Roseanne s02e21 Episode Script
Fender Bender
WHERE IS ROXANNE? I DON'T WANT JACQUES TO GET OVERTIRED, AND I'VE GOT TO GET TO MY BRIDGE GAME BY 3:00.
DEBBI, CINDY LOU'S GOT A NEW LINE OF NAIL COLORS.
OOH, THIS IS REALLY PRETTY.
UH-HUH.
YOU KNOW, I TALKED TO MARSHA ABOUT MAYBE USING SOME CINDY LOU PRODUCTS IN THE SALON.
WHERE'S SHE AT? THE DENTIST.
OOH.
ZZZZ! ZZZZ! OOH! OOH! IRIS, DON'T EVEN KID.
ZZZZ! OOH! COME HERE, YOU LITTLE SQUIRREL ON A ROPE.
OH, THERE YOU ARE, MY LITTLE PUMPKIN.
YES, AND I HAVE YOUR LITTLE DOG WITH ME.
DID HE MAKE? I DON'T KNOW, ALTHOUGH THERE WAS ONE POINT WHERE IT WAS HARDER TO DRAG HIM.
THERE YOU GO, MRS.
WELLMAN.
YOU'RE ALL DONE.
YOU LOOK JUST LIKE SANDRA DEE IN GIDGET GOES HAWAIIAN.
OH-HO.
WONDERFUL.
NOW IF I HURRY, I CAN JUST MAKE MY GAME.
OH.
IRIS, WOULD YOU PLEASE? OH, ROXANNE, WOULD YOU BE A DEAR AND HOLD ON TO JACQUES? HE LIKES TO JUMP FROM HIGH PLACES.
HMM.
MAYBE I'LL TAKE YOU WALKING OVER THE BRIDGE NEXT TIME.
OH, ROXANNE, WOULD YOU BE A DEAR AND YEAH.
IT'LL BE $15.
AND GIVE ME 2 FOR IRIS.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TIP ME, MRS.
WELLMAN.
AFTER ALL, I ONLY SHAMPOOED YOUR HAIR, BROUGHT YOU COFFEE, PUT QUARTERS IN YOUR METER, AND WALKED YOUR LITTLE DOG.
AND DON'T THINK I DON'T APPRECIATE IT.
NOW COULD YOU JUST GET MY COAT AND CARRY JACQUES OUT TO MY CAR? I'M PARKED RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER IN FRONT OF THAT KOREAN MARKET.
I HOPE THEY HAVEN'T WATERED MY CAR.
I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL DEBBI'S LOVELY WORK.
I'M GOING TO GO AHEAD AND GO ON TO THE BANK.
HERE.
ALLOW ME.
OH, THANK YOU, ROXANNE.
COME ON, JACQUES, YOU LITTLE MUTT.
[GRRR.]
I THINK THAT'S DISGUSTING.
YOU MEAN MEG? YEAH, I MEAN MEG.
THAT WOMEN WALKED ALL OVER ROSEANNE FOR 11 YEARS AND SHE'S STILL DOING IT.
SHE'S RICH.
SHE DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[CRASH.]
OHH! OOH, SOUNDS LIKE THAT I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.
OH, MEG! WHAT HAPPENED? OH, CRYSTAL, I CAN'T TALK NOW.
OHH! OH, THIS IS TERRIBLE.
LIZ? LIZ! IT'S MEG.
I'VE HAD AN ACCIDENT, AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO MISS THE GAME.
I'VE GOT TO TAKE JACQUES STRAIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL.
HE SEEMSSHAKEN.
WHAT? OH, I REAR-ENDED THAT SHAMPOO GIRL.
RO-ROSEANNE! OH NOW EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE JUST FINE.
YOUR MOM WASN'T HURT, AND NEITHER WAS MRS.
WELLMAN.
THAT'S WHAT YOUR DAD TOLD ME, AND I KNOW THAT YOUR FATHER WOULDN'T LIE TO ME.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T BELIEVE IN SPARING PEOPLE THE TRUTH, ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN SHE'S MY SISTER, BUT I JUST--I DON'T THINK THAT YOUR FATHER WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW? BECKY.
WHAT? I DON'T THINK THAT YOUR FATHER WOULD KEEP ANYTHING FROM ME.
DO YOU? AUNT JACKIE, JUST RELAX, OK? YEAH.
MOM'S NOT DEAD.
NO, SHE'S NOT DEAD.
OF COURSE NOT.
NO.
EVERYTHING'S FINE, HUH? EVERYTHING'S FINE, JUST LIKE WHAT WE SAID.
EVERYTHING'S JUST FINE.
[DOOR OPENS.]
THEY'RE HOME! OH, MY GOD, ROSEANNE.
SHE'S A LITTLE SPACEY.
[ROSEANNE CHUCKLES.]
MOM, THAT NECK THING'S NEAT.
CAN I HAVE IT? HEE HEE HEE HEE! HOW IS MEG AGAIN? MEG'S FINE.
MMM.
OAHH-BOOM! OH, GOD, SHE'S BLASTED.
THEY GAVE HER MUSCLE RELAXERS.
SHE'LL SLEEP IT OFF.
I'M GONNA TURN DOWN THE BED.
LOOK AT THIS! LOOK IT! HEE HEE HEE HEE! OOH! OOH! OH, THIS ROOM'S NICE.
IT NEEDS TO BE CLEANED UP.
MMM! YUM, YUM, YUM.
YUM, YUM, YUM, YUM.
YUM HAPPY! OH, NO, NO, ROSEANNE.
NO, WE DON'T DO THAT.
NO, NO.
SHE'S REALLY OUT OF IT.
MOM, YOU DIDN'T FLY THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD OR ANYTHING, DID YOU? NO, BUT I'D LIKE TO TRY THAT SOMETIME.
SHE HAD HER SEAT BELT ON.
OH, I'LL GET IT.
Jackie: OH, WELL-- HELLO.
NOW, THEY SAID THEY'D CALL BACK.
THE STATION WAGON MAY BE TOTALED.
YES! YEAH! I HOPE YOU KNOW A GOOD ATTORNEY.
I KNOW AN ATTORNEY.
GOOD.
AND I WANT TO SEE A COPY OF THAT ACCIDENT REPORT.
COME ON, HONEY.
NO! OOH, OOH.
GET CHICHI.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
WELL, I HOPE THAT WE HAVE ALL LEARNED A VERY, VERY IMPORTANT LESSON HERE TODAY.
WHAT? THAT IS EXACTLY THE REASON WHY WE ALWAYS WEAR OUR All: SEAT BELTS.
YOU KNOW, COPS GOT A SAYING-- YOU NEVER PULL A DEAD MAN OUT OF A SEAT BELT.
WHAT, DO YOU JUST LEAVE THEM THERE? SOME COPS DO.
