Roseanne s02e22 Episode Script
April Fool's Day
THIS IS NUTS.
MORE COFFEE, HONEY? HEY, TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.
BY MIDNIGHT TONIGHT, THE TAXES WILL BE FILED AND ALL THIS WILL BE BEHIND US-- THE TENSION, THE ANXIETY, THE FRAUD.
A STUPID SYSTEM RUN BY STUPID PEOPLE, THOUGHT UP BY STUPID PEOPLE, HIRED BY STUPID PEOPLE.
WHO WERE ELECTED BY EVEN STUPIDER PEOPLE.
WHY CAN'T EVERYBODY JUST PAY A FLAT PERCENTAGE, YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
MAYBE THIS YEAR INSTEAD OF FILING, YOU OUGHT TO GO CHANGE THE TAX LAWS.
IT MAKES MORE SENSE THAN THIS.
THIS STUFF'S SO COMPLICATED, NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND IT.
WELL, MAYBE WE COULD HAVE FOUND SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN IT TO US IF YOU DIDN'T WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE.
DON'T.
DON'T.
DON'T START LAYING THIS OFF ON ME.
I'M NOT SAYING NOTHING.
'COURSE IT IS ON YOU BECAUSE YOU DID GO AND WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANTED TO GET THE TAXES DONE EARLIER, YOU COULD'VE STARTED GETTING STUFF TOGETHER YOURSELF.
WELL, I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU BROUGHT THAT UP, HONEY, BECAUSE I DID.
I GOT ALL MY W-2s AND ALL MY RECEIPTS.
THEY'RE ALL ADDED UP, CATALOGUED, PUT TOGETHER, AND READY TO GO.
NO KIDDING? YOU'RE ALL DONE? NO.
I JUST WANTED TO SEE THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT I'D TRY TO KEEP IT LIGHT, YOU KNOW.
SO THIS IS HOW YOU'RE TRYING TO BE HELPFUL, BY TELLING JOKES? NO.
JUST TILL MIDNIGHT.
I WILL TELL ONE SHOW-STOPPER AT 11:59, AND THEN I SHALL REST.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU THINK THIS IS SO MUCH FUN, YOU OUGHT TO SIT DOWN HERE AND TRY TO FIGURE THESE TAXES OUT.
WHY, NO PROBLEM.
YOU WANT TO DO THE TAXES? YOU WANT ME TO? OH, DO THE TAXES.
I'D BE HAPPY TO.
PLEASE DO THE TAXES.
WHY, ALLOW ME.
OK.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, ROSEANNE? NOTHING.
SO, WHAT? YOU'RE YOU'RE AT LINE 12.
BUSINESS INCOME.
WE JUST TELL THEM IT'S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS REALLY ONE TIME WHERE I THINK BEING A WOMAN IS REALLY GOING TO COME IN HANDY, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, US WOMEN READ AND COMPREHEND INSTRUCTIONS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU MEN, AS YOU KNOW.
SO THAT IS WHAT I WILL BE DOING RIGHT NOW, HUH? I WILL BE LOOKING AND READING THE INSTRUCTIONS FOR LINE 12.
OK.
LINE 10, LINE 11, LINE 13 AND 14.
THERE IS NO LINE 12.
WHY ISN'T THERE ANY LINE 12? I'LL CHECK THE BACK FOR LINE 12.
C.
AH, SCHEDULE C.
AHA.
NOW WE'RE IN THE MONEY.
SCHEDULE C, E, F, E.
E SCHEDULE C.
SEE? SCHEDULE C.
SEE THIS.
EINSTEIN.
OK.
"IF LINE 67 IS $500 OR MORE "AND MORE THAN "SHOWN ON YOUR RETURN OR YOU UNDERPAID "YOUR 1989 ESTIMATED TAX LIABILITY FOR ANY PAYMENT PERIOD, YOU MAY OWE A PENALTY.
" RIGHT.
SO, OK, I GIVE UP.
WHAT LANGUAGE IS THIS? FIDUCIARY ESPERANTO.
WELL, THEY COULDN'T GO PUT SOMETHING IN HERE THAT LIKE NOBODY ON EARTH COULD UNDERSTAND.
THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT.
THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT.
