Pie In The Sky (1994) s01e01 Episode Script
The Best of Both Worlds
1 S01xE01 The Best of Both Worlds" March 13, 1994 MAN: What exactly is in that sandwich? MAN: Don´t know, boss.
The wife buys it.
It´s sort of cheese spread with prawns or something.
You want one? No, thank you.
I thought you liked your food.
Exactly, Pinkney, I like my food.
Pass the binoculars, Mike.
Thanks.
PINKNEY: I don´t know, boss.
The wife buys it.
Oh, he´s all right.
He´s still got acne.
How can he be married? We were all young once.
Even you, boss.
Yes, but I never resembled, in any way, shape, or form, Detective Constable Dean Pinkney.
Now, that I can believe.
Anything? There´s some wild garlic growing round here somewhere.
That nose! It´s wasted in this job.
Not for much longer.
When´s the big day? Seven weeks, three days, and eight hours.
You know what the worst thing about being a policeman is, Mike? The worst thing about being a policeman PINKNEY: Tango Victor Golf.
Suspect vehicle just pulled off the London Road! Headlights.
Yeah, I can see them now.
Something´s wrong! He´s getting away! Let´s get after him! Come on! He´s sussed us, boss.
Dean-O, start the car.
Come on, let´s go! BOSS: No, no, you go ahead.
I´ll wait here.
Come on! Boss, what are you playing at? Tell me what you think.
Chardonnay grape.
New World.
Australian, perhaps.
Not bad.
New Zealand, actually.
Cloudy Bay, ´92.
I thought it might slip down rather well with this excellent prosciutto di Parma.
I prefer a red wine with Parma ham, myself.
You´re everything they say about you, Inspector Crabbe.
What? And all we need now is some pepper.
I´ve done my research, you see.
Always know your enemy.
Thank you.
Well, I´m glad we´ve finally met, because we´ve got a lot in common, haven´t we? Good food, fine wine, we appreciate quality.
And you know as well as I do that you can´t learn that.
It´s instinctive.
It´s a gift.
I mean, you can learn the price of things, but the the value will remain a mystery.
And you know something else we´ve got in common? We don´t suffer fools gladly, which must make life very difficult for you, because you´re surrounded by them, aren´t you? I mean, how do you tolerate them? I deeply resent it, you know, having to skulk in this rat hole like some tin-pot villain.
I love my country, Crabbe, and you´re the one who´s forcing me to leave it.
You shouldn´t get upset when you´re eating.
It´s very bad for your digestion.
Yes, quite right.
I do apologize.
I won´t get anything like the face value, of course.
I´ll be lucky to clear 3.
5, 4 million.
That´s a lot of money.
Well, of course it is, and it´s a drop in the ocean.
Either way, it isn´t yours.
Have some prosciutto.
Have some wine.
Look nobody got bashed on the head.
Nobody died, nobody suffered, and nobody will.
Well, maybe there´ll be an extra penny on a couple of million insurance policies.
So what? It´s painless crap, victimless.
Do you know what the worst thing about being a policeman is? The worst thing about being a policeman For God´s sake, man, for once in your life, do the sensible thing walk away.
Here, look.
Enjoy your retirement.
You deserve it.
Dudley Hooperman, I´m arresting you on suspicion of theft.
You have the right to remain silent, but anything you do say may be used in evidence against you.
You´re a bit of a disappointment, Crabbe.
Ah! Damn, not that, Hooperman! Oh, I´m sorry I´m late, Henry.
The Drummonds are in a twist about their VAT again.
How are you? Awful.
Lunch today was lamb chops Creole.
Being shot was infinitely preferable.
The trouble with butcher´s shops is, they´re always freezing.
I´ve got your sandwiches in here somewhere.
Did you phone the solicitors? I had to go through six months´ accounts in the back of a shop with a cold store door open half the time.
Margaret, did you phone the solicitors? Yes.
And? We can exchange contracts next week.
Fantastic.
Fantastic! I had this sort of, you know, wild notion there might be some smoked salmon in here.
I put lots in.
Can´t you find it? It´s supposed to be a sandwich, not a treasure hunt.
Henry, the restaurant business is notoriously risky.
As an investment, it is a complete nightmare.
You´re better off putting the whole lot on the favorite at the Grand National.
Are you speaking as my accountant or my wife? Both.
Look this is the last straw.
I want to get out now while I´ve still got all my limbs and enough life left to do something else.
It would have to be cooking.
You make it sound perverted.
Oh, I´m sorry, Henry, you know how I feel about food it´s just fuel, as far as I´m concerned.
I really don´t mind what I eat, as long as it keeps me on my feet.
I´ve got to go I´ve got a client waiting.
Margaret the restaurant really is a huge gamble.
I mean, if you´re really dead set against it, we´ll pull out.
No, no.
You´re determined to go ahead with it.
So, okay, let´s do it.
Just don´t expect me to jump up and down with excitement.
Bye, darling.
Bye, Margaret.
Thanks, Margaret.
Five minutes.
Five minutes what, sir? I will only be five minutes, Constable.
Of course.
Could you give us a couple of minutes, please? Give a shout if you need anything.
Thanks.
Well, this is a pleasant surprise, sir.
How´s the leg? Well, it´s pretty good.
The bullet missed just about everything of importance and ended up in the calf muscle, which, as you can imagine, is a bit of a challenge, in my case.
Good, glad to hear you´re on the mend.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, no need for the "sir" when it´s just the two of us.
We should be able to talk as friends, despite the difference in rank.
I hear you´ve put in your resignation.
Yes.
May I ask why? Well, just had enough, that´s all.
Been a policeman for 25 years.
That´s a quarter of a century.
On top of which, I´m really not built for dodging bullets.
I make far too big a target.
I´m the youngest Assistant Chief Constable in the county, you know.
A lot of pressure comes with that particular territory.
You have to learn quickly, think on your feet.
I´m talking about social skills, Henry.
Really? Yeah.
The promotion has given me a new perspective.
The higher up the rung you are, the clearer the view.
And what can you see? I see two young men who joined the force at the same time.
Two young men with identical ambitions, keen as hell to be bloody good coppers, Henry.
Yes, and now one of them is Assistant Chief Constable and the other is a mere Detective Inspector.
That´s the bottom line, yeah? Yes well, obviously I never got the hang of this job.
I always thought it was about catching criminals.
I didn´t realize the real work was done on the golf course or at the rugby club or in the lodge.
Well, I´m too big for golf, I´m far too slow for rugby, and I only ever wear an apron when I´m cooking.
