Only Fools and Horses (1981) s05e03 Episode Script

The Longest Night

- 29 pounds and forty 48.
- Sorry? - 29 pounds and forty 48.
- Did you sue 'em? - Who? - The charm school.
Miserable little cow! Yeah, right, we won't come here again.
In future we'll take our custom down to Patel's Multi-Mart.
They might be a bit dearer but at least they smile when they take yer money Rodney, what's is the matter with you? It's him innit! Whacked me straight in the shins with that shopping trolley.
I couldn't help it! That trolley had a mind of its own.
Oh, what are you saying, it was intellectually superior to you, is that it? - Don't get sarky Rodney, it don't become yer! - Well, a broken leg don't become Alright you two, tuck it in, will ya.
Excuse me, one moment Gentlemen.
Tom Clark, Topbuy Superstores.
I wonder if I could have five minutes of your time please? Certainly Tom.
Why what's up then? If you'd like to accompany me to the manager's office I'll explain there.
Here, just a minute - what is your g? Oh yes.
- Can I help you with any of the shopping? - Oh thanks a lot.
Lead on MacDougal! But Valeriedarling, listen to me for a moment! Why do you want to buy a brand-new car? Alright ta.
Look, I'm sorry I snapped at you back there, but I'm trying to give up smoking you see That's alright son, forget it.
Er, I wonder which one of us it is? What d'you mean? Well, there can only be one millionth customer can't there! Yeah, well it's got to be me innit, 'cos I paid for it all didn't I? - Yeah, but I gave you my housekeeping! - And I gave you half my pension! - Alright, alright, don't go on about it! - Del, we'll share the money fairly! - Alright, leave it to me, Rodney.
- No, we'll share it fairly! Look I can't talk now, somebody's come into the office! No, I'm not quite sure what time I'll be home darling.
You're not cooking anything special are you? Entrecote Rioja Yes, my favourite! I'll give you a call just before I leave.
- The wife! - Whose? Well Tom.
So, what's it all about? I stopped these gentlemen as they were leaving the store sir, because I have reason to believe they have some stolen items in their possession! - Dear, dear, dear! - Stolen items?? - What are you on about?? - We paid for these groceries!! That's right, twenty nine pounds and forty eight pence.
- Ask the girl at the checkout! - They came quietly sir, usually a sign of guilt! Of course we did, because we thought we'd won the prize didn't we? - Alright Tom leave it with me and well done.
- Thank you sir.
Come on, come on, let's go, let's go.
Gentlemen, if I press this button, security will be waiting for you outside the door.
And it might appear to the magistrate that you were trying to evade arrest! Now wait a minute.
Look, we paid for all these goods – and we've got a bill to prove it! - Ah yes, and we've got a bill to prove it! - Show him the bill Rodney! - What? - The bill! - I ain't got it! - Well of course you must.
One of you must have! - Don't look at me I never even saw it! - Yes you did, because I paid for it, don't you remember She took it out the till.
Actually we haven't got the bill! What a shame.
Gentlemen, there are two ways of handling this unfortunate situation.
One; we can remain here in the office and discuss it like civilized people, or two; I can call the police! Why don't you talk it over amongst yourselves while I carry on with this.
There must be some way of proving we paid for all this! There most probably is Albert, but what happens if the Old Bill starts asking questions - …about all my gear and Rodney's watch?? - Yeah I s'pose you're right.
You mean my watch is knocked off? Listen, it's alright, it's not up to us to prove our innocence, right.
It's up to them to prove our guilt.
So, all we've got to do is say nothing at all.
Just keep schtum! We'll be out of here in ten minutes flat, alright.
Hello there, how are you? I'm very well thank you.
Lovely weather for this time of year, isn't it? Yes it is, yes.
'Some enchanted evening.
' Allow me.
That's very reasonable isn't it? I think I'll have two.
You take care now.
- Mr Clarke! - It's alright Sheila, I've seen him, leave it to me.
- 20 Rothmans and a box of matches, please love.
- That's one pound forty six please.
Put it on my account! You take care now.
You come back here with that stuff! Alright son, this is the end of your fun and games! What have I done?? Oh no? Don't tell me, I haven't paid for these have I? Haven't paid for? Get back in there, you're nicked! No, no, I have this problem you se, memory blanks! Get in there! Listen to me man.
The other day I went into Woolworths.
