Only Fools and Horses (1981) s05e06 Episode Script

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Ah yes, we'll have two sirloin steaks, thank you Michael.
Make 'em big 'uns mate.
Yes that's right, as Jumbo says, make 'em big 'uns.
Saute potatoes, a selection of greens and put the whole thing put on my account will you Michael.
What account? Ha, ha, what account! See what I mean Jumbo, the old place hasn't lost its sense of humour! Well, I wouldn't laugh if a barman made a berk of me.
Barman! Now just you listen here pal! Michael, Jumbo did not mean any offence.
Shall we sit down over here? Hey mate.
Did you know this pub hasn't got a music licence? Still, as long as it's him playing there's no problem, hey? Who's the big-mouth Aussie, Mike? Oh him, he's no Australian, he used to be a local lad then he emigrated.
That was a bit of luck weren't it? So what's he doing back? Buying some cars off Boycie or something.
Oi, there you are, you mucky old sod.
Listen, have you seen the state of my Persian rug back at the flat? You run the old J Edgar over it as soon as you get back.
Cor blimey, should see it.
Give me, giss a Manhattan Mike, small rum for him.
Spit in the rum.
Where's Rodney? Rodney, I left him down clearing up the market.
'Ere, some mush just had a go at me.
Had a go at you? Who had a go at you, where? Him! Took the mickey out of my piano playing.
Well, you ought to be used to that now Albert.
I'll sort him out, you stay here.
I'll sort you out an' all - later.
Right 'ere, excuse me pal - I don't believe it! I don't believe it! Jumbo bloody Mills! Who let you back in the country? Oh, look at this will yer! Talk about a bad penny.
Del Boy, how are you mate? Alright mate, alright my son.
You are looking double well.
That's 'cos I live in a healthy country.
No fog or frost in Oz mate.
It's great, it suits you, it suits you.
Look at all that! So tell me, what are you doing back home, eh? Derek, Jumbo and I are having a business meeting.
It's all rather confidential.
I've got no secrets from Del.
Me and him were partners back in the Sixties.
That's right, that's right.
We used to have a fish stall right outside the pub 'ere, didn't we? Yes, I remember.
Cor, those were the days, eh.
Those were the days.
So how long you back home for anyway? Well, just a week or so.
In fact, I'm just here to finalise a deal with Boycie, take in a bit of sightseeing.
I wish to God I hadn't bothered.
This country's become a cesspit Del.
You're right there Jumbo.
A cesspit.
What do you mean, cesspit? You could find cleaner places in an Abbo's armpit.
I tell you what though Jumbo.
You can't tell that that's a wig.
That's because it's not a wig.
Oh, do me a favour.
You used to have curly hair, come on that's a syrup innit? Of course it ain't a syrup.
Look, I've got a tenner here that says that is a syrup.
I have got a tenner here that says it ain't.
Alright then, cover that Boycie.
Now listen, I tell you why I know that Is that your change over there? Here we go.
Thank you very much.
What the flamin' hell d'you think you're playing at? I don't believe you sometimes Del, here am I tryin' to clinch a business deal and you've just nicked my client's wig.
Well it was for a bet! You do understand don't you Jumbo? No I bloody well don't! Jeez.
You always liked embarrassing me didn't you? Look chaps, this is just a temporary condition.
My doctors have assured me that my own hair will grow back - well - eventually.
Here you are gents.
Where's the loud-mouthed Aussie gone? Just put the stuff on the table and leave us alone mate.
Now just a minute pal.
Mike, Mike, leave it, leave now, go on, it's alright.
He's a nice bloke, he really is a nice bloke.
Oh yeah, a typical Brit, the only thing that works is the mouth! Del, I'm trying to have a business meeting, do you mind? Alright.
You enjoy your nosh, I'll see you later.
Yeah, I've gotta talk to you Del.
Alright then, any time.
Sorry.
They want you over there.
Thanks a lot Boyce.
See you.
He seems a nasty bit of work.
Who, Jumbo? Na, that's just the way he is, that's all.
He's got a heart of gold, that bloke.
His trouble is that his mouth is always three seconds ahead of his brain.
But, I tell you what, I tell you what, he is a diamond that bloke.
He's never cheated me.
He's as straight as a die.
A real diamond.
The import and export licences will be looked after by my people, they should only take a couple of weeks.