I DON'T.
NOW, MOM, I DON'T WANT YOU TO MOVE OR ANYTHING, OK? JUST TELL ME HOW TO WORK YOUR SEWING MACHINE.
WHAT ARE YOU SEWING? JUST A HEM.
OH, OK.
YOU KNOW THE POWER SWITCH? YEAH.
TURN IT OFF, PUT IT BACK IN THE CASE, THEN BRING YOUR MOTHER A NEEDLE AND A THREAD, AND SHE'LL DO IT.
GREAT.
MOM, DO YOU WANT ANYTHING FROM THE DRUGSTORE? YEAH.
BRING ME BACK A WOMAN'S WORLD AND A BIG BACK OF CHEETOS.
D.
J.
: BRING ME SOMETHING.
I'M GOING TO NEED MONEY.
WELL, GO FIND MY PURSE.
OH, LOOK.
HERE IT IS.
UH, THIS FIVE'S GOOD.
YEAH.
I WANT YOU TO BRING ME BACK CHANGE.
BYE.
KEEPING YOUR MOMMY COMPANY? WE'RE READING.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A WALK WITH DARLENE DOWN TO THE DRUGSTORE? I'M BROKE.
DARLENE'S GOT BREAD.
I JUST GAVE HER 5 BUCKS.
OOH, BOY! GOT YOU SOME LUNCH.
OH, I DON'T FEEL LIKE EATING RIGHT NOW, HONEY.
WHERE DID YOU GET THEM FLOWERS? OH, THE GIRLS AT THE BEAUTY SHOP HAD 'EM SENT BY.
OH, THAT WAS NICE.
YEAH.
HOW YOU FEELING? HOW DO I LOOK? HOW YOU FEELING? I FINALLY GET SOME TIME OFF FROM WORK, AND I CAN'T DO A DAMN THING.
THE KIDS ARE IN THERE EATING CANNED SPAGHETTI.
HEY, THEY LIKE CANNED SPAGHETTI.
WELL, NOT FOR BREAKFAST.
AH, DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU JUST WORRY ABOUT GETTING YOURSELF BETTER.
I CAN'T.
I GOT TOO MUCH OTHER STUFF TO WORRY ABOUT, LIKE BILLS AND THE MORTGAGE AND ALL THAT KIND OF STUFF.
AND WHAT IF I MISS ANOTHER WEEK OF WORK OR ANOTHER MONTH? YOU KNOW, I COULD LOSE MY JOB.
OK, TALLULAH, DRAMA HOUR'S OVER.
YOU KNOW WHAT BUGS ME THE WORST OF THIS WHOLE THING? THAT OLD COW MRS.
WELLMAN CAN'T EVEN CALL TO SEE IF I'M OK.
YEAH, WELL, WE'RE GONNA HIT BOSSY WHERE IT HURTS.
REMEMBER PETER LUNDY, THE ATTORNEY? HE'S AN ATTORNEY? OF COURSE, HE'S AN ATTORNEY.
HEH.
DOES HE HAVE ANY CLIENTS? YEP.
US.
US.
YEAH.
I GOT HIM ON A RETAINER.
OH, YOU'VE GOT HIM ON RETAINER? WELL, HE STIFFED ME ON A DRIVEWAY JOB LAST YEAR.
ANYWAY, HE'S COMING BY TOMORROW NIGHT.
FOR WHAT? WELL, I TOLD HIM YOU WERE HURT, AND HE SAID IF THE INJURY WAS SERIOUS ENOUGH, A LAWSUIT MAY BE WORTH TALKING ABOUT.
A LAWSUIT? YEAH.
YOU WANT TO GET MEG WELLMAN, DON'T YOU? WELL, YEAH, OF COURSE, BUT I MEAN I AIN'T HURT THAT BAD.
I'M JUST--YOU KNOW, I'M JUST A LITTLE STIFF.
OHH! GOD! HONEY.
HELP ME! HONEY, HONEY, HONEY.
OOH, IT HURTS.
IT HURTS.
IT HURTS.
OW, OW, OW, OW.
YOU ALL RIGHT? IT HURTS.
OHH.
THINK YOU COULD DO THAT IN COURT? HONEY, YOU REMEMBER PETER LUNDY? UH, YEAH.
HI, PETER.
HOW'S THE LAW BUSINESS TREATING YOU? OH, IT'S GOOD, ROSEANNE.
IT'S GOOD.
I'M, UH, I'M SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR LITTLE MISHAP.
SO TELL US HOW WE CAN OWN THE WELLMAN RANCH.
YOU COULD, UH--LET'S SEE, WE CAN MAKE AN OFFER, SEE IF SHE WANTS TO SELL IT.
HA! PROBABLY NOT WHAT YOU MEANT, HUH? MY HUSBAND IS INTERESTED IN A LAWSUIT, YOU KNOW, IF YOU THINK THAT'S THE THING WE SHOULD DO.
WELL, LIKE I SAID OVER THE PHONE, I'D BE HAPPY TO GIVE WHATEVER ADVICE I CAN, MAYBE EVEN WRITE A THREATENING LETTER, THOUGH THE LAST ONE OF THOSE I WROTE, I NEARLY GOT SUED.
WELL, THAT'S ENCOURAGING.
YOU KNOW, IF THIS THING GETS TO WHERE YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO FILE SUIT, I'D LIKE TO, UH I'D LIKE TO RECOMMEND ANOTHER ATTORNEY, ONE THAT SPECIALIZES IN PERSONAL INJURY ACTIONS.
YOU DON'T THINK YOU COULD HANDLE THIS? OH, TRUST ME, I'M NOT YOUR GUY, ESPECIALLY IF IT MEANS GOING TO COURT.
WHEW, NOT--NOT-- NOT--NOT GOOD IN COURT.
WELL, ARE YOU ANY GOOD AT REFERRALS? OH, BEST IN THE BUSINESS.
YEAH, IF I RECOMMEND ANOTHER LAWYER TO YOU, YOU'LL DO GREAT.
IF I HANDLE IT, NOPE.
WELL, WE APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY.
YEAH.
WELL, HOPEFULLY, THIS LADY'S COUNSEL WILL GET HER TO SETTLE OUT OF COURT, SAVE US A LOT OF TIME AND MONEY.
YEAH? YOU THINK WE CAN DO THAT? OH, PROBABLY NOT, BUT WE CAN GIVE IT A TRY.
UH, WOULD IT BE UNETHICAL FOR US TO REFER HIM TO REPRESENT MRS.
WELLMAN? YES.
LET ME JUST GO OVER A FEW THINGS WITH YOU, MRS.
CONNER, MAKE SURE I GOT EVERYTHING STRAIGHT.
I JUST NEED TO TAKE A FEW NOTES.
