Robot Chicken s04e01 Episode Script
Help Me
[ screaming .]
Robot Chicken is canceled! is canceled! Canceled! [ both shout .]
[ body thuds .]
Well, that was fun.
But with Robot Chicken canceled, we'll need a way to make money.
Ah, if only l'd cultivated relationships with some of Hollywood's most dynamic and powerful players.
[ fingers snap .]
Wait a minute.
That's exactly what l did.
Quick, my less famous companion, grab on to my coattails, and let's be away! [ sighs .]
Retard.
Wow! Wesleyan University's own Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy, Angel, Firefly, and Dollhouse, thanks for meeting with us.
We kind of have a favor to ask.
Oh, good! l've been looking for a way to repay you for bailing on ''Buffy'' after two seasons.
Anything, Seth, really.
Actually, it's more like us doing you a favor.
How would you like the creators of Robot Chicken writing on one of your shows? You think you're worthy of writing in the Whedonverse? Oh, wow, you actually say ''Whedonverse'' in real life.
That's right! And as one of my creations, l do believe l have let you live long enough.
Time to die, werewolf! Wow! Ron Moore, creator of Battlestar Galactica! How about letting us come aboard and help you with your whip-smart plots? Help? Why would l need help writing plots? l just throw a dart at the cast list, and boom -- they're a Cylon.
Rinse, repeat, cash the fucking check.
Watch.
Sha-boom! Sha-bong! Sha-bing! Cylon.
''Oh, please help me! This is so hard!'' Well, maybe l could act on the show.
l could be a Cylon.
That's right.
You could be.
You won't get me, you fucking skin-jobs! Hey, it's Seth Macfarlane, creator of American Dad.
Hey, hey, come on, guys.
Creator of Family Guy, please.
Look, Seth, we're in trouble.
We need to make some money.
But you already have a job voicing Chris on my insanely popular show.
You expect me to live on hundreds of thousands of dollars a year? Come on.
l depended on Robot Chicken.
Robot Chicken? l haven't heard that name since it got renewed.
Robot Chicken's renewed.
Ha! How'd you do that? How did l do that? No one's asked me that question since C-3PO bought me a leather jacket with Pepsi points.
[ burps .]
Wow! You can do anything you want! Quick! Offhandedly mention that time we all ended world hunger! What? l haven't heard an idea that bad since Hanna-Barbera launched ''Scooby-Jew.
'' Like, would you do it for a Scooby snack? One Scooby snack for all the work l do? l go into a dungeon, l expect at least two, maybe three Scooby snacks.
Ha ha! Die, werewolf! Die, Cylon! And checkerboard wipe to [ thunder crashing .]
[ drilling, sawing .]
[ electricity crackling .]
lt's alive! Gonna be a great day, washing dirt away Got to get it all in my cracks and crevices with the soap Clean, clean, and l love to shower [ toilet flushes .]
No, aah! Aah-ha! Aah! Aah! Ow! Burning! Hot! [ crying .]
Your honor, the defendant was arrested without a license in a car containing three concealed weapons and over an ounce of marijuana.
Well, counsel, if your client insists on pleading the 5th, l'll have no choice but to throw the book at him.
How do you want to proceed? [ gong crashes .]
[ crowd murmuring .]
Order! [ rap music plays .]
This is absurd.
He wants to throw us off his scent.
Good point, talking dog l'll set you free with served time You fucked up now, Parappa! Whoa! Ohh! [ groans .]
Whoa! Oh, Johnny, isn't it beautiful? [ gasps .]
M-Maybe we should go.
No, no, no.
Stay.
Take out her tits.
Steve, you and your wife are wonderful hosts.
l'm being sincere.
You know, Julie, l don't think you ever got a tour of the house.
You're right.
Well, come on.
[ both laughing .]
More apple pie for us, huh? Oh, you.
[ doorbell rings .]
Oh, who could that be? [ door opens .]
Trojan man Excuse me, madam, but l am needed upstairs! Steve! Trojan man Keep it down! l knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard! Put this on your penis! Get off! Get off me! Get off me! Julie, how could you?! My clothes just fell off.
Her vagina will appreciate your forethought! Will you shut the fuck up already?! l am leaving you! Trojan man Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's -- Oh, no, you broke it! That would never happen to a Trojan condom.
