Powerless (2017) s01e06 Episode Script
I'ma Friend You
1 And we go now live to Crimson Fox for an announcement.
[sighs.]
Man, this is tough.
Starting today, I'll be leaving Charm City and taking my talents to Metropolis.
- [crowd groans.]
- Adjacent.
I can't believe she's just leaving us.
I mean, she is our main hero.
What if somebody like the Joker attacks? The Joker is an A-list super villain.
He wouldn't attack a dump like Charm City.
We begged for a WNBA team, Emily.
They said no.
A WNBA team.
Now that Crimson Fox is leaving, maybe we'll get a cool new superhero.
- What if we got Aqualad? - Aqualad? No, Aqualad's a sidekick, not a hero.
That's like hoping our city gets protection from a cheese plate.
- [both laugh.]
- He's right.
It's cool that you guys can laugh about this, but with Crimson Fox gone, petty crime will skyrocket, and let's be real: women are always the target.
Emily is right.
The creeps are already feeling emboldened.
Weird Tony the hot dog guy was extra weird this morning.
Wait a minute, you mean Fun Tony the hot dog guy.
Yeah, what's wrong with Fun Tony the hot dog guy? Yeah? All: "Hey, sexy lady, come sit on Tony's lap and touch Tony's hot dog.
" Oh, he's definitely talking about his penis.
Yeah, that's his penis.
All right, look, if you're worried about crime, I can walk you guys to your car at night.
I mean, I don't look intimidating, but But what? I was hoping someone would disagree.
Who cares? It's going to be fine.
You ladies need to grow a pair.
All of you.
[insect buzzing.]
Jackie, there's a bee in my office! Aah, aah! Jackie! It looks stingy! Our fearless leader.
[heroic music.]
Hey, you know, I was thinking about taking a self-defense class now that Crimson Fox is gone.
Want to do it with me? Look, I don't have time for some class.
I'm either taking care of a child Jackie! Or I'm at home with my kid.
I thought you might say that, so I already found us a class during lunch.
I'll take care of everything.
All you need to do is show up.
There's a chance you'll get to punch a stranger.
Jackie, hurry! All right, I'm in.
[upbeat music.]
Yah, yah! Jackie! The bee did not lay eggs in your hair.
I Googled it.
It's impossible.
No, something horrible has happened.
Round up the floor.
A violation has occurred.
At approximately 10:02 this morning, I walked into my personal bathroom to discover evidence that it had been used by another.
Why is no one gasping? Gasp.
[all gasp.]
Thank you, I feel the same way.
Before today, the only cheeks that had graced that throne belonged to me and, of course, my beloved golden retriever, Boomer, whom I painstakingly taught to go human-style before he promptly ran away.
Now, I promise you that justice will be swift and fair.
You will be fired.
So please step forward and take your punishment with dignity.
No one? No one? Dorothy was it you? Looking a little depleted, a little "Turder, She Wrote," maybe, hmm? A little "Law & Order: IBS"? That is a guilty face.
Okay, okay, I will flush you out.
And then you'll be fired.
Hey, have you seen Jackie? Who's "Bitch I'ma"? Oh, it makes more sense when Jackie wears hers.
- "Bitch I'ma End You!" - [laughs.]
We're taking self-defense classes.
If she ever gets here.
"I'ma Bitch"? Hmm, inappropriate, Emily.
Appreciate the honesty, but still inappropriate.
- [sighs.]
- You think Jackie's gonna take self-defense classes in matching shirts with you? Well, it's sort of, like, an inside joke.
I don't think Jackie does inside jokes.
Well, that's because you're not on the inside.
Me and Jackie, we've got our own thing.
And yet she's not here.
Well, she probably just decided to meet me there.
So I'm gonna go learn to kick ass with Jackie.
[light music.]
[sighs.]
Emily? Hi.
Whoa, that class is no joke.
Yeah, well, Jackie didn't show, and on my way back, I ran into an alleyway to avoid one of Jack-O-Lantern's fireballs and tripped and fell into the trash.