DO YOU, UH, HAVE A PEN? UH PEN? YEAH.
OH, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.
EUREKA.
FOUND IT.
[SNAP.]
FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE INVOLVED IN A PERSONAL INJURY TYPE SITUATION, YOU CAN'T KEEP TAKING THAT NECK BRACE OFF.
NO, YOU HAVE TO STAY IN BED, UH, SUSPEND NORMAL ACTIVITY, AND, YOU KNOW, DON'T DRIVE, 'CAUSE ONE GOOD JOLT, AND BOP! THERE GOES MR.
SPINE.
SO, YOUR HONOR, HOW MUCH ACTUAL CASH DO YOU THINK WE'LL SEE OUT OF THIS IF WE SUE MRS.
WELLMAN? WELL, UH, LET'S SEE.
THAT'S IF WE ACTUALLY SUE MRS.
WELLMAN AND WIN? YEAH, YEAH, ASSUMING WE WIN.
OH, WELL, THEN YOU COULD BE ENTITLED TO AS MUCH AS, SAY, OH, THREE TIMES THE MEDICAL BILLS AND THE LOST INCOME.
I'LL SEE YOU.
YEAH.
THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.
UH-HUH.
THREE TIMES? THIS IS GREAT.
SO IF THE DOCTOR BILL WAS $500, WE GET $1,500! IF IT'S $1,000, THAT'S $3,000! IF IT'S $5,000, THAT'S $15,000! OR IF IT'S $1 MILLION BILLION, WE GET $3 MILLION BILLION JILLION! DAD, WE HAVE TO BUY A NEW HOUSE.
WE GOT TO CLEAN THIS ONE FIRST.
THEY'RE BUILDING SOME REAL NICE ONES AROUND ELMRIDGE.
YEAH.
WE CAN GET A CLEANING LADY TO COME IN A COUPLE TIMES A WEEK.
WE'RE NOT BUYING A NEW HOUSE AND WE'RE NOT GETTING A MAID.
WELL, HOW ABOUT A VCR? MAYBE.
YES! YES! WE CAN RENT MOVIES! MRS.
WELLMAN SAID SHE WAS RUNNING LATE AND WAS IN A HURRY.
SO SHE COULD HAVE BEEN SPEEDING OR POSSIBLY DISTRACTED BECAUSE SHE WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING ELSE.
THANK YOU, MA'AM.
KNOW THAT THE DEPARTMENT APPRECIATES THE HELP.
SO NOW, JACKIE, EXCUSE ME FOR INTERFERING, BUT IS THIS REALLY POLICE BUSINESS OR IS THIS PERSONAL 'CAUSE IT'S YOUR SISTER? THIS IS POLICE BUSINESS, CRYSTAL, THAT HAPPENS TO AFFECT ME PERSONALLY.
SO ROSEANNE DECIDED TO SUE MEG? I AM NOT AT LIBERTY TO DISCUSS THAT.
OH, COME ON, JACKIE.
DON'T PLAY COP WITH ME.
YOU KNOW, CRYSTAL, IF I WANTED TO, I COULD GIVE YOU A SUMMONS.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IF I WANTED TO, I COULD GIVE YOU A MAKEOVER.
WHY? YOU THINK I NEED A MAKEOVER? WELL, I THINK YOU COULD USE SOME NEW COLORS.
YOU KNOW, I GOT A NEW BLUE THAT WOULD LOOK GREAT-- HI, MEG! OH, OH! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? YOU WEREN'T ROBBED, WERE YOU? YOU'RE MARGARET WELLMAN? YES.
YES, I AM.
YOU WERE INVOLVED IN AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT IN THE NUMBER TWO LANE OF PALMER AVENUE AT APPROXIMATELY IN WHICH YOU, AS THE DRIVER OF A 1987 ELDORADO CADILLAC, SLAMMED INTO THE REAR END OF A 1974 STATION WAGON OF ONE ROSEANNE HARRIS CONNER? YES.
YES, I DID.
SAY, DIDN'T YOU USED TO WORK FOR ME? YES, I DID, AND IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS, MA'AM.
YOU'RE ROXANNE'S SISTER, AREN'T YOU? JANET.
IT'S JACKIE.
OH, ACTUALLY, HE'S CALLED JACQUES, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE MISPRONOUNCE IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S REAL EASY TO PRONOUNCE, MRS.
WELLMAN? COP, COP.
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I AM.
I'M A COP.
AND I'M HERE INVESTIGATING AN ACCIDENT IN WHICH A PERSON WAS INJURED.
DOES THIS DOG HAVE A LICENSE? AND SAID PERSON IS STILL AT HOME IN BED, UNABLE TO SUPPORT HER FAMILY, BARELY ABLE TO TALK TO HER LAWYERS.
ROXANNE CALLED AN ATTORNEY? YOU BET SHE CALLED AN ATTORNEY, A GOOD ONE WITH OFFICES IN BIG CITIES! JACKIE, COME ON.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A BIG LAWSUIT HERE.
LAWSUIT? WELL, I GUESS I BETTER CALL MY ATTORNEY.
YOU BETTER CALL SOMEBODY, LADY.
YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS ONE.
I'VE CHECKED THE RECORDS.
YOU'VE HAD PRETTY BUSY BUMPERS! COME ON, JACKIE.
[ARF.]
COME ON.
WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW ROXANNE WAS STILL AT HOME.
SHE HASN'T BEEN IN FOR THE WHOLE WEEK.
WELL, MY ATTORNEY DIDN'T TELL ME SHE WAS SO SERIOUSLY INJURED.
WELL, DIDN'T YOU EVEN CALL HER UP AND SEE HOW SHE WAS? WELL, MY ATTORNEY ADVISED ME NOT TO.
HE SAID IT WOULD BE AN ADMISSION OF GUILT.
WELL, YOU ARE GUILTY, MEG.
YOU SMASHED HER CAR, AND YOU GOT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT! REMEMBER ONE THING, WELLMAN-- I'M YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.
MOM, THERE'S A CADILLAC IN OUR DRIVEWAY.
WHAT COLOR CADILLAC? UH EARWAX GOLD.
AND THE FRONT END IS SMASHED IN.
HOLY COW, IT'S MRS.
WELLMAN.
D.
J.
, GIVE ME THAT NECK BRACE, QUICK.
I KNEW SHE'D SHOW UP SOONER OR LATER.
NO, MOM.
YOU'RE A VEGETABLE.
OW, OW, OW! HERE.
PUT THIS ON.
NOW SHE'S COMING TO SEE ME.
I'M SURE SHE FEELS BAD ENOUGH.
YOU ALWAYS SAY HOW YOU WANT BETTER THINGS FOR US.
YEAH, BUT I WAS TALKING ABOUT ME AND YOUR DAD.