OK.
OK.
"IF LINE 67 IS $500 OR MORE AND MORE THAN--" OH.
OH, OH.
"IF LINE 67 IS $500 OR MORE" "AND MORE THAN OH, THEN--THEN THEN YOUR HUSBAND MUST, BY LAW, COMPLETE THE TAXES.
HEY, BECKY, HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU THINK MOM AND DAD MADE LAST YEAR? I DON'T KNOW, BUT I ONCE HEARD MOM SAYING TO AUNT JACKIE THAT THIS HOUSE COST THEM 30,000, AND THEY BOUGHT IT THIS HOUSE YEARS AGO, SO IF THEY COULD AFFORD TO SPEND THAT MUCH THEN, THEY'RE PROBABLY MAKING THREE TIMES THAT MUCH NOW.
$90,000? OH, MY GOD! WAY OFF.
WAY, WAY OFF.
SO HOW MUCH DID YOU MAKE? WAY OFF.
MOM, HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU GUYS MAKE LAST YEAR? DAD DOESN'T WANT TO TELL US.
THAT'S 'CAUSE HE DON'T KNOW.
BESIDES, IT'S NOT POLITE TO GO ASKING PEOPLE HOW MUCH MONEY THEY MAKE.
EVEN IF IT'S YOUR OWN PARENTS? ESPECIALLY IF IT'S YOUR OWN PARENTS.
I MEAN, JUST GENERALLY, HOW MUCH DOES SOMEONE WITH A JOB MAKE? IT DEPENDS ON THE JOB.
SAY SHE WORKED SHAMPOOING HEADS AND GOSSIPING ALL DAY.
WELL, THEN, SHE WOULD PROBABLY BE PAID VERY, VERY WELL, BUT, YOU KNOW, MOSTLY IN THE FORM OF CASH TIPS, WHICH SHE WOULD OF COURSE POCKET AND THEN NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT, INCLUDING HER HUSBAND AND THREE WONDERFUL CHILDREN.
SO, IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL US EITHER.
NOW, LOOK, YOUR DAD AND I MADE ENOUGH MONEY LAST YEAR TO LIVE VERY, VERY WELL FOR SIX MONTHS.
AND THEN WE JUGGLED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU JUGGLED? OK, YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU BORROW A QUARTER FROM BECKY AND YOU CAN'T PAY HER BACK, SO THEN YOU COME BORROW A DOLLAR FROM ME, AND THEN I GO AND DEDUCT IT FROM YOUR NEXT WEEK'S ALLOWANCE? YEAH, AND THEN NEXT WEEK WHEN MY ALLOWANCE IS ONLY $4.
00, I CAN'T GET INTO THE MOVIES.
RIGHT.
SO THEN YOU JUST GO IN AND SWIPE A BUCK OUT OF MY PURSE, YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.
YOU MEAN, YOU GUYS STEAL MONEY? NO, NO.
WE DON'T NEED TO STEAL MONEY.
WE HAVE CREDIT.
GO TO SCHOOL.
YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'RE PAYING TAXES FOR? DO YOU GUYS CHEAT ON YOUR INCOME TAX? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
SIS! HEY.
HI.
OH.
IS HE TEARING THE HOUSE APART YET? NOT YET, BUT IT'S EARLY.
HAS HE STARTED IN ON HIS SPEECH ABOUT MOVING TO AN ISLAND IN THE PACIFIC AND NEVER PAYING TAXES AGAIN? NOT YET.
WELL, SO FAR SO GOOD.
SO FAR.
EXCEPT FOR THE YAKKING.
I HAVE BEEN DREADING THIS FOR WEEKS.
YOU KNOW HOW CRUMMY MY MATH IS.
WELL, NO SWEAT.
D.
J.
WILL BE HOME BY 3:00.
VERY FUNNY, ROSEANNE.
I THINK I CAN MANAGE TO DO MY OWN TAXES DESPITE WHAT CERTAIN MEN MIGHT THINK.
HEY, YOU JUST SAID YOURSELF THAT YOU'RE NO GOOD AT MATH.
I KNOW.
I'M SELF-CONSCIOUS AS IT IS ABOUT MY MATH.