I came here to talk to you as a friend, and all you do is trot out the same sort of flippant, insubordinate rubbish - that´s held you back all these years.
- Sorry, sir.
I think you ought to know, there´s going to be an internal inquiry into the Hooperman fiasco.
I see.
I wonder if you do.
We had him right there, in the palm of our hand, and still he got away.
Do you realize how much work went into that operation? Well, of course I do.
I did it.
My God, criminy! WOMAN: Sir? The Chief Constable is on the car phone, sir.
Right.
You´re Inspector Crabbe, aren´t you? I´m afraid so, yes.
I´ve heard a lot about you, sir.
Oh, dear.
You´re a bit of a legend.
People still talk about how you put the Musgrave brothers away.
I was a Detective Constable in those days, a mere cog in the wheel.
I´ve heard about your cooking, too.
Apparently, your steak-and-kidney pie is addictive.
They say it should be on the list of banned substances.
Well, now, that´s a rumor I won´t deny.
I must go.
Get well soon, sir.
Tell me, Constable, how does a person of your undoubted abilities come to be driving Freddy Fisher around? Just good luck, I suppose, sir.
I suppose Jean-Marie is going back to France? Jean-Marie´s real name is Gerald, and he´s scurried back to Dunstable.
This is the third time I´ve been here, and I get more discouraged every time.
I mean, look at this place.
But it´s the location that counts, Margaret.
I´ve checked out the demography and the topography, I´ve sampled the competition.
I´ve even counted how many posh cars there are in the station car park.
There´s no such thing as a dead cert in the restaurant business, Margaret, but this is about as good as we´re going to get.
All right, if this is such a good location, what happened to Gerald of Dunstable? "Les fruits de mer Jean-Marie a symphony of seafood in a piquant Pernod sauce.
" Need I say more? Obviously people around here are familiar with Crabbe´s Law.
"Avoid menus that use musical terminology.
" Avoid menus altogether, if you ask me.
Why, it´s much too small.
It´s completely the wrong shape.
Everything is in the wrong place.
But, but none of that matters.
Because here we have the pièce de résistance the jewel in the crown.
Looks remarkably like an oven to me.
Oh, you don´t understand, Margaret.
This thing has got a personality, a life of its own.
You´ve got to woo it, charm it, find out about its little quirks.
Takes time and patience, but once you win it over, it´ll do anything you want.
Well, I´m very happy for both of you.
I´m also very happy we don´t have to buy a new one.
I don´t think you realize how short of cash we´re going to be, even with a bank loan.
We´re going to have to lease equipment wherever possible a freezer, for example, food blenders, coffee machine.
You see? You´re taking an interest.
It´s only because I don´t want us to go bankrupt.
I´m an accountant, for heaven´s sake.
What would my clients say? Right, I´m going upstairs to do some measuring.
Are you coming? No, you go on.
I´ll come up in a minute.
Hello, Mike.
Come in, come in.
I saw your car outside.
Well, well.
Got potential, has it, boss? Oh, I hope so, yes.
How´s the leg been? Oh, great, terrific.
That´s good news.
Yeah come in, come in, sit down.
You´re a long way from the nick, aren´t you? Yeah, we´ve been doing door-to-door in Ilkworth.
No, you haven´t.
You´ve been catching up on your paperwork.
What? No, no Yes, you´ve got correcting fluid on your hands, you see.
You can keep no secrets from me, Mike Skinner.
So, what have you come all the way out here for? I thought you ought to know they´re going ape about Hooperman.
Oh, I know.
Freddy Fisher came to see me in hospital.
Steam was coming out of his ears.
He needs a scapegoat, and I´m going to be it, right? It was good of you to come and warn me.
You don´t seem very upset, boss.
I´ll be a free man soon.
Freddy Fisher can´t touch me then.
This is my world now.
The bathroom´s microscopic, Henry, I don´t know how you´re going to manage.
Oh, hello, Mike.
Hello, Mrs.
Crabbe.
I was just saying to Mike, why doesn´t he come home with us for supper? SKINNER: No, no.
I promised Debs I´ll be home for tea.
There´s something in the oven I think you might like.
Don´t do this to me.
MARGARET: Leave the poor man alone, Henry.
It´s a steak-and-kidney pie.
Oh, God.
Oh, yes.
Actually, I haven´t tried this variation for ages.
I had some rough Burgundy left over, you see.
So I seared the steak with a little beef drippings, then added flour Honestly, I think you prefer talking about it to anything else.
This is the bit I like.
Oh, I think you´ve cracked it this time.
This could be a 10.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
I´m a ruined man, Mrs.
Crabbe.
Totally corrupted.
How so, Mike? Well, when I met your husband, I was a normal bloke with normal habits.
I´m talking about food, of course.
What else? If it wasn´t fried, it wasn´t worth eating.
And I was getting through a bottle of ketchup a day.
My idea of a culinary treat was a night on the lager, followed by two prawn vindaloos.
Not while we´re eating, Mike, please.
Then he came along.
You know what I did the other day? I went in the shop, and I bought a bottle of extra virgin olive oil.
It was terrible.
I couldn´t help myself.
Sad.
Very sad.
Mmm! It´s a winner.
One of the best.
Margaret, you´re not eating.
Oh, I´m sorry, Henry.
Not very hungry.
I had a bar of chocolate earlier.
There´s only one person who´s completely immune to my cooking, and that´s the person I´m married to.
I´ve tried everything, believe me.
I must be taste-blind or something.
Oh, but I haven´t given up.
I´ll get you in the end.
Everyone has their price and everyone has their dish.
Isn´t that right, Mike? You said it, boss.
And one day, I´ll find yours, and then we´ll see.
Damn it.
Blast.
There´s something I´ve got to tell you, Margaret.
It´s about Dudley Hooperman.
What about Dudley Hooperman? He took my pepper mill.
What, the silver one you carry around? Yeah.
Margaret gave it to me when we got married.
That´s That´s absolutely outrageous! He stole it? Well, he´s a thief that´s what he does.
Thanks, boss, that was great.
Well, it´s nice to cook for somebody who actually eats.
Don´t forget, on the opening night, there will be a meal on the house.
I´ll hold you to that.
The restaurant, what are you going to call it? Pie in the Sky.
Back in the land of the living, eh, boss? If this is the land of the living, Pinkney, what are you doing here? You going in with the Heavy Mob? I am being interviewed, Pinkney, yes.
They had me in for 10 minutes.
No sweat.
How very reassuring.
Where´s Mike Skinner? Sick.
Flu or something.
Chief Inspector Hopkins will see you now, sir.
Ah, thank you, Constable.
And after that, Mr.
