Pinky and the Brain (1995) s03e09 Episode Script

A Meticulous Analysis Of History

Gee, brain, What do you want to do tonight? The same thing we do every night, pinky-- Try to take over the world.
they're pinky and the brain yes, pinky and the brain one is a genius the other's insane they're laboratory mice their genes have been spliced they're dinky they're pinky and the brain brain, brain, brain brain, brain, brain, brain, brain before each night is done their plan will be unfurled by the dawning of the sun they'll take over the world they're pinky and the brain yes, pinky and the brain their twilight campaign is easy to explain to prove their mousy worth they'll overthrow the earth they're dinky they're pinky and the brain brain, brain, brain brain, brain, brain, brain Narf! warner bros.
[Chewing.]
What you doing, brain? Reading history, pinky.
Oh, i love doing that, But i always forget to buff the chrome.
That would be waxing the car, pinky.
That's different.
Oh.
Reading history doesn't make things shiny.
It edifies you And prepares you to confront The possibilities of destiny.
Did you know that every time your mouth moves, Strange sounds come out? Grrr! I'll explain this so that even you can understand.
[Music starts.]
through meticulous analysis of history i will find a way to make the people worship me by studying the conquerors of days gone by i'll discover the mistakes that made them go awry so that you can make the same mistakes, if you just try by studying the past so carefully i won't repeat the same mistakes of history you'll never make another mistake, you see 'cause you'll fall asleep from reading all that history Ooh! Pay attention, pinky.
when cleopatra reigned as queen with roman leaders she was often seen but when she had no ruling friend she found a poison snake to bite her in the end a bite down there i really wouldn't recommend i won't need world alliances when i'm commanding everyone's appliances oh, no, brain, that would really smart to be bitten on the bottom by a cuisinart hannibal, our book confirms tried conquering italy with pachyderms just why he failed, nobody tells but he never could get past the roman sentinels and he couldn't find his weapons in the peanut shells an elephant is not required if i can use the media to be admired the tv viewers you'll delight unless the network puts your show on sunday night attila was a mighty hun he ransacked asia minor just for fun but when he got to europe's banks he was routed by an army of heroic franks i like mine with sauerkraut and mustard, thanks why pillage like a criminal when i can send out messages subliminal? please send a message to that hun to see if he can pillage me a hot dog bun Oh! Zort! caligula was no boy scout he did things that we can't even talk about the romans knew he'd lost his head when he filled a vacant senate seat with mr.
Ed what's wrong with being friendly with a thoroughbred? why rule like such a reprobate when i can put the world in a hypnotic state? when everybody's in a trance you can make the people do a chicken dance [Turkey in the straw plays.]
Pinky, if you don't stop this foolishness, I shall have to hurt you.
[Nasally.]
ok.
in france, napoleon bonaparte thought beating austria was very smart but when he took on england, too he was beaten up by wellington at waterloo and now he's just a pastry filled with creamy goo why conquer with depravity? i'll win the world by undermining gravity and even if your plan falls through maybe they will name a pastry after you Whoa-Ah-Aah! from genghis khan to charlemagne from alexander down to tamburlaine i find a ruler's tragic flaw and gain a little wisdom out of each faux pas don't forget the former governor of arkansas that concludes my little rhyme i hope this lesson wasn't just a waste of time well, brain, i've learned that one thing's true every one of them has failed, and so have you Thank you for that vote of confidence.
Now come.
We must prepare for tomorrow night.
Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night? Sing a song about all the world's cheeses? No, pinky.
We shall try to take over the world through meticulous analysis of history Ugh! Ugh! Oh, but i like the cheese song, brain.
Consider the sneeze, pinky.
An explosion of air from the nasal cavity Which renders its victim helpless for up to 1.
8 seconds.
Egad, brain! I don't think courteney would like seeing people Sneeze off their skin.
Courteney? My scale model replica of courteney cox Made out of dryer lint.
The eyes are really food pellets.
Boink! You're a true connoisseur of the female form.
Now pack your bag, pinky.
We're off to minnesota.
Narf! Courteney loves minnesota! Or is that cherry soda? The state of minnesota, pinky.
According to this geological survey, One of the richest untapped mines of sinusite In the known world is located there.
Do you have any idea what sinusite is? Oh.
You're asking me? Are you certain that was dryer lint And not the stuffing from your head? Sinusite is a rock crystal, which in pulverized form, Is purveyed in gag stores around the world under the name of sneezing powder.
Sneezing powder! [Gushes.]
Are we going to play a joke on somebody? Yes, pinky, the entire planet! We shall unearth huge quantities of sinusite And disperse it throughout the globe Using the world's most powerful fan.
While the populace is racked by a massive sneezing fit, I'll have more than enough time to take over the world! Oh, i love practical jokes, brain! Narf! Then can we make the world sit on a giant whoopee cushion? Pay attention, pinky.
The sinusite is located on land owned by the minnesota rhennish, A clannish people, distrustful of strangers.
Observe.
Hmm, they look like pilgrims, brain.
Yes, and so must we.
We shall disguise ourselves In rhennish clothing and attempt to pass unnoticed In their community.
Zort! Just like halloween! Oh, will we get candied apples and gooey caramels? No, pinky.
Our reward will be total domination of the world And its peoples.
Oh, that's nice, too, And not as harmful to your teeth.
This is it, pinky-- Minnesota.
Poit! Courteney's losing weight.
Put courteney in your suitcase, pinky.
We don't want to scare the locals.
I still don't understand why the rhennish wear such funny clothes, brain.
The rhennish steadfastly refuse to expose themselves To the modern world.
Thus, everything about them is the same as it was Over 100 years ago.
Narf! Just like tv's dick clark! Interesting analogy, my friend.
You'd better let me do all the talking.
We have no need for your trinkets And fancy books, salesmen.
We be not salesmen, friend.
We be your rhennish cousins from the west country Who have lost our way while looking for the family cow.
Oh, very good, brain.
Ooh! Narf! Hmm.
My brother aesop is an elder In the west country.
Of thou beist from there, Perhaps thou couldst describe him for me.
Um, does he wear strange pilgrim clothes, Talk funny, and have interesting breath? Cousins! Wife, make up the spare room.
Let my wife sarah fix thee a plain, humble meal Of stinkroot nectar and pie of the turnip.
Mmm, stinkroot.
Uh, no, thank you, friend.
Brother pinky and i are tired from our journey And need our humble rest.
Rest? Ha ha ha ha! You make strong with the humor, brother brain.
[Bell clangs.]
Yah.
Comes the bell.
You're just in time for the afternoon barn raising.
Barn raising? Brain: but we be too small for a barn raising.
Thou art mighty shy, brother brain.
Thou canst craft the nails.
Craft the nails? Poit! Don't you get nails in a store? That wouldst be idleness.
Ahh, i'm so tired, brain.
Even my elbows ache.
Narf.
My fingers are numb.
Ah, well.
Tomorrow we get the sinusite and leave.
Good night, pinky.
Good night, brain.
Good night, courteney.
Huh? Where are we? What's wrong? Calm yourself, friend.
We don't mean to stare.
We never seen a body sleep so late before.
Late? What time is it? [Bell clangs.]
It be 5 a.
M.
Time for the morning barn raising.
Isn't it awfully early for [yawn.]
Physical labor? Ha ha ha! We have heard much of brother brain's humor.
See you presently anon.
Pinky, wake up.
Pinky.
No! No more funny hats! Pinky, focus.
Oh, good morning, brain.
Oh, i had a horrible dream.
Some funny farmer men were forcing us to wear stick-On beards And do heavy lifting.
Come, pinky.
We have a barn to raise.
Aah! It wasn't a dream! Pinky, we must come up with a way to get out of work this afternoon So we can dig for sinusite.
I've got it! You have brain fever.
Brain fever.
Narf! How long have i got? Go on, you can tell me.
I can take it.
No, pinky.
You'll pretend to have brain fever And require my constant attention.
The symptoms are lack of concentration And complete loss of reasoning abilities.
Look, brain, this melted candle wax Looks just like matt le blanc.
On second thought, just be yourself, pinky, And everything should be fine.
Brother jakob, come quickly! What is it, brother brain? Brother pinky has the brain fever.
I fear that he won't be able to complete his chores today.
Merciful heavens! Oh, where am i? Who am i? I have no reasoning abilities whatsoever.
Isn't that right, brain? Narf! Well, he's clearly delirious.
Though i am loathe to give up my duties, I best stay here and tend him.
That wouldst be idleness.
No.
Let us allow the women to make the healing.
Wife! Yes, jakob.
Bring to boil the spiny nettles.
Spiny nettles? Poit! Oh, i'm feeling much better now, actually.
Come, brother brain.
Let us soothe our worries With extra-Hard labor today.
But--But i don't have A smidge of temperature.
Really.
Brain! Stinkroot nectar for thy labors, brother brain? Thank you, brother jakob.
Hmm.
Jakob, might i have a small break To check on brother pinky? Break? What is this break? A break.
A small period of rest During the work day.
Ha ha ha ha ha! But that wouldst be-- I know.
Don't tell me.
That wouldst be idleness.
No, that wouldst be sloth.
No need to fret over your friend, brother.
The spiny nettles bring not the pain, Though he mayest find the leeches a trifle uncomfortable.
Leeches? Time for the leeches, brother pinky.
This wonst hurteth much.
Aah! My, my, he beist the nervous, skittish one.
Stop here, pinky.
There should be vast sinusite deposits All throughout this area.
If we start digging now, We could hit the mother lode before sunrise.
Righty-O, brain.
Ow! Pinky! Jakob: who goes there? Wonderful.
Caught red-Handed Digging in the dead of night.
Ahh! 'Tis brother pinky, Healed up wondrous well.
And brother brain, looking a might poorly.
Brother jakob, i can explain.
No need, brother brain.
There's no shame in a man being early to his labor.
Early to his-- [Bell clangs.]
Time for the midnight barn raising.
I grow to hate it here.
Oh, there you are, brain.
Brother jakob says we're to craft all this iron into nails By the end of the day.
I'm aware of that, pinky.
That's why i brought these.
Narf! They're so shiny and pointy.
Oh, you've really outdone yourself this time.
Thank you, pinky, But i didn't make them.
I bought them.
But, brain, jakob says that be elliot ness.
Idleness, pinky.
But what brother jakob doesn't know won't hurt him.
Now we have the rest of the day to dig for sinusite.
Come up here and help me unload these nails.
Ok.
Honestly, nails are supposed to be made by machines in a factory.
It's practically in the constitution.
Here's one, brain.
Where did you find this nail, pinky? Oh, it was just sticking in the ground with a big rope around it.
That's what i was afraid of.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Aah! Aah! Sweet molasses! Are ye all right? We beist wonderful well.
Unless you count these exceedingly sharp nails Piercing our flesh.
Poit! But so many nails.
When i left not one hour ago, Thou hast a full day's work ahead of thee.
Yes, and now that our day's work is done, we must be off.
It be a miracle! I hereby nominate brothers brain and pinky To be our ministers of barn raising.
Hear, hear! Aye! Aye! No! No, listen to me! We are bad barn raisers, Very bad! So modest.
So humble.
Such a hard worker.
Brothers, i nominate brother brain to be the leader Of our rhennish clan.
All in favor, say aye.
All: aye! Oh, how exciting, brain! The funny farmer men want you to be their leader! Pinky, are you pondering what i'm pondering? I think so, brain.
But what kind of rides do they have in fabioland? No, pinky.
I can use these men to do my digging.
Friends, i humbly accept your offer To anoint me your leader.
Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! And as my first official act, I decree that a magnificent barn With a beet cellar Be erected right over there.
Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Good news, brother brain.
The ground thou hast chosen Be chock full of sinusite! This is it, pinky.
Soon the globe will be consumed with sneezing, And i will assume my place as leader of the world And its peoples.
But, brother brain you're not sneezing.
I believe i can explain, brother brain.
The rock ye hold is fool's sinusite.
It hath not the powers of its famous cousin.
'Tis a common error.
Fool's sinusite? You mean it can't be used as sneezing powder? Ha ha ha! If we were sitting on such a gold mine, You think we'd be eating pie of the turnip? All: ha ha ha! Don't fret, brother brain.
The find you make is a happy one.
Though fool's sinusite be bad for the selling, It makes excellent grout for barn raising! [All shouting.]
Oh, think of the bright side, brain.
Now we can go home and take a long bath in spiny nettles.
That would be idleness.
No, pinky.
We must labor extra diligently In preparation for tomorrow night.
Why, brain? What are we doing tomorrow night? Making a pork rind sculpture of david schwimmer? No, pinky.
The same thing we do every night.
Try to take over the world! they're dinky, they're pinky and the brain brain, brain, brain, brain, brain Pinky: ah-Choo! warner bros.
Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org--
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