QI (2003) s10e17 Episode Script
Jolly
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Well! Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, where we're all feeling rather jolly.
Here to tickle our ribs are four jolly good fellows.
The jovial Rob Brydon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The jocular Tim Vine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The jubilant Julia Zemiro.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And Jesus, it's Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ah, well, so if anyone wants to go beyond a joke tonight, they'll have to jingle their jangles and Julia goes LAUGHING KOOKABURRA - Oh, it's an animal from my country.
- Yeah.
- That's nice, a bird, a kookaburra, thank you.
- It is a kookaburra, - well spotted.
Tim goes - LAUGHING HYENA Oh, it's an animal from my country.
And Rob goes GIGGLING BABY - Aw! It's an animal from the country.
- Yeah.
- And Alan goes - BRAYING DONKEY - Wow.
- Fabulous.
So, simple question, who's Hapi? - He's happy in the picture.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Old men with young ladies.
Or old ladies with young men.
- I was going to say - Why not? - They may be gerontophiles.
- Not me.
- Not you? No, fair enough.
OK.
- It's one of the dwarfs.
- True, as in the old joke.
- Six out of seven dwarfs aren't Happy.
- I can't believe it! - They haven't got that on the klaxon? - No, they haven't.
This is a Hapi whose name is happy, spelt H-A-P-I.
- Edwin Starr had a song, H-A-P-P-Y Radio.
- Oh really? - Yeah.
- Anyway, continue.
- No, that's good.
It's good - good information.
We love good information here, as you know.
- We have to go back to a previous civilisation.
- Is it Um, no.
- Aztecs.
- Egyptian.
- Egyptian is right.
- Oh, get stuffed, I can't believe it! - LAUGHING KOOKABURRA - When you get it right, you don't have to insult me.
- No, I know.
- You can accept your points gracefully.
That picture is actually the backdrop to a famous game show - I'll Name That Tomb In One.
- Very good.
- What sort of reaction is that?! - It's one Tim is very used to.
- It's what I'm used to, yes.
- Yes.
That's what you sphinx.
- So that is the god - A very unusual mind we have on this show.
- It is.
This is a god called Hapi, who was always represented to have been faintly pot-bellied and sort of hermaphroditic with breasts.
Hapi had breasts, though was not considered female, and had a sort of harem of? - Ladies.
- Men.
- Animals.
- No.
- Men.
Boys.
- Castrati.
- Frogs.
- Frogs? - Yeah.
Frogs, Tim.
Er, hang on.
There'll be a pun in a minute.
Do you think if the frogs in the harem really started to get it on with each other, and one of them whipped out a camcorder, would that be frogs'-porn? Oh! APPLAUSE You are a malign influence.
The worrying thing is, I have actually done that joke in the past.
- It's too late now, it's too late.
- He's the thief of bad gags.
The fact is, Hapi was the god who was responsible for the flooding of the Nile, which was an annual event, took place in July and was cause of much celebration.
If you've ever been up or down the Nile, you will know that it's really just this great carving of green through a desert, which is all made fertile by this river.
So it was The whole civilisation was predicated on the flooding of the Nile and Hapi was the god who caused it.
So, moving on, what's the jolliest, but frankly most dangerous thing you can buy in a joke shop? LAUGHING HYENA - Tim? - I went to a joke shop.
I said, "What are you actually selling here?" He said, "Nothing, we're not a real shop.
" Anyway, I've got some jokes here that give you an example.
Here we are.
And almost all of these were invented by one man, who could be regarded as the father of the joke shop.
Have some nuts, Tim.
- What happens when you open the nuts? - JULIA: Oh no.
I'm guessing I could aim this at Rob - SQUEAKING - You're guessing.
And it's hours of laughter.
Tim, that reminds me of last Saturday evening, in an odd way.
It's a man called Soren Sorensen Adams.
And he started life working for a coal-tar derivative company.
And coal-tar derivatives have many uses, one of which was for a dye.
And the particular dye that came from coal-tar had the bizarre side effect of making people sneeze.
So the company managed to isolate the ingredient that made people sneeze and took it out.
And he happened to be passing and he saw these great barrels of the stuff that made people sneeze.
He thought, "I'll have those.
" So he founded The Cachoo Sneezing Powder Company, and it was a huge, huge success.
He sold 15,000 worth of Cachoo, just in the first year, a vast sum in 1910, which is around the time we are.
But 25 years later, it was banned by the FDA for being toxic.
- Oh.
- But he had meantime - After several deaths.
Yes.
Meantime, he had invented the squirting lapel flower.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- That would fool anybody, wouldn't it? - Oldie but a goody, yes.
There we go.
It has a little ring.
- I used to have one of those.
- There's a - Oh - Hey! Highly amusing.
- Help yourself to a dog turd.
Oops, there we are.
- Eurgh.
They're different.
The old ones were hard plastic, that's squidgy.
- You're touching that.
Eurgh.
- It's really quite unpleasant.
Oh Oh, dear! That is horrible, isn't it? JULIA: Eurgh! - Even if that isn't a dog turd, that's a horrible thing to do.
- Uuuuugh! Oh, my God! - Oh! - If you swallow that If I swallow it, it's going to come out the other end, that'll be good.
What is it then? Fake or not? Then it would be a real false turd.
Oh, actually, Alan, I'm just getting a just getting a message there's been a bit of a mix-up, apparently.
- This is a real one! - Oh dear.
And here's a Here's a You can cut your finger off.
Or you could try this pen.
Try writing something with the pen.
Oh, this is going to be hilarious.
- Go on then.
- Oh dear.
- I never touched it! - Did he get a shock? - I think so.
That is I'm really sorry, because that is quite a severe electric shock.
- It's not - I'll just take your word for it.
It's not insignificant, that one.
That is barely a joke.
- It's not funny at all, Stephen! - I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- Give it back to me.
- That really hurt.
- Aaah.
A bendy pencil.
- I don't want a bendy pencil! - A joy buzzer.
He sold three million of these during the Depression.
- When you shake hands with someone with one of those? - That's right, you put the sort of ring on your finger so it looks sort of normal.
And then - Can you buzz me? - Yeah, you want to shake hands.
