Only Fools and Horses (1981) s04e01 Episode Script

- Hello Debbie.
- Hello Rodney.
'Hello Debbie.
' 'Hello Rodney!' Shut up will yer! - Hello darling.
- Been up to the hospital, love? Yeah, we just come back from there now.
How is he? Moaning! The doctors 'ave been trying to take his hat off, but he wouldn't have none of it! They gave him an X-ray yesterday, and they found out he got a pulled ligament in the wallet, and severe fraying of the trilby! - Give him my love.
- Ooh, he ain't up to nothing like that! - This is awkward! - What is? Well, I wanted to buy one of my adult art magazines.
What's the problem? Debbie's serving! We've been seeing each other, sort of thing! She might think I'm odd! - She's gonna find out sometime Rodney.
- Get it for us would you Del? - Alright, alright, Rodney! - Cheers Del, you're a pal! Here you are, darling, look Exchange and Mart, oh, give me one of yer dirty magazines darling will you.
Yeah, which one d'you want? Which one d'you want Rodney? Just the Exchange and Mart.
'What one d'you want Rodney?' I don't believe you sometimes! I wish I'd had my Polaroid with me! You should've seen your face! You've embarrassed me! I've embarrassed you! Oh, it's alright for some bird to think I'm a pervo though is it? You ain't taking her out, are you? - Don't know, I ain't made me mind up yet! - Oh, listen to him, will you! - Hey, what's your game, eh? - My Mum said she's gonna kill me! Well she won't need to will she? You'll kill yourself running across the road like that.
No, haven't you ever heard of the Green Cross Code? But I'm gonna get killed in a minute! - No you're not.
She's not gonna kill you! - She said she was! Yeah, I know, but mums say lots of things they don't mean, don't they, eh? Here, tell you what.
Here you are, go and get yourself an ice-cream at the Paki's on the corner.
Oh thanks misterwhat about my brother? - Ah, who's he? - That's your brother is it? You'd better get him one an' all hadn't yer? Ta mister.
Oi just a minute, why was your Mum telling you off? I let down the tyres on that motor.
I'll kill you! Oh bloody hell Del, look at that.
Little scallywags round here ain't they! Well it's nothing to laugh at Del, I mean, look at it! Oh no, they're only kids though ain't they? I used to do the same sort of thing when I was a nipper.
I remember me and Albie Littlewood we let a couple of tyres down once.
Should have seen the palaver it caused.
Everyone had to get off the bus! They were the days! Still, I'll go round the garage and get the foot pump for you.
Yeah right.
Oi, hold on what d'you mean you'll get me the foot pump? You ain't 'alf getting independent ain't yer? Alright, go and get your on foot pump.
That's more like it.
- Alright Champ? What you doing? - I'm running away from home.
Running away from home are you? Ain't got very far have you? My Mum said I mustn't cross the road! That makes it difficult then dunnit? Where's yer brother? His Dad says he has to go in.
I see.
Well I reckon that's the best place for you to go an' all, don't you? She'll kill me! No she won't, listen, they were my tyres that you let down weren't they? So I'll come home with you and I'll tell your Mum that I asked you to let my tyres down 'cos I wanted to see how long it would take my brother to pump 'em back up again! How's that? Alright then.
There, good boy, see, you know it makes sense! Come on then.
You'd better get in 'cos the bogey man will be coming soon.
- I've seen the bogey man! - Have you? What's he look like? He's got a funny hat and wears pyjamas under his mac! That's not the bogey man, that's my Grandad! Right, come on then.
Is this it? This is your house? Is it? Right, now don't you worry.
She'll be as sweet as a nut, I'll guarantee.
Just stay there.
Where have you been? I was just about to call the police.
Look at the state of you.
Go and put your pyjamas on.
I'll see you in a minute.
Does that go for me an' all? - You what? Del? Cor, I don't believe it! - Junie, how you doing? - I'm fine! - Oh great.
You don't still live on the estate, do you? Well yeah, over the way there, you know Nelson Mandela House.
Here when d'you move in here? Six weeks ago, there don't stand out there, people'll think you're the tallyman.
Come in.
Right.
'Ere hang about.
What about the old man? Erh, he's gone away for a bit.
Oh gone away for a bit.
Anyone we know? He's soundo already.
Didn't even want a bedtime story tonight.
He's a little scallywag ain't he? Ooh, he's a right handful! D'you know what he did today? He only let the tyres down on some crappy three-wheeled van over there! - Yeah? - I think he misses his Dad! Yeah, I used to miss my Dad - till I learnt to punch straight! When's the old man get out? Oh, he's not in prison Del! No, he works on an oil-rig.
Oh I see! When are you expecting him back then? About six months if he keeps his nose clean.