YOU KIDS ALREADY GOT IT TOO GOOD.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
MOM, MAKE YOUR ARM LIMP! MAKE YOUR ARM LIMP! YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD? TALK WITH WATER IN YOUR MOUTH.
[URGENT RINGING.]
DO I HAVE TO GET UP? JUST SIT! D.
J.
, GET THE DOOR! SICK, SICK! REMEMBER, MOM, YOU'RE BROCCOLI.
HELLO.
OH, HELLO, LITTLE MAN.
IS YOUR MOMMY HOME? HI, MEG.
OH.
THE DOCTOR SAYS SHE REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE VISITORS.
YEAH, ESPECIALLY YOUNG ONES.
YOU GUYS GO PLAY.
WELL, I GUESS JACQUES DOESN'T GET TO PLAY MUCH NINEBALL.
ROXANNE, YOU DO MAKE ME LAUGH.
HAVE A SEAT.
OH, WELL, THANK YOU, ROXANNE.
I BROUGHT YOU SOME TREATS.
OH, THAT WAS VERY NICE.
OH, BY THE WAY, I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T GET RACKED UP OR NOTHING.
OH, I'M FINE.
WELL, IT WAS VERY NICE OF YOU TO STOP BY.
DON'T BE SILLY.
WE WERE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
WHAT, WERE YOU GETTING AN ESTIMATE ON BODY DAMAGE OR SOMETHING? ACTUALLY, YES.
ROXANNE, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SO SERIOUSLY INJURED UNTIL I SPOKE TO JANET AT THE SALON.
JANET? YOUR SISTER.
OH.
WELL, NO OFFENSE, MEG, BUT, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WOULD'VE CALLED ME, I COULD'VE TOLD YOU THAT I WAS SERIOUSLY HURT.
WELL, I WOULD HAVE CALLED, ROXANNE, BUT MY ATTORNEY ADVISED ME NOT TO.
WELL, HOW VERY LEGAL OF YOU.
ROXANNE, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT EVEN THOUGH YOU NO LONGER WORK FOR THE COMPANY, WE STILL THINK OF YOU AS PART OF THE WELLMAN FAMILY.
I DON'T SUPPOSE MY HEALTH INSURANCE IS STILL GOOD? YOU JUST DROPPED BY 'CAUSE YOU WERE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD? WELL, YES.
AND 'CAUSE YOU WANTED TO SEE HOW I WAS DOING AND BRING ME A GIFT? OH, IT'S NOTHING.
YES, IT IS.
VERY NICE OF YOU TO COME BY.
WELL, ACTUALLY, THERE WAS JUST ONE OTHER TEENSY, LITTLE THING, JUST WHILE I'M HERE.
UH, YOU NEED A SHAMPOO? OH, NOTHING THAT COMPLICATED.
NO, I WANTED YOU TO ENDORSE THIS CHECK.
A CHECK? FOR WHAT? FOR YOU, ROXANNE, AND--AND FOR YOUR LITTLE FAMILY.
UH, HONEY! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
IF YOU'D JUST SIGN THAT, JACQUES AND I WILL RUN IT RIGHT OVER TO YOUR BANK, AND YOU'LL HAVE YOUR MONEY.
MEG, YOU KNOW MY HUSBAND DON.
Trust me.
OH, OF COURSE.
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, DAN.
A PLEASURE, MRS.
WELLMAN.
CAN I FIX YOU A DRINK? OH, NO.
I'LL ONLY STAY A MOMENT.
AND YOU MUST CALL ME MEG.
RIGHT NOW? MEG? MEG, WHY ARE YOU GIVING US ALL THIS MONEY? WHY? WELL, BECAUSE IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO AND I'M A NICE PERSON.
BUT WHAT IS THIS LITTLE, TINY WRITING HERE? "ENDORSEMENT CONSTITUTES ACCEPTANCE OF PAYMENT FOR TOTAL LIABILITY.
" THAT'S JUST A BUNCH OF LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO.
WE WOULDN'T WANT TO GET LEGAL NOW, WOULD WE? OH, OF COURSE NOT.
NO, OF COURSE NOT, 'CAUSE OUR LAWYER TELLS US WE CAN GET THREE OR FOUR TIMES THAT AMOUNT.
PEOPLE GET SO SILLY ABOUT MONEY.
HERE.
THANKS FOR DROPPING BY, MEG, AND MAKING ME FEEL STUPID.
ROSEANNE, SHE'S OUR GUEST.
NOW, WHY WOULD YOU FEEL STUPID? BECAUSE FOR SOME DUMB REASON, I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT YOU DROPPED BY TO SEE HOW I WAS DOING, BUT YOU ONLY CAME BY TO BUY ME OFF.
BUY YOU OFF? YEAH, BUT YOU BOUGHT YOURSELF A HUGE LAWSUIT, LADY.
'CAUSE I'M GONNA HAUL YOU INTO COURT AND I'M GONNA SQUEEZE YOU DRY.
WELL, I HOPE YOU HAVE A VERY GOOD ATTORNEY.
LET ME REPHRASE THAT, MEG.
I THINK WHAT I REALLY MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT IF, YOU KNOW, IF I WOULD HAVE BUMPED INTO YOU, I MEAN, I WOULD HAVE CALLED A LAWYER, TOO, YOU KNOW, BUT FIRST I WOULD HAVE MAYBE CALLED YOU TO SEE IF YOU WERE OK AND TO SAY I'M SORRY.
BUT I AM SORRY, ROXANNE.
THERE YOU GO.
WELL, THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR.
THAT'S ALL YOU WANT? THAT AND YOUR WORD THAT I NEVER HAVE TO WALK YOUR DOG AGAIN.
AND THAT'S IT? AND THE CHECK.
OF COURSE.
OH, DON, COULD YOU WALK ME TO MY CAR? OF COURSE.
NEIGHBORHOOD.
OH, ROXANNE, I AM SO GLAD WE GOT THIS STRAIGHTENED OUT JUST BETWEEN US, AND WE ARE FRIENDS AGAIN, AREN'T WE? OH, I'D SAY WE'RE ABOUT AS CLOSE AS WE EVER WERE, MEG.
MY LAWYER GOT ME $25,000.
HE GOT ME $25,000.
HE GOT ME $60,000.
HE TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING FOR ME-- GOT ME A $20,000 SETTLEMENT.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
I BROKE MY LEG, AND LARRY PARKER GOT ME $80,000.
AFTER THE ACCIDENT, MY CAR GOT FIXED, MY MEDICAL WAS PAID, AND I GOT A GOOD SETTLEMENT.
I WAS IN A CROSSWALK.
I GOT HIT BY A CAR.
I GOT MY KNEE AND MY BACK MESSED UP.
I WENT THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR.
I SHATTERED MY WRIST.
SO I WENT TO LARRY H.
