Parks and Recreation s02e12 Episode Script
Christmas Scandal
We now go live to Councilman Bill Dexhart, who's giving a press conference about his sex scandal.
You are getting a rare glimpse at this exclusive, government-only event.
Each December, one department puts on a show that spoofs what happened in our town.
Prepare to laugh your Asnov! Sid Asnov is a former city councilman.
Some of the jokes are sort of inside.
Councilman Dexhart, you're involved in yet another scandal? That's crazier than Mayor Gunderson's dog, Rufus.
Yes, there is a new one, and it's a doozie.
I don't want to go into the details, but let me just say that it involves multiple women, a love child, nurses, rabbis, priests Hey! Well, I hope you can all join me at my fundraiser tonight.
I am being supported, of course, by the Glitter Factory and 1-800-Mattress.
Classic! Pawnee is a city that ain't very pretty And good government is our goal We may not be big And our mayor wears a wig But at least the raccoon infestation is under control It's the most wonderful time in Pawnee Lot 48 was once a horrible and disgusting pit, and now it's the site of Pawnee's Winter Wonderland.
This could not be more perfect if I had planned it myself.
Which I did.
And it's awesome.
So, let's talk skedge, guys.
The kids are gonna come at 9:00 a.
M.
on Saturday, and everyone's gonna do Santa for two hours, so I would just advise everyone, before you get in your costume, to go to the bathroom, so we can avoid what happened last year.
It was just farts.
with the youth choir, and I am proud to announce, for the first time ever this year, our tree lighting ceremony will be simulcast on Internet radio.
Thank you.
That's a really big deal.
It is.
Thank you.
Listening to that tree lighting is gonna be dope.
Okay.
Any questions, direct them to me.
Dismissed.
Hey, there was a message for you on the work voicemail.
Councilman Dexhart wants to meet with you at 9:00 p.
M.
, the Boardwalk Lounge.
Shut up.
No.
I'm not scared.
I got nothing to apologize for.
I could've been a lot harder on him.
He got off easy.
And often.
Thank you, I'll be here all week! You gotta tell me about him.
I don't know anything about him.
Okay.
He's 23, he's kind of my boyfriend, he's gay.
Last year we got drunk and he took me to the Ice Capades, and I didn't get him anything.
And he's gay? Yeah.
Brokeback Mountain DVD.
No.
Fellows love that.
No.
Does he already have, like, chaps? Like assless chaps? You know what? Forget it.
Okay.
Why are you asking me? Because I don't know.
There's no one else to ask.
At least you're kind of young.
All right, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna think about it.
Through the course of all day, I'm gonna mull it over.
It's all I'm gonna think about, but you're in good hands.
I'm gonna come up with something really, really good.
Really? All right.
Yeah.
You got that? Yeah.
Councilman Dexhart? I'm Leslie Knope.
Thank you for meeting me.
It's my pleasure.
I am assuming this is about my performance in the Government Follies last night.
I'd just like to say that I have nothing to apologize for, except for perhaps being too incisive.
I don't want you to apologize.
I want to know who told you.
Who told me? Mmm-hmm.
Nobody.
Nobody told me nothing! What are we talking about? Based on that skit, I know you heard about the new scandal that's about to break.
Who told you? Was it the babysitter? Was it the nurse who delivered our love child? What? All right, stop playing dumb.
You know damn well what happened.
I got the babysitter pregnant, then when she was in the delivery room, I had sex with not one, but four nurses in a supply closet, as well as a woman whose husband was getting a liver transplant.
Mmm.
Now, which one of them told you? Was it the liver lady? Well, I No one I haven't I haven't heard any of this, ever, in my whole life.
Oh! Believe me, I would have remembered this.
Okay.
Well, in that case, everything I just told you was just a funny prank.
Oh! Hi! How was your meeting? It was fine.
Pretty straightforward.
Short meeting.
He's a busy guy.
Yes, very busy.
Look at this article.
No! What the The story of this story is that it won't stop developing.
The mystery woman who met with Councilman Dexhart last night appears to be a government employee named Leslie Norp.
Oh, my God! Oh, God! According to unconfirmed reports in the Pawnee Sun, the two bent an elbow at this local watering hole, and although they left separately, no one knows where they woke up together.