I'd have popped over and seen you, but I didn't think for one minute you'd still be living here! D'you remember what you used to say to me all those years ago? I can remember quite a lot of funny things I used to say to you!!! I don't mean 'that'! You used to say, 'This time next year I'll be a millionaire!' Did I? What a wally! Well, we were much younger then weren't we, I mean, anything seemed possible in them days.
'Ere, 'ere, how long ago was it that, you know, you and I, well, we stopped seeing each other? - Must be19 years now! - 19 - 19 years! It's longer than that in fact.
We broke up in September 1965.
Just after Albie Littlewood's funeral.
That's right! Yeah, that's right, cor, we were a right little team up till then, weren't we? What, the famous four! You and me, Albie andwhat was his girlfriend's name? - Deirdre.
- That's it, Deirdre .
Do you know I often wondered what would have happened if he hadn't been coming over to see me that night.
You know, if he hadn't taken the short cut across the railway lines, if his bike hadn't accidentally fallen on the live rail.
I mean what's the point of talking about ifs! If me brother had been a bird he would have been me sister, wouldn't he, eh? Oh you had a kid brother! Rodney.
How is he? Oh, he's alright.
He's just reached that awkward age.
You know he's a bit like a triffle! - What d'you mean, mixed up? - No, no, he's thick and fruity! Oh and what about your Grandad? Oh Grandad, well, he's not too fit at the moment, he's laid up in Dock but I sometimes think you know given half a chance he could be thick and fruity an' all.
I take it you never got married! Me, no, no, no, I just get engaged! 'Ere, talking about thatyou still got my engagement ring? Yeah, you don't want it back do you? No, no, no, I - you know I was just wondering that was all! No, I was just wondering like, 'cos you know, I - I could always whip over home and get my Sheena Easton LP, if you like! Not much point, I haven't got a record player! Oh, I'll have to keep my eye open for one! For you, won't I, eh? Don't worry, you leave it to me, alright? Oh Del.
Oh! 'Ere Del, help yourself to a drink.
Yeah, thanks Junie.
Oh come in love.
It's alright.
It's a friend of my daughter's.
Debs, it's for you! She's got that bloody radio on again, she'll wake Jason! - You little plonker! - What are you doing here? What am I doingWhat are you doing here? Well, this is where Debbie lives, ain't it? That bird from the paper 'Ere - 'ere you're not trying to No I am not! Leave it out, I'm a friend of her Mum's! - Yeah, when d'you meet her then? - 1964 What and you've only just come round to see her? No, I was engaged to her, soppy! What, another one! Stone me Del, you've been engaged more times than a switchboard ain't yer! Don't you start getting lippy.
I don't know what you brought that round for, 'Cos they ain't got a record player! That's alright, I ain't got a record! You are a saucy little git you really Oi, I've got one of those at home on the sideboard! Yeah alright, well I'll get you another one tomorrow, wont I! Yeah you betterJunie, June, you'll never guess who that is? That is little Rodney! - You're kidding!! - No, straight up! I don't believe it! The last time I saw you, you were about that high! How old was he Del? Then, about two and 'alf! Anyway it's very nice to meet you again Rodney.
And you Ma'm.
Leave it out Rodney, you're making me feel quite Tom and Dick you really are.
- You can call me June.
- Oh thank you.
Debbie won't be a minute, she's just putting some clothes on.
- Oh she needn't bother! - What?? No, no, no, I mean, you know, she needn't bother to put on anything special.
I was thinking actuallyerif you two wanted to go out and you know chat about old times and all that, well you know I'm sure me and Debbie wouldn't mind baby-sitting.
What d'you think Del? I daren't tell you what I think Junie! Come on let's go out for a drink! Shall we? - Hello Rodney.
- Debs! - You alright darling? - Oh watcha.
You two met? Yeah, he came in the paper shop this morning for a dirty magazine.
'Ere no, actuallylisten Er, I was just saying you and me wouldn't mind baby-sitting if Del and yer Mum went out for a drink! - Yeah, that suits me.
- I'll get my coat.
Yeah alight, darling.
'Ere I'd do that up if I was you, you'll get a cold on yer chest! It's Debbie's house, she can do what she likes.
Do you want a brandy Debs? - Brandy eh? You're splashing out ain't yer? - Yeah well of course he's celebrating ain't he? Celebrating what? Oh, hasn't he told you? He's ust heard from the clinic! He's got an all clear.
- Well, there you go.
Old times, eh? - Old times.
'Ere , Junie, I hope you don't mind me asking, but there's always been something that's been bothering me.
Look, if it's something from the past let's leave it.
No, no, it's just that I always wondered why it was that you left so suddenly like that? Without a letter, a word, or nothing! It's personal Del! All over and done with now, right? Can we talk about something happier? Yeah, of course! What they put your ol' man in prison for? - He stole some watches.