PARKER, AND THEY GOT ME SOME BIG MONEY.
[CRASH.]
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
DEBBI, CINDY LOU'S GOT A NEW LINE OF NAIL COLORS.
OOH, THIS IS REALLY PRETTY.
UH-HUH.
YOU KNOW, I TALKED TO MARSHA ABOUT MAYBE USING SOME CINDY LOU PRODUCTS IN THE SALON.
WHERE'S SHE AT? THE DENTIST.
OOH.
ZZZZ! ZZZZ! OOH! OOH! IRIS, DON'T EVEN KID.
ZZZZ! OOH! COME HERE, YOU LITTLE SQUIRREL ON A ROPE.
OH, THERE YOU ARE, MY LITTLE PUMPKIN.
YES, AND I HAVE YOUR LITTLE DOG WITH ME.
DID HE MAKE? I DON'T KNOW, ALTHOUGH THERE WAS ONE POINT WHERE IT WAS HARDER TO DRAG HIM.
THERE YOU GO, MRS.
WELLMAN.
YOU'RE ALL DONE.
YOU LOOK JUST LIKE SANDRA DEE IN GIDGET GOES HAWAIIAN.
OH-HO.
WONDERFUL.
NOW IF I HURRY, I CAN JUST MAKE MY GAME.
OH.
IRIS, WOULD YOU PLEASE? OH, ROXANNE, WOULD YOU BE A DEAR AND HOLD ON TO JACQUES? HE LIKES TO JUMP FROM HIGH PLACES.
HMM.
MAYBE I'LL TAKE YOU WALKING OVER THE BRIDGE NEXT TIME.
OH, ROXANNE, WOULD YOU BE A DEAR AND YEAH.
IT'LL BE $15.
AND GIVE ME 2 FOR IRIS.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TIP ME, MRS.
WELLMAN.
AFTER ALL, I ONLY SHAMPOOED YOUR HAIR, BROUGHT YOU COFFEE, PUT QUARTERS IN YOUR METER, AND WALKED YOUR LITTLE DOG.
AND DON'T THINK I DON'T APPRECIATE IT.
NOW COULD YOU JUST GET MY COAT AND CARRY JACQUES OUT TO MY CAR? I'M PARKED RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER IN FRONT OF THAT KOREAN MARKET.
I HOPE THEY HAVEN'T WATERED MY CAR.
I DON'T WANT TO SPOIL DEBBI'S LOVELY WORK.
I'M GOING TO GO AHEAD AND GO ON TO THE BANK.
HERE.
ALLOW ME.
OH, THANK YOU, ROXANNE.
COME ON, JACQUES, YOU LITTLE MUTT.
[GRRR.]
I THINK THAT'S DISGUSTING.
YOU MEAN MEG? YEAH, I MEAN MEG.
THAT WOMEN WALKED ALL OVER ROSEANNE FOR 11 YEARS AND SHE'S STILL DOING IT.
SHE'S RICH.
SHE DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[CRASH.]
OHH! OOH, SOUNDS LIKE THAT I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.
OH, MEG! WHAT HAPPENED? OH, CRYSTAL, I CAN'T TALK NOW.
OHH! OH, THIS IS TERRIBLE.
LIZ? LIZ! IT'S MEG.
I'VE HAD AN ACCIDENT, AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO MISS THE GAME.
I'VE GOT TO TAKE JACQUES STRAIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL.
HE SEEMSSHAKEN.
WHAT? OH, I REAR-ENDED THAT SHAMPOO GIRL.
RO-ROSEANNE! OH NOW EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE JUST FINE.
YOUR MOM WASN'T HURT, AND NEITHER WAS MRS.
WELLMAN.
THAT'S WHAT YOUR DAD TOLD ME, AND I KNOW THAT YOUR FATHER WOULDN'T LIE TO ME.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T BELIEVE IN SPARING PEOPLE THE TRUTH, ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN SHE'S MY SISTER, BUT I JUST--I DON'T THINK THAT YOUR FATHER WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW? BECKY.
WHAT? I DON'T THINK THAT YOUR FATHER WOULD KEEP ANYTHING FROM ME.
DO YOU? AUNT JACKIE, JUST RELAX, OK? YEAH.
MOM'S NOT DEAD.
NO, SHE'S NOT DEAD.
OF COURSE NOT.
NO.
EVERYTHING'S FINE, HUH? EVERYTHING'S FINE, JUST LIKE WHAT WE SAID.
EVERYTHING'S JUST FINE.
[DOOR OPENS.]
THEY'RE HOME! OH, MY GOD, ROSEANNE.
SHE'S A LITTLE SPACEY.
[ROSEANNE CHUCKLES.]
MOM, THAT NECK THING'S NEAT.
CAN I HAVE IT? HEE HEE HEE HEE! HOW IS MEG AGAIN? MEG'S FINE.
MMM.
OAHH-BOOM! OH, GOD, SHE'S BLASTED.
THEY GAVE HER MUSCLE RELAXERS.
SHE'LL SLEEP IT OFF.
I'M GONNA TURN DOWN THE BED.
LOOK AT THIS! LOOK IT! HEE HEE HEE HEE! OOH! OOH! OH, THIS ROOM'S NICE.
IT NEEDS TO BE CLEANED UP.
MMM! YUM, YUM, YUM.
YUM, YUM, YUM, YUM.
YUM HAPPY! OH, NO, NO, ROSEANNE.
NO, WE DON'T DO THAT.
NO, NO.
SHE'S REALLY OUT OF IT.
MOM, YOU DIDN'T FLY THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD OR ANYTHING, DID YOU? NO, BUT I'D LIKE TO TRY THAT SOMETIME.
SHE HAD HER SEAT BELT ON.
OH, I'LL GET IT.
Jackie: OH, WELL-- HELLO.
NOW, THEY SAID THEY'D CALL BACK.
THE STATION WAGON MAY BE TOTALED.
YES! YEAH! I HOPE YOU KNOW A GOOD ATTORNEY.
I KNOW AN ATTORNEY.
GOOD.
AND I WANT TO SEE A COPY OF THAT ACCIDENT REPORT.
COME ON, HONEY.
NO! OOH, OOH.
GET CHICHI.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
WELL, I HOPE THAT WE HAVE ALL LEARNED A VERY, VERY IMPORTANT LESSON HERE TODAY.
WHAT? THAT IS EXACTLY THE REASON WHY WE ALWAYS WEAR OUR All: SEAT BELTS.
YOU KNOW, COPS GOT A SAYING-- YOU NEVER PULL A DEAD MAN OUT OF A SEAT BELT.
WHAT, DO YOU JUST LEAVE THEM THERE? SOME COPS DO.
I DON'T.
