QI (2003) s13e11 Episode Script
Menagerie
APPLAUSE STEPHEN WAILS Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
Welcome to Qi which, tonight, is a menagerie of animals beginning with M.
Let's meet our man children.
The mammalian Romesh Ranganathan APPLAUSE .
.
the marsupial Bill Bailey APPLAUSE .
.
the microscopic Sue Perkins APPLAUSE .
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and the missing mink Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE So, let's hear it for the monkeys, please.
Sue goes MONKEY SCREECHES Stop, stop.
.
.
Romesh goes MONKEY GIBBERS LAUGHTER .
.
Bill goes MONKEY SHRIEKS - Which, you do, actually, don't you? - I do, yeah.
.
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and Alan goes # Hey hey, we're the Monkees People say we monkey around So, it's a menagerie.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
Very good, well done.
Thank you very much.
What's? What? What just happened? LAUGHTER We're imagining an imaginary menagerie manager - managing an imaginary menagerie.
Boom! - Wow.
- APPLAUSE - That certainly is impressive.
It's a menagerie.
Animal collections.
That monkey's really staring you out, Stephen.
LAUGHTER All right.
Now, do an impression, if you can, of a moose on the pull.
LAUGHTER A moose on the pull? OK.
ROMESH ROARS - Very good.
Probably.
That will enter into it.
- When it goes "Are you a parking ticket "cos you got fine written all over you-ooh?" LAUGHTER - Is that a genuine pick-up line? I love it.
- I think it might be.
- "Fine written all over you.
" - I'm not actually sure what It's not really the sound.
It's actually a physicalmaybe.
- It's a physical impression.
- Did you do that? A male moose would do that? Does it go up? Does it go up on its rear legs and Eh? LAUGHTER Eh? See anything you like, moose lady? LAUGHTER - Or moose gentleman.
- LAUGHTER So, what order of mammal is a moose? It is elk, isn't it? Or a deer? Well, an elk is simply the European name for what Americans call a moose.
- I've seen one.
- I've seen one.
LAUGHTER I went to Canada and I was staying in a cabin Yeah? .
.
and I woke up in the morning, and I looked out the window, and it was right outside the window.
They're almost entirely silent.
Yes.
They're so stealthy, you wouldn't think - I mean, they're huge - they're like a horse - Oh, right.
.
.
but they hardly make any sound at all, and they creep about.
Frankly, they're unnerving.
They're surreptitious.
Surreptitious.
I'm amazed it makes any noise Would be more like this, then? Would be more like sort of? Don't look.
Look away.
Pretend you're a moose - at a disco or something.
- LAUGHTER - Fancy a bunk up? - LAUGHTER Is it something like that? APPLAUSE "Fancy a bunk up?" - It's a moose.
- He said, "Fancy a bunk up?" You haven't chatted anyone up since the '70s, have you? LAUGHTER I sort of feel sorry for animals Like, well, moose.
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because they haven't got How do you? If you're going on the pull, as a moose, how do you stick out from the herd? If you're a human and you're struggling on the pull, you can get, like, a snazzy haircut or, like, a cool jacket.
- Do you know what I mean? - LAUGHTER So, the moose does something else.
BILL: Ah! It goes on Tinder, is that right? LAUGHTER There's an equivalent of tundra Tinder.
Is there? Tundra Tinder, I like it.
Tindra.
What are they, as an order of mammal? - They are - Deer.
- Deer, they are deer.
What the deer's mating season? - The males called it - Rut.
- They rut.
One of the things they do in their rut, the males, is they dig a hole - It's the equivalent of wearing a smart jacket.
- OK.
.
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and they urinate into the hole, and then they pull all the - pissy mud, let's call it - Sexy times.
- Yup.
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all around their legs and all around their bodies.
- They cover themselves in urine-soaked mud.
- Dirty.
And they go a little distance from the hole and they sit down.
They wait for the female to come - who, as a female would, would go, "I like the smell of this.
" LAUGHTER - It's muddy and it's - Pissy! - .
.
slightly pissy.
Just a little touch of piss.
And they get in there and cover themselves in that mixture and then mating happens.
And then he says, "Fancy a bunk up?" LAUGHTER Yeah.
But before that, they've got to go through the other rutting procedure, which is why they've got the antlers, and that's fighting with other males.
Are there any female moose that aren't necessarily drawn in by the toxic, heady brew of urine, mud and some slightly wonky antlers? If there are, unfortunately they'll probably die out because the only ones that mate are the ones that go in for this, and they pass on their genes.
What does it smell like? As bad as it sounds, I fear.
Are you moose-curious now? LAUGHTER I am moose-curious.
I want to smell your mudmoosey boy.
LAUGHTER Anyway, to impress the females, a moose on the pull really has to splash out a bit.
Where would you find the world's most dangerous moustache? LAUGHTER Oh, look at Selleck there.
Can I just point out that this bit of Hitler's moustache, is that? It is a shadow.
Did he cut a bit off there or is that a shadow? LAUGHTER - That's what tipped him over the edge.
- It was, yes.
- He was shaving and - So, we're criticising Hitler now, are we? - Yes.
- LAUGHTER The more I hear about him, the less I like him.
Of course, we're in a menagerie world here so this moustache is not belonging to a human being.
- A shark.
- Is it a horse? A moustache on a shark, that's dangerous.
Is it the moustached lizard? - LAUGHTER No.
- Is it the Terry-Thomas gecko? Komodo dragon.
You could go dragon.
It's not a dragon, it's not an iguana.
- It's actually - The KOMODO dragon.
Badoing, badoing.
A gecko.
A leaping lizard.
ROMESH: The Selleck frog.
Amphibious.
- The trampolining, amphibious - Frog! Other one.
Toad! - Is the right answer.
- It's a toad?! It's a toad.
It's the moustachioed toad.
- Moustachioed toad.
- The Emei.
- Wow.
- Look at that, that is seriously dangerous.
Look how he's done it, he's gelled it up.
LAUGHTER Those studs Again, we're back in the rutting world.
- Oh, God, look at that.
- .
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tear into fellow males so that you can get the right mate.
And then give the worst snog of all time.
