Peacemaker (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

1 (EGG CRACKS) (FORLORN MUSIC PLAYING) (GRINDING) (EAGLY SQUAWKS) (SQUAWKS) (SIGHS) (EAGLY SQUAWKS) - (BURPS) - (EAGLY SQUAWKS) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (SLURPING) (SQUAWKING QUIETLY) (CONTINUES SQUAWKING) (SCREECHES) (CHILDREN TALKING INDISTINCTLY) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (EAGLY SQUAWKING) (EXCITED SQUAWKING) Good Eagly.
(CHIRPS) It's very meaningful to me, but no.
- (SQUAWKS) - No.
(CHUCKLES) I'm not gonna eat it.
You can have it, though.
(SQUAWKS GENTLY) Yeah.
Yeah, I know, I saw.
(SQUAWKING) Love you too, buddy.
- (CHATTERS QUIETLY) - (MUSIC CONCLUDES) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) (WHISPERING) Fuck.
(KNOCKING) - Hey.
- Are you avoiding my calls? No.
No, not at all.
I I was working, and I just, um, thought it'd be too late to call back, is all.
(SIGHS) But I have to go to work now - Lee.
- though.
I'm, uh - Keeya, I'm sorry.
- Are you in danger? No, not at all.
Okay, then why don't I come back? Not yet, okay? I have to go.
Hey, you know, babe, we both lost our jobs.
- (SIGHS) - And I I appreciate you taking this work for a couple months to get us back on our feet, even though you didn't want to.
But right now it seems like you're choosing this.
I'm not.
But I really do have to go work.
(SMOOCHES) (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (DOOR CLOSES) - (KEYS RATTLING) - (PHONE CHIMES) (SIGHS) (PHONE CHIMES) (MUSIC FADES) - (WHOOSHING SOUND EFFECTS) - A year ago, Alan Kupperberg, the billionaire CEO of Waresoft, and pop singer Vandalia perished in a plane crash.
During their autopsies, small insect-like winged creatures, presumably extraterrestrial, were found in their skulls.
This is when we first became aware of the butterflies.
- (WHOOSHING SOUND EFFECT) - CLEMSON MURN: Since then, we've found the creatures in a handful of high-profile politicians, celebrities - (WHOOSHING SOUND EFFECTS) - and titans of industry.
They enter the human body through one of its orifices and burrow through to the brain - (BEEPING SOUND EFFECTS) - where they then are in control of the body.
They go through the butt? I think that's just some, uh creativity on the part of whomever did the animation.
(SIGHS) The butt is an orifice, okay? That means they'd have to crawl through poop.
Just 'cause they're aliens doesn't make them gross.
Bigotry.
Superman's an alien.
He's got a poop fetish.
- (LOUDLY) What? - Get the fuck out of here.
PEACEMAKER: Oh, yeah.
He uber-liebes the old scheisse, as I understand it.
Where do you get this nonsense? - Google.
- Well, it's not true.
You know more than Google? Well, congratulations.
MURN: The butterflies' unique genetic structure and chemistry interact with the hosts' bodies, giving them strength far beyond that of a human being.
And what's the chimp for? Chimpanzees have four times the strength of human beings, so they're both strong.
Yeah, and we're supposed to get that just by looking at this, Dye-Beard? I thought that man and the chimp were friends.
I was thinking they were about to go on an adventure together.
This viscous amber fluid has been found on the premises of all the dead butterflies.
Lab studies show the fluid's genetic structure is dissimilar to anything on this planet.
The fluid seems to be the butterflies' only food source.
Which makes what Leota discovered last night - potentially significant.
- (WHOOSHING SOUND EFFECT) This was on the bulletin board in the Goff home.
Leota noticed that this is also where Annie Sturphausen was employed.
- (EXPLOSION BOOMS) - (PEACEMAKER LAUGHS LOUDLY) You fucking suck at PowerPoint, Dye-Beard! Yeah, well, you can do it next time.
It's not like I enjoy doing this.