NOW, MOM, I DON'T WANT YOU TO MOVE OR ANYTHING, OK? JUST TELL ME HOW TO WORK YOUR SEWING MACHINE.
WHAT ARE YOU SEWING? JUST A HEM.
OH, OK.
YOU KNOW THE POWER SWITCH? YEAH.
TURN IT OFF, PUT IT BACK IN THE CASE, THEN BRING YOUR MOTHER A NEEDLE AND A THREAD, AND SHE'LL DO IT.
GREAT.
MOM, DO YOU WANT ANYTHING FROM THE DRUGSTORE? YEAH.
BRING ME BACK A WOMAN'S WORLD AND A BIG BACK OF CHEETOS.
D.
J.
: BRING ME SOMETHING.
I'M GOING TO NEED MONEY.
WELL, GO FIND MY PURSE.
OH, LOOK.
HERE IT IS.
UH, THIS FIVE'S GOOD.
YEAH.
I WANT YOU TO BRING ME BACK CHANGE.
BYE.
KEEPING YOUR MOMMY COMPANY? WE'RE READING.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A WALK WITH DARLENE DOWN TO THE DRUGSTORE? I'M BROKE.
DARLENE'S GOT BREAD.
I JUST GAVE HER 5 BUCKS.
OOH, BOY! GOT YOU SOME LUNCH.
OH, I DON'T FEEL LIKE EATING RIGHT NOW, HONEY.
WHERE DID YOU GET THEM FLOWERS? OH, THE GIRLS AT THE BEAUTY SHOP HAD 'EM SENT BY.
OH, THAT WAS NICE.
YEAH.
HOW YOU FEELING? HOW DO I LOOK? HOW YOU FEELING? I FINALLY GET SOME TIME OFF FROM WORK, AND I CAN'T DO A DAMN THING.
THE KIDS ARE IN THERE EATING CANNED SPAGHETTI.
HEY, THEY LIKE CANNED SPAGHETTI.
WELL, NOT FOR BREAKFAST.
AH, DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU JUST WORRY ABOUT GETTING YOURSELF BETTER.
I CAN'T.
I GOT TOO MUCH OTHER STUFF TO WORRY ABOUT, LIKE BILLS AND THE MORTGAGE AND ALL THAT KIND OF STUFF.
AND WHAT IF I MISS ANOTHER WEEK OF WORK OR ANOTHER MONTH? YOU KNOW, I COULD LOSE MY JOB.
OK, TALLULAH, DRAMA HOUR'S OVER.
YOU KNOW WHAT BUGS ME THE WORST OF THIS WHOLE THING? THAT OLD COW MRS.
WELLMAN CAN'T EVEN CALL TO SEE IF I'M OK.
YEAH, WELL, WE'RE GONNA HIT BOSSY WHERE IT HURTS.
REMEMBER PETER LUNDY, THE ATTORNEY? HE'S AN ATTORNEY? OF COURSE, HE'S AN ATTORNEY.
HEH.
DOES HE HAVE ANY CLIENTS? YEP.
US.
US.
YEAH.
I GOT HIM ON A RETAINER.
OH, YOU'VE GOT HIM ON RETAINER? WELL, HE STIFFED ME ON A DRIVEWAY JOB LAST YEAR.
ANYWAY, HE'S COMING BY TOMORROW NIGHT.
FOR WHAT? WELL, I TOLD HIM YOU WERE HURT, AND HE SAID IF THE INJURY WAS SERIOUS ENOUGH, A LAWSUIT MAY BE WORTH TALKING ABOUT.
A LAWSUIT? YEAH.
YOU WANT TO GET MEG WELLMAN, DON'T YOU? WELL, YEAH, OF COURSE, BUT I MEAN I AIN'T HURT THAT BAD.
I'M JUST--YOU KNOW, I'M JUST A LITTLE STIFF.
OHH! GOD! HONEY.
HELP ME! HONEY, HONEY, HONEY.
OOH, IT HURTS.
IT HURTS.
IT HURTS.
OW, OW, OW, OW.
YOU ALL RIGHT? IT HURTS.
OHH.
THINK YOU COULD DO THAT IN COURT? HONEY, YOU REMEMBER PETER LUNDY? UH, YEAH.
HI, PETER.
HOW'S THE LAW BUSINESS TREATING YOU? OH, IT'S GOOD, ROSEANNE.
IT'S GOOD.
I'M, UH, I'M SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR LITTLE MISHAP.
SO TELL US HOW WE CAN OWN THE WELLMAN RANCH.
YOU COULD, UH--LET'S SEE, WE CAN MAKE AN OFFER, SEE IF SHE WANTS TO SELL IT.
HA! PROBABLY NOT WHAT YOU MEANT, HUH? MY HUSBAND IS INTERESTED IN A LAWSUIT, YOU KNOW, IF YOU THINK THAT'S THE THING WE SHOULD DO.
WELL, LIKE I SAID OVER THE PHONE, I'D BE HAPPY TO GIVE WHATEVER ADVICE I CAN, MAYBE EVEN WRITE A THREATENING LETTER, THOUGH THE LAST ONE OF THOSE I WROTE, I NEARLY GOT SUED.
WELL, THAT'S ENCOURAGING.
YOU KNOW, IF THIS THING GETS TO WHERE YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO FILE SUIT, I'D LIKE TO, UH I'D LIKE TO RECOMMEND ANOTHER ATTORNEY, ONE THAT SPECIALIZES IN PERSONAL INJURY ACTIONS.
YOU DON'T THINK YOU COULD HANDLE THIS? OH, TRUST ME, I'M NOT YOUR GUY, ESPECIALLY IF IT MEANS GOING TO COURT.
WHEW, NOT--NOT-- NOT--NOT GOOD IN COURT.
WELL, ARE YOU ANY GOOD AT REFERRALS? OH, BEST IN THE BUSINESS.
YEAH, IF I RECOMMEND ANOTHER LAWYER TO YOU, YOU'LL DO GREAT.
IF I HANDLE IT, NOPE.
WELL, WE APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY.
YEAH.
WELL, HOPEFULLY, THIS LADY'S COUNSEL WILL GET HER TO SETTLE OUT OF COURT, SAVE US A LOT OF TIME AND MONEY.
YEAH? YOU THINK WE CAN DO THAT? OH, PROBABLY NOT, BUT WE CAN GIVE IT A TRY.
UH, WOULD IT BE UNETHICAL FOR US TO REFER HIM TO REPRESENT MRS.
WELLMAN? YES.
LET ME JUST GO OVER A FEW THINGS WITH YOU, MRS.
CONNER, MAKE SURE I GOT EVERYTHING STRAIGHT.
I JUST NEED TO TAKE A FEW NOTES.
DO YOU, UH, HAVE A PEN? UH PEN? YEAH.
OH, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.
EUREKA.
FOUND IT.