Perd Hapley, Channel Four News.
All I did was write and perform in one amazing skit.
Leslie, it's the Pawnee Sun.
It's a tabloid.
Nobody else has written about it.
Yeah, no one believes that garbage.
Nobody even reads that thing.
Leslie! What? Nice work, girl.
Oh, God! How do I fight back? Give me some options.
Do you want me to seduce Perd Hapley? How would that help? I don't know.
I just want to see if I can do it.
April, I appreciate that, but I don't think it's something worth losing your virginity over.
Leslie, I don't know if this is important or not, but I have heard a lot of very, very interesting chatter around the shoeshine stand today.
Oh, my God! Really? What have you heard? A lot of things.
Like, "Can you believe it?" and, "The Parks lady boned Dexhart," and, "Of course she did, she's totally good to go.
" And one guy was like, "I wouldn't hit that.
" And the other guy was like, "Me neither.
" And then this third guy was like, "I would.
" So I don't know if that's helpful at all.
Well, keep your ear to the ground.
Okay.
I'll just I'm not gonna let these people intimidate me.
I'm gonna do my job.
I would be lying if I said that I never thought I would be involved in an incident like this.
Except I always assumed that I would be the politician and the man would be accused of sleeping with me.
And that man would be the vice president, and I would be the president.
Okay, all right.
Well, you look good.
You need to put some tights on, though, and I want you to make sure you keep your neckline nice and high.
Leslie Knope? Alexa Softcastle, Pawnee Sun.
Can I ask you a few questions? Don't say anything.
I'm not afraid to say anything.
Okay? I have nothing to hide.
I'd never even met Councilman Dexhart before yesterday, and that's all I'm gonna say about the matter.
Some people are saying this isn't the first time that you've had sex with a married councilman.
Who's saying that? Some people.
Okay.
This interview is over.
Go home, lay low.
The truth will come out.
I can't! I have too much work to do.
This department is not gonna deputy-direct itself.
I think we can manage.
Just give me your schedule and we'll cover for you.
Okay.
I've made copies of Leslie's daily work schedule, so we'll just split into teams, and each team will take Damn, 10 items, and we'll knock this out.
I swear to you, I never even met the guy before last night.
It's okay.
I believe you.
You do? 'Course.
I think I know you pretty well, and that doesn't sound like you.
Thank you.
If I ever see that guy, I'm gonna punch him right in the face.
Yeah, that's sweet.
Use your nightstick.
Which meeting is this? Reorganization of Local Auditing Systems.
Kill me.
Right.
First order of business.
Leslie? Where's Leslie? Oh, um, I gave her the day off, Paul.
Thought that was best.
Oh, yeah.
That's good.
So you'll be making the presentation then, Ron? Yep.
Yes.
Hey, so, that kind of brings us to what I wanted to talk to you about.
I You know my Army reserve unit? We got called up to active duty.
I ship out in four days.
Oh, my God! Where you going? San Diego.
Oh, my God! It's not dangerous.
It's mostly maintenance.
But I'm going for, like, a year.
Maybe 18 months.
And I was kind of hoping that maybe you'd want to come with me.
Like, on a permanent type basis.
Well, I don't know, it's kind of a weird question.
I mean, I joined to put myself through college, and it's I'm just a desk jockey, but it's still It's rewarding.
So, yeah, I guess I'm in love with the Army.
Oh, Leslie? Well, yeah.
Yeah, that makes a lot more sense.
Yeah, I'm definitely in love with Leslie.
That's affirmative.
I know this seems kind of fast, but I feel like we got something here.
I do, too.
Yeah? Yeah.
You don't have to answer right away.
Well, you kind of do.
I mean, I need to know soon.
Wow! Yeah.
Are you gonna go? This whole Dexhart thing is not making me feel very attached to Pawnee right now.
San Diego.
Jeez.
Yeah.
You could learn how to surf.
I know how to surf.
I took lessons when I was a kid.
I'm actually pretty good.
I bet you are.
I would miss Leslie like crazy.
Aw! All right, sorted out that payroll issue, this is done.
"Bring a case of beer to Sanitation.
" Why? Let's skip that one.
They can buy their own beer.
I'm getting hungry.
Let's get something to eat.