LAUGHTER Well, it lives in China, and in the mating season, it builds up its forearms - Oh, yeah? - Right.
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but also for mating - for the grasping the female.
And then it grows this moustache and then they fight a male rival at the bottom of the river stream over a particular female - and they aim for each other's stomachs to rip at them.
Really, it's nasty business.
kind of combat are injured, so it's a really pretty God, it make you grateful to be a human, doesn't it, sometimes? Yeah.
Really? That's your life? Underwater stomach ripping? Being intestinally jarred by someone's weird, pointy moustache.
- Not for me.
- When they then get the female, they fertilise the eggs that the female has laid.
They get a little rock and they have to stay on the rock or another male might challenge them for the rock and fertilise the spare eggs and then, when they are hatched - It sheds its horns.
- .
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it sheds its moustache - Its love horns.
- .
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and goes around clean-shaven.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
The Emei.
E-M-E-I.
- Emei.
- Yeah.
Now, we all know there are perfectly good reasons for shaving a toad, but why would you want to shave the monkey? MONKEY SHRIEKS LAUGHTER Do you know it? To find out if it was the Antichrist.
LAUGHTER Have the 666 or related number, according to Is it some sort of, like, monkey stag do? - Well - He goes to sleep and they shave him completely.
- And then he'll wake up and go, "Ha-ha-ha(!)" - It's not that.
SLOWLY: It's like this with extreme slowness and laziness - Sloth.
- Are you a lazy monkey? I would be languid - A langur.
- A langur.
- Oh, hello.
- Where do you find langur monkeys? That one in the middle does not look lazy.
LAUGHTER Psychotic? Yes.
- It's langur.
- Oh, right, OK.
- That's what they're called.
Do they like Madagascar? Do they go there? I don't think so.
It's all lemurs, I think.
They're India.
There's a lot of them.
Such a lot that there's a real problem.
They're considered an infestation and so Indian authorities decided they would try something, which is - You shave the leader of a particular troop of langurs - Yes.
- .
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the alpha male - Yup.
.
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and rather than him being expelled and another male taking his place, - the group disbands.
- Oh.
And that sort of solves the problem of the infestation because they're a damn nuisance.
Pests, they're considered.
I mean In their own place, the jungle - They can be quite scary.
- .
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fantastic.
It's amazing, leaping through trees.
Once they get habituated to humans, they pull your hair, they bite I've got a howler monkey bite here that still aggravates me.
"Oh, poor Stephen.
" LAUGHTER - Were you trying to shave it? - LAUGHTER For your own wicked purposes? LAUGHTER Just horrible.
I like a smooth monkey myself.
Take it away, take it away.
This monkey's too hairy.
Oh, yes, bring him to me.
I will shave him.
No, um - Oh! - MONKEY SHRIEKS ALAN JOINS IN In 2001, several large langurs were employed by the Indian government.
They were paid, in the form of bananas, and they basically had to police the defence centre where rhesus macaques were stealing food and paperwork, - they were pulling women's saris off - Paperwork? - Yes.
- Very anti-bureaucracy monkeys.
- It was the Ministry of Defence complex.
And sothey were small.
So they got the big langurs to police them, essentially, and they did.
They pushed them out to the post office.
LAUGHTER And they've worked there ever since.
Doing paperwork.
The thing is, the baboons in Cape Town, they have to have monitors because they're protected, so they can't actually take them out and put them on a perch.
No, it's illegal to kill them.
It's like killing a cow, they are sacred in the Hindu religion.
The God, Lord Hanuman, apparently, is the monkey god.
But they're a damn nuisance, so it's very difficult to know what to do but shaving seems a good answer.
Well, there you are! Now then, how do you titillate this ocelot? - Aww! - AUDIENCE: Aww! Oh, you can't, surely Do you? It's probably vicious, though, isn't it? I mean, these things will have your arm off, won't they? Well done for not saying the famous thing of - "How do you titillate an ocelot?" - Which is to? Oscillate its tits a lot.
LAUGHTER You didn't do that.
This is tree ocelot, which actually is better known by another name which begins with our themed letter.
There it is.
Beautiful animal.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- I've played with one A kitten one.
.
.
they're absolutely extraordinary.
You know what they're called? Margays.
Margays.
Margay.
M-A-R-G-A-Y.
Margay.
HUSKILY: Margay.
And they are a tree ocelot because, as you can see from that photo, they are tree-dwelling.
Have you shaved it, Stephen? LAUGHTER They are almost unique amongst the cat family in that, not only can they climb trees headfirst They can fell them LAUGHTER They can descend trees headfirst - which no other cat, except the cloud leopard, can do.
- God, look at that.
- There they are.
- He's rappelling.
- He's rappelling down - He is, isn't he? - Look at that.
And they do this by revolving their ankles 180 degrees.
- It's astonishing.
- Oh, that is fascinating.
They really are extraordinary and so poised in balance, but there are not many tree-living cats.
- Are their ankles? - Margays, they're called? - Yep.
And the fact that other cats can't is the reason The cat stuck in the tree business.
They are stunning.
They live in central and southern America.
They can imitate The really rare thing about them, no other cat can do this, they can imitate Paul Daniels.
LAUGHTER - They can imitate - All the characters from Coronation Street.
They can imitate Bruce Forsyth.
HE IMITATES BRUCE FORSYTH They imitate the calls of wild monkeys.
Jimmy Carr laughing.
LAUGHTER The pied tamarin is the famous one there.
- Look at that.
- What is that? Headsubmerged in fur.
That's a really cute body attached to the most hideous head I've ever seen.
LAUGHTER It's a pied tamarin.
I don't think it usually looks quite as Well, odd as that.
A small little Like a tree monkey? Yep, exactly.
Now, for a question about migration, I'm going to ask you all to take out a map that you should find beneath your desks.
- Oh, yeah.
- There you are.
And you've got some drawing to do on the map.
I want you to draw the extraordinary annual migration of the North American blue grouse - as accurately as you can.
- Right.
North America.
OK, so anywhere? Not Alaska, then? Is it Alaska? Could be Alaska? The point is that I don't tell you until LAUGHTER I've got a feeling that they want to get to another bit of North America, but they go the wrong way LAUGHTER .
