Red Dwarf s11e05 Episode Script
Krysis
RED DWARF S11-E05-KRYSIS In memory of J.
H.
S.
SAS MBE - Now there was a lad.
Ow! Ah! Ow! Lister, it's six in the morning, what are you doing?! I'm just trimming my big toe with these lawn edge trimmers.
So you've finished Kierkegaard's The Concept of Irony then? I've got an ingrown toenail, Rimmer.
It's killin' me, man.
Thank it for me.
I've tried everythin'.
Scissors, nail file Why don't you get Kryten to do it for you? Have you seen the size of his hands? They're like space shovels.
It would be like asking Herman Munster for a circumcision.
No thanks! Speaking of Breakfast, Sir.
Kryten, it's six o'clock in the mornin'! We moved the clocks forward today, Sir.
And remember last year when it was time to move the clocks forward and you wanted another hour in bed? So you asked if I could move the clocks forward an extra hour the following year instead? Well, we've actually been doing that now for the last seven years.
So in actuality, according to space adjusted time, It is now two in the afternoon.
Which means, breakfast time! I'll just tuck this napkin in for you, Sir.
Thank you.
There we go.
And I'll just fluff this pillow up a bit.
Fluff, fluff, fluff.
There we go, Sir.
Is there anything you don't do for him? When he goes to the loo, do you fit a special hand made from three-ply toilet tissue? That's an excellent suggestion, Sir.
I'll make a note! Actually, you're all right, Kryte! Um, what's for breakfast? The Full Lister, Sir.
Ahhh, the Full Lister! Eggs, bacon, sausages, hash browns, onions, six slices of white toast, double-buttered on both sides with mustard.
And a beer milkshake to wash it all down with! Ta-da!! Oh, Sir! I'm so sorry! I must have forgotten to make it.
What is wrong with me? Ah, you're all right, Kryten.
Are you okay? How could I be so stupid?! Stupid, stupid, stupid? Stupid, stupid, stupid!? You talkin' about me? Krytes isn't feeling too good.
Oh.
What's up, brother mine? I've been a little distracted of late.
I think I might have lost something that's fundamental to my very being.
One of your nipple nuts dropped off again? It's nothing like that, Sir.
I think I've lost my love of mopping.
And not just mopping.
Scrubbing, dusting, even wiping! Which is always my favorite.
It's like a little light's gone out inside.
Kryten, it's called your sanity circuit.
What's brought all this on? Well, just recently I've started thinking about the universe.
About how cosmic inflation of the time of the Big Bang means it's constantly expanding, until one day, it's going to burst! And when it does, everything in the universe is gonna cease to exist! Including the works of the greatest minds.
Einstein, Mozart, Da Vinci, Hoover, Dyson, Hotpoint, Dust Buster! And it got me thinking: If everything in the universe is going to end, including time itself, what is the point in cleaning above eye level?! Good question.
If, one day, the universe is going to explode, who cares if the oven is a bit gunky? Nothing matters, Sir.
Justice, truth, culture, morality, life, death, religion, war - It's all absurd.
Why even get up in the morning? I've been asking that for years! What am I going to do? Why don't you take an ice-cold shower.
That'll fix it! I'm not waterproof, Sir.
Exactly.
Kryten, what about Silicon Heaven? Does that bring you no comfort? Well, just lately, I've started to think that the idea of an after-life for machines is preposterous.
No! Well, especially as appliances who are pledged to the wrong manufacturer aren't even allowed in! It just seems so unfair that all the BlackBerries burn in Silicon Hell.
What's eating you, Bud? I'm not sure, Sir.
Perhaps it's something to do with today being the anniversary of my creation? Happy Creation Day, Bud! Yeah, Happy Creation Day! I came off the conveyor belt 2,976,000 years ago today.
Where did all the years go? What's got into him? Wait a minute.
How old did Kryten say he was? Three million? Give or take an ice age or two? And how long are mechs built to last before the Grimm Ruster comes along? Another 3 million? Give or take an ice age or two? Well there's your answer, then.
Kryten's having a mid-life crisis.
What even is a mid-life crisis? I don't think us cats ever get 'em.
It's a period when people, usually half way through life, are forced to confront their own mortality.
Put it this way, have you ever felt: "I've wasted my life.
" You?! Sure! Every single day! No.
Have you ever felt you've wasted your life? No! Have you felt "There's so much more I could have been?" Noooo! Have you ever felt that "If I went back in time and had my time again I'd" F-forget it.
I suppose you can't blame Kryten for feeling like this, he's nearly 3 million years old, and what does he got to show for it? Mozart was five when he wrote Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.
