Parenthood s01e11 Episode Script
Solace
Well, look, I know he was having some financial trouble.
You do? Yeah.
He went completely upside down on this real estate investment.
SARAH: What? There's a lot of lying been going on for a lot of years.
Not just about money.
There was a woman.
Hey, Sonny.
Hey.
Well, are you gonna let me in or what? I don't think that this whole thing is working.
I have to go.
We broke up.
I've been thinking about this whole thing with Haddie.
What I'm feeling now isn't what I was feeling with her.
Thanks.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God, Steve.
Get up.
Get up.
Put your clothes on.
Oh, my God.
I don't understand.
What's wrong? Get up.
If you tell anybody about this, I will kill you.
Do you understand? I will kill you.
What is wrong? What do you think is wrong? You're Haddie's boyfriend.
I'm not Haddie's boyfriend.
She dumped me.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
I'm her cousin.
I can't believe I did this.
Stop, it's okay.
No, it's not okay.
Can't we just talk about this? No, we cannot talk about it.
We can't talk about anything because there's no "we," okay? Last night, I know you felt it, too.
It doesn't matter.
I can't do this.
This was a mistake.
I can't I can't do this with you.
Amber.
Don't move your glass.
It's not my fault you Put that away for me.
See, you move your hand and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Mom! Yeah, out of the way.
Morning, Grandpa.
Excuse me.
Dad.
Morning, Dad.
Adam.
Coffee.
Do you want some food? - Did you sleep all right? There was this chirping in my head all night.
Oh, that.
Those were my crickets.
Really? Yep.
That's an interesting pet.
Did you just put the milk away? Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh, man.
What the heck is this stuff? It's hazelnut.
Hazelnut? Yeah, it's good.
Jeez.
ADAM: What? You don't like hazelnut? I can get you something else.
- No, it's all right.
So, where are you going? I'm going to go to the corner.
I'm going to get some coffee and some donuts.
Donuts? I want donuts! No.
No.
Max, you can't have donuts.
He gets to have donuts and I don't? Max.
- That's not fair.
Here, have some fruit.
Because I get donuts if he gets to have donuts.
Max, shut up.
We heard you say that.
We heard you.
Why does he get donuts? I don't get donuts! So, Grandma and Grandpa had a fight, you know, like people do.
It's not a big deal.
Well, like what kind of fight? I don't know, honey, but Grandpa's gonna stay with Uncle Adam for a couple days.
What happened? I don't understand.
I don't know.
Let's just be extra, super nice to Grandma, okay? Do you want a real done one or a not done one? I Just choose.
I don't care.
Here, take one of each.
Hi, honey, you're home early.
Yeah, well, you know, Kayla was snoring.
So, I couldn't sleep.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Listen, Grandma and Grandpa had a fight Okay, we'll talk later, okay? Hey, sweetie.
Hey, Mom, look.
I made pancakes.
Yeah, they're really good actually.
I can't.
I have painting class.
Oh.
But, you know what? You know how I've been talking about turning the attic into my art studio? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm finally going to do it.
Now? Yeah.
And there's a lot of junk up there.
Junk? Mom, all of our childhood stuff is up there.
Yeah, well, you're going to have to go through it and see what you want.
And ask your brothers and your sister if they'll go through it, too.
Anything that's important to them, they should take home, 'cause whatever's left I'm gonna, you know, either give away or burn.
Burn? Mom! My Dad is so far underwater on this thing.
Yeah, I was looking at those.
It's just It's quite a hole.
How are you doing with your parents? Oh, they'll be fine.
It's just, you know, the whole thing started because he went upside-down on a bad investment, which a lot of people do, I might add.
All I have to do is help him dig his way out, and he will patch things up with Mom in no time.
Babe, I looked at the value of the land and the buildings.
I don't know how you dig him out of that.
Well, that's actually what I need to talk to you about.
I was thinking of calling Timm.
Oh.
I know Timm's not your favorite person.
Not even close.
But he knows real estate.
Well, I know real estate, Julia, I was a contractor.
No, I know.
But, you know, he's a fund manager.
He has a ton of connections.
This is his job.
Right.
Timm.
Timmmmm.
Okay, so he has two M's in his name.
Let's keep it in perspective here.
I ammmm.
Joel.
The guy tried to steal you from me.
I mean, what do you want? It's for my dad.
Okay.
I'll do it for himmmm.
Shut up.
Not for Timmmmm.
Shut up.
Don't.
Relax.
It's not the Large Supercollider.
I don't think you realize this, but I had the perfect system.
Mmm? Every other weekend, I would drop my dirty clothes off at Mom and Dad's, then have tea with her, watch the game with him, and then magically, at the end of all that, my clothes would be folded and clean.
And how long did this go on for? Fourteen years.
But now that they're in this fight, I can't even stop by there 'cause it's too stressful.
Mmm.
So, perfect system.
That's a real tragedy.
Right? It's a bummer.
Okay, so, you know about separating the colors, right? Well, clearly, I don't know how to separate colors.
Oh, no, you Why are you trying to segregate my laundry? Don't freak out.
This book, this is good news, okay.
We just have to figure out how we can amp up production on the summer line as fast as we can.
All right? Look, this Look, the samples for the summer line have practically sold out at every store we've sent them to.
So, we can make up a lot of lost money here.
All right, well, just Look, get those guys on it, okay? You know what? I'm going to have to call you back, all right.
Bye.
You okay? Sorry, I just came to ask you a question.
And I didn't mean to Sarah, what's happening? What's going on? You want to know why Mom was so upset last night? Yeah.
I mean, it's because Dad didn't tell her about the investments, the bad investments he made.
Adam, Dad cheated on Mom.
And she made me promise not to tell, but I just can't handle it.
When did this happen? I don't know, sometime before we came back from Fresno.
I don't know.
It's over now.
But, you know, that's what happened.
And that's why they're so upset.
Okay.
But she made me promise not to tell.
And now you have to promise not to tell, okay? All right, I promise.
God, that son of a bitch.
That son of a bitch.
I mean, how could he do this to her? How? I don't know, the same reason any other guy does it to their wife.
You know, low self-esteem.
Yeah.
They take those little blue pills that make their things go.
Why can't they just be It's not genetic, okay, because I would never ever do that to you.
I didn't even think of that.
I know.
Okay, well, of course I would never.
I hope not.
No, I know that you wouldn't.
It makes me sick.
I just It makes me sick, honey.
This is awkward, too, because he's in our house right now.
Yeah, I know.
But I won't say anything.
I won't act weird around him.
Yeah, we can't, okay? I won't.
I'll pretend that everything's normal.
I can't have this confrontation with him right now.
Are you going to say something to Julia or Crosby or anybody? I don't know.
I don't think so.
Oh, my God.
No, I don't know.
It's crazy.
Oh, come on.
Hey, Amber.
Hi.
Can we talk about what happened? No.
Okay.
It sometimes gets stuck, and then you Stop.
You have to stop, okay? Please.
Seriously, leave me alone.
Stop.
So, I called Timm.
Master of the Universe, Timm? Timmber wolf? Ex-Timm? Timm-dog? Yeah, Timm.
And he and I are meeting for second-lunch.
What's a second-lunch? It's something you do when you don't wear shorts to work.
That's sociopathic.
Thank you.
Are you guys hearing this crap? Second-lunch, do you believe in this second-lunch? When Timm puts his real-estate acumen to work on this, we will not have a problem.
We will have a fix.
Mom and Dad will get back together.
And you're welcome.
And I won't have to do my laundry anymore.
All will be right in the world.
How is Mom? She's, uh, fine.
She's a little fragile.
She's all right.
Hmm.
How about Dad? I don't know.
He's himself.
You say it like you're not sure.
But you guys are still living together, yeah? Yeah.
Okay.
Anyway, listen, Mom wants everybody to come get their stuff out of the attic.