Yeah, yeah, look Boycie I'm sorry, but I can't concentrate without the toop.
I feel naked.
I'll just pop to the gents and put it back.
Oh course Jumbo, I fully understand.
Oi, I want a word with you.
Oi Jumbo, no wait a minute.
Listen, you remember that horrible little kid brother of mine? One with the funny hair cut, all snot and Marmite.
Yeah, I remember.
It's him innit? You ain't changed a bit Rodney.
This is Jumbo Mills, remember? Na, of course you wouldn't, you were only a little sprog when he emigrated to Australia.
Done very well for himself, ain't he, eh? Look.
You can say that again mate.
The best thing that I ever did was getting out of this dump.
Of course now, I'm a major shareholder in an office cleaning company.
Got a chain of fast-food restaurants and I'm just going into the automobile trade.
Last year, Del, I bought this apartment overlooking Sydney Harbour.
Half a million dollars.
Architect-designed interior right down to the mirrored ceiling in the bedroom.
- Mirrored ceiling! - Oh, kinky.
No, no, it's purely decorational.
I mean, I wouldn't use it for anything likewell, like that.
Well, you wouldn't use it to comb your hair, would you.
- You think I'm bald don't you? - Well, it had crossed my mind.
Well, I'm not.
Well, that's a hell of a parting you've got there son.
What I mean is I am not naturally bald.
You mean you pay someone to do that? What I mean, Rodney, is that this is the result of a nervous disorder, and my doctors have assured me that me own hair will grow back at any time now.
Trouble is that they told him that 15 years ago! No, listen, he don't mean it.
He's only winding you up.
Alright Del, I'll see you about eight o'clock.
Alright mate, see you later.
Come on then Rodney, Albert, drink up we've got work to do.
D'you clear up down the market? Yes I did.
That's what I wanna talk to you about.
How long have I been a rubbish clearer? You never told me I got promoted.
And that weren't even our rubbish, Del, that come off Harry Dando's fruit and veg stall.
I know it did, now listen Rodney.
Harry's, well, and old man now, he's getting on, got arthritis and a touch of rheumatism.
You know, if I can help somebody as I go along my way, my living will not have been in vain.
- That's my motto.
- How much he pay you? A fiver, so you want two pound then don't you? No I don't.
I want two pound fifty.
Oi, when that doctor said your hair could grow back anytime now, he weren't kidding was he.
So anyway, listen, he said for a moment, 'There I thought you were 'hissing my performance.
' Hello Del.
Alright Mike.
Listen, giss a banana daiguiri for moi and Australian lager for Jumbo.
Alright.
I only sell British lager, Del.
Kronenborg, Hofmeister, stuff like that.
Well, giss one of them then, that's alright, fine.
So how's life been treating you Del? I'm alright, not complaining, not complaining.
I take it you never did become that millionaire you were always talking about? Well, no, no, not yet.
You know.
'This time next year I'll be a millionaire.
' Do you realise they were the last words you said to me before I emigrated? Trouble is that was 1967! Well, you know there's still time, still time.
Thank you Michael.
Thank you, cheers.
D'you believe that Del? I mean, do you truly believe it? Yeah, course I do, yeah.
You should have come with me Del.
You're wasted here.
This country's finished, it's old - decrepit.
Yeah, alright, it's my country so stop having a pop at it will yer? The stench of defeat is everywhere.
Alright, so it's British stench and I happen to be proud of it.
Alright? The old place has got no guts any more.
That's funny that is Jumbo, someone said that a while ago.
A little jumped-up general in Buenos Aires.
And if you're not careful you'll get what the Argies got, a good smack in the eye.
Alright? Now hold on, hold on.
I didn't mean to offend you.
I'm just tryin' to point out a few facts, that is all.
Alright mate, leave it at that then.
D'you remember when our business broke up and I decided to emigrate? Well, if it hadn't 'ave been for you Del, I'd have gone to Australia potless.
You gave me your last two hundred pounds.
I told you to forget it, forget it, didn't I? Well I never did forget it mate.
No, even when times were hard I used to lay in bed at night and think to myself 'One day I'm gonna pay Del back, with interest!' And now I am.
I want us to reform our old partnership.
What, get another fish stall? No, no, no, no.
You see, I'm starting up this business.
I'm gonna import prestige European motors, like Rollers, Mercs, that kind of thing.
I want you to come to Australia as my partner.
I want you to front the business Del Boy, I want you to deal with the public, give 'em that old razzamatazz like you used to.
Australia? Well, I've got the money, I've got the site and thanks to my little deal with Boycie, I've got the motors.
All I need is you.
Well, I dunno.
Australia, it ain't 'alf a long way away off innit, eh? They'd love you over there, they've got no class.
What? No, what I mean is they've got no class structure like they have here in England.
Over there it doesn't matter how you talk.
You see, in Oz, a bloke's just a bloke.
Yeah but, cor blimey, it'll cost a fortune to get over there, won't it eh? I'm paying.
No, no, I couldn't, I ain't got a trade or nothing.
You know, they wouldn't accept me, would they? You've got better than that.
You've got a full partnership in a growing company.
Derek, this time next year you will be that millionaire! No, no, you know, I've got family ties and all that ain't I? Well bring 'em with you.
Put young Rodney on the pay roll.
Well, he has got two GCEs.
That doesn't matter, we'll find something for him to do.
Well, no, no Jumbo.
You gotta remember we didn't 'alf used to row a lot didn't we? So we'll still row.
Our biggest argument will be who's got the most millions.
So what do you say Del Boy, are we gonna do it or ain't we? Alright, put it there, you old bastard, you're in for a fast ride.
Michael, Michael, please a bottle of champagne for my partner and me.
And make it the best champagne.
A bottle of that Dillingers 75.
That's Prince Charles's favourite champagne that.
No, that's Bollingers.
It's bloody true I'm telling you.
They're not at it again in Brixton are they? This is the blitz of London.
I was there.
Rodney, Rodney, Rodney, we're going to Australia! I'll just see the end of this first.
Good boy, good boy.
Listen, I'll get the glasses.
'Sunarise, she come in the morning.
Sunarise, she come up in the morning, Lighting up the ground all around.
' I think you've had enough, don't you? I'm celebrating ain't I? It's not every day like you decide to go to Australia, is it? Go on.
I tell you what, I'll make you a nice cup of black coffee.
No, you don't understand.
We're going to Australia! What do you mean 'We're going to Australia?' Now listen, I metWhat's the matter? What's the matter with this boy? Don't he understand? Let me put it another way, right.
We are going to Australia.
See what happened, Jumbo, Jumbo offered me a partnership in his company, his new company, and it's gonna be a real big earner, Rodney, this time next year we will be millionaires.
Right, first thing in the morning we're going up Australia House, right and we fill in our forms and you know, we're away, we're away.
Don't I have any say in this? I might not wanna go to Australia.
It's too late now, I've given him your word, you see.
Well, I want time to think about this.
You don't have to do that, I've done all that for you.
Just think Rodney, eh, Australia, where the men are men, eh.
- And so are the women.
- What's that supposed to mean? Last time I was over there the only way you could tell the sexes were the men spit further.
Alright, when was the last timeWhen was the last time you was over there? still transporting prisoners over there then, weren't we? Never mind, listen, I want to explain something to you.
Look Rodney, I've gotLook Jumbo borrowed me some of his photos.
Look at them, look at that beach there.
Oh yeah, look at that bird.
Oh, that'd bruise yer ribs wouldn't it.
Hey Rodney, that could be us in a little while.
Blue skies, surfing, beach parties, all that, eh? What'd you reckon? It sounds great.
And he wants us to help run his new car business? No, no, no.
Not help run it.
No, no, no, I'm gonna be a partner, aren't I.
Straight down the middle, see Jumbo he's gonna have 51 per cent of the shares you see.
Well how's that straight down the middle then? Well I'll get 51 per cent of the share as well, I suppose.
The thing is Jumbo's gonna be behind the scenes like, he's gonna handle all the money like, and I'm gonna be the sales director.
I'm gonna have my own executive office, with a swivel chair and all that game.
See.
So what's my job? Ah, listen Rodney, you're gonna play a very vital role in the organisation, and I know, I just know that you can handle it.
So what is it? Well you know when all them Rolls Royces and Mercs they come trundling off the ship, what is the first thing they're gonna need? Import licences, customs clearance, all that.
More important than that.
Re-registering, they gotta have new number plates and log books and all that.
What are they gonna need more than that? - Cleaning! - Cleaning? Yeah.
He's going 20,000 miles just to be a car cleaner? No, he's not gonna be just a car cleaner.
He's gonna be a prestige car cleaner.
You know, he's gonna be in charge of it and all that.
I'll have staff working under me then? Eventually, yeah.
I mean this is a growing business, Rodney, and in a year from now I can't afford to have you down there with your mutton cloth and your T cut.
I've got to have you up in the boardroom, and you'll have your own in-car celluloid phone.
And a secretary? Yeah, all that, you've got to have all that.
What about Albert, though.
We got to find something for him to do.
Yeah, well I've sorted it all out.
I wouldn't waste your time boys, 'cos I'm not going.
Oi, come here Albert, what you mean not going? Listen to me son.
I've spent three-quarters of my life sailing round this world.
Now, all I want is a place to sit down and stay there.
When I come to live with you two I hoped that I would end my days here.
Yeah, well so did we.
But, I mean, this is a great opportunity for us Unc.
Yeah.
It's a young man's oppertunity Rodney.
I'll be alright here on my own.
Alright, if that's what you really want Unc.
Listen, I'll make sure you're alright for a few bob.
Yeah, you're a good boy Del.
Hey Del, we'll be getting away from all this - the fumes and squalor.
It's goodbye to all that and hello to clean air, good living.
That's a point, where are we gonna live? Jumbo said we could have his apartment for a while.
What, not on Sydney Harbour? Yes, that's the one.
It'll be like living on another planet.
Yes Rodney, you can have the room with the mirror ceiling.
Well, what's it say? I've been accepted.
I've been accepted! Well, thank God for that.
I've had this feeling see.
Everything's been going so well I thought something's gotta go wrong, ain't it? No boy, you're home and dry.
I've got this feeling as well.
I think this is the chance that's gonna change your life.
Yeah, I'm gonna make it this time Albert.
You bloody see if I don't! Alright? Triffic Rodders, triffic.
I had a letter, I've been accepted ain't I?? Wassamatter? Nothing, nothing's the matter.
Oi, you ain't getting homesick already are you? No! I got a letter this morning as well.
They've refused me an immigration visa, they've turned me down.
Sorry mate.
But why Rodney? I mean you're young.
And you've got GCEs.
I've also got a criminal record for an offence involving drugs.
Yeah, but, I mean, bloody 'ell! That was years ago and you only took one bloody puff! Yeah I know, but it don't say that on your file does it.
It just says 'Found guilty for the illegal use of drugs.
' I'm sorry mate, I'm really sorry.
I've messed it all up for you ain't I? No you ain't bruv, no you ain't.
Yes I have.
I've blown your big chance.
No you haven't, there is a way round Rodney.
There's always a way round it.
Really? Don't worry Rodney.
I'll find another car cleaner.
You're still going? You're gonna go without me? I've got to, I mean, I've got a partnership waiting for me over there.
But what about our partnership? Our partnership? Oh, our partnership.
Well, yeah, that means all the world to me Rodney you know that, but I'm just gonna have to say bonjour to it.
Look boys, I know it's none of my business You're spot on Albert.
I'll make a toast, son Look Rodney, this is my golden opportunity to fulfill my potential.
What do you want me to do? Stay here, flogging all this rubbish.
I've got 24 computers here that don't work, I gotta near-Persian rug that's got more food on it than a menu.
But last year when I had a golden opportunity you forced me to give it up didn't you? You give me all that cobblers about loyalty and family ties.
But you wanted to become a window cleaner, didn't you? It's hardly the end of the rainbow stuff that, was it? Yeah, well I'd have had my own business.
I know Rodney, but you will have your own business because as soon as I step on that aeroplane you will become the sole proprietor of Trotters Independent Traders.
And what exactly am I supposed to trade with? Well, at least you've got 24 beautiful looking computers, and this sort of Persian rug, not bad, you sloosh it over with a J cloth and it's a real goer.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
Here's my little black book right.
Now I'm gonna give you that and that contains the names and addresses of all my birds.
And this is my future.
24 computers that don't compute, the only rug in the world with a sell-by date and The script to A Hundred and One Dalmatians.
Thanks a lot! Don't you think I've sacrificed enough for you? Sacrifices? For me? Yes you, when dear Mum, Gawd rest her soul, when she died Don't start again.
When she died, who stood by you? Yes, I remember that well.
I was a little five-year-old stood in a damp graveyard wondering what the hole in the ground was for, I remember all the other people saying 'I wonder what's gonna happen to poor little Rodney?' But I had no need to fear, did I, 'cos suddenly a vision appeared from beyond the silhouette of the gasworks.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Del Boy! Da da da daad! 'I, Del Boy, will look after this small waif.
I will bring him up in the ways of Del Boy.
He will sell iffy watches from old suitcases on street corners.
And I will also teach him to drive a three-wheeled van whilst pissed out of his skull!' And I did, didn't I? Yeah, you made a bloody good job of it too.
Just think Del, so far I'm your only success! That says a lot for the two of us, don't it? Rodney, Rodders, listen, I'm gonna make a fortune over there, I'll send you money and that.
You know what you can do with your money Del.
Rodney, look, I've gotta have a chance, I mean this country's going downhill fast, innit? I know but I think the real opportunity lies right here.
What happens when acountry's in a depression, eh? Money gets tight, don't it? People can't afford to pay the inflated shop prices, so what do they do? They come to blokes like us don't they.
I tell you, the more hard up Britain gets, the richer we'd become, eh? This is my big chance Rodney.
Fine, well I'll see you around, sport! Dipstick.
I suppose you heard all that? There are tugboat crews on the Thames heard it all.
So what have we come to, eh? A family feud.
You're like them Ewing brothers, Bobby and JR.
Yeah, I suppose I am a bit like that Bobby.
I wouldn't have said Rodney was like that JR though.
AJ Arthur, but not a JR! Rodney's late.
He's probably out getting smashed somewhere.
Families, families, they're nothing but problems, ain't they Albert? That's true son.
Would you like my advice Del? Yeah, why not.
Go on, chuck your penny-worth in.
You've gotta go son.
If you don't take this chance down you'll spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been.
It's a kind of thing can eat away at you.
I know it'll be tough for young Rodney, but eventually he'll learn to stand on his two feet.
In the long run, this could be the best thing for the both of you.
Cheers Albert.
Thanks very much, perhaps one day you'll try explaining it to Rodney.
You're better at it than me.
I'm gonna phone Jumbo, and tell him what time I'll be arriving.
I tell you one thing, phoning Australia don't 'alf hurt your finger.
Hello Jumbo, Del Boy, eh? Well with your money you ought to have a phone in the khazi! Now listen, a bit of a problem.
Rodney won't be coming over.
No, we've got a few snags this end see.
Me? Na, I won't be coming over either.
Well it's loyalties innit? Family ties, all that.
I know what I am.
I'm sorry mate, the whole deal's off.
You know it makes sense.
Anyway, thanks very much for the offer, it was much appreciated.
Yeah, I'll see you around pal, cheers.
Well, I'm glad my advice helped.
Well, what else could I do? I suppose it'll be for the best in the end.
Are you happy now son? I dunno, in a way I suppose, yes.
It's like a big weight's been removed from my shoulders, I know that.
Well I suppose that's something.
Well, see you in the morning son, goodnight.
Yeah, night Unc.
- Alright? - Oh yeah, brill.
I owe you an apology Del.
All them things I said earlier, I was right out of order, and you've gotta take that opportunity.
Na, it's too late bruv.
I've already phoned Jumbo and told him the whole deal's off.
You ain't? Because of what I said? Well, yeah, in a way Rodney, in a way, because you said 'The real opportunity lies here.
' You know the country's in a bad way, money's tight, people are looking for bargains and who do they turn to first, eh? Blokes like us.
Blokes like us.
I was sitting here, you know, and I thought Rodney has hit the nail right on the head there.
I thought, this wonderful land of ours is on the eve of a golden age of the black market.
And you and me, you know we're gonna be in there first.
I'm glad I listened to you Rodney, I really am, because if I'd have taken that 'Chance of a Lifetime' it could have ruined me.
So we'rewe're still partners then? Yes, if you'll have me back.
Oh well, let me sleep on it, eh? I'll smack you in the nose, saucy sod.
Hey Del, this time next year, eh.
Yeah, this time next year - Well, I'll see you in the morning.
- See you in the morning.
- And Del, you know - Yeah, I know bruv, goodnight Yeah, this time next year! 'Who wants to be a millionaire?'