When I got home I had a pair of binoculars, for a Cortina and I didn't know!! Yes, tell that to the manager, you're going up to the office.
Please man.
I'll go away for this.
Look, I've only just come out! You should have thought of that before-hand! Come on, up to the office.
Please man, don't take me up to the office.
Give me a break will yer?? I'll give you a break if you keep on! Come on.
Look, please don't take me up to the office! That's a very nasty habit you got there you know.
You can lose your teeth doing that.
How would you know that? 'Cos I'm gonna run my fist right down your throat if you don't pack it in!! Well Rodney, he's giving me the right hump he really is.
Don't take me to the office! Here's another one for you.
- Open up the safe! - Alright son, now take it easy! Who are they? Er, they, they're here on suspicion of shoplifting.
Ain't I seen you somewhere before? No, no, no.
I ain't been anywhere before, have I Rodney, eh? No, no.
He's stays at home all the time.
- Go on, open up the safe.
- Yes, of course! - I'm a right villain I am! A real hard nut! - Yes triffic! Yes.
- Hey, what's with the hands in the air? - Well you've got a gun in your other hand, haven't you noticed? Come on, let's not be formal, put 'em down.
D'you know the secret of my success? Planning! No detail is left unturned, no stone unchecked.
I plan everything down to the last second! Excuse me, I'm terribly sorry but I can't open the safe! What's he say to me?? Come on now, don't be a prat sir! Open the safe for the nice man.
I can't open it, the combination won't work! What's the time? - It's about twenty past five.
- No, it's quarter past six.
Bloody watch, it's always going wrong! Me mum only bought it for me a month ago down the market! I didn't realise it was that late! I won't be able to open the safe.
You see, it's fitted with a time-lock which comes into operation at 6 o' clock.
Is this true?? Yeah, I'm sorry son, you're Bloody watch!! So when does it switch off? Tomorrow at 8am! Oh great! Well thank you very much! So what am I supposed to do now? Can't you come back first thing in the morning? No I can't - I have got other things to do you know! Oh well, I suppose there's nothing else for it! We'll have to wait! Wait? What are you talking about.
Well that's 14 hours!! Look, I don't wanna stay in here any more than what you do! But have you any idea how much is in that safe? - About sixty grand! - You're kidding.
I'm afraid not, Friday is our busiest day.
See planning! Let's all settle down now.
It's only 14 hours, it'll soon go.
Sit down!! And I had a date tonight too, with that croupier bird from the 1-11 Club.
Charming sort.
She's well spoken, cordon blue cook and does the business! It could be months before I have another crack at her! Yeah, I am well choked for you, ain't I.
Got any cigars on you? No, no, I smoked me last one about an hour ago.
Anyway this'll help you to pack it up, won't it, eh? Oh yeah, a gun at yer head's just the sort of incentive you need innit! He ain't gonna hurt no one! He's just a kid tryin' to get some money.
He's more frightened than us.
Aah bless him! Are you still there son? Yeah, what d'you want? Just wondering about if we can have some lights on.
You know, see what we was up to, know what I mean.
- But passers-by might see the light! - No, no, not if you pull the blinds, right? - Okay, I want you to do exactly as I say.
- Anything you say son, you're the boss.
I want you to switch that light on then pull them blinds down.
No, no, hang on.
What you want to do is pull down the blind then switch on the light! Oh yeah, thanks.
Right, I want you to pull them blinds then Yes, yeah I think I've got it! D'you know what the police have nicknamed me? I've got a shrewd idea, but no, go on! I'm known as The Shadow! Because I'm fast and fleeting, I come and I go and no-one knows! Come and go do you? It's gonna take you I've known epidemics come and go quicker than you! I didn't know that safe was on a time lock.
No, I'm a man of mystery me! A master of disguises - the man with the thousand faces! Do you remember the Scarlet Pimpernel? That weren't you was it? No, but I'm like him! They seek him here, they seek him there, those policemen seek him everywhere.
Is he in Heaven, or is he in Hell, that damned elusive Sh-a-dow! It's very good, very very good there.
So the police are looking for The Shadow then, are they? They'll never catch him! No, no, but I Hank Marvin's had a few tugs though! - What's that?? - It's the phone.
I know it's the phone! I ain't stupid! I mean who is it?? Well it's a little difficult to tell at this stage! You'd better let him answer it son, it might be his wife.