Hey, have you figured out what you're getting Ann for Christmas? Oh, I got her a pretty great computer bag.
Yeah? That's a terrible gift.
No, no, Tom, she needs one.
She mentioned it to me two months ago, and I wrote it down.
That's what's called being an amazing boyfriend.
Have you seen Ann? You know how hot she is? Men give women of that caliber speedboats, private jets, not computer bags.
Okay.
What do you think I should get her? Diamonds.
Can't go wrong with diamonds.
Diamonds? There isn't a woman alive who doesn't love diamonds.
Even the super left-wing chicks that saw Blood Diamond and cried, when they get a diamond, they're like, "Yeah, bitch, give me more of them blood diamonds! "Make them extra bloody.
" Trust me.
We are here looking at a videotape.
This is back in April 2005.
We're looking at Councilman Dexhart Leslie, you should see this.
And he's now about to shake hands with Leslie Knope, the alleged sex toy.
Oh, for cripes sake! Look at the way she's smiling at him.
Mmm-hmm.
And then almost unconsciously touching her hands to her hips.
See that? Right there.
It's like she's sending him a message that she's ready for childbearing.
Wow.
LESLIE: In a the tiniest story gets dissected over and over again.
In 2004, a kid from Pawnee went to the Olympics, and it was reported on for over a year.
He wasn't even competing or anything, he just was going, literally, to watch the Olympics.
It was way too easy to get this guy here.
Councilman Dexhart, this has gone far enough.
I want you to hold a press conference and clear my name.
Mmm No, thanks.
Why not? What's in it for you? To be honest, being linked to Leslie is a lot less damning than the real story.
You're like a glass of whole milk.
What are you, Lutheran? I love Lutherans.
Councilman, with all due respect, get a grip.
If you don't hold a press conference, I'm gonna come forward and tell the whole story.
It won't do you any good.
Take it from me, denying only makes things worse.
Listen, I gotta go.
I'm expected at two different maternity wards.
But before I go, I'd be remiss if I didn't ask.
Should we? Oh, my God! People already think we did it.
You've got nothing to lose.
I'm very good.
Get out of here! All right, fine.
Shoeshine.
Shoeshine.
Oh! Hey! Hey.
I've been thinking about your gay boyfriend all day.
I have got some awesome ideas.
Okay.
First idea, spray tan gift certificates.
Ugh.
No.
Trip to Germany? Germany is awesome.
And expensive.
Good call.
I didn't think of that.
Okay, you know how people say that you should give gifts that you would want to get yourself? What would you want? Easy.
Indianapolis Colts' Reggie Wayne jersey, number 87, double XL, home blue, signed by Reggie Wayne right after he catches a touchdown to win the Super Bowl.
Okay.
Never mind.
No? Hip Hop Abs dance fitness DVD? We just received these exclusive photos.
We have pictures of City Councilman Dexhart My God! with Leslie Knope I cannot believe it! The big issue now is, who is this mystery woman? She and Knope are standing very close to each other, and any time you see two women standing very close to each other Oh, no.
No, don't say it.
you immediately assume Please don't say it.
lesbian.
Oh, of course.
What? It is a veritable storm of information coming into the studios here today.
Hi, this is Leslie Knope, and I would like Joan to clear all of her guests tomorrow, because I'm coming on the show.
If you think that you can drag me and my friend through the mud, then you've got Yes, I'll hold.
Unbelievable.
Hey.
What happened? Got a call from some panicky morning joggers.
Apparently, Sanitation didn't empty this dumpster.
To the raccoons' delight.
I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal.
Not in this town, sweetheart.
In this town, they're 24/7.
We can't have raccoons for the Christmas thing.
They'll hunt the kids for sport.
Fess up, guys.
Who dropped the ball? "Bring a case of beer to Sanitation.
" "Bring a case of" Yeah, this one's our fault, Ron, and we will take care of this for you.
Okay, good, because I have to run a public forum, supervise the maintenance crews, and teach crafts at the senior center.
Simultaneously.
Joan, I just wanted to say thank you for letting me be on your show.
I'm really happy that I have the chance to clear my name.
Well, sure.
I see you brought your girlfriend for support.
That's nice.
What? Oh, no.
