Roseanne s02e16 Episode Script
Born to Be Wild
WHY DON'T YOU CALL IN SICK AND WE'LL GO DO SOMETHING? WHY DON'T YOU GO DO SOMETHING WITH DAN? I ALREADY DID SOMETHING WITH DAN.
WE GOT OUT OF BED.
I THOUGHT YOU AND DAN WERE GONNA GO OVER TO PHIL AND VONDA'S.
NO, I DON'T THINK WE'RE GONNA GO.
WHY NOT? 'CAUSE HE HAS ABOUT 50 GAMES HE WANTS TO WATCH, AND THEN D.
J.
HAS JOEY OVER.
WELL, SO, MAYBE YOU COULD GO LATER, AFTER BECKY GETS BACK FROM THE MALL.
DUH! HEY, JACKIE.
NICE CREASE.
BYE, MOM.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? OUT.
CAN I GO WITH YOU? OH, PLEASE.
DAN, WE COULD, UM, GO OVER TO PHIL AND VONDA'S LATER ON.
I DON'T KNOW.
[TV ON.]
WHO'S THIS PARTY FOR, ANYWAY? WELL, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? IT'S PEOPLE.
IT'S A CHANCE TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
COME ON, PLAY DEFENSE! IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO ALL DAY? JUST SIT HERE AND WATCH SPORTS? PRETTY MUCH.
WELL, PHIL AND VONDA DON'T LIVE THAT FAR.
I MEAN, I PROMISE YOU WON'T HAVE TO BE ON YOUR FEET MORE THAN TWO MINUTES.
PHIL AND VONDA HAVE A TV SET, TOO.
YEAH THEY GOT AN IRON, TOO.
WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER THERE? I'M GOING TO WORK.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
ARE YOU GONNA BE HERE? FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I'M BACK! HOW MUCH ARE THEY LOSING BY? I'VE EVER SAW.
THESE GUYS ARE SO BAD, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
DO YOU WANT ME TO MEND THESE OR JUST TOSS 'EM OUT? YEAH, HONEY, WOULD YOU FIX 'EM? I WANNA KEEP 'EM.
DO YOU WANT ME TO FIX THIS SO YOU CAN WEAR IT, TOO? YEAH, HONEY.
IT'S MY FAVORITE.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
DAD, THERE'S A GUY OUTSIDE PETTING A MOTORCYCLE.
OH, LET ME.
OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS.
GET OVER HERE.
HEY.
HEY! HEY, WHAT? NO BIKERS ALLOWED, MAN! ZIGGY! [GROWLING.]
AAH! AAH! OH, MAN.
YEAH! WHOA! WHOA.
YOU GUYS GOT BIG.
NOT REALLY.
IT'S JUST A VERY SMALL HOUSE.
WHAT BRINGS YOU BACK HERE, MAN? COME BACK TO FIND YOURSELF? HEY, MAN, I NEVER LOST IT.
WELL, THAT'S YOUR OPINION.
SO WHAT BRINGS YOU BACK TO LANFORD? OH, WE'RE LAYING A FIBER OPTIC CABLE RIGHT THROUGH THE CENTER OF TOWN.
MOM, WHOSE MOTORCYCLE'S IN OUR FRONT YARD? WHOA.
WHO ARE THESE KIDS? THEY CAME WITH THE HOUSE.
WOW! I HAD TO MAKE MINE.
YOU GOT KIDS? YEAH, 2 BOYS.
NO.
YEAH.
CHECKED THEM AT BIRTH.
THEY'RE BOYS.
HOW COME YOU DIDN'T INVITE US TO YOUR WEDDING? WHAT WEDDING? AREN'T YOU MARRIED? NAH! NO.
WE TALK ABOUT IT SOMETIMES, BUT THE KIDS ARE AGAINST IT.
I CAN SEE WHY.
AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME? DARLENE.
OOH, I DIG IT.
YOU NAMED HER AFTER THE MOUSEKETEER.
WHAT?! IS THAT TRUE? OF COURSE THAT'S NOT TRUE.
YOU GOT TO MEET OUR SON.
CUBBY! ANNETTE, RIGHT? BECKY.
HI, BECKY.
ZIGGY WALSH.
HI.
[IMITATES MACHINE-GUN FIRE.]
WHOA! LOOK OUT! THIS IS D.
J.
SAY HELLO TO ZIGGY.
HELLO, ZIGGY.
PERFECT.
YOU CAN GO NOW.
THAT'S THE LAD.
SO HOW'S IT FEEL TO BE BACK IN LANFORD? IT'S WEIRD, MAN.
I MEAN, I MADE THE WHOLE MAIN STREET/ LANFORD AVENUE LOOP.
YOU KNOW, DROVE BY THE HIGH SCHOOL, DROVE BY COOK'S.
I MEAN, LIKE, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING'S CHANGED.
I MEAN, EVEN THOSE RAILROAD TRACKS BEHIND THE SUPERMARKET THAT RUN RIGHT INTO THE CEMENT WALL.
IN MY OPINION, THE PERFECT METAPHOR FOR LANFORD.
HAVE YOU EVER KILLED ANYONE? CHECK IT OUT, MAN.
'71.
LOOKOUT POINT.
THAT'S WHEN YOR INTRODUCED ME TO THE HARRIS SISTERS.
YOR? YOR? THAT'S YOUR DAD.
YOR! YOR?! YOR?! YOR! YEAH.
YOU LITTLE CHICKS GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? I CALLED JACKIE.
SHE'S GONNA MEET US LATER SO WE CAN GO OUT.
OK, GREAT.