Okay? So if there's anything in there you want, take it.
Otherwise, she's going to throw it out.
That's what she said.
And what is that, a way of getting back at Dad? What would that have to do with Dad? What he did is unbelievable.
That's just what she wants us to do.
Whoa, did you guys both wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning? He shouldn't have lied, okay.
Okay.
You're right.
He was embarrassed, okay.
Half the country is underwater financially.
It's not like he did it on purpose.
I know.
I know.
When you say "everything," you don't mean the piano? What do you think, Crosby? Everything.
Everything.
Yeah, well I learned how to play on that piano, all right? It says, "W.
M.
Schaum & Sons" on the keys.
I mean, I spent a lot of time I need that piano.
When did you become so sentimental? I bet you haven't thought about that piano in 15 years.
I can tell you I'm thinking about it right now.
And I don't want you guys in there getting your hands on it before I Can I ask you how you're going to put a piano on a houseboat? What are you, the Zoning Commission? What do you care? That's the least of our worries.
All right, anyway.
What does that mean? Nothing.
Just come get your stuff.
Adam? What? I will solve Dad's financial problems, Adam.
I've got this.
I will.
I know you will.
Hey, Haddie.
Hey.
How was school? It was fine.
Hey, you want a virgin screwdriver? No, thanks.
Haddie, sweetheart, I know things are tough.
So, you hang in there, all right? Okay.
Yeah.
And good for you for resisting when that boy, you know, was trying to get you to have intercourse with him.
I'm so proud of you.
Yeah.
Thanks, Grandpa.
You're welcome.
Hey.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's the matter? What's wrong? What's wrong? Grandpa.
Honey, I'm sorry.
What happened? Nothing, okay? I'm just going to be alone, all right? Uh-uh.
You know what? You've been spending way too much time alone.
I'm starting to get worried a little bit.
Mom, it's fine.
No, it's not fine.
Haddie, why don't you have a Okay, don't gross out at the word, but a good old fashioned slumber party? You know, invite some girls over.
It'd be really fun.
We can make muddy-buddies.
No? Not fun? I don't know.
Are you being serious? Maybe I'll make hanky-pankies.
Mom.
We'll have fun.
We'll do the Ouija Board.
Mom! Stop.
We'll dance party.
What? No? I don't know.
Would you really do that? Yes.
I am.
I want you to do this.
I want to do this for you.
You're just You're so down.
Okay.
Okay? Thanks.
I'll get you some Meechies.
Mochi.
Mochi.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Oh, my God! It's my bunny, my cotton ball bunny.
Do you think Mom would torch that? She would, right? She'd torch it in a second.
What are you doing? I mean, how the hell did they get this thing in here? Uh, I don't know.
I mean, did they assemble it in here? I don't know.
How would you get it out? I don't know.
Put it through the window with a real strong rope? The whole point of having parents is to keep your crap in their attic.
Mom wants this space, Crosby.
I think we should be respectful of that.
You don't think that this is about something else and not really about the space? Why are you being so sentimental about this anyway? You've not even been up here in 10 years.
I'm not feeling sentimental.
I'm feeling pragmatic.
I'm pragmatically preserving this important piece of our family's history.
And you know Mom! No, no, no, no Mom! Hey, Cros, no! Mom! Mom! Mom? Hey! Mom, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to rethink this art studio idea.
Why don't you paint in the backyard, in the great outdoors? That's what Matisse did, and every You know, all the greats.
Yeah? I'm not positive about Matisse, but I think I do know that some artists did.
But, listen, I can't make a decision about the stuff in the attic.
It's too hard.
Well, I know it's painful, goose, but you kids are at the point where you have your own homes.
Well Or are working toward having your own homes.
And I can't make these decisions for you.
You're going to have to decide for yourself what's important to you.
Well, it's all important.
Change is healthy.
No, it's not.
That's an urban legend.
Sometimes you just have to make a choice.
There're no good snacks in this house.
What was that supposed to mean? "Sometimes you just have to make a choice.
" Do you think she's talking about Dad and her? I don't know.
Well, how serious is this? What am I, a mind reader? I don't know.
Well, you're supposed to You're on-site, okay? You're our eyes and ears to the situation.
You know, well, I reject this, entirely.
That'll help.
I do, for real.
They're gonna work it out like they always do, end of story.
Totally.
I hope so.
I don't understand how you had lunch with the guy to talk about your father's investment and never talked about it.
It's just like I said, it got cut short for the conference call he had with Tokyo.
Okay, so there's now going to be another lunch? I'm sorry.
I know, I'm really I'm sorry.
Tokyo.
What a jerk.
He's a jerk because he has a conference call with someone in Tokyo? Hey, I'm allowed to not like people.
Just like you never liked Stacy.
Well, she's not likable.
She is likable.
She had that weird That thing.
That tall-girl way of walking around.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
So arrogant.
All right, well, we'll have him over for dinner.
No, no, no, no, no.
What? No, no, no.
I'll behave as long as he does.
You would do that? Your dad needs help.
And he's been so kind to me over the years, what with the eunuch jokes.
I figure, it's the least I could do.
So, you'd do this for me? Yes.
Yes? Yes.
Aw.
If only he knew how much of a eunuch you're not.
Mmm-hmm.
Let's tell him.
Oh, let's keep it our little secret.
Okay, that's a good idea.
Hey, just because people don't normally put pianos on houseboats, doesn't mean it's not a good idea.
All right, I'm an innovator.
Hold that.
I'm like the first guy to bring a microwave on a houseboat.
They probably said, "That guy was crazy.
" Right, but a microwave weighs ten pounds.
And a piano weighs six million.
Six million? I find that hard to believe.
I think it's 600, which is well within the carrying capacity of this vessel.
Besides, if there's too much weight, I'll just start hanging out with tinier people like you.
Like little miniature.
Tiny, little, curly-haired, miniature people.
Why don't you store it at Adam's? Yeah, I can't really do that to him.
He's already storing my dad.
Well, if you're not willing to give it up, then there's only one other option.
Which is? "You're gonna need a bigger boat, mate.
" Was that from Jaws? You did Quint.
And it's Ray Scheider's line, I think.
Actually it's Roy Scheider's line, but Right, Roy Scheider's line.
Right.
What I do know is that dinner is ready.
Ah, yes! So why don't you come sit down.
Sit down, huh? Let's do it.
All right.
Good.
Hot, hot, hot, hot.
Wow.
This is really nice.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
It is nice, huh? Really nice.
Not too much cheese.
Okay.
Yeah, it is.
Really nice.
You got four guys out there, pass the ball.
There you go.
He's open.
What the hell is going on here? Oh, come on! Wait a minute! What the hell? Hey, Adam! Sit down, Grandpa.
Adam! Adam! Come here a minute! Your TV's all screwed up! The cartoon thing came on.
Hey, hey, calm down.
I had the game on, and the cartoons show up! It's SpongeBob.
It's okay.
Oh, okay, relax.
SpongeBob? Let's talk about it in the other room, okay? We'll explain it to you in here.
I'll explain it to you.
Come on.
Dad.
All right, look.
SpongeBob! Dad, I know you want to watch your game, but we have to limit Max's TV time.
Yes, and it has to be predictable for him.
It has to be.
Okay? So, the thing is set to switch to SpongeBob exactly at 7:00.
It stays on for the length of the show, then it turns itself off.
It's locked in.
All right, and ever since we set up the DVR like this, we haven't had a single fight about the TV.
Not one.
Not one problem.
All right? It's good.
It's good for Max.
Well, so, There are no exceptions? I mean, even for overtimes or something? Hey, if you don't like it here Hey.
Is it You want to play it that way? Yeah.
Is that how Okay, fine then.
I'll just listen to my game on the radio that I have upstairs and me and the crickets, those other insects that are up there.
I'm going to kill him.