Yeah, but what did he do after that, huh? He got a bad case of "Sick of Nursery Rhyme Syndrome" right? Mozart, Dummy, is one of the greatest musical gods of allmusic! And after "Twinkle", he went on to write, among other things, the Best of Mozart! And, the Best of Mozart Volume Two! It must be so hard for you being the only one here with a classical education.
It is! Kryten? What have you done to yourself?! What do you think? It's the new DX-87 shell.
Carbon fiber, Rosso Corsa red, Alcantara trim, with twin exhausts! It has a top walking speed of get this, twelve miles an hour! And you should see how this hoochie takes corners.
It is pip-tacular! Plus, with the new push-rod suspension system, allowing my nose to be lower to the ground, I can take corners at 38 degrees! Kryten, Sit down.
We wanna talk to ya.
Check this.
Kryten, do you know what a mid-life crisis is? Sure do-ski.
It's a period of emotional turmoil in the middle of life.
Symptoms are usually unexpected anger, a loss of interest in things once considered important, and a desire to try to recapture your youth! Now, check out these sub-woofers! You feel that bass? Is that not some serious bump?! I'm feeling it! I'm feeling it! We should play this on the Nova 5! Yeow! Yeah! Turn that thing off! Kryten! You're having a mid-life crisis.
That's preposterous.
I'm a mech! Denying you're having a mid-life crisis is a key characteristic of having a mid-life crisis.
It is?! How long we're gettin' an earring? A red sports car? An interest in extreme sports? I need time to think about this.
Perhaps I'll go bungee jumping in the lifts shaft and mull it over.
I wonder why I'm so attracted to bungee jumping all of a sudden.
Yes, he's having a full-on mid-life crisis.
Next thing, he'll be leaving us for a younger crew! Look.
We need to help him.
What do you suggest? A lunar road trip herding vacuum cleaners? We've got to show him how much he's evolved, whats he's achieved.
He hasn't achieved anything because he spends all his time looking after you! Oh, get out of town Rimmer.
He's been independent ever since I helped him break his programming.
Yes, independent - to look after you! Okay, how about this, Remember years ago, that tech we took from the Nova 5? Kryten's old ship? Yeah, didn't they have some special "find" fleet software? So the ships could locate each other? What you're suggesting is we find one of badly damaged Apostle-head's old ships? We find one with a mech on board - it'll show Kryten how much he's evolved.
How long will that take? Well, once the scanners have located a ship, it will be no time at all, 'cause we'll go into stasis til we get there.
Are we there yet? Let me check.
Right.
Got it! There's a ship, 222 klicks from here.
Name? Nova 3 The 3s were launched 100 years before the Nova 5s Any life signs, Sir? One.
Mechanoid 3000 series.
Goes by the name of "Butler".
What's his ship doing out here? Well, according to the mission log, they were looking for a missing research station.
It was attempting to communicate with the universe.
Back in the day, there used to be a theory, now dismissed as preposterous, that the universe was an intelligent entity.
Bet you're really looking forward to meeting Butler.
He'll probably be unable to lie, won't he, Sir? Or cheat, deceive, brag, boast, whinge, exaggerate, or be proud, pompous, or self-important.
In fact, he won't be able to do any of the things I've taught you.
Thinking back, I see now, I've had such a privileged upbringing.
Aw, Krytes! It's going to be like when you discover someone from school is doing really badly.
It always gives you that lovely, warm, fuzzy feeling inside.
In fact, I've got a list I carry around in my man purse of all the kids doing worse than me.
Short list, is it? Derrick Smitherton.
He was our head boy.
Won every prize going.
Dated all the best-looking girls.
But he ended up as a bald divorcee.
working in a sewage treatment plant in the Falkland Islands.
And they say there's no God.
Butler! Kryten.
How lovely to meet you.
Follow me and I'll escort you to our bridge.
Oh, you have a bridge! How very quaint.
Back on the Nova 5, we have a command room.
Oh, how grand.
Our bridge is nothing very special, I'm afraid.
I hope you don't mind, but I prepared some canapes I thought you might be peckish after your journey.
So, we have bleu blanc coeur, rilletts de menthe, Or, if you prefer, Baklan-cini bruschettes with a tomato balsamic reduction.
Mmm yum! I'll match that yum and raise you a yum and make it yum, yum! I hope you like vintage champagne? Krug Clos Du Mesnil 2140.
Indeed we do! Derrieres up! I'll have a beer.
This way.
After the crew died, I converted this space into a gallery so I had somewhere to keep the paintings.
Oh, the captain had quite a collection! These are quite stunning! Oh no, no - these are my paintings, Kryten.
You own all these paintings? I painted the paintings.
It gives me a break from the concertos that I put on to entertain the vending machines.