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and they end up going all the way around the world - and landing on the other kind of - OK, there you go.
Florida for the sun and then to the Carnival in Rio and then to Sydney And then Cape Town, is it? So they go to all the Mardi Gras? Well, they go to all the Mardi Gras.
They're just mad for it.
And then up here, where there's, like, a cheese-rolling in Britain, they like that.
LAUGHTER And then they're just knackered.
and the ones that are still alive, back home.
It's a fantastic route.
I just think that sort of they go just on a trip round South America just to have a look - might as well make a day of it.
- I reckon they go about a mile to the next village.
- Yeah.
Well, I think what happens is they start off and they overshoot, and they end up going completely round, not hitting any landmass at all, and they think, "We'll give it one more go," and they end up in Colchester.
They've no idea but, for millennia, they've ended up in Colchester.
Alan, yours Show the ladies and gentlemen.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh, dear.
Well, wouldn't it be funny if you were right? You're trying not to smile.
- You're trying not to.
- I don't want to look at it.
- You like it.
- I don't like it.
I don't like it.
"Do I like these? I don't like these.
" - It's funny.
- I don't like it.
- OK - I don't like it! Stop that.
OK.
Incredibly, closest to the truth was Alan.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Hold on.
Not in your drawing but in the remark you My first idea that they leave America and go right around the world and land in America again? - No.
In the remark you just made to Bill.
- What? "I reckon they just" Go about a mile to the next village.
Yes! It's even less than that.
It's extraordinary migration is 300 yards.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE My kind of bird.
I love the thought of them packing their cases - Leaving a note for the milkman.
- Are we there yet? Are we there yet? "Unplug the telly!" Every spring, it goes down to its breeding grounds and then, in the autumn, it schleps all the way back up the hill again.
That's Does it take a long time? On foot, by the way.
Not even flying.
I mean, they are massive, aren't they? Based on those footprints.
LAUGHTER Enormous.
Yes.
The name for the insatiable urge to migrate is Zugunruhe.
It's German for movement and restlessness.
- GERMAN ACCENT: Zugunruhe! - LAUGHTER But anyway, where does a marsh warbler go for singing lessons? - A marsh warbler? - Marsh warbler.
Do they copy other birds' songs? Is it one of those? Take a lot of points.
Come on, points.
APPLAUSE You're absolutely right.
Mimicry.
Usually, you think bird learns its musical repertoire from its parents and almost all birds do.
The marsh warbler doesn't, because its parents stop singing before it hatches.
They've got 31 European and 45 African species in their repertoire.
So, they sound like all the birds of Africa and Europe to us.
And they can switch from one to another? Yeah, because they're just imitating all the different ones around them.
Do they have the own distinctive one, or is just a composite? No.
You can never tell it's a marsh warbler by listening.
We can hear one.
MARSH WARBLER SINGS We might have a bird expert in saying, "Ah, it is imitating the" If you got a marsh warbler and you just played it Taylor Swift or something, would it start? LAUGHTER Because that's your go-to thing, is it? I've got a marsh warbler, I want to see what this can do.
- Let's get some Taylor Swift - LAUGHTER Swift, oddly enough, great birdies.
Taylor Swallow.
BILL CHUCKLES LAUGHTER No, you're going into dangerous territory there.
Dear, oh, dear.
That's excellent.
"Taylor Swallow.
" LAUGHTER I'm going to play you a bird song right now I had a dream about that the other night.
LAUGHTER - No need.
- I'm going to play you a bird song.
BILL: No need for that.
BIRD SONG What's this? BIRD SONG "Help me.
Help me.
" "He's shaving me again.
" LAUGHTER So, we've got it over there.
"You can't park here.
" That quite close, "Can't park.
" - Illegal item in the bagging area.
- Morepork! - Wahey, got it.
Morepork.
- Morepork.
- Morepork.
There it is on the left.
It's also a Tasmanian owl but it's called a morepork.
- I thought you had just translated what that meant.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER He said, "More pork.
" Correct.
He's asking for more pork.
- He's asking for more pork.
Yes.
- LAUGHTER And we've heard the marsh warbler.
The monotonous lark is so-called cos it's monotonous.
A monotonous lark.
"Come on, we're going on a monotonous lark.
" LAUGHTER We're going on a narrow boat holiday.
LAUGHTER THAT is a monotonous lark.
I went on one of those.
"Oh, that'll will be fun.
Let's go on a narrow boat holiday," and everyone was taking turns doing the engine.
Cut to a couple of miles later, everyone downstairs drinking wine.
- Me upstairs - HE MIMICS ENGINE .
.
for three days.
Three days like that HE MIMICS ENGINE "Do you want a glass of wine, Bill?" "No, no, I'm fine up here.
I'll be fine.
" HE MIMICS ENGINE Worst weekend of my life.
I just want you to know that nothing involving Norfolk is ever monotonous.
LAUGHTER - The marabou stork - Oh, yeah.
.
.
is often given the label, "The ugliest bird in the animal kingdom" That's not fair.
OK, name an uglier one.
- All right.
- Don't make me say it.
No! LAUGHTER Edwina Currie.
Oh! Avian One of the reasons it's considered so ugly is SUE LAUGHS Edwina Currie, really? I wouldn't have gone straight there.
- It was a good choice, wasn't it? I went through a couple.
- It was safer.
It was like you had it "Don't make me say it - Edwina Currie.
" And I DIDN'T make you say that.
The reason the marabou stork is considered so ugly, perhaps, is not just its appearance.
It's because of its behaviour.
It's peevish.
Well, it squirts its excrement onto its legs, such that They are black, but they become white because they get dried on, caked on That's laziness, isn't it? If Montgomery Burns, from The Simpsons, was a bird - That would be! You're right.
- That would be it, yeah.
It dumps on its own leg AS MR BURNS: Poo on my legs, excellent.
LAUGHTER They'll eat just about any creature living or dead - along with faeces, scraps, carrion, human rubbish - including shoes and pieces of metal.
They're pretty dodgy creatures.