She's not my And in five, Joan.
She's a We're Four.
Three.
You've got it wrong.
Sex.
Drugs, possibly.
Rock and Roll? We'll find out, on Pawnee Today's exclusive interview with the woman at the center of the Dexhart sex scandal, Leslie Knope.
Leslie, my first question has to be, when did the affair start? Joan, I spoke with Councilman Dexhart for the first time that night.
We met for about 15 minutes, and then I went home, alone, and that's the whole story.
Well, Leslie, we all saw the tape from four years ago, and you were flashing some serious "do me" eyes.
That's just my opinion.
I don't understand why I'm on trial here.
You should be grilling Councilman Dexhart.
You know what? That's a really good idea.
Let's bring him out! Councilman, come on out! Hi, sweetie.
Why didn't you tell me he was gonna be here? I thought it'd be more exciting! You look great.
It's like I'm invisible.
Okay, my name is Ron.
You don't need to know my last name.
Whoever wants to talk, go ahead, and we'll be out of here in a tight 15.
I found a sandwich in one of your parks, and I want to know why it didn't have mayonnaise.
What's so funny? Oh.
Yeah, I don't think kids should be allowed on the playground equipment.
Okay.
We've been over this.
If you're worried about swine flu, use hand sanitizer I'm not worried about swine flu.
I already have the swine flu.
I'm worried about the turtle flu.
The turtle flu? Turtle flu.
Turtle flu.
Joan, this whole Pawnee Sun story is "gotcha journalism" at its worst.
Honey, let's just keep our private life in the bedroom where it belongs.
We do not have a private life! Stop saying that we have a private life! The fact is, we never slept together, and if we did, you would have proof, and we would have seen it by now.
Councilman? I can prove it.
She has a mole on her right buttock.
What? That is a total lie.
You've never seen my butt.
What are you talking about? He has never seen my butt.
Well, I guess it's your word against his.
That's right.
Fine.
Here, Joan.
Why don't you look for yourself? Is this happening? Wait.
There's no mole.
There is no mole.
This exclusive story, there is no mole on Miss Knope! I can't believe it's come to this.
This is utterly humiliating.
Well, Councilman? Care to make a comment about No-Mole-Gate? Yes.
I really didn't think that Miss Knope would pull down her pants on TV, but since she did, I will admit that the rumors of our affair are indeed false.
Thank you.
However, I have no plans to resign.
Oh, great.
Okay, Councilman.
You know what? You're a class act.
Thank you.
I thought you did great.
When you get all feisty like that, it gets my heart racing.
Like I'm on a Stairmaster, except more, like, in a sexual Context.
I can't go to San Diego with you.
My life is here.
My friends, my career.
I guess I just thought with everything that happened, you'd want a fresh start.
I know.
I really care about you, Dave.
I just I love this town.
I'm sorry.
You want your ticket back? No.
You know what? Keep it.
You may want to come visit me, right? There's a $75 change fee, but I could pay you that, or I could reimburse you.
There's a lot of ways we could handle that.
Oh! Oh! That's Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
Hey! Honey.
Honey, I'm so proud of you.
Leslie Knope! That took guts, mooning Joan Callamezzo! Aw! Honey! Thanks, Mom.
Oh, God! Is something wrong with the tree? No.
Nothing wrong.
But it's almost 9:00.
It should've been lighted up an hour ago.
We waited for you.
Okay, everybody.
Count down.
Five! Four! Five! Four! Three! Two! Three! Two! One! Yeah! One! Yeah! It's gotten a lot harder to work in government.
You think Winston Churchill ever had to pull his pants down and show his butt? No.
But would he have? Yes.
Now, could he have? Well, maybe not towards the end of his life, but he would have.
Because he loved his job.
Reggie Wayne! Dude! You remembered me complaining about my computer bag! Do you like it? Yeah, it's perfect.
It's way better than the gift that I got you.
It's Pacers tickets.
Oh! They're not even good seats! Ugh.
This is awesome! It's not awesome.
I actually got you a second gift.
You don't have to come to this game with me.
You don't have to.
That's the nicest gift anybody's ever Is that good? Gotten me in my life! Yes! Is that good? Come here.
Oh, thank God! There's a bunch of messages waiting for you about a bunch of things I don't understand.
