Robot Chicken s03e14 Episode Script
Robot Chicken's Half-Assed Christmas Special
It's alive! Ugh! This food NASA sent up is crap.
Yep, but I got an idea.
Hey, Kool-aid! Oh, yeah! Aaahhh! Yeah, there we go.
I am a potato.
Encyclopedia Brown is on the case! Aha! Miss September has implants.
I swear, Hazel.
I don't know what to do with that man.
He just won't ask his boss for a raise.
When I married Roger, he had such balls.
Where did his balls go? Dad's balls are missing? A mystery! Brown! You really screwed up these figures again! Yes, sir.
Who has shit for brains? Me.
What's that? I do.
I have shit for brains.
That's better.
Hmm Wow.
I've been a bartender 18 years and never seen anyone cry actual tears into their beer.
Kudos, chum.
Thanks.
Mm-hmm.
Strippers always get so mad when you assume they're hookers.
Well, I definitely am one.
Mm-hmm.
Aha! You know, in the rest of the world, soccer is called football.
Hey! Hey! Ow! Ohh! What's going on? Why are you touching Hello, there.
What you've just seen is a dramatization of the new asshole laws enacted by congress, which go into effect January 1st.
It's now a federal offense to point out that soccer is actually called football.
Uh, in fact, no "Star Trek" episode contains the words "beam me up, Scotty.
" Aah! Ouch! Ow! My arm.
Aah! Aah! Ow! You know, Iceland is actually green, and Greenland is actually icy? Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, help me, help me, help! "Heroes" is way better because it actually answers stuff.
On "Lost," they don't even know what they're doing.
What are you doing? No, wait! I can't believe we just survived a nuclear war.
Yeah.
Everyone we know is either dead or a zombie.
We've got plenty of food, but most of it's crap.
Oh, you know what would really hit the spot right now? Hey, Kool-aid! Oh, yeah! Aw, yeah! Aaahhh! Oh, yeah.
We are here today to announce Michael Jackson's deal to perform exclusively at Las Vegas' Excelsior hotel.
# Hoo-hoo # To promote the deal, we created this.
It's even more beautiful than I thought! What the What's it doing? No! No, stop! Why won't it stop? Mmm! Big boy.
Yes, I suppose it is a good restaurant.
What do you mean, "restaurant"? Encyclopedia, where have you been? Mom, I solved the mystery of dad's missing balls.
See, there they are right between his legs and in that strange lady's mouth.
Aaahhh! Look, Hansel.
I'm dropping bread crumbs to mark our way.
Our way back to our father who left us for dead in the forest? Whee! Gretel, you are the smartest girl I know.
Thanks.
That was not a compliment.
I'm hungry.
Let's eat this house.
Mmm! Frosting! I think that's bird shit.
Mmm! Bird shit! Children! Both: Aah! You must come inside.
You need a good meal.
# La la-la la-la # Lt'll be so nice to have you for lunch.
Double entendre! No! No! Ow! I'm burning alive! Why?! We'll sell more gingerbread than ever when my wife is done building her candy house.
The press we'll get is enormous.
Oh, how she loves making children happy! Both: Revenge is a dish best served hot.
The end.
And what was the moral of the story, baby? Exactly! Good night.
And now back to Kids! Kids? So long, Flash.
You'll have to pick up the pace if you want to catch Reverse Flash.
Ugh! Again with Reverse Flash! He looks just like me but with the exact opposite color scheme.
Brilliant.
At least he wears a mask.
Bizarro Superman looks just me but with a face like somebody threw up in a ice tray.
Seriously, it looks like someone shit out kryptonite and then put it on someone's face again.
Have you ever seen Negative Wonder Woman? Hey, Wonder Woman! Fuck you! Now, where did I leave my visible jet? Oh, look! There it is.
Easy to find.
Don't grab her or anything.
I'd grab her.
Grab her till she couldn't walk.
Booyah! Ugh! Aw, man, am I thirsty.
Me too.
Want to know what would really hit the spot? Hey, Kool-aid! Oh, yeah! Hey, get your hands off me.
I won an Oscar.
Did you? Huh? Did jew? Get it? I said "jew.
" What are you looking at, vag badge? Take me to rehab! Yeah, I love sex and Johnnie Walker.
Paris, I'm actually Jimmie Walker.
Ew! I got to get to rehab.
Lindsay, are you okay? Aaahhh! Experts are baffled by this recent trend celebrity after celebrity rushing off to rehab.
Coincidence or something more? You're all acting crazy.