I THOUGHT WE MIGHT SPRING FOR A MEAL AT THE LANFORD INN, BUT YOU GOTTA WEAR A TIE.
SORRY.
DANNY, LET'S YOU AND ME JUST GO OVER TO THE LOBO, HUH? HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME HERE WHILE YOU TWO GO OUT AND GUY AROUND, NORBERT.
NORBERT? NORBERT? I DON'T RESPOND TO THAT NAME.
DOES YOUR MOM STILL CALL YOU NORBIE? HEY, MAN, HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH THIS CHICK? I HAVE TO.
I'M MARRIED TO HER.
YOU GUYS GOT MARRIED? YOU WERE IN THE WEDDING.
RIGHT! OK, ROSIE, YOU'RE GOING WITH US.
SEE, LIKE I SAID, NOTHING'S CHANGED.
CHECK IT OUT, LADY.
'71.
YOUR MAN.
WHERE WAS I? HONEY, THE IDEA OF YOU ISN'T EVEN IN THIS PICTURE.
YOU LOOK PRETTY COOL, HERE, YOR.
WHOSE BIKE? MINE.
DIG THOSE FUNKY BELLBOTTOMS.
UGH! AMAZING, MAN, SHE'S JUST LIKE YOU.
I AM NOT.
I'M NOTHING LIKE HER.
SEE WHAT I MEAN? HONEY, YOU ARE NO MORE LIKE ME THAN I AM LIKE MY MOTHER.
OH, GOD.
HEY, ZIG, CAN WE GO LOOK AT YOUR HONDA? MY WHAT? MY WHAT?! PUMPKIN, IT'S A HARLEY.
IT IS A HERITAGE SOFT TAIL-- THE NEW EVOLUTION ENGINE, THE BLOCKHEAD THAT IS 80, 8-O, CUBIC INCHES OF BONE-SHAKING POWER ANNETTE.
BECKY, NOT A HONDA.
HARLEY.
CAN YOU SAY HARLEY? I KNOW THAT YOU CAN.
APOLOGIZE TO THE ZIGMEISTER.
SORRY ZIGMEISTER.
IT'S OK.
ONCE YOU GET ON ONE, YOU'LL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
AND GUESS WHAT, HONEY? THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN IN MY LIFETIME.
CAN WE GO SIT ON IT? NO.
NO.
WE'LL JUST LOOK.
OK, BUT NOT TOO HARD.
BECKY, YOU WATCH YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER WHILE WE'RE GONE, OK, BUT NOT TOO HARD.
HEY, DANNY.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT '55 PAN OF YOURS? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN? IT'S OUT IN THE GARAGE.
HOW'S IT HOLDING UP? PRETTY GOOD.
OH, MAN, NOW THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL BIKE.
I MEAN, YOU HAD IT TRICKED OUT REAL CHERRY.
THAT BIKE'S A CLASSIC.
WE BETTER GET TO LOBO BEFORE IT GETS TOO CROWDED! HEY, COME ON, I JUST GOTTA TAKE A LOOK AT IT BEFORE WE GO.
JUST TO PAY HOMAGE, HUH? YEAH, WHAT THE HELL? IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE HAD THE BIKE OUT.
SURE, MAN.
WORK'S BEEN KEEPING ME REAL BUSY.
YEAH, I HEAR YOU, MAN.
A COUPLE YEARS AGO, I HURT MY BACK.
I COULDN'T GET BACK ON MY WHEELS FOR ALMOST 2 WEEKS.
I MADE A VOW, MAN.
WHOA, NEVER AGAIN.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN, MAN, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, THINGS COME UP.
YEAH, PRIORITIES, MAN.
I GOT THIS CANVAS TO KEEP THE SAWDUST OFF.
AND, WELL, YOU KNOW, LIKE I SAID, UH, THINGS COME UP.
IT COULD USE A LITTLE WORK.
I GOT THE FRONT WHEEL RIGHT HERE, AND I COULD POLISH UP THE CHROME A LITTLE BIT.
IT WOULD PROBABLY START RIGHT UP.
DANNY DANNY, MAN YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED.
THEY PROVED IT IN COURT, MAN, I'M TELLING YOU.
DDT MADE THE OSPREY EGGSHELL SO THIN THAT WHEN THE MOTHER OSPREY SAT ON HER NEST, SHE BROKE HER OWN EGGS.
WHO CARES? HEY, MAN, NO MORE DDT.
I LIKE DDT.
IS THIS ECOLOGY BAG YOUR LATEST TRIP? CALL ME FUSSY, PAL.
THIS IS MY PLANET.
REALLY? WE WEREN'T SURE.
I'M TELLING YOU, YOU GUYS ARE LIVING TOO FAR FROM THE EDGE.
YOU WANT TO LIVE ON THE EDGE? TRY GETTING A MORTGAGE FOR 30 YEARS.
YEAH, WE'RE TWICE AS INSANE AS YOU ARE.
HEY, YOU STILL GOT THE KNACK, SIS.
WELL, SOME THINGS YOU NEVER LOSE.
AND SOME THINGS YOU LOSE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
YO! TO YOUTH! YOUTH! YOUTH! AND ALL THE FUN AND STUPIDITY THAT GOES ALONG WITH IT.
GIVE ME SOME QUARTERS, WOULD YOU? YEAH.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA PLAY? I KNOW WHAT TO PLAY.
OH, NO.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE GONNA PLAY E-9.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH E-9? THEY'RE MY QUARTERS.
GOD, DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BIG BABY? SO, JACKS.
WHAT YOU BEEN DOING? I'M A COP.
COP.
UH-HUH.