Oh, sexy lady covered in garbage.
Still sexy.
[chuckles.]
Not now, Tony.
Yeah, that is disrespectful, Tony! - Mm? - I can't believe it.
Jackie knew how much I was looking forward to this class, and she just stands me up? Well, maybe she had an emergency, or maybe she's sitting in a car over there reading a book.
What? [exhales deeply.]
- [thud.]
- [shrieks.]
Self-defense class! Where the hell were you? I was busy.
I figured you'd just go alone.
[sniffs.]
Why do you smell like garbage? Actually, can we talk about this later? No, we're talking about this right now.
Friends don't stand each other up.
They send a text with enough sad emojis to make you feel how sorry they are.
[door slides open.]
[shrieks.]
Is this an UberPOOL? 'Cause I didn't select pool.
It is not a pool.
I was just telling this little homeless lady to get out of my car.
I'm trying to make a little extra cash on the side, okay? Why didn't you just tell me that? So are we going or what? You heard her.
Get out of my car, sporty hobo.
Tiny water bottle? [door slams.]
[tense music.]
Jackie, I'm not sure why you Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! I'm gonna be direct, which is something you love about me.
Oh, yeah.
My daughter Ruby's class is taking a trip to Six Flags Metropolis.
It's $500, and money's a little tight right now.
I really don't need any of these human bedbugs knowing that, so as far as you're concerned, I am not an Uber driver.
Yeah, but with Crimson Fox gone, you could get mugged or get hit by Jack-O-Lantern's fireball.
It's just not safe for you to be driving strangers around.
- All right.
- Aah! Who drives strangers around? No one, not one person ever.
Where'd you learn that? [sighs.]
I have two brothers.
Oh, you have two brothers? Older or younger? Please stop bonding with me.
- Listen, if you need - I don't want to talk about it, and I really don't want you to "Emily" this.
Aww, people are using my name as a verb? Aah! I will not Emily this.
So I don't want to make this a big thing, but someone who I'm not going to mention needs a little help.
Oh, are you trying to Emily something? Look, we're not gonna give money to Jackie unless we know what it's for.
Well, she told me not to Damn it.
- Oh.
- I knew it was Jackie.
Now, that was some David Blaine [bleep.]
.
Okay, this cannot be repeated.
Her kid needs $500 for a school trip.
I thought we could all pitch in to help her out.
Jackie is never gonna take our money.
She is crazy private.
I have a pretty genius way around that.
- Oh, so you're gonna Teddy it.
- What's that? - Well, that's - That's when you try to turn your name into a verb unsuccessfully.
[laughter.]
Ooh, you just got Wendy-ed.
[laughter.]
Everyone in my office except I'ma Bitch.
You can stay here.
That's not even what the shirt said.
The Three Amigos, the Three Musketeers, the Dynamic Duo and you.
I bet you thought you were in the clear, but you're the only three people who were in the office when the crime was committed.
I know.
I checked the logs.
[chortles.]
I just want to point out that we're talking about a poop crime, and you said "logs.
" [all chuckling.]
That's fair.
Who did this? Van, this is silly.
It wasn't us.
Pedro, could you come in here, please? It's, uh, Peter, sir.
Pedro, when you entered into my personal bathroom yesterday to clean it, what did you find? Oh, there were these small scissors and all these clumps of short, curly hairs all around the base of the bowl.
Not that! I told you, not that.
Wh The other thing.
This magazine, sir.
Thank you, Pedrito.
It's Peter.
Witness excused.
Adios.
Who does this belong to? Who was perusing while they were number twos-ing? Come on, people, I'm giving you an opportunity to snitch on a friend.
I used to live for this in boarding school.
None of us did it.
All right.
You're sticking together, okay.
No, well, let's see how long that lasts once I move your workspaces to Conference Room B.
[screams.]
Wait, what's Conference Room B? [door creaks.]
[ominous music.]
Oh.