- Oh I see! Ain't still got 'em have you? We're getting a divorce when he comes out.
The marriage never worked right from the start.
Oh, I don't know! It seemed to have lasted quite a while! Oh no, we've only been married seven years! Seven years?? But no Debbie.
She must beOh I'm sorry! He's not Debbie's father.
No, no, sorry I didn’t mean, you know! I wasn't trying to 'Ere, it's her birthday next week.
We're gonna have a little party.
D'you fancy coming? Yeah, not half, I'll have some of that! 'Ere, I'll have to get that record player for you a bit lively won't I? Oh yes.
'Ere what do you want? Another one, or same again.
Oh, I'd love another one.
Same again.
- Here you go Del.
- Cheers Trig.
'Ere you are, Maureen, same again love, that's a Singapore Sling and half of Strongbow.
Coming up.
What you up to Mickey? I've just come back from evening school.
I'm learning Aikido.
Really? Go on then, say something.
Say something in Aikido.
No, it's not a language Del.
It's a martial art! I had a fight with five blokes last night! What was it, a pillow fight? Leave it out you ain't got a mark on you son! That's because I wiped 'em out with Aikido.
Can you smell that? What is that? Sheep is it? It's cows? No, no, I know what it is.
It's bullshit! I'm telling you the truth Del! Leave it out Mickey.
I can always tell when you're lying.
How? Yer lips move! 'Ere you are, love.
How much is that? - Right cheers.
- Cheers.
Where's Rodney tonight? Rodney? He's round at that young Debbie's place.
Well I don't know what he sees in her! I mean, she's just a kid ain't she! She's 19 next week mouthy! What about your 19th birthday Mickey? What about it? Well, you looking forward to it are you? Debbie.
That young Debbie, she can't be 19! She's 19 next Wednesday, Del.
Yeah, tell you what, I've got an invitation to her 19th birthday party.
- That's impossible! - What's the matter with you Del? Debbie's Mum - Oh my Gawd! - What are you talking about Del? What are you talking about? No, no, no, nothing! No it's alright, no, forget it.
Just no - forget it.
Junie Junie, I know why you left so suddently all them years ago! - Do you? - Pot pourriWhy didn’t you tell me? I couldn't.
I didn't know how you'd take the news.
I'm just going to the bog.
Alright Del Boy? No, I'm not alright Trigger! I don't know what I'm gonna do! I just don't know what I'm gonna do! Hang on Del Boy, leave it to me! Come on hurry up, we've got an emergency out here! No, no, no, not that Trigger!! Come here.
Listen to me.
D'you remember about 20 years ago, I was - I was engaged to that bird right.
What June? Yeah, I remember her! She's back on the estate now.
That's right.
Well she's got a - she's got a 19-year-old kid.
Yeah, Debbie, works in the paper shop.
So what? So what? Me and June broke up about 19 an' 'alf years ago right.
That means that she was expecting her at the time! Which means Debbie is my kid! But she's a pretty girl! Of course she is! I mean, look , that' a chip off the old block, ain't it, eh? Didn't June say nothing to you at the time? - No, not a dicky bird! - You sure Del? Well, I would have remembered something like that Trigger, wouldn't I? I mean, you sure she's your kid? Yeah, she's gotta be, I mean she's gotta be! 'Ere, the little cow short- changed me the other day! - Well that is it then innit? - You told the rest of the family? No, no, I've only just found out meself! Gawd knows what Grandad and Rodney are gonna say when theyRodney!! - Put her down Rodney! - You're back early ain't yer? Yeah, ain't we just, eh? I'm going to bed Del! No listen, June we've gotta talk.
Look, I knew this was how you'd behave, that's why I didn't tell you! I'll see you around sometime - No listen, June.
- Maybe! Look we've gotta talk You've made another lasting impression I see! Come on and get up out of there, come on.
Give Debbie some air.
The poor girl can't breathe.
Yeah, alright! You want another brandy Deb? - No she don't! - I'll make my own decision thank you.
Yes, of course! Of course, it's just that if you have too much to drink you might make yourself sick! And you don't wanna be ill for yer party next week.
It's Debbie's birthday next week, Rodney.
Yeah, I thought it was mine tonight! I'll get you a nice present shall I - dear? I'll get you a solid gold watch, eh? A couple of hundred quid at least, no rubbish! - Alright! - What's your game Del? Just feeling generous that's all.
Come on, Rodney I'll give you a lift home, come on.
Give me - Del, we only live 50 yards across the precinct! I know that - I know, but when I came back tonight there was a load of muggers hanging about! - Oh yeah? - Yeah.
Well perhaps I'd better go Debs - I've gotta be up early! Alright then - Goodnight.