LAUGHTER Marsh warblers just make it up as they go along.
ALAN LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY Now for a question about metamor LAUGHTER What happened while I was reading? I had my back turned to you and I was looking at the blackboard.
Honestly, sir.
Nothing, sir.
No, sir, Davies showed me a picture of a penis, sir.
LAUGHTER - He showed me that, sir.
- Sir, sir.
That is not a penis.
Sir, sir, look at Bailey's drawing of a penis, sir.
I never drew such thing, sir.
What's wrong with his penis if he draws one like that, sir?! He drew a penis on the world.
He drew a penis on the world! That's got That's illegal, isn't it? LAUGHTER Oh, Lord.
LAUGHTER Now it's time to stumble blindly into the morass of General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers.
All right.
Where does a mosquito go to concentrate? - A blood bank.
- LAUGHTER Very good.
APPLAUSE - Library.
- Library? Oh, no, Sue! KLAXON BLARES Of course, the word "concentrate" can mean different things and we mean a concentrate - Where's the greatest concentration - Oh, I see.
.
.
of mozzies? Where? - A marsh.
- Near rivers and things.
- Yeah, well.
- Swamps.
- Where? - Africa? - KLAXON BLARES Not Africa? Scotland.
Mediterranean.
Loads of midges in Scotland.
Midges, yes, but these are mosquitoes.
Specifically mosquitoes.
Portugal.
It's that quantity, you don't get that in Africa, you don't get that in Where's that? .
.
Panama, you don't get that in south-east Asia.
You get that only in the Arctic.
Oh.
The Arctic.
Oh.
In Alaska and Manitoba.
Where there's virtually nothing alive with no blood anywhere.
I've never seen I've been to Alaska lots and never seen a mosquito.
- Well, you have to be there at - The right time.
Or wrong time, really, yeah.
There's the beauty that is Alaska, and the standing pools of water are perfect for mosquito breeding.
Yes, the densest concentrations of mosquitoes in the world are in the Arctic.
Including all the animals, on average, how many legs does an animal have? What's the average number of legs that animals have? - Oh, you That's tough - All living things.
- .
.
because you've got to balance - Three! - .
.
a millipede - KLAXON BLARES LAUGHTER My guess is that most numbers will be in the system.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I mean, there are billions of things like ants, aren't there? There are.
Insects.
Gigantic.
They have six.
That must bump the average right up.
There are huge numbers of mites and they all have eight.
And then you got millipedes and centipedes.
- But lots of them have none.
- Worms have got none.
- Stick with that thought.
- So, worms have got no legs.
- Slugs have none.
One! One leg! - That's it.
- That the closest we've got.
I'm afraid it's not KLAXON BLARES LAUGHTER Is it no legs? Well, it's 0.
01 is the average.
Because there's that many worms.
Because Is this cos of fish? No, it's because nematodes.
ALL: Oh.
Yeah, they're a sort of worm.
There are ten to the power of 22, which is a vast number, on Earth.
What is that?! and 1,000 times more than there are insects.
There's a parasitic nematode that lives in the human eye Oh! My God.
.
.
and it can grow to seven centimetres long, which is What?! .
.
serious.
AUDIENCE GROAN Wahey! No, we don't want to see that.
Come on.
How can you tell if you've got a nematode in your eye? Would you feel it wriggling around? Would it be wiggling? Would you see it moving, for example? You'd hear it talking.
If it's like that, a friend would see it.
A friend would say, "Oh, just a sec till I get the corner of my hanky, "you've got an enormous worm in your eye!" LAUGHTER - Yes.
Hypocrite.
First cast out the nematode in your eye.
- Yes.
Judge not and you'll be not judged.
Yes, so many animals are completely legless that the overall average is about 100th of a leg each.
Finally, a question about macropods.
How many legs does a kangaroo have? Oh, don't say any numbers.
Don't say any numbers.
LAUGHTER Do you know my favourite bit in Toy Story? Go on.
- It's the dinosaur that's got little arms, right? - Yeah.
And he doesn't want to see something - something terrible is happening - and he goes, "Somebody cover my eyes!" LAUGHTER That is a brilliant moment.
I love that bit.
Two.
Two.
KLAXON BLARES LAUGHTER It won't be nought or four either.
"How many legs?" How many LEGS has it got? Well, you won't like this answer but Simon Fraser University in Burnaby, Canada, corralled red kangaroos through a chamber which measured the downward forces.
They discovered that kangaroos put their front legs on the ground and move their back legs forwards at the same time as they push their tail onto the floor and use it to propel themselves forward.
The team found that the amount of force from the tail was as great as that from the other four limbs combined - So, it's five? - .
.
making it effectively a fifth leg, so not just a fifth leg, but the most important of the five.
Yeah.
It's a tail, though, isn't it? It is a tail, but it's a kind of limb.
Well, if you'd said limbs Hey hey, we're the Monkees.
Yes, sir? Five.
LAUGHTER - No, no, you can't have that.
- No, he can't.
He can't.
He can't have that.
Minus 5 for rank standing impertinence.
The point is, you could cut off Obviously, you shouldn't.
.
.
a kangaroo's forearms or arms and it could get around perfectly happily and you could cut off one of its rear legs and even it could still hop and get around - but if you cut off its tail, it couldn't You'd be a sadistic bastard.
LAUGHTER Which scientist conducted that experiment? LAUGHTER Kangaroos have almost five legs above average, which brings me to, miraculously, the scores.
- BILL: Oh, no.
- Oh, dear.
Oh, my, good night.
Well, nobody managed to push through into a positive number, I'm afraid.
But our least successful on minus 28 I know why, and it's Oh, Sue Perkins.
- SHE LAUGHS - "I know why.
" APPLAUSE In third place, on minus 8, is Romesh.
Oh, yes! APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH And please don't fall off these dizzy heights.
Alan Davies on minus 3.
CHEERING APPLAUSE Pretty pleased with that.
And our super soaraway winner on minus 1 is Bill Bailey.
CHEERING APPLAUSE So, it's good night from Romesh, Sue, Bill, Alan and me.
You have been magnificent and I want you to stay that way.
Many thanks and good night.