I'm going to kill him first.
I'm going to kill him.
I'm going to kill him.
Hi.
Hey.
So, my mom had this idea and it's stupid, but could also be really fun.
We're having a slumber party.
Oh.
It could be fun.
It's me, Tisha, Kayla, Grace, and I really want you to come.
It's tonight? Yeah.
I have an algebra test.
No way.
You have to be there.
Seriously, when you make fun of Steve, it makes me feel so much better.
Please? Okay.
Yeah.
Of course.
I'll totally be there.
Great.
I'll see you.
You know, I'm not sure that I'm in the market to move in, you know, any time soon.
I just saw the "Open House" sign, and All right, well, great.
So, it's two bedrooms, one bath.
Okay.
Do you think a piano would fit through that door? Upright or grand? Well, it's not Elton John's piano.
It's mine.
Upright.
My guess is it would, yeah.
It would? I think so.
Okay.
And how about the schools? Are they any good here? Very.
Yeah.
Best test scores in the East Bay, actually.
Do you have a family? Yeah.
You know, it's complicated.
But I did recently acquire a son.
Oh.
He's really cute.
You want to see some pictures? Sure.
Yeah.
Okay, that's him.
And then that's his mom.
Oh, nice family.
Yeah, they are, huh? Yeah.
So, is it just the three of you or Yeah.
Probably, but the piano's a definite, though.
So, you know, the rest is kind of a work in progress.
Okay.
Well, through here we've got a full dining room, really cozy, a lot of natural sunlight.
And, in here, full kitchen, dishwasher, garbage disposal Oh, wow.
And, over here, washer-dryer.
Ooh, you know what, I know how to operate these.
See, Max, lookie here.
You could have one of these, you know.
Call him Skipper.
He looks like a Skipper, doesn't he? I think I like this tortoise.
What? Oh, jeez, I don't know.
He doesn't He's not very good looking.
I mean All they do is move their head in and out.
You might as well get a green rock.
I like him.
He's thinking.
Do you like the name Miles? Miles? Yeah, Miles.
Can you help me remember exactly when and why this pet promise was made? Last Tuesday, his progress report.
No tantrums.
So, we promised him that we'd get him a pet.
Right.
Right, right, right.
Great.
Max wants a turtle.
Tortoise.
His name is Miles.
Excellent choice.
Excellent choice.
He's cute.
Low-maintenance choice.
Huh? Nothing.
Don't say anything.
Nothing.
We like the tortoise.
He's cute.
- Hey, Mom? - Yeah? Do you want to order something like pizza? I just saw somebody eating it on TV.
It looked so good.
Okay, that's going to be a little formal for pizza.
Yes, I'm going out tonight.
Didn't I tell you? Oh, no, really? You look great.
Where are you going? Really? You think? For an art show opening? My whole painting class is going.
Oh.
Okay.
I can't remember the last time I got all dressed up to go out.
Oh, me neither.
Hey, can I come? Seriously? Yeah.
I'd love to come.
I love art.
Girls' night out.
Sure, of course.
Go get dressed.
Oh, no, I am dressed.
No, really dressed.
Oh.
A Porsche.
I love you.
He's 45 minutes late.
I love you so much.
Yes, you do.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
You want me to Yeah, you get it.
I'II Okay.
Hey.
There he is.
Worst dinner guest ever, right? No, of course not.
Come in.
Forty minutes late.
I'm so sorry.
Good to see you.
Don't worry about it.
Joel.
Hey.
Good to see you, man.
You look great.
Those arms, the hair, the guy's like a rock star.
Boy, okay.
Thanks, I guess.
Thing is, they say it's going to be a 10-minute phone call.
You know, just dotting the I's, crossing the T's.
And suddenly they want to reopen all the deal points we've spent the last six months grinding them on.
Oh, that's the worst.
Yeah, that sucks.
Bet you're glad you don't have to deal with crap like that, huh, Joel? Whew.
Stay-at-home dad.
Yup.
Oh, man, what do I have to do to get that job? Seriously though, it's honorable what you do.
Yup.
Oh, it's a little something I picked up in Tuscany Oh, my gosh In a vineyard last month.
Yeah.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
Is this the whole place or This is it.
Well, you know, there's the second floor, but Should we have some wine? Wine would be awesome.
Your call.
Absolutely.
Let's start with our poor wine and then we'll move on to this Tuscany.
Yeah, we'll save this for a special occasion.
Dad.
Hey, sweetheart.
Hi.
Boy, you look nice.
Thanks.
You scared me.
What're you doing? Oh, yeah, just getting some clothes.
How's your mom? You know, fine.
She's keeping busy.
You would not believe what I am going through at your brother's house.
You know that eight-year-old kid runs the joint.
And the girl's virginity is hanging by a thread.
Adam can't even watch a basketball game with me and Boy, you look beautiful.
So, what are you girls off to, the cotillion? No, well, we're going to an art gallery opening.
Oh.
My whole class is going.
Oh.
Millie, can I We'd better get going.
Sarah? Dad.
Yeah.
Okay, I'm coming.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
See you later, Dad.
Have a good time.
That's Ingrid, in the kimono.
She's all about daffodils.
She sneaks them into all her paintings.
Oh.
And that's Harvey, there with the bushy hair and the orthopedic shoes.
He's obsessed with African masks.
That's all he paints.
Oh.
That's Matthew.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
That's your teacher? He's amazing.
A true artist just entered the room.
He always does that.
You look absolutely stunning.
Really? I do? Thank you.
Is this Sarah? Hi.
Glad to meet you.
Do you know how talented your mother is? Yeah.
He's saying that because you're here.
No, really.
Can I steal your mother away for a bit? Oh, he's going to steal me away.
Okay.
Well, steal, steal, steal.
So, the plan is to bundle your dad's holdings with a bunch of higher-end properties.
Mmm-hmm.
Bundling is when we package a less attractive investment with some blue-chips, so as to I understand what bundling is.
Oh.
Uh.
Then we call the Keppler Group.
They'II They're wired up to a big pile of China money.
Keppler buys the bundle, which buys out your dad, and he comes away with maybe that's a hell of a lot better than zero cents, right? And the Keppler guys, why are they into it? They owe me a favor for keeping their name out of the papers during the whole TARP mess.
TARP stands for Troubled Asset Relief Program.
Mmm-mmm.
Excuse me, this one I gotta take, this one.
Deano, what's going on, brother? What happened? Uh-huh.
You're my hero.
Unbelievable.
Excuse me? Oh, I'm sorry.
Not you.
It's I mean, I get it.
You know, you're hurt, you want revenge.
But that This Who? Who are we talking about? It's my mother.
The little lady with the necklaces is my mother.
And the guy she's talking to is her art teacher.
Oh, they make a cute couple.
They're not a couple.
That woman is a grandmother.
Look at her flirting and giggling.
It's like she's in the Sex in the City movie.
Oh, I'm so looking forward to seeing that sequel.
Well, so am I.
I'm not dead inside.
But the fact is that guy's a home wrecker.
I am going to go and look at some art.
Sorry.
Take it.
Okay, I did.
Oh, no.
I don't like it.
We'll put a cat on it.
But it'll look better if you just Since when do you like Death Cab? Who burned this? Oh, nobody.
I just have to return that to somebody.
To who? To Steve? Let me see that.
Tisha! It was an accident! I say, yay.
Steve is a douche.
He is.
The Decemberists.
Is this one his, too? No.
It's not.
I love them.
Do it.
Do it.
Oh, I don't know.
- Yeah, yeah.
He was a total jerk to you.
GRACE: Break it.
He totally deserves it.
Do you think I should, Amber? Whatever you want.
- Come on, do it.
- Do it.
- Do it.
I don't just Oh, my God.
- Yeah! - Everybody take one! This feels so good.
Come on, Amber.
Yeah.
Break it.