You're going to expose our plan to take over the world.
Stop that.
Yeah, something is Affecting us.
Oh.
Oh, god.
I still taste Jimmie Walker.
Are you consuming enough alcohol rations to kill earth's deadly atmospheric bacteria? More than enough.
Shaznook! It must be having some sort of side effect.
Yeah, look at Lindsay.
You know, 'cause on our planet she was a neurosurgeon.
So hungry! Must feed freckles! Tinkerbell! Then we need to act now before the effects get any worse.
Shed your skin and initiate attack sequences.
Paris, take out Bush.
M'kay.
President Bush.
M'kay.
Britney, return our child king to the home world for safekeeping.
'Kay, y'all.
Come on, Sean Preston.
Where did I leave that little baby? Lindsay, you uh you, uh Guard this coffee cup.
Oh, just do whatever you want.
Hey.
You're not one of us.
No, I'm not.
I just love this uniform and Team Hatred.
Everyone together now! Schnell! Schnell! Schnell! Let's go kill people! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! Oh, hell, I left your car seat in the "Skymall" catalog that I meant to order it from.
All right, sit on my lap, baby.
This will be safe.
Sean Preston, use your baby wings! Oh, my god.
Ewww! Well, more where that came from.
Everyone, I'm a lizard! I'm a lizard! No, my son.
You're just an anti-Semite.
I want to be a lizard! Don't touch me, Jew.
Give it up, lizard, or we'll blow your head off! Ha ha, you idiots.
Don't you know anything about geometry? I'm a lizard.
My head will always grow back.
Check it out.
Take that, President Bush! What are you doing to my husband? You married your son? Eww! That's the other President Bush, you hussy! That's George Bush Sr.
Read my lips call an ambulance.
Nobody messes with my snookums.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Ow.
Stop.
Don't try to run now, 'cause it's coming.
Ow! Oh, you tricked me.
Here it comes.
Hold on.
Get ready for the sweet release.
From the moment the visitors drank our alcohol they were doomed.
For through a million years of keggers and beer blasts, man had earned his tolerance.
Earthlings rule! Yeah! I'm the mother fucking President of this planet.
Together: Earth! Earth! Earth! Earth! Earth! Earth! Earth! Earth! Oh.
Did I miss something? # Ba-bawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk # Ba-gawk! Bawk.
Yep, but I got an idea.
Hey, Kool-aid! Oh, yeah! Aaahhh! Yeah, there we go.
I am a potato.
Encyclopedia Brown is on the case! Aha! Miss September has implants.
I swear, Hazel.
I don't know what to do with that man.
He just won't ask his boss for a raise.
When I married Roger, he had such balls.
Where did his balls go? Dad's balls are missing? A mystery! Brown! You really screwed up these figures again! Yes, sir.
Who has shit for brains? Me.
What's that? I do.
I have shit for brains.
That's better.
Hmm Wow.
I've been a bartender 18 years and never seen anyone cry actual tears into their beer.
Kudos, chum.
Thanks.
Mm-hmm.
Strippers always get so mad when you assume they're hookers.
Well, I definitely am one.
Mm-hmm.
Aha! You know, in the rest of the world, soccer is called football.
Hey! Hey! Ow! Ohh! What's going on? Why are you touching Hello, there.
What you've just seen is a dramatization of the new asshole laws enacted by congress, which go into effect January 1st.
It's now a federal offense to point out that soccer is actually called football.
Uh, in fact, no "Star Trek" episode contains the words "beam me up, Scotty.
" Aah! Ouch! Ow! My arm.
Aah! Aah! Ow! You know, Iceland is actually green, and Greenland is actually icy? Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, help me, help me, help! "Heroes" is way better because it actually answers stuff.
On "Lost," they don't even know what they're doing.
What are you doing? No, wait! I can't believe we just survived a nuclear war.
Yeah.
Everyone we know is either dead or a zombie.
We've got plenty of food, but most of it's crap.
Oh, you know what would really hit the spot right now? Hey, Kool-aid! Oh, yeah! Aw, yeah! Aaahhh! Oh, yeah.
We are here today to announce Michael Jackson's deal to perform exclusively at Las Vegas' Excelsior hotel.
# Hoo-hoo # To promote the deal, we created this.
It's even more beautiful than I thought! What the What's it doing? No! No, stop! Why won't it stop? Mmm! Big boy.
Yes, I suppose it is a good restaurant.
What do you mean, "restaurant"? Encyclopedia, where have you been? Mom, I solved the mystery of dad's missing balls.