Like that.
- It doesn't give you a shock.
- It's a bit of a letdown.
- It's just a buzz.
He passed on I say "he passed on this", I don't mean He thought this was too vulgar to sell - the standard whoopee cushion.
You might want to blow that up.
Yeah.
It's not Soren Lorensen, who's the imaginary friend in the Charlie and Lola books is it? No, it's not.
It's Soren Sorensen Adams.
It's quite difficult to Is this a joke whoopee cushion you can't blow up? It is difficult to get the sphincter open, isn't it? - SQUEAKING - Woah! Ah, there we go, that's right.
Maybe while Alan isn't looking Alan, lean over here for a second.
That's it, take the false egg, which is hilarious.
WHOOPEE CUSHION EMITS NO SOUND LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That was possibly the least convincing whoopee cushion noise I've ever heard.
- JULIA: Silent but deadly.
- Yeah.
- It was strangely realistic.
- Yeah.
I just smothered it completely.
- Alan's wearing a whoopee cushion silencer on his jeans.
- Very sensible.
The best one is the fart the remote-control fart machine.
- Yeah.
- Have you got one of those? - Of course I have.
Yes.
- Has anyone got one? - How does it work? - You've got to get one.
- They are marvellous.
You just, at Christmas You bury it under the cushion near your aunt.
Yes, it's funny even if you just put it under your dog's basket, because the dog - Absolutely.
- The dog goes like that.
- I'll take a picture.
Alan, smile.
- No, what's going to happen now!! Oh.
It's supposed to be water.
Anyway, we can probably put away our little tray of fun toys, having electrocuted Alan, which was the purpose of the evening.
Maybe you could pass me your - How do you blow it up then? - Could you pass me your turd? Woo.
That's meant I think if you over, maybe.
Have a go.
FRUITY RASPBERRY That's better! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - One of these has never had a round of applause from 600 people before.
- Yeah.
I read somewhere that this was "the intellectual quiz show" and you can see why.
Now, one of the things I want to prepare you for is to see if you can, during the course of today's lesson, prepare, in any spare moments you have, a limerick for me.
- You know what a limerick is? - Yes.
- Aside from being a county in - Ireland.
It's a town.
- Yes.
- There was an old man from Limerick, who was unaware of the short, often humorous, poems that shared the same name as his home town.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Very, very good.
Anyway, so do be ready for that.
But we've got a quicky for you.
What happens if you put someone's hand in a bowl of water while they're sleeping? LAUGHING BABY They have a little widdle, don't they? Oh, no! - they don't have a little widdle.
- They don't? No, it's a total myth.
Total myth, perpetuated by schoolchildren and others.
All kinds of experiments have been done.
That splendid programme, Myth Busters, tried it.
Zero wetting ensued.
There's no reason why it should happen.
- It must have happened once.
- Well, by coincidence, possibly.
- By coincidence.
That coincidence was assumed to be causal and from that moment on the myth was born.
You can try it at home, I recommend it, with your spouses and children.
Like the one where if you wet yourself while driving, you crash the car.
- I would frankly - Has that not happened to everyone? If I crashed a car, I think I would wet myself.
- It's the other way round.
- That's what's interesting about the experiment.
- Yeah, it is.
Absolutely.
What about when you fall asleep and you wake up and you've had half your eyebrow shaved off? - Then you have bad friends.
- I do have hideous friends.
- Yeah, cos that's the other thing that can happen.
- Yeah.
It's all right, I'm over it, it's fine.
- You had your eyebrows shaved off? - Yeah, you know? Obviously no-one's had it happen.
Yeah, you fall asleep and someone goes, "Oh, this will be even funnier.
" Put your hand in a bottle of thing and voom, voom, you wake up and you look hideous.
- That's just vile! - I'm Australian.
Anyway, so there you go.
What would be the best flavour for an exploding sandwich? - LAUGHING HYENA - Tim Vine? Cheese and ham grenade.
Very good.
Very good.
Excellent.
There is - No, is it wrong then? - It's wrong.
Well, I mean it would explode, obviously.
Sauerkraut and cabbage can make you explode, on a different level, also funny.
This one would make you explode on that level too.
It's in fact a classic English sandwich, as in The Importance Of Being Ernest.
- What are the sandwiches that Aunt Augusta particularly liked? - Watercress.
- Cucumber? - Mustard.
She particularly liked cucumber sandwiches.
But this a very specific species of cucumber.
There it is, you see, it's quite spiky.
- The exploding cucumber of Panama.
- There's the fuse.
- Yes, it's the exploding cucumber.
It's the squirting or exploding cucumber.
- Come on.
It's a Mediterranean plant and, when touched, it propels its seeds in a sticky mucus at over 60mph.
- You're pointing at Rob.
- I'm not pointing at Rob.
I'm just saying when that picture came up, we looked across at each other and we both went, "Oh, testicles.
" - I mean it's clear.
Didn't we? Were you? - But can we be very clear, I do not propel my seeds in a sticky mucus at 80mph.
And certainly not up to 30 feet.
- No, not Well, on a good day, on a good day.
- In the teens.
So you can see it's being touched here and you can see the effect of the operation of it exploding.
If you look carefully.
Boing! Yeah, that's I mean it's a sexual act.
I mean it is spreading its seed.
And you can see the seeds flying everywhere.
Woah! - Does it do that to itself? - Well no, it's Because that looks like another bit of it.
Yeah, when it's very, very ripe and it falls, it will do it, but otherwise when touched it will also do it.
Its actual Linnaean name is Ecballium elaterium, which translates as the squirting squirter, ecballium as in ballistics, it throws out, and that's the forceful ejection of its seeds.
But the elaterium is the fact that is a violent purgative.
So it's a squirting squirter that gives you the squirts.
So, yes, it wouldit would make you explode from behind as well.
- So in that sense it's fully explosive.
- Great! - Now, what's the worst place to be licked by a goat? - Oh! At your parents' house.
- The perineum.
- Well, the perineum would be - a bit unpleasant - What bizarre set of circumstances would result in you being, having your perineum well and truly licked by a goat? What he said is not the right answer, I ought to tell you.