Yeah.
Break it.
Miles is missing! What? I went to say goodnight to him, and he wasn't He ran away! Did you check eight inches away from where you left him? What are we going to do? Okay, he's not in his room.
I don't know where the heck this thing is.
It's disappeared.
All right, listen to me.
Everything's going to be okay.
You go look around the house with Mom.
Grandpa and I will look outside, okay.
We'll get Haddie and her friends to help.
Okay.
See, Son.
This is where a dog would come in handy.
Right, you go, "Here, Skipper.
Here, boy!" And your dog comes.
You do that to a turtle, nothing.
I'm going to get us some flashlights.
De Kooning gets a royalty every time someone looks at that.
It's an art joke I actually get.
It's funny.
We're gonna go.
You're gonna A friend of mine has a gallery in Oakland.
And they're also having an opening tonight.
Oh.
But it's a few notches down on the pretentious meter.
Okay.
Well, where is it? I'll join you.
Oh, no, no.
Not necessary.
But, Mom, how are you going to get home? Do you want me to come get you later? Well, Matthew will give me a ride home.
Yeah.
No problem.
Sure.
You'll give me a ride home, right? Oh, good.
Okay.
Well, have fun.
Yes.
Bye, darling.
Okay.
Bye, Sarah.
Bye-bye.
Oh, we could be out here all night looking for the turtle.
Wait a second, I think I got him.
Boy, if that's him, I'm going to enter him in a marathon.
Hey, look, Adam, why don't you and me go to the pet store.
We'll get a Golden Retriever, and he can find the turtle? Stop with the damn dog.
Well, I mean, you really ought to get Max a real pet, Adam.
Oh, my God! Would you shut up? What, do you think I don't know why you're here? What do you mean? I know that you cheated on Mom.
What? You heard me.
Who told you that? Does it matter? That's none of your damn business, Son.
Well, how could you do that to her? We did it to each other, Adam.
It takes two to tango.
Well, that's a load of crap, you son of a bitch.
Oh, no.
It's not that simple, Son.
Really? Really? You're going to blame Mom for screwing around with some other woman? Let me tell you something.
When you've been married 46 years, you come and talk to me.
Until then, you just back the hell off.
Oh, my gosh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
He's worse than I remembered.
Way worse.
I know.
He's a means to an end.
I don't think so.
We're done with that guy.
What are you talking about? I don't trust him.
Joel, don't let baggage from a million years ago become a factor in what's happening right now.
Julia, this isn't about baggage.
This is about him bundling money, like all the crooks who got this country into the whole mess it's in.
It's just Look, Timm is not a criminal.
We can find somebody better Who? to help your dad.
Somebody who's not such a scumbag.
Yeah? For starters, me.
I can drive out, take a look at the property, evaluate it.
Maybe there's some way I can do some work on it, bring the value up.
Joel, we're not putting anything more into this.
It's throwing good money after bad.
You don't have a say in this.
You've got to be kidding me.
You know I've been over the numbers.
And I've been over them.
And the hole is huge.
And there's no one who will do us this kind of massive favor that Timm's talking about doing.
The crisis is huge.
My parents' marriage is in the balance.
I don't know what else to say.
Okay.
Max kind of looks like a turtle.
I can see that.
Or like, I mean a tortoise.
I don't know.
I don't know which one it is.
Yeah, I don't really know the difference.
Yeah.
Same snappy, little face.
I know.
Which is like Max's face, you know? Like every day Haddie.
Can I talk to you for one second? Yeah.
About Steve.
Oh, my God.
I know.
I saw you guys talking in the cafeteria.
He probably Did he say something weird? Because he makes jokes.
And like No, it's not that.
Haddie, it's not that.
What? What? No, I just This is hard.
What? I slept with him.
Ha ha.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know what happened.
I don't know what happened.
It was an accident.
I messed up.
I I was drinking and he was being nice and I just Something is wrong with me.
I'm sorry.
I wish I could take it back.
It was an accident.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Please try to understand Can you just Can you stop talking? I don't know what happened.
Please.
Please don't be mad at me.
Please don't be mad at me.
I'm so sorry.
Please.
Oh, God.
Max, Max, we are going to find Miles.
No, we're not! I promise.
You can't promise, because you don't know where he is! You're right.
You're right.
I can't.
Look, Max, a tortoise is never really lost, because a tortoise carries its house on its back, right? Hey, Max.
Hey, Max.
Hey, Max.
Max.
Max, you're going to be all right.
Okay? All right? Okay.
You waited up.
Revenge, huh, for all those nights I made you wait up? Yeah, right.
There aren't enough nights in the year.
Mom? What? How was it? Oh, it was fun.
I had a really good time.
What'd you do? Well, we went to the The other art show.
You would not believe how bad the art was.
It was like someone threw up all over the canvas.
We got out of there in about five minutes.
And we went to a bar.
It was a pub, Irish pub.
We had Irish coffee.
And, it was nice.
There was a band there that wasn't so great.
So, we left there and we went back to Matthew's place.
And he made us a fire.
And served us some port.
And we talked and And And? Oh, Mom.
Go slow.
I'm losing it.
No, no, no.
Braverman, come on, dig deep.
No, I can't.
All right, easy, easy.
Oh, God! Oh, God! I'm losing it! Come on, dig deep.
Hold it.
Oh, God! Wait, wait, wait! Oh! You know what? That's not funny.
This is a priceless instrument.
Hey, hey, nephew of mine.
Don't encourage him.
All right, sorry.
Sorry.
Hey, I'm not the one making his nephew carry a piano down the stairs.
Exactly.
Exactly.
- All right.
Hold on.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Do you need me to get it? Yeah, will you just grab this? This is Okay.
All right.
I got it.
Okay, holding it.
You got it? Thanks.
Just got to do this.
Oh! Oh, Don Rickles is here.
It's the first time you've ever made a joke, and you decide to do it when I'm holding a piano.
Well, pretty good.
You know what? What? I'm never asking you guys to help me move anything ever again.
You promise? I'll show you promise.
Now, come on, let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go! Keep the momentum! Go, go, go, go, go! Come on.
I like this picture, Mommy.
You look like a princess.
Oh, yeah, that's prom.
Is that Daddy? No, sweetie.
Look at it.
That's my friend Timm.
Timmmmm.
Come on back.
Come on back.
So, where's Haddie? Adam, that's it.
You got that right angle? Come on back some more.
Come on back.
Up, up, up, up.
I actually got that end.
I actually did something.
Excellent.
And you said it couldn't be done.
Okay, to thank you for your not-so-heroic efforts, I present to you, Solace, A Mexican Serenade.
No! - Yes.
No! Play something else! What is wrong with that one? That's the song he played for his sixth grade recital.
We've heard it ten thousand times.
Ten million.
It's gonna bring me back in time to a very unattractive hairdo.
It keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? Oh, it sounds good.
It's not as awful as I expected.
Can you dance to this one? Some songs never get old, right? Except that one.
Except for this one.
That's right.
I like it.
Oh, please, all right.
Go on, Joel.
May I? Yeah, give Jasmine a whirl.
Here we go.
Yes.
I'll let you lead.
Joel.
Joel, let's keep a little distance.
Okay.
I'll do I just want to Do I get a dip? Yeah.
Right now? You know who's a good dancer? Aunt Sarah.
She hates to do it, but once she gets started, boy, there's nothing stopping her.
Wow, look who's the hero.
Where'd you find him? He was in my shoe.
They don't have a very good sense of smell.
Well, Max is going to be thrilled.
Why don't you go give it to him? Oh, no.
Here, you give it to him.
All right.
Here, buddy.
You know something, Sonny.
You're 10 times the father I ever was.
That's not true.
Yes it is.
Five times maybe.
Miles! Miles! Miles! Grandpa found him.
I think your mom's going to forgive me.
I wouldn't.