Trojan man [ crying .]
You said my problem didn't bother you.
lt doesn't.
l mean, this doesn't change anything.
lt changes everything! A reservoir tip is for your semen! l got to get out of here.
You're a whore! You ruined my life, you whore! [ car door closes, engine turns over, tires screeching .]
l guess l'd better go.
Trojan man Yeah, why don't you just get the fuck out of here? How about that? Trojan man Just in case.
Okay, l need someone to act like they're attacking me.
Louise, how about you? Me? Uh, okay.
That's right.
Just come at me.
Hiya! Aah! Okay, did everyone see what l did there? Last time on ''A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila'' Lebaron you have a shot at love.
Are you interested? - Yes! l'm sorry, dyke.
- lt's Diane.
Yo, l got to give a shout-out to my abs.
Tila, are you really bisexual? Because l get the feeling l never had a chance.
Oh, l am very bisexial, Diane.
l have a number of interests, including acting and hip-hop recording artist.
l am very bisexial.
[ moaning passionately .]
Unh! Yeah! Tough tie! Yeah! But my heart will always belong to Lebanon.
lt's Lebaron.
Cut! The mispronunciations are still a problem.
But that's why we made her omni-ethnic, not to mention the prepubescent alien-whore appearance.
But is it ready? Who the hell are you people? We're making a reality sh-- lt has demonstrated a limited range of emotions, and the emotions are appropriate almost 50% of the time.
All right! lt's go time! Where's Lebaron? Where's Lebaron? What is it saying? Lebaron! - Aah! - Aah! [ giggling .]
Leb-b-b-aron.
Hey, what -- l love Lebaron.
Aah! Aa-a-a-a-a-a-h! [ glass shattering .]
Just between Huey and me [ crying .]
[ laughing .]
Lebaron is dead.
Now l have to find someone else to love.
Who will it be? Watch ''Tila Tequila's a Shot at Love'' tonight on MTV.
[ laughing .]
[ crying .]
[ laughing .]
Aah! Mommy, mommy! Did you know ''dog'' spelled backwards is ''god''? That's right, dear.
You're such a clever little girl.
Kill your parents, Tracy.
l will, God! l've heard about you, lone ranger.
Silver bullets may be pretty to look at, but l bet they ain't no good for shooting.
Oh, yeah? Look at it go! Yeah.
[ chuckles .]
That silver could have fed my entire tribe for a year.
Next question.
Have you ever told your wife you liked her dress when you really didn't? [ exhales slowly .]
Ho ho.
Um [ breathing heavily .]
Ooh, here we go.
Um uh ooh.
Oh, uh yes.
[ crowd gasps .]
Yes.
Wow! They pad the hell out of that show, huh? That's why l subscribe to ''Just the Good Parts'' from my cable or satellite provider.
You can watch an entire B.
S.
game show in just 15 seconds.
Ever told your wife you liked her dress when you really didn't? - Yes.
Ever cheated on your taxes? - Yes.
Ever use the ''n'' word in anger? - Yes.
Ever put your penis in a slinky? - Y-- no.
- You lose! - Aw.
''Just the Good Parts'' speeds up all your favorite shows and movies.
Just watch! [ ''James Bond'' theme plays .]
Bond.
James Bond.
Aiii! Now that the mission's over, let's find your balloon knot.
Oh, James! l have AlDS.
[ laughing .]
Ya ba-dop, doo-bah-da dee bop ba-doodily dah Doo-doo dah da-do, yeah l'm running away from home! l want to go home! l was home all along.
[ explosion .]
A bastard in a basket! [ solemn music plays .]
Laaaa Aa-aaaahh La-aah [ farting .]
Never a saw a man killed with a sword before.
Why don't you take a picture? Wish l had.
[ metal crunching .]
And best picture goes to ''Lawrence of Arabia.
'' Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! [ dance music plays .]
[ farting .]
l'm a Cylon.
l'm a Cylon.
Damn it! l'm a Cylon! l am a Cylon.
[ grumbling .]
Cylon l am a Cylon.
Uhl -- l'm a Cylon.
[ gunshot .]
Gotcha, you filthy Cylon son of a bitch mother fucker You die! [ dramatic music plays .]