APPLAUSE
Welcome to Qi which, tonight, is a menagerie of animals beginning with M.
Let's meet our man children.
The mammalian Romesh Ranganathan APPLAUSE .
.
the marsupial Bill Bailey APPLAUSE .
.
the microscopic Sue Perkins APPLAUSE .
.
and the missing mink Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE So, let's hear it for the monkeys, please.
Sue goes MONKEY SCREECHES Stop, stop.
.
.
Romesh goes MONKEY GIBBERS LAUGHTER .
.
Bill goes MONKEY SHRIEKS - Which, you do, actually, don't you? - I do, yeah.
.
.
and Alan goes # Hey hey, we're the Monkees People say we monkey around So, it's a menagerie.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
Very good, well done.
Thank you very much.
What's? What? What just happened? LAUGHTER We're imagining an imaginary menagerie manager - managing an imaginary menagerie.
Boom! - Wow.
- APPLAUSE - That certainly is impressive.
It's a menagerie.
Animal collections.
That monkey's really staring you out, Stephen.
LAUGHTER All right.
Now, do an impression, if you can, of a moose on the pull.
LAUGHTER A moose on the pull? OK.
ROMESH ROARS - Very good.
Probably.
That will enter into it.
- When it goes "Are you a parking ticket "cos you got fine written all over you-ooh?" LAUGHTER - Is that a genuine pick-up line? I love it.
- I think it might be.
- "Fine written all over you.
" - I'm not actually sure what It's not really the sound.
It's actually a physicalmaybe.
- It's a physical impression.
- Did you do that? A male moose would do that? Does it go up? Does it go up on its rear legs and Eh? LAUGHTER Eh? See anything you like, moose lady? LAUGHTER - Or moose gentleman.
- LAUGHTER So, what order of mammal is a moose? It is elk, isn't it? Or a deer? Well, an elk is simply the European name for what Americans call a moose.
- I've seen one.
- I've seen one.
LAUGHTER I went to Canada and I was staying in a cabin Yeah? .
.
and I woke up in the morning, and I looked out the window, and it was right outside the window.
They're almost entirely silent.
Yes.
They're so stealthy, you wouldn't think - I mean, they're huge - they're like a horse - Oh, right.
.
.
but they hardly make any sound at all, and they creep about.
Frankly, they're unnerving.
They're surreptitious.
Surreptitious.
I'm amazed it makes any noise Would be more like this, then? Would be more like sort of? Don't look.
Look away.
Pretend you're a moose - at a disco or something.
- LAUGHTER - Fancy a bunk up? - LAUGHTER Is it something like that? APPLAUSE "Fancy a bunk up?" - It's a moose.
- He said, "Fancy a bunk up?" You haven't chatted anyone up since the '70s, have you? LAUGHTER I sort of feel sorry for animals Like, well, moose.
.
.
because they haven't got How do you? If you're going on the pull, as a moose, how do you stick out from the herd? If you're a human and you're struggling on the pull, you can get, like, a snazzy haircut or, like, a cool jacket.
- Do you know what I mean? - LAUGHTER So, the moose does something else.
BILL: Ah! It goes on Tinder, is that right? LAUGHTER There's an equivalent of tundra Tinder.
Is there? Tundra Tinder, I like it.
Tindra.
What are they, as an order of mammal? - They are - Deer.
- Deer, they are deer.
What the deer's mating season? - The males called it - Rut.
- They rut.
One of the things they do in their rut, the males, is they dig a hole - It's the equivalent of wearing a smart jacket.
- OK.
.
.
and they urinate into the hole, and then they pull all the - pissy mud, let's call it - Sexy times.
- Yup.
.
.
all around their legs and all around their bodies.
- They cover themselves in urine-soaked mud.
- Dirty.
And they go a little distance from the hole and they sit down.
They wait for the female to come - who, as a female would, would go, "I like the smell of this.
" LAUGHTER - It's muddy and it's - Pissy! - .
.
slightly pissy.
Just a little touch of piss.
And they get in there and cover themselves in that mixture and then mating happens.
And then he says, "Fancy a bunk up?" LAUGHTER Yeah.
But before that, they've got to go through the other rutting procedure, which is why they've got the antlers, and that's fighting with other males.
Are there any female moose that aren't necessarily drawn in by the toxic, heady brew of urine, mud and some slightly wonky antlers? If there are, unfortunately they'll probably die out because the only ones that mate are the ones that go in for this, and they pass on their genes.
What does it smell like? As bad as it sounds, I fear.
Are you moose-curious now? LAUGHTER I am moose-curious.
I want to smell your mudmoosey boy.
LAUGHTER Anyway, to impress the females, a moose on the pull really has to splash out a bit.
Where would you find the world's most dangerous moustache? LAUGHTER Oh, look at Selleck there.
Can I just point out that this bit of Hitler's moustache, is that? It is a shadow.
Did he cut a bit off there or is that a shadow? LAUGHTER - That's what tipped him over the edge.
- It was, yes.
- He was shaving and - So, we're criticising Hitler now, are we? - Yes.
- LAUGHTER The more I hear about him, the less I like him.
Of course, we're in a menagerie world here so this moustache is not belonging to a human being.
- A shark.
- Is it a horse? A moustache on a shark, that's dangerous.
Is it the moustached lizard? - LAUGHTER No.
- Is it the Terry-Thomas gecko? Komodo dragon.
You could go dragon.
It's not a dragon, it's not an iguana.
- It's actually - The KOMODO dragon.
Badoing, badoing.
A gecko.
A leaping lizard.
ROMESH: The Selleck frog.
Amphibious.
- The trampolining, amphibious - Frog! Other one.
Toad! - Is the right answer.
- It's a toad?! It's a toad.
It's the moustachioed toad.
- Moustachioed toad.
- The Emei.
- Wow.
- Look at that, that is seriously dangerous.
Look how he's done it, he's gelled it up.
LAUGHTER Those studs Again, we're back in the rutting world.
- Oh, God, look at that.
- .
.
tear into fellow males so that you can get the right mate.
And then give the worst snog of all time.