[chuckles.]
Please, come in.
Take in your surroundings, because this hellscape is where you will be living until someone tells me who did it.
Um, okay, so, uh, what was so bad about this conference room, again? I think you may have noticed the terrifying lighting.
[Van laughs maniacally.]
Oh, come on.
- Yeah, that's it.
- That's it.
Well, let me tell you this.
These chairs are the old ones, before the upgrade.
They're unable to spin.
Actually, you need to just reach back here, hit this little doohickey, and you could go wherever you want.
- I got it.
- Hee! Yeah, whee! - Whee! - Whee! [phone clatters.]
All right, "whee" all you want, but let me put this little notion in your ear.
No one crosses Vanderveer Wayne and gets out clean on the other side.
It's about to get nasty.
[door slams.]
all: Whee! [laughter.]
[bell rings.]
Hi there, are you Mrs.
Fry? Yes, are Are you a parent? [laughs.]
Me, a parent? That's hilarious.
I'm super young.
Look, uh, one of my good friends has a daughter in your class, Ruby? - Mm-hmm.
- I just wanted to drop off this check, you know, on the down-low for her class trip.
What class trip? Uh, you're all going to Six Flags Metropolis.
We're all going to Six Flags Metropolis! All: Yay! No! No, class, calm down.
We are not going to Six Flags Metropolis.
[all groan.]
Look, I don't know what kind of sick joke you're playing.
This is a public school.
We don't go to Six Flags Metropolis.
We go to cemeteries and read sad poems.
Leave.
[growls.]
All right, Operation: Help Jackie is over.
Now we're doing Operation: Mind Your Own Business and Just Act Cool.
Okay, so you want us to un-Emily this? Um, I don't think acting cool is the opposite of Emily-ing something.
All: No.
Mm-mm.
So we're good on dropping this? I was trying to be a good friend, and I just went too far.
Jackie is my friend, and if she needs my help, she'll come to me.
The important thing is that no one mentions that I went to her daughter's school.
That's the lady! She's the one who said we were going to Six Flags.
Oh, my God, Jackie! [chuckles nervously.]
Is this your daughter who I am definitely meeting for the first time? [dramatic music.]
[lamp creaking.]
Um, Van, this is ridiculous.
Teddy, you're a dignified guy.
You wouldn't crap up another man's toilet.
But Ron? How much do we really know about Ron? Lives with his grandma, favorite food is pickles, birthday wish is always for "Jurassic Park" to be real.
Enough! No one has to know.
Tell me it was Ron.
Pick it pick it up! That's the I That's why I slid it.
$1,000 to Furniture Within Grasp? Mm.
This could buy a whole folding chair or an ottoman.
And all of that can be yours if you just set the truth free.
The truth is a little bird.
It's cooped up in a cage.
It's either open that door, set it free, let it fly out on the wings of feathers I don't It's a bird, so it I don't know.
Just look, it's 1,000 bucks.
Grasp the furniture.
Teddy ratted you out.
What? He did? Yup, he sold you out faster than a Mumford & Sons concert in the whitest part of Portland.
You could just say "Portland.
" He says it's you.
Unless, of course, he's lying to cover his own ass.
Or maybe it's no one's friend, Wendy.
Wendy.
Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.
Tell me, Wendy, why does Wendy always pretend-y? - Are we flirting? - What? - Finally.
- No.
Hello.
Hmm? Keep it on.
Keep it on.
Keep it on.
Missed you at coffee.
I got you one anyways.
Okay, obviously, you're still needing space.
You know, I just want to say I've forgiven you for lying to me about needing the money for Six Flags - Seriously? - And I want you to know that I don't expect you to tell me why you need the money, but I am available to you as a friend.
And that's the last thing I will say.
[elevator dings.]
Okay, the last thing I'll say is, I think it would be a shame if a misunderstanding that was born out of love had a negative effect on a blossoming friendship that could be great for the both of us.
There is nothing blossoming here.
We work together.
That's it.