Robot Chicken is canceled! is canceled! Canceled! [ both shout .]
[ body thuds .]
Well, that was fun.
But with Robot Chicken canceled, we'll need a way to make money.
Ah, if only l'd cultivated relationships with some of Hollywood's most dynamic and powerful players.
[ fingers snap .]
Wait a minute.
That's exactly what l did.
Quick, my less famous companion, grab on to my coattails, and let's be away! [ sighs .]
Retard.
Wow! Wesleyan University's own Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy, Angel, Firefly, and Dollhouse, thanks for meeting with us.
We kind of have a favor to ask.
Oh, good! l've been looking for a way to repay you for bailing on ''Buffy'' after two seasons.
Anything, Seth, really.
Actually, it's more like us doing you a favor.
How would you like the creators of Robot Chicken writing on one of your shows? You think you're worthy of writing in the Whedonverse? Oh, wow, you actually say ''Whedonverse'' in real life.
That's right! And as one of my creations, l do believe l have let you live long enough.
Time to die, werewolf! Wow! Ron Moore, creator of Battlestar Galactica! How about letting us come aboard and help you with your whip-smart plots? Help? Why would l need help writing plots? l just throw a dart at the cast list, and boom -- they're a Cylon.
Rinse, repeat, cash the fucking check.
Watch.
Sha-boom! Sha-bong! Sha-bing! Cylon.
''Oh, please help me! This is so hard!'' Well, maybe l could act on the show.
l could be a Cylon.
That's right.
You could be.
You won't get me, you fucking skin-jobs! Hey, it's Seth Macfarlane, creator of American Dad.
Hey, hey, come on, guys.
Creator of Family Guy, please.
Look, Seth, we're in trouble.
We need to make some money.
But you already have a job voicing Chris on my insanely popular show.
You expect me to live on hundreds of thousands of dollars a year? Come on.
l depended on Robot Chicken.
Robot Chicken? l haven't heard that name since it got renewed.
Robot Chicken's renewed.
Ha! How'd you do that? How did l do that? No one's asked me that question since C-3PO bought me a leather jacket with Pepsi points.
[ burps .]
Wow! You can do anything you want! Quick! Offhandedly mention that time we all ended world hunger! What? l haven't heard an idea that bad since Hanna-Barbera launched ''Scooby-Jew.
'' Like, would you do it for a Scooby snack? One Scooby snack for all the work l do? l go into a dungeon, l expect at least two, maybe three Scooby snacks.
Ha ha! Die, werewolf! Die, Cylon! And checkerboard wipe to [ thunder crashing .]
[ drilling, sawing .]
[ electricity crackling .]
lt's alive! Gonna be a great day, washing dirt away Got to get it all in my cracks and crevices with the soap Clean, clean, and l love to shower [ toilet flushes .]
No, aah! Aah-ha! Aah! Aah! Ow! Burning! Hot! [ crying .]
Your honor, the defendant was arrested without a license in a car containing three concealed weapons and over an ounce of marijuana.
Well, counsel, if your client insists on pleading the 5th, l'll have no choice but to throw the book at him.
How do you want to proceed? [ gong crashes .]
[ crowd murmuring .]
Order! [ rap music plays .]
This is absurd.
He wants to throw us off his scent.
Good point, talking dog l'll set you free with served time You fucked up now, Parappa! Whoa! Ohh! [ groans .]
Whoa! Oh, Johnny, isn't it beautiful? [ gasps .]
M-Maybe we should go.
No, no, no.
Stay.
Take out her tits.
Steve, you and your wife are wonderful hosts.
l'm being sincere.
You know, Julie, l don't think you ever got a tour of the house.
You're right.
Well, come on.
[ both laughing .]
More apple pie for us, huh? Oh, you.
[ doorbell rings .]
Oh, who could that be? [ door opens .]
Trojan man Excuse me, madam, but l am needed upstairs! Steve! Trojan man Keep it down! l knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard! Put this on your penis! Get off! Get off me! Get off me! Julie, how could you?! My clothes just fell off.
Her vagina will appreciate your forethought! Will you shut the fuck up already?! l am leaving you! Trojan man Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's -- Oh, no, you broke it! That would never happen to a Trojan condom.