Oh yeah, she's got entrecote rioja.
Oh I'm sorry to hear that! Well go'n then, find out how she is.
Yes! Peterson? It's security, they're about to shut up Yes, you can switch the alarm system on.
Oi, oi, oi, I'm the Head of Security! You can switch the alarm system on, yes! There you are you see, everything's alright now.
Yeah? You don't mind if I double-check do ya? He's becoming more nervous and agitated! They're the danger signs in a situation like this! I've told you, he'll be alright, he'll be good as gold as long as we don't upset him! He's just a kid.
That's what makes him dangerous! A nervous kid, hair trigger! - Put 'em together - You're a cheerful old bark ain't yer? One of us has got to create a distraction! So that the other two can grapple with him and disarm him! What are you whispering about? It's alright son, nothing, alright, alright, no problem.
Do you mind if I stand up a bit and walk around? - Why? - I've got a bit of cramp in me leg.
Go on then.
No sudden movements though! Sudden movements, him!? The closest he gets to a sudden movements when he wipes the cobwebs off his head! That's better! You got any tobacco on you? - What's that noise? - Weren't me! - It's the staff arriving.
- What time d'you open? We've been here 13 an 'alf hours! Don't time fly when you're in good company.
Only 'alf hour to go and it'll all be over.
The old Shadow's looking pretty knackered ain't he, eh? With proper training you can condition your body to do without sleep.
I learnt that out in Kenya.
What, you got a branch out there then? No, no! When I was younger I did a bit of traveling.
I ended up doing five years with the Kenyan Police Force.
I was out there during the trouble with the Mau Mau.
He's too young to know what that means.
He most probably thinks the Mau Mau is the African Post Office! We did modern history at school, didn't we, mouthy? Judging by all them ribbons you must have seen a bit of action Albert? Yeah.
I was in the Navy, Royal and Merchant.
I've seen things that would make yer teeth itch! But I never talk about them Sharks! Don't talk to me about sharks! I've seen 'em Yeah, he thinks that Jaws was a stickleback! What the bloody hell d'you think you're playing at??? - Rodney - Rodney - come back here and sit down son! Don't do anything rash son, it ain't worth it! For God's sake there's only You plonker!! - What you doing?? - Nothing! I just fancied a fag that's all! Well why didn't you ask me? There's no need to steal! No, sorry! - What was that?? - It's the staff arriving.
They start early don't they? Quarter past four! It's half past seven! Bloody watch! So, only 'alf an hour to go! It's sad really.
We might never meet again.
We could always hold a reunion next year, if you like.
I remember who you are now! No, no.
It's alright son - you can have a full rebate, no problems, alright.
You're eroh what is it? No, don't tell me! Tel.
Del Trotter! Right? Don't you recognise me? Well you're a master of disguise ain't yer! D'you remember Roseanna Gilbey? West Indian lady, lives down Cutler Road Years ago you used to come round on the weekly and that, selling shoes Del.
- Yes I remember, and that was you?? - Don't you remember her little boy? - No, no.
You're not littleLennox! - That's right! It's me - Lennox Gilbey! Lennox Gilbey.
I don't believe it! Stone me.
Last time I saw you, you was about that high! Cor dear, doesn't time fly, eh? - So what you doing with yourself now? - Oh well, I'm on the dole Del.
Oh yeah, how's your mum? She's alright, suffers from her feet a bit, but Yeah, well, but she would.
Wait a minute, hang about.
I remember your mum.
I remember - very straight lady, proud, church goer and all that! Yeah, she won't know nothing about this Del.
Oh no.
So how you gonna explain say sixty thousand pounds then, eh? Christmas bonus from the Job Centre? Listen Lennox, there are millions of people out there in the same boat as you! But they don't go round robbing everyone! Look I haven't had a job right in six years! - Well nor has Rodney! - I've got no future! Nor has Rodney! Look I haven't done a day's work since I left school Del.
It's a tough old world Lennox, Tough world but it doesn't give you the right to go round pointing guns at people! That thing's gonna put you in prison! No, I'm too shrewd! Oh shrewd, you? Shrewd are you? Very shrewd.
An hour ago you were The Shadow right, man of mystery.
Now we know your name, your address and your mum's shoe size! Come on Lennox, give it up now before it's too late, eh? That gun doesn't suit you! In 20 minutes Del I'll be rich! And in 30 minutes you're gonna be banged up! I'll tell you what shall I? Just review the situation for a second.