Are you musical, Kryten? Sometimes he hums when he's vaccing.
Musical? No, Butler.
But it's long something I've intended to take up.
Concerto.
The etymology is fascinating.
It's the conjunction of concerere, meaning to join, and certame; to fight.
The idea is that the two parts of the concerto, the soloist and the orchestra, alternate episodes of opposition and cooperation and the creation of the music flow.
Uh, this floor - am I right in thinking you've used our old friend Piny-Shine with its famed protective coating and anti-slip finish? I must confess I don't recall.
I've been rather distracted lately finishing my latest novel.
Reading? Writing.
Splendid.
What's it about? It delineates the events surrounding the droid uprising and invasion of Callisto back in the late 22nd century, and the impact the uprising has on lunar society, as seen through the eyes of five privileged human families.
Do you write, Kryten? Shopping lists, laundry lists.
That midnight oil hardly gets a breather! Rimmer.
Incidentally, if any of you have any diseases, I most probably have an antidote.
Breakthrough medical cures is a hobby of mine.
Do you dabble in medical science? He's got a beltin' cure for hiccoughs.
Yeah.
You drink a glass of water through a straw while sticking your fingers in your ears.
No, no, no - it so works! We're expecting the Nobel Prize for Medicine through the cargo bay door any day now.
Before I show you the rest of my ship, I have to make one thing very clear; I have no intention of ever leaving the Nova 3.
My only captain now is my own muse.
You will join us for the day though, surely.
My pleasure.
Rimmer, Have you seen this painting here? How is this helping Kryten? Forget Kryten! If we can make Butler change his mind, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to update our mech! What? Get rid of Kryten? Oh, we'll keep him for the cleaning.
Let Butler take care of the science.
I've only had a perfunctory look, but I think I can rather help expand your EM booster circuits.
Well sadly that won't be possible, Butler.
We simply cannot afford to have Starbug out of commission for any length of time.
There.
Done.
Hang on, what's this?! The blinking machine's gone full-on red blinky! Gelf gunships - 6 of them.
Coming in at 210 mark 4.
60 seconds to intercept.
Coming in both fore and starboard sides! They're stabilizing! Preparing to lock on! Suggestions?! Reroute power to the fusion boosters.
Try and outrun them.
Okay, spinning up engines one, drive two! I don't mean to interfere but if you do that, won't the gunships simply take advantage of the open drives and electro-jam the engine? They've electro-jammed our engines! They're locking on! Incoming.
Prepare yourself to die! Human ship of scum.
Equahecte, is that you?! Butler?! (Speaking Gelf.
) Ah, ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha! (Speaking Gelf.
) (Speaking Gelf.
) You two know each other? I'm his daughter's godfather.
It was Equahecte's way of thanking me after I helped his sick tribe.
My tribe avoid big death when Butler make skin demons flee.
My pleasure.
And I still treasure the Gelfberry wine you gave me.
Best weed killer I've ever had! My freesia and alders absolutely love it.
(Speaking Gelf) You're too kind! Equahecte's promised to safely escort us back to Red Dwarf We must thank him.
On behalf of all the Red Dwarf crew, let me say (Speaking Gelf) Actually Kryten, it's: (Speaking Gelf) Here, say it with me.
Maghhh.
Mahhh.
No, it's-it's in the throat.
Maghh.
Mahh.
No.
Maghh.
Mahh Maghh, Mahh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh That's it! Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh! Maghh Yeah, let's say it's quite close.
The Sakken Yakko dialect's a little trickier to master than the Kinitawowi.
Later, I'd be happy to go over with with you.
That would be most useful.
Oh, I forgot to ask, Equahecte, how's Baknaknigahf? (Speaking Gelf) His father is dying of fever.
Oh, do you have a cure, Butler? Possibly.
It's hard to say without seeing him.
Well then you must go.
Go, begone and go! Butler: (Speaking Gelf) Equahecte: (Speaking Gelf) They'll tele-port me aboard their ship and then afterwards return me to the Nova 3.
I must bid you farewell.
Perhaps we could get together sometime soon? I have the Nova 3's handshake frequencies written right here, Sir.
Good luck, my friends.
And may every day bring us each a little more wisdom.
Hey! It's my watch.
No need Sir.
I'm happy to do it.
How ya doin'? I'd just liked to have been better than Butler at something.
Just one small, tiny, itsy-bitty thing.
I had a mid-life crisis once.
You didn't say.
Yeah, it was about 3 years ago.
Had all the classic symptoms.
First, I denied it.
Then I got angry.
Then I started thinking about missed opportunities, then I got depressed.
And then finally, I accepted it.
How long did this whole thing last, Sir? About 5 minutes.
5 minutes?! Yeah, I just thought: "Dave, you're getting older.