SINCE NOVEMBER.
SINCE NOVEMBER.
YEAH.
YOU ALWAYS HAD A REALLY OUT-THERE SENSE OF HUMOR, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I DON'T KNOW, I MEAN, LIKE-- LIKE TELLING ME YOU'RE A COP.
NO, I AM.
I'M A POLICEWOMAN FOR THE LANFORD POLICE FORCE.
SO WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING? ROSEANNE, WHAT DO I DO FOR A LIVING? YOU BETTER NOT DRINK NO MORE.
NO, LOOK.
THERE.
THAT'S MY BADGE, OK? NOW YOU BELIEVE ME? OR YOU STILL THINK I'M MESSING WITH YOUR MIND, MAN? OOH.
WHAT IS SO DAMN FUNNY? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT WHAT I'M TELLING YOU? I'M A COP.
I WENT TO THE ACADEMY.
YOU'RE A COP.
WENT TO THE ACADEMY.
IN SPRINGFIELD.
OOH, SPRINGFIELD.
I BUSTED MY TAIL FOR SIX WEEKS.
I CAN PICK UP A MAN AND THROW HIM AGAINST THE WALL! DO IT! BECAUSE I'M A POLICEWOMAN! RIGHT! THAT'S WHAT I DO! WOMAN! YEAH! YOU GOT THIS DOWN ON RUSS STREET, RIGHT? WHOA! NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME? GREAT.
GREAT! WANT TO PLAY POOL? SURE.
HERE'S THE KEYS IN CASE YOU WANT TO UNCUFF HIM.
WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN THAT GUY? I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK YOU KEPT YOUR EYES CLOSED ALL THE TIME.
WHAT IS IT WITH GUYS ON MOTORCYCLES? WELL, SPEAKING AS A YOUNG GIRL, YOU KNOW FOR CERTAIN THAT'S THE ONE THING THAT'S REALLY GONNA FREAK YOUR PARENTS OUT.
AND THAT IS A BIG PLUS.
BIG PLUS.
GOD, YOU KNOW, BUT I JUST USED TO LOVE RIDING ON THAT THING WITH DAN.
I MEAN, JUST THAT FEELING, YOU KNOW? IT WAS LIKE DANGER AND FREEDOM AND SEX AND IT WAS ALL ROLLED UP INTO ONE.
HE USED TO COME AND PICK ME UP ON HIS BIKE AND WE WOULD JUST BLAST OFF AND HIT THE HIGHWAY.
WE'D JUST BE FLYING.
GOD, IT WAS SO MUCH FUN.
YEAH.
I REALLY MISS THAT.
DANNY, BE STRAIGHT WITH ME, MAN.
I MEAN, HEY, COME ON, JUST BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER FOR 20 YEARS DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT STILL YOUR BEST FRIEND.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, MAN? WHAT HAPPENED TO ROSIE? WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT '55 PAN, MAN? HEY, MAN, I GOT 3 KIDS.
YEAH, SO? I GOT 2 KIDS AND 3 MOTORCYCLES.
I'M TRYING TO START A BUSINESS.
YEAH? I'M TRYING TO BUY A HOME.
YEAH? I CAVED.
MAN, I WAS HOPING YOU AND YOUR OLD LADY WOULD COME PACKING UP TO THE STURGIS RUN THIS SUMMER.
I CAN'T GO TO STURGIS.
COME ON, MAN! THIS IS THE YEAR TO GO, YOU KNOW? THE BLACK HILLS RUN.
THE QUEEN MAMA.
EVERYBODY AND THEIR DOG IS GONNA BE THERE.
COME ON.
WE'LL TRASH THE MARRIOTT.
MAN, YOU SAW THE BIKE.
THERE'S NO WAY.
DON'T BLAME IT ON THE BIKE, MAN.
HARLEYS NEVER DIE.
JUST THE OWNERS.
AW, COME ON.
I CAN'T.
FINE.
THEN SELL ME THE BIKE.
Roseanne: HEY, THAT BIKE IS THE LAST SPECK OF OUR YOUTH.
YOU CAN'T GO SELL THAT BIKE.
COME ON, ROSEANNE, WE DON'T USE IT ANYMORE.
PRECISELY MY POINT.
THAT'S WHY WE GOTTA KEEP IT.
YOU KNOW, WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU? I MEAN, WHAT'S THIS KICK YOU'RE ALL OF A SUDDEN ON? OH, YOU MEAN THIS WANTING TO LIVE THING? HA HA.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS GOING OUT WITH YOU, DAN-- AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, WE DID GO OUT ALL THE TIME-- MAKE A POINT, ROSEANNE.
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, I JUST USED TO LOVE THE SOUND OF THAT BIKE.
I COULD HEAR IT LIKE A BLOCK AWAY, YOU KNOW? AND I KNEW THAT YOU WERE GONNA BE COMING AND SHOWING UP ANY SECOND.
THAT BIKE WAS LIKE MY FAVORITE SOUND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.
THAT BIKE'S WHERE WE FELL IN LOVE.
OH, WE'RE STILL IN LOVE.
WE DON'T NEED NO BIKE TO BE IN LOVE.
YEAH, BUT, I MEAN, WHEN WE WERE RIDING ON THAT BIKE, DAN, WE WERE FREE.
BABY, THAT'S NOT US ANYMORE.
YEAH, NO KIDDING.
WE ARE AS DUSTY AND OLD AS THAT BIKE ITSELF.
COME ON, ROSEANNE.
IT'S TRUE, DAN.
NOBODY EVER COMES AND TAKES US OUT FOR A SPIN.