Yeah, you do! (CHUCKLES) It's amazing, the incredible amount of time you put into this presentation, and how incredibly shitty it still is! - (LAUGHS) - Okay, Peacemaker, shut up.
Dude, I didn't mean to put your father in prison.
Then why'd you put him there, you fat fuck? Because I couldn't think of anybody else What about Ariana Grande, or Drake? - What? - Brad Pitt, or Payne Stewart, or Doug the Pug? Khloe Kardashian, the Red Tiger from Voltron, Fran Tarkenton, - Joe Montana, Joe Mantegna - What the fuck? Eddie Murphy, Michael Jordan, Michael B.
Jordan, BTS? - Eugene Levy? John Lovitz? - Fuck, dude, half Shut the fuck up and listen, man.
I'm giving you a list of people you could've done.
Danny DeVito, Will Ferrell, Howard Stern, Baba Booey, Robin Ophelia Quivers, Alice Cooper, Ozzy Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne.
- (CHUCKLES) - Bill Cosby, he just got out, he's got time on his hands! Amy Winehouse Dude, Amy Winehouse is fucking dead! Optimus Prime, Shipwreck, Cobra Commander, the fucking cunts from Riverdale! All right, next time I fucking have to frame somebody, it'll be one of all those fucking thousands of people you just mentioned.
- Yeah, tell that to my dad.
- Peacemaker, shut the fuck up! Do you all want to be here till tomorrow? Do you have cable? So, I don't want to stay here overnight if there's no cable.
- It was a rhetorical question.
- Fargo's on tonight.
Oh, okay.
Well then, I change my answer to just ignoring the question.
Not another word.
The point is the raw amber fluid is potentially processed and bottled at Glan Tai Bottling Company.
Glan Tai is in Little Cork, about two hours northwest of here, so you all are gonna take a field trip and see what you can find out.
I'm going to stay back and deal with the White Dragon situation.
Nice penmanship, asshole.
And Fargo's not on till tomorrow night, - you fucking nerd.
- (VIGILANTE LAUGHS) Do ya really wanna do ya really wanna taste it? ("DO YA WANNA TASTE IT" BY WIG WAM PLAYING) - Get it on - Get on top - Make a move extreme - Make a pose Take a shortcut to your dreams I float straight to the stars on that flying thing - Getting high - Getting brave Getting snow blind - Game - Set, go Pick a tune, chick harpoon in a world beyond Got a beat, got a heat on a phony string - Tear your world apart - Once the magic starts Do ya really wanna do ya really wanna taste it? What's going up must come down Do ya really wanna do ya really wanna taste it? Baby, you're losing ground Blind to what you'll soon become The mirror lies the whole world's wrong - But you - (GUNSHOT) Dancing with your blinkers on Throw your dog the invisible bone Do ya really wanna do ya really wanna taste it? What's going up must come down Do ya really wanna do ya really wanna taste it? Baby, you're losing ground Blind to what you'll soon become The mirror lies The whole world's wrong but you Dancing with your blinkers on Throw your dog the invisible bone - (MUSIC CONCLUDES) - (EAGLY SCREECHES) - (METAL CLINKING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (LOCK CLANKING) - (DOOR ALARM BUZZES) SOPHIE SONG: What do you want, Smith? Heard you were harassing the guards, asking for me all night.
I didn't kill that girl.
- Yeah, so you said.
- So they all always say.
Yeah, but "they" can't prove it, now, can they, Lucy Liu? Lucy Liu? Because we're both Asian? How incredibly fucking clever.
What should I call you? Jimmy Fallon? See, the problem is we impounded the car that was there that night.
That ain't my car.
Registration says otherwise, Guy Fieri.
And we have two eyewitnesses who said that you kidnapped them.
Well, they're fucking lying.
And your fingerprints, Blake Shelton, are all over the murder victim's apartment.
I'm running out of white guys.
Just take my prints.
That's all I'm saying, okay? Check and see if they match those ones you found in the apartment, or if someone's gaming the system, 'cause I didn't fucking do it.