LAUGHTER Well, it lives in China, and in the mating season, it builds up its forearms - Oh, yeah? - Right.
.
.
but also for mating - for the grasping the female.
And then it grows this moustache and then they fight a male rival at the bottom of the river stream over a particular female - and they aim for each other's stomachs to rip at them.
Really, it's nasty business.
kind of combat are injured, so it's a really pretty God, it make you grateful to be a human, doesn't it, sometimes? Yeah.
Really? That's your life? Underwater stomach ripping? Being intestinally jarred by someone's weird, pointy moustache.
- Not for me.
- When they then get the female, they fertilise the eggs that the female has laid.
They get a little rock and they have to stay on the rock or another male might challenge them for the rock and fertilise the spare eggs and then, when they are hatched - It sheds its horns.
- .
.
it sheds its moustache - Its love horns.
- .
.
and goes around clean-shaven.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
The Emei.
E-M-E-I.
- Emei.
- Yeah.
Now, we all know there are perfectly good reasons for shaving a toad, but why would you want to shave the monkey? MONKEY SHRIEKS LAUGHTER Do you know it? To find out if it was the Antichrist.
LAUGHTER Have the 666 or related number, according to Is it some sort of, like, monkey stag do? - Well - He goes to sleep and they shave him completely.
- And then he'll wake up and go, "Ha-ha-ha(!)" - It's not that.
SLOWLY: It's like this with extreme slowness and laziness - Sloth.
- Are you a lazy monkey? I would be languid - A langur.
- A langur.
- Oh, hello.
- Where do you find langur monkeys? That one in the middle does not look lazy.
LAUGHTER Psychotic? Yes.
- It's langur.
- Oh, right, OK.
- That's what they're called.
Do they like Madagascar? Do they go there? I don't think so.
It's all lemurs, I think.
They're India.
There's a lot of them.
Such a lot that there's a real problem.
They're considered an infestation and so Indian authorities decided they would try something, which is - You shave the leader of a particular troop of langurs - Yes.
- .
.
the alpha male - Yup.
.
.
and rather than him being expelled and another male taking his place, - the group disbands.
- Oh.
And that sort of solves the problem of the infestation because they're a damn nuisance.
Pests, they're considered.
I mean In their own place, the jungle - They can be quite scary.
- .
.
fantastic.
It's amazing, leaping through trees.
Once they get habituated to humans, they pull your hair, they bite I've got a howler monkey bite here that still aggravates me.
"Oh, poor Stephen.
" LAUGHTER - Were you trying to shave it? - LAUGHTER For your own wicked purposes? LAUGHTER Just horrible.
I like a smooth monkey myself.
Take it away, take it away.
This monkey's too hairy.
Oh, yes, bring him to me.
I will shave him.
No, um - Oh! - MONKEY SHRIEKS ALAN JOINS IN In 2001, several large langurs were employed by the Indian government.
They were paid, in the form of bananas, and they basically had to police the defence centre where rhesus macaques were stealing food and paperwork, - they were pulling women's saris off - Paperwork? - Yes.
- Very anti-bureaucracy monkeys.
- It was the Ministry of Defence complex.
And sothey were small.
So they got the big langurs to police them, essentially, and they did.
They pushed them out to the post office.
LAUGHTER And they've worked there ever since.
Doing paperwork.
The thing is, the baboons in Cape Town, they have to have monitors because they're protected, so they can't actually take them out and put them on a perch.
No, it's illegal to kill them.
It's like killing a cow, they are sacred in the Hindu religion.
The God, Lord Hanuman, apparently, is the monkey god.
But they're a damn nuisance, so it's very difficult to know what to do but shaving seems a good answer.
Well, there you are! Now then, how do you titillate this ocelot? - Aww! - AUDIENCE: Aww! Oh, you can't, surely Do you? It's probably vicious, though, isn't it? I mean, these things will have your arm off, won't they? Well done for not saying the famous thing of - "How do you titillate an ocelot?" - Which is to? Oscillate its tits a lot.
LAUGHTER You didn't do that.
This is tree ocelot, which actually is better known by another name which begins with our themed letter.
There it is.
Beautiful animal.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- I've played with one A kitten one.
.
.
they're absolutely extraordinary.
You know what they're called? Margays.
Margays.
Margay.
M-A-R-G-A-Y.
Margay.
HUSKILY: Margay.
And they are a tree ocelot because, as you can see from that photo, they are tree-dwelling.
Have you shaved it, Stephen? LAUGHTER They are almost unique amongst the cat family in that, not only can they climb trees headfirst They can fell them LAUGHTER They can descend trees headfirst - which no other cat, except the cloud leopard, can do.
- God, look at that.
- There they are.
- He's rappelling.
- He's rappelling down - He is, isn't he? - Look at that.
And they do this by revolving their ankles 180 degrees.
- It's astonishing.
- Oh, that is fascinating.
They really are extraordinary and so poised in balance, but there are not many tree-living cats.
- Are their ankles? - Margays, they're called? - Yep.
And the fact that other cats can't is the reason The cat stuck in the tree business.
They are stunning.
They live in central and southern America.
They can imitate The really rare thing about them, no other cat can do this, they can imitate Paul Daniels.
LAUGHTER - They can imitate - All the characters from Coronation Street.
They can imitate Bruce Forsyth.
HE IMITATES BRUCE FORSYTH They imitate the calls of wild monkeys.
Jimmy Carr laughing.
LAUGHTER The pied tamarin is the famous one there.
- Look at that.
- What is that? Headsubmerged in fur.
That's a really cute body attached to the most hideous head I've ever seen.
LAUGHTER It's a pied tamarin.
I don't think it usually looks quite as Well, odd as that.
A small little Like a tree monkey? Yep, exactly.
Now, for a question about migration, I'm going to ask you all to take out a map that you should find beneath your desks.
- Oh, yeah.
- There you are.
And you've got some drawing to do on the map.
I want you to draw the extraordinary annual migration of the North American blue grouse - as accurately as you can.
- Right.
North America.
OK, so anywhere? Not Alaska, then? Is it Alaska? Could be Alaska? The point is that I don't tell you until LAUGHTER I've got a feeling that they want to get to another bit of North America, but they go the wrong way LAUGHTER .