But then again, I haven't been married for 46 years.
You do? Yeah.
He went completely upside down on this real estate investment.
SARAH: What? There's a lot of lying been going on for a lot of years.
Not just about money.
There was a woman.
Hey, Sonny.
Hey.
Well, are you gonna let me in or what? I don't think that this whole thing is working.
I have to go.
We broke up.
I've been thinking about this whole thing with Haddie.
What I'm feeling now isn't what I was feeling with her.
Thanks.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God, Steve.
Get up.
Get up.
Put your clothes on.
Oh, my God.
I don't understand.
What's wrong? Get up.
If you tell anybody about this, I will kill you.
Do you understand? I will kill you.
What is wrong? What do you think is wrong? You're Haddie's boyfriend.
I'm not Haddie's boyfriend.
She dumped me.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
I'm her cousin.
I can't believe I did this.
Stop, it's okay.
No, it's not okay.
Can't we just talk about this? No, we cannot talk about it.
We can't talk about anything because there's no "we," okay? Last night, I know you felt it, too.
It doesn't matter.
I can't do this.
This was a mistake.
I can't I can't do this with you.
Amber.
Don't move your glass.
It's not my fault you Put that away for me.
See, you move your hand and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Mom! Yeah, out of the way.
Morning, Grandpa.
Excuse me.
Dad.
Morning, Dad.
Adam.
Coffee.
Do you want some food? - Did you sleep all right? There was this chirping in my head all night.
Oh, that.
Those were my crickets.
Really? Yep.
That's an interesting pet.
Did you just put the milk away? Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh, man.
What the heck is this stuff? It's hazelnut.
Hazelnut? Yeah, it's good.
Jeez.
ADAM: What? You don't like hazelnut? I can get you something else.
- No, it's all right.
So, where are you going? I'm going to go to the corner.
I'm going to get some coffee and some donuts.
Donuts? I want donuts! No.
No.
Max, you can't have donuts.
He gets to have donuts and I don't? Max.
- That's not fair.
Here, have some fruit.
Because I get donuts if he gets to have donuts.
Max, shut up.
We heard you say that.
We heard you.
Why does he get donuts? I don't get donuts! So, Grandma and Grandpa had a fight, you know, like people do.
It's not a big deal.
Well, like what kind of fight? I don't know, honey, but Grandpa's gonna stay with Uncle Adam for a couple days.
What happened? I don't understand.
I don't know.
Let's just be extra, super nice to Grandma, okay? Do you want a real done one or a not done one? I Just choose.
I don't care.
Here, take one of each.
Hi, honey, you're home early.
Yeah, well, you know, Kayla was snoring.
So, I couldn't sleep.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Listen, Grandma and Grandpa had a fight Okay, we'll talk later, okay? Hey, sweetie.
Hey, Mom, look.
I made pancakes.
Yeah, they're really good actually.
I can't.
I have painting class.
Oh.
But, you know what? You know how I've been talking about turning the attic into my art studio? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm finally going to do it.
Now? Yeah.
And there's a lot of junk up there.
Junk? Mom, all of our childhood stuff is up there.
Yeah, well, you're going to have to go through it and see what you want.
And ask your brothers and your sister if they'll go through it, too.
Anything that's important to them, they should take home, 'cause whatever's left I'm gonna, you know, either give away or burn.
Burn? Mom! My Dad is so far underwater on this thing.
Yeah, I was looking at those.
It's just It's quite a hole.
How are you doing with your parents? Oh, they'll be fine.
It's just, you know, the whole thing started because he went upside-down on a bad investment, which a lot of people do, I might add.
All I have to do is help him dig his way out, and he will patch things up with Mom in no time.
Babe, I looked at the value of the land and the buildings.
I don't know how you dig him out of that.
Well, that's actually what I need to talk to you about.
I was thinking of calling Timm.
Oh.
I know Timm's not your favorite person.
Not even close.
But he knows real estate.
Well, I know real estate, Julia, I was a contractor.
No, I know.
But, you know, he's a fund manager.
He has a ton of connections.
This is his job.
Right.
Timm.
Timmmmm.
Okay, so he has two M's in his name.
Let's keep it in perspective here.
I ammmm.
Joel.
The guy tried to steal you from me.
I mean, what do you want? It's for my dad.
Okay.
I'll do it for himmmm.
Shut up.
Not for Timmmmm.
Shut up.
Don't.
Relax.
It's not the Large Supercollider.
I don't think you realize this, but I had the perfect system.
Mmm? Every other weekend, I would drop my dirty clothes off at Mom and Dad's, then have tea with her, watch the game with him, and then magically, at the end of all that, my clothes would be folded and clean.
And how long did this go on for? Fourteen years.
But now that they're in this fight, I can't even stop by there 'cause it's too stressful.
Mmm.
So, perfect system.
That's a real tragedy.
Right? It's a bummer.
Okay, so, you know about separating the colors, right? Well, clearly, I don't know how to separate colors.
Oh, no, you Why are you trying to segregate my laundry? Don't freak out.
This book, this is good news, okay.
We just have to figure out how we can amp up production on the summer line as fast as we can.
All right? Look, this Look, the samples for the summer line have practically sold out at every store we've sent them to.
So, we can make up a lot of lost money here.
All right, well, just Look, get those guys on it, okay? You know what? I'm going to have to call you back, all right.
Bye.
You okay? Sorry, I just came to ask you a question.
And I didn't mean to Sarah, what's happening? What's going on? You want to know why Mom was so upset last night? Yeah.
I mean, it's because Dad didn't tell her about the investments, the bad investments he made.
Adam, Dad cheated on Mom.
And she made me promise not to tell, but I just can't handle it.
When did this happen? I don't know, sometime before we came back from Fresno.
I don't know.
It's over now.
But, you know, that's what happened.
And that's why they're so upset.
Okay.
But she made me promise not to tell.
And now you have to promise not to tell, okay? All right, I promise.
God, that son of a bitch.
That son of a bitch.
I mean, how could he do this to her? How? I don't know, the same reason any other guy does it to their wife.
You know, low self-esteem.
Yeah.
They take those little blue pills that make their things go.
Why can't they just be It's not genetic, okay, because I would never ever do that to you.
I didn't even think of that.
I know.
Okay, well, of course I would never.
I hope not.
No, I know that you wouldn't.
It makes me sick.
I just It makes me sick, honey.
This is awkward, too, because he's in our house right now.
Yeah, I know.
But I won't say anything.
I won't act weird around him.
Yeah, we can't, okay? I won't.
I'll pretend that everything's normal.
I can't have this confrontation with him right now.
Are you going to say something to Julia or Crosby or anybody? I don't know.
I don't think so.
Oh, my God.
No, I don't know.
It's crazy.
Oh, come on.
Hey, Amber.
Hi.
Can we talk about what happened? No.
Okay.
It sometimes gets stuck, and then you Stop.
You have to stop, okay? Please.
Seriously, leave me alone.
Stop.
So, I called Timm.
Master of the Universe, Timm? Timmber wolf? Ex-Timm? Timm-dog? Yeah, Timm.
And he and I are meeting for second-lunch.
What's a second-lunch? It's something you do when you don't wear shorts to work.
That's sociopathic.
Thank you.
Are you guys hearing this crap? Second-lunch, do you believe in this second-lunch? When Timm puts his real-estate acumen to work on this, we will not have a problem.
We will have a fix.
Mom and Dad will get back together.
And you're welcome.
And I won't have to do my laundry anymore.
All will be right in the world.
How is Mom? She's, uh, fine.
She's a little fragile.
She's all right.
Hmm.
How about Dad? I don't know.
He's himself.
You say it like you're not sure.
But you guys are still living together, yeah? Yeah.
Okay.
Anyway, listen, Mom wants everybody to come get their stuff out of the attic.
Okay? So if there's anything in there you want, take it.
