Roseanne s01e21 Episode Script

this one's called "death and stuff," and it was written by my first ex-husband, bill pentland, and uh, it was because when the show was conceived it was called- it came back and the title was "life and stuff.
" which i was like, "what happened to roseanne?" and i made them change it.
but- so he wrote "death and stuff" which is kind of a nod to each other.
but it's a really funny show.
he did a real good job and i hope you enjoy it.
ah, whatever happened to dondi? didn't you hear? he married little orphan annie.
they're hoping for a kid with eyes.
have you guys seen my jeans? no, darlene, we don't wear your jeans.
well, they didn't just get up and walk away.
well, yours could've.
funny, mom.
babe, did you find the ad yet? ah, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
ba-ba.
yeah, here it is.
"late model washer and dryer.
great condition, low noise, works dandy.
" ah, that's poetry, ain't it? you know, that perfectly describes the washer and dryer we just bought.
now let me try to run down the ad on the one we're trying to unload.
hey, you think i could get any of these suckers in here to look at it if i wrote, "lint screen broken, agitator cracked, no knobs"? that sounds like you.
well, look at you two.
straight out of the pages of gq and vogue.
hey, jackie.
i saved cathy for you.
there's some great tips in there on landing a man.
okay, then.
well, dan, i i wish you the best of luck.
to the greek market on 19TH street.
darlene's gotta take something to school for greek week.
why don't she take adonis here? rOSEANNE: ooh, baby! hi, aunt jackie.
monstroid.
- you ready to roll? - yep.
where you rolling to? the baklava store.
well, you're not going no place looking like that.
go upstairs and comb your face.
it takes four people to make baklava? only darlene is making baklava.
the rest of us are escaping.
you mean you don't want to spend a delightful sunday with mumsy and popsy? the two most boring people on the face of the earth? sunday around here is death.
will dad have a third cup of coffee? will mom get off the sofa by noon? will you get the hell out of my house? - and stay out! - dAN: scram.
well, baby, we're all alone.
ooh, no kids.
what should we do? oh, you mustn't go back to the sewers from whence you came.
oh, the tragedy of it all.
i love you even though you're not of my species.
i thought i'd wrap my great, big, warm paws around that refrigerator compressor.
ah, foiled again.
hey, how long's this manly job gonna take? oh, one hour, two max.
why? 'cause i got a paycheck's worth of beef in that freezer.
no sweat, as long as nobody opens the door.
goodbye, my love.
ahh.
- go away.
- dAN: get it! it may be somebody for the washer and dryer.
why don't you ever get it? i have to do every damn thing around here.
what? good afternoon, ma'am.
how are you today? i'd just like a moment of your time.
i already been saved.
but not from dirt.
yeah, well, who's in the centerfold this month? i represent grease blitz, the ultimate cleaning solution.
well, i'm pleased to meet ya.
i represent filth.
this product is designed for women just like you, who don't have the time to deal with grime.
well, i got the time.
i just like it.
one demonstration will convince you that you cannot live without this supreme product.
can i trouble you for a glass of water? i've been on my feet all day.
yeah, sure.
come on in.
i really appreciate this.
now watch out for that baked-on grease.
of course, after we get out of the living room you oughta be safe.
do i really have to tell you not to let strangers in the house? oh, he's just a harmless old man.
sure, harmless.
why don't you pick up a newspaper sometime.
see how many of these so-called harmless people turn out to be serial killers.
no, he ain't no serial killer.
anthony avadaca, age 68.
retired bakery truck worker.
known to his neighbors as kind, good with children, charged with the murder of 22 innocent housewives.
the bodies were scattered all over eastern michigan in pieces of strudel.
what kind of strudel? housewife strudel.
well, he is no serial killer, dan.
he just wants to drink a glass of water and sell me 2,000 bucks worth of cleaning products.
that's my second problem.
just don't buy anything.
what makes you think i'm gonna buy anything? 'cause this looks like aisle 12 at budget club.
honey, i think it's time you exercised a little financial restraint.
you know, i think you're right.
i can't afford you anymore.
get out! listen you, i'm saving us a bundle by fixing that compressor under the fridge.
yeah, unless you screw up and have to pay some repairman double sunday overtime.
hey, you, i got a manual.
- ah, you - what's that? nothing, dear.
all right.
oh, i'm sorry, mister, but we're gonna have to skip the demonstration.
excuse me.
mister? mister? come on.