Trojan man [ crying .]
You said my problem didn't bother you.
lt doesn't.
l mean, this doesn't change anything.
lt changes everything! A reservoir tip is for your semen! l got to get out of here.
You're a whore! You ruined my life, you whore! [ car door closes, engine turns over, tires screeching .]
l guess l'd better go.
Trojan man Yeah, why don't you just get the fuck out of here? How about that? Trojan man Just in case.
Okay, l need someone to act like they're attacking me.
Louise, how about you? Me? Uh, okay.
That's right.
Just come at me.
Hiya! Aah! Okay, did everyone see what l did there? Last time on ''A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila'' Lebaron you have a shot at love.
Are you interested? - Yes! l'm sorry, dyke.
- lt's Diane.
Yo, l got to give a shout-out to my abs.
Tila, are you really bisexual? Because l get the feeling l never had a chance.
Oh, l am very bisexial, Diane.
l have a number of interests, including acting and hip-hop recording artist.
l am very bisexial.
[ moaning passionately .]
Unh! Yeah! Tough tie! Yeah! But my heart will always belong to Lebanon.
lt's Lebaron.
Cut! The mispronunciations are still a problem.
But that's why we made her omni-ethnic, not to mention the prepubescent alien-whore appearance.
But is it ready? Who the hell are you people? We're making a reality sh-- lt has demonstrated a limited range of emotions, and the emotions are appropriate almost 50% of the time.
All right! lt's go time! Where's Lebaron? Where's Lebaron? What is it saying? Lebaron! - Aah! - Aah! [ giggling .]
Leb-b-b-aron.
Hey, what -- l love Lebaron.
Aah! Aa-a-a-a-a-a-h! [ glass shattering .]
Just between Huey and me [ crying .]
[ laughing .]
Lebaron is dead.
Now l have to find someone else to love.
Who will it be? Watch ''Tila Tequila's a Shot at Love'' tonight on MTV.
[ laughing .]
[ crying .]
[ laughing .]
Aah! Mommy, mommy! Did you know ''dog'' spelled backwards is ''god''? That's right, dear.
You're such a clever little girl.
Kill your parents, Tracy.
l will, God! l've heard about you, lone ranger.
Silver bullets may be pretty to look at, but l bet they ain't no good for shooting.
Oh, yeah? Look at it go! Yeah.
[ chuckles .]
That silver could have fed my entire tribe for a year.
Next question.
Have you ever told your wife you liked her dress when you really didn't? [ exhales slowly .]
Ho ho.
Um [ breathing heavily .]
Ooh, here we go.
Um uh ooh.
Oh, uh yes.
[ crowd gasps .]
Yes.
Wow! They pad the hell out of that show, huh? That's why l subscribe to ''Just the Good Parts'' from my cable or satellite provider.
You can watch an entire B.
S.
game show in just 15 seconds.
Ever told your wife you liked her dress when you really didn't? - Yes.
Ever cheated on your taxes? - Yes.
Ever use the ''n'' word in anger? - Yes.
Ever put your penis in a slinky? - Y-- no.
- You lose! - Aw.
''Just the Good Parts'' speeds up all your favorite shows and movies.
Just watch! [ ''James Bond'' theme plays .]
Bond.
James Bond.
Aiii! Now that the mission's over, let's find your balloon knot.
Oh, James! l have AlDS.
[ laughing .]
Ya ba-dop, doo-bah-da dee bop ba-doodily dah Doo-doo dah da-do, yeah l'm running away from home! l want to go home! l was home all along.
[ explosion .]
A bastard in a basket! [ solemn music plays .]
Laaaa Aa-aaaahh La-aah [ farting .]
Never a saw a man killed with a sword before.
Why don't you take a picture? Wish l had.
[ metal crunching .]
And best picture goes to ''Lawrence of Arabia.
'' Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! [ dance music plays .]
[ farting .]
l'm a Cylon.
l'm a Cylon.
Damn it! l'm a Cylon! l am a Cylon.
[ grumbling .]
Cylon l am a Cylon.
Uhl -- l'm a Cylon.
[ gunshot .]
Gotcha, you filthy Cylon son of a bitch mother fucker You die! [ dramatic music plays .]