Hi, this is Leslie Knope in the Parks Department.
You are getting a rare glimpse at this exclusive, government-only event.
Each December, one department puts on a show that spoofs what happened in our town.
Prepare to laugh your Asnov! Sid Asnov is a former city councilman.
Some of the jokes are sort of inside.
Councilman Dexhart, you're involved in yet another scandal? That's crazier than Mayor Gunderson's dog, Rufus.
Yes, there is a new one, and it's a doozie.
I don't want to go into the details, but let me just say that it involves multiple women, a love child, nurses, rabbis, priests Hey! Well, I hope you can all join me at my fundraiser tonight.
I am being supported, of course, by the Glitter Factory and 1-800-Mattress.
Classic! Pawnee is a city that ain't very pretty And good government is our goal We may not be big And our mayor wears a wig But at least the raccoon infestation is under control It's the most wonderful time in Pawnee Lot 48 was once a horrible and disgusting pit, and now it's the site of Pawnee's Winter Wonderland.
This could not be more perfect if I had planned it myself.
Which I did.
And it's awesome.
So, let's talk skedge, guys.
The kids are gonna come at 9:00 a.
M.
on Saturday, and everyone's gonna do Santa for two hours, so I would just advise everyone, before you get in your costume, to go to the bathroom, so we can avoid what happened last year.
It was just farts.
with the youth choir, and I am proud to announce, for the first time ever this year, our tree lighting ceremony will be simulcast on Internet radio.
Thank you.
That's a really big deal.
It is.
Thank you.
Listening to that tree lighting is gonna be dope.
Okay.
Any questions, direct them to me.
Dismissed.
Hey, there was a message for you on the work voicemail.
Councilman Dexhart wants to meet with you at 9:00 p.
M.
, the Boardwalk Lounge.
Shut up.
No.
I'm not scared.
I got nothing to apologize for.
I could've been a lot harder on him.
He got off easy.
And often.
Thank you, I'll be here all week! You gotta tell me about him.
I don't know anything about him.
Okay.
He's 23, he's kind of my boyfriend, he's gay.
Last year we got drunk and he took me to the Ice Capades, and I didn't get him anything.
And he's gay? Yeah.
Brokeback Mountain DVD.
No.
Fellows love that.
No.
Does he already have, like, chaps? Like assless chaps? You know what? Forget it.
Okay.
Why are you asking me? Because I don't know.
There's no one else to ask.
At least you're kind of young.
All right, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna think about it.
Through the course of all day, I'm gonna mull it over.
It's all I'm gonna think about, but you're in good hands.
I'm gonna come up with something really, really good.
Really? All right.
Yeah.
You got that? Yeah.
Councilman Dexhart? I'm Leslie Knope.
Thank you for meeting me.
It's my pleasure.
I am assuming this is about my performance in the Government Follies last night.
I'd just like to say that I have nothing to apologize for, except for perhaps being too incisive.
I don't want you to apologize.
I want to know who told you.
Who told me? Mmm-hmm.
Nobody.
Nobody told me nothing! What are we talking about? Based on that skit, I know you heard about the new scandal that's about to break.
Who told you? Was it the babysitter? Was it the nurse who delivered our love child? What? All right, stop playing dumb.
You know damn well what happened.
I got the babysitter pregnant, then when she was in the delivery room, I had sex with not one, but four nurses in a supply closet, as well as a woman whose husband was getting a liver transplant.
Mmm.
Now, which one of them told you? Was it the liver lady? Well, I No one I haven't I haven't heard any of this, ever, in my whole life.
Oh! Believe me, I would have remembered this.
Okay.
Well, in that case, everything I just told you was just a funny prank.
Oh! Hi! How was your meeting? It was fine.
Pretty straightforward.
Short meeting.
He's a busy guy.
Yes, very busy.
Look at this article.
No! What the The story of this story is that it won't stop developing.
The mystery woman who met with Councilman Dexhart last night appears to be a government employee named Leslie Norp.
Oh, my God! Oh, God! According to unconfirmed reports in the Pawnee Sun, the two bent an elbow at this local watering hole, and although they left separately, no one knows where they woke up together.
Perd Hapley, Channel Four News.