.
and they end up going all the way around the world - and landing on the other kind of - OK, there you go.
Florida for the sun and then to the Carnival in Rio and then to Sydney And then Cape Town, is it? So they go to all the Mardi Gras? Well, they go to all the Mardi Gras.
They're just mad for it.
And then up here, where there's, like, a cheese-rolling in Britain, they like that.
LAUGHTER And then they're just knackered.
and the ones that are still alive, back home.
It's a fantastic route.
I just think that sort of they go just on a trip round South America just to have a look - might as well make a day of it.
- I reckon they go about a mile to the next village.
- Yeah.
Well, I think what happens is they start off and they overshoot, and they end up going completely round, not hitting any landmass at all, and they think, "We'll give it one more go," and they end up in Colchester.
They've no idea but, for millennia, they've ended up in Colchester.
Alan, yours Show the ladies and gentlemen.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh, dear.
Well, wouldn't it be funny if you were right? You're trying not to smile.
- You're trying not to.
- I don't want to look at it.
- You like it.
- I don't like it.
I don't like it.
"Do I like these? I don't like these.
" - It's funny.
- I don't like it.
- OK - I don't like it! Stop that.
OK.
Incredibly, closest to the truth was Alan.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Hold on.
Not in your drawing but in the remark you My first idea that they leave America and go right around the world and land in America again? - No.
In the remark you just made to Bill.
- What? "I reckon they just" Go about a mile to the next village.
Yes! It's even less than that.
It's extraordinary migration is 300 yards.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE My kind of bird.
I love the thought of them packing their cases - Leaving a note for the milkman.
- Are we there yet? Are we there yet? "Unplug the telly!" Every spring, it goes down to its breeding grounds and then, in the autumn, it schleps all the way back up the hill again.
That's Does it take a long time? On foot, by the way.
Not even flying.
I mean, they are massive, aren't they? Based on those footprints.
LAUGHTER Enormous.
Yes.
The name for the insatiable urge to migrate is Zugunruhe.
It's German for movement and restlessness.
- GERMAN ACCENT: Zugunruhe! - LAUGHTER But anyway, where does a marsh warbler go for singing lessons? - A marsh warbler? - Marsh warbler.
Do they copy other birds' songs? Is it one of those? Take a lot of points.
Come on, points.
APPLAUSE You're absolutely right.
Mimicry.
Usually, you think bird learns its musical repertoire from its parents and almost all birds do.
The marsh warbler doesn't, because its parents stop singing before it hatches.
They've got 31 European and 45 African species in their repertoire.
So, they sound like all the birds of Africa and Europe to us.
And they can switch from one to another? Yeah, because they're just imitating all the different ones around them.
Do they have the own distinctive one, or is just a composite? No.
You can never tell it's a marsh warbler by listening.
We can hear one.
MARSH WARBLER SINGS We might have a bird expert in saying, "Ah, it is imitating the" If you got a marsh warbler and you just played it Taylor Swift or something, would it start? LAUGHTER Because that's your go-to thing, is it? I've got a marsh warbler, I want to see what this can do.
- Let's get some Taylor Swift - LAUGHTER Swift, oddly enough, great birdies.
Taylor Swallow.
BILL CHUCKLES LAUGHTER No, you're going into dangerous territory there.
Dear, oh, dear.
That's excellent.
"Taylor Swallow.
" LAUGHTER I'm going to play you a bird song right now I had a dream about that the other night.
LAUGHTER - No need.
- I'm going to play you a bird song.
BILL: No need for that.
BIRD SONG What's this? BIRD SONG "Help me.
Help me.
" "He's shaving me again.
" LAUGHTER So, we've got it over there.
"You can't park here.
" That quite close, "Can't park.
" - Illegal item in the bagging area.
- Morepork! - Wahey, got it.
Morepork.
- Morepork.
- Morepork.
There it is on the left.
It's also a Tasmanian owl but it's called a morepork.
- I thought you had just translated what that meant.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER He said, "More pork.
" Correct.
He's asking for more pork.
- He's asking for more pork.
Yes.
- LAUGHTER And we've heard the marsh warbler.
The monotonous lark is so-called cos it's monotonous.
A monotonous lark.
"Come on, we're going on a monotonous lark.
" LAUGHTER We're going on a narrow boat holiday.
LAUGHTER THAT is a monotonous lark.
I went on one of those.
"Oh, that'll will be fun.
Let's go on a narrow boat holiday," and everyone was taking turns doing the engine.
Cut to a couple of miles later, everyone downstairs drinking wine.
- Me upstairs - HE MIMICS ENGINE .
.
for three days.
Three days like that HE MIMICS ENGINE "Do you want a glass of wine, Bill?" "No, no, I'm fine up here.
I'll be fine.
" HE MIMICS ENGINE Worst weekend of my life.
I just want you to know that nothing involving Norfolk is ever monotonous.
LAUGHTER - The marabou stork - Oh, yeah.
.
.
is often given the label, "The ugliest bird in the animal kingdom" That's not fair.
OK, name an uglier one.
- All right.
- Don't make me say it.
No! LAUGHTER Edwina Currie.
Oh! Avian One of the reasons it's considered so ugly is SUE LAUGHS Edwina Currie, really? I wouldn't have gone straight there.
- It was a good choice, wasn't it? I went through a couple.
- It was safer.
It was like you had it "Don't make me say it - Edwina Currie.
" And I DIDN'T make you say that.
The reason the marabou stork is considered so ugly, perhaps, is not just its appearance.
It's because of its behaviour.
It's peevish.
Well, it squirts its excrement onto its legs, such that They are black, but they become white because they get dried on, caked on That's laziness, isn't it? If Montgomery Burns, from The Simpsons, was a bird - That would be! You're right.
- That would be it, yeah.
It dumps on its own leg AS MR BURNS: Poo on my legs, excellent.
LAUGHTER They'll eat just about any creature living or dead - along with faeces, scraps, carrion, human rubbish - including shoes and pieces of metal.
They're pretty dodgy creatures.
LAUGHTER Marsh warblers just make it up as they go along.