Fisher wants a word.
Perfect.
If I might explain, Inspector Crabbe, you´re not here as an accused officer at this stage, but as a witness.
Our intention this afternoon is to take down your statement as accurately as possible.
And that means every detail.
Do you understand? Yes, I understand, sir.
Two things struck me as odd.
First, the car hit the airfield at high speed and didn´t slow down.
Actually, it accelerated.
Secondly, when it turned, I noticed the exhaust emission.
It was white vapor.
And what did you deduce from these observations, Inspector? The speed of the car suggested the driver had no intention of stopping on the airfield at all.
The white fumes suggested that the engine was cold.
Now, we knew from information that Hooperman was coming up from London.
But that car couldn´t have traveled more than a couple of miles, so it was unlikely that he was in it.
That´s when it occurred to me that the car was probably a decoy, last minute bit of insurance in case anyone was watching.
And that´s when you realized that Hooperman was already on the airfield.
No, that´s when I realized that he might be on the airfield.
So, you sent DS Skinner and DC Pinkney off in pursuit of the vehicle and went off after Hooperman all on your own? Sort of.
He poured a glass of wine and invited me to taste it.
There was a bit of prosciutto on the table.
He asked me to sit down.
I could see his briefcase on the floor.
Prosciutto or di Parma was it? Just put "ham.
" So you sat down and had a glass of wine with the man before arresting him, did you? Very friendly touch, that.
Very civilized.
Yeah, so civilized he shot me in the leg.
Yes, I was reading the surgeon´s report.
"The bullet entered the gastrocknemius" Gastrocnemius.
"The calf muscle "at a downward angle of about 45 degrees, "missing the tibia and causing only minor bruising to the peroneal nerve.
" The surgeon said, "The bullet caused minimal damage.
I couldn´t have placed it better myself.
" What are you suggesting, I shot myself having consulted a textbook on anatomy to minimize the injury? Now, there´s a thought.
I´m withdrawing your application to resign, Crabbe.
Why, sir? You´re suspended from duty for health reasons until further notice.
You can hardly resign while you´re suspended, can you? I don´t understand.
I played golf with the Chief Constable yesterday.
He´s worried, Crabbe.
Very worried indeed.
There´s a crisis of confidence in the police at the moment.
Unsafe convictions, wrongful arrests, allegations of misconduct, and now the Hooperman fiasco.
The press are having a field day.
Well, think about it.
Hooperman walks away and what happens? The investigating officer retires and opens a restaurant.
How the bloody hell do you think that looks? So your retirement goes on hold, Inspector, until the inquiry is over, which may be some time because this is going to be a rigorous and comprehensive inquiry, believe you me.
Today was just the overture.
Cambridge will drive you home.
So, how come I get a lift in the Assistant Chief Constable´s car? He asked me to assess your state of mind in the light of recent developments.
My state of mind? Ha ha ha ha ha! So what shall I tell him, sir? Tell him I´m over the moon.
Tell him I´m sick as a parrot.
Tell him anything you think will annoy him the most.
Ah! Here we are.
Pull in just there, would you? Here we are! Sorrel! It´s like spinach, only better! Sweat some onions in butter.
Add sorrel, cook it down.
Then add water or stock season.
Toward the end, you stir in a little cream or the yolks of a couple of eggs Sorrel soup.
Fisher was the investigating officer on the Musgrave investigation, wasn´t he, sir? I looked it up.
In fact, over the years, he´s done pretty well out of you, hasn´t he, sir? Or cook the sorrel down to a puree, serve it with soft-boiled eggs.
Maybe that´s why he doesn´t want to let you go.
Well, I´m going whether he likes it or not.
To hell with this thing.
Oh, damn! Agh! Oh! And there´s nothing Fisher can do to stop me.
I´m assuming no, I´m praying it´s a mistake.
But there´s a man out there who wants to deliver something.
Oh, they weren´t supposed to deliver this till next week.
I´m sorry, Margaret.
I was going to tell you.
This is the last straw! But I wasn´t planning on having many.
A few white leghorns, maybe.
Some Welsummers.
Buff cochins, perhaps.
Unbelievable.
Those are the ones with the feathery legs, as if they´re wearing little trousers.
They´re really rather attractive.
But the main thing is we´ll be able to use our own eggs in the kitchen.
A hen house?! Right! If these chickens lay as many eggs as you claim, I estimate the cost of production per egg over the first 12 months is £2, 67p.
Honestly, accountants.
And as for that hen house, at that price, we ought to live in it.
You think everything can be reduced to a column of figures, don´t you? I mean, how do you put a price on black plumage with a greenish Or the close relationship that can develop between bird and man, eh, eh? I thought chickens were extremely stupid.
Look, after Detective Constable Dean Pinkney, it will be like a Mensa conference.
Is everything all right at work? Fine.
Fine.
What about this inquiry business? Oh, that´s just some nonsense drummed up by Freddy Fisher for the benefit of the chief constable.
So, you´re not in any sort of trouble then? Certainly not, Margaret.
What an extraordinary suggestion.
Don´t make them like this anymore.
No, they don´t.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
FISHER: Yes, we must face up to the fact that the police force in a post-industrial society must redefine the parameters of its functions.
Serving the public in the fullest sense of the word requires constant self-appraisal of the most vigorous kind.
And after our service, we must learn to interact with our public.
Margaret! I don´t think the television survived the move! And it´s the same with the salad stuff.
Just get on a dog and bone first thing, and I´ll tell you what´s good.
Anything you don´t like the look of, just send it back.
Oh, good.
Now, what about potatoes? My raison d´être, as it happens.
Ha ha ha.
Um, right.
Jersey Royals, when in season, of course.
Of course.
Maris Piper for chips and roast, although I like Pentland Dell for roast if possible.
No problem.
Ah.
and King Edwards for mashing.
Like a bit of mashed, do you? Oh, it´s one of my obsessions, I´m afraid.
You ever try Colcannon? It´s mashed potatoes and cabbage with spring onions and a little cream and butter.
Eating in restaurants goes against my principles, but I´m getting to like the sound of yours.
Ha ha.
Ready to give it all up? Oh, hang on, I want Margaret to see this.
Margaret! Would you care to join us, Mr.
Henderson? Wouldn´t want to miss this.
Cheers.
Here you are.
Okay, right.
We have liftoff.
Ha ha! Cheers! Oh, come along, chaps.
Help yourselves.
Good luck.
To your health.
- Cheers.
- And cheers.
Definitely something familiar about you.
Something in the eyes.
Yes.
That strange mixture of complete stupidity and naked ambition.