All I did was write and perform in one amazing skit.
Leslie, it's the Pawnee Sun.
It's a tabloid.
Nobody else has written about it.
Yeah, no one believes that garbage.
Nobody even reads that thing.
Leslie! What? Nice work, girl.
Oh, God! How do I fight back? Give me some options.
Do you want me to seduce Perd Hapley? How would that help? I don't know.
I just want to see if I can do it.
April, I appreciate that, but I don't think it's something worth losing your virginity over.
Leslie, I don't know if this is important or not, but I have heard a lot of very, very interesting chatter around the shoeshine stand today.
Oh, my God! Really? What have you heard? A lot of things.
Like, "Can you believe it?" and, "The Parks lady boned Dexhart," and, "Of course she did, she's totally good to go.
" And one guy was like, "I wouldn't hit that.
" And the other guy was like, "Me neither.
" And then this third guy was like, "I would.
" So I don't know if that's helpful at all.
Well, keep your ear to the ground.
Okay.
I'll just I'm not gonna let these people intimidate me.
I'm gonna do my job.
I would be lying if I said that I never thought I would be involved in an incident like this.
Except I always assumed that I would be the politician and the man would be accused of sleeping with me.
And that man would be the vice president, and I would be the president.
Okay, all right.
Well, you look good.
You need to put some tights on, though, and I want you to make sure you keep your neckline nice and high.
Leslie Knope? Alexa Softcastle, Pawnee Sun.
Can I ask you a few questions? Don't say anything.
I'm not afraid to say anything.
Okay? I have nothing to hide.
I'd never even met Councilman Dexhart before yesterday, and that's all I'm gonna say about the matter.
Some people are saying this isn't the first time that you've had sex with a married councilman.
Who's saying that? Some people.
Okay.
This interview is over.
Go home, lay low.
The truth will come out.
I can't! I have too much work to do.
This department is not gonna deputy-direct itself.
I think we can manage.
Just give me your schedule and we'll cover for you.
Okay.
I've made copies of Leslie's daily work schedule, so we'll just split into teams, and each team will take Damn, 10 items, and we'll knock this out.
I swear to you, I never even met the guy before last night.
It's okay.
I believe you.
You do? 'Course.
I think I know you pretty well, and that doesn't sound like you.
Thank you.
If I ever see that guy, I'm gonna punch him right in the face.
Yeah, that's sweet.
Use your nightstick.
Which meeting is this? Reorganization of Local Auditing Systems.
Kill me.
Right.
First order of business.
Leslie? Where's Leslie? Oh, um, I gave her the day off, Paul.
Thought that was best.
Oh, yeah.
That's good.
So you'll be making the presentation then, Ron? Yep.
Yes.
Hey, so, that kind of brings us to what I wanted to talk to you about.
I You know my Army reserve unit? We got called up to active duty.
I ship out in four days.
Oh, my God! Where you going? San Diego.
Oh, my God! It's not dangerous.
It's mostly maintenance.
But I'm going for, like, a year.
Maybe 18 months.
And I was kind of hoping that maybe you'd want to come with me.
Like, on a permanent type basis.
Well, I don't know, it's kind of a weird question.
I mean, I joined to put myself through college, and it's I'm just a desk jockey, but it's still It's rewarding.
So, yeah, I guess I'm in love with the Army.
Oh, Leslie? Well, yeah.
Yeah, that makes a lot more sense.
Yeah, I'm definitely in love with Leslie.
That's affirmative.
I know this seems kind of fast, but I feel like we got something here.
I do, too.
Yeah? Yeah.
You don't have to answer right away.
Well, you kind of do.
I mean, I need to know soon.
Wow! Yeah.
Are you gonna go? This whole Dexhart thing is not making me feel very attached to Pawnee right now.
San Diego.
Jeez.
Yeah.
You could learn how to surf.
I know how to surf.
I took lessons when I was a kid.
I'm actually pretty good.
I bet you are.
I would miss Leslie like crazy.
Aw! All right, sorted out that payroll issue, this is done.
"Bring a case of beer to Sanitation.
" Why? Let's skip that one.
They can buy their own beer.
I'm getting hungry.
Let's get something to eat.
Hey, have you figured out what you're getting Ann for Christmas? Oh, I got her a pretty great computer bag.