- So it's not the perineum? - No, it's not.
- Is it to do with the tongue because it's so raspy and? It is to do with the raspiness of the goat's tongue.
It was used as a torture.
You would tie someone to a tree, so their legs were sticking out.
- Not licking the feet? - Bare feet and cover the feet - They did it with pigs too.
Cover the feet with honey and the goat would lick it.
At first it would be a pleasant tickling sensation, and then it would rip off layers of skin.
- It was horrible.
- Ugh.
- I know.
- It would have livened up that scene in Goldfinger, wouldn't it? He's tied down and the laser beam comes between his legs.
If he'd said, you know, "Oh, my God, no! Not the goat.
" "Ah, Mr Bond, I put some honey onto the underside on your foot.
"You might call it your sole! Ah ha ha.
- "Bring in the goat.
" - BLEATS LIKE GOAT And he goes, "Oh, no, no, not the goat.
It's a furry goat.
No.
Oh.
" And then he goes, "Actually that's quite pleasant.
" And he says, "Soon the pleasure will turn to pain, "Mr Bond.
" And then he said, "You expect me to talk?" - "No.
I expect you to die.
" - Well, yes.
But Franciscus Brunus, a late Medieval jurist and expert on torture, said in 1502, "I hear this is a very hard torture and totally safe.
" Tickling was used in the stocks as well.
You tickled people's feet in the stocks.
And in the Han Dynasty in China they used tickling a lot.
Now let's see how your J for "jeography" is.
Lots of points for the right answer and a measly minus ten for a wrong one, so try and be right.
What's the name of the largest mountain in Japan? - Fuji.
- Is the right answer! Yes.
It's an active volcano, although it hasn't actually erupted for 200 years.
- So it's probably about due.
- Yeah, it probably is.
- Vesuvius is overdue.
It's right next to Naples and it's overdue and there's no way of predicting when it will erupt.
- No, I know.
- They told us this when we went to see it on a school trip! That'll cheer you up, won't it(?) They said This is in the days before 'Ealth and Safety, They took you up into the crater to Any minute now we're expecting it.
It's overdue, we're standing in the crater of it - a party of schoolchildren - and to get there you had to walk across - a lava flow that had a sulphur crust that was about that thick.
- Woah.
And so you walked across it and there were places where it had fallen through and had just a small fence round it and underneath was - blurp, blurp - a volcanic mire.
- Yeah, I know, it's amazing, isn't it? - And they said to us, "Walk in pairs and don't jump up and down.
" That was the safety brief.
We gathered together and jumped up and down together.
Of course you did.
Because they told you not to.
Because as 12-year-old boys, what are we doing to do? Anyway, so can you name a Caribbean island group beginning with B? Bahamas.
KLAXON BLARES Oh, Alan got there first.
And I'm afraid - they're not Caribbean, no, they're Atlantic.
- What? They're not in the Caribbean, the Bahamas, they're in the Atlantic.
- I've been on holiday to them.
I've done a lot of holidays.
- Yes, you have.
There is an island group beginning with B in the Caribbean.
- British Virgin.
- Very good in the audience.
- That was a superb accent! Someone shouted out one of the rarest things you could possibly imagine, British Virgin! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I wouldn't have accepted Barbados because it's a single island.
- It's only one island, Barbados.
- Exactly.
There you go.
- The Bahamas are not in the Caribbean? - No, I know, big surprise.
This bloke came up and said, "I'm going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy.
" I said, "Don't be so silly.
" Yes.
- Finally on "jeography", which country crosses the most time zones? - Is it - Oh.
- Yeah, go on, go on, do it, do it.
- Come along.
- Oh, all right.
- LAUGHING BABY Go on, hey.
- Wales.
You see, I told you! I knew not to do it.
- And yet you won.
- And you and you're like, "Go on, do it.
" - At least you didn't get a klaxon.
Well, it was my first - Yeah? - Canada.
- No, it's not Canada.
- KLAXON BLARES - I'm afraid we did - I think it's a trick, because I think it's going to be a country that's got outposts.
Possessions, you're correct.
- Is it the United Kingdom? - It's not the United Kingdom.
We don't count our possessions as all being part of the mother country, but one ex-colonial power does regard all its outlying possessions as being - part of the mother country.
- LAUGHING KOOKABURRA - France.
- France? France is right.
Oh, yes, you got the buzzer, I'll have to give it to Julia.
- Yes.
- You were just too lazy to buzz.
- Well, I was You've got to use the buzzer, that's the rule.
Exactly.
Yes, so France has 12 different time zones.
The US has 11 time zones, because of Hawaii being all the way, and Russia nine.
Now, what is the longest thing about this animal? Oh, its cock.
- Oh, dear, oh, dear.
- Its ears.
- It's a bilby.
That's a bilby.
- It's not a bilby.
- Oh, I just lost a point.
- Is it not? And the longest thing is not the ears, we rather hid the longest thing.
It's a cute little creature.
- Is it its tail? - It is the tail.
- Well done, and let's have a look.
- Points! - I was going to say tail! - Aw.
- Oh, look at that.
- It's a cute little thing.
- Look at him! - It hops like a little kangaroo.
- It's easy to catch him, you stick your foot down.
There it goes.
- It lives in the Gobi Desert.
- JULIA: That is cute.
And it has a very long tail, as you can see, that it uses for balance and, rather like a kangaroo, it can also sit up on it.
Very, very endearing.
The ears are thought to be, you know, to let the cool to cool itself - the blood cools through the ears.
That looks rather dead, that one.
Well, he's got a He's treated himself to a Kinder Surprise.
- He's swallowed the toy and choked on it.
- Yeah.
And it's called a jerboa.
- Jerboa.
- It's called a jerboa with a J, hence our J.
It's from an Arabian word in fact, meaning "flesh of the loins", rather oddly.
But it's the same origin as the word gerbil.
And what is it about humans and big ears? - They get bigger.
- They get bigger.
- The ears get bigger.
- Yeah, I mean old So does the nose, is that right? Old men do seem to have longer ears, but the trouble is, no-one's done a study where they've measured their ears when they were younger because it could well be, it's logical - The head's getting smaller.