I think I´ll call you Fisher.
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING ON RADIO.]
MARGARET: Henry?! Are you there?! Henry, the first of your cooks is here! Chefs, Margaret! We call them chefs! I can hear music.
Yes.
- Elgar.
- Yes.
Henry, it is coming from the chicken shed! I thought a little light English pastoral might help them settle in.
And then I worked at the Grande with a brigade of 60.
Michele relied very heavily on me.
So, you´re what, chef de partie or a commis chef? No, I did everything.
So, you could cook a steak and kidney pie? Steak and kidney pie? That´s a joke, right? MAN: Well, steak and kidney pie? Well, what we did at my last place was we used to make a big batch of stew, you know, enough to last a week.
Then we´d dollop it in the individual pie dishes and bosh it into the microwave.
We popped a pastry lid on, you know, for the real pie effect.
You can buy the pastry lids frozen, you know.
You feeling all right, mate? It was a total party! I was there for at least a month.
But the manager Complete prat! Always on me! So, I walked.
Lee, you´ve had 10 jobs in six months.
Oh, I don´t know.
I might have missed a couple.
That´s Alexis Soyer, isn´t it? You know about Soyer? Oh, yeah, he was a famous chef at the Reform Club.
Set up soup kitchens for the poor in his time off.
He went to the Crimea.
Invented the field kitchen.
He nursed Florence Nightingale when she got cholera.
I tried to make his reform sauce once.
Made a right pig´s ear.
You worked at the Mill.
Yeah, my girlfriend was waitressing there.
I talked my way into the kitchen.
It was great for a bit, but then the boss sold up, and the new bloke, well, you know, it was not my scene.
He was always buying job-lots of frozen duck à l´orange.
So, what would you say if I asked you to cook me a steak and kidney pie? I´d say yeah.
You´d have to wait till tomorrow because I usually marinate the steak overnight in Guinness.
Ox kidneys or veal? Ox definitely.
We´ve met before, haven´t we? Steven Turner.
Oh! Could only happen to me.
The crime rate trebled around here when you were breaking and entering.
Not anymore.
I got a job in the kitchen while I were inside.
I started cooking and thought, "Hold up, I´m good at this.
" That´s all I want to do now.
And your girlfriend is a waitress.
Was a waitress.
Well, I better show you the kitchen then, hadn´t I? I´m sorry I´m late.
I had to go to the wine merchants.
- Hope you didn´t go berserk? - Certainly not.
It will be the shortest wine list in catering history.
Mike Skinner phoned.
Oh, what did he want? He wants you to meet him at the Copthorne Hotel as soon as possible.
He said it was urgent.
Gin and tonic, please.
No ice, no slice.
There you are, you old so-and-so.
It´s my shout.
What´s your poison? Garcon! So, how´s tricks, Henry, me old mate? Please don´t think I´m being rude, but who the hell are you? Ha ha.
Is that the time? I don´t think I can wait for that drink.
Ha ha ha.
Best wishes from Mr.
Hooperman.
Hooperman! Sorry.
I´m sorry.
I´m so sorry.
Excuse me, sir.
I´ll take the envelop if you don´t mind, sir.
It´s all right.
No problem.
The bills are part of a batch stolen in the city last year.
CRABBE: Yes, I´m sure they are.
You say you had a phone call from DS Skinner.
My wife took the call.
DS Skinner was with us all day, and he didn´t make any calls.
Obviously, DS Skinner didn´t make the call.
Who was it then? Whoever was setting me up.
Crabbe, if you haven´t already done so, I´d advise you to contact your solicitor.
In other words, there´s a chance we may not open at all.
How long it will be before I know one way or the other I can´t tell you.
So, if you two want to start looking for work elsewhere, it´s fine by me.
We´re not leaving yet.
We´ve only just got here.
Oh, hello.
Hello, Debbie.
Is Mike in? No, he isn´t.
Oh, do you know where he is? I´ve got to talk to him.
He´s at the golf club.
Some stag night.
Thanks, Debbie.
Tell him to get his arse back here, will you, Inspector? [MEN CHEERING, DANCE BAND PLAYING.]
You shouldn´t have come here, boss.
It´s a private party.
I got to talk to you! Come on.
So what do you want to talk about? I need your help, Mike.
What can I do? Look there´s a lot of sympathy for you.
You´re a good copper, but you never got what you deserved.
So you went for the dosh, had a bit of unofficial compensation, but it didn´t work.
They caught you at it, boss.
You blew it.
End of story.
Still you got your bloody pepper mill back.
When they picked me up, they didn´t find the pepper mill.
They weren´t looking for it.
All they were interested in were those treasury bills.
The only people that know I got the pepper mill back were Hooperman and whoever was working for him.
What´s that supposed to mean? It´s a classic case of denial.
If you´re saying what I think you´re saying, I bloody deny it, all right.
No, I´m talking about myself.
I´ve known there was something up with you a long time ago.
I just couldn´t face it, that´s all.
I didn´t want to know.
That´s another reason I´m not fit for this job anymore.
It was you, Mike.
It´s too late, boss.
It won´t wash.
You´re just going to have to grin and bear it.
I´m afraid not, Mike.
I´m going to come after you.
And you know what I´m like once I start, I won´t stop.
You stopped ages ago, boss.
Face it.
CRABBE: What was it like, Mike? Coming to my house, eating my food what did it feel like? It didn´t spoil your appetite, did it? Oh, there you are.
What´s going on? Where´s Maltby and Hopkins? Packed up and gone.
The inquiry is closed.
I don´t understand.
Well, actually, this Skinner business changes things somewhat.
What Skinner business? DS Skinner was killed in a car crash last night.
His car left the road at high speed and hit a tree.
He was drunk.
Poor Mike.
Not so poor, it transpired.
Cash and treasury bills were found at his house.
He had various deposit accounts.
All in, well over £50,000.
DCI Hopkins is convinced you were conspiring with Skinner.
But I managed to persuade him to leave you out of it.
I had to fight tooth and nail for you, Crabbe.
Of course, these are serious ramifications concerning your retirement situation.
Retirement? What about my retirement? Oh, it´s out of the question at the moment, obviously.
Carry on with your plans, open your cafe or whatever.
But, sir You´ll have to put it in Margaret´s name, of course.
All I ask in return is that you find time for me now and then.
Time for you? When I need you.
And what if I can´t find time for you? There will be great pressure on me to reopen the inquiry.
The evidence in your case is is very incriminating.
I´m not sure how long I could resist that pressure.
You´re the winner in this, Henry.
You get the best of both worlds.
Pie in the Sky! ALL: Pie in the Sky! Cheers! Do you know what the worst thing about being a policeman is? The worst thing about being a policeman
The wife buys it.
It´s sort of cheese spread with prawns or something.
You want one? No, thank you.
I thought you liked your food.
Exactly, Pinkney, I like my food.
Pass the binoculars, Mike.
Thanks.
PINKNEY: I don´t know, boss.
The wife buys it.
Oh, he´s all right.
He´s still got acne.
How can he be married? We were all young once.
Even you, boss.
Yes, but I never resembled, in any way, shape, or form, Detective Constable Dean Pinkney.
Now, that I can believe.
Anything? There´s some wild garlic growing round here somewhere.
That nose! It´s wasted in this job.
Not for much longer.
When´s the big day? Seven weeks, three days, and eight hours.
You know what the worst thing about being a policeman is, Mike? The worst thing about being a policeman PINKNEY: Tango Victor Golf.
Suspect vehicle just pulled off the London Road! Headlights.
Yeah, I can see them now.
Something´s wrong! He´s getting away! Let´s get after him! Come on! He´s sussed us, boss.
Dean-O, start the car.
Come on, let´s go! BOSS: No, no, you go ahead.
I´ll wait here.
Come on! Boss, what are you playing at? Tell me what you think.
Chardonnay grape.
New World.
Australian, perhaps.
Not bad.
New Zealand, actually.
Cloudy Bay, ´92.
I thought it might slip down rather well with this excellent prosciutto di Parma.
I prefer a red wine with Parma ham, myself.
You´re everything they say about you, Inspector Crabbe.
What? And all we need now is some pepper.
I´ve done my research, you see.
Always know your enemy.
Thank you.
Well, I´m glad we´ve finally met, because we´ve got a lot in common, haven´t we? Good food, fine wine, we appreciate quality.
And you know as well as I do that you can´t learn that.
It´s instinctive.
It´s a gift.
I mean, you can learn the price of things, but the the value will remain a mystery.
And you know something else we´ve got in common? We don´t suffer fools gladly, which must make life very difficult for you, because you´re surrounded by them, aren´t you? I mean, how do you tolerate them? I deeply resent it, you know, having to skulk in this rat hole like some tin-pot villain.
I love my country, Crabbe, and you´re the one who´s forcing me to leave it.
You shouldn´t get upset when you´re eating.
It´s very bad for your digestion.
Yes, quite right.
I do apologize.
I won´t get anything like the face value, of course.
I´ll be lucky to clear 3.
5, 4 million.
That´s a lot of money.
Well, of course it is, and it´s a drop in the ocean.
Either way, it isn´t yours.
Have some prosciutto.
Have some wine.
Look nobody got bashed on the head.
Nobody died, nobody suffered, and nobody will.
Well, maybe there´ll be an extra penny on a couple of million insurance policies.
So what? It´s painless crap, victimless.
Do you know what the worst thing about being a policeman is? The worst thing about being a policeman For God´s sake, man, for once in your life, do the sensible thing walk away.
Here, look.
Enjoy your retirement.
You deserve it.
Dudley Hooperman, I´m arresting you on suspicion of theft.
You have the right to remain silent, but anything you do say may be used in evidence against you.
You´re a bit of a disappointment, Crabbe.
Ah! Damn, not that, Hooperman! Oh, I´m sorry I´m late, Henry.
The Drummonds are in a twist about their VAT again.
How are you? Awful.
Lunch today was lamb chops Creole.
Being shot was infinitely preferable.
The trouble with butcher´s shops is, they´re always freezing.
I´ve got your sandwiches in here somewhere.
Did you phone the solicitors? I had to go through six months´ accounts in the back of a shop with a cold store door open half the time.
Margaret, did you phone the solicitors? Yes.
And? We can exchange contracts next week.
Fantastic.
Fantastic! I had this sort of, you know, wild notion there might be some smoked salmon in here.
I put lots in.
Can´t you find it? It´s supposed to be a sandwich, not a treasure hunt.
Henry, the restaurant business is notoriously risky.
As an investment, it is a complete nightmare.
You´re better off putting the whole lot on the favorite at the Grand National.
Are you speaking as my accountant or my wife? Both.
Look this is the last straw.
I want to get out now while I´ve still got all my limbs and enough life left to do something else.
It would have to be cooking.
You make it sound perverted.
Oh, I´m sorry, Henry, you know how I feel about food it´s just fuel, as far as I´m concerned.
I really don´t mind what I eat, as long as it keeps me on my feet.
I´ve got to go I´ve got a client waiting.
Margaret the restaurant really is a huge gamble.
I mean, if you´re really dead set against it, we´ll pull out.
No, no.
You´re determined to go ahead with it.
So, okay, let´s do it.
Just don´t expect me to jump up and down with excitement.
Bye, darling.
Bye, Margaret.
Thanks, Margaret.
Five minutes.
Five minutes what, sir? I will only be five minutes, Constable.
Of course.
Could you give us a couple of minutes, please? Give a shout if you need anything.
Thanks.
Well, this is a pleasant surprise, sir.
How´s the leg? Well, it´s pretty good.
The bullet missed just about everything of importance and ended up in the calf muscle, which, as you can imagine, is a bit of a challenge, in my case.
Good, glad to hear you´re on the mend.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, no need for the "sir" when it´s just the two of us.
We should be able to talk as friends, despite the difference in rank.
I hear you´ve put in your resignation.
Yes.
May I ask why? Well, just had enough, that´s all.
Been a policeman for 25 years.
That´s a quarter of a century.
On top of which, I´m really not built for dodging bullets.
I make far too big a target.
I´m the youngest Assistant Chief Constable in the county, you know.
A lot of pressure comes with that particular territory.
You have to learn quickly, think on your feet.
I´m talking about social skills, Henry.
Really? Yeah.
The promotion has given me a new perspective.
The higher up the rung you are, the clearer the view.
And what can you see? I see two young men who joined the force at the same time.
Two young men with identical ambitions, keen as hell to be bloody good coppers, Henry.
Yes, and now one of them is Assistant Chief Constable and the other is a mere Detective Inspector.
That´s the bottom line, yeah? Yes well, obviously I never got the hang of this job.
I always thought it was about catching criminals.
I didn´t realize the real work was done on the golf course or at the rugby club or in the lodge.
Well, I´m too big for golf, I´m far too slow for rugby, and I only ever wear an apron when I´m cooking.
I came here to talk to you as a friend, and all you do is trot out the same sort of flippant, insubordinate rubbish - that´s held you back all these years.
- Sorry, sir.
I think you ought to know, there´s going to be an internal inquiry into the Hooperman fiasco.
I see.
I wonder if you do.
We had him right there, in the palm of our hand, and still he got away.
Do you realize how much work went into that operation? Well, of course I do.
I did it.
My God, criminy! WOMAN: Sir? The Chief Constable is on the car phone, sir.
Right.
You´re Inspector Crabbe, aren´t you? I´m afraid so, yes.
I´ve heard a lot about you, sir.
Oh, dear.
You´re a bit of a legend.
People still talk about how you put the Musgrave brothers away.
I was a Detective Constable in those days, a mere cog in the wheel.
I´ve heard about your cooking, too.
Apparently, your steak-and-kidney pie is addictive.
They say it should be on the list of banned substances.
Well, now, that´s a rumor I won´t deny.
I must go.
Get well soon, sir.
Tell me, Constable, how does a person of your undoubted abilities come to be driving Freddy Fisher around? Just good luck, I suppose, sir.
I suppose Jean-Marie is going back to France? Jean-Marie´s real name is Gerald, and he´s scurried back to Dunstable.
This is the third time I´ve been here, and I get more discouraged every time.
I mean, look at this place.
But it´s the location that counts, Margaret.
I´ve checked out the demography and the topography, I´ve sampled the competition.
I´ve even counted how many posh cars there are in the station car park.
There´s no such thing as a dead cert in the restaurant business, Margaret, but this is about as good as we´re going to get.
All right, if this is such a good location, what happened to Gerald of Dunstable? "Les fruits de mer Jean-Marie a symphony of seafood in a piquant Pernod sauce.
" Need I say more? Obviously people around here are familiar with Crabbe´s Law.
"Avoid menus that use musical terminology.
" Avoid menus altogether, if you ask me.
Why, it´s much too small.
It´s completely the wrong shape.
Everything is in the wrong place.
But, but none of that matters.
Because here we have the pièce de résistance the jewel in the crown.
Looks remarkably like an oven to me.
Oh, you don´t understand, Margaret.
This thing has got a personality, a life of its own.
You´ve got to woo it, charm it, find out about its little quirks.
Takes time and patience, but once you win it over, it´ll do anything you want.
Well, I´m very happy for both of you.
I´m also very happy we don´t have to buy a new one.
I don´t think you realize how short of cash we´re going to be, even with a bank loan.
We´re going to have to lease equipment wherever possible a freezer, for example, food blenders, coffee machine.
You see? You´re taking an interest.
It´s only because I don´t want us to go bankrupt.
I´m an accountant, for heaven´s sake.
What would my clients say? Right, I´m going upstairs to do some measuring.
Are you coming? No, you go on.
I´ll come up in a minute.
Hello, Mike.
Come in, come in.
I saw your car outside.
Well, well.
Got potential, has it, boss? Oh, I hope so, yes.
How´s the leg been? Oh, great, terrific.
That´s good news.
Yeah come in, come in, sit down.
You´re a long way from the nick, aren´t you? Yeah, we´ve been doing door-to-door in Ilkworth.
No, you haven´t.
You´ve been catching up on your paperwork.
What? No, no Yes, you´ve got correcting fluid on your hands, you see.
You can keep no secrets from me, Mike Skinner.
So, what have you come all the way out here for? I thought you ought to know they´re going ape about Hooperman.
Oh, I know.
Freddy Fisher came to see me in hospital.
Steam was coming out of his ears.
He needs a scapegoat, and I´m going to be it, right? It was good of you to come and warn me.
You don´t seem very upset, boss.
I´ll be a free man soon.
Freddy Fisher can´t touch me then.
This is my world now.
The bathroom´s microscopic, Henry, I don´t know how you´re going to manage.
Oh, hello, Mike.
Hello, Mrs.
Crabbe.
I was just saying to Mike, why doesn´t he come home with us for supper? SKINNER: No, no.
I promised Debs I´ll be home for tea.
There´s something in the oven I think you might like.
Don´t do this to me.
MARGARET: Leave the poor man alone, Henry.
It´s a steak-and-kidney pie.
Oh, God.
Oh, yes.
Actually, I haven´t tried this variation for ages.
I had some rough Burgundy left over, you see.
So I seared the steak with a little beef drippings, then added flour Honestly, I think you prefer talking about it to anything else.
This is the bit I like.
Oh, I think you´ve cracked it this time.
This could be a 10.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
I´m a ruined man, Mrs.
Crabbe.
Totally corrupted.
How so, Mike? Well, when I met your husband, I was a normal bloke with normal habits.
I´m talking about food, of course.
What else? If it wasn´t fried, it wasn´t worth eating.
And I was getting through a bottle of ketchup a day.
My idea of a culinary treat was a night on the lager, followed by two prawn vindaloos.
Not while we´re eating, Mike, please.
Then he came along.
You know what I did the other day? I went in the shop, and I bought a bottle of extra virgin olive oil.
It was terrible.
I couldn´t help myself.
Sad.
Very sad.
Mmm! It´s a winner.
One of the best.
Margaret, you´re not eating.
Oh, I´m sorry, Henry.
Not very hungry.
I had a bar of chocolate earlier.
There´s only one person who´s completely immune to my cooking, and that´s the person I´m married to.
I´ve tried everything, believe me.
I must be taste-blind or something.
Oh, but I haven´t given up.
I´ll get you in the end.
Everyone has their price and everyone has their dish.
Isn´t that right, Mike? You said it, boss.
And one day, I´ll find yours, and then we´ll see.
Damn it.
Blast.
There´s something I´ve got to tell you, Margaret.
It´s about Dudley Hooperman.
What about Dudley Hooperman? He took my pepper mill.
What, the silver one you carry around? Yeah.
Margaret gave it to me when we got married.
That´s That´s absolutely outrageous! He stole it? Well, he´s a thief that´s what he does.
Thanks, boss, that was great.
Well, it´s nice to cook for somebody who actually eats.
Don´t forget, on the opening night, there will be a meal on the house.
I´ll hold you to that.
The restaurant, what are you going to call it? Pie in the Sky.
Back in the land of the living, eh, boss? If this is the land of the living, Pinkney, what are you doing here? You going in with the Heavy Mob? I am being interviewed, Pinkney, yes.
They had me in for 10 minutes.
No sweat.
How very reassuring.
Where´s Mike Skinner? Sick.
Flu or something.
Chief Inspector Hopkins will see you now, sir.
Ah, thank you, Constable.
And after that, Mr.
Fisher wants a word.
Perfect.
If I might explain, Inspector Crabbe, you´re not here as an accused officer at this stage, but as a witness.
Our intention this afternoon is to take down your statement as accurately as possible.
And that means every detail.
Do you understand? Yes, I understand, sir.
Two things struck me as odd.
First, the car hit the airfield at high speed and didn´t slow down.
Actually, it accelerated.
Secondly, when it turned, I noticed the exhaust emission.
It was white vapor.
And what did you deduce from these observations, Inspector? The speed of the car suggested the driver had no intention of stopping on the airfield at all.
The white fumes suggested that the engine was cold.
Now, we knew from information that Hooperman was coming up from London.
But that car couldn´t have traveled more than a couple of miles, so it was unlikely that he was in it.
That´s when it occurred to me that the car was probably a decoy, last minute bit of insurance in case anyone was watching.
And that´s when you realized that Hooperman was already on the airfield.
No, that´s when I realized that he might be on the airfield.
So, you sent DS Skinner and DC Pinkney off in pursuit of the vehicle and went off after Hooperman all on your own? Sort of.
He poured a glass of wine and invited me to taste it.
There was a bit of prosciutto on the table.
He asked me to sit down.
I could see his briefcase on the floor.
Prosciutto or di Parma was it? Just put "ham.
" So you sat down and had a glass of wine with the man before arresting him, did you? Very friendly touch, that.
Very civilized.
Yeah, so civilized he shot me in the leg.
Yes, I was reading the surgeon´s report.
"The bullet entered the gastrocknemius" Gastrocnemius.
"The calf muscle "at a downward angle of about 45 degrees, "missing the tibia and causing only minor bruising to the peroneal nerve.
" The surgeon said, "The bullet caused minimal damage.
I couldn´t have placed it better myself.
" What are you suggesting, I shot myself having consulted a textbook on anatomy to minimize the injury? Now, there´s a thought.
I´m withdrawing your application to resign, Crabbe.
Why, sir? You´re suspended from duty for health reasons until further notice.
You can hardly resign while you´re suspended, can you? I don´t understand.
I played golf with the Chief Constable yesterday.
He´s worried, Crabbe.
Very worried indeed.
There´s a crisis of confidence in the police at the moment.
Unsafe convictions, wrongful arrests, allegations of misconduct, and now the Hooperman fiasco.
The press are having a field day.
Well, think about it.
Hooperman walks away and what happens? The investigating officer retires and opens a restaurant.
How the bloody hell do you think that looks? So your retirement goes on hold, Inspector, until the inquiry is over, which may be some time because this is going to be a rigorous and comprehensive inquiry, believe you me.
Today was just the overture.
Cambridge will drive you home.
So, how come I get a lift in the Assistant Chief Constable´s car? He asked me to assess your state of mind in the light of recent developments.
My state of mind? Ha ha ha ha ha! So what shall I tell him, sir? Tell him I´m over the moon.
Tell him I´m sick as a parrot.
Tell him anything you think will annoy him the most.
Ah! Here we are.
Pull in just there, would you? Here we are! Sorrel! It´s like spinach, only better! Sweat some onions in butter.
Add sorrel, cook it down.
Then add water or stock season.
Toward the end, you stir in a little cream or the yolks of a couple of eggs Sorrel soup.
Fisher was the investigating officer on the Musgrave investigation, wasn´t he, sir? I looked it up.
In fact, over the years, he´s done pretty well out of you, hasn´t he, sir? Or cook the sorrel down to a puree, serve it with soft-boiled eggs.
Maybe that´s why he doesn´t want to let you go.
Well, I´m going whether he likes it or not.
To hell with this thing.
Oh, damn! Agh! Oh! And there´s nothing Fisher can do to stop me.
I´m assuming no, I´m praying it´s a mistake.
But there´s a man out there who wants to deliver something.
Oh, they weren´t supposed to deliver this till next week.
I´m sorry, Margaret.
I was going to tell you.
This is the last straw! But I wasn´t planning on having many.
A few white leghorns, maybe.
Some Welsummers.
Buff cochins, perhaps.
Unbelievable.
Those are the ones with the feathery legs, as if they´re wearing little trousers.
They´re really rather attractive.
But the main thing is we´ll be able to use our own eggs in the kitchen.
A hen house?! Right! If these chickens lay as many eggs as you claim, I estimate the cost of production per egg over the first 12 months is £2, 67p.
Honestly, accountants.
And as for that hen house, at that price, we ought to live in it.
You think everything can be reduced to a column of figures, don´t you? I mean, how do you put a price on black plumage with a greenish Or the close relationship that can develop between bird and man, eh, eh? I thought chickens were extremely stupid.
Look, after Detective Constable Dean Pinkney, it will be like a Mensa conference.
Is everything all right at work? Fine.
Fine.
What about this inquiry business? Oh, that´s just some nonsense drummed up by Freddy Fisher for the benefit of the chief constable.
So, you´re not in any sort of trouble then? Certainly not, Margaret.
What an extraordinary suggestion.
Don´t make them like this anymore.
No, they don´t.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
FISHER: Yes, we must face up to the fact that the police force in a post-industrial society must redefine the parameters of its functions.
Serving the public in the fullest sense of the word requires constant self-appraisal of the most vigorous kind.
And after our service, we must learn to interact with our public.
Margaret! I don´t think the television survived the move! And it´s the same with the salad stuff.
Just get on a dog and bone first thing, and I´ll tell you what´s good.
Anything you don´t like the look of, just send it back.
Oh, good.
Now, what about potatoes? My raison d´être, as it happens.
Ha ha ha.
Um, right.
Jersey Royals, when in season, of course.
Of course.
Maris Piper for chips and roast, although I like Pentland Dell for roast if possible.
No problem.
Ah.
and King Edwards for mashing.
Like a bit of mashed, do you? Oh, it´s one of my obsessions, I´m afraid.
You ever try Colcannon? It´s mashed potatoes and cabbage with spring onions and a little cream and butter.
Eating in restaurants goes against my principles, but I´m getting to like the sound of yours.
Ha ha.
Ready to give it all up? Oh, hang on, I want Margaret to see this.
Margaret! Would you care to join us, Mr.
Henderson? Wouldn´t want to miss this.
Cheers.
Here you are.
Okay, right.
We have liftoff.
Ha ha! Cheers! Oh, come along, chaps.
Help yourselves.
Good luck.
To your health.
- Cheers.
- And cheers.
Definitely something familiar about you.
Something in the eyes.
Yes.
That strange mixture of complete stupidity and naked ambition.
I think I´ll call you Fisher.
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING ON RADIO.]
MARGARET: Henry?! Are you there?! Henry, the first of your cooks is here! Chefs, Margaret! We call them chefs! I can hear music.
Yes.
- Elgar.
- Yes.
Henry, it is coming from the chicken shed! I thought a little light English pastoral might help them settle in.
And then I worked at the Grande with a brigade of 60.
Michele relied very heavily on me.
So, you´re what, chef de partie or a commis chef? No, I did everything.
So, you could cook a steak and kidney pie? Steak and kidney pie? That´s a joke, right? MAN: Well, steak and kidney pie? Well, what we did at my last place was we used to make a big batch of stew, you know, enough to last a week.
Then we´d dollop it in the individual pie dishes and bosh it into the microwave.
We popped a pastry lid on, you know, for the real pie effect.
You can buy the pastry lids frozen, you know.
You feeling all right, mate? It was a total party! I was there for at least a month.
But the manager Complete prat! Always on me! So, I walked.
Lee, you´ve had 10 jobs in six months.
Oh, I don´t know.
I might have missed a couple.
That´s Alexis Soyer, isn´t it? You know about Soyer? Oh, yeah, he was a famous chef at the Reform Club.
Set up soup kitchens for the poor in his time off.
He went to the Crimea.
Invented the field kitchen.
He nursed Florence Nightingale when she got cholera.
I tried to make his reform sauce once.
Made a right pig´s ear.
You worked at the Mill.
Yeah, my girlfriend was waitressing there.
I talked my way into the kitchen.
It was great for a bit, but then the boss sold up, and the new bloke, well, you know, it was not my scene.
He was always buying job-lots of frozen duck à l´orange.
So, what would you say if I asked you to cook me a steak and kidney pie? I´d say yeah.
You´d have to wait till tomorrow because I usually marinate the steak overnight in Guinness.
Ox kidneys or veal? Ox definitely.
We´ve met before, haven´t we? Steven Turner.
Oh! Could only happen to me.
The crime rate trebled around here when you were breaking and entering.
Not anymore.
I got a job in the kitchen while I were inside.
I started cooking and thought, "Hold up, I´m good at this.
" That´s all I want to do now.
And your girlfriend is a waitress.
Was a waitress.
Well, I better show you the kitchen then, hadn´t I? I´m sorry I´m late.
I had to go to the wine merchants.
- Hope you didn´t go berserk? - Certainly not.
It will be the shortest wine list in catering history.
Mike Skinner phoned.
Oh, what did he want? He wants you to meet him at the Copthorne Hotel as soon as possible.
He said it was urgent.
Gin and tonic, please.
No ice, no slice.
There you are, you old so-and-so.
It´s my shout.
What´s your poison? Garcon! So, how´s tricks, Henry, me old mate? Please don´t think I´m being rude, but who the hell are you? Ha ha.
Is that the time? I don´t think I can wait for that drink.
Ha ha ha.
Best wishes from Mr.
Hooperman.
Hooperman! Sorry.
I´m sorry.
I´m so sorry.
Excuse me, sir.
I´ll take the envelop if you don´t mind, sir.
It´s all right.
No problem.
The bills are part of a batch stolen in the city last year.
CRABBE: Yes, I´m sure they are.
You say you had a phone call from DS Skinner.
My wife took the call.
DS Skinner was with us all day, and he didn´t make any calls.
Obviously, DS Skinner didn´t make the call.
Who was it then? Whoever was setting me up.
Crabbe, if you haven´t already done so, I´d advise you to contact your solicitor.
In other words, there´s a chance we may not open at all.
How long it will be before I know one way or the other I can´t tell you.
So, if you two want to start looking for work elsewhere, it´s fine by me.
We´re not leaving yet.
We´ve only just got here.
Oh, hello.
Hello, Debbie.
Is Mike in? No, he isn´t.
Oh, do you know where he is? I´ve got to talk to him.
He´s at the golf club.
Some stag night.
Thanks, Debbie.
Tell him to get his arse back here, will you, Inspector? [MEN CHEERING, DANCE BAND PLAYING.]
You shouldn´t have come here, boss.
It´s a private party.
I got to talk to you! Come on.
So what do you want to talk about? I need your help, Mike.
What can I do? Look there´s a lot of sympathy for you.
You´re a good copper, but you never got what you deserved.
So you went for the dosh, had a bit of unofficial compensation, but it didn´t work.
They caught you at it, boss.
You blew it.
End of story.
Still you got your bloody pepper mill back.
When they picked me up, they didn´t find the pepper mill.
They weren´t looking for it.
All they were interested in were those treasury bills.
The only people that know I got the pepper mill back were Hooperman and whoever was working for him.
What´s that supposed to mean? It´s a classic case of denial.
If you´re saying what I think you´re saying, I bloody deny it, all right.
No, I´m talking about myself.
I´ve known there was something up with you a long time ago.
I just couldn´t face it, that´s all.
I didn´t want to know.
That´s another reason I´m not fit for this job anymore.
It was you, Mike.
It´s too late, boss.
It won´t wash.
You´re just going to have to grin and bear it.
I´m afraid not, Mike.
I´m going to come after you.
And you know what I´m like once I start, I won´t stop.
You stopped ages ago, boss.
Face it.
CRABBE: What was it like, Mike? Coming to my house, eating my food what did it feel like? It didn´t spoil your appetite, did it? Oh, there you are.
What´s going on? Where´s Maltby and Hopkins? Packed up and gone.
The inquiry is closed.
I don´t understand.
Well, actually, this Skinner business changes things somewhat.
What Skinner business? DS Skinner was killed in a car crash last night.
His car left the road at high speed and hit a tree.
He was drunk.
Poor Mike.
Not so poor, it transpired.
Cash and treasury bills were found at his house.
He had various deposit accounts.
All in, well over £50,000.
DCI Hopkins is convinced you were conspiring with Skinner.
But I managed to persuade him to leave you out of it.
I had to fight tooth and nail for you, Crabbe.
Of course, these are serious ramifications concerning your retirement situation.
Retirement? What about my retirement? Oh, it´s out of the question at the moment, obviously.
Carry on with your plans, open your cafe or whatever.
But, sir You´ll have to put it in Margaret´s name, of course.
All I ask in return is that you find time for me now and then.
Time for you? When I need you.
And what if I can´t find time for you? There will be great pressure on me to reopen the inquiry.
The evidence in your case is is very incriminating.
I´m not sure how long I could resist that pressure.
You´re the winner in this, Henry.
You get the best of both worlds.
Pie in the Sky! ALL: Pie in the Sky! Cheers! Do you know what the worst thing about being a policeman is? The worst thing about being a policeman