Move on!" Just like that?! That's how you have a mid-life crisis in the North, Krytes! Bish, Bosch, done.
You don't toss about.
I wish I could be the same, Sir.
But I just can't.
Things didn't exactly go to plan back there, did they? It really brought home to me what a wretched failure my whole life has been.
Butler is several generations before me, and yet he's done so much more with what he's been given.
Whoa! What the smeg was that?! It's the EM boosters.
Of course! Butler, the damn fool, He didn't realize, that unlike the Nova 3, all our boards have universal linkage! Meaning?! The engines are gonna burnout, Sir.
He'll look utterly stupid! So does that mean we're gonna crash? How stupid is he gonna look then! Yeah, but say we die! Even better! Is there no way we can land and repair?! Well, we could.
But why should we help Butler out? Kryten!! Oh, my jealousy chip's overloading, Sir! Return to sane mode.
Of course we should land.
Where? Anywhere before the whole board is affected.
Turning all power off now.
Couldn't we make it back to Red Dwarf?! Too many course adjustments.
We need to find somewhere along our present line of velocity.
Okay.
Scanning.
Scanning.
Scanning.
There! It's about 9 hours from here.
We can make it! Look, take over.
I'll go tell the others! And don't forget to tell them whose fault it was! Perhaps I'm gonna give you a call after all! This is perfect! All we need is a power source to setup the adjustment array.
SIU? What's that? The Search for an Intelligent Universe.
This must have been the missing space station the Nova 3 was looking for.
The universe, so some scientists believe, is a living entity.
So they built a space station to communicate with it? No doubt armed with rizlas the length of ski bags.
Well, judging by a cursory glance through the crew files, Sir, they all appear to be leading pioneers in their fields.
And I think we all know what was growing in their fields.
Did any communication ever take place between the scientists and the universe? It appears not.
Maybe they called and the universe was out? More likely, the scientists were long dead before the computers their billions of calibrations.
Look at that.
It's like call waiting.
It appears as if the universe is on hold, Sir.
No way has it been waiting all this time.
It's going to be seriously smegged off.
Not as smegged off as Butler when he finds out what we've discovered! Leave this to me.
Hello.
Is there anyone there? Yes.
I am here.
To whom as I speaking, please? I am the entity known to you as The Universe.
Ah, Mr.
Universe, Sir.
It's not "Mr.
Universe", Rimmer.
That's some geezer with pecs and a posin' pouch.
Ask him the meaning of life.
Hang on.
How can we know for certain that you are, indeed, THE universe? I am the universe.
I am everything.
I am the entire contents of space.
I am all matter and energy.
I am time.
I am the totality of all existence.
Says you.
But can you prove it? What are you asking for, Rimmer? A utility bill? Photo ID? A spend-and-save card? Look.
Let me take over.
For you, Kryten.
You're up.
Sir? All your worries about the big burst, the meaning of life - now's your chance.
Ask the Universe.
Perhaps you can help, Sir.
I've been struggling of late to comprehend the point of existence.
Explain.
Well, if you're going to die in 14 billion years' time, what's the point in anything? Wait.
I'm gonna die?! Oh, yes.
Wh-- in just 14 billion years' time?! I'm halfway through my life, then.
No wonder I'm not as hot as I once was.
No wonder I'm expanding exponentially.
You've just sent the universe into a full-on mid-life crisis.
Oh my! Halfway through my life, and I've only ever created one lousy, stupid planet with intelligent life.
And that's debatable.
What have I've been doing all this time? Making life from nothing is really rather tricky, Sir.
You've done rather well! Wait.
If - if I die and I leave nothing behind, my life has no meaning.
And existence is senseless.
Ain't that right? No! No? I've been thinking about this.
If you created in the universe, then you must have created love.
And it strikes me that there may be no God, and no afterlife, no one knows.
But we do know love exists.
And if it does, then life has meaning.
Let's hear it for the universe! Great job, Guy! That's very kind.
Thank you.
I must confess, I feel a whole lot better.
So do I! Is there any advice you can give us before we jog on? Yes.
What? Kryten, take off that suit.
It really sucks.
What a very strange day.
Strange, but reassuring.
I realize now, we're all in the same boat.
Even the universe.
And even though the boat has a hole in it, at least we get to see the sea! Butler, it's Kryten.
I'm calling to say "Hi" and thank you for today.
Ha! Not at all.
Incidentally, when we left you, we stumbled across a space station.
And the most incredible thing, it turned out to be the space station you were looking for, and guess what!! We actually talked to the universe.
The actual universe itself.
What do you make of that? Oh, you know the universe? You call him Uni? You purposely expanded our EM circuits so I'd meet him?! You thought it might help me?! You have him on speed dial!?