SPIN? WHEN DO WE HAVE TIME TO GO OUT FOR A SPIN? WELL, WE DON'T EVEN DO NOTHING ANYMORE.
I MEAN, WE DON'T TRAVEL.
WE DON'T DO NOTHING.
WE LOCK OURSELVES UP HERE IN THE LIVING ROOM IN FRONT OF THE TV, AND THEN WE GO TO WORK.
I MEAN, WE USED TO BE DAN AND ROSEANNE.
WE'RE STILL DAN AND ROSEANNE.
NO, WE'RE NOT.
WE'RE THE CONNERS, LIKE THE BELLS AND THE HACKETTS AND THE JONESES.
I LIKE BEING THE CONNERS.
DON'T SELL THE BIKE.
I LOVE THAT BIKE AS MUCH AS YOU DO.
BUT RIGHT NOW IT'S A PIECE OF JUNK AND IT'S TAKING UP A LOT OF SPACE, AND WE NEED THE MONEY.
AND WOULDN'T YOU RATHER BE DAN AND ROSEANNE IN THE BLACK? GEEZER! Roseanne: HE'S IN HERE, ZIG.
ZIGGY'S HERE TO PICK UP THE BIKE.
YEAH, I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR STOCK PARTS.
HEY, ZIG.
I FOUND THE FENDERS AND THE FAT BOB TANK.
I COULDN'T FIND THE CAP.
NO PROBLEM.
WELL, I WANNA MAKE SURE YOU GET EVERYTHING I GOT.
YEAH.
GREAT.
THIS OK WITH YOU, ROSIE? I MEAN, YOU KNOW I'LL TAKE REAL GOOD CARE OF HER, RIGHT? YEAH.
HEY, BABY REMEMBER THIS? YEAH.
OK, I, UH I MADE THIS OUT FOR HALF THE AMOUNT.
AND THEN I WROTE ONE OUT FOR THE OTHER HALF.
IT'LL BE GOOD IN 3 WEEKS.
OK? I CAN'T DO IT.
I CAN'T SELL YOU THE BIKE.
I THOUGHT I COULD.
I CAN'T SELL IT.
IT'S TOO MUCH OF MY PAST.
FORGET THE PAST, MAN! I'M NOT GONNA SELL YOU THE BIKE, THAT'S ALL.
FINE, OK? I'M NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD SELL ME THE BIKE.
THAT'S GREAT.
COOL.
DON'T SELL ME THE BIKE.
BUT DON'T DO IT 'CAUSE YOU'RE HANGING ON TO THE PAST, MAN.
DO IT 'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA GET BACK ON IT, OK? YOU'VE BEEN RIDING THAT SOFA TOO LONG.
I'M NOT A TEENAGER IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE! HEY, NEITHER AM I, MAN, OK?! I HAVEN'T BEEN IN STUDY HALL FOR20 YEARS.
MAN, I'M TALKING ABOUT SHUTTING DOWN INSIDE.
YOU DON'T GET DUST ON THE FENDERS UNTIL YOU SHUT OFF THE ENGINE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WOULD TAKE TO GET HER GOING AGAIN? A PHONE CALL TO MY OLD LADY SAYING I'LL BE ANOTHER FEW DAYS.
WHAT ABOUT WORK, MAN? I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO GET BACK TO WORK.
[IMITATES JOHN WAYNE.]
WELL, THAT WAS BEFORE I HAD A BIKE TO REBUILD.
HEY.
I APPRECIATE THIS.
HEY PRIORITIES, MAN.
COME ON, D.
J.
, COME ON.
YOU'D THINK THEY WERE UNVEILING THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.
THIS BETTER THAN THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.
YEAH.
IT MOVES.
ROSIE! MRS.
CONNER IS WEARING HER ORIGINAL LEATHER JACKET, ACCENTED ON THE YOKE BY LEATHER AND SILVER, PURCHASED WITH THE MONEY SHE STOLE FROM HER MOTHER'S PURSE.
NICE THREADS.
WHY, THANK YOU.
WELL, LET'S SEE IT! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MEMBERS OF THE PRESS, DISTINGUISHED SCIENTISTS, NASA MEMBERS, MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY, I'M PROUD TO PRESENT THE SEED OF PASSION ON WHICH THIS FAMILY WAS FOUNDED.
CHECK IT OUT.
OW! HOLY! OH, DAN.
CAN WE SIT ON IT? GET AWAY FROM THERE! HONEY, I WANT YOU TO SIT ON IT.
OH, YEAH! YES! WAHOO! OOH-LA-LA.
NICE JACKET-AH.
ALL RIGHT.
THE SHOCKS HELD.
HEY, ROSEANNE YOU WANT A RIDE HOME? OH, MY FOLKS DON'T ALLOW ME TO RIDE ON MOTORCYCLES.
I MEAN, HEY, MAN, DON'T LET YOUR ANCESTORS BUM YOUR TRIP.
I'M NOT SURE THAT I SHOULD.
WELL TAKE A CHANCE.
YOU'LL BE WITH ME.
UH, WHAT ARE YOU REBELLING AGAINST, DANNY? WHAT DO YOU GOT? CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL GET YOUR MOTOR RUNNIN' HEAD OUT ON THE HIGHWAY LOOKIN' FOR ADVENTURE AND WHATEVER COMES OUR WAY YOU'RE GONNA-- GONNA MAKE IT HAPPEN TAKE THE WORLD IN A LOVE EMBRACE FIRE ALL OF YOUR GUNS AT ONCE, AND EXPLODE INTO SPACE LIKE A TRUE NATURE'S CHILD WE WERE BORN, BORN TO BE WILD WE COULD CLIMB SO HIGH NEVER WANNA DIE BORN TO BE WILD BORN TO BE WILD
WE GOT OUT OF BED.