ALAN LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY Now for a question about metamor LAUGHTER What happened while I was reading? I had my back turned to you and I was looking at the blackboard.
Honestly, sir.
Nothing, sir.
No, sir, Davies showed me a picture of a penis, sir.
LAUGHTER - He showed me that, sir.
- Sir, sir.
That is not a penis.
Sir, sir, look at Bailey's drawing of a penis, sir.
I never drew such thing, sir.
What's wrong with his penis if he draws one like that, sir?! He drew a penis on the world.
He drew a penis on the world! That's got That's illegal, isn't it? LAUGHTER Oh, Lord.
LAUGHTER Now it's time to stumble blindly into the morass of General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers.
All right.
Where does a mosquito go to concentrate? - A blood bank.
- LAUGHTER Very good.
APPLAUSE - Library.
- Library? Oh, no, Sue! KLAXON BLARES Of course, the word "concentrate" can mean different things and we mean a concentrate - Where's the greatest concentration - Oh, I see.
.
.
of mozzies? Where? - A marsh.
- Near rivers and things.
- Yeah, well.
- Swamps.
- Where? - Africa? - KLAXON BLARES Not Africa? Scotland.
Mediterranean.
Loads of midges in Scotland.
Midges, yes, but these are mosquitoes.
Specifically mosquitoes.
Portugal.
It's that quantity, you don't get that in Africa, you don't get that in Where's that? .
.
Panama, you don't get that in south-east Asia.
You get that only in the Arctic.
Oh.
The Arctic.
Oh.
In Alaska and Manitoba.
Where there's virtually nothing alive with no blood anywhere.
I've never seen I've been to Alaska lots and never seen a mosquito.
- Well, you have to be there at - The right time.
Or wrong time, really, yeah.
There's the beauty that is Alaska, and the standing pools of water are perfect for mosquito breeding.
Yes, the densest concentrations of mosquitoes in the world are in the Arctic.
Including all the animals, on average, how many legs does an animal have? What's the average number of legs that animals have? - Oh, you That's tough - All living things.
- .
.
because you've got to balance - Three! - .
.
a millipede - KLAXON BLARES LAUGHTER My guess is that most numbers will be in the system.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I mean, there are billions of things like ants, aren't there? There are.
Insects.
Gigantic.
They have six.
That must bump the average right up.
There are huge numbers of mites and they all have eight.
And then you got millipedes and centipedes.
- But lots of them have none.
- Worms have got none.
- Stick with that thought.
- So, worms have got no legs.
- Slugs have none.
One! One leg! - That's it.
- That the closest we've got.
I'm afraid it's not KLAXON BLARES LAUGHTER Is it no legs? Well, it's 0.
01 is the average.
Because there's that many worms.
Because Is this cos of fish? No, it's because nematodes.
ALL: Oh.
Yeah, they're a sort of worm.
There are ten to the power of 22, which is a vast number, on Earth.
What is that?! and 1,000 times more than there are insects.
There's a parasitic nematode that lives in the human eye Oh! My God.
.
.
and it can grow to seven centimetres long, which is What?! .
.
serious.
AUDIENCE GROAN Wahey! No, we don't want to see that.
Come on.
How can you tell if you've got a nematode in your eye? Would you feel it wriggling around? Would it be wiggling? Would you see it moving, for example? You'd hear it talking.
If it's like that, a friend would see it.
A friend would say, "Oh, just a sec till I get the corner of my hanky, "you've got an enormous worm in your eye!" LAUGHTER - Yes.
Hypocrite.
First cast out the nematode in your eye.
- Yes.
Judge not and you'll be not judged.
Yes, so many animals are completely legless that the overall average is about 100th of a leg each.
Finally, a question about macropods.
How many legs does a kangaroo have? Oh, don't say any numbers.
Don't say any numbers.
LAUGHTER Do you know my favourite bit in Toy Story? Go on.
- It's the dinosaur that's got little arms, right? - Yeah.
And he doesn't want to see something - something terrible is happening - and he goes, "Somebody cover my eyes!" LAUGHTER That is a brilliant moment.
I love that bit.
Two.
Two.
KLAXON BLARES LAUGHTER It won't be nought or four either.
"How many legs?" How many LEGS has it got? Well, you won't like this answer but Simon Fraser University in Burnaby, Canada, corralled red kangaroos through a chamber which measured the downward forces.
They discovered that kangaroos put their front legs on the ground and move their back legs forwards at the same time as they push their tail onto the floor and use it to propel themselves forward.
The team found that the amount of force from the tail was as great as that from the other four limbs combined - So, it's five? - .
.
making it effectively a fifth leg, so not just a fifth leg, but the most important of the five.
Yeah.
It's a tail, though, isn't it? It is a tail, but it's a kind of limb.
Well, if you'd said limbs Hey hey, we're the Monkees.
Yes, sir? Five.
LAUGHTER - No, no, you can't have that.
- No, he can't.
He can't.
He can't have that.
Minus 5 for rank standing impertinence.
The point is, you could cut off Obviously, you shouldn't.
.
.
a kangaroo's forearms or arms and it could get around perfectly happily and you could cut off one of its rear legs and even it could still hop and get around - but if you cut off its tail, it couldn't You'd be a sadistic bastard.
LAUGHTER Which scientist conducted that experiment? LAUGHTER Kangaroos have almost five legs above average, which brings me to, miraculously, the scores.
- BILL: Oh, no.
- Oh, dear.
Oh, my, good night.
Well, nobody managed to push through into a positive number, I'm afraid.
But our least successful on minus 28 I know why, and it's Oh, Sue Perkins.
- SHE LAUGHS - "I know why.
" APPLAUSE In third place, on minus 8, is Romesh.
Oh, yes! APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH And please don't fall off these dizzy heights.
Alan Davies on minus 3.
CHEERING APPLAUSE Pretty pleased with that.
And our super soaraway winner on minus 1 is Bill Bailey.
CHEERING APPLAUSE So, it's good night from Romesh, Sue, Bill, Alan and me.
You have been magnificent and I want you to stay that way.
Many thanks and good night.
APPLAUSE