Rick and Morty (2013) s08e01 Episode Script

1
CROWD: [CHANTING]
CHARGE BELONGS! IN THE WALL!
FREE THE CHARGE! FREE US ALL!
A huge turnout today at the offices
of billionaire leader and
tech visionary Summer Smith
as she attempts to make
Chargeria history.
And this just in: phone
chargers are very important,
so never, never steal them.
We're ready to launch the device.
Do we have eyes on my brother?
- No, ma'am.
- Then we're not ready.
♪
[BEEPING]
Come on, Morty.
Wait! Remember!
- If you borrow his phone charger
- I know.
it's really important
you give it back!
Even if you think he wasn't using it!
♪
[GUN COCKS]
I'm alone.
I was, too. That's how I like it.
[WHISTLES]
[DOGS BARKING]
Ohh! [CHUCKLES]
Come, if you wanna eat.
[DOGS BARKING]
[CHAIR SLIDES]
Saw you on the news.
Guess it's been a while since
you've had a normal meal.
By "normal", you mean
the spoon is dirty?
CJ's recipe. Back at the firehouse.
Ugh! I didn't put my life's work on hold
to sit here talking to you about chili.
He always said the secret
ingredient is patience.
Morty, it is time to go!
It's almost 9 p.m.
back in the real world,
and our exit will only work
if Mom's in the kitchen
pouring her bedtime wine!
There's nothing for me back there!
- Go without me.
- That's not how it works, Morty!
And I'm sorry, but I refuse
to turn forty in here!
[SIGHS]
What choice do I have?
We always had choices.
Take some ownership.
[BEEPING]
We're ready. Start the launch.
God have mercy on our souls.
ENGINEER: Five, four, three. two, one.
Launch.
[RUMBLING]
♪
- [BEEPING]
- It's charging!
Charging in the air!
Dear God! Summer Smith has
made phone chargers obsolete!
WOMAN: No more cords!
[ALL CHEERING]
[LAUGHING] It's working!
A contactless electrical grid!
That means no chargers, you old bitch!
I win! The matrix is obsolete!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
[BUZZER SOUNDING]
- [BOTH SCREAMING]
- What the hell?
Oh, shit. How long was I out?
Mom! Mom! Mommy! Get away from me, Rick!
Mom! Rick put us in a simulated reality
to teach us a lesson
about taking his phone charger
and not giving it back,
and then he fell asleep
and forgot about us
for the matrix equivalent of 17 years!
I'm an emancipated adult!
I demand sovereignty
over my mind and future!
Don't let him reset us!
This is why I have
bedtime wine. [SLURPS]
My My hands! A child's hands!
You built a matrix to punish
them for a phone charger?!
I'm not that petty, Beth.
It can punish them for anything.
Put that mindblower gun down.
Okay. Obviously Grandpa cooked
you guys a little too long.
Long enough to go to law school
and revolutionize engineering.
Summer, that whole system's
basically 8-bit.
A child with a crayon could
revolutionize engineering.
Don't let him wipe me, Mom!
I fell in love, ran a country,
visited Chargentina
and the Phoneippines.
I can't lose those memories!
Um, I I wanna remember it, too.
Dad, I think the kids should be allowed
to do whatever they want with
what you did to their brains.
You want a couple of matrix-crazy adults
in child bodies? Good luck with that.
Yes! I beat you, Rick!
You mess with the bull, you
get the 34-year-old horns!
I'm gonna crush it in high school!
Give me a holler when this goes south.
♪
SUMMER: There's literally
no limit to what I can achieve.
Student-body president. Valedictorian.
Or maybe just live this
one day, sweet and fleeting.
Maybe just hold onto 17.
- [CACKLING]
- Cold much?
You're nipping out.
Oh, come on. We don't have to do
these teenage-girl stereotypes.
Your body violates our
code of conduct, missy.
- Go home and change.
- But
Your wiles won't get you
anywhere with me.
Oh, my God. She's hot
for Principal Vagina.
She's nipping even harder!
Eat my ass, you shallow bitches!