Otherwise, she's going to throw it out.
That's what she said.
And what is that, a way of getting back at Dad? What would that have to do with Dad? What he did is unbelievable.
That's just what she wants us to do.
Whoa, did you guys both wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning? He shouldn't have lied, okay.
Okay.
You're right.
He was embarrassed, okay.
Half the country is underwater financially.
It's not like he did it on purpose.
I know.
I know.
When you say "everything," you don't mean the piano? What do you think, Crosby? Everything.
Everything.
Yeah, well I learned how to play on that piano, all right? It says, "W.
M.
Schaum & Sons" on the keys.
I mean, I spent a lot of time I need that piano.
When did you become so sentimental? I bet you haven't thought about that piano in 15 years.
I can tell you I'm thinking about it right now.
And I don't want you guys in there getting your hands on it before I Can I ask you how you're going to put a piano on a houseboat? What are you, the Zoning Commission? What do you care? That's the least of our worries.
All right, anyway.
What does that mean? Nothing.
Just come get your stuff.
Adam? What? I will solve Dad's financial problems, Adam.
I've got this.
I will.
I know you will.
Hey, Haddie.
Hey.
How was school? It was fine.
Hey, you want a virgin screwdriver? No, thanks.
Haddie, sweetheart, I know things are tough.
So, you hang in there, all right? Okay.
Yeah.
And good for you for resisting when that boy, you know, was trying to get you to have intercourse with him.
I'm so proud of you.
Yeah.
Thanks, Grandpa.
You're welcome.
Hey.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's the matter? What's wrong? What's wrong? Grandpa.
Honey, I'm sorry.
What happened? Nothing, okay? I'm just going to be alone, all right? Uh-uh.
You know what? You've been spending way too much time alone.
I'm starting to get worried a little bit.
Mom, it's fine.
No, it's not fine.
Haddie, why don't you have a Okay, don't gross out at the word, but a good old fashioned slumber party? You know, invite some girls over.
It'd be really fun.
We can make muddy-buddies.
No? Not fun? I don't know.
Are you being serious? Maybe I'll make hanky-pankies.
Mom.
We'll have fun.
We'll do the Ouija Board.
Mom! Stop.
We'll dance party.
What? No? I don't know.
Would you really do that? Yes.
I am.
I want you to do this.
I want to do this for you.
You're just You're so down.
Okay.
Okay? Thanks.
I'll get you some Meechies.
Mochi.
Mochi.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Oh, my God! It's my bunny, my cotton ball bunny.
Do you think Mom would torch that? She would, right? She'd torch it in a second.
What are you doing? I mean, how the hell did they get this thing in here? Uh, I don't know.
I mean, did they assemble it in here? I don't know.
How would you get it out? I don't know.
Put it through the window with a real strong rope? The whole point of having parents is to keep your crap in their attic.
Mom wants this space, Crosby.
I think we should be respectful of that.
You don't think that this is about something else and not really about the space? Why are you being so sentimental about this anyway? You've not even been up here in 10 years.
I'm not feeling sentimental.
I'm feeling pragmatic.
I'm pragmatically preserving this important piece of our family's history.
And you know Mom! No, no, no, no Mom! Hey, Cros, no! Mom! Mom! Mom? Hey! Mom, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to rethink this art studio idea.
Why don't you paint in the backyard, in the great outdoors? That's what Matisse did, and every You know, all the greats.
Yeah? I'm not positive about Matisse, but I think I do know that some artists did.
But, listen, I can't make a decision about the stuff in the attic.
It's too hard.
Well, I know it's painful, goose, but you kids are at the point where you have your own homes.
Well Or are working toward having your own homes.
And I can't make these decisions for you.
You're going to have to decide for yourself what's important to you.
Well, it's all important.
Change is healthy.
No, it's not.
That's an urban legend.
Sometimes you just have to make a choice.
There're no good snacks in this house.
What was that supposed to mean? "Sometimes you just have to make a choice.
" Do you think she's talking about Dad and her? I don't know.
Well, how serious is this? What am I, a mind reader? I don't know.
Well, you're supposed to You're on-site, okay? You're our eyes and ears to the situation.
You know, well, I reject this, entirely.
That'll help.
I do, for real.
They're gonna work it out like they always do, end of story.
Totally.
I hope so.
I don't understand how you had lunch with the guy to talk about your father's investment and never talked about it.
It's just like I said, it got cut short for the conference call he had with Tokyo.
Okay, so there's now going to be another lunch? I'm sorry.
I know, I'm really I'm sorry.
Tokyo.
What a jerk.
He's a jerk because he has a conference call with someone in Tokyo? Hey, I'm allowed to not like people.
Just like you never liked Stacy.
Well, she's not likable.
She is likable.
She had that weird That thing.
That tall-girl way of walking around.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
So arrogant.
All right, well, we'll have him over for dinner.
No, no, no, no, no.
What? No, no, no.
I'll behave as long as he does.
You would do that? Your dad needs help.
And he's been so kind to me over the years, what with the eunuch jokes.
I figure, it's the least I could do.
So, you'd do this for me? Yes.
Yes? Yes.
Aw.
If only he knew how much of a eunuch you're not.
Mmm-hmm.
Let's tell him.
Oh, let's keep it our little secret.
Okay, that's a good idea.
Hey, just because people don't normally put pianos on houseboats, doesn't mean it's not a good idea.
All right, I'm an innovator.
Hold that.
I'm like the first guy to bring a microwave on a houseboat.
They probably said, "That guy was crazy.
" Right, but a microwave weighs ten pounds.
And a piano weighs six million.
Six million? I find that hard to believe.
I think it's 600, which is well within the carrying capacity of this vessel.
Besides, if there's too much weight, I'll just start hanging out with tinier people like you.
Like little miniature.
Tiny, little, curly-haired, miniature people.
Why don't you store it at Adam's? Yeah, I can't really do that to him.
He's already storing my dad.
Well, if you're not willing to give it up, then there's only one other option.
Which is? "You're gonna need a bigger boat, mate.
" Was that from Jaws? You did Quint.
And it's Ray Scheider's line, I think.
Actually it's Roy Scheider's line, but Right, Roy Scheider's line.
Right.
What I do know is that dinner is ready.
Ah, yes! So why don't you come sit down.
Sit down, huh? Let's do it.
All right.
Good.
Hot, hot, hot, hot.
Wow.
This is really nice.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
It is nice, huh? Really nice.
Not too much cheese.
Okay.
Yeah, it is.
Really nice.
You got four guys out there, pass the ball.
There you go.
He's open.
What the hell is going on here? Oh, come on! Wait a minute! What the hell? Hey, Adam! Sit down, Grandpa.
Adam! Adam! Come here a minute! Your TV's all screwed up! The cartoon thing came on.
Hey, hey, calm down.
I had the game on, and the cartoons show up! It's SpongeBob.
It's okay.
Oh, okay, relax.
SpongeBob? Let's talk about it in the other room, okay? We'll explain it to you in here.
I'll explain it to you.
Come on.
Dad.
All right, look.
SpongeBob! Dad, I know you want to watch your game, but we have to limit Max's TV time.
Yes, and it has to be predictable for him.
It has to be.
Okay? So, the thing is set to switch to SpongeBob exactly at 7:00.
It stays on for the length of the show, then it turns itself off.
It's locked in.
All right, and ever since we set up the DVR like this, we haven't had a single fight about the TV.
Not one.
Not one problem.
All right? It's good.
It's good for Max.
Well, so, There are no exceptions? I mean, even for overtimes or something? Hey, if you don't like it here Hey.
Is it You want to play it that way? Yeah.
Is that how Okay, fine then.
I'll just listen to my game on the radio that I have upstairs and me and the crickets, those other insects that are up there.
I'm going to kill him.
I'm going to kill him first.
I'm going to kill him.