- .
.
that having large ears is a predictor of a long life.
- I know what that man did for a living.
- What's that? He was a bowler hat model.
JULIA: That is a weird-looking guy.
- He was a very fine bowler hat model - I've got quite big ears, but I can also see what it's like to be someone whose ears are flat against the side of their head, because I can go like that.
- Oh, my goodness.
- And I can hold it, and it's like having an instant face-lift, like that.
- How do you do that? - Well, I can't really talk like this as well.
- I see.
I'll tell you later.
It means I can do a thing like when you do it on a roller coaster and you're just going over the top, you go LAUGHTER I bet your so-called serious brother Jeremy can't do that.
- He can't do that.
- Yeah.
There's another way.
He could host a phone-in about it though, couldn't he? He could.
Call in if you can wiggle your ears.
Having a problem with your ears? Give us a ring now.
Go on.
He did once on his show genuinely have I thought they were running out of things to do that day.
He said, "Please" And, honestly, it wasn't a joke, he said, "Please phone in if the sound of your own voice terrifies you.
" That was a phone-in topic.
And did anyone call in? - People rang in screaming, "Argh!" - Any calls? - Get someone else to ring.
- Yeah, they had some people ring up.
- Sobbing.
Help me, I'm so afraid! Anyway, why would the King of France enjoy a naive salad for starters? He's got a tiny head, has he got massive ears under that wig? Of course, naive backwards is? - Evian.
- Evian, as in the water.
- Is it? - Isn't it? Evian.
- Yeah Yes, it is - Yes, it is.
- .
.
Mr Fry.
So it's not that it's backwards that it's relevant, but it's that the letters of naive make Evian, and the letters of naive salad could be rearranged to make - Dallas.
- No, that would be, that would be two Ls, darling.
- You're absolutely right, carry on.
- Yes, yeah.
Naive salad.
See if we can rearrange them.
Anyone in the audience who can see what's going on? - Alive.
- Alan Davies! APPLAUSE - JUILA: Aah, yeah! - Naive salad.
- Of course, I think your middle name is Roger, isn't it? - It is.
So Alan R Davies would be "anal adviser", um, which might be even better.
The King of France might enjoy an anal adviser.
Must get a business card done immediately.
Or you could be "a ladies van".
But the point is, the Kings of France enjoyed an Anagrammateur Royale - a royal anagrammer.
It was like a court jester.
He would make up flattering anagrams of your name.
We probably know the famous ones like Britney Spears is an anagram of? Presbyterians, rather strangely, but it is.
Virginia Bottomley, who was a Tory MP under Margaret Thatcher, anagramatises into "I'm an evil Tory bigot".
Which is just one of those things.
And you get ones The ones which always fascinate me is laptop machines is an anagram of Apple Macintosh, - which is very extraordinary, isn't it? - Oh, wacky.
And in Japan they had a similar sort of wordplay fest, which is where someone would start off with a haiku - five, seven, five syllables - and then someone would add a seven syllable line.
It was called the maeku-zuke, responding to the front line.
And you'd end up making some witty or satirical poem on the fly.
And that's why I asked you to write a limerick.
- So have you got a limerick for me? Any of you? I hope you have.
- I do.
- Oh, go on then.
- Girls first.
- Yeah.
SHE CLEARS THROAT I carouse in a style bacchanalian But I sleep in a way marsupalian I like to eat cheese But I never say please Yes, I'm French but I'm also Australian.
Oh, that's very good! It's certainly better than the one I know about an Australian.
There was a young man from Australia Who painted his arse like a dahlia.
Twopence a smell Was all very well But threepence a lick was a failure.
- Alan, what have you got for us? - I've got: There once was a show on TV That was always the smart place to be I'm fully aware You'd rather be there But instead you're stuck here with me.
Oh, very good.
I like it.
I've I've got one about Rob Brydon.
Ooh.
- Ooh! - Just because I've found something that rhymes with Brydon.
There was a young man called Rob Brydon, Whose favourite film was the Poseidon Adventure .
.
and he Would watch it regularly That funny old man called Rob Brydon.
Very good.
Excellent because that's not an easy rhyme.
Yeah, yeah.
It's easy to win on QI You don't need an IQ that's high Try not to be haughty Just be a bit naughty And make sure you please Stephen Fry.
Yo, I like it! Very good.
I say.
Highly flattering.
Many points.
Appearing one night on QI I made up three facts on the fly The first was untrue The second was too And the third was about the size of my cock.
And it was no exaggeration, Julia.
Yes.
Rob, what have you got for us? Nothing, as will become evident.
There once was a chap called Tim Vine Oh, hello.
Whose punning was simply sublime Sat next to Alan Oh, bugger! OK.
There once was a man called Tim Vine Whose punning was more than just fine Sat on the panel With no end of flannel That lovely young chap called Tim Vine.
Tim Vine.
Oh, that's very good, very good.
Very, very fine.
APPLAUSE Here's one I read in one of the Piccolo book of jokes.
There was a young man from Devizes Whose ears were different sizes One was quite small And no use at all The other was huge and won prizes.
Oh, that's very sweet.
I like that.
Excellent.
Well, the strange thing about limericks is no-one knows why they are called limericks.
They seem to have no relationship to the town of Limerick, but they are and continue to be popular and sometimes excessively rude.
There was a young chaplain from Kings Who talked about God and such things But his real desire Was a boy in the choir With a bottom like jelly on springs.
- There we go.
- Lovely.
- Fair enough.
- JULIA: Top that! - Yeah.
That brings us to the somewhat predictable punchline that we call the scores.
Let's see what's been happening.
Well, divine as he is, I'm afraid in last place with -27 is Tim Vine.
APPLAUSE In a The beau of the valleys is in third place with -6, Rob Brydon.
APPLAUSE Not good.
And far from a failure, that wonderful Franco-Australian Julia, with -3.
APPLAUSE Oh, phew.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH It makes men gasp and stretch their eyes, Alan Davies is clear winner with +12! APPLAUSE So that's all from Rob, Julia, Tim, Alan and me.
Thank you, good night and be extremely pleasant to each other.