I THOUGHT YOU AND DAN WERE GONNA GO OVER TO PHIL AND VONDA'S.
NO, I DON'T THINK WE'RE GONNA GO.
WHY NOT? 'CAUSE HE HAS ABOUT 50 GAMES HE WANTS TO WATCH, AND THEN D.
J.
HAS JOEY OVER.
WELL, SO, MAYBE YOU COULD GO LATER, AFTER BECKY GETS BACK FROM THE MALL.
DUH! HEY, JACKIE.
NICE CREASE.
BYE, MOM.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? OUT.
CAN I GO WITH YOU? OH, PLEASE.
DAN, WE COULD, UM, GO OVER TO PHIL AND VONDA'S LATER ON.
I DON'T KNOW.
[TV ON.]
WHO'S THIS PARTY FOR, ANYWAY? WELL, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? IT'S PEOPLE.
IT'S A CHANCE TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
COME ON, PLAY DEFENSE! IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO ALL DAY? JUST SIT HERE AND WATCH SPORTS? PRETTY MUCH.
WELL, PHIL AND VONDA DON'T LIVE THAT FAR.
I MEAN, I PROMISE YOU WON'T HAVE TO BE ON YOUR FEET MORE THAN TWO MINUTES.
PHIL AND VONDA HAVE A TV SET, TOO.
YEAH THEY GOT AN IRON, TOO.
WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER THERE? I'M GOING TO WORK.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
ARE YOU GONNA BE HERE? FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I'M BACK! HOW MUCH ARE THEY LOSING BY? I'VE EVER SAW.
THESE GUYS ARE SO BAD, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
DO YOU WANT ME TO MEND THESE OR JUST TOSS 'EM OUT? YEAH, HONEY, WOULD YOU FIX 'EM? I WANNA KEEP 'EM.
DO YOU WANT ME TO FIX THIS SO YOU CAN WEAR IT, TOO? YEAH, HONEY.
IT'S MY FAVORITE.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
DAD, THERE'S A GUY OUTSIDE PETTING A MOTORCYCLE.
OH, LET ME.
OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS.
GET OVER HERE.
HEY.
HEY! HEY, WHAT? NO BIKERS ALLOWED, MAN! ZIGGY! [GROWLING.]
AAH! AAH! OH, MAN.
YEAH! WHOA! WHOA.
YOU GUYS GOT BIG.
NOT REALLY.
IT'S JUST A VERY SMALL HOUSE.
WHAT BRINGS YOU BACK HERE, MAN? COME BACK TO FIND YOURSELF? HEY, MAN, I NEVER LOST IT.
WELL, THAT'S YOUR OPINION.
SO WHAT BRINGS YOU BACK TO LANFORD? OH, WE'RE LAYING A FIBER OPTIC CABLE RIGHT THROUGH THE CENTER OF TOWN.
MOM, WHOSE MOTORCYCLE'S IN OUR FRONT YARD? WHOA.
WHO ARE THESE KIDS? THEY CAME WITH THE HOUSE.
WOW! I HAD TO MAKE MINE.
YOU GOT KIDS? YEAH, 2 BOYS.
NO.
YEAH.
CHECKED THEM AT BIRTH.
THEY'RE BOYS.
HOW COME YOU DIDN'T INVITE US TO YOUR WEDDING? WHAT WEDDING? AREN'T YOU MARRIED? NAH! NO.
WE TALK ABOUT IT SOMETIMES, BUT THE KIDS ARE AGAINST IT.
I CAN SEE WHY.
AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME? DARLENE.
OOH, I DIG IT.
YOU NAMED HER AFTER THE MOUSEKETEER.
WHAT?! IS THAT TRUE? OF COURSE THAT'S NOT TRUE.
YOU GOT TO MEET OUR SON.
CUBBY! ANNETTE, RIGHT? BECKY.
HI, BECKY.
ZIGGY WALSH.
HI.
[IMITATES MACHINE-GUN FIRE.]
WHOA! LOOK OUT! THIS IS D.
J.
SAY HELLO TO ZIGGY.
HELLO, ZIGGY.
PERFECT.
YOU CAN GO NOW.
THAT'S THE LAD.
SO HOW'S IT FEEL TO BE BACK IN LANFORD? IT'S WEIRD, MAN.
I MEAN, I MADE THE WHOLE MAIN STREET/ LANFORD AVENUE LOOP.
YOU KNOW, DROVE BY THE HIGH SCHOOL, DROVE BY COOK'S.
I MEAN, LIKE, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING'S CHANGED.
I MEAN, EVEN THOSE RAILROAD TRACKS BEHIND THE SUPERMARKET THAT RUN RIGHT INTO THE CEMENT WALL.
IN MY OPINION, THE PERFECT METAPHOR FOR LANFORD.
HAVE YOU EVER KILLED ANYONE? CHECK IT OUT, MAN.
'71.
LOOKOUT POINT.
THAT'S WHEN YOR INTRODUCED ME TO THE HARRIS SISTERS.
YOR? YOR? THAT'S YOUR DAD.
YOR! YOR?! YOR?! YOR! YEAH.
YOU LITTLE CHICKS GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? I CALLED JACKIE.
SHE'S GONNA MEET US LATER SO WE CAN GO OUT.
OK, GREAT.
I THOUGHT WE MIGHT SPRING FOR A MEAL AT THE LANFORD INN, BUT YOU GOTTA WEAR A TIE.
SORRY.