[SNAP.]
FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE INVOLVED IN A PERSONAL INJURY TYPE SITUATION, YOU CAN'T KEEP TAKING THAT NECK BRACE OFF.
NO, YOU HAVE TO STAY IN BED, UH, SUSPEND NORMAL ACTIVITY, AND, YOU KNOW, DON'T DRIVE, 'CAUSE ONE GOOD JOLT, AND BOP! THERE GOES MR.
SPINE.
SO, YOUR HONOR, HOW MUCH ACTUAL CASH DO YOU THINK WE'LL SEE OUT OF THIS IF WE SUE MRS.
WELLMAN? WELL, UH, LET'S SEE.
THAT'S IF WE ACTUALLY SUE MRS.
WELLMAN AND WIN? YEAH, YEAH, ASSUMING WE WIN.
OH, WELL, THEN YOU COULD BE ENTITLED TO AS MUCH AS, SAY, OH, THREE TIMES THE MEDICAL BILLS AND THE LOST INCOME.
I'LL SEE YOU.
YEAH.
THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.
UH-HUH.
THREE TIMES? THIS IS GREAT.
SO IF THE DOCTOR BILL WAS $500, WE GET $1,500! IF IT'S $1,000, THAT'S $3,000! IF IT'S $5,000, THAT'S $15,000! OR IF IT'S $1 MILLION BILLION, WE GET $3 MILLION BILLION JILLION! DAD, WE HAVE TO BUY A NEW HOUSE.
WE GOT TO CLEAN THIS ONE FIRST.
THEY'RE BUILDING SOME REAL NICE ONES AROUND ELMRIDGE.
YEAH.
WE CAN GET A CLEANING LADY TO COME IN A COUPLE TIMES A WEEK.
WE'RE NOT BUYING A NEW HOUSE AND WE'RE NOT GETTING A MAID.
WELL, HOW ABOUT A VCR? MAYBE.
YES! YES! WE CAN RENT MOVIES! MRS.
WELLMAN SAID SHE WAS RUNNING LATE AND WAS IN A HURRY.
SO SHE COULD HAVE BEEN SPEEDING OR POSSIBLY DISTRACTED BECAUSE SHE WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING ELSE.
THANK YOU, MA'AM.
KNOW THAT THE DEPARTMENT APPRECIATES THE HELP.
SO NOW, JACKIE, EXCUSE ME FOR INTERFERING, BUT IS THIS REALLY POLICE BUSINESS OR IS THIS PERSONAL 'CAUSE IT'S YOUR SISTER? THIS IS POLICE BUSINESS, CRYSTAL, THAT HAPPENS TO AFFECT ME PERSONALLY.
SO ROSEANNE DECIDED TO SUE MEG? I AM NOT AT LIBERTY TO DISCUSS THAT.
OH, COME ON, JACKIE.
DON'T PLAY COP WITH ME.
YOU KNOW, CRYSTAL, IF I WANTED TO, I COULD GIVE YOU A SUMMONS.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IF I WANTED TO, I COULD GIVE YOU A MAKEOVER.
WHY? YOU THINK I NEED A MAKEOVER? WELL, I THINK YOU COULD USE SOME NEW COLORS.
YOU KNOW, I GOT A NEW BLUE THAT WOULD LOOK GREAT-- HI, MEG! OH, OH! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? YOU WEREN'T ROBBED, WERE YOU? YOU'RE MARGARET WELLMAN? YES.
YES, I AM.
YOU WERE INVOLVED IN AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT IN THE NUMBER TWO LANE OF PALMER AVENUE AT APPROXIMATELY IN WHICH YOU, AS THE DRIVER OF A 1987 ELDORADO CADILLAC, SLAMMED INTO THE REAR END OF A 1974 STATION WAGON OF ONE ROSEANNE HARRIS CONNER? YES.
YES, I DID.
SAY, DIDN'T YOU USED TO WORK FOR ME? YES, I DID, AND IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS, MA'AM.
YOU'RE ROXANNE'S SISTER, AREN'T YOU? JANET.
IT'S JACKIE.
OH, ACTUALLY, HE'S CALLED JACQUES, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE MISPRONOUNCE IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S REAL EASY TO PRONOUNCE, MRS.
WELLMAN? COP, COP.
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I AM.
I'M A COP.
AND I'M HERE INVESTIGATING AN ACCIDENT IN WHICH A PERSON WAS INJURED.
DOES THIS DOG HAVE A LICENSE? AND SAID PERSON IS STILL AT HOME IN BED, UNABLE TO SUPPORT HER FAMILY, BARELY ABLE TO TALK TO HER LAWYERS.
ROXANNE CALLED AN ATTORNEY? YOU BET SHE CALLED AN ATTORNEY, A GOOD ONE WITH OFFICES IN BIG CITIES! JACKIE, COME ON.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A BIG LAWSUIT HERE.
LAWSUIT? WELL, I GUESS I BETTER CALL MY ATTORNEY.
YOU BETTER CALL SOMEBODY, LADY.
YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS ONE.
I'VE CHECKED THE RECORDS.
YOU'VE HAD PRETTY BUSY BUMPERS! COME ON, JACKIE.
[ARF.]
COME ON.
WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW ROXANNE WAS STILL AT HOME.
SHE HASN'T BEEN IN FOR THE WHOLE WEEK.
WELL, MY ATTORNEY DIDN'T TELL ME SHE WAS SO SERIOUSLY INJURED.
WELL, DIDN'T YOU EVEN CALL HER UP AND SEE HOW SHE WAS? WELL, MY ATTORNEY ADVISED ME NOT TO.
HE SAID IT WOULD BE AN ADMISSION OF GUILT.
WELL, YOU ARE GUILTY, MEG.
YOU SMASHED HER CAR, AND YOU GOT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT! REMEMBER ONE THING, WELLMAN-- I'M YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.
MOM, THERE'S A CADILLAC IN OUR DRIVEWAY.
WHAT COLOR CADILLAC? UH EARWAX GOLD.
AND THE FRONT END IS SMASHED IN.
HOLY COW, IT'S MRS.
WELLMAN.
D.
J.
, GIVE ME THAT NECK BRACE, QUICK.
I KNEW SHE'D SHOW UP SOONER OR LATER.
NO, MOM.
YOU'RE A VEGETABLE.
OW, OW, OW! HERE.
PUT THIS ON.
NOW SHE'S COMING TO SEE ME.
I'M SURE SHE FEELS BAD ENOUGH.
YOU ALWAYS SAY HOW YOU WANT BETTER THINGS FOR US.
YEAH, BUT I WAS TALKING ABOUT ME AND YOUR DAD.
YOU KIDS ALREADY GOT IT TOO GOOD.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
MOM, MAKE YOUR ARM LIMP! MAKE YOUR ARM LIMP! YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD? TALK WITH WATER IN YOUR MOUTH.