Bye-bye.
APPLAUSE
Here to tickle our ribs are four jolly good fellows.
The jovial Rob Brydon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The jocular Tim Vine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The jubilant Julia Zemiro.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And Jesus, it's Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ah, well, so if anyone wants to go beyond a joke tonight, they'll have to jingle their jangles and Julia goes LAUGHING KOOKABURRA - Oh, it's an animal from my country.
- Yeah.
- That's nice, a bird, a kookaburra, thank you.
- It is a kookaburra, - well spotted.
Tim goes - LAUGHING HYENA Oh, it's an animal from my country.
And Rob goes GIGGLING BABY - Aw! It's an animal from the country.
- Yeah.
- And Alan goes - BRAYING DONKEY - Wow.
- Fabulous.
So, simple question, who's Hapi? - He's happy in the picture.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Old men with young ladies.
Or old ladies with young men.
- I was going to say - Why not? - They may be gerontophiles.
- Not me.
- Not you? No, fair enough.
OK.
- It's one of the dwarfs.
- True, as in the old joke.
- Six out of seven dwarfs aren't Happy.
- I can't believe it! - They haven't got that on the klaxon? - No, they haven't.
This is a Hapi whose name is happy, spelt H-A-P-I.
- Edwin Starr had a song, H-A-P-P-Y Radio.
- Oh really? - Yeah.
- Anyway, continue.
- No, that's good.
It's good - good information.
We love good information here, as you know.
- We have to go back to a previous civilisation.
- Is it Um, no.
- Aztecs.
- Egyptian.
- Egyptian is right.
- Oh, get stuffed, I can't believe it! - LAUGHING KOOKABURRA - When you get it right, you don't have to insult me.
- No, I know.
- You can accept your points gracefully.
That picture is actually the backdrop to a famous game show - I'll Name That Tomb In One.
- Very good.
- What sort of reaction is that?! - It's one Tim is very used to.
- It's what I'm used to, yes.
- Yes.
That's what you sphinx.
- So that is the god - A very unusual mind we have on this show.
- It is.
This is a god called Hapi, who was always represented to have been faintly pot-bellied and sort of hermaphroditic with breasts.
Hapi had breasts, though was not considered female, and had a sort of harem of? - Ladies.
- Men.
- Animals.
- No.
- Men.
Boys.
- Castrati.
- Frogs.
- Frogs? - Yeah.
Frogs, Tim.
Er, hang on.
There'll be a pun in a minute.
Do you think if the frogs in the harem really started to get it on with each other, and one of them whipped out a camcorder, would that be frogs'-porn? Oh! APPLAUSE You are a malign influence.
The worrying thing is, I have actually done that joke in the past.
- It's too late now, it's too late.
- He's the thief of bad gags.
The fact is, Hapi was the god who was responsible for the flooding of the Nile, which was an annual event, took place in July and was cause of much celebration.
If you've ever been up or down the Nile, you will know that it's really just this great carving of green through a desert, which is all made fertile by this river.
So it was The whole civilisation was predicated on the flooding of the Nile and Hapi was the god who caused it.
So, moving on, what's the jolliest, but frankly most dangerous thing you can buy in a joke shop? LAUGHING HYENA - Tim? - I went to a joke shop.
I said, "What are you actually selling here?" He said, "Nothing, we're not a real shop.
" Anyway, I've got some jokes here that give you an example.
Here we are.
And almost all of these were invented by one man, who could be regarded as the father of the joke shop.
Have some nuts, Tim.
- What happens when you open the nuts? - JULIA: Oh no.
I'm guessing I could aim this at Rob - SQUEAKING - You're guessing.
And it's hours of laughter.
Tim, that reminds me of last Saturday evening, in an odd way.
It's a man called Soren Sorensen Adams.
And he started life working for a coal-tar derivative company.
And coal-tar derivatives have many uses, one of which was for a dye.
And the particular dye that came from coal-tar had the bizarre side effect of making people sneeze.
So the company managed to isolate the ingredient that made people sneeze and took it out.
And he happened to be passing and he saw these great barrels of the stuff that made people sneeze.
He thought, "I'll have those.
" So he founded The Cachoo Sneezing Powder Company, and it was a huge, huge success.
He sold 15,000 worth of Cachoo, just in the first year, a vast sum in 1910, which is around the time we are.
But 25 years later, it was banned by the FDA for being toxic.
- Oh.
- But he had meantime - After several deaths.
Yes.
Meantime, he had invented the squirting lapel flower.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- That would fool anybody, wouldn't it? - Oldie but a goody, yes.
There we go.
It has a little ring.
- I used to have one of those.
- There's a - Oh - Hey! Highly amusing.
- Help yourself to a dog turd.
Oops, there we are.
- Eurgh.
They're different.
The old ones were hard plastic, that's squidgy.
- You're touching that.
Eurgh.
- It's really quite unpleasant.
Oh Oh, dear! That is horrible, isn't it? JULIA: Eurgh! - Even if that isn't a dog turd, that's a horrible thing to do.
- Uuuuugh! Oh, my God! - Oh! - If you swallow that If I swallow it, it's going to come out the other end, that'll be good.
What is it then? Fake or not? Then it would be a real false turd.
Oh, actually, Alan, I'm just getting a just getting a message there's been a bit of a mix-up, apparently.
- This is a real one! - Oh dear.
And here's a Here's a You can cut your finger off.
Or you could try this pen.
Try writing something with the pen.
Oh, this is going to be hilarious.
- Go on then.
- Oh dear.
- I never touched it! - Did he get a shock? - I think so.
That is I'm really sorry, because that is quite a severe electric shock.
- It's not - I'll just take your word for it.
It's not insignificant, that one.
That is barely a joke.
- It's not funny at all, Stephen! - I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- Give it back to me.
- That really hurt.
- Aaah.
A bendy pencil.
- I don't want a bendy pencil! - A joy buzzer.
He sold three million of these during the Depression.
- When you shake hands with someone with one of those? - That's right, you put the sort of ring on your finger so it looks sort of normal.
And then - Can you buzz me? - Yeah, you want to shake hands.
Like that.