I'm going to kill him.
Hi.
Hey.
So, my mom had this idea and it's stupid, but could also be really fun.
We're having a slumber party.
Oh.
It could be fun.
It's me, Tisha, Kayla, Grace, and I really want you to come.
It's tonight? Yeah.
I have an algebra test.
No way.
You have to be there.
Seriously, when you make fun of Steve, it makes me feel so much better.
Please? Okay.
Yeah.
Of course.
I'll totally be there.
Great.
I'll see you.
You know, I'm not sure that I'm in the market to move in, you know, any time soon.
I just saw the "Open House" sign, and All right, well, great.
So, it's two bedrooms, one bath.
Okay.
Do you think a piano would fit through that door? Upright or grand? Well, it's not Elton John's piano.
It's mine.
Upright.
My guess is it would, yeah.
It would? I think so.
Okay.
And how about the schools? Are they any good here? Very.
Yeah.
Best test scores in the East Bay, actually.
Do you have a family? Yeah.
You know, it's complicated.
But I did recently acquire a son.
Oh.
He's really cute.
You want to see some pictures? Sure.
Yeah.
Okay, that's him.
And then that's his mom.
Oh, nice family.
Yeah, they are, huh? Yeah.
So, is it just the three of you or Yeah.
Probably, but the piano's a definite, though.
So, you know, the rest is kind of a work in progress.
Okay.
Well, through here we've got a full dining room, really cozy, a lot of natural sunlight.
And, in here, full kitchen, dishwasher, garbage disposal Oh, wow.
And, over here, washer-dryer.
Ooh, you know what, I know how to operate these.
See, Max, lookie here.
You could have one of these, you know.
Call him Skipper.
He looks like a Skipper, doesn't he? I think I like this tortoise.
What? Oh, jeez, I don't know.
He doesn't He's not very good looking.
I mean All they do is move their head in and out.
You might as well get a green rock.
I like him.
He's thinking.
Do you like the name Miles? Miles? Yeah, Miles.
Can you help me remember exactly when and why this pet promise was made? Last Tuesday, his progress report.
No tantrums.
So, we promised him that we'd get him a pet.
Right.
Right, right, right.
Great.
Max wants a turtle.
Tortoise.
His name is Miles.
Excellent choice.
Excellent choice.
He's cute.
Low-maintenance choice.
Huh? Nothing.
Don't say anything.
Nothing.
We like the tortoise.
He's cute.
- Hey, Mom? - Yeah? Do you want to order something like pizza? I just saw somebody eating it on TV.
It looked so good.
Okay, that's going to be a little formal for pizza.
Yes, I'm going out tonight.
Didn't I tell you? Oh, no, really? You look great.
Where are you going? Really? You think? For an art show opening? My whole painting class is going.
Oh.
Okay.
I can't remember the last time I got all dressed up to go out.
Oh, me neither.
Hey, can I come? Seriously? Yeah.
I'd love to come.
I love art.
Girls' night out.
Sure, of course.
Go get dressed.
Oh, no, I am dressed.
No, really dressed.
Oh.
A Porsche.
I love you.
He's 45 minutes late.
I love you so much.
Yes, you do.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
You want me to Yeah, you get it.
I'II Okay.
Hey.
There he is.
Worst dinner guest ever, right? No, of course not.
Come in.
Forty minutes late.
I'm so sorry.
Good to see you.
Don't worry about it.
Joel.
Hey.
Good to see you, man.
You look great.
Those arms, the hair, the guy's like a rock star.
Boy, okay.
Thanks, I guess.
Thing is, they say it's going to be a 10-minute phone call.
You know, just dotting the I's, crossing the T's.
And suddenly they want to reopen all the deal points we've spent the last six months grinding them on.
Oh, that's the worst.
Yeah, that sucks.
Bet you're glad you don't have to deal with crap like that, huh, Joel? Whew.
Stay-at-home dad.
Yup.
Oh, man, what do I have to do to get that job? Seriously though, it's honorable what you do.
Yup.
Oh, it's a little something I picked up in Tuscany Oh, my gosh In a vineyard last month.
Yeah.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
Is this the whole place or This is it.
Well, you know, there's the second floor, but Should we have some wine? Wine would be awesome.
Your call.
Absolutely.
Let's start with our poor wine and then we'll move on to this Tuscany.
Yeah, we'll save this for a special occasion.
Dad.
Hey, sweetheart.
Hi.
Boy, you look nice.
Thanks.
You scared me.
What're you doing? Oh, yeah, just getting some clothes.
How's your mom? You know, fine.
She's keeping busy.
You would not believe what I am going through at your brother's house.
You know that eight-year-old kid runs the joint.
And the girl's virginity is hanging by a thread.
Adam can't even watch a basketball game with me and Boy, you look beautiful.
So, what are you girls off to, the cotillion? No, well, we're going to an art gallery opening.
Oh.
My whole class is going.
Oh.
Millie, can I We'd better get going.
Sarah? Dad.
Yeah.
Okay, I'm coming.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
See you later, Dad.
Have a good time.
That's Ingrid, in the kimono.
She's all about daffodils.
She sneaks them into all her paintings.
Oh.
And that's Harvey, there with the bushy hair and the orthopedic shoes.
He's obsessed with African masks.
That's all he paints.
Oh.
That's Matthew.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
That's your teacher? He's amazing.
A true artist just entered the room.
He always does that.
You look absolutely stunning.
Really? I do? Thank you.
Is this Sarah? Hi.
Glad to meet you.
Do you know how talented your mother is? Yeah.
He's saying that because you're here.
No, really.
Can I steal your mother away for a bit? Oh, he's going to steal me away.
Okay.
Well, steal, steal, steal.
So, the plan is to bundle your dad's holdings with a bunch of higher-end properties.
Mmm-hmm.
Bundling is when we package a less attractive investment with some blue-chips, so as to I understand what bundling is.
Oh.
Uh.
Then we call the Keppler Group.
They'II They're wired up to a big pile of China money.
Keppler buys the bundle, which buys out your dad, and he comes away with maybe that's a hell of a lot better than zero cents, right? And the Keppler guys, why are they into it? They owe me a favor for keeping their name out of the papers during the whole TARP mess.
TARP stands for Troubled Asset Relief Program.
Mmm-mmm.
Excuse me, this one I gotta take, this one.
Deano, what's going on, brother? What happened? Uh-huh.
You're my hero.
Unbelievable.
Excuse me? Oh, I'm sorry.
Not you.
It's I mean, I get it.
You know, you're hurt, you want revenge.
But that This Who? Who are we talking about? It's my mother.
The little lady with the necklaces is my mother.
And the guy she's talking to is her art teacher.
Oh, they make a cute couple.
They're not a couple.
That woman is a grandmother.
Look at her flirting and giggling.
It's like she's in the Sex in the City movie.
Oh, I'm so looking forward to seeing that sequel.
Well, so am I.
I'm not dead inside.
But the fact is that guy's a home wrecker.
I am going to go and look at some art.
Sorry.
Take it.
Okay, I did.
Oh, no.
I don't like it.
We'll put a cat on it.
But it'll look better if you just Since when do you like Death Cab? Who burned this? Oh, nobody.
I just have to return that to somebody.
To who? To Steve? Let me see that.
Tisha! It was an accident! I say, yay.
Steve is a douche.
He is.
The Decemberists.
Is this one his, too? No.
It's not.
I love them.
Do it.
Do it.
Oh, I don't know.
- Yeah, yeah.
He was a total jerk to you.
GRACE: Break it.
He totally deserves it.
Do you think I should, Amber? Whatever you want.
- Come on, do it.
- Do it.
- Do it.
I don't just Oh, my God.
- Yeah! - Everybody take one! This feels so good.
Come on, Amber.
Yeah.
Break it.
Yeah.
Break it.