I don't want you butting into my life.
- Leave me alone.
- Jackie, wait I don't need your help.
[rumbling.]
[evil laughter.]
Citizens of Charm City, where is your beloved Crimson Fox now? [explosion, glass shattering.]
Buckle up! [laughs evilly.]
[light music.]
You just got a little bump on the head.
You're all set to leave.
We called your emergency contact.
My emergency contact? Who did I put down for my Oh, no.
Jackie! I am so flattered and also so glad you're okay.
Calm down, I had to put somebody down, and you're kind of sort of reliable and capable in a middle school hall monitor kind of way.
Oh, locker break-ins dropped 24% on my watch.
I have no doubt they did.
Look, I know I overstepped my bounds Yeah, you did.
But maybe I have too many bounds to step over.
So do you want to know what that money's for? I mean Night classes.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life helping Van with his poop witch-hunts, so I'm trying to get my MBA.
I didn't want to tell you because Oh, my God, Jackie, that is so amazing.
Because of that.
I don't like that kind of attention.
The attention of people who love and care for you? I'm not saying it's healthy.
If I'm being honest, it would probably be good for me to be friends with someone like you.
But if you could just turn the volume down a little? You want people to lean in, not lean out.
See, I like having a friend who can tell me that.
And I like having a friend who would probably notice if I was dead in my apartment.
Well, what about your kid? She has an iPad.
Oh.
Could we maybe, like, hug? Make it quick.
Oh, really quick.
Oh, Jackie is getting her MBA - And she - Turn it down.
[whispering.]
Called me as her emergency - Turn it off.
- Contact.
- Drive me home.
- Anytime.
How much for the Eames lounger? Okay, and can I get that with a cup holder? Traitor and tacky.
Hey, what's happening? Oh, I'll tell you what's happening.
Wendy's weak, and she sold one of us out for a fricking gift card.
I did not sell anybody out.
I bet you're the one who used Van's toilet and you're trying to throw people off the scent by blaming me.
You know I can't use a work bathroom.
That's why I have to drive home at lunch every day.
And you know that I can't go to the bathroom unless there are people around to give me a sense of comfort and security.
- You've been there! - I do know that.
- That's a very strange thing.
- Well, does that Enough! We're all friends here, and Van is tearing us apart.
And I'm putting an end to it.
You put the pig in the pit And then you eat it It's just indigenous It's not mischievous Van? I pooped in your toilet.
Finally, the truth comes out.
Ron, your punishment will be of biblical proportions.
Van, I pooped in your toilet.
No, I pooped in your toilet.
All three of you defecated in my toilet? Simultaneously? You are some dirty birdies.
No, this is a gesture.
We're sticking together.
If you want to punish one of us, you're gonna have to punish us all.
Haven't you ever seen "Spartacus"? Thank you for ruining "Spartacus" for me.
[computer pings.]
Ah, they found the security footage of who crapped up my toilet.
Now we'll know for sure.
Jackie, there's a bee! It looks stingy! Okay, ignore that.
[laughter.]
Jackie! - I'm meditating.
- Jackie, is it on me? It was above the desk! It's in the room! Do you see it? Huh.
[thud.]
Did you get it? - It's dead.
- Oh.
So no one pooped in your toilet.
- Thank you.
- Jackie just used that magazine to kill a bee and left it there.
That's right.
I knew this all along.
This was me teaching you a very convoluted lesson about friendship.
- Hmm.
- Thank you.
[playful music.]
Look at us.
I'm only wearing this because I got the instructor's blood on the other one.
Ooh, sexy ladies wearing matching shirts.
Hey, how about a matching foot-long? [chuckles.]
What the Ow, ow! This stops now.
Yeah, Tony, you got that? [squeaky voice.]
I got it.
Let go, please.
It hurts.
[whimpers.]
[dramatic music.]
You know this is our last Tony dog, right? Yeah, I know.
It's so hard to divorce the artist from his work.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
- But it's so good.