- It doesn't give you a shock.
- It's a bit of a letdown.
- It's just a buzz.
He passed on I say "he passed on this", I don't mean He thought this was too vulgar to sell - the standard whoopee cushion.
You might want to blow that up.
Yeah.
It's not Soren Lorensen, who's the imaginary friend in the Charlie and Lola books is it? No, it's not.
It's Soren Sorensen Adams.
It's quite difficult to Is this a joke whoopee cushion you can't blow up? It is difficult to get the sphincter open, isn't it? - SQUEAKING - Woah! Ah, there we go, that's right.
Maybe while Alan isn't looking Alan, lean over here for a second.
That's it, take the false egg, which is hilarious.
WHOOPEE CUSHION EMITS NO SOUND LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That was possibly the least convincing whoopee cushion noise I've ever heard.
- JULIA: Silent but deadly.
- Yeah.
- It was strangely realistic.
- Yeah.
I just smothered it completely.
- Alan's wearing a whoopee cushion silencer on his jeans.
- Very sensible.
The best one is the fart the remote-control fart machine.
- Yeah.
- Have you got one of those? - Of course I have.
Yes.
- Has anyone got one? - How does it work? - You've got to get one.
- They are marvellous.
You just, at Christmas You bury it under the cushion near your aunt.
Yes, it's funny even if you just put it under your dog's basket, because the dog - Absolutely.
- The dog goes like that.
- I'll take a picture.
Alan, smile.
- No, what's going to happen now!! Oh.
It's supposed to be water.
Anyway, we can probably put away our little tray of fun toys, having electrocuted Alan, which was the purpose of the evening.
Maybe you could pass me your - How do you blow it up then? - Could you pass me your turd? Woo.
That's meant I think if you over, maybe.
Have a go.
FRUITY RASPBERRY That's better! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - One of these has never had a round of applause from 600 people before.
- Yeah.
I read somewhere that this was "the intellectual quiz show" and you can see why.
Now, one of the things I want to prepare you for is to see if you can, during the course of today's lesson, prepare, in any spare moments you have, a limerick for me.
- You know what a limerick is? - Yes.
- Aside from being a county in - Ireland.
It's a town.
- Yes.
- There was an old man from Limerick, who was unaware of the short, often humorous, poems that shared the same name as his home town.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Very, very good.
Anyway, so do be ready for that.
But we've got a quicky for you.
What happens if you put someone's hand in a bowl of water while they're sleeping? LAUGHING BABY They have a little widdle, don't they? Oh, no! - they don't have a little widdle.
- They don't? No, it's a total myth.
Total myth, perpetuated by schoolchildren and others.
All kinds of experiments have been done.
That splendid programme, Myth Busters, tried it.
Zero wetting ensued.
There's no reason why it should happen.
- It must have happened once.
- Well, by coincidence, possibly.
- By coincidence.
That coincidence was assumed to be causal and from that moment on the myth was born.
You can try it at home, I recommend it, with your spouses and children.
Like the one where if you wet yourself while driving, you crash the car.
- I would frankly - Has that not happened to everyone? If I crashed a car, I think I would wet myself.
- It's the other way round.
- That's what's interesting about the experiment.
- Yeah, it is.
Absolutely.
What about when you fall asleep and you wake up and you've had half your eyebrow shaved off? - Then you have bad friends.
- I do have hideous friends.
- Yeah, cos that's the other thing that can happen.
- Yeah.
It's all right, I'm over it, it's fine.
- You had your eyebrows shaved off? - Yeah, you know? Obviously no-one's had it happen.
Yeah, you fall asleep and someone goes, "Oh, this will be even funnier.
" Put your hand in a bottle of thing and voom, voom, you wake up and you look hideous.
- That's just vile! - I'm Australian.
Anyway, so there you go.
What would be the best flavour for an exploding sandwich? - LAUGHING HYENA - Tim Vine? Cheese and ham grenade.
Very good.
Very good.
Excellent.
There is - No, is it wrong then? - It's wrong.
Well, I mean it would explode, obviously.
Sauerkraut and cabbage can make you explode, on a different level, also funny.
This one would make you explode on that level too.
It's in fact a classic English sandwich, as in The Importance Of Being Ernest.
- What are the sandwiches that Aunt Augusta particularly liked? - Watercress.
- Cucumber? - Mustard.
She particularly liked cucumber sandwiches.
But this a very specific species of cucumber.
There it is, you see, it's quite spiky.
- The exploding cucumber of Panama.
- There's the fuse.
- Yes, it's the exploding cucumber.
It's the squirting or exploding cucumber.
- Come on.
It's a Mediterranean plant and, when touched, it propels its seeds in a sticky mucus at over 60mph.
- You're pointing at Rob.
- I'm not pointing at Rob.
I'm just saying when that picture came up, we looked across at each other and we both went, "Oh, testicles.
" - I mean it's clear.
Didn't we? Were you? - But can we be very clear, I do not propel my seeds in a sticky mucus at 80mph.
And certainly not up to 30 feet.
- No, not Well, on a good day, on a good day.
- In the teens.
So you can see it's being touched here and you can see the effect of the operation of it exploding.
If you look carefully.
Boing! Yeah, that's I mean it's a sexual act.
I mean it is spreading its seed.
And you can see the seeds flying everywhere.
Woah! - Does it do that to itself? - Well no, it's Because that looks like another bit of it.
Yeah, when it's very, very ripe and it falls, it will do it, but otherwise when touched it will also do it.
Its actual Linnaean name is Ecballium elaterium, which translates as the squirting squirter, ecballium as in ballistics, it throws out, and that's the forceful ejection of its seeds.
But the elaterium is the fact that is a violent purgative.
So it's a squirting squirter that gives you the squirts.
So, yes, it wouldit would make you explode from behind as well.
- So in that sense it's fully explosive.
- Great! - Now, what's the worst place to be licked by a goat? - Oh! At your parents' house.
- The perineum.
- Well, the perineum would be - a bit unpleasant - What bizarre set of circumstances would result in you being, having your perineum well and truly licked by a goat? What he said is not the right answer, I ought to tell you.
- So it's not the perineum? - No, it's not.