DANNY, LET'S YOU AND ME JUST GO OVER TO THE LOBO, HUH? HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME HERE WHILE YOU TWO GO OUT AND GUY AROUND, NORBERT.
NORBERT? NORBERT? I DON'T RESPOND TO THAT NAME.
DOES YOUR MOM STILL CALL YOU NORBIE? HEY, MAN, HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH THIS CHICK? I HAVE TO.
I'M MARRIED TO HER.
YOU GUYS GOT MARRIED? YOU WERE IN THE WEDDING.
RIGHT! OK, ROSIE, YOU'RE GOING WITH US.
SEE, LIKE I SAID, NOTHING'S CHANGED.
CHECK IT OUT, LADY.
'71.
YOUR MAN.
WHERE WAS I? HONEY, THE IDEA OF YOU ISN'T EVEN IN THIS PICTURE.
YOU LOOK PRETTY COOL, HERE, YOR.
WHOSE BIKE? MINE.
DIG THOSE FUNKY BELLBOTTOMS.
UGH! AMAZING, MAN, SHE'S JUST LIKE YOU.
I AM NOT.
I'M NOTHING LIKE HER.
SEE WHAT I MEAN? HONEY, YOU ARE NO MORE LIKE ME THAN I AM LIKE MY MOTHER.
OH, GOD.
HEY, ZIG, CAN WE GO LOOK AT YOUR HONDA? MY WHAT? MY WHAT?! PUMPKIN, IT'S A HARLEY.
IT IS A HERITAGE SOFT TAIL-- THE NEW EVOLUTION ENGINE, THE BLOCKHEAD THAT IS 80, 8-O, CUBIC INCHES OF BONE-SHAKING POWER ANNETTE.
BECKY, NOT A HONDA.
HARLEY.
CAN YOU SAY HARLEY? I KNOW THAT YOU CAN.
APOLOGIZE TO THE ZIGMEISTER.
SORRY ZIGMEISTER.
IT'S OK.
ONCE YOU GET ON ONE, YOU'LL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
AND GUESS WHAT, HONEY? THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN IN MY LIFETIME.
CAN WE GO SIT ON IT? NO.
NO.
WE'LL JUST LOOK.
OK, BUT NOT TOO HARD.
BECKY, YOU WATCH YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER WHILE WE'RE GONE, OK, BUT NOT TOO HARD.
HEY, DANNY.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT '55 PAN OF YOURS? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN? IT'S OUT IN THE GARAGE.
HOW'S IT HOLDING UP? PRETTY GOOD.
OH, MAN, NOW THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL BIKE.
I MEAN, YOU HAD IT TRICKED OUT REAL CHERRY.
THAT BIKE'S A CLASSIC.
WE BETTER GET TO LOBO BEFORE IT GETS TOO CROWDED! HEY, COME ON, I JUST GOTTA TAKE A LOOK AT IT BEFORE WE GO.
JUST TO PAY HOMAGE, HUH? YEAH, WHAT THE HELL? IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE HAD THE BIKE OUT.
SURE, MAN.
WORK'S BEEN KEEPING ME REAL BUSY.
YEAH, I HEAR YOU, MAN.
A COUPLE YEARS AGO, I HURT MY BACK.
I COULDN'T GET BACK ON MY WHEELS FOR ALMOST 2 WEEKS.
I MADE A VOW, MAN.
WHOA, NEVER AGAIN.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN, MAN, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, THINGS COME UP.
YEAH, PRIORITIES, MAN.
I GOT THIS CANVAS TO KEEP THE SAWDUST OFF.
AND, WELL, YOU KNOW, LIKE I SAID, UH, THINGS COME UP.
IT COULD USE A LITTLE WORK.
I GOT THE FRONT WHEEL RIGHT HERE, AND I COULD POLISH UP THE CHROME A LITTLE BIT.
IT WOULD PROBABLY START RIGHT UP.
DANNY DANNY, MAN YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED.
THEY PROVED IT IN COURT, MAN, I'M TELLING YOU.
DDT MADE THE OSPREY EGGSHELL SO THIN THAT WHEN THE MOTHER OSPREY SAT ON HER NEST, SHE BROKE HER OWN EGGS.
WHO CARES? HEY, MAN, NO MORE DDT.
I LIKE DDT.
IS THIS ECOLOGY BAG YOUR LATEST TRIP? CALL ME FUSSY, PAL.
THIS IS MY PLANET.
REALLY? WE WEREN'T SURE.
I'M TELLING YOU, YOU GUYS ARE LIVING TOO FAR FROM THE EDGE.
YOU WANT TO LIVE ON THE EDGE? TRY GETTING A MORTGAGE FOR 30 YEARS.
YEAH, WE'RE TWICE AS INSANE AS YOU ARE.
HEY, YOU STILL GOT THE KNACK, SIS.
WELL, SOME THINGS YOU NEVER LOSE.
AND SOME THINGS YOU LOSE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
YO! TO YOUTH! YOUTH! YOUTH! AND ALL THE FUN AND STUPIDITY THAT GOES ALONG WITH IT.
GIVE ME SOME QUARTERS, WOULD YOU? YEAH.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA PLAY? I KNOW WHAT TO PLAY.
OH, NO.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE GONNA PLAY E-9.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH E-9? THEY'RE MY QUARTERS.
GOD, DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BIG BABY? SO, JACKS.
WHAT YOU BEEN DOING? I'M A COP.
COP.
UH-HUH.
SINCE NOVEMBER.
SINCE NOVEMBER.
YEAH.