Yeah? That's a terrible gift.
No, no, Tom, she needs one.
She mentioned it to me two months ago, and I wrote it down.
That's what's called being an amazing boyfriend.
Have you seen Ann? You know how hot she is? Men give women of that caliber speedboats, private jets, not computer bags.
Okay.
What do you think I should get her? Diamonds.
Can't go wrong with diamonds.
Diamonds? There isn't a woman alive who doesn't love diamonds.
Even the super left-wing chicks that saw Blood Diamond and cried, when they get a diamond, they're like, "Yeah, bitch, give me more of them blood diamonds! "Make them extra bloody.
" Trust me.
We are here looking at a videotape.
This is back in April 2005.
We're looking at Councilman Dexhart Leslie, you should see this.
And he's now about to shake hands with Leslie Knope, the alleged sex toy.
Oh, for cripes sake! Look at the way she's smiling at him.
Mmm-hmm.
And then almost unconsciously touching her hands to her hips.
See that? Right there.
It's like she's sending him a message that she's ready for childbearing.
Wow.
LESLIE: In a the tiniest story gets dissected over and over again.
In 2004, a kid from Pawnee went to the Olympics, and it was reported on for over a year.
He wasn't even competing or anything, he just was going, literally, to watch the Olympics.
It was way too easy to get this guy here.
Councilman Dexhart, this has gone far enough.
I want you to hold a press conference and clear my name.
Mmm No, thanks.
Why not? What's in it for you? To be honest, being linked to Leslie is a lot less damning than the real story.
You're like a glass of whole milk.
What are you, Lutheran? I love Lutherans.
Councilman, with all due respect, get a grip.
If you don't hold a press conference, I'm gonna come forward and tell the whole story.
It won't do you any good.
Take it from me, denying only makes things worse.
Listen, I gotta go.
I'm expected at two different maternity wards.
But before I go, I'd be remiss if I didn't ask.
Should we? Oh, my God! People already think we did it.
You've got nothing to lose.
I'm very good.
Get out of here! All right, fine.
Shoeshine.
Shoeshine.
Oh! Hey! Hey.
I've been thinking about your gay boyfriend all day.
I have got some awesome ideas.
Okay.
First idea, spray tan gift certificates.
Ugh.
No.
Trip to Germany? Germany is awesome.
And expensive.
Good call.
I didn't think of that.
Okay, you know how people say that you should give gifts that you would want to get yourself? What would you want? Easy.
Indianapolis Colts' Reggie Wayne jersey, number 87, double XL, home blue, signed by Reggie Wayne right after he catches a touchdown to win the Super Bowl.
Okay.
Never mind.
No? Hip Hop Abs dance fitness DVD? We just received these exclusive photos.
We have pictures of City Councilman Dexhart My God! with Leslie Knope I cannot believe it! The big issue now is, who is this mystery woman? She and Knope are standing very close to each other, and any time you see two women standing very close to each other Oh, no.
No, don't say it.
you immediately assume Please don't say it.
lesbian.
Oh, of course.
What? It is a veritable storm of information coming into the studios here today.
Hi, this is Leslie Knope, and I would like Joan to clear all of her guests tomorrow, because I'm coming on the show.
If you think that you can drag me and my friend through the mud, then you've got Yes, I'll hold.
Unbelievable.
Hey.
What happened? Got a call from some panicky morning joggers.
Apparently, Sanitation didn't empty this dumpster.
To the raccoons' delight.
I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal.
Not in this town, sweetheart.
In this town, they're 24/7.
We can't have raccoons for the Christmas thing.
They'll hunt the kids for sport.
Fess up, guys.
Who dropped the ball? "Bring a case of beer to Sanitation.
" "Bring a case of" Yeah, this one's our fault, Ron, and we will take care of this for you.
Okay, good, because I have to run a public forum, supervise the maintenance crews, and teach crafts at the senior center.
Simultaneously.
Joan, I just wanted to say thank you for letting me be on your show.
I'm really happy that I have the chance to clear my name.
Well, sure.
I see you brought your girlfriend for support.
That's nice.
What? Oh, no.
She's not my And in five, Joan.
She's a We're Four.
Three.
You've got it wrong.