[LAUGHTER]
Every time I think our friendship
can't get any stronger.
I know. You're truly my sister.
Aww!
[SIGHS]
School's not what you remember, huh?
Ugh. I'm just embarrassed
I let them get to me.
Those girls probably still
believe people like them
for their personality
and that recycling is real.
- Hey, do you have a bobby pin?
- Yeah. Here.
At least they're too dumb
to do real damage.
It's like blunt-force
trauma, as opposed to
a hot curling iron going
slowly up your asshole.
[CHUCKLES] Wow.
Which is how I describe
my first marriage.
[BOTH LAUGH]
You got married in there?!
The best part was, I supported him
while he worked on his music.
Ugh. Been there.
It's like, I can either be
the primary earner or your
mommy. I can't be both.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yeah.
A third mimosa?
On a Wednesday afternoon?
- BOTH: Who are we?
- [LAUGHING]
Oh, my God. I'm totally
turning into my mother.
Goals!
I love this version of you.
You're so self-assured.
I wish I had more of that.
Aww! Beth! Can I call you Beth?
Absolutely! And I'll call you
- Summer?
- Oh, right. Of course.
You were able to achieve
so much in there.
Hashtag girl boss.
Ugh. I hate when grown women
call themselves girls.
Oh, same. Me too. That was ironic.
Speaking of grown women,
maybe it's time for a little upgrade?
Oh, come on. Look at who you've become.
You don't need some cliché makeover.
I meant for both of us.
Do you just buy your shirts from Target
- or do you also work there?
- [GROANS]
Aww, Beth! I was joking!
Part of my management style.
But isn't comedy just the revelation
of an unacknowledged truth?
Think about it.
Let's get out of here, girl.
You need a blowout!
[CRACKLING]
The hell are you doing, Morty?
Get your hands off my death race car!
The struts were a little off.
[SCOFFS] The struts were a little
Wow. Okay. The struts were a little off.
Picked up a few skills
when I was inside.
The matrix?
Matrix prison.
Oh. Badass.
This is that death race
on Vega Five, right?
Space and land?
- Yeah, actually.
- Toss me a beer.
Think we should add a snorkel
intake to the engine block.
Damn, Morty. Maybe I should
leave you in a matrix more often.
Ohhhhhh!
Morty! What are you doing?!
- I'm getting Rick's attention!
- Freeze!
Fuck you! None of this is real!
- Morty, run!
- Hey! Thieves!
Never take what's not yours,
especially if it's a phone charger!
Rick, we're sorry we stole
your phone charger!
We learned our lesson! Now let us out!
If that was gonna work, we
would've been ejected by now!
You have the right to remain plugged in!
Any charger you steal can and will
- be used against you.
- Summer, help!
Sorry, Morty! But one of us
has to find a way out of here!
[ECHOING] Summer!
♪
[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]
Aah!
Ooh!
♪
[NEEDLE BUZZING]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
[NO DIALOGUE]
♪
[SIREN WAILS]
♪
[NO DIALOGUE]
♪
C-CJ.
If you're remembering a bunch of stuff,
you have to say it out loud.
I I just miss them.
Ehh. Y-You know what, pal?
I think that engine
snorkel's a good idea.
Bottoms up.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Wow. You can really pull that look off.
I could never go short.
It's called disruption.
If you don't take risks, you don't grow.
Uh, for me, this is pretty bold.
I guess everyone has to start somewhere.
What do you think of this?
I think there was a reason
it was on the clearance rack.
I thought you wanted
to feel more confident.
Now, this says confidence.
It also says $3,000!
Who's gonna invest in you if
you won't invest in yourself?
My job is to invest in
your college fund, Summer.
First of all, I already
graduated charger cum laude
with a major in chargers
and a minor in
- Let me guess.
- English Lit.
Beth, I can't make you 17 again,
but I can give this gift of knowledge:
life is slipping away.
It's time to make some big changes
or get comfortable
with some big regrets.
So, are you gonna buy me
this suit or what?
- And steel plates.
- Good stuff.
Oh! L-Look at that, Rick!