[URGENT RINGING.]
DO I HAVE TO GET UP? JUST SIT! D.
J.
, GET THE DOOR! SICK, SICK! REMEMBER, MOM, YOU'RE BROCCOLI.
HELLO.
OH, HELLO, LITTLE MAN.
IS YOUR MOMMY HOME? HI, MEG.
OH.
THE DOCTOR SAYS SHE REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE VISITORS.
YEAH, ESPECIALLY YOUNG ONES.
YOU GUYS GO PLAY.
WELL, I GUESS JACQUES DOESN'T GET TO PLAY MUCH NINEBALL.
ROXANNE, YOU DO MAKE ME LAUGH.
HAVE A SEAT.
OH, WELL, THANK YOU, ROXANNE.
I BROUGHT YOU SOME TREATS.
OH, THAT WAS VERY NICE.
OH, BY THE WAY, I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T GET RACKED UP OR NOTHING.
OH, I'M FINE.
WELL, IT WAS VERY NICE OF YOU TO STOP BY.
DON'T BE SILLY.
WE WERE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
WHAT, WERE YOU GETTING AN ESTIMATE ON BODY DAMAGE OR SOMETHING? ACTUALLY, YES.
ROXANNE, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SO SERIOUSLY INJURED UNTIL I SPOKE TO JANET AT THE SALON.
JANET? YOUR SISTER.
OH.
WELL, NO OFFENSE, MEG, BUT, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WOULD'VE CALLED ME, I COULD'VE TOLD YOU THAT I WAS SERIOUSLY HURT.
WELL, I WOULD HAVE CALLED, ROXANNE, BUT MY ATTORNEY ADVISED ME NOT TO.
WELL, HOW VERY LEGAL OF YOU.
ROXANNE, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT EVEN THOUGH YOU NO LONGER WORK FOR THE COMPANY, WE STILL THINK OF YOU AS PART OF THE WELLMAN FAMILY.
I DON'T SUPPOSE MY HEALTH INSURANCE IS STILL GOOD? YOU JUST DROPPED BY 'CAUSE YOU WERE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD? WELL, YES.
AND 'CAUSE YOU WANTED TO SEE HOW I WAS DOING AND BRING ME A GIFT? OH, IT'S NOTHING.
YES, IT IS.
VERY NICE OF YOU TO COME BY.
WELL, ACTUALLY, THERE WAS JUST ONE OTHER TEENSY, LITTLE THING, JUST WHILE I'M HERE.
UH, YOU NEED A SHAMPOO? OH, NOTHING THAT COMPLICATED.
NO, I WANTED YOU TO ENDORSE THIS CHECK.
A CHECK? FOR WHAT? FOR YOU, ROXANNE, AND--AND FOR YOUR LITTLE FAMILY.
UH, HONEY! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
IF YOU'D JUST SIGN THAT, JACQUES AND I WILL RUN IT RIGHT OVER TO YOUR BANK, AND YOU'LL HAVE YOUR MONEY.
MEG, YOU KNOW MY HUSBAND DON.
Trust me.
OH, OF COURSE.
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, DAN.
A PLEASURE, MRS.
WELLMAN.
CAN I FIX YOU A DRINK? OH, NO.
I'LL ONLY STAY A MOMENT.
AND YOU MUST CALL ME MEG.
RIGHT NOW? MEG? MEG, WHY ARE YOU GIVING US ALL THIS MONEY? WHY? WELL, BECAUSE IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO AND I'M A NICE PERSON.
BUT WHAT IS THIS LITTLE, TINY WRITING HERE? "ENDORSEMENT CONSTITUTES ACCEPTANCE OF PAYMENT FOR TOTAL LIABILITY.
" THAT'S JUST A BUNCH OF LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO.
WE WOULDN'T WANT TO GET LEGAL NOW, WOULD WE? OH, OF COURSE NOT.
NO, OF COURSE NOT, 'CAUSE OUR LAWYER TELLS US WE CAN GET THREE OR FOUR TIMES THAT AMOUNT.
PEOPLE GET SO SILLY ABOUT MONEY.
HERE.
THANKS FOR DROPPING BY, MEG, AND MAKING ME FEEL STUPID.
ROSEANNE, SHE'S OUR GUEST.
NOW, WHY WOULD YOU FEEL STUPID? BECAUSE FOR SOME DUMB REASON, I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT YOU DROPPED BY TO SEE HOW I WAS DOING, BUT YOU ONLY CAME BY TO BUY ME OFF.
BUY YOU OFF? YEAH, BUT YOU BOUGHT YOURSELF A HUGE LAWSUIT, LADY.
'CAUSE I'M GONNA HAUL YOU INTO COURT AND I'M GONNA SQUEEZE YOU DRY.
WELL, I HOPE YOU HAVE A VERY GOOD ATTORNEY.
LET ME REPHRASE THAT, MEG.
I THINK WHAT I REALLY MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT IF, YOU KNOW, IF I WOULD HAVE BUMPED INTO YOU, I MEAN, I WOULD HAVE CALLED A LAWYER, TOO, YOU KNOW, BUT FIRST I WOULD HAVE MAYBE CALLED YOU TO SEE IF YOU WERE OK AND TO SAY I'M SORRY.
BUT I AM SORRY, ROXANNE.
THERE YOU GO.
WELL, THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR.
THAT'S ALL YOU WANT? THAT AND YOUR WORD THAT I NEVER HAVE TO WALK YOUR DOG AGAIN.
AND THAT'S IT? AND THE CHECK.
OF COURSE.
OH, DON, COULD YOU WALK ME TO MY CAR? OF COURSE.
NEIGHBORHOOD.
OH, ROXANNE, I AM SO GLAD WE GOT THIS STRAIGHTENED OUT JUST BETWEEN US, AND WE ARE FRIENDS AGAIN, AREN'T WE? OH, I'D SAY WE'RE ABOUT AS CLOSE AS WE EVER WERE, MEG.
MY LAWYER GOT ME $25,000.
HE GOT ME $25,000.
HE GOT ME $60,000.
HE TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING FOR ME-- GOT ME A $20,000 SETTLEMENT.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
I BROKE MY LEG, AND LARRY PARKER GOT ME $80,000.
AFTER THE ACCIDENT, MY CAR GOT FIXED, MY MEDICAL WAS PAID, AND I GOT A GOOD SETTLEMENT.
I WAS IN A CROSSWALK.
I GOT HIT BY A CAR.
I GOT MY KNEE AND MY BACK MESSED UP.
I WENT THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR.
I SHATTERED MY WRIST.
SO I WENT TO LARRY H.
PARKER, AND THEY GOT ME SOME BIG MONEY.
[CRASH.]
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL