Orange Is the New Black s03e06 Episode Script
Ching Chong Chang
[cell door slams.]
[theme song playing.]
[cell door slams.]
If I get the maple bacon, that's kinda Paleo, right? Only if you killed it yourself with a crossbow.
You should try the red velvet.
It's new.
Oh, jeez.
Do I look like an idiot to you? No.
You think you can squeeze an extra dollar out of me because it's, like, "Ooh, trendy, it looks like its bleeding"? No, in your heart of hearts, you know as well as I do, red velvet is bullshit.
It tastes like Play-Doh.
It is not velvety.
And the only thing that's good about it is the cream cheese frosting which is meant to live on top of carrot cake, like God intended.
Okay, panda.
We hear you.
Red velvet isn't a thing.
Red velvet can go to hell.
You give me two Long Johns and a jelly.
[sighs.]
Well, I'll be fucked.
What happened? Mind your own beeswax, Donuts.
Oh, you kidding me? If I was a lesser person, I would say, "I told you so.
" [man speaking indistinctly on PA.]
All right, here we are.
Welcome to Litchfield, two-point-nothing.
So recently, we did go from, uh, public to private, which is quite a relief.
God bless free market America of the United States.
[inmate.]
"Free market"? Yeah, I worked the night shift at Sam's Club a while back and they used to lock us in.
Well, it was probably for your own protection.
[scoffs.]
Yeah, it didn't feel like that.
Well, look [scoffs.]
you kidding me? The government socialists are clearly so far up your butt crack about equality, when, in code, it's all about just giving the darker people free shit.
It's all about private corporation because they really look after us.
And you get religious freedom.
- Yeah, I'm not that religious.
- No? Well, that's too bad.
'Cause if you were a Christian, you could tell everybody what to do, and then they do it so they don't hurt your feelings, because that's against the law.
[snaps fingers.]
Come on.
Okay, so this right here is Mr.
Healy's office.
He's one of the counselors.
Now, some of the girls, they like the black one better, okay? But, listen He brings snacks sometimes and he's kind of a silver fox.
Down here, we've got visitation.
Down here, okay? Your family is allowed to come and see you, but if they never do that's probably just 'cause they're too busy.
But they still care about you.
For sure.
For sure.
This place is amazing.
All right, this is still prison and all, right? There's no need to jump off the deep end.
We got off the van, like, five minutes ago, and I haven't heard anybody screaming.
And the walls are so clean.
[Pennsatucky.]
Yeah, and we just got new mattresses, too.
Yes.
This here is Chang.
Chang! So, she works in the commissary.
She don't talk much.
Ching Chong Chang! Fuck you, cracker.
[laughs.]
She loves when I do that.
[woman speaking indistinctly on PA.]
[Alex.]
How's life in the panty mill? Uh, yesterday, we learned everything about sewing, including how to serge with a rolled hem and use a zigzag stitch.
I don't really know what any of it means, so today's gonna be awesome.
What [laughs.]
How's grounds crew treating you? The instructions are pretty clear.
Dig.
Rake.
Schlep.
[Piper.]
Uh-huh.
[Alex scoffs.]
It's fine.
And it's outside.
Anything is better than being stuck down in that sweaty basement with the fucking puppets from The Dark Crystal.
I'm thirsty just looking at her.
[whispering.]
Well, you should see what she does with pepper.
Hey, lesbians.
My eyes squinty, but ears work fine.
Let's go.
I'm sorry.
- I laugh when I see something super weird.
- [hushed.]
Alex! Alex! [Alex.]
How did she get a whole box of salt? [woman speaking Mandarin.]
He should be here any minute now.
[man.]
Is he bringing his checkbook? Between her plane ticket and bus fare to Beijing, I'm in for almost a grand.
Flight reimbursement is included in the deal.
What if I don't like him? Then you can go back to Hebei Province and grow potatoes.
[knocking on door.]
Don't say anything stupid.
Is this a joke? Welcome to our family, Mr.
Sun.
My sister and I are so pleased to meet you.
You promised me a beautiful girl.
I never actually said "beautiful.
" You said she had "pleasing attributes.
" And I'm sure she does.
My sister's a good cook.
And very thrifty.
So am I.
And I paid to find a wife, not a squatty peasant who still smells like sheep shit.
Call me when you want to get serious.
We had a deal! Son of a bitch.
What do we do now? I don't want to go back to China.
I can't take care of her.
Do you have any idea how much she eats? Business has been terrible.
You must know someone else who needs a wife.
I'm only as good as the product.
If you don't have the looks, you at least need charm.
How about finding someone less picky? It's not like this guy was on the A-list.
[sighs.]
What am I going to do? I could help you in the shop.
You owe me eight hundred dollars.
[indistinct chatter on TV.]
[reporter.]
That was the scene just a few minutes ago outside this Lower Manhattan courthouse, where culinary celebrity Judy King was arraigned on charges of tax evasion.
According to authorities I never liked this woman.
She puts cream in her carbonara.
It's vulgar.
What are you writing? It's for drama workshop.
It's about my emotionally manipulative asshat of a mother and all the times she betrayed me.
I'm thinking at the end, I could run her over with a riding lawnmower.
Shred the bitch.
Oh, that's beautiful, honey.
You can watch your cartoons later.
It's the grown-ups' time now, honey.
Hey, Red.
I hear you got family in Queens.
What about them? I was wondering if your husband could give my son a ride up here sometime? I'll trade you whatever.
I've asked everyone, but Dmitri won't be visiting anymore.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry.
He's a worthless mushroom of a man.
I've known a few of those.
Maybe we should give up and be gay.
We got the haircuts.
[laughs.]
There an angle in this place you ain't workin'? Watch and learn, Mendoza.
[clicks tongue.]
[Red chuckles.]
[exclaims sharply.]
The food lady from the TV got arrested! - Wait, what? Oh, shit, is it Nigella? - Mmm-mmm.
- The trashy one? - Mmm-mmm.
- The snotty one? - Mmm-mmm.
Ooh, it's the one with the plantation kinda vibe goin' on, but in a fun way? - Yes! - [laughs.]
- Yes! Had something to do with her taxes.
- [Poussey.]
Yeah, Judy King! There was microphones everywhere.
And they almost stuck one in her ear.
Oh, Lord, if you're really out there, please, please, please let her come to Litchfield.
Please, please, please.
[Crazy Eyes.]
Um [Poussey.]
What? I think your laundry might be alive.
Nah, that's that furry alkie been stealing my jail juice! Yeah, I caught it this morning.
I'll turn that punk into a hat.
[laughs.]
What? Okay.
We gonna have to talk.
What? [sighs.]
So, stations one and two, you will be at the cutting tables this morning cutting patterns.
And then everyone else can start assembling the pieces.
We will switch out after lunch to avoid fatigue.
[Anita laughs.]
Look sharp, ladies.
It's up to us to help the lovers of the world get it on! [scatting.]
That's enough, DeMarco.
Come on, Donaldson.
Live a little, huh? Cut it out, okay? This shit's right up my alley.
Sewed all my kids' clothes until high school.
- [chuckles.]
- I bet they loved that.
Man, somehow my khakis be feelin' extra khaki right now.
Oh, come on, Gonzales.
Looks are superficial.
Everybody knows it's about talent, originality, a sense of humor [both snickering.]
[snorting.]
What do you think it's like to be her in real life? Mmm, she eats pills and ice cream, and cries at night.
And she cuts herself, but on her scalp so no one can see.
So, it's still better than our lives.
I would be her in a second.
[sighs.]
White bitches, white bitches All right, check it.
How many pages you think it is before they put in a token blackie? And how dark is she, scale of one to Grace Jones? All right, 14 and four.
All right, 14 and four.
Let's find out.
[exclaims.]
- So close.
Here she is, page 11.
- Oh, man! - Man, but that's not too bad.
- Mmm-hmm.
But she, like, a two.
- The bitch got blue eyes.
- Yeah, true.
But, damn, look at her abs, though.
I know, right? So I jump out the window.
I fall two floors, I land on the awning, I slide off.
I grab the delivery boy's bicycle, and I'm outta there.
I'm gone.
And that is how I pull off the biggest jewel heist in Chandler, Arizona.
I gotta say, you are the cutest gunslinger I've ever met.
[giggles.]
Thank you so much.
And I do love guns.
I mean, the old ones and the newer ones.
I'm saving up for a 1962 Remington 700.
That's the year they came out.
Push-feed action, Ooh! Just hearing you talk about that makes me want to go out and shoot something.
[groans.]
Now you're making me sad.
You're never gonna be able to buy a gun again, are you? What? As a convicted felon, you can't own a gun.
Oh, right.
Right! That is terrible, isn't it? I mean, that should be a fundamental right.
Like freedom of speech, right? I mean, what is happening to our country? It's the fall of Rome.
[scoffs.]
Don't even get me started on Rome.
I've never written to an inmate before.
I didn't know what to expect.
But you're great.
[sighs.]
You're great, too.
Can I come see you again? I think that would be fine.
Did you think we weren't gonna find out? I never found out.
Nobody said a damn word to me about an ad.
All due respect, sir, but I am gonna have to call a massive amount of bullshit on that.
My kid's got asthma, and out of pocket, her inhaler costs like $300 a month.
I could get heroin for cheaper.
- I understand.
- Do you? 'Cause it seems like the only job you saved around here was your own.
You're still full-time.
You still have health insurance.
You think that's what this is about, huh? I got mine, now I'm gonna cut you loose? It doesn't not look like that, does it? I guess we can put the couch on Airbnb to pay for your wrist surgery.
Listen to me.
Even if I didn't give two shits about you clowns, which is not the case, I would still want to fix this just to get you off my jock.
I promise you.
I think that was his way of saying he cares what happens to us.
Exactly.
If you care about us, you should say it.
Say you care about us.
No.
Say you love us.
What? We're family in here.
You love us and you're gonna turn this thing around.
Say it.
[mutters indistinctly.]
[sighs.]
I I love you.
[Ford.]
That's more like it.
[indistinct chatter.]
Hi, I would like a kosher meal, please.
We got beef, noodles and peas.
It's a religious thing.
Which means Uncle Sam says you gotta provide it when asked for.
That's actually true.
Well, we don't have it.
Kosher's in extra deep freeze.
Where it's been for months because nobody ever asked for it when they were eating tasty, nutritious Russian fusion.
But now this is what it's come to.
Some tweaker wants kosher.
We don't got enough to deal with around here, now we got Jews? La Red says it's in the back.
[chuckles.]
This actually looks pretty good.
No noodles.
All peas.
- You want cake? - Just peas.
Two milk.
Food is to be eaten in the cafeteria.
Yeah, totally.
I'm just running out real quick.
- I'm gonna come right back.
- Really? Or are you going to stash that cake in your locker for later and then pretend you don't know why there are roaches in B-Dorm? My dreams make me hungry.
[sighs.]
[Brook groans.]
You know what sucks? Belonging to a race that doesn't commit enough low-value crimes to be relevant in a place like this.
Where's my big, Asian prison family? You Scottish.
[Brook.]
Not to white people I'm not.
One drop of ethnic blood and bam! I'm basically made in China, like you and my toothbrush.
You Scottish.
- [sighing.]
- [microwave beeping.]
[indistinct conversations.]
[doorbell jingles.]
[speaking Mandarin.]
Seven million people in New York City and none of them in my shop.
Maybe we could start doing foot massages or something.
Shit, you're right.
Just like the three actual massage places on this block.
You're a marketing wizard.
[doorbell jingles.]
Okay, we've got two boxes of dried sea cucumber and a box of deer antlers.
Really nice this time, from New Zealand.
And? Where's my special delivery? We had a little setback.
That idiot Zhang Bo got himself busted.
I need this stuff, Deng.
You think I make money on fucking chrysanthemum tea? I have six people waiting on bear bile.
The cops are all over the neighborhood, stopping anyone suspicious.
Your gall bladders are sitting with 300 Gs worth of rhino horn in a storage unit in Flushing and we can't touch them.
Look, this will blow over.
We wait a few months A few months? No.
Take Mei.
Have her carry it.
[both laughing.]
This is no job for a woman.
It's a job for this woman.
The whole time we've been talking, she was standing right there.
You never even looked at her.
She's invisible.
I can do it.
[sewing machines whirring.]
[Black Cindy.]
Come on, man.
God damn.
Ugh.
[groans.]
God damn it! [Flaca laughing.]
There's a one-legged chick out there that's gonna be real grateful for that.
Man, ain't you plannin' on doing any sewin' while you here? I'll get to it.
I'm like the Flash with this shit.
What page you gotta get to before you see a Spanish girl? If you're talkin' about Latinas, there's, like, 20 different countries that all look different.
See this blond chick? She could be Latina.
- We don't know.
- [Black Cindy.]
Let me see.
- Nah, she probably ain't though.
- No, probably not.
Man, I gotta start running or something.
Yeah, I ran all the time and boys just thought I was weird.
It's all Photoshopped anyway.
Special lighting, tape and shit.
We're chasing an unachievable standard.
I ain't chasin' nothin'.
I'm a strong black woman, and we got a different standard of beauty in our community.
- Not true.
- Excuse me? - Beyoncé.
- Uh-uh.
Don't you say nothin' about Bey.
She ain't out there with her nappy hair and her plus-size dashiki, okay? She playing a white girl game.
And she winnin'.
Winnin'! And you provin' my point exactly, Morticia.
There are hella ways for black women to be beautiful.
- A white girl, though - Mmm-hmm.
[whispering.]
They just gotta be skinny.
[Frieda.]
Ouch! Jesus H! That's the third time.
Did you ever wear anything like this, back in your day? - "In my day"? - Mmm-hmm.
That's kind of insulting.
Sorry.
In my day, I wore fuck all.
[chuckles.]
You've either got to do it, or not.
"Get to the banging.
" - Mmm.
- That's my philosophy.
You know, I kinda like lingerie.
I think it's less about seducing someone else and more about feeling sexy yourself.
I mean, I know it's ridiculous.
But when it's not being ridiculous, I think I think it can make you feel powerful.
[Frieda and Stella laughing.]
What? You should hear yourself.
It's like, "Help! I'm a skinny hot girl, but I need a little something extra to make me feel sexy.
" If you knew me, you would know I am definitely not the hot girl.
"Help! The burden of my genetic perfection, it's so heavy and so unfair.
" Genes are genes and they do not take away from my God-given right to look in the mirror and feel shitty about my thighs.
You're tall and blond, and your legs are up to your neck.
Relax, enjoy it.
I double majored in communications and comparative literature.
Of course you did.
Why are Betties always going on about how nerdy they really are? It's like, just fuckin' own it, you know? Like when rich people pretend they're not rich.
[Stella.]
Exactly.
Maybe it's because Betties get treated like they're stupid.
Well, then, don't be stupid.
Women.
And you don't consider yourself a member of that category? I do.
But only because my options are limited.
So I dive out the window.
I fall two floors.
I land splat on the awning.
Jump down, grab the delivery guy's bicycle and scram.
And that is how I became the most wanted arsonist in Winter Park, Florida.
Shit, that is intense.
Well, you know, life is intense.
Sometimes you need an escape route.
Well, I guess that's why we both love anime.
Right! Who doesn't need a break from reality? My prison reality.
Your suburban Connecticut reality.
Oh, last year I got into such a huge fight at the Expo.
Some dude's like, "If you got a horn on your head, you can't be Pegasus.
Pegasus isn't a unicorn.
" And I'm like, "In Sailor Moon he is, bitch!" That shit got crazy.
Oh, what a bitch! Yeah.
What's your favorite anime? Oh, it's very obscure, you probably haven't heard of it.
[chuckles.]
It's this animal-human hybrid thing.
It's by an artist named Dayanara Diaz.
It's really out there.
I'll have to check it out.
I like you, Lorna.
And I like you, too, Ron.
I'll be honest with you, the last girl I met in this prison pen pal thing turned out to be a little heavier.
And I don't go for that.
But you've got a normal BMI and a very symmetrical face.
Oh, stop.
[woman on PA.]
MCC appreciates your honest feedback.
We strive for excellence.
Thank you.
[scoffs.]
So now you're ignoring me, hmm? My son used to do this when he was five.
You tried to play me, Red.
You were insincere, and you capitalized on my sensitivities.
I want the kitchen back.
What other choice did I have? You could've asked me nicely.
Aw, and that would have worked? Possibly.
I'm a person.
We're people.
No one in here is people.
You think this is a normal relationship? Human to human? I take advantage, you get your feelings hurt.
You forget that when you leave here tonight, you lock me in behind you.
Hey, I don't make the rules.
You take a woman's power away.
Her work, her family, her currency.
You leave her with one coin the one she was born with.
It may be tawdry and demeaning, but if she has to, she will spend it.
[inhales.]
But you're right.
Your feelings count, too.
I mean, you couldn't give a guy a heads-up on this fiasco? I got COs up my ass like a lemon-juice enema.
Oh, like your mom never did it to you? Come on.
But I should have told you.
One of those things.
You know, you get the call from upstairs I probably found out five minutes before you did.
Yeah, well, it stinks.
Yeah, well, I 100% get why these guys are upset.
But, on the other hand, you know, keeping tabs on that many inmates takes a toll.
These guys, uh, they start making mistakes, you know.
Cutting hours gives these guys some down time.
They rest up, they come in fresh Yeah, to a job they no longer give two shits about 'cause you cut their benefits and they're making bubkes.
Good point, good point, you know, but [exhales.]
Between you and me, I'm not too happy about this whole thing, either.
I mean You obviously know more about Litchfield than anybody.
Who should be calling the shots? You or some fucking corporate bigwig? The ad says all you need to apply is a GED and no felonies.
I mean, they really think that's all it takes? Although, Luschek, am I right? [sighs.]
Yeah, I don't know how that happened.
I gotta tell you, Pearson, the last few years have been a rough ride.
I've been through the shit.
Can we get two more of these? [Pearson.]
I tell you what.
The applications have been coming to me, which is crazy.
You should be doing the hiring.
You know exactly what you need.
Who knows, maybe you'll find some hidden gems in there.
I guess you never know.
Yeah.
That's the spirit.
My neck is fuckin' killing me.
Hell yeah.
Sewing is no joke.
Uh Hey, what you got on your tray? Eggs and some kind of tomato sauce.
I did not see no eggs up there.
You see eggs? Mmm-mmm.
I did not see eggs.
It's kosher.
You gotta ask for it.
"Kosher"? Like some pickles, "kosher"? No, there's all these Jewish laws about food.
Kosher means they obeyed all the laws.
They make it special.
Well, you don't look Jewish to me.
I'm Lutheran.
From Norway.
But they're not allowed to ask you about that on account of the Holocaust, so I don't say shit.
Ugh.
Uh-uh.
This changes everything.
My back is in spasm and all of my fingers hurt.
Wait, have you been cheating on me? I have been touching many panties.
Which reminds me.
I brought you a souvenir.
Meet your new bunkie.
She's damaged in all the right ways and has big naturals.
I call her Lola.
You get everything about me.
Whoa! Hold up.
These bras cost $90? I know, right? And I get 45 cents to make them.
It's basically slave labor.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You do not get to say what's slavery, okay? - Mmm-mmm.
- I get to say what's slavery.
And PS, technically, - it's more like indentured servitude.
- Mmm-hmm.
[Black Cindy.]
Y'all don't know about that slave life.
We makin' a dollar an hour.
That's like 10 times what we got before.
But the other jobs are about prison upkeep.
The Whispers people are profiting from this.
- I'm okay with that.
- Mmm-hmm.
Me too.
Your oatmeal's getting cold.
Do you know anything about birds? What, like birds in general? [Lorna.]
Anything.
Well, owls eat whole mice and then throw up the bones.
- [Piper.]
Mmm-hmm.
- Big Bird is yellow, coq au vin is delicious, and you're being crazy right now.
Oh, everybody needs a hobby.
Morello, think about the kind of guys who write to women in prison.
I mean, if you want a boyfriend, you might wanna fish in a different pool.
No, no, no, no, no.
It is not about that.
It is a straight up moneymaking thing.
You get one of these bozos on the hook, and they are just throwing money in your commissary, throwing it in.
All right.
Well, if that's all it is.
But you don't have to do this.
I mean, Chapman's hauling in so much bank now, she's gonna buy us all a pony.
[people speaking Mandarin.]
[chuckles.]
[inmate.]
Uh-oh.
Not cool.
Throw it back.
[Maureen.]
What a dick.
[Fu chuckles.]
[speaking Mandarin.]
It's a dance, but you just walk backward.
And your feet don't ever leave the ground.
That's not a dance.
- Says who? - Says me.
Well, you're not in charge.
Is this why you bought those penny-loafers? [sighs.]
Where the fuck is this guy? - Fu.
- Hmm.
Does this stuff really work? Which stuff? The stuff.
For men.
I've been with you guys for months now and it's like half the business: The penis soup, the snake blood Maybe it's not whether it works, but whether you think it works.
But it's like nobody in China can get a boner.
That can't be true.
It's more about feeling powerful.
I have this American girlfriend.
Taller than I am, with yellow hair, she smokes these thin cigarettes.
Scares the shit out of me.
Men are dumb.
[vehicle approaching.]
Ah! Ni Kan.
Finally.
[speaking English.]
Hey, Park, I thought you died.
Just get your shit, man.
Big turtles.
Venezuela.
Okay.
[Fu sighs.]
[speaking Mandarin.]
Fu.
They're Ping-Pong balls.
Huh? Shenme? [grunting.]
[metal scraping.]
[gun cocks.]
[Fu coughs.]
[speaking Mandarin.]
Fucking Koreans.
You might have saved my life, Mei.
I owe you.
I know what I want.
[woman speaking indistinctly on PA.]
So my new applicant pool is basically the cast of fucking Animal House.
I'd cry for you, but I'm all out of Kleenex.
I gotta play the game, okay? Look at what they send me.
This guy's total work experience, seven months in a Radio Shack that he ended up leaving for "creative differences," which probably means he's got a Nazi tattoo.
Look, this guy, he answered, "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?" with, "It's complicated.
" Hey, you know who has a ton of work experience and a clean record and who wants a job here? Fucking me.
I even have a uniform and everything.
- Let's get through this, Maxwell.
- [sighs.]
I'm gonna show them that I'm a good pawn and that I'm willing to play ball.
And then in a few months, I tell them, "Look, we tried it your way.
Now, I need my guys full-time.
" I miss Fig.
Right.
Right.
Send one of these jokers back to my office.
Which one? Thrill me.
[Healy.]
Hey! Hey, boss man.
I got interviews, Healy.
With those yahoos in the lobby? Yikes.
I don't envy your job today.
I've never felt closer to you.
Hey, listen, I don't know what else these MCC goons got up their sleeve, but I want you to know I got full confidence in you.
I know you're doing the best that you can.
I can see that.
Thank you.
Us old-timers gotta stick together, okay? I got your back all the way.
I appreciate that.
Good luck, all right? Oh, hey, uh, do me a favor and sign this real quick for me.
You want Reznikov back in the kitchen? She was running a whole black market outta there.
Yeah, but that wasn't proven.
And we got all new vendors in the kitchen now.
And don't forget, we just lost Gonzales to the underwear people.
[sighs.]
I don't know.
I don't know, Healy.
I'll keep an eye on her.
She'll start off in the bottom, washing dishes, doing the onions.
We got a lot bigger problems, here, man.
[pen scribbles.]
Do not mistake my kindness for weakness, Counselor.
[pen clacks.]
I'll keep that in mind.
Side Boob! [sewing machines whirring.]
[Piper.]
Huh.
Uh, Mr.
Brand? You know, if you smush these patterns just a little bit closer together, you can actually get an extra Lacy Low-Rider Indiscretion bikini from the same piece of fabric.
Thanks for your advice, inmate.
It was really more of an observation.
Let's just assume that Whispers Inc.
knows how they want to make panties, okay? [Stella.]
See? Even C-minus-looking people can be stupid.
[chuckles.]
You closin' up? I got time for one more.
I need my neck shaved.
No one ever wants anything fun around here.
I'm guessing fun, to you, means a 2-foot poufy thing with a birdcage in it? And what would be so terrible about that? I mean, especially in a place like this.
We could use some some originality, some sass.
Mmm-mmm.
Not getting noticed is my main goal.
[sighs.]
Sass is what lands you in Seg.
[Sophia chuckles.]
I feel that.
[laughing.]
Really? 'Cause you doin' the opposite.
You got this whole thing going on, the hair, the makeup I mean, who has the energy to go full MAC counter every day? Listen, after all I went through to be me, I'm not about to let shit slide.
Yeah, but you all up in our face with it, like all blown out and shit.
Look, if you wanted to look like a real woman, you would let your roots grow out and get some bags under your eyes.
You know, historically, me and reality not friends.
Mmm.
You got me there.
This one time, I'm getting on the Metro-North to head home, and this mouth-breather, this mouth-breather comes right up behind me and smacks me on the ass.
- And I'm thinking - I'm sorry, could you go back a second to the part where you're on the Metro-North? What about it? - Where you live? - Yonkers.
Childhood home of Mary J.
Blige and Anthrax.
[chuckles.]
You know that my son, you know, Benny, he's in the Bronx.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
You think that maybe, um he could ride up here sometimes with your wife? You know, for visitation.
'Cause he could take the bus to their house.
I'll ask her.
[chuckles.]
I'm feeling sassier already.
- Mmm-hmm? - [chuckles.]
Glad you could come out for a real visit? Nice drive.
First time in prison's always weird.
You must feel like a starling.
A what now? A common starling.
You know, how they weren't native to America and then that guy Eugene brought them over, 'cause he wanted it to be like Shakespeare's time.
Right, sure.
I think I saw a hermit thrush, yesterday.
At least, I think it was a hermit thrush.
It was all by itself.
My uncle had a parakeet.
Knew how to swear in Italian, but he shit all over the house.
You're not that into birds, are you? Got nothing against them, but mostly I'm into Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
Like I wrote you.
Oh, sure, Jiu-Jitsu.
Everybody loves Jiu-Jitsu.
It's delicious.
You wanna tell me what's going on here? No, nothing, nothing.
Nothing's going on.
It was just a little misunderstanding You think I'm some bird guy? - No.
- What is this? Is this a scam? Trying to get money or something? No, no, no, no, no! It's not about money I'm supposed to believe that? You're the top contract killer in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.
Look the only person that cared about me, they took her away to Max.
And I'm so lonely.
[voice breaking.]
And I thought, if I wrote to enough people, then maybe I would find somebody and, oh [sobbing.]
I watched so much Discovery Channel.
[sniffles.]
[man sighs.]
Hold up, hey.
Hey.
I don't care how many other guys you wrote.
I'm just glad I get to meet you.
[sighs.]
"I'm glad you confronted me about your feelings, Gina-bo-bina.
I see now that the way I treated you was wrong.
" "Thank you, Mom.
I feel so much better about our relationship.
If you weren't dead, I'd hug you.
" "I think you forgot that anything is possible in your imagination.
" You hug.
You hug.
Oh.
[Rogers.]
Very nice, ladies.
And a big hand to Gina who shared a piece of her life with us.
[scattered applause.]
Dead is dead is gone forever.
You don't say that you can still give hugs.
It's irresponsible.
Because you can't.
You regularly talk to a mop.
[inmate.]
Burn! [Rogers.]
Okay.
Okay.
[Gina whispers.]
You did great.
Who's next? Come on Anyone? [man grunting.]
Ahh! Ahh! [coughing.]
[Fu speaking Mandarin.]
This is the fuckwad who rejected you? It's not like I'm looking at God's gift here.
Right? I remember you.
What do you want us to do with him? [imitating Chang.]
"Cut out his gall bladder!" "Please, no! I was dummy.
- I made big mistake.
- [chuckles.]
You are strong and beautiful, like a horse.
Please, forgive me.
" [laughing maniacally.]
"Too late for sorry, now.
[stutters.]
Kill him!" [Angie.]
"I must die now for being the worst person.
I accept your wisdom.
Girl power.
" [gurgling.]
[imitates blood spurting.]
- [laughing.]
- [inmates exclaiming.]
"And now I eat his " [sighs.]
Okay, I don't feel comfortable saying this.
It's disgusting.
Okay, okay.
We can stop here.
I did say to re-imagine old resentments, but I think you took this a little too far to be constructive.
I liked it.
[inmates murmuring.]
All fake.
Showbiz.
Yeah, see Hey, Big Talkin' Missy.
Out of the kitchen, into the sweatshop.
Turns out your mobility ain't so upwards, huh? Fuck off, Ruiz.
At least my hair doesn't smell like a deep fryer.
[chuckles.]
Uh-uh.
I'm gonna eat one of them kosher meals y'all got back there.
You ain't even Jewish.
You think you know my life? - Fine.
- [Black Cindy.]
Yeah.
Shabbat shalom, bitch.
How much longer you gonna stay mad? Man, do you know how hard it is to get a squirrel into a laundry bag? [laughs.]
No.
I took it a little too far, hooch jacking you.
But you was pissin' and settin' traps like Elmer Fudd.
Man, the shit was funny.
[laughs.]
But also, I was worried about you.
Well, you know, if I was worried about you, I'd have made you some goddamn soup or something.
Excellent point.
But you think you might want to cut down on the sauce, though? Like, just to make sure you can? - I ain't hurtin' nobody.
- Um [taps fork.]
Excuse me, Miss Poussey? This is your liver speakin' It just makes me feel better, okay? It makes me feel like I can get through this.
Come with me to AA.
- [scoffs.]
- Come on, man.
It'll be fun.
You ain't even a addict! You just make up crazy stories about shit that ain't even happened.
- So? - And then everybody gotta listen to you.
It's your personal open mic night.
Well, instead of poetry slam, it's like poetry slammer.
No.
[imitating Cinque.]
Come on, like, "Give us, us freestyle.
" Oh, you pullin' out the Amistad, now.
Damn.
[chuckles.]
[clears throat.]
I just feel like this place is beatin' me down.
I don't need no audience to talk at.
[chuckles.]
I need a girlfriend.
Like, a real one.
You know? Love.
[woman on PA.]
MCC is looking to train you for your job on the outside.
See human resources.
No! [breathing heavily.]
O'Neill, I hired a new guard.
First of many.
And I'm gonna need you guys to show him the ropes.
Help yourself.
Red velvet is shit.
[toilet flushes.]
You like Bo Derek.
Tarzan, 1981.
Please pretend that you didn't just see this.
I don't see nothing.
I just wanted to feel pretty.
Chang? I'm sorry about the other day.
Thank you, lesbian.
[speaking Mandarin.]
What do you want us to do with him? You will always be an ugly girl who no one wants.
Whether I live or die, nothing will change that.
He's right.
Nothing will change.
Mei! What should we do with him? Should we let him go? Nah.
Cut out his gall bladder.
[man yelling.]
No! - [knife plunges.]
- [man screaming.]
Ay, coño.
Hey! Cuidado.
I'm back.
[punk rock playing.]
[theme song playing.]
[cell door slams.]
If I get the maple bacon, that's kinda Paleo, right? Only if you killed it yourself with a crossbow.
You should try the red velvet.
It's new.
Oh, jeez.
Do I look like an idiot to you? No.
You think you can squeeze an extra dollar out of me because it's, like, "Ooh, trendy, it looks like its bleeding"? No, in your heart of hearts, you know as well as I do, red velvet is bullshit.
It tastes like Play-Doh.
It is not velvety.
And the only thing that's good about it is the cream cheese frosting which is meant to live on top of carrot cake, like God intended.
Okay, panda.
We hear you.
Red velvet isn't a thing.
Red velvet can go to hell.
You give me two Long Johns and a jelly.
[sighs.]
Well, I'll be fucked.
What happened? Mind your own beeswax, Donuts.
Oh, you kidding me? If I was a lesser person, I would say, "I told you so.
" [man speaking indistinctly on PA.]
All right, here we are.
Welcome to Litchfield, two-point-nothing.
So recently, we did go from, uh, public to private, which is quite a relief.
God bless free market America of the United States.
[inmate.]
"Free market"? Yeah, I worked the night shift at Sam's Club a while back and they used to lock us in.
Well, it was probably for your own protection.
[scoffs.]
Yeah, it didn't feel like that.
Well, look [scoffs.]
you kidding me? The government socialists are clearly so far up your butt crack about equality, when, in code, it's all about just giving the darker people free shit.
It's all about private corporation because they really look after us.
And you get religious freedom.
- Yeah, I'm not that religious.
- No? Well, that's too bad.
'Cause if you were a Christian, you could tell everybody what to do, and then they do it so they don't hurt your feelings, because that's against the law.
[snaps fingers.]
Come on.
Okay, so this right here is Mr.
Healy's office.
He's one of the counselors.
Now, some of the girls, they like the black one better, okay? But, listen He brings snacks sometimes and he's kind of a silver fox.
Down here, we've got visitation.
Down here, okay? Your family is allowed to come and see you, but if they never do that's probably just 'cause they're too busy.
But they still care about you.
For sure.
For sure.
This place is amazing.
All right, this is still prison and all, right? There's no need to jump off the deep end.
We got off the van, like, five minutes ago, and I haven't heard anybody screaming.
And the walls are so clean.
[Pennsatucky.]
Yeah, and we just got new mattresses, too.
Yes.
This here is Chang.
Chang! So, she works in the commissary.
She don't talk much.
Ching Chong Chang! Fuck you, cracker.
[laughs.]
She loves when I do that.
[woman speaking indistinctly on PA.]
[Alex.]
How's life in the panty mill? Uh, yesterday, we learned everything about sewing, including how to serge with a rolled hem and use a zigzag stitch.
I don't really know what any of it means, so today's gonna be awesome.
What [laughs.]
How's grounds crew treating you? The instructions are pretty clear.
Dig.
Rake.
Schlep.
[Piper.]
Uh-huh.
[Alex scoffs.]
It's fine.
And it's outside.
Anything is better than being stuck down in that sweaty basement with the fucking puppets from The Dark Crystal.
I'm thirsty just looking at her.
[whispering.]
Well, you should see what she does with pepper.
Hey, lesbians.
My eyes squinty, but ears work fine.
Let's go.
I'm sorry.
- I laugh when I see something super weird.
- [hushed.]
Alex! Alex! [Alex.]
How did she get a whole box of salt? [woman speaking Mandarin.]
He should be here any minute now.
[man.]
Is he bringing his checkbook? Between her plane ticket and bus fare to Beijing, I'm in for almost a grand.
Flight reimbursement is included in the deal.
What if I don't like him? Then you can go back to Hebei Province and grow potatoes.
[knocking on door.]
Don't say anything stupid.
Is this a joke? Welcome to our family, Mr.
Sun.
My sister and I are so pleased to meet you.
You promised me a beautiful girl.
I never actually said "beautiful.
" You said she had "pleasing attributes.
" And I'm sure she does.
My sister's a good cook.
And very thrifty.
So am I.
And I paid to find a wife, not a squatty peasant who still smells like sheep shit.
Call me when you want to get serious.
We had a deal! Son of a bitch.
What do we do now? I don't want to go back to China.
I can't take care of her.
Do you have any idea how much she eats? Business has been terrible.
You must know someone else who needs a wife.
I'm only as good as the product.
If you don't have the looks, you at least need charm.
How about finding someone less picky? It's not like this guy was on the A-list.
[sighs.]
What am I going to do? I could help you in the shop.
You owe me eight hundred dollars.
[indistinct chatter on TV.]
[reporter.]
That was the scene just a few minutes ago outside this Lower Manhattan courthouse, where culinary celebrity Judy King was arraigned on charges of tax evasion.
According to authorities I never liked this woman.
She puts cream in her carbonara.
It's vulgar.
What are you writing? It's for drama workshop.
It's about my emotionally manipulative asshat of a mother and all the times she betrayed me.
I'm thinking at the end, I could run her over with a riding lawnmower.
Shred the bitch.
Oh, that's beautiful, honey.
You can watch your cartoons later.
It's the grown-ups' time now, honey.
Hey, Red.
I hear you got family in Queens.
What about them? I was wondering if your husband could give my son a ride up here sometime? I'll trade you whatever.
I've asked everyone, but Dmitri won't be visiting anymore.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry.
He's a worthless mushroom of a man.
I've known a few of those.
Maybe we should give up and be gay.
We got the haircuts.
[laughs.]
There an angle in this place you ain't workin'? Watch and learn, Mendoza.
[clicks tongue.]
[Red chuckles.]
[exclaims sharply.]
The food lady from the TV got arrested! - Wait, what? Oh, shit, is it Nigella? - Mmm-mmm.
- The trashy one? - Mmm-mmm.
- The snotty one? - Mmm-mmm.
Ooh, it's the one with the plantation kinda vibe goin' on, but in a fun way? - Yes! - [laughs.]
- Yes! Had something to do with her taxes.
- [Poussey.]
Yeah, Judy King! There was microphones everywhere.
And they almost stuck one in her ear.
Oh, Lord, if you're really out there, please, please, please let her come to Litchfield.
Please, please, please.
[Crazy Eyes.]
Um [Poussey.]
What? I think your laundry might be alive.
Nah, that's that furry alkie been stealing my jail juice! Yeah, I caught it this morning.
I'll turn that punk into a hat.
[laughs.]
What? Okay.
We gonna have to talk.
What? [sighs.]
So, stations one and two, you will be at the cutting tables this morning cutting patterns.
And then everyone else can start assembling the pieces.
We will switch out after lunch to avoid fatigue.
[Anita laughs.]
Look sharp, ladies.
It's up to us to help the lovers of the world get it on! [scatting.]
That's enough, DeMarco.
Come on, Donaldson.
Live a little, huh? Cut it out, okay? This shit's right up my alley.
Sewed all my kids' clothes until high school.
- [chuckles.]
- I bet they loved that.
Man, somehow my khakis be feelin' extra khaki right now.
Oh, come on, Gonzales.
Looks are superficial.
Everybody knows it's about talent, originality, a sense of humor [both snickering.]
[snorting.]
What do you think it's like to be her in real life? Mmm, she eats pills and ice cream, and cries at night.
And she cuts herself, but on her scalp so no one can see.
So, it's still better than our lives.
I would be her in a second.
[sighs.]
White bitches, white bitches All right, check it.
How many pages you think it is before they put in a token blackie? And how dark is she, scale of one to Grace Jones? All right, 14 and four.
All right, 14 and four.
Let's find out.
[exclaims.]
- So close.
Here she is, page 11.
- Oh, man! - Man, but that's not too bad.
- Mmm-hmm.
But she, like, a two.
- The bitch got blue eyes.
- Yeah, true.
But, damn, look at her abs, though.
I know, right? So I jump out the window.
I fall two floors, I land on the awning, I slide off.
I grab the delivery boy's bicycle, and I'm outta there.
I'm gone.
And that is how I pull off the biggest jewel heist in Chandler, Arizona.
I gotta say, you are the cutest gunslinger I've ever met.
[giggles.]
Thank you so much.
And I do love guns.
I mean, the old ones and the newer ones.
I'm saving up for a 1962 Remington 700.
That's the year they came out.
Push-feed action, Ooh! Just hearing you talk about that makes me want to go out and shoot something.
[groans.]
Now you're making me sad.
You're never gonna be able to buy a gun again, are you? What? As a convicted felon, you can't own a gun.
Oh, right.
Right! That is terrible, isn't it? I mean, that should be a fundamental right.
Like freedom of speech, right? I mean, what is happening to our country? It's the fall of Rome.
[scoffs.]
Don't even get me started on Rome.
I've never written to an inmate before.
I didn't know what to expect.
But you're great.
[sighs.]
You're great, too.
Can I come see you again? I think that would be fine.
Did you think we weren't gonna find out? I never found out.
Nobody said a damn word to me about an ad.
All due respect, sir, but I am gonna have to call a massive amount of bullshit on that.
My kid's got asthma, and out of pocket, her inhaler costs like $300 a month.
I could get heroin for cheaper.
- I understand.
- Do you? 'Cause it seems like the only job you saved around here was your own.
You're still full-time.
You still have health insurance.
You think that's what this is about, huh? I got mine, now I'm gonna cut you loose? It doesn't not look like that, does it? I guess we can put the couch on Airbnb to pay for your wrist surgery.
Listen to me.
Even if I didn't give two shits about you clowns, which is not the case, I would still want to fix this just to get you off my jock.
I promise you.
I think that was his way of saying he cares what happens to us.
Exactly.
If you care about us, you should say it.
Say you care about us.
No.
Say you love us.
What? We're family in here.
You love us and you're gonna turn this thing around.
Say it.
[mutters indistinctly.]
[sighs.]
I I love you.
[Ford.]
That's more like it.
[indistinct chatter.]
Hi, I would like a kosher meal, please.
We got beef, noodles and peas.
It's a religious thing.
Which means Uncle Sam says you gotta provide it when asked for.
That's actually true.
Well, we don't have it.
Kosher's in extra deep freeze.
Where it's been for months because nobody ever asked for it when they were eating tasty, nutritious Russian fusion.
But now this is what it's come to.
Some tweaker wants kosher.
We don't got enough to deal with around here, now we got Jews? La Red says it's in the back.
[chuckles.]
This actually looks pretty good.
No noodles.
All peas.
- You want cake? - Just peas.
Two milk.
Food is to be eaten in the cafeteria.
Yeah, totally.
I'm just running out real quick.
- I'm gonna come right back.
- Really? Or are you going to stash that cake in your locker for later and then pretend you don't know why there are roaches in B-Dorm? My dreams make me hungry.
[sighs.]
[Brook groans.]
You know what sucks? Belonging to a race that doesn't commit enough low-value crimes to be relevant in a place like this.
Where's my big, Asian prison family? You Scottish.
[Brook.]
Not to white people I'm not.
One drop of ethnic blood and bam! I'm basically made in China, like you and my toothbrush.
You Scottish.
- [sighing.]
- [microwave beeping.]
[indistinct conversations.]
[doorbell jingles.]
[speaking Mandarin.]
Seven million people in New York City and none of them in my shop.
Maybe we could start doing foot massages or something.
Shit, you're right.
Just like the three actual massage places on this block.
You're a marketing wizard.
[doorbell jingles.]
Okay, we've got two boxes of dried sea cucumber and a box of deer antlers.
Really nice this time, from New Zealand.
And? Where's my special delivery? We had a little setback.
That idiot Zhang Bo got himself busted.
I need this stuff, Deng.
You think I make money on fucking chrysanthemum tea? I have six people waiting on bear bile.
The cops are all over the neighborhood, stopping anyone suspicious.
Your gall bladders are sitting with 300 Gs worth of rhino horn in a storage unit in Flushing and we can't touch them.
Look, this will blow over.
We wait a few months A few months? No.
Take Mei.
Have her carry it.
[both laughing.]
This is no job for a woman.
It's a job for this woman.
The whole time we've been talking, she was standing right there.
You never even looked at her.
She's invisible.
I can do it.
[sewing machines whirring.]
[Black Cindy.]
Come on, man.
God damn.
Ugh.
[groans.]
God damn it! [Flaca laughing.]
There's a one-legged chick out there that's gonna be real grateful for that.
Man, ain't you plannin' on doing any sewin' while you here? I'll get to it.
I'm like the Flash with this shit.
What page you gotta get to before you see a Spanish girl? If you're talkin' about Latinas, there's, like, 20 different countries that all look different.
See this blond chick? She could be Latina.
- We don't know.
- [Black Cindy.]
Let me see.
- Nah, she probably ain't though.
- No, probably not.
Man, I gotta start running or something.
Yeah, I ran all the time and boys just thought I was weird.
It's all Photoshopped anyway.
Special lighting, tape and shit.
We're chasing an unachievable standard.
I ain't chasin' nothin'.
I'm a strong black woman, and we got a different standard of beauty in our community.
- Not true.
- Excuse me? - Beyoncé.
- Uh-uh.
Don't you say nothin' about Bey.
She ain't out there with her nappy hair and her plus-size dashiki, okay? She playing a white girl game.
And she winnin'.
Winnin'! And you provin' my point exactly, Morticia.
There are hella ways for black women to be beautiful.
- A white girl, though - Mmm-hmm.
[whispering.]
They just gotta be skinny.
[Frieda.]
Ouch! Jesus H! That's the third time.
Did you ever wear anything like this, back in your day? - "In my day"? - Mmm-hmm.
That's kind of insulting.
Sorry.
In my day, I wore fuck all.
[chuckles.]
You've either got to do it, or not.
"Get to the banging.
" - Mmm.
- That's my philosophy.
You know, I kinda like lingerie.
I think it's less about seducing someone else and more about feeling sexy yourself.
I mean, I know it's ridiculous.
But when it's not being ridiculous, I think I think it can make you feel powerful.
[Frieda and Stella laughing.]
What? You should hear yourself.
It's like, "Help! I'm a skinny hot girl, but I need a little something extra to make me feel sexy.
" If you knew me, you would know I am definitely not the hot girl.
"Help! The burden of my genetic perfection, it's so heavy and so unfair.
" Genes are genes and they do not take away from my God-given right to look in the mirror and feel shitty about my thighs.
You're tall and blond, and your legs are up to your neck.
Relax, enjoy it.
I double majored in communications and comparative literature.
Of course you did.
Why are Betties always going on about how nerdy they really are? It's like, just fuckin' own it, you know? Like when rich people pretend they're not rich.
[Stella.]
Exactly.
Maybe it's because Betties get treated like they're stupid.
Well, then, don't be stupid.
Women.
And you don't consider yourself a member of that category? I do.
But only because my options are limited.
So I dive out the window.
I fall two floors.
I land splat on the awning.
Jump down, grab the delivery guy's bicycle and scram.
And that is how I became the most wanted arsonist in Winter Park, Florida.
Shit, that is intense.
Well, you know, life is intense.
Sometimes you need an escape route.
Well, I guess that's why we both love anime.
Right! Who doesn't need a break from reality? My prison reality.
Your suburban Connecticut reality.
Oh, last year I got into such a huge fight at the Expo.
Some dude's like, "If you got a horn on your head, you can't be Pegasus.
Pegasus isn't a unicorn.
" And I'm like, "In Sailor Moon he is, bitch!" That shit got crazy.
Oh, what a bitch! Yeah.
What's your favorite anime? Oh, it's very obscure, you probably haven't heard of it.
[chuckles.]
It's this animal-human hybrid thing.
It's by an artist named Dayanara Diaz.
It's really out there.
I'll have to check it out.
I like you, Lorna.
And I like you, too, Ron.
I'll be honest with you, the last girl I met in this prison pen pal thing turned out to be a little heavier.
And I don't go for that.
But you've got a normal BMI and a very symmetrical face.
Oh, stop.
[woman on PA.]
MCC appreciates your honest feedback.
We strive for excellence.
Thank you.
[scoffs.]
So now you're ignoring me, hmm? My son used to do this when he was five.
You tried to play me, Red.
You were insincere, and you capitalized on my sensitivities.
I want the kitchen back.
What other choice did I have? You could've asked me nicely.
Aw, and that would have worked? Possibly.
I'm a person.
We're people.
No one in here is people.
You think this is a normal relationship? Human to human? I take advantage, you get your feelings hurt.
You forget that when you leave here tonight, you lock me in behind you.
Hey, I don't make the rules.
You take a woman's power away.
Her work, her family, her currency.
You leave her with one coin the one she was born with.
It may be tawdry and demeaning, but if she has to, she will spend it.
[inhales.]
But you're right.
Your feelings count, too.
I mean, you couldn't give a guy a heads-up on this fiasco? I got COs up my ass like a lemon-juice enema.
Oh, like your mom never did it to you? Come on.
But I should have told you.
One of those things.
You know, you get the call from upstairs I probably found out five minutes before you did.
Yeah, well, it stinks.
Yeah, well, I 100% get why these guys are upset.
But, on the other hand, you know, keeping tabs on that many inmates takes a toll.
These guys, uh, they start making mistakes, you know.
Cutting hours gives these guys some down time.
They rest up, they come in fresh Yeah, to a job they no longer give two shits about 'cause you cut their benefits and they're making bubkes.
Good point, good point, you know, but [exhales.]
Between you and me, I'm not too happy about this whole thing, either.
I mean You obviously know more about Litchfield than anybody.
Who should be calling the shots? You or some fucking corporate bigwig? The ad says all you need to apply is a GED and no felonies.
I mean, they really think that's all it takes? Although, Luschek, am I right? [sighs.]
Yeah, I don't know how that happened.
I gotta tell you, Pearson, the last few years have been a rough ride.
I've been through the shit.
Can we get two more of these? [Pearson.]
I tell you what.
The applications have been coming to me, which is crazy.
You should be doing the hiring.
You know exactly what you need.
Who knows, maybe you'll find some hidden gems in there.
I guess you never know.
Yeah.
That's the spirit.
My neck is fuckin' killing me.
Hell yeah.
Sewing is no joke.
Uh Hey, what you got on your tray? Eggs and some kind of tomato sauce.
I did not see no eggs up there.
You see eggs? Mmm-mmm.
I did not see eggs.
It's kosher.
You gotta ask for it.
"Kosher"? Like some pickles, "kosher"? No, there's all these Jewish laws about food.
Kosher means they obeyed all the laws.
They make it special.
Well, you don't look Jewish to me.
I'm Lutheran.
From Norway.
But they're not allowed to ask you about that on account of the Holocaust, so I don't say shit.
Ugh.
Uh-uh.
This changes everything.
My back is in spasm and all of my fingers hurt.
Wait, have you been cheating on me? I have been touching many panties.
Which reminds me.
I brought you a souvenir.
Meet your new bunkie.
She's damaged in all the right ways and has big naturals.
I call her Lola.
You get everything about me.
Whoa! Hold up.
These bras cost $90? I know, right? And I get 45 cents to make them.
It's basically slave labor.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You do not get to say what's slavery, okay? - Mmm-mmm.
- I get to say what's slavery.
And PS, technically, - it's more like indentured servitude.
- Mmm-hmm.
[Black Cindy.]
Y'all don't know about that slave life.
We makin' a dollar an hour.
That's like 10 times what we got before.
But the other jobs are about prison upkeep.
The Whispers people are profiting from this.
- I'm okay with that.
- Mmm-hmm.
Me too.
Your oatmeal's getting cold.
Do you know anything about birds? What, like birds in general? [Lorna.]
Anything.
Well, owls eat whole mice and then throw up the bones.
- [Piper.]
Mmm-hmm.
- Big Bird is yellow, coq au vin is delicious, and you're being crazy right now.
Oh, everybody needs a hobby.
Morello, think about the kind of guys who write to women in prison.
I mean, if you want a boyfriend, you might wanna fish in a different pool.
No, no, no, no, no.
It is not about that.
It is a straight up moneymaking thing.
You get one of these bozos on the hook, and they are just throwing money in your commissary, throwing it in.
All right.
Well, if that's all it is.
But you don't have to do this.
I mean, Chapman's hauling in so much bank now, she's gonna buy us all a pony.
[people speaking Mandarin.]
[chuckles.]
[inmate.]
Uh-oh.
Not cool.
Throw it back.
[Maureen.]
What a dick.
[Fu chuckles.]
[speaking Mandarin.]
It's a dance, but you just walk backward.
And your feet don't ever leave the ground.
That's not a dance.
- Says who? - Says me.
Well, you're not in charge.
Is this why you bought those penny-loafers? [sighs.]
Where the fuck is this guy? - Fu.
- Hmm.
Does this stuff really work? Which stuff? The stuff.
For men.
I've been with you guys for months now and it's like half the business: The penis soup, the snake blood Maybe it's not whether it works, but whether you think it works.
But it's like nobody in China can get a boner.
That can't be true.
It's more about feeling powerful.
I have this American girlfriend.
Taller than I am, with yellow hair, she smokes these thin cigarettes.
Scares the shit out of me.
Men are dumb.
[vehicle approaching.]
Ah! Ni Kan.
Finally.
[speaking English.]
Hey, Park, I thought you died.
Just get your shit, man.
Big turtles.
Venezuela.
Okay.
[Fu sighs.]
[speaking Mandarin.]
Fu.
They're Ping-Pong balls.
Huh? Shenme? [grunting.]
[metal scraping.]
[gun cocks.]
[Fu coughs.]
[speaking Mandarin.]
Fucking Koreans.
You might have saved my life, Mei.
I owe you.
I know what I want.
[woman speaking indistinctly on PA.]
So my new applicant pool is basically the cast of fucking Animal House.
I'd cry for you, but I'm all out of Kleenex.
I gotta play the game, okay? Look at what they send me.
This guy's total work experience, seven months in a Radio Shack that he ended up leaving for "creative differences," which probably means he's got a Nazi tattoo.
Look, this guy, he answered, "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?" with, "It's complicated.
" Hey, you know who has a ton of work experience and a clean record and who wants a job here? Fucking me.
I even have a uniform and everything.
- Let's get through this, Maxwell.
- [sighs.]
I'm gonna show them that I'm a good pawn and that I'm willing to play ball.
And then in a few months, I tell them, "Look, we tried it your way.
Now, I need my guys full-time.
" I miss Fig.
Right.
Right.
Send one of these jokers back to my office.
Which one? Thrill me.
[Healy.]
Hey! Hey, boss man.
I got interviews, Healy.
With those yahoos in the lobby? Yikes.
I don't envy your job today.
I've never felt closer to you.
Hey, listen, I don't know what else these MCC goons got up their sleeve, but I want you to know I got full confidence in you.
I know you're doing the best that you can.
I can see that.
Thank you.
Us old-timers gotta stick together, okay? I got your back all the way.
I appreciate that.
Good luck, all right? Oh, hey, uh, do me a favor and sign this real quick for me.
You want Reznikov back in the kitchen? She was running a whole black market outta there.
Yeah, but that wasn't proven.
And we got all new vendors in the kitchen now.
And don't forget, we just lost Gonzales to the underwear people.
[sighs.]
I don't know.
I don't know, Healy.
I'll keep an eye on her.
She'll start off in the bottom, washing dishes, doing the onions.
We got a lot bigger problems, here, man.
[pen scribbles.]
Do not mistake my kindness for weakness, Counselor.
[pen clacks.]
I'll keep that in mind.
Side Boob! [sewing machines whirring.]
[Piper.]
Huh.
Uh, Mr.
Brand? You know, if you smush these patterns just a little bit closer together, you can actually get an extra Lacy Low-Rider Indiscretion bikini from the same piece of fabric.
Thanks for your advice, inmate.
It was really more of an observation.
Let's just assume that Whispers Inc.
knows how they want to make panties, okay? [Stella.]
See? Even C-minus-looking people can be stupid.
[chuckles.]
You closin' up? I got time for one more.
I need my neck shaved.
No one ever wants anything fun around here.
I'm guessing fun, to you, means a 2-foot poufy thing with a birdcage in it? And what would be so terrible about that? I mean, especially in a place like this.
We could use some some originality, some sass.
Mmm-mmm.
Not getting noticed is my main goal.
[sighs.]
Sass is what lands you in Seg.
[Sophia chuckles.]
I feel that.
[laughing.]
Really? 'Cause you doin' the opposite.
You got this whole thing going on, the hair, the makeup I mean, who has the energy to go full MAC counter every day? Listen, after all I went through to be me, I'm not about to let shit slide.
Yeah, but you all up in our face with it, like all blown out and shit.
Look, if you wanted to look like a real woman, you would let your roots grow out and get some bags under your eyes.
You know, historically, me and reality not friends.
Mmm.
You got me there.
This one time, I'm getting on the Metro-North to head home, and this mouth-breather, this mouth-breather comes right up behind me and smacks me on the ass.
- And I'm thinking - I'm sorry, could you go back a second to the part where you're on the Metro-North? What about it? - Where you live? - Yonkers.
Childhood home of Mary J.
Blige and Anthrax.
[chuckles.]
You know that my son, you know, Benny, he's in the Bronx.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
You think that maybe, um he could ride up here sometimes with your wife? You know, for visitation.
'Cause he could take the bus to their house.
I'll ask her.
[chuckles.]
I'm feeling sassier already.
- Mmm-hmm? - [chuckles.]
Glad you could come out for a real visit? Nice drive.
First time in prison's always weird.
You must feel like a starling.
A what now? A common starling.
You know, how they weren't native to America and then that guy Eugene brought them over, 'cause he wanted it to be like Shakespeare's time.
Right, sure.
I think I saw a hermit thrush, yesterday.
At least, I think it was a hermit thrush.
It was all by itself.
My uncle had a parakeet.
Knew how to swear in Italian, but he shit all over the house.
You're not that into birds, are you? Got nothing against them, but mostly I'm into Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
Like I wrote you.
Oh, sure, Jiu-Jitsu.
Everybody loves Jiu-Jitsu.
It's delicious.
You wanna tell me what's going on here? No, nothing, nothing.
Nothing's going on.
It was just a little misunderstanding You think I'm some bird guy? - No.
- What is this? Is this a scam? Trying to get money or something? No, no, no, no, no! It's not about money I'm supposed to believe that? You're the top contract killer in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.
Look the only person that cared about me, they took her away to Max.
And I'm so lonely.
[voice breaking.]
And I thought, if I wrote to enough people, then maybe I would find somebody and, oh [sobbing.]
I watched so much Discovery Channel.
[sniffles.]
[man sighs.]
Hold up, hey.
Hey.
I don't care how many other guys you wrote.
I'm just glad I get to meet you.
[sighs.]
"I'm glad you confronted me about your feelings, Gina-bo-bina.
I see now that the way I treated you was wrong.
" "Thank you, Mom.
I feel so much better about our relationship.
If you weren't dead, I'd hug you.
" "I think you forgot that anything is possible in your imagination.
" You hug.
You hug.
Oh.
[Rogers.]
Very nice, ladies.
And a big hand to Gina who shared a piece of her life with us.
[scattered applause.]
Dead is dead is gone forever.
You don't say that you can still give hugs.
It's irresponsible.
Because you can't.
You regularly talk to a mop.
[inmate.]
Burn! [Rogers.]
Okay.
Okay.
[Gina whispers.]
You did great.
Who's next? Come on Anyone? [man grunting.]
Ahh! Ahh! [coughing.]
[Fu speaking Mandarin.]
This is the fuckwad who rejected you? It's not like I'm looking at God's gift here.
Right? I remember you.
What do you want us to do with him? [imitating Chang.]
"Cut out his gall bladder!" "Please, no! I was dummy.
- I made big mistake.
- [chuckles.]
You are strong and beautiful, like a horse.
Please, forgive me.
" [laughing maniacally.]
"Too late for sorry, now.
[stutters.]
Kill him!" [Angie.]
"I must die now for being the worst person.
I accept your wisdom.
Girl power.
" [gurgling.]
[imitates blood spurting.]
- [laughing.]
- [inmates exclaiming.]
"And now I eat his " [sighs.]
Okay, I don't feel comfortable saying this.
It's disgusting.
Okay, okay.
We can stop here.
I did say to re-imagine old resentments, but I think you took this a little too far to be constructive.
I liked it.
[inmates murmuring.]
All fake.
Showbiz.
Yeah, see Hey, Big Talkin' Missy.
Out of the kitchen, into the sweatshop.
Turns out your mobility ain't so upwards, huh? Fuck off, Ruiz.
At least my hair doesn't smell like a deep fryer.
[chuckles.]
Uh-uh.
I'm gonna eat one of them kosher meals y'all got back there.
You ain't even Jewish.
You think you know my life? - Fine.
- [Black Cindy.]
Yeah.
Shabbat shalom, bitch.
How much longer you gonna stay mad? Man, do you know how hard it is to get a squirrel into a laundry bag? [laughs.]
No.
I took it a little too far, hooch jacking you.
But you was pissin' and settin' traps like Elmer Fudd.
Man, the shit was funny.
[laughs.]
But also, I was worried about you.
Well, you know, if I was worried about you, I'd have made you some goddamn soup or something.
Excellent point.
But you think you might want to cut down on the sauce, though? Like, just to make sure you can? - I ain't hurtin' nobody.
- Um [taps fork.]
Excuse me, Miss Poussey? This is your liver speakin' It just makes me feel better, okay? It makes me feel like I can get through this.
Come with me to AA.
- [scoffs.]
- Come on, man.
It'll be fun.
You ain't even a addict! You just make up crazy stories about shit that ain't even happened.
- So? - And then everybody gotta listen to you.
It's your personal open mic night.
Well, instead of poetry slam, it's like poetry slammer.
No.
[imitating Cinque.]
Come on, like, "Give us, us freestyle.
" Oh, you pullin' out the Amistad, now.
Damn.
[chuckles.]
[clears throat.]
I just feel like this place is beatin' me down.
I don't need no audience to talk at.
[chuckles.]
I need a girlfriend.
Like, a real one.
You know? Love.
[woman on PA.]
MCC is looking to train you for your job on the outside.
See human resources.
No! [breathing heavily.]
O'Neill, I hired a new guard.
First of many.
And I'm gonna need you guys to show him the ropes.
Help yourself.
Red velvet is shit.
[toilet flushes.]
You like Bo Derek.
Tarzan, 1981.
Please pretend that you didn't just see this.
I don't see nothing.
I just wanted to feel pretty.
Chang? I'm sorry about the other day.
Thank you, lesbian.
[speaking Mandarin.]
What do you want us to do with him? You will always be an ugly girl who no one wants.
Whether I live or die, nothing will change that.
He's right.
Nothing will change.
Mei! What should we do with him? Should we let him go? Nah.
Cut out his gall bladder.
[man yelling.]
No! - [knife plunges.]
- [man screaming.]
Ay, coño.
Hey! Cuidado.
I'm back.
[punk rock playing.]