See, there they are right between his legs and in that strange lady's mouth.
Aaahhh! Look, Hansel.
I'm dropping bread crumbs to mark our way.
Our way back to our father who left us for dead in the forest? Whee! Gretel, you are the smartest girl I know.
Thanks.
That was not a compliment.
I'm hungry.
Let's eat this house.
Mmm! Frosting! I think that's bird shit.
Mmm! Bird shit! Children! Both: Aah! You must come inside.
You need a good meal.
# La la-la la-la # Lt'll be so nice to have you for lunch.
Double entendre! No! No! Ow! I'm burning alive! Why?! We'll sell more gingerbread than ever when my wife is done building her candy house.
The press we'll get is enormous.
Oh, how she loves making children happy! Both: Revenge is a dish best served hot.
The end.
And what was the moral of the story, baby? Exactly! Good night.
And now back to Kids! Kids? So long, Flash.
You'll have to pick up the pace if you want to catch Reverse Flash.
Ugh! Again with Reverse Flash! He looks just like me but with the exact opposite color scheme.
Brilliant.
At least he wears a mask.
Bizarro Superman looks just me but with a face like somebody threw up in a ice tray.
Seriously, it looks like someone shit out kryptonite and then put it on someone's face again.
Have you ever seen Negative Wonder Woman? Hey, Wonder Woman! Fuck you! Now, where did I leave my visible jet? Oh, look! There it is.
Easy to find.
Don't grab her or anything.
I'd grab her.
Grab her till she couldn't walk.
Booyah! Ugh! Aw, man, am I thirsty.
Me too.
Want to know what would really hit the spot? Hey, Kool-aid! Oh, yeah! Hey, get your hands off me.
I won an Oscar.
Did you? Huh? Did jew? Get it? I said "jew.
" What are you looking at, vag badge? Take me to rehab! Yeah, I love sex and Johnnie Walker.
Paris, I'm actually Jimmie Walker.
Ew! I got to get to rehab.
Lindsay, are you okay? Aaahhh! Experts are baffled by this recent trend celebrity after celebrity rushing off to rehab.
Coincidence or something more? You're all acting crazy.
You're going to expose our plan to take over the world.
Stop that.
Yeah, something is Affecting us.
Oh.
Oh, god.
I still taste Jimmie Walker.
Are you consuming enough alcohol rations to kill earth's deadly atmospheric bacteria? More than enough.
Shaznook! It must be having some sort of side effect.
Yeah, look at Lindsay.
You know, 'cause on our planet she was a neurosurgeon.
So hungry! Must feed freckles! Tinkerbell! Then we need to act now before the effects get any worse.
Shed your skin and initiate attack sequences.
Paris, take out Bush.
M'kay.
President Bush.
M'kay.
Britney, return our child king to the home world for safekeeping.
'Kay, y'all.
Come on, Sean Preston.
Where did I leave that little baby? Lindsay, you uh you, uh Guard this coffee cup.
Oh, just do whatever you want.
Hey.
You're not one of us.
No, I'm not.
I just love this uniform and Team Hatred.
Everyone together now! Schnell! Schnell! Schnell! Let's go kill people! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! Oh, hell, I left your car seat in the "Skymall" catalog that I meant to order it from.
All right, sit on my lap, baby.
This will be safe.
Sean Preston, use your baby wings! Oh, my god.
Ewww! Well, more where that came from.
Everyone, I'm a lizard! I'm a lizard! No, my son.
You're just an anti-Semite.
I want to be a lizard! Don't touch me, Jew.
Give it up, lizard, or we'll blow your head off! Ha ha, you idiots.
Don't you know anything about geometry? I'm a lizard.
My head will always grow back.
Check it out.
Take that, President Bush! What are you doing to my husband? You married your son? Eww! That's the other President Bush, you hussy! That's George Bush Sr.
Read my lips call an ambulance.
Nobody messes with my snookums.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Ow.
Stop.
Don't try to run now, 'cause it's coming.
Ow! Oh, you tricked me.
Here it comes.
Hold on.
Get ready for the sweet release.
From the moment the visitors drank our alcohol they were doomed.
For through a million years of keggers and beer blasts, man had earned his tolerance.
Earthlings rule! Yeah! I'm the mother fucking President of this planet.
Together: Earth! Earth! Earth! Earth! Earth! Earth! Earth! Earth! Oh.
Did I miss something? # Ba-bawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk # # Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk # Ba-gawk! Bawk.