- Is it to do with the tongue because it's so raspy and? It is to do with the raspiness of the goat's tongue.
It was used as a torture.
You would tie someone to a tree, so their legs were sticking out.
- Not licking the feet? - Bare feet and cover the feet - They did it with pigs too.
Cover the feet with honey and the goat would lick it.
At first it would be a pleasant tickling sensation, and then it would rip off layers of skin.
- It was horrible.
- Ugh.
- I know.
- It would have livened up that scene in Goldfinger, wouldn't it? He's tied down and the laser beam comes between his legs.
If he'd said, you know, "Oh, my God, no! Not the goat.
" "Ah, Mr Bond, I put some honey onto the underside on your foot.
"You might call it your sole! Ah ha ha.
- "Bring in the goat.
" - BLEATS LIKE GOAT And he goes, "Oh, no, no, not the goat.
It's a furry goat.
No.
Oh.
" And then he goes, "Actually that's quite pleasant.
" And he says, "Soon the pleasure will turn to pain, "Mr Bond.
" And then he said, "You expect me to talk?" - "No.
I expect you to die.
" - Well, yes.
But Franciscus Brunus, a late Medieval jurist and expert on torture, said in 1502, "I hear this is a very hard torture and totally safe.
" Tickling was used in the stocks as well.
You tickled people's feet in the stocks.
And in the Han Dynasty in China they used tickling a lot.
Now let's see how your J for "jeography" is.
Lots of points for the right answer and a measly minus ten for a wrong one, so try and be right.
What's the name of the largest mountain in Japan? - Fuji.
- Is the right answer! Yes.
It's an active volcano, although it hasn't actually erupted for 200 years.
- So it's probably about due.
- Yeah, it probably is.
- Vesuvius is overdue.
It's right next to Naples and it's overdue and there's no way of predicting when it will erupt.
- No, I know.
- They told us this when we went to see it on a school trip! That'll cheer you up, won't it(?) They said This is in the days before 'Ealth and Safety, They took you up into the crater to Any minute now we're expecting it.
It's overdue, we're standing in the crater of it - a party of schoolchildren - and to get there you had to walk across - a lava flow that had a sulphur crust that was about that thick.
- Woah.
And so you walked across it and there were places where it had fallen through and had just a small fence round it and underneath was - blurp, blurp - a volcanic mire.
- Yeah, I know, it's amazing, isn't it? - And they said to us, "Walk in pairs and don't jump up and down.
" That was the safety brief.
We gathered together and jumped up and down together.
Of course you did.
Because they told you not to.
Because as 12-year-old boys, what are we doing to do? Anyway, so can you name a Caribbean island group beginning with B? Bahamas.
KLAXON BLARES Oh, Alan got there first.
And I'm afraid - they're not Caribbean, no, they're Atlantic.
- What? They're not in the Caribbean, the Bahamas, they're in the Atlantic.
- I've been on holiday to them.
I've done a lot of holidays.
- Yes, you have.
There is an island group beginning with B in the Caribbean.
- British Virgin.
- Very good in the audience.
- That was a superb accent! Someone shouted out one of the rarest things you could possibly imagine, British Virgin! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I wouldn't have accepted Barbados because it's a single island.
- It's only one island, Barbados.
- Exactly.
There you go.
- The Bahamas are not in the Caribbean? - No, I know, big surprise.
This bloke came up and said, "I'm going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy.
" I said, "Don't be so silly.
" Yes.
- Finally on "jeography", which country crosses the most time zones? - Is it - Oh.
- Yeah, go on, go on, do it, do it.
- Come along.
- Oh, all right.
- LAUGHING BABY Go on, hey.
- Wales.
You see, I told you! I knew not to do it.
- And yet you won.
- And you and you're like, "Go on, do it.
" - At least you didn't get a klaxon.
Well, it was my first - Yeah? - Canada.
- No, it's not Canada.
- KLAXON BLARES - I'm afraid we did - I think it's a trick, because I think it's going to be a country that's got outposts.
Possessions, you're correct.
- Is it the United Kingdom? - It's not the United Kingdom.
We don't count our possessions as all being part of the mother country, but one ex-colonial power does regard all its outlying possessions as being - part of the mother country.
- LAUGHING KOOKABURRA - France.
- France? France is right.
Oh, yes, you got the buzzer, I'll have to give it to Julia.
- Yes.
- You were just too lazy to buzz.
- Well, I was You've got to use the buzzer, that's the rule.
Exactly.
Yes, so France has 12 different time zones.
The US has 11 time zones, because of Hawaii being all the way, and Russia nine.
Now, what is the longest thing about this animal? Oh, its cock.
- Oh, dear, oh, dear.
- Its ears.
- It's a bilby.
That's a bilby.
- It's not a bilby.
- Oh, I just lost a point.
- Is it not? And the longest thing is not the ears, we rather hid the longest thing.
It's a cute little creature.
- Is it its tail? - It is the tail.
- Well done, and let's have a look.
- Points! - I was going to say tail! - Aw.
- Oh, look at that.
- It's a cute little thing.
- Look at him! - It hops like a little kangaroo.
- It's easy to catch him, you stick your foot down.
There it goes.
- It lives in the Gobi Desert.
- JULIA: That is cute.
And it has a very long tail, as you can see, that it uses for balance and, rather like a kangaroo, it can also sit up on it.
Very, very endearing.
The ears are thought to be, you know, to let the cool to cool itself - the blood cools through the ears.
That looks rather dead, that one.
Well, he's got a He's treated himself to a Kinder Surprise.
- He's swallowed the toy and choked on it.
- Yeah.
And it's called a jerboa.
- Jerboa.
- It's called a jerboa with a J, hence our J.
It's from an Arabian word in fact, meaning "flesh of the loins", rather oddly.
But it's the same origin as the word gerbil.
And what is it about humans and big ears? - They get bigger.
- They get bigger.
- The ears get bigger.
- Yeah, I mean old So does the nose, is that right? Old men do seem to have longer ears, but the trouble is, no-one's done a study where they've measured their ears when they were younger because it could well be, it's logical - The head's getting smaller.
- .