YOU ALWAYS HAD A REALLY OUT-THERE SENSE OF HUMOR, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I DON'T KNOW, I MEAN, LIKE-- LIKE TELLING ME YOU'RE A COP.
NO, I AM.
I'M A POLICEWOMAN FOR THE LANFORD POLICE FORCE.
SO WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING? ROSEANNE, WHAT DO I DO FOR A LIVING? YOU BETTER NOT DRINK NO MORE.
NO, LOOK.
THERE.
THAT'S MY BADGE, OK? NOW YOU BELIEVE ME? OR YOU STILL THINK I'M MESSING WITH YOUR MIND, MAN? OOH.
WHAT IS SO DAMN FUNNY? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT WHAT I'M TELLING YOU? I'M A COP.
I WENT TO THE ACADEMY.
YOU'RE A COP.
WENT TO THE ACADEMY.
IN SPRINGFIELD.
OOH, SPRINGFIELD.
I BUSTED MY TAIL FOR SIX WEEKS.
I CAN PICK UP A MAN AND THROW HIM AGAINST THE WALL! DO IT! BECAUSE I'M A POLICEWOMAN! RIGHT! THAT'S WHAT I DO! WOMAN! YEAH! YOU GOT THIS DOWN ON RUSS STREET, RIGHT? WHOA! NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME? GREAT.
GREAT! WANT TO PLAY POOL? SURE.
HERE'S THE KEYS IN CASE YOU WANT TO UNCUFF HIM.
WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN THAT GUY? I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK YOU KEPT YOUR EYES CLOSED ALL THE TIME.
WHAT IS IT WITH GUYS ON MOTORCYCLES? WELL, SPEAKING AS A YOUNG GIRL, YOU KNOW FOR CERTAIN THAT'S THE ONE THING THAT'S REALLY GONNA FREAK YOUR PARENTS OUT.
AND THAT IS A BIG PLUS.
BIG PLUS.
GOD, YOU KNOW, BUT I JUST USED TO LOVE RIDING ON THAT THING WITH DAN.
I MEAN, JUST THAT FEELING, YOU KNOW? IT WAS LIKE DANGER AND FREEDOM AND SEX AND IT WAS ALL ROLLED UP INTO ONE.
HE USED TO COME AND PICK ME UP ON HIS BIKE AND WE WOULD JUST BLAST OFF AND HIT THE HIGHWAY.
WE'D JUST BE FLYING.
GOD, IT WAS SO MUCH FUN.
YEAH.
I REALLY MISS THAT.
DANNY, BE STRAIGHT WITH ME, MAN.
I MEAN, HEY, COME ON, JUST BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER FOR 20 YEARS DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT STILL YOUR BEST FRIEND.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, MAN? WHAT HAPPENED TO ROSIE? WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT '55 PAN, MAN? HEY, MAN, I GOT 3 KIDS.
YEAH, SO? I GOT 2 KIDS AND 3 MOTORCYCLES.
I'M TRYING TO START A BUSINESS.
YEAH? I'M TRYING TO BUY A HOME.
YEAH? I CAVED.
MAN, I WAS HOPING YOU AND YOUR OLD LADY WOULD COME PACKING UP TO THE STURGIS RUN THIS SUMMER.
I CAN'T GO TO STURGIS.
COME ON, MAN! THIS IS THE YEAR TO GO, YOU KNOW? THE BLACK HILLS RUN.
THE QUEEN MAMA.
EVERYBODY AND THEIR DOG IS GONNA BE THERE.
COME ON.
WE'LL TRASH THE MARRIOTT.
MAN, YOU SAW THE BIKE.
THERE'S NO WAY.
DON'T BLAME IT ON THE BIKE, MAN.
HARLEYS NEVER DIE.
JUST THE OWNERS.
AW, COME ON.
I CAN'T.
FINE.
THEN SELL ME THE BIKE.
Roseanne: HEY, THAT BIKE IS THE LAST SPECK OF OUR YOUTH.
YOU CAN'T GO SELL THAT BIKE.
COME ON, ROSEANNE, WE DON'T USE IT ANYMORE.
PRECISELY MY POINT.
THAT'S WHY WE GOTTA KEEP IT.
YOU KNOW, WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU? I MEAN, WHAT'S THIS KICK YOU'RE ALL OF A SUDDEN ON? OH, YOU MEAN THIS WANTING TO LIVE THING? HA HA.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS GOING OUT WITH YOU, DAN-- AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, WE DID GO OUT ALL THE TIME-- MAKE A POINT, ROSEANNE.
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, I JUST USED TO LOVE THE SOUND OF THAT BIKE.
I COULD HEAR IT LIKE A BLOCK AWAY, YOU KNOW? AND I KNEW THAT YOU WERE GONNA BE COMING AND SHOWING UP ANY SECOND.
THAT BIKE WAS LIKE MY FAVORITE SOUND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.
THAT BIKE'S WHERE WE FELL IN LOVE.
OH, WE'RE STILL IN LOVE.
WE DON'T NEED NO BIKE TO BE IN LOVE.
YEAH, BUT, I MEAN, WHEN WE WERE RIDING ON THAT BIKE, DAN, WE WERE FREE.
BABY, THAT'S NOT US ANYMORE.
YEAH, NO KIDDING.
WE ARE AS DUSTY AND OLD AS THAT BIKE ITSELF.
COME ON, ROSEANNE.
IT'S TRUE, DAN.
NOBODY EVER COMES AND TAKES US OUT FOR A SPIN.
SPIN? WHEN DO WE HAVE TIME TO GO OUT FOR A SPIN? WELL, WE DON'T EVEN DO NOTHING ANYMORE.