- It's so good! [suspenseful music.]
[video squealing.]
My name is Peter.
[sighs.]
Man, this is tough.
Starting today, I'll be leaving Charm City and taking my talents to Metropolis.
- [crowd groans.]
- Adjacent.
I can't believe she's just leaving us.
I mean, she is our main hero.
What if somebody like the Joker attacks? The Joker is an A-list super villain.
He wouldn't attack a dump like Charm City.
We begged for a WNBA team, Emily.
They said no.
A WNBA team.
Now that Crimson Fox is leaving, maybe we'll get a cool new superhero.
- What if we got Aqualad? - Aqualad? No, Aqualad's a sidekick, not a hero.
That's like hoping our city gets protection from a cheese plate.
- [both laugh.]
- He's right.
It's cool that you guys can laugh about this, but with Crimson Fox gone, petty crime will skyrocket, and let's be real: women are always the target.
Emily is right.
The creeps are already feeling emboldened.
Weird Tony the hot dog guy was extra weird this morning.
Wait a minute, you mean Fun Tony the hot dog guy.
Yeah, what's wrong with Fun Tony the hot dog guy? Yeah? All: "Hey, sexy lady, come sit on Tony's lap and touch Tony's hot dog.
" Oh, he's definitely talking about his penis.
Yeah, that's his penis.
All right, look, if you're worried about crime, I can walk you guys to your car at night.
I mean, I don't look intimidating, but But what? I was hoping someone would disagree.
Who cares? It's going to be fine.
You ladies need to grow a pair.
All of you.
[insect buzzing.]
Jackie, there's a bee in my office! Aah, aah! Jackie! It looks stingy! Our fearless leader.
[heroic music.]
Hey, you know, I was thinking about taking a self-defense class now that Crimson Fox is gone.
Want to do it with me? Look, I don't have time for some class.
I'm either taking care of a child Jackie! Or I'm at home with my kid.
I thought you might say that, so I already found us a class during lunch.
I'll take care of everything.
All you need to do is show up.
There's a chance you'll get to punch a stranger.
Jackie, hurry! All right, I'm in.
[upbeat music.]
Yah, yah! Jackie! The bee did not lay eggs in your hair.
I Googled it.
It's impossible.
No, something horrible has happened.
Round up the floor.
A violation has occurred.
At approximately 10:02 this morning, I walked into my personal bathroom to discover evidence that it had been used by another.
Why is no one gasping? Gasp.
[all gasp.]
Thank you, I feel the same way.
Before today, the only cheeks that had graced that throne belonged to me and, of course, my beloved golden retriever, Boomer, whom I painstakingly taught to go human-style before he promptly ran away.
Now, I promise you that justice will be swift and fair.
You will be fired.
So please step forward and take your punishment with dignity.
No one? No one? Dorothy was it you? Looking a little depleted, a little "Turder, She Wrote," maybe, hmm? A little "Law & Order: IBS"? That is a guilty face.
Okay, okay, I will flush you out.
And then you'll be fired.
Hey, have you seen Jackie? Who's "Bitch I'ma"? Oh, it makes more sense when Jackie wears hers.
- "Bitch I'ma End You!" - [laughs.]
We're taking self-defense classes.
If she ever gets here.
"I'ma Bitch"? Hmm, inappropriate, Emily.
Appreciate the honesty, but still inappropriate.
- [sighs.]
- You think Jackie's gonna take self-defense classes in matching shirts with you? Well, it's sort of, like, an inside joke.
I don't think Jackie does inside jokes.
Well, that's because you're not on the inside.
Me and Jackie, we've got our own thing.
And yet she's not here.
Well, she probably just decided to meet me there.
So I'm gonna go learn to kick ass with Jackie.
[light music.]
[sighs.]
Emily? Hi.
Whoa, that class is no joke.
Yeah, well, Jackie didn't show, and on my way back, I ran into an alleyway to avoid one of Jack-O-Lantern's fireballs and tripped and fell into the trash.