Sex.
Drugs, possibly.
Rock and Roll? We'll find out, on Pawnee Today's exclusive interview with the woman at the center of the Dexhart sex scandal, Leslie Knope.
Leslie, my first question has to be, when did the affair start? Joan, I spoke with Councilman Dexhart for the first time that night.
We met for about 15 minutes, and then I went home, alone, and that's the whole story.
Well, Leslie, we all saw the tape from four years ago, and you were flashing some serious "do me" eyes.
That's just my opinion.
I don't understand why I'm on trial here.
You should be grilling Councilman Dexhart.
You know what? That's a really good idea.
Let's bring him out! Councilman, come on out! Hi, sweetie.
Why didn't you tell me he was gonna be here? I thought it'd be more exciting! You look great.
It's like I'm invisible.
Okay, my name is Ron.
You don't need to know my last name.
Whoever wants to talk, go ahead, and we'll be out of here in a tight 15.
I found a sandwich in one of your parks, and I want to know why it didn't have mayonnaise.
What's so funny? Oh.
Yeah, I don't think kids should be allowed on the playground equipment.
Okay.
We've been over this.
If you're worried about swine flu, use hand sanitizer I'm not worried about swine flu.
I already have the swine flu.
I'm worried about the turtle flu.
The turtle flu? Turtle flu.
Turtle flu.
Joan, this whole Pawnee Sun story is "gotcha journalism" at its worst.
Honey, let's just keep our private life in the bedroom where it belongs.
We do not have a private life! Stop saying that we have a private life! The fact is, we never slept together, and if we did, you would have proof, and we would have seen it by now.
Councilman? I can prove it.
She has a mole on her right buttock.
What? That is a total lie.
You've never seen my butt.
What are you talking about? He has never seen my butt.
Well, I guess it's your word against his.
That's right.
Fine.
Here, Joan.
Why don't you look for yourself? Is this happening? Wait.
There's no mole.
There is no mole.
This exclusive story, there is no mole on Miss Knope! I can't believe it's come to this.
This is utterly humiliating.
Well, Councilman? Care to make a comment about No-Mole-Gate? Yes.
I really didn't think that Miss Knope would pull down her pants on TV, but since she did, I will admit that the rumors of our affair are indeed false.
Thank you.
However, I have no plans to resign.
Oh, great.
Okay, Councilman.
You know what? You're a class act.
Thank you.
I thought you did great.
When you get all feisty like that, it gets my heart racing.
Like I'm on a Stairmaster, except more, like, in a sexual Context.
I can't go to San Diego with you.
My life is here.
My friends, my career.
I guess I just thought with everything that happened, you'd want a fresh start.
I know.
I really care about you, Dave.
I just I love this town.
I'm sorry.
You want your ticket back? No.
You know what? Keep it.
You may want to come visit me, right? There's a $75 change fee, but I could pay you that, or I could reimburse you.
There's a lot of ways we could handle that.
Oh! Oh! That's Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
Hey! Honey.
Honey, I'm so proud of you.
Leslie Knope! That took guts, mooning Joan Callamezzo! Aw! Honey! Thanks, Mom.
Oh, God! Is something wrong with the tree? No.
Nothing wrong.
But it's almost 9:00.
It should've been lighted up an hour ago.
We waited for you.
Okay, everybody.
Count down.
Five! Four! Five! Four! Three! Two! Three! Two! One! Yeah! One! Yeah! It's gotten a lot harder to work in government.
You think Winston Churchill ever had to pull his pants down and show his butt? No.
But would he have? Yes.
Now, could he have? Well, maybe not towards the end of his life, but he would have.
Because he loved his job.
Reggie Wayne! Dude! You remembered me complaining about my computer bag! Do you like it? Yeah, it's perfect.
It's way better than the gift that I got you.
It's Pacers tickets.
Oh! They're not even good seats! Ugh.
This is awesome! It's not awesome.
I actually got you a second gift.
You don't have to come to this game with me.
You don't have to.
That's the nicest gift anybody's ever Is that good? Gotten me in my life! Yes! Is that good? Come here.
Oh, thank God! There's a bunch of messages waiting for you about a bunch of things I don't understand.
Hi, this is Leslie Knope in the Parks Department.