- GoodnightPleasant dreams.
- Well, goodnight Debs.
- Goodnight.
Come on Rodney! Now just what is your game Del? All that, 'Shall I buy you a nice gold watch shall I, dear?' And 'Sweet Dreams!' I was just being friendly, that's all! You're trying to pull her ain't yer? I am not trying to pull her! What d'you think I am, some kind of sicko or something? Well, you're trying to interfere between me and Debbie ain't yer? I am not trying to interfere, Rodney.
Now listen.
Rodney, look, I just I don't think that you two are'right' for each other! It's got nothing to do with you! Me and Debbie think we're right for each other! As a matter of fact we're thinking of getting engaged! You're what? You can't get engaged to her Rodney.
No, what I mean - what I mean is, what I mean is you're too young! I'm 24 Del! By the time you was my age you'd been engaged to every bird this side of the water! No, you're just jealous ain't yer? You can't stand the thought that I might end up with a nice little wife.
You're gonna end up with a nice little stretch if you ain't careful! Rodney, you mustn't get engaged to her! You give me one good reason why I mustn't?? Because she's my daughter! That's why! - Debbie - is - your - daughter? - Yeah! No.
It's not real! No, it's not happening to me! I'll tell you what, I'm in the middle of a bad trip! I'm gonna wake up in a minute! I've worked it out on the calculator Rodney! Me and June broke up 19 and 'alf years ago.
It's Debbie's 19th birthday next week! You're the one with the GCE in Maths, you work it out yourself! Well maybe she met someone after you! No, she was born a couple of months after! Well then she was premature! Premature?? She'd have had to have been bloody instant, Rodders! But - she's a pretty girl! I know that - I can see Mum in her! Come oncheer up Rodney.
Cheer up?? Del I've just met the first girl in my life who really means something to me, and it turns out to be my bloody niece! Alright, Rodney.
Come on, that's why I had to tell you, you see, 'cos this sort of thing ain't allowed - it's well, it's incense! Say you had got married to her - you can see what sort of confusion that would have led to, I would have been your father-in-law! Bloody hell! Yer mother-in-law would have been yer aunt, yer wife would have been yer second cousin - Gawd knows what that would have made Grandad, the fairy godmother I should think.
Del, are you absolutely certain of this? Yeah, well, certain as I'll ever be.
Just think eh, Rodney, young Debbie has grown up all these years 'an she never never knew that - I was her Daddy! Do you think I ought to tell her? Eh, no, no, that could come as a great disapgreat shock.
No perhaps you're right! - Could you do something for me Del? - Yeah sure.
You go and see June.
You go and see her and you find out if it's definite -definitely definite! Yeah, tomorrow - I definitely promise! Well I'm going to bed.
I bet I'll have a nightmare! I bet I'll have a nightmare where my wife keeps calling me Uncle Rodney, eh? Alright Del, you've got five minutes! Say what you have to say and then go! Is Debbie in? No, she - she's gone over her Auntie's.
Look, if you've come here to dig up the past again, you can forget it! Come on Junie, there are things that have got to be discussed! - What sort of things? - Look Junie! I know! So you said last night! - Well then? Are you gonna tell her or shall I? - Tell her what? Oh come on, June.
Don't play the innocent with me.
Tell her - that I am her father! You're her Oh Del! When you said you knew, I thought you really knew! Debby's not your kid.
Yes she is.
No, come on, she was born six months after we broke up! Well she's gotta be - I mean, if I'm not her father, then who is?? Albie Littlewood! Albie Littlewood? Albie Littlewood? My bestest friend in all the world? The greatest pal a bloke could have, and all the time he was doinking my bird? That's why I left! How could he do it to me? We were blood-brothers! We were just kids - we were just playing games.
That night he died on the railway lines - he wasn't coming to meet you in the pub.
He was coming to meet me! For nigh on 20 years I've carried that guilt around with me, it's hung round my neck like some great two-ton medallion! Well, well, now you're free of it ain't you? Albie didn't take the short-cut for you.
It's not the only reason why I was feeling guilty! 'Cos if he had made it across the railway lines that night he wouldn't have met me in the pub! I wasn't in the pub! I was round at his bird Deirdre's place! You were with Deirdre?? It's alright, June.
We were only playing games, only playing games.
Why you dirty little toe-rag.
- Hello Mum.
- Hello love.
I've brought Mickey back, we're going to my room to listen to the radio.
Good evening young Michael! Alright? Watchya Del! I just met Debbie walking across the estate.
So I thought I'd better make sure she got home safely.
Yes! So you thought you'd escort the young lady back to her bedroom.
Yeah, I know Mickey, I know only too well my son! Goodnight to you all! Oh Mickey, make sure you don't take the short cut across the railway line.