- mister? - what's wrong? - honey, he passed out.
- from what? i don't know.
go check his pulse.
you check his pulse.
- oh, my god.
- what? what's wrong? i think- he's dead, is what's wrong.
check it again.
i know how to count to zero.
crying banatlies, what are we gonna do? i'll call 9-1-1, and you see if you can find out who he is.
- how am i supposed to do that? - well, look for his wallet! what are you doing with those? i'm gonna make a salad.
come on, dan! roseanne, there's no way i'm sticking my hands into this guy's pockets.
hello? he has no wallet.
yeah, i'll hold.
hey, i don't mean to be an ungracious hostess here, but when do you think our guest might be leaving? soon as the coroner pronounces the subject dead.
then the body can be moved.
hey, i pronounced him dead over a half hour ago.
that's true, she did.
the coroner needs to make that determination.
you do not want to be wrong about dead.
no, siree, that would be a real catastrophe.
that guy shouldn't even have been in the house.
we're talking nine, ten hours of paperwork, easy.
i'll just go out to my car, radio the coroner's office, have them check with the morgue make sure they got room in the fridge.
so see if they got room for a rump roast.
roseanne, the refrigerator will get fixed.
forget about the refrigerator.
what are we gonna do if somebody comes over here to look at that washer and dryer and they see our company still laying here? r i invited the guy in the house in the first place.
so i invited him in.
so what? i didn't buy anything.
only 'cause he dropped dead! that still counts.
now look it, usually if somebody drops dead in my kitchen i will take the blame but this is nobody's fault.
dARLENE: why is there a cop car outside our house? cop car? oh, engine trouble.
is that for your baklava? yeah, that.
one pound of bak, two pounds of lava.
you guys take that in the kitchen.
oh, no, dan, you go get the bags for them.
you kids stay out of the kitchen.
bECKY: why? i washed the floors in there.
so how come dad can go in? he helped me.
you washed the floors on a sunday? yeah, i'm gonna start washing the floors every sunday.
like every sunday, you're gonna start taking the kids to movies and stuff like that.
what? we're all turning over a new leaf.
i'm gonna be a better housekeeper, you'll be a better aunt.
what are you doing? how come you're kicking us out? i know what i'm doing and what you're doing.
now take them to a movie and when it's over call me and we can meet for dinner.
what about my baklava? it's due tomorrow.
i haven't forgotten about you.
i'm still trying to reach the coroner.
- ha, ha, ha.
- coroner? who died? yeah, who died? some guy.
we don't know his name.
he's a salesman.
he came to the door right after you left.
he died in our house? did the policeman shoot him? no, honey, he just kind of wound down like when your toys need new batteries.
i've never seen a dead body.
yeah, where'd you guys stash him? - he's in the kitchen.
- you don't need to see him.
i'll be the judge of that.
so what's gonna happen to him? well, when the coroner gets here he's gonna take care of everything.
umm, let's go upstairs.
i'm gonna go take a peek.
- me too.
- no, you're not.
listen, you take your little brother outside and go play and have fun.
all right, deej, let's go wait for the meat wagon.
i hope that guy gets here soon.
i ain't touching that refrigerator till willy loman's outta here.
did you get a hold of the coroner? no, but i did get a hold of his wife.
he's in the middle of a golf tournament.
so get him.
you don't know the coroner when it comes to golf.
you don't know me when it comes to stiffs in my kitchen.
- how long is this gonna take? - well, he just teed off.
it's the member's guest tournament, and it is jammed out there.
well, don't look at me! if we would have had sex like i wanted to, none of this would have ever happened.
why can't we move mr.
excitement out to the garage or something like that? lady, rules are rules.
the body cannot be moved until the coroner gets here.
oh, what the hell.
what did you do? i just lifted the sheet to take a look.
look, just don't touch him.
don't fool around, don't put your hands on him.
just don't, okay? well, i've never seen a dead body before.
well, if that coroner don't get here, you're gonna be eating dinner with one.
gross! mr.
connor, will you give me a hand, please? you gotta be kidding me.
well, dan, that's how i found you.
we gotta put the body back into the original position in which it was found.
good, originally it was found standing at the front door.
hey, you're the authorities.
if you want him moved, you move him.
thanks.
when's the body gonna start to rot? i think i got a few good years left.
well, i gotta make my baklava.
so what's stopping you? it's getting late, huh? is there gonna be enough room on the table for me to lay out my phyllo dough? phyllo dough? what are you making? oh, baklava.
it's for school.