Then who did? My shithead fucking son.
You know you don't have to treat him like that.
- What? - John! You hurt his feelings.
He worked hard on those graphics.
Come on, I think maybe you're discounting how funny some of the shit I was saying was.
It's not funny calling him Dye-Beard for the thousandth time when he's told you repeatedly - he doesn't like it.
- That's just Peacemaker, man.
He's always giving people nicknames.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
- Being a bully's just - part of his personality.
- What? Like how you used to call my brother Prince Charming.
Your brother was a handsome man.
That was a compliment.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that I don't think he considered it a compliment that you called him Prince Charming because his penis was shaped like a scepter.
Are you kidding? No, it was really bulbous at the end.
- He called me Thimble.
- Thimble? VIGILANTE: Yeah, I was a late bloomer.
I didn't go through puberty until my mid-20s.
I mean, I didn't care 'cause I don't have emotions like people do, but the other guys, after Chris came up with a nickname for them, usually based on their penises, they would just walk into the other room and sob, because that would become their name for the rest of their life.
Why are you seeing their penises? It's a locker room, dude.
What am I gonna do? Look at a towel? So you just stare at each other's dicks and come up with names for them? Yeah.
My friend Veiny McVeinerstein said I was like a gypsy, but with dicks instead of palms.
- But, hey, I got bullied too.
- How? By kids calling me a bully all the time, - and telling me I was abusive.
- (CLICKS TONGUE) PEACEMAKER: Hey, that hurt my feelings! Plus, I think we're missing what's important here, and that's how much Economos sucks at PowerPoint.
Look, just think about how you talk to him, okay? (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) What happened to the good old days where you could just non-stop fuck with somebody without them claiming to be a victim? You have to admit, it was kind of sweet how he wanted that monkey and that man to be friends.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) - You want me to get these to the lab? - Uh, hold off a beat.
First, scan them and send them directly to me.
How do we scan fingerprints? I don't know, take a picture with your phone.
Uh well, it might be blurry because I don't have that new phone with the macro setting.
Then borrow someone's phone that has macro.
And then have them AirDrop it to me? Uh, yeah, I I will have them AirDrop it to me.
(SIGHS) We could get flagged for that, Soph.
I do like your people's noodles.
You got that.
Rice-based, not heavy on the carbs like the wops'.
Well, I'm glad I invented them, then.
("FIGHT SONG" BY SISTER SIN PLAYING) Fucking game day, bitches! (MUSIC CONTINUES) Fuck you, fuck them and fuck the world too - (MUSIC STOPS) - All right, that's enough! I can't take it.
Not a fan of the Swedish metal there, - eh, Harcourt? - Not especially, no.
We could always do a Whitesnake power ballad.
- How about some jazz? - Jazz? I'd rather listen to Vigilante's quiet farts back there - than jazz.
- VIGILANTE: No, I didn't! (IMITATES FART SOUNDS) Bloop.
Bloop-bloop-bloop-bloop.
(BABBLES) - What's that? - Jazz.
(CHUCKLES) Oh my god, get the fuck out of here, man.
VIGILANTE: Hey, don't we need some sort of search warrant - going into this place? - Anytime anyone officially starts to deal with the butterfly situation, someone higher up in the government shuts them down.
Which is why this task force doesn't officially exist.
Waller is funding us by secretly diverting funds from other operations, which leaves us on our own.
So, it's just the five of us against an alien invasion? - And Murn.
- Well, I was counting Murn, just not Dye-Beard back there 'cause he's fucking useless.
Dude.
What'd I say? (SIGHS) Sorry, Economos.
Geez.
That sounded very sincere, thank you very much.
Yes, it's just the six of us.
Ooh, we could do some pop metal.
Poison? Are those men? I believe their preferred pronoun is "long live rock", and you are sounding awful awesome-phobic.
Uh, B.
T.
-dubs governmental insiders blocking your efforts sounds a lot like the deep state.
It's not a deep state.
It's a collection of people you know, deep within the government, who are manipulating the (EXHALES DEEPLY) All right, it's kind of like a deep state.
You guys got any Hanoi Rocks up there? - You know Hanoi Rocks? - Who's Hanoi Rocks? Only the greatest band of all time.
They're the original glam metal.
They started it all leather, teased hair, spandex Hard to believe their contributions to culture aren't more widely heralded.
LEOTA ADEBAYO: I mean, so many streets in this country named after Martin Luther King Jr.
, but not a single Hanoi Rocks Avenue.
What's up with that? - VIGILANTE: "Lith Street Kids"? - No, it says "11th Street Kids".
Dude, that's one of their best songs! Yeah.
I saw them in Finland when I was 14 during a year abroad.
Got this right after.
Fuck yeah, dude.
Hanoi Rocks it is.
Sorry, Adebayo, no Spyro Gyra or Kenny G for you.
("11TH STREET KIDS" BY HANOI ROCKS PLAYING) Well, accidents happen about everyday But that day was special followed by a heat wave - What a shame.
We're here.
- (MUSIC STOPS) (KNOCKING AT WINDOW) (GUN CLICKING) (SCOFFS) Who knocks on a window when there's a door right there? Well, you've come a far way from the jungles of Nyasir.
Yeah and all the people you slaughtered there.
Oh, please.
Like you were some angel.
I've changed since then.
(SIGHS) Waller said you needed my help.
Situation is delicate.
It requires something other than your usual sledgehammer.
Well, these days, Murn, I'm I'm barely ball-peen.
I'll take care of you.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Hey.
("SICK ADRENALINE" BY THE CRUEL INTENTIONS PLAYING) Fuck me.
Come on.
Where are we going? To talk to those supposed witnesses.
- (KNOCKING) - (MUSIC STOPS) Hey Detective.
They made us do it! We were afraid for our lives! AMBER: Evan, you fucking pussy! (EVAN SIGHS) Yeah, that's him.
I don't think that's the guy.
Amber.
Now is not the time to lie, all right? Fuck.
EVAN: He was a pretty nice guy, all things considered.
We didn't wanna get him in trouble.
And the one that you got in there now is some sort of Nazi, right? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) But how did somebody switch the fingerprints around? So we're gonna free the damn White Dragon? We have no choice.
We have to if we're gonna arrest his son.
(GUN COCKS) All right, that might be overkill.
I fought these butterflies before, remember? We're not even sure they're in there.
Just take your pistol.
I finger bang you, I'm not using my pinky.
ADEBAYO: That's a disgusting phrase.
You're just saying that 'cause lesbians don't finger bang.
We finger bang more than the rest of the world combined.
Okay, you're right.
I just forgot women had fingers for a second, okay? (SCOFFS) How do you think we grab things? - Not in life, in sex.
- Oh, so you just thought women's fingers just fell off during sex? I don't know! I wasn't thinking, okay? - Clearly.
- Hey, what's the new helmet for? - (CHAINSAW REVVING) - EMILIA HARCOURT: No! VIGILANTE: (LAUGHS) What? You're not taking that in there.
VIGILANTE: I can't hear you! This thing's so fucking loud! - (CHAINSAW STOPS) - You're not bringing that.
VIGILANTE: Hey, I agree with Peacemaker.
We can't go in there unprepared.
We don't even know that there are butterflies in there.
VIGILANTE: Oh, come on, please? Ah, fuck! I'm never, ever gonna kill someone with a fucking chainsaw.
It's so not fair.
Total fucking bullshit.
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (WHISPERING) Fuck.
- (LAUGHS) - (SIGHS) Vigilante, you're with me.
We'll check the bays around back.
Peacemaker, you and Adebayo question the employees in the front office, find out what you can.
VIGILANTE: Hey, what was ro-sham-bo for? Nothing.
- Don't do anything stupid.
- No problem.
- And I'll ask the questions.
- Fine by me.
You're definitely gonna be chill? I'm fucking chill, dude.
Jesus, relax.
- (SCOFFS) - Quit freaking out.
- Activate X-ray vision.
- (HELMET WHIRS) - Hey, how you doing? - Okay.
How are you? - (GUNSHOT) - (ADEBAYO SHRIEKS) - (GUNSHOT) - (ADEBAYO SCREAMS) (GUNSHOTS) (SHOUTING) What the fuck? X-ray vision.
I can see in their brains.
- (BUTTERFLY CHITTERING) - (GUNSHOT) Fuck.
You didn't think to give me some sort of signal? Yeah, the signal was I shot her head off.
You said you were gonna be chill.
Do I not look chill to you right now? (ADEBAYO SCOFFS) ADEBAYO: (OVER RADIO) So, yeah, we got an issue.
The place is crawling with butterflies.
Holy shit.
- (VEHICLE ENGINES RUMBLING) - (WORKERS CLAMORING) (MACHINERY BEEPING) (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (WORKER 1 SHOUTING INSTRUCTIONS) (WORKER 2 SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) (BREATHES HEAVILY) (DISTANT CLATTERING) That shit they eat there's literally a thousand boxes of it in here.
(OVER RADIO) This could be the distribution hub for the whole country.
Great.
I'm also wondering if there's a whole lot more butterflies than we thought.
ADEBAYO: Copy.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) (GUNSHOT) VIGILANTE: (WHISPERING) Hey, check it out.
(MUSIC INTENSIFIES) (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) (SHOTGUN BLAST) (GUNSHOT) - (SHOTGUN BLAST) - (GUNSHOT) You don't have to shoot people after I already killed them.
Right.
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) (MACHINERY CLATTERING) (LIQUID FLOWING) - Oh, shit.
- (SCREECHES) - (GLASS SHATTERS) - (WORKERS SCREECHING) (GUNFIRE) (SCREECHES) (CLAMORING) - (SCREECHING) - (HEAVY THUD) (POUNDING) (HEAVY THUDS) There's a factory behind the warehouse, and some butterflies have trapped us inside of some sort of (BANGING ON DOOR) computer room.
Copy.
We're on our way.
HARCOURT: (OVER RADIO) Be careful.
(GUN COCKS) (SHOTGUN BLAST) (GROANING) Your friends are with Charlie.
- They won't last long.
- Who's Charlie? - Our guardian angel.
- Looks like he's been slacking.
(SHOTGUN BLAST) (MUTTERING) Oh, I was just uh (HEAVY POUNDING) (KEYBOARD CLACKING) - (SCREECHING) - (POUNDING CONTINUES) (GROWLING) - VIGILANTE: Whoa.
- There's a fucking - (VIGILANTE GRUNTS) - (YELLS) (CRASHING, GROWLING ON RADIO) Harcourt, do you do you copy? Vigilante? (WHISPERING) There.
(WORKERS SCREECHING) - Hold this.
- Okay.
I'm through fucking around.
Shit.
Yo, what the hell is that? It's a grenade I tied to a Russian tank shell.
Why not just the grenade? A grenade blows up, like, two people.
How many people does this blow up? I don't know.
I invented it this morning.
- What? - (PIN CLATTERS) (GRUNTS) Eat peace, motherfuckers! - (SCREECHING) - Let's go! - (SCREAMS) - (EXPLOSION) (YELLING) (VAN RATTLES) Harcourt? Adebayo? Anyone? Are you are you all right? (RADIO STATIC) You guys? (RADIO STATIC) Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! (GRUNTS) Deactivate X-ray vision.
- (HELMET WHIRS) - (ADEBAYO GROANS) "Run, Adebayo" would have been appreciated! Oh, really? I need to tell you to run from a fucking bomb? (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ADEBAYO: Gorilla! - (ROARS) - Oh, no.
Fuck! - (GORILLA ROARS) - (GRUNTS) - (GUNSHOTS) - (GRUNTS) - (HARCOURT GASPS) - (CRASHING) - (GROWLING) - (GUNSHOTS) (VIGILANTE GRUNTS) (HOWLS) (GRUNTING) - (GORILLA ROARS) - (CLATTERING) Die, human! - (WHIMPERS) - (CHAINSAW REVVING) (ROARING IN PAIN) (CHAINSAW REVVING) (CHAINSAW STOPS) (GROANS) Economos? (BREATHES HEAVILY) Yeah.
- You fucking stud! - Yeah yeah yeah, I am.
- (LAUGHS) - I'm I'm a fucking stud! ("11TH STREET KIDS" BY HANOI ROCKS PLAYS) (LAUGHS) (SINGING ALONG) Accidents happen about every day But that day was special followed by a heat wave Rush hour just began and I ran for my life (SONG CONTINUES PLAYING) I can't afford to miss the bus Or I'll go and miss all the fuss Harcourt! Not bad, huh? I'm gonna meet the boys and Suzy Yeah, not bad.
I just can't miss her tonight And I'm so hot (JOHN ECONOMOS LAUGHING) Gee, I'm so hot (LAUGHTER) Dude! You fucking killed a gorilla with a chainsaw! - Who fucking does that? - You motherfucker! You do! VIGILANTE: Maybe next gorilla.
(LAUGHS) - (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) - PEACEMAKER: You motherfucker! And give her a great big kiss Motherfucker! You corrupt motherfuckers! I didn't do it, and you fucking know it! - Fucking bitch! - What's going on? He was just told he's not getting out of jail.
- What a shame, huh? - What are you talking about? They got his fingerprint results back from the lab.
They match the prints at the crime scene.
SONG: You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Captain, what the hell is going on? - What? - Where's Captain Miele? Oh, the mayor wasn't pleased with her performance around the Sturphausen murder, so I'm replacing her.
Captain Locke.
(SIGHS) All right.
Uh, okay.
I'm sure you're not up to speed on what's been happening.
Oh, I'm pretty much up to speed.
All right.
Well, I just heard that the prints for Auggie Smith were double-checked and they came back a match.
But I saw the prints for myself.
He was right, they don't match.
- And you are? - Sophie Song, sir.
Detective Song, are you a forensic print analyst? - What? - Do you have an expertise in analyzing fingerprints that people here don't know about? Perhaps a forensics degree you didn't want to share with the department for fear it would give you an unfair advantage? No, I don't have any of those things.
Well, then I don't see how you'd In addition to that, two witnesses admitted that they were lying, and they identified Christopher Smith, Peacemaker, not his father, as the man who kidnapped them.
August Smith controls the Aryan Empire.
Would this be the first time they coerced someone into changing their testimony? August Smith is being framed.
I know he's a bad guy, but that Detective Song, you strike me as one of those uptight gals who pushes herself too hard to prove the men don't have one up on her.
- What? - We get it.
You're good.
You take the rest of the night off, give yourself a well-deserved rest.
- I don't need a rest - It wasn't a request, Detective.
(CELLPHONE VIBRATING) - Hello.
- CASPAR LOCKE: It's done.
Good.
(VEHICLE APPROACHING) Also, I don't mean to brag, sir, but it becomes a brag just by saying it, we defeated a gorilla! Technically, I think it was a super-gorilla, since we pulled a butterfly out of its brain.
No, definitely a super-gorilla.
Last time I fought a gorilla was at Burning Man four years ago.
This was significantly weaker.
So we guess this means butterflies can use any life form as a host.
- Chihuahua? - Probably wouldn't fit.
(CHUCKLING) Would be cool, though.
That wouldn't be cool at all.
Why would that be cool? You tell me.
- It wouldn't be.
- There's your answer.
(LAUGHS) Well, this is good work.
We're gonna need to sort through this and see what we can find.
Importantly, we want to see if we can trace where the raw amber fluid originally came from.
Finding the source of the butterflies' food may be key to defeating them.
But that can wait until tomorrow.
You all have earned a rest.
- HARCOURT: Yeah.
- Boom.
We cool? Yeah.
("THE BOTH OF US" BY HOUSE OF LORDS PLAYING) - (LAUGHING) - Ah, the EconoGOAT killed it! - Good game.
- Yeah.
I mean, it would've been a lot cooler if Economos came in and he was like, "Hey!" and then he tossed me the chainsaw across the room, and I'm like, "Solid toss, bro", and then I killed the gorilla.
What are you talking about, man? I had just said how much I wanted to kill someone with a chainsaw, like, 15 minutes earlier, and then Economos just coincidentally comes in and kills someone with one? I mean, it kinda seems like he was trying to fuck with me a little.
Fuckin' Thimble.
- (KNOCKING) - (MUSIC CONCLUDES) You sure this is a good idea, Soph? This new Captain, Locke, he won't do the right thing.
So fuck it, fuck him, I'll go over his head.
I know this judge.
We can trust him.
- Well, what's his name? - It's Judy.
- What? - Judge Judy? That's his name? Yeah.
Judge William Judy.
It's a Swiss surname.
- Whatever.
- He's fair.
We can trust him.
So you said.
And, also, he's my uncle.
(DOOR OPENING) Hey, sweetie.
Hey, Uncle Will.
(SIGHS) We need a search warrant.
You ever heard of a guy named Peacemaker? Come on in.
("11TH STREET KIDS" BY HANOI ROCK PLAYING) (PHONE DINGS) Well, accidents happen about everyday And that day was special followed by a heat wave Rush hour just began - (PHONE PINGS) - (NOTIFICATION CHIMES) And I ran for my life I can't afford to miss the bus Or I'll go and miss all the fuss 'Cause this time it's a must I'm gonna meet the boys and Suzy (CHUCKLES) I just can't miss her tonight (PHONE BEEPS) And I'm so hot gee, I'm so hot (PHONE NOTIFICATION WHISTLES) (PHONE NOTIFICATION WHISTLES) Well, is she tight? Is she in need of a lover like me? And there she is now (PHONE NOTIFICATION WHISTLES) I gotta go and give her a great big kiss (MUSIC STOPS) - Vigilante.
- Oh, man.
He loves that merman emoji.
(CHUCKLES) He says it means happy, sad, and everything in between.
Well, doesn't that make for a useless emoji, then? - (LAUGHING) Yeah, that's what I said.
- ADEBAYO: Yeah.
- He says it's holistic.
(LAUGHS) - (ADEBAYO SCOFFS) Oh, fuck.
We'll call you sometime tomorrow.
We gotta go through a lot of computer equipment and see if we can extract something useful.
It's gonna take a while.
What? Come in a minute, grab a drink.
- I'm not gonna grab a drink.
- What do you mean? Come on! I wanna celebrate.
Uh Are you gonna try to fuck me by claiming your dick's a lesbian or some shit? Dude, I think that gorilla broke my dick.
(SNICKERS) But I just wanna say, my dick is a lesbian, by the way.
It's just not applicable in this situation.
(GROANS) ("HOW COME IT NEVER RAINS" BY THE DOGS D'AMOUR PLAYING) ADEBAYO: Nice crib you got here.
(SINGING) Guns N' Roses - Greatest albums of all time.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh ADEBAYO: This you and your brother? Yeah.
Keith.
And this, this is a the Peace Train.
It is gin, vermouth, vinegar, peppercorn, a little maple syrup, - and some yak butter.
- Yak butter? Hard to find in Evergreen, so I had to use normal butter, but - For you.
- (GLASSES CLINK) Oh, my God.
- (EAGLY SCREECHES) - Oh, God! Oh - (SPITS) What the fuck, man? - That's rude.
(SCOFFS) What's rude is you giving me a feces drink! C'mon, it's not that bad.
(EAGLY CHIRPING) (PEACEMAKER SNIFFS, GULPS) - Yum.
- Do you just have a beer? - Mm, you and Harcourt? - Yeah.
Hell, Chris, I don't know.
Look, I doubt that you and her are a possibility, but, hey, you never know She digs me.
She called me handsome.
- She did? - Oh, yeah.
- How? - Hmm? What? Tell me the context, like, exactly how did she say that you were handsome? Okay.
Okay, so she says (CLEARS THROAT) - I'm quoting here.
- Okay.
(EXHALES) "Just because you're handsome".
That's how she ended it? - What? - That's not even a sentence.
Well, um She said, uh "Just because you're handsome, you think you can do whatever you want".
Right "Even though you're a piece-of-shit murderer".
(SNICKERS) Yeah, man, I I - Maybe she'll come around.
- Yeah? Just be nice to her.
But not overly nice, because she won't like that.
And don't talk about her tits and her pussy.
Yeah, but what about when we're fucking? That's what I'm talking about, you just getting way ahead of yourself.
Right.
Look, dude, you you really aren't a bad guy.
You just use being a dick as a way to push people away, but if you would just take take a second and just drop that and be Chris Smith, I think people actually might like you.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) What? I just never had this before.
(SNIFFLES) - What? - This, you you know, giving me advice and having my back.
Yeah.
Well, we've all had each other's back today, right? - (CHUCKLES) - Yeah.
It's like a real team out there.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) The 11th Street Kids (CLICKS TONGUE) we roll like that.
Yeah.
I just never thought I'd (SNIFFLES) (EXHALES) I gotta take a piss.
(CLEARS THROAT) (DOOR SHUTS) (URINATING) - (URINATION CONTINUES) - PEACEMAKER: Sorry! Thin walls.
Oh, yeah.
No no worries.
("FALLEN STAR" BY HANOI ROCKS PLAYING) (URINATION CONTINUES) Oh, fuck.
I've been drinking quite a lot lately (TOILET FLUSHING) Don't forget to wash your hands! Times do change and we must rearrange our lives with it I'd like to send you a postcard But still don't know your address Don't remember your name - (PHONE RINGING) - (SIGHS) It's funny how your face is still in my eyes Yeah, I, uh I'm sorry, babe, I I know you're asleep, but, uh, I'm sorry about this morning.
Uh This job, it it This thing is fucking me up and I, um (SIGHS) Anyway, I I love you.
And I will I'll talk to you tomorrow.
(SNIFFLES) - (SIGHS) - (THUNDER RUMBLES) Fuck! (MUSIC CONTINUES) Why are you here? Couldn't sleep.
(GROANS) - Activate X-ray vision.
- (HELMET WHIRS) (BREATHES HEAVILY) (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) Whoa.
Oh, shit.
(LAUGHING) What the fuck? Yo, Mister Murn, this is crazy! You gotta check this (DISCORDANT TONE) - (GASPS) - (GROWLS) (SCREAMS) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) (ADEBAYO GRUNTS) - (GROWLS) - (YELPS) (WHIMPERS) ("THE HUMAN PARADOX" BY DYNAZTY PLAYING) Welcome to my attraction One step in the wrong direction One choice is all you have to make One ride and the world is ours to take You're treading a thin red line When you're trying to read my mind In here the world ain't black or white No rules apply no wrongs or rights Can you really tell me what is right or wrong When they're two sides of the same coin Viewed in different ways the Human Paradox Step right into pandemonium welcome to my delirium My Human Paradox the Human Paradox (MUSIC CONCLUDES) Mariska Hargitay, Mario, Super Mario.
Fucking Luigi! Yoshi, the princess, Bert, Ernie, Grover, Snuffleupagus, Burger King, Grimace, Ronald McDonald, the two old guys from the balcony in the Muppets, Jim Morrison, any one of the fucking Beatles! - Pete Best? George Carlin.
- Dead! Danny Glover, Mel Gibson, Ice-T, Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice! Elvis fucking Presley.
Priscilla Presley.
Seth Meyers! What about Seth Meyers? Or for that matter, Jay Leno? Conan's not really doing much right now.
All right, most of those, you're right, could probably go to prison.
But I would never put Ariana Grande in there! - She looks too innocent.
- Possibly true! Possibly.
(WINGS FLUTTERING)