They They got a sale on rebar!
Oh, hell yeah! Buy two rebar,
get one freebar?!
Matrix Morty's got an eye for a deal!
[CRACKLING]
I gotta hand it to you.
T-This feels pretty good.
Good old American craftsmanship, Morty.
Feels good to use your hands.
- [ENGINE STARTS]
- Oh-ho-ho-ho! Ho!
She's purring like a
like an oily little kitten!
Wow. You guys are
really spreading out onto the lawn, huh?
SUMMER: Ugh. Suburbia.
Dad, can I talk to you?
[BURPS] Listen.
If this is about the beers,
Morty's cool.
He has like four Purple Hearts.
Five. Those and a nickel
will get you a cup of coffee.
Ho-ho! Disillusioned Morty!
Love this guy!
Listen, Beth.
If ya wanna judge someone, call Jerry.
I can't. My phone's dead.
I had to film turns of every
outfit Summer tried on.
- You need a charger? Use mine.
- [GASPS]
Oh. Okay. You sure?
Ohh! Uh-h, yeah!
Y-Y-You're Y-Y-You're
Y-Y-You're Y-Y-You're
You're gonna give that back, right?!
'Cause I can't impress upon you how
[EXPLOSION]
[GUNFIRE]
- [BEEPING]
- [SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING] Oh, God!
Oh, my God! 8-Ball!
[GASPS] No! No! CJ?! Chop Block??
Marmaduke?!
[SCREAMING]
8-Ball. He He didn't make it.
- [ALL GASP]
- We We saw you die, man!
[VOMITS]
I-I can't I-I can't die!
[SOBBING]
I-I got you, buddy. I got you.
MORTY: I can't. I can't die.
[SCREAMING]
♪
[SCREAMING]
[PANTING]
[GRUNTS]
- [GUN COCKS]
- Huh?
[GASPS]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
Just take whatever you want.
Nothing out here fucking matters.
Wonder who he learned that from.
Probably someone too tamed
by neo-liberal groupthink
to buy a cool jacket.
Dad, I think maybe you
were right on this one.
- [GASPS]
- RICK: Beth, that's not how it works.
You gotta press it up
against their head.
You just tried to mind-blow me?!
[SCREAMS]
Summer! Get back here!
This is for your own good!
No, it's for your own good.
I thought you were my friend, bitch!
My friends don't talk to me like that.
Because you don't have any!
Hey!
- [GRUNTS]
- [ALARM BLARING]
All I want is to live my best life!
- You're too scared to even try!
- [ENGINE STARTS]
Did you just hotwire that car?
Yes.
- Summer!!
- Later, Boomer!
- [TIRES SQUEAL]
- [HORN BLARES]
Damn. That got out of hand fast.
Welp, I told her it would.
Smart man. Here. Check this out.
Me and CJ came up with it
during the siege of the
Three Pronged Mountains.
We were holed up with nothing
but these old Nokia 3.5's.
Had to use a little something
we called the reg-rahc.
Try her out.
"Charger" spelled backwards.
Cute. What's it do?
- [ZAP]
- [GRUNTS]
Pulls the charge
right out a man's heart.
Thanks for the ride, Rick. [SMOOCHES]
Also, I didn't know Summer was
gonna hijack a vehicle, too.
I've been planning this
a lot longer than her.
Anyway
[ENGINE STARTS]
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- [HORN BLARES]
Cool tank!
[GROANING]
- No! No, no, no, no, no!
- Something the matter, sir?
- You wouldn't be putting people in matrixes, would you?
- What?
'Cause that's something
you should never do.
[SCREAMS]
Seriously, Morty?!
You're that uncreative?!
Who's Morty?
Is that someone you put in a matrix?
- [GRUNTS]
- Yes!
The seemingly unstoppable
and pretty cool-looking vehicle
is now heading towards a power plant
at the center of Power Plant Valley,
the well-known nexus
of America's power grid.
[BULLETS CLANGING]
Why create this unstoppable
death machine?
Its driver, 14-year-old Morty Smith,
has this to say.