Miles is missing! What? I went to say goodnight to him, and he wasn't He ran away! Did you check eight inches away from where you left him? What are we going to do? Okay, he's not in his room.
I don't know where the heck this thing is.
It's disappeared.
All right, listen to me.
Everything's going to be okay.
You go look around the house with Mom.
Grandpa and I will look outside, okay.
We'll get Haddie and her friends to help.
Okay.
See, Son.
This is where a dog would come in handy.
Right, you go, "Here, Skipper.
Here, boy!" And your dog comes.
You do that to a turtle, nothing.
I'm going to get us some flashlights.
De Kooning gets a royalty every time someone looks at that.
It's an art joke I actually get.
It's funny.
We're gonna go.
You're gonna A friend of mine has a gallery in Oakland.
And they're also having an opening tonight.
Oh.
But it's a few notches down on the pretentious meter.
Okay.
Well, where is it? I'll join you.
Oh, no, no.
Not necessary.
But, Mom, how are you going to get home? Do you want me to come get you later? Well, Matthew will give me a ride home.
Yeah.
No problem.
Sure.
You'll give me a ride home, right? Oh, good.
Okay.
Well, have fun.
Yes.
Bye, darling.
Okay.
Bye, Sarah.
Bye-bye.
Oh, we could be out here all night looking for the turtle.
Wait a second, I think I got him.
Boy, if that's him, I'm going to enter him in a marathon.
Hey, look, Adam, why don't you and me go to the pet store.
We'll get a Golden Retriever, and he can find the turtle? Stop with the damn dog.
Well, I mean, you really ought to get Max a real pet, Adam.
Oh, my God! Would you shut up? What, do you think I don't know why you're here? What do you mean? I know that you cheated on Mom.
What? You heard me.
Who told you that? Does it matter? That's none of your damn business, Son.
Well, how could you do that to her? We did it to each other, Adam.
It takes two to tango.
Well, that's a load of crap, you son of a bitch.
Oh, no.
It's not that simple, Son.
Really? Really? You're going to blame Mom for screwing around with some other woman? Let me tell you something.
When you've been married 46 years, you come and talk to me.
Until then, you just back the hell off.
Oh, my gosh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
He's worse than I remembered.
Way worse.
I know.
He's a means to an end.
I don't think so.
We're done with that guy.
What are you talking about? I don't trust him.
Joel, don't let baggage from a million years ago become a factor in what's happening right now.
Julia, this isn't about baggage.
This is about him bundling money, like all the crooks who got this country into the whole mess it's in.
It's just Look, Timm is not a criminal.
We can find somebody better Who? to help your dad.
Somebody who's not such a scumbag.
Yeah? For starters, me.
I can drive out, take a look at the property, evaluate it.
Maybe there's some way I can do some work on it, bring the value up.
Joel, we're not putting anything more into this.
It's throwing good money after bad.
You don't have a say in this.
You've got to be kidding me.
You know I've been over the numbers.
And I've been over them.
And the hole is huge.
And there's no one who will do us this kind of massive favor that Timm's talking about doing.
The crisis is huge.
My parents' marriage is in the balance.
I don't know what else to say.
Okay.
Max kind of looks like a turtle.
I can see that.
Or like, I mean a tortoise.
I don't know.
I don't know which one it is.
Yeah, I don't really know the difference.
Yeah.
Same snappy, little face.
I know.
Which is like Max's face, you know? Like every day Haddie.
Can I talk to you for one second? Yeah.
About Steve.
Oh, my God.
I know.
I saw you guys talking in the cafeteria.
He probably Did he say something weird? Because he makes jokes.
And like No, it's not that.
Haddie, it's not that.
What? What? No, I just This is hard.
What? I slept with him.
Ha ha.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know what happened.
I don't know what happened.
It was an accident.
I messed up.
I I was drinking and he was being nice and I just Something is wrong with me.
I'm sorry.
I wish I could take it back.
It was an accident.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Please try to understand Can you just Can you stop talking? I don't know what happened.
Please.
Please don't be mad at me.
Please don't be mad at me.
I'm so sorry.
Please.
Oh, God.
Max, Max, we are going to find Miles.
No, we're not! I promise.
You can't promise, because you don't know where he is! You're right.
You're right.
I can't.
Look, Max, a tortoise is never really lost, because a tortoise carries its house on its back, right? Hey, Max.
Hey, Max.
Hey, Max.
Max.
Max, you're going to be all right.
Okay? All right? Okay.
You waited up.
Revenge, huh, for all those nights I made you wait up? Yeah, right.
There aren't enough nights in the year.
Mom? What? How was it? Oh, it was fun.
I had a really good time.
What'd you do? Well, we went to the The other art show.
You would not believe how bad the art was.
It was like someone threw up all over the canvas.
We got out of there in about five minutes.
And we went to a bar.
It was a pub, Irish pub.
We had Irish coffee.
And, it was nice.
There was a band there that wasn't so great.
So, we left there and we went back to Matthew's place.
And he made us a fire.
And served us some port.
And we talked and And And? Oh, Mom.
Go slow.
I'm losing it.
No, no, no.
Braverman, come on, dig deep.
No, I can't.
All right, easy, easy.
Oh, God! Oh, God! I'm losing it! Come on, dig deep.
Hold it.
Oh, God! Wait, wait, wait! Oh! You know what? That's not funny.
This is a priceless instrument.
Hey, hey, nephew of mine.
Don't encourage him.
All right, sorry.
Sorry.
Hey, I'm not the one making his nephew carry a piano down the stairs.
Exactly.
Exactly.
- All right.
Hold on.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Do you need me to get it? Yeah, will you just grab this? This is Okay.
All right.
I got it.
Okay, holding it.
You got it? Thanks.
Just got to do this.
Oh! Oh, Don Rickles is here.
It's the first time you've ever made a joke, and you decide to do it when I'm holding a piano.
Well, pretty good.
You know what? What? I'm never asking you guys to help me move anything ever again.
You promise? I'll show you promise.
Now, come on, let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go! Keep the momentum! Go, go, go, go, go! Come on.
I like this picture, Mommy.
You look like a princess.
Oh, yeah, that's prom.
Is that Daddy? No, sweetie.
Look at it.
That's my friend Timm.
Timmmmm.
Come on back.
Come on back.
So, where's Haddie? Adam, that's it.
You got that right angle? Come on back some more.
Come on back.
Up, up, up, up.
I actually got that end.
I actually did something.
Excellent.
And you said it couldn't be done.
Okay, to thank you for your not-so-heroic efforts, I present to you, Solace, A Mexican Serenade.
No! - Yes.
No! Play something else! What is wrong with that one? That's the song he played for his sixth grade recital.
We've heard it ten thousand times.
Ten million.
It's gonna bring me back in time to a very unattractive hairdo.
It keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? Oh, it sounds good.
It's not as awful as I expected.
Can you dance to this one? Some songs never get old, right? Except that one.
Except for this one.
That's right.
I like it.
Oh, please, all right.
Go on, Joel.
May I? Yeah, give Jasmine a whirl.
Here we go.
Yes.
I'll let you lead.
Joel.
Joel, let's keep a little distance.
Okay.
I'll do I just want to Do I get a dip? Yeah.
Right now? You know who's a good dancer? Aunt Sarah.
She hates to do it, but once she gets started, boy, there's nothing stopping her.
Wow, look who's the hero.
Where'd you find him? He was in my shoe.
They don't have a very good sense of smell.
Well, Max is going to be thrilled.
Why don't you go give it to him? Oh, no.
Here, you give it to him.
All right.
Here, buddy.
You know something, Sonny.
You're 10 times the father I ever was.
That's not true.
Yes it is.
Five times maybe.
Miles! Miles! Miles! Grandpa found him.
I think your mom's going to forgive me.
I wouldn't.
But then again, I haven't been married for 46 years.