All the staff have arrived, right.
They're starting to work out there.
And you’ve gotta walk through 'em, haven't ya? They're all out there - shelf-packers, the porters, the cleaners, the security people.
The shop doesn't open till half past eight, right.
In order for you to get out, you've gotta go up, ask one of them to get the keys to let you out! Before you can say 'police sniper' there'll be more lead flying about than a fight in a scrap yard! You'd never reach your getaway car.
Get-away car! I knew there was something Here look Del, I didn't wanna go through with this, alright.
I just got I just got a bit desperate! It's alright, it's alright.
I know son, I know alright.
And the police didn't really nickname me The Shadow! I'm not known by the police! I've never done anything like this before! Look, now listen to me, listen, Come on, you give it up before it's too late! I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll come down the court with ya, and speak for ya.
- You said it would be easy!! - Shut up you fool!! - I've been set up for this Del! - You? You and Lennox? He said I'd just walk out with the money! And you could have if you'd been here at five o’clock as arranged!! That's it, innit.
Of course - it's been worrying me all night this has.
I mean to say, how did Lennox know so much about this place? How did he know there was all that money here in the safe, and where it was? You must believe me, I didn't do it purely for the money! What d'you do it for then? Well alright, I did it for the money! But it was simply to pay off my debts! You see I have a wife whose hobby is spending! Twelve thousand pounds for a solarium, fifteen thousand pounds for a swimming pool and now she's got the estimates on a marble-tiled gazebo! God, we only live in a semi! Couldn't you seek professional help? - You mean a psychiatrist? - No, I mean a hit-man.
No, I couldn't afford it! This seemed the only way out.
But how did you two ever meet? I mean, I can't imagine Lennox at the young Tories ball, and well you wouldn't go down a bomb at the Ram Jam Club, would yer? Lennox came here last year looking for a job.
Then we bumped into each other a couple of months ago in court.
I'd been summonsed for failure to maintain the repayments on a hire purchase agreement that had been signed by my wife, the fat greedy cow.
I was there on an attempted wounding case.
Oh, I weren't the accused Del, I was the victim! Anyway, me and Mr Peterson got chatting and the whole thing started from there.
Did he supply you with the gun? He did! Chamboussiz nouvelle.
Cor dear, would you Adam and Eve it, eh? Dixon of Kuala Lumpur is involved! Yeah that's right, the three of us planned it.
But I want you to know I did it purely for the money! I bet you did.
I retire in a couple of months' time and you should have seen the crummy pension this firm was offering me! I was gonna get less than Duncan Goodhew's barber! We needed Tom in with us for his police experience.
He told us what to do, how to make the robbery look genuine.
So where did we fit into all this? Well, it would have looked a bit dodgy wouldn't it, if the only witnesses to a 60 grand robbery were the store manager and the head of security! No, what we wanted was some independent witnesses! Oh.
I see, so that is why you pulled us in? Cor, well I'lljust a minute - give me that here! - Look, where did you get this? - Out of out toy department.
Yeah - I wondered how long Taiwan had been making Lugers! So what happens now? Are you going to the police? Na! I'm gonna phone 'em instead.
It's alright, don't panic, don't panic, just winding you up! You are a wally Lennox! Sorry Del! What is your mum gonna say, eh? Anyway there's no real harm done right? No one got hurt, nothing has been nicked! Now listen to me Lennox, you're after a job right? I've been after one since I left school, Del.
Well I know where there's one going.
And I'm well in with the governor! - You're kidding?? - No.
You reckon you could swing it for me? I think so, mind you the job does not become available until - When d'you retire Tom? - What, him work here - in security?? Can you think of anyone better? He'll know exactly who to keep his eye on! That's right, tell me - what would you prefer, young Lennox or Old Bill? Welcome to the firm Lennox! I'll sort you out a uniform, show you yer duties! That's it Rodney.
Come on Albert, come on, we're going.
We're leaving.
Let's get out of here! Oh dear.
This lot's gonna have to go straight in the fridge when we get home.
Here are Lennox, save you buying a truncheon, won't it, eh? Oh, by the way Mr Peterson, I'm coming back to your shop this afternoon.
Why? 'Cos I've got this funny feeling that I am gonna be your millionth customer! What do you think? I have exactly the same feeling! You know it makes sense don't ya? Bonjour.