I MEAN, WE DON'T TRAVEL.
WE DON'T DO NOTHING.
WE LOCK OURSELVES UP HERE IN THE LIVING ROOM IN FRONT OF THE TV, AND THEN WE GO TO WORK.
I MEAN, WE USED TO BE DAN AND ROSEANNE.
WE'RE STILL DAN AND ROSEANNE.
NO, WE'RE NOT.
WE'RE THE CONNERS, LIKE THE BELLS AND THE HACKETTS AND THE JONESES.
I LIKE BEING THE CONNERS.
DON'T SELL THE BIKE.
I LOVE THAT BIKE AS MUCH AS YOU DO.
BUT RIGHT NOW IT'S A PIECE OF JUNK AND IT'S TAKING UP A LOT OF SPACE, AND WE NEED THE MONEY.
AND WOULDN'T YOU RATHER BE DAN AND ROSEANNE IN THE BLACK? GEEZER! Roseanne: HE'S IN HERE, ZIG.
ZIGGY'S HERE TO PICK UP THE BIKE.
YEAH, I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR STOCK PARTS.
HEY, ZIG.
I FOUND THE FENDERS AND THE FAT BOB TANK.
I COULDN'T FIND THE CAP.
NO PROBLEM.
WELL, I WANNA MAKE SURE YOU GET EVERYTHING I GOT.
YEAH.
GREAT.
THIS OK WITH YOU, ROSIE? I MEAN, YOU KNOW I'LL TAKE REAL GOOD CARE OF HER, RIGHT? YEAH.
HEY, BABY REMEMBER THIS? YEAH.
OK, I, UH I MADE THIS OUT FOR HALF THE AMOUNT.
AND THEN I WROTE ONE OUT FOR THE OTHER HALF.
IT'LL BE GOOD IN 3 WEEKS.
OK? I CAN'T DO IT.
I CAN'T SELL YOU THE BIKE.
I THOUGHT I COULD.
I CAN'T SELL IT.
IT'S TOO MUCH OF MY PAST.
FORGET THE PAST, MAN! I'M NOT GONNA SELL YOU THE BIKE, THAT'S ALL.
FINE, OK? I'M NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD SELL ME THE BIKE.
THAT'S GREAT.
COOL.
DON'T SELL ME THE BIKE.
BUT DON'T DO IT 'CAUSE YOU'RE HANGING ON TO THE PAST, MAN.
DO IT 'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA GET BACK ON IT, OK? YOU'VE BEEN RIDING THAT SOFA TOO LONG.
I'M NOT A TEENAGER IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE! HEY, NEITHER AM I, MAN, OK?! I HAVEN'T BEEN IN STUDY HALL FOR20 YEARS.
MAN, I'M TALKING ABOUT SHUTTING DOWN INSIDE.
YOU DON'T GET DUST ON THE FENDERS UNTIL YOU SHUT OFF THE ENGINE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WOULD TAKE TO GET HER GOING AGAIN? A PHONE CALL TO MY OLD LADY SAYING I'LL BE ANOTHER FEW DAYS.
WHAT ABOUT WORK, MAN? I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO GET BACK TO WORK.
[IMITATES JOHN WAYNE.]
WELL, THAT WAS BEFORE I HAD A BIKE TO REBUILD.
HEY.
I APPRECIATE THIS.
HEY PRIORITIES, MAN.
COME ON, D.
J.
, COME ON.
YOU'D THINK THEY WERE UNVEILING THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.
THIS BETTER THAN THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.
YEAH.
IT MOVES.
ROSIE! MRS.
CONNER IS WEARING HER ORIGINAL LEATHER JACKET, ACCENTED ON THE YOKE BY LEATHER AND SILVER, PURCHASED WITH THE MONEY SHE STOLE FROM HER MOTHER'S PURSE.
NICE THREADS.
WHY, THANK YOU.
WELL, LET'S SEE IT! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MEMBERS OF THE PRESS, DISTINGUISHED SCIENTISTS, NASA MEMBERS, MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY, I'M PROUD TO PRESENT THE SEED OF PASSION ON WHICH THIS FAMILY WAS FOUNDED.
CHECK IT OUT.
OW! HOLY! OH, DAN.
CAN WE SIT ON IT? GET AWAY FROM THERE! HONEY, I WANT YOU TO SIT ON IT.
OH, YEAH! YES! WAHOO! OOH-LA-LA.
NICE JACKET-AH.
ALL RIGHT.
THE SHOCKS HELD.
HEY, ROSEANNE YOU WANT A RIDE HOME? OH, MY FOLKS DON'T ALLOW ME TO RIDE ON MOTORCYCLES.
I MEAN, HEY, MAN, DON'T LET YOUR ANCESTORS BUM YOUR TRIP.
I'M NOT SURE THAT I SHOULD.
WELL TAKE A CHANCE.
YOU'LL BE WITH ME.
UH, WHAT ARE YOU REBELLING AGAINST, DANNY? WHAT DO YOU GOT? CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL GET YOUR MOTOR RUNNIN' HEAD OUT ON THE HIGHWAY LOOKIN' FOR ADVENTURE AND WHATEVER COMES OUR WAY YOU'RE GONNA-- GONNA MAKE IT HAPPEN TAKE THE WORLD IN A LOVE EMBRACE FIRE ALL OF YOUR GUNS AT ONCE, AND EXPLODE INTO SPACE LIKE A TRUE NATURE'S CHILD WE WERE BORN, BORN TO BE WILD WE COULD CLIMB SO HIGH NEVER WANNA DIE BORN TO BE WILD BORN TO BE WILD