- you know greek? - yeah, i am greek.
prove it.
how long is this stuff supposed to bake? well, until the crust is nicely browned but not dried out.
you see, it's okay now, but we should check it in about half an hour.
okay? man, i hate working on sundays, don't you? come on.
you seen my manual? what did i do with it? oh.
look, uh i'll make you a deal, uh you don't bother me, and what do we got here.
oh, let's see.
thought we had a deal.
oh! well, jeez, i guess i just can't leave you boys alone for five minutes.
i hate you and everything you stand for.
dARLENE: i'll get it.
you owe me.
you owe me forever.
rump roast, dan.
rump roast.
dARLENE: someone's here.
great.
tell him we're in the kitchen.
finally.
the washer and dryer are right over there.
hi, i'm donnie carosek and this is my wife, carol.
- hi.
- hi, i'm dan connor.
this is my wife, roseanne and my daughter, darlene.
dad, aren't you gonna introduce them to uncle edward? darlene, honey, why don't you run along and play, sweetheart? well, the neighborhood's kinda dead today.
darlene.
i'm gone, i'm gone! i guess you guys want to see the washer and dryer.
i believe we still have a set in stock.
is this a good time? oh, yeah, we're all just kicking back.
washer and dryer are right in here.
i think i got becky feeling better.
- how'd you manage that? - a quart of scotch.
- very funny.
- how's he doing? he's still dead.
probably doing better than any of us.
that's the cosmic joke, roseanne.
he's the happiest man on the planet.
how do you figure that? his troubles are over.
never again have to stand in a line, he'll never again have to listen to the muzak version of muskrat love.
never again have to eat a hamburger and bite into one of those little hard things.
how do you feel about electric shock therapy? well, uh i don't know, honey.
what do you think? i don't know.
what are you asking for it? $125.
yeah, but there's no knobs and the lint screen's broke.
okay, 50 bucks.
well? - it's time.
- it's time.
- it is time.
- time for what? it's time for his medicine.
it's medicine time.
it's medicine time.
it's his medicine time.
it's medicine time.
uh medicine time.
well, you guys are gonna have to go now, 'cause it's time for him to take his medicine and everything.
what does he take the medicine for? muscle spasms in his neck.
$35, we'll discuss it in the other room.
rosie, you give him his medicine.
you know, my aunt had terrible neck spasms.
sometimes all she needed was a good massage.
that's a great idea, honey.
why don't you take the caroseks in the living room, and i'll- i'll work on uncle edward.
i hope this isn't out of place, but i am a massage therapist.
boy, he is stiff.
$7.
50, but you gotta say yes.
how are you doing, honey? a lot better than him.
i feel bad for him.
poor old man has to go door-to-door to earn a living, and he ends his life in the kitchen of a house he was never even in before.
well if you were feeling any different than you're feeling, something would definitely be wrong.
well, then there's obviously something wrong with darlene.
no, there isn't, honey.
she feels just as bad as you.
she just shows it in a different way.
oh, great.
mom, there's an ambulance outside.
yeah, and some guy with a golf bag.
well, it better be the coroner 'cause if it's a golf salesman we're out of chairs.
how's my baklava? it's very hot.
don't touch it.
ouch! it's hot.
you think just 'cause you got a gun she's gonna listen to you? oh, that must be dave.
should we put the sheet back over him? let's just put it right back on d.
j.
's bed.
let's put it on darlene's bed.
let's see who can yell the loudest.
i can! now shut up.
yep.
he's dead.
there's that in-depth medical expertise we've been waiting for.
write him up, gene.
bag him, hank.
- hANK: name? - gENE: uh, john doe.
a guy shouldn't have to live his whole life just to be buried as john doe.
well, they'll find out his real name tomorrow.
he needs a name tonight.
well, what are we gonna call him? he kind of looks like a charlie.
maybe he looks like a george? he's a william, definitely a william.
william it is.
hey, hold on a second.
i don't know where you're going, mister, but if you bump into janis joplin, tell her i said hi.
i tried that technique you told me about.
where's d.
j.
? d.
j.
! oh, i'm so glad we have an intercom.
he's been upstairs all day making gifts for everyone, but he won't say what they are.
who cares? okay, everybody, close your eyes.
- okay, open your eyes.
- what'd you get us, bub? toe tags.