MORTY: Come into a wolf's house
and piss in its bed,
you're gonna get bit!
T-That's just the nature of the wolf!
That's just the nature of the wolf!
[ENGINE REVS]
[SERENE MUSIC PLAYING]
How's the neti pot coming, Summer?
So good. I feel grounded,
free of toxins.
[BELL JINGLES]
Go away. I need my space.
I can't believe how fast you
got established in Santa Fe.
The wellness industry
picked me up at the city limits.
They place all lost middle-aged women
in a residential pottery studio
with meditation elements.
I'm looking to be in connection
with the mountains?
Get the cacao. And the harmonium.
Honey, you shouldn't have to be
a lost middle-aged woman yet.
Take it from me. It sucks.
And the joy of being 17
is not knowing anything,
including how hard it's gonna get.
Yeah. I guess I'm sorry for what I said.
I just don't know how to be your friend.
You don't have to be.
You're my daughter.
[SERENE MUSIC PLAYING]
Wow. I hate that I'm saying this,
but the energy here feels amazing.
That's called community.
And if we had more of it in this world,
and less factory-farmed beef,
our little boys wouldn't
be driving tanks
into nuclear power plants!
That sounds too specific
to be a metaphor.
MORTY: What will you do when
there's no power in the walls?!
What will you charge then?!
See? Beef brain.
Oh, God. I have to stop him.
- You know how?
- I'm a tech CEO!
So even if I don't, I'll pretend I do.
Mom. Hold my calls.
"Mom". Hmm. I like the sound of that.
I'll just need a credit card.
[BRITISH ACCENT] Please,
sir. Not in the matrix.
You shouldn't put people in matrixes.
Uh-huh.
[CRACKLING]
- [SOUR NOTES PLAY]
- What the Oh.
[ENERGY HUMMING]
Matrix my ass! Wubbalubba dub dub!
[SCREAMS]
[COUGHING]
[GROANS]
[GAGGING]
This better be death race-related.
[BULLETS CLANGING]
♪
- CJ!
- H-Huh? Hey!
[MORTY SCREAMS]
[GROANING]
[PANTING]
CJ! CJ!
[GASPS]
Ohh!
[WEAKLY] She's beautiful. Isn't she?
Morty.
I never had a brother.
U-Until y-you.
- [EXHALES HEAVILY]
- [GASPS]
[WHIRRING]
[GRUNTING]
Death to Chargeria!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[GASPS]
[STATIC CRACKLES]
We got him. Osama Been Chargin is dead.
SUMMER: Full hearts, full charge.
Full hearts, full charge.
She's coming down!
[ALL SCREAM]
Sweet Christ! Power
Plant Valley is breached!
I repeat, breached!
He's getting too close!
If he reaches the central power plant,
it'll trigger a chain reaction
that renders
North America uninhabitable,
but also takes out all cellphones!
Fear not, Guard #2.
The moat was installed
for this exact scenario.
There's not a tank on earth
that can cross that water.
Oh, shit! It's got a snorkel!
Dear God. Run!
[GUARDS SCREAM]
♪
Morty!
None of this will bring CJ back!
Keep his name out of your mouth!
Whose name?
Christopher James Motorola,
Chargeant First Class?!
[ENGINE IDLING]
What do you know about CJ?!
This is all my fault, Morty.
You were the only real thing in there,
but I didn't treat you
like you mattered.
You couldn't have known
what would happen in that war.
But I did know, Morty. I did know.
Once I understood
the rules of the matrix,
taking power was easy.
But making power wasn't.
There was only one way to make
the charging science work
all the lithium we could
get our hands on.
We got it.
We can fix it, right?! We can fix it?!
No one can know about this.
[EXPLOSION]
SUMMER: It was a brutal war,
but I knew we'd win it.
Because we had you.
An ex-con with no future,
no family, no way to die.
Morty, I never had a brother.
U-Until y-you.
SUMMER: You could have
had a different life.
I could have given it to you.
[SCREAMING]
- [STATIC CRACKLES]
- We got him.
Osama Been Chargin is dead.
Thank you soldier.