.
that having large ears is a predictor of a long life.
- I know what that man did for a living.
- What's that? He was a bowler hat model.
JULIA: That is a weird-looking guy.
- He was a very fine bowler hat model - I've got quite big ears, but I can also see what it's like to be someone whose ears are flat against the side of their head, because I can go like that.
- Oh, my goodness.
- And I can hold it, and it's like having an instant face-lift, like that.
- How do you do that? - Well, I can't really talk like this as well.
- I see.
I'll tell you later.
It means I can do a thing like when you do it on a roller coaster and you're just going over the top, you go LAUGHTER I bet your so-called serious brother Jeremy can't do that.
- He can't do that.
- Yeah.
There's another way.
He could host a phone-in about it though, couldn't he? He could.
Call in if you can wiggle your ears.
Having a problem with your ears? Give us a ring now.
Go on.
He did once on his show genuinely have I thought they were running out of things to do that day.
He said, "Please" And, honestly, it wasn't a joke, he said, "Please phone in if the sound of your own voice terrifies you.
" That was a phone-in topic.
And did anyone call in? - People rang in screaming, "Argh!" - Any calls? - Get someone else to ring.
- Yeah, they had some people ring up.
- Sobbing.
Help me, I'm so afraid! Anyway, why would the King of France enjoy a naive salad for starters? He's got a tiny head, has he got massive ears under that wig? Of course, naive backwards is? - Evian.
- Evian, as in the water.
- Is it? - Isn't it? Evian.
- Yeah Yes, it is - Yes, it is.
- .
.
Mr Fry.
So it's not that it's backwards that it's relevant, but it's that the letters of naive make Evian, and the letters of naive salad could be rearranged to make - Dallas.
- No, that would be, that would be two Ls, darling.
- You're absolutely right, carry on.
- Yes, yeah.
Naive salad.
See if we can rearrange them.
Anyone in the audience who can see what's going on? - Alive.
- Alan Davies! APPLAUSE - JUILA: Aah, yeah! - Naive salad.
- Of course, I think your middle name is Roger, isn't it? - It is.
So Alan R Davies would be "anal adviser", um, which might be even better.
The King of France might enjoy an anal adviser.
Must get a business card done immediately.
Or you could be "a ladies van".
But the point is, the Kings of France enjoyed an Anagrammateur Royale - a royal anagrammer.
It was like a court jester.
He would make up flattering anagrams of your name.
We probably know the famous ones like Britney Spears is an anagram of? Presbyterians, rather strangely, but it is.
Virginia Bottomley, who was a Tory MP under Margaret Thatcher, anagramatises into "I'm an evil Tory bigot".
Which is just one of those things.
And you get ones The ones which always fascinate me is laptop machines is an anagram of Apple Macintosh, - which is very extraordinary, isn't it? - Oh, wacky.
And in Japan they had a similar sort of wordplay fest, which is where someone would start off with a haiku - five, seven, five syllables - and then someone would add a seven syllable line.
It was called the maeku-zuke, responding to the front line.
And you'd end up making some witty or satirical poem on the fly.
And that's why I asked you to write a limerick.
- So have you got a limerick for me? Any of you? I hope you have.
- I do.
- Oh, go on then.
- Girls first.
- Yeah.
SHE CLEARS THROAT I carouse in a style bacchanalian But I sleep in a way marsupalian I like to eat cheese But I never say please Yes, I'm French but I'm also Australian.
Oh, that's very good! It's certainly better than the one I know about an Australian.
There was a young man from Australia Who painted his arse like a dahlia.
Twopence a smell Was all very well But threepence a lick was a failure.
- Alan, what have you got for us? - I've got: There once was a show on TV That was always the smart place to be I'm fully aware You'd rather be there But instead you're stuck here with me.
Oh, very good.
I like it.
I've I've got one about Rob Brydon.
Ooh.
- Ooh! - Just because I've found something that rhymes with Brydon.
There was a young man called Rob Brydon, Whose favourite film was the Poseidon Adventure .
.
and he Would watch it regularly That funny old man called Rob Brydon.
Very good.
Excellent because that's not an easy rhyme.
Yeah, yeah.
It's easy to win on QI You don't need an IQ that's high Try not to be haughty Just be a bit naughty And make sure you please Stephen Fry.
Yo, I like it! Very good.
I say.
Highly flattering.
Many points.
Appearing one night on QI I made up three facts on the fly The first was untrue The second was too And the third was about the size of my cock.
And it was no exaggeration, Julia.
Yes.
Rob, what have you got for us? Nothing, as will become evident.
There once was a chap called Tim Vine Oh, hello.
Whose punning was simply sublime Sat next to Alan Oh, bugger! OK.
There once was a man called Tim Vine Whose punning was more than just fine Sat on the panel With no end of flannel That lovely young chap called Tim Vine.
Tim Vine.
Oh, that's very good, very good.
Very, very fine.
APPLAUSE Here's one I read in one of the Piccolo book of jokes.
There was a young man from Devizes Whose ears were different sizes One was quite small And no use at all The other was huge and won prizes.
Oh, that's very sweet.
I like that.
Excellent.
Well, the strange thing about limericks is no-one knows why they are called limericks.
They seem to have no relationship to the town of Limerick, but they are and continue to be popular and sometimes excessively rude.
There was a young chaplain from Kings Who talked about God and such things But his real desire Was a boy in the choir With a bottom like jelly on springs.
- There we go.
- Lovely.
- Fair enough.
- JULIA: Top that! - Yeah.
That brings us to the somewhat predictable punchline that we call the scores.
Let's see what's been happening.
Well, divine as he is, I'm afraid in last place with -27 is Tim Vine.
APPLAUSE In a The beau of the valleys is in third place with -6, Rob Brydon.
APPLAUSE Not good.
And far from a failure, that wonderful Franco-Australian Julia, with -3.
APPLAUSE Oh, phew.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH It makes men gasp and stretch their eyes, Alan Davies is clear winner with +12! APPLAUSE So that's all from Rob, Julia, Tim, Alan and me.
Thank you, good night and be extremely pleasant to each other.
Bye-bye.
APPLAUSE