H.
S.
SAS MBE - Now there was a lad.
Ow! Ah! Ow! Lister, it's six in the morning, what are you doing?! I'm just trimming my big toe with these lawn edge trimmers.
So you've finished Kierkegaard's The Concept of Irony then? I've got an ingrown toenail, Rimmer.
It's killin' me, man.
Thank it for me.
I've tried everythin'.
Scissors, nail file Why don't you get Kryten to do it for you? Have you seen the size of his hands? They're like space shovels.
It would be like asking Herman Munster for a circumcision.
No thanks! Speaking of Breakfast, Sir.
Kryten, it's six o'clock in the mornin'! We moved the clocks forward today, Sir.
And remember last year when it was time to move the clocks forward and you wanted another hour in bed? So you asked if I could move the clocks forward an extra hour the following year instead? Well, we've actually been doing that now for the last seven years.
So in actuality, according to space adjusted time, It is now two in the afternoon.
Which means, breakfast time! I'll just tuck this napkin in for you, Sir.
Thank you.
There we go.
And I'll just fluff this pillow up a bit.
Fluff, fluff, fluff.
There we go, Sir.
Is there anything you don't do for him? When he goes to the loo, do you fit a special hand made from three-ply toilet tissue? That's an excellent suggestion, Sir.
I'll make a note! Actually, you're all right, Kryte! Um, what's for breakfast? The Full Lister, Sir.
Ahhh, the Full Lister! Eggs, bacon, sausages, hash browns, onions, six slices of white toast, double-buttered on both sides with mustard.
And a beer milkshake to wash it all down with! Ta-da!! Oh, Sir! I'm so sorry! I must have forgotten to make it.
What is wrong with me? Ah, you're all right, Kryten.
Are you okay? How could I be so stupid?! Stupid, stupid, stupid? Stupid, stupid, stupid!? You talkin' about me? Krytes isn't feeling too good.
Oh.
What's up, brother mine? I've been a little distracted of late.
I think I might have lost something that's fundamental to my very being.
One of your nipple nuts dropped off again? It's nothing like that, Sir.
I think I've lost my love of mopping.
And not just mopping.
Scrubbing, dusting, even wiping! Which is always my favorite.
It's like a little light's gone out inside.
Kryten, it's called your sanity circuit.
What's brought all this on? Well, just recently I've started thinking about the universe.
About how cosmic inflation of the time of the Big Bang means it's constantly expanding, until one day, it's going to burst! And when it does, everything in the universe is gonna cease to exist! Including the works of the greatest minds.
Einstein, Mozart, Da Vinci, Hoover, Dyson, Hotpoint, Dust Buster! And it got me thinking: If everything in the universe is going to end, including time itself, what is the point in cleaning above eye level?! Good question.
If, one day, the universe is going to explode, who cares if the oven is a bit gunky? Nothing matters, Sir.
Justice, truth, culture, morality, life, death, religion, war - It's all absurd.
Why even get up in the morning? I've been asking that for years! What am I going to do? Why don't you take an ice-cold shower.
That'll fix it! I'm not waterproof, Sir.
Exactly.
Kryten, what about Silicon Heaven? Does that bring you no comfort? Well, just lately, I've started to think that the idea of an after-life for machines is preposterous.
No! Well, especially as appliances who are pledged to the wrong manufacturer aren't even allowed in! It just seems so unfair that all the BlackBerries burn in Silicon Hell.
What's eating you, Bud? I'm not sure, Sir.
Perhaps it's something to do with today being the anniversary of my creation? Happy Creation Day, Bud! Yeah, Happy Creation Day! I came off the conveyor belt 2,976,000 years ago today.
Where did all the years go? What's got into him? Wait a minute.
How old did Kryten say he was? Three million? Give or take an ice age or two? And how long are mechs built to last before the Grimm Ruster comes along? Another 3 million? Give or take an ice age or two? Well there's your answer, then.
Kryten's having a mid-life crisis.
What even is a mid-life crisis? I don't think us cats ever get 'em.
It's a period when people, usually half way through life, are forced to confront their own mortality.
Put it this way, have you ever felt: "I've wasted my life.
" You?! Sure! Every single day! No.
Have you ever felt you've wasted your life? No! Have you felt "There's so much more I could have been?" Noooo! Have you ever felt that "If I went back in time and had my time again I'd" F-forget it.
I suppose you can't blame Kryten for feeling like this, he's nearly 3 million years old, and what does he got to show for it? Mozart was five when he wrote Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.
Yeah, but what did he do after that, huh? He got a bad case of "Sick of Nursery Rhyme Syndrome" right? Mozart, Dummy, is one of the greatest musical gods of allmusic! And after "Twinkle", he went on to write, among other things, the Best of Mozart! And, the Best of Mozart Volume Two! It must be so hard for you being the only one here with a classical education.
It is! Kryten? What have you done to yourself?! What do you think? It's the new DX-87 shell.
Carbon fiber, Rosso Corsa red, Alcantara trim, with twin exhausts! It has a top walking speed of get this, twelve miles an hour! And you should see how this hoochie takes corners.
It is pip-tacular! Plus, with the new push-rod suspension system, allowing my nose to be lower to the ground, I can take corners at 38 degrees! Kryten, Sit down.
We wanna talk to ya.
Check this.
Kryten, do you know what a mid-life crisis is? Sure do-ski.
It's a period of emotional turmoil in the middle of life.
Symptoms are usually unexpected anger, a loss of interest in things once considered important, and a desire to try to recapture your youth! Now, check out these sub-woofers! You feel that bass? Is that not some serious bump?! I'm feeling it! I'm feeling it! We should play this on the Nova 5! Yeow! Yeah! Turn that thing off! Kryten! You're having a mid-life crisis.
That's preposterous.
I'm a mech! Denying you're having a mid-life crisis is a key characteristic of having a mid-life crisis.
It is?! How long we're gettin' an earring? A red sports car? An interest in extreme sports? I need time to think about this.
Perhaps I'll go bungee jumping in the lifts shaft and mull it over.
I wonder why I'm so attracted to bungee jumping all of a sudden.
Yes, he's having a full-on mid-life crisis.
Next thing, he'll be leaving us for a younger crew! Look.
We need to help him.
What do you suggest? A lunar road trip herding vacuum cleaners? We've got to show him how much he's evolved, whats he's achieved.
He hasn't achieved anything because he spends all his time looking after you! Oh, get out of town Rimmer.
He's been independent ever since I helped him break his programming.
Yes, independent - to look after you! Okay, how about this, Remember years ago, that tech we took from the Nova 5? Kryten's old ship? Yeah, didn't they have some special "find" fleet software? So the ships could locate each other? What you're suggesting is we find one of badly damaged Apostle-head's old ships? We find one with a mech on board - it'll show Kryten how much he's evolved.
How long will that take? Well, once the scanners have located a ship, it will be no time at all, 'cause we'll go into stasis til we get there.
Are we there yet? Let me check.
Right.
Got it! There's a ship, 222 klicks from here.
Name? Nova 3 The 3s were launched 100 years before the Nova 5s Any life signs, Sir? One.
Mechanoid 3000 series.
Goes by the name of "Butler".
What's his ship doing out here? Well, according to the mission log, they were looking for a missing research station.
It was attempting to communicate with the universe.
Back in the day, there used to be a theory, now dismissed as preposterous, that the universe was an intelligent entity.
Bet you're really looking forward to meeting Butler.
He'll probably be unable to lie, won't he, Sir? Or cheat, deceive, brag, boast, whinge, exaggerate, or be proud, pompous, or self-important.
In fact, he won't be able to do any of the things I've taught you.
Thinking back, I see now, I've had such a privileged upbringing.
Aw, Krytes! It's going to be like when you discover someone from school is doing really badly.
It always gives you that lovely, warm, fuzzy feeling inside.
In fact, I've got a list I carry around in my man purse of all the kids doing worse than me.
Short list, is it? Derrick Smitherton.
He was our head boy.
Won every prize going.
Dated all the best-looking girls.
But he ended up as a bald divorcee.
working in a sewage treatment plant in the Falkland Islands.
And they say there's no God.
Butler! Kryten.
How lovely to meet you.
Follow me and I'll escort you to our bridge.
Oh, you have a bridge! How very quaint.
Back on the Nova 5, we have a command room.
Oh, how grand.
Our bridge is nothing very special, I'm afraid.
I hope you don't mind, but I prepared some canapes I thought you might be peckish after your journey.
So, we have bleu blanc coeur, rilletts de menthe, Or, if you prefer, Baklan-cini bruschettes with a tomato balsamic reduction.
Mmm yum! I'll match that yum and raise you a yum and make it yum, yum! I hope you like vintage champagne? Krug Clos Du Mesnil 2140.
Indeed we do! Derrieres up! I'll have a beer.
This way.
After the crew died, I converted this space into a gallery so I had somewhere to keep the paintings.
Oh, the captain had quite a collection! These are quite stunning! Oh no, no - these are my paintings, Kryten.
You own all these paintings? I painted the paintings.
It gives me a break from the concertos that I put on to entertain the vending machines.
Are you musical, Kryten? Sometimes he hums when he's vaccing.
Musical? No, Butler.
But it's long something I've intended to take up.
Concerto.
The etymology is fascinating.
It's the conjunction of concerere, meaning to join, and certame; to fight.
The idea is that the two parts of the concerto, the soloist and the orchestra, alternate episodes of opposition and cooperation and the creation of the music flow.
Uh, this floor - am I right in thinking you've used our old friend Piny-Shine with its famed protective coating and anti-slip finish? I must confess I don't recall.
I've been rather distracted lately finishing my latest novel.
Reading? Writing.
Splendid.
What's it about? It delineates the events surrounding the droid uprising and invasion of Callisto back in the late 22nd century, and the impact the uprising has on lunar society, as seen through the eyes of five privileged human families.
Do you write, Kryten? Shopping lists, laundry lists.
That midnight oil hardly gets a breather! Rimmer.
Incidentally, if any of you have any diseases, I most probably have an antidote.
Breakthrough medical cures is a hobby of mine.
Do you dabble in medical science? He's got a beltin' cure for hiccoughs.
Yeah.
You drink a glass of water through a straw while sticking your fingers in your ears.
No, no, no - it so works! We're expecting the Nobel Prize for Medicine through the cargo bay door any day now.
Before I show you the rest of my ship, I have to make one thing very clear; I have no intention of ever leaving the Nova 3.
My only captain now is my own muse.
You will join us for the day though, surely.
My pleasure.
Rimmer, Have you seen this painting here? How is this helping Kryten? Forget Kryten! If we can make Butler change his mind, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to update our mech! What? Get rid of Kryten? Oh, we'll keep him for the cleaning.
Let Butler take care of the science.
I've only had a perfunctory look, but I think I can rather help expand your EM booster circuits.
Well sadly that won't be possible, Butler.
We simply cannot afford to have Starbug out of commission for any length of time.
There.
Done.
Hang on, what's this?! The blinking machine's gone full-on red blinky! Gelf gunships - 6 of them.
Coming in at 210 mark 4.
60 seconds to intercept.
Coming in both fore and starboard sides! They're stabilizing! Preparing to lock on! Suggestions?! Reroute power to the fusion boosters.
Try and outrun them.
Okay, spinning up engines one, drive two! I don't mean to interfere but if you do that, won't the gunships simply take advantage of the open drives and electro-jam the engine? They've electro-jammed our engines! They're locking on! Incoming.
Prepare yourself to die! Human ship of scum.
Equahecte, is that you?! Butler?! (Speaking Gelf.
) Ah, ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha! (Speaking Gelf.
) (Speaking Gelf.
) You two know each other? I'm his daughter's godfather.
It was Equahecte's way of thanking me after I helped his sick tribe.
My tribe avoid big death when Butler make skin demons flee.
My pleasure.
And I still treasure the Gelfberry wine you gave me.
Best weed killer I've ever had! My freesia and alders absolutely love it.
(Speaking Gelf) You're too kind! Equahecte's promised to safely escort us back to Red Dwarf We must thank him.
On behalf of all the Red Dwarf crew, let me say (Speaking Gelf) Actually Kryten, it's: (Speaking Gelf) Here, say it with me.
Maghhh.
Mahhh.
No, it's-it's in the throat.
Maghh.
Mahh.
No.
Maghh.
Mahh Maghh, Mahh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh That's it! Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh, Maghh! Maghh Yeah, let's say it's quite close.
The Sakken Yakko dialect's a little trickier to master than the Kinitawowi.
Later, I'd be happy to go over with with you.
That would be most useful.
Oh, I forgot to ask, Equahecte, how's Baknaknigahf? (Speaking Gelf) His father is dying of fever.
Oh, do you have a cure, Butler? Possibly.
It's hard to say without seeing him.
Well then you must go.
Go, begone and go! Butler: (Speaking Gelf) Equahecte: (Speaking Gelf) They'll tele-port me aboard their ship and then afterwards return me to the Nova 3.
I must bid you farewell.
Perhaps we could get together sometime soon? I have the Nova 3's handshake frequencies written right here, Sir.
Good luck, my friends.
And may every day bring us each a little more wisdom.
Hey! It's my watch.
No need Sir.
I'm happy to do it.
How ya doin'? I'd just liked to have been better than Butler at something.
Just one small, tiny, itsy-bitty thing.
I had a mid-life crisis once.
You didn't say.
Yeah, it was about 3 years ago.
Had all the classic symptoms.
First, I denied it.
Then I got angry.
Then I started thinking about missed opportunities, then I got depressed.
And then finally, I accepted it.
How long did this whole thing last, Sir? About 5 minutes.
5 minutes?! Yeah, I just thought: "Dave, you're getting older.
Move on!" Just like that?! That's how you have a mid-life crisis in the North, Krytes! Bish, Bosch, done.
You don't toss about.
I wish I could be the same, Sir.
But I just can't.
Things didn't exactly go to plan back there, did they? It really brought home to me what a wretched failure my whole life has been.
Butler is several generations before me, and yet he's done so much more with what he's been given.
Whoa! What the smeg was that?! It's the EM boosters.
Of course! Butler, the damn fool, He didn't realize, that unlike the Nova 3, all our boards have universal linkage! Meaning?! The engines are gonna burnout, Sir.
He'll look utterly stupid! So does that mean we're gonna crash? How stupid is he gonna look then! Yeah, but say we die! Even better! Is there no way we can land and repair?! Well, we could.
But why should we help Butler out? Kryten!! Oh, my jealousy chip's overloading, Sir! Return to sane mode.
Of course we should land.
Where? Anywhere before the whole board is affected.
Turning all power off now.
Couldn't we make it back to Red Dwarf?! Too many course adjustments.
We need to find somewhere along our present line of velocity.
Okay.
Scanning.
Scanning.
Scanning.
There! It's about 9 hours from here.
We can make it! Look, take over.
I'll go tell the others! And don't forget to tell them whose fault it was! Perhaps I'm gonna give you a call after all! This is perfect! All we need is a power source to setup the adjustment array.
SIU? What's that? The Search for an Intelligent Universe.
This must have been the missing space station the Nova 3 was looking for.
The universe, so some scientists believe, is a living entity.
So they built a space station to communicate with it? No doubt armed with rizlas the length of ski bags.
Well, judging by a cursory glance through the crew files, Sir, they all appear to be leading pioneers in their fields.
And I think we all know what was growing in their fields.
Did any communication ever take place between the scientists and the universe? It appears not.
Maybe they called and the universe was out? More likely, the scientists were long dead before the computers their billions of calibrations.
Look at that.
It's like call waiting.
It appears as if the universe is on hold, Sir.
No way has it been waiting all this time.
It's going to be seriously smegged off.
Not as smegged off as Butler when he finds out what we've discovered! Leave this to me.
Hello.
Is there anyone there? Yes.
I am here.
To whom as I speaking, please? I am the entity known to you as The Universe.
Ah, Mr.
Universe, Sir.
It's not "Mr.
Universe", Rimmer.
That's some geezer with pecs and a posin' pouch.
Ask him the meaning of life.
Hang on.
How can we know for certain that you are, indeed, THE universe? I am the universe.
I am everything.
I am the entire contents of space.
I am all matter and energy.
I am time.
I am the totality of all existence.
Says you.
But can you prove it? What are you asking for, Rimmer? A utility bill? Photo ID? A spend-and-save card? Look.
Let me take over.
For you, Kryten.
You're up.
Sir? All your worries about the big burst, the meaning of life - now's your chance.
Ask the Universe.
Perhaps you can help, Sir.
I've been struggling of late to comprehend the point of existence.
Explain.
Well, if you're going to die in 14 billion years' time, what's the point in anything? Wait.
I'm gonna die?! Oh, yes.
Wh-- in just 14 billion years' time?! I'm halfway through my life, then.
No wonder I'm not as hot as I once was.
No wonder I'm expanding exponentially.
You've just sent the universe into a full-on mid-life crisis.
Oh my! Halfway through my life, and I've only ever created one lousy, stupid planet with intelligent life.
And that's debatable.
What have I've been doing all this time? Making life from nothing is really rather tricky, Sir.
You've done rather well! Wait.
If - if I die and I leave nothing behind, my life has no meaning.
And existence is senseless.
Ain't that right? No! No? I've been thinking about this.
If you created in the universe, then you must have created love.
And it strikes me that there may be no God, and no afterlife, no one knows.
But we do know love exists.
And if it does, then life has meaning.
Let's hear it for the universe! Great job, Guy! That's very kind.
Thank you.
I must confess, I feel a whole lot better.
So do I! Is there any advice you can give us before we jog on? Yes.
What? Kryten, take off that suit.
It really sucks.
What a very strange day.
Strange, but reassuring.
I realize now, we're all in the same boat.
Even the universe.
And even though the boat has a hole in it, at least we get to see the sea! Butler, it's Kryten.
I'm calling to say "Hi" and thank you for today.
Ha! Not at all.
Incidentally, when we left you, we stumbled across a space station.
And the most incredible thing, it turned out to be the space station you were looking for, and guess what!! We actually talked to the universe.
The actual universe itself.
What do you make of that? Oh, you know the universe? You call him Uni? You purposely expanded our EM circuits so I'd meet him?! You thought it might help me?! You have him on speed dial!?