Full hearts, full charge.
We're lithium rich!
SUMMER: You were my greatest asset.
[SIGHS] And my darkest shame.
I also had your phones bugged,
a tracking chip put in your spine,
and all those birds you liked to feed
were spy cameras
built by the government.
My finches?!
I know you lost a brother in there.
Don't make me lose you.
It's like the pain is
all I have left of him!
But But he's gone!
He never existed in the first place!
Don't say that! Without
you and your friends,
we never would have escaped the matrix.
Rick, he he would have
woken up and let us out!
On whose terms?!
He would've wiped us clean
before our eyes were open.
And then they'd really
be gone, all of them.
CJ, Chop Block
Marmaduke, um
8-Ball! Jesus!
I I I'm sorry, Morty.
You get to decide now.
What do you want to do?
I wanna go home.
Yeah. Let's go home.
It's okay! I I'm alright now!
It's not you we were worried about!
Yeah, this is exactly
why you shouldn't steal
your grandpa's inventions!
What?
He said never steal
your grandpa's inventions!
- No
- Mother fucker.
Matrix piece of shit!
Fucking fake lesson-teaching bastard!
MAN: [GRUNTING] Stop!
Whoa! Easy, guys! Christ!
You're not in a matrix!
You're not in a matrix!
Rick? What the fuck?!
This NPC was trying
to teach us a lesson!
I was just saying
not to steal such dangerous technology.
Your grandpa's obviously a genius.
- BOTH: See?!
- That's an actual guy,
making several obvious
and valid statements.
- Beer later?
- I think my nose is broken.
[CRACKING]
[METAL GROANING]
RICK AND SUMMER: Aw, come on!
Chernobyl! We're Chernobyl-ing!
♪
Rick! Are you gonna
- Yes.
- [RATTLING]
- Ew!
- What the hell?!
It's anti-radiation gel.
Your tits and bits will thank me later.
- Ew!
- What the hell?!
♪
So nuclear reactor, huh?
I had PTSD!
Thank you for your service.
Oh! Oh, my God! You saved us from the
The worst meltdown in
American history? Yeah.
I'm gonna leave this
with you. Sign here.
Tip? Uh, I don't see an
option lower than 20%.
There isn't one.
Ooh! Ahh
Might wanna keep that gel on
for a little while.
Alright. Is there anything
else we need to do?
- [NEEDLE BUZZING]
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, owwww!
I'm gonna remember him.
But I'm gonna miss you.
You won't have to.
I have a feeling things
are gonna be different now.
Ready to be kids again?
More than you know.
Y-Yeah.
[ZAPPING]
[BOTH GRUNT]
[MORTY GROANING]
What'd you do to us?!
What the fuck is on my arm, Rick?!
Beats me. You asked for it.
- What?! Why?!
- Whatever.
I'm meeting friends to throw
shopping carts into the quarry.
Aw, geez. Oh, no, Rick!
Y-You gotta get this off of me!
Ugh! It makes me uncomfortable!
No can do, pal. Made
a promise to an old friend.
[BEEP]
[BEEP]
What the hell?
Hi, Summer.
You probably won't remember making this,
but I just wanted to say
I love you and you should love yourself.
The first thing your peers
will try to take from you
is your adult empathy.
It's your greatest gift and
the one thing that they
Ugh. Send a text.
[LINE RINGING]
Yo, Tricia! What are we
huffing tonight, biiiiitch?!
♪
[SERENE MUSIC PLAYING]
[SNIFFS] Unh!
Can I help you?
Beth, it's time to come clean.
We "lost women"
feast on the young to stay middle-aged.
So, you're vampires?
Why not feed 'til you're young?
'Cause not everyone has your
fucked-up values, Beth!
And it's unfortunately
drink or be drank!
Oh, come on! I thought
that was "Wine Mom" talk!
[SNARLING AND GRUNTING]
- [SIZZLING]
- [SCREAMING]
[WOMEN HISSING]
The sun turns you to dust,
and you picked Santa Fe?
[SCOFFS] That's on you.
Did you get any of that?