Oh, sexy lady covered in garbage.
Still sexy.
[chuckles.]
Not now, Tony.
Yeah, that is disrespectful, Tony! - Mm? - I can't believe it.
Jackie knew how much I was looking forward to this class, and she just stands me up? Well, maybe she had an emergency, or maybe she's sitting in a car over there reading a book.
What? [exhales deeply.]
- [thud.]
- [shrieks.]
Self-defense class! Where the hell were you? I was busy.
I figured you'd just go alone.
[sniffs.]
Why do you smell like garbage? Actually, can we talk about this later? No, we're talking about this right now.
Friends don't stand each other up.
They send a text with enough sad emojis to make you feel how sorry they are.
[door slides open.]
[shrieks.]
Is this an UberPOOL? 'Cause I didn't select pool.
It is not a pool.
I was just telling this little homeless lady to get out of my car.
I'm trying to make a little extra cash on the side, okay? Why didn't you just tell me that? So are we going or what? You heard her.
Get out of my car, sporty hobo.
Tiny water bottle? [door slams.]
[tense music.]
Jackie, I'm not sure why you Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! I'm gonna be direct, which is something you love about me.
Oh, yeah.
My daughter Ruby's class is taking a trip to Six Flags Metropolis.
It's $500, and money's a little tight right now.
I really don't need any of these human bedbugs knowing that, so as far as you're concerned, I am not an Uber driver.
Yeah, but with Crimson Fox gone, you could get mugged or get hit by Jack-O-Lantern's fireball.
It's just not safe for you to be driving strangers around.
- All right.
- Aah! Who drives strangers around? No one, not one person ever.
Where'd you learn that? [sighs.]
I have two brothers.
Oh, you have two brothers? Older or younger? Please stop bonding with me.
- Listen, if you need - I don't want to talk about it, and I really don't want you to "Emily" this.
Aww, people are using my name as a verb? Aah! I will not Emily this.
So I don't want to make this a big thing, but someone who I'm not going to mention needs a little help.
Oh, are you trying to Emily something? Look, we're not gonna give money to Jackie unless we know what it's for.
Well, she told me not to Damn it.
- Oh.
- I knew it was Jackie.
Now, that was some David Blaine [bleep.]
.
Okay, this cannot be repeated.
Her kid needs $500 for a school trip.
I thought we could all pitch in to help her out.
Jackie is never gonna take our money.
She is crazy private.
I have a pretty genius way around that.
- Oh, so you're gonna Teddy it.
- What's that? - Well, that's - That's when you try to turn your name into a verb unsuccessfully.
[laughter.]
Ooh, you just got Wendy-ed.
[laughter.]
Everyone in my office except I'ma Bitch.
You can stay here.
That's not even what the shirt said.
The Three Amigos, the Three Musketeers, the Dynamic Duo and you.
I bet you thought you were in the clear, but you're the only three people who were in the office when the crime was committed.
I know.
I checked the logs.
[chortles.]
I just want to point out that we're talking about a poop crime, and you said "logs.
" [all chuckling.]
That's fair.
Who did this? Van, this is silly.
It wasn't us.
Pedro, could you come in here, please? It's, uh, Peter, sir.
Pedro, when you entered into my personal bathroom yesterday to clean it, what did you find? Oh, there were these small scissors and all these clumps of short, curly hairs all around the base of the bowl.
Not that! I told you, not that.
Wh The other thing.
This magazine, sir.
Thank you, Pedrito.
It's Peter.
Witness excused.
Adios.
Who does this belong to? Who was perusing while they were number twos-ing? Come on, people, I'm giving you an opportunity to snitch on a friend.
I used to live for this in boarding school.
None of us did it.
All right.
You're sticking together, okay.
No, well, let's see how long that lasts once I move your workspaces to Conference Room B.
[screams.]
Wait, what's Conference Room B? [door creaks.]
[ominous music.]
Oh.
[chuckles.]
Please, come in.
Take in your surroundings, because this hellscape is where you will be living until someone tells me who did it.
Um, okay, so, uh, what was so bad about this conference room, again? I think you may have noticed the terrifying lighting.
[Van laughs maniacally.]
Oh, come on.
- Yeah, that's it.
- That's it.
Well, let me tell you this.
These chairs are the old ones, before the upgrade.
They're unable to spin.
Actually, you need to just reach back here, hit this little doohickey, and you could go wherever you want.
- I got it.
- Hee! Yeah, whee! - Whee! - Whee! [phone clatters.]
All right, "whee" all you want, but let me put this little notion in your ear.
No one crosses Vanderveer Wayne and gets out clean on the other side.
It's about to get nasty.
[door slams.]
all: Whee! [laughter.]
[bell rings.]
Hi there, are you Mrs.
Fry? Yes, are Are you a parent? [laughs.]
Me, a parent? That's hilarious.
I'm super young.
Look, uh, one of my good friends has a daughter in your class, Ruby? - Mm-hmm.
- I just wanted to drop off this check, you know, on the down-low for her class trip.
What class trip? Uh, you're all going to Six Flags Metropolis.
We're all going to Six Flags Metropolis! All: Yay! No! No, class, calm down.
We are not going to Six Flags Metropolis.
[all groan.]
Look, I don't know what kind of sick joke you're playing.
This is a public school.
We don't go to Six Flags Metropolis.
We go to cemeteries and read sad poems.
Leave.
[growls.]
All right, Operation: Help Jackie is over.
Now we're doing Operation: Mind Your Own Business and Just Act Cool.
Okay, so you want us to un-Emily this? Um, I don't think acting cool is the opposite of Emily-ing something.
All: No.
Mm-mm.
So we're good on dropping this? I was trying to be a good friend, and I just went too far.
Jackie is my friend, and if she needs my help, she'll come to me.
The important thing is that no one mentions that I went to her daughter's school.
That's the lady! She's the one who said we were going to Six Flags.
Oh, my God, Jackie! [chuckles nervously.]
Is this your daughter who I am definitely meeting for the first time? [dramatic music.]
[lamp creaking.]
Um, Van, this is ridiculous.
Teddy, you're a dignified guy.
You wouldn't crap up another man's toilet.
But Ron? How much do we really know about Ron? Lives with his grandma, favorite food is pickles, birthday wish is always for "Jurassic Park" to be real.
Enough! No one has to know.
Tell me it was Ron.
Pick it pick it up! That's the I That's why I slid it.
$1,000 to Furniture Within Grasp? Mm.
This could buy a whole folding chair or an ottoman.
And all of that can be yours if you just set the truth free.
The truth is a little bird.
It's cooped up in a cage.
It's either open that door, set it free, let it fly out on the wings of feathers I don't It's a bird, so it I don't know.
Just look, it's 1,000 bucks.
Grasp the furniture.
Teddy ratted you out.
What? He did? Yup, he sold you out faster than a Mumford & Sons concert in the whitest part of Portland.
You could just say "Portland.
" He says it's you.
Unless, of course, he's lying to cover his own ass.
Or maybe it's no one's friend, Wendy.
Wendy.
Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.
Tell me, Wendy, why does Wendy always pretend-y? - Are we flirting? - What? - Finally.
- No.
Hello.
Hmm? Keep it on.
Keep it on.
Keep it on.
Missed you at coffee.
I got you one anyways.
Okay, obviously, you're still needing space.
You know, I just want to say I've forgiven you for lying to me about needing the money for Six Flags - Seriously? - And I want you to know that I don't expect you to tell me why you need the money, but I am available to you as a friend.
And that's the last thing I will say.
[elevator dings.]
Okay, the last thing I'll say is, I think it would be a shame if a misunderstanding that was born out of love had a negative effect on a blossoming friendship that could be great for the both of us.
There is nothing blossoming here.
We work together.
That's it.
I don't want you butting into my life.
- Leave me alone.
- Jackie, wait I don't need your help.
[rumbling.]
[evil laughter.]
Citizens of Charm City, where is your beloved Crimson Fox now? [explosion, glass shattering.]
Buckle up! [laughs evilly.]
[light music.]
You just got a little bump on the head.
You're all set to leave.
We called your emergency contact.
My emergency contact? Who did I put down for my Oh, no.
Jackie! I am so flattered and also so glad you're okay.
Calm down, I had to put somebody down, and you're kind of sort of reliable and capable in a middle school hall monitor kind of way.
Oh, locker break-ins dropped 24% on my watch.
I have no doubt they did.
Look, I know I overstepped my bounds Yeah, you did.
But maybe I have too many bounds to step over.
So do you want to know what that money's for? I mean Night classes.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life helping Van with his poop witch-hunts, so I'm trying to get my MBA.
I didn't want to tell you because Oh, my God, Jackie, that is so amazing.
Because of that.
I don't like that kind of attention.
The attention of people who love and care for you? I'm not saying it's healthy.
If I'm being honest, it would probably be good for me to be friends with someone like you.
But if you could just turn the volume down a little? You want people to lean in, not lean out.
See, I like having a friend who can tell me that.
And I like having a friend who would probably notice if I was dead in my apartment.
Well, what about your kid? She has an iPad.
Oh.
Could we maybe, like, hug? Make it quick.
Oh, really quick.
Oh, Jackie is getting her MBA - And she - Turn it down.
[whispering.]
Called me as her emergency - Turn it off.
- Contact.
- Drive me home.
- Anytime.
How much for the Eames lounger? Okay, and can I get that with a cup holder? Traitor and tacky.
Hey, what's happening? Oh, I'll tell you what's happening.
Wendy's weak, and she sold one of us out for a fricking gift card.
I did not sell anybody out.
I bet you're the one who used Van's toilet and you're trying to throw people off the scent by blaming me.
You know I can't use a work bathroom.
That's why I have to drive home at lunch every day.
And you know that I can't go to the bathroom unless there are people around to give me a sense of comfort and security.
- You've been there! - I do know that.
- That's a very strange thing.
- Well, does that Enough! We're all friends here, and Van is tearing us apart.
And I'm putting an end to it.
You put the pig in the pit And then you eat it It's just indigenous It's not mischievous Van? I pooped in your toilet.
Finally, the truth comes out.
Ron, your punishment will be of biblical proportions.
Van, I pooped in your toilet.
No, I pooped in your toilet.
All three of you defecated in my toilet? Simultaneously? You are some dirty birdies.
No, this is a gesture.
We're sticking together.
If you want to punish one of us, you're gonna have to punish us all.
Haven't you ever seen "Spartacus"? Thank you for ruining "Spartacus" for me.
[computer pings.]
Ah, they found the security footage of who crapped up my toilet.
Now we'll know for sure.
Jackie, there's a bee! It looks stingy! Okay, ignore that.
[laughter.]
Jackie! - I'm meditating.
- Jackie, is it on me? It was above the desk! It's in the room! Do you see it? Huh.
[thud.]
Did you get it? - It's dead.
- Oh.
So no one pooped in your toilet.
- Thank you.
- Jackie just used that magazine to kill a bee and left it there.
That's right.
I knew this all along.
This was me teaching you a very convoluted lesson about friendship.
- Hmm.
- Thank you.
[playful music.]
Look at us.
I'm only wearing this because I got the instructor's blood on the other one.
Ooh, sexy ladies wearing matching shirts.
Hey, how about a matching foot-long? [chuckles.]
What the Ow, ow! This stops now.
Yeah, Tony, you got that? [squeaky voice.]
I got it.
Let go, please.
It hurts.
[whimpers.]
[dramatic music.]
You know this is our last Tony dog, right? Yeah, I know.
It's so hard to divorce the artist from his work.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
- But it's so good.
- It's so good! [suspenseful music.]
[video squealing.]
My name is Peter.