I DON'T NEED TO BE HEARING ABOUT IT FROM MY BOYFRIEND.
HE TELLS ME THAT HE LOVES ME AND THEN HE CRITICIZES MY MATH.
HE SAID MAYBE HE SHOULD LOOK OVER MY FORM, YOU KNOW, LIKE I CAN'T HANDLE IT.
DO YOU MIND? COME ON, SIS.
LET'S GO IN THE LIVING ROOM.
HE'S TAKEN OVER THE MAIN BALLROOM HERE.
THE ADDING MACHINE STAYS.
JUST THESE TWO NUMBERS TOGETHER.
LOOK, WHAT'S 14,173.
80 PLUS 1,319.
16ROUGHLY? THANKS.
GREAT.
WHAT? YOU JUST MESSED ME ALL UP HERE.
WELL, SORRY.
BUT JUST REAL QUICK.
14,173--OK.
DO IT.
DO IT! OK.
OH, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
OH, LET ME.
HERE.
THIS ON THE TOP-- PLUS THE 1,3 THANKS, DAN.
GOOD.
YEAH, NOW, SEE, THAT'S CLOSER TO THE TOTAL.
OK, OK, OK.
WHAT'S GOING ON BETWEEN YOU AND GARY? OH NOTHING.
OH, YES, THERE IS AND YOU'RE DYING TO TELL ME.
NOTHING'S GOING ON.
SPILL IT.
HE THINKS HE'S SO SMART AND I CAN'T HANDLE ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES A LITTLE SIMPLE MATH.
WELL, I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO ANY MATH IN FRONT OF HIM TILL AFTER YOU'RE MARRIED.
ROSEANNE? WELL, GARY SAID HE DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, AND I KNOW EXACTLY THE WAY HE MEANT IT, ROSEANNE.
A WOMAN CAN TELL THAT.
HE HATES MY MATH.
ROSEANNE! WHAT? I NEED YOUR 1099 FOR THAT MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION JOB.
I DIDN'T GET ONE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T GET ONE? I MEAN I DID NOT GET ONE AS OPPOSED TO I DID GET ONE.
YOU KNOW, THEREFORE, I DO NOT HAVE ONE AS OPPOSED TO I HAVE ONE.
YOU DIDN'T GET A 1099? SEE, NOW THERE'S SOME COMMUNICATION HAPPENING.
ROSEANNE.
NO, I DIDN'T GET A 1099, HONEY, BUT I DIDN'T NEED ONE BECAUSE YOU GOT TO MAKE SOMETHING LIKE 600 BUCKS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO EVEN GET ONE, YOU KNOW.
THAT'S THE RULE.
SAYS WHO? SAYS GOD.
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S JUST THE RULE.
YOU KNOW THIS FOR A FACT? YEAH.
YOU ASKED SOMEONE? YES.
WHO? JACKIE.
JACKIE'S WRONG.
EVERYBODY GETS A 1099.
D.
J.
DIDN'T GET ONE, SO NOT EVERYBODY.
OH, COME ON, ROSEANNE.
THIS ISN'T A JOKE.
I NEED THAT 1099 OR WE'RE DEAD.
I DIDN'T GET ANY KIND OF 1099 'CAUSE I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GET ANY KIND OF 1099, BUT HERE'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO FOR YOU.
I'M CALLING UP THE IRS RIGHT NOW AND I'M GOING TO ASK THEM JUST TO MAKE ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY SURE THAT I DON'T NEED NO 1099.
OH, ROSEANNE, GET REAL.
IT'S TAX DAY.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET THROUGH TO THE IRS.
IT'S BUSY.
GREAT.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
JUST GO AHEAD AND DO EVERYTHING ELSE, YOU KNOW, AND THEN WE'LL WORRY ABOUT THE 1099 THING LATER.
WHAT LATER? LATER WHEN? OK, OK, YEAH, WE ARE KIND OF ALL OUT OF LATER.
BUTI MEAN, IT'S NO BIG DEAL, OK? THEY DIDN'T MAIL ME ANY KIND OF 1099, SO HOW CAN WE DECLARE THE INCOME? IT'S NOT OUR FAULT.
I'M DONE.
HEY.
HEY.
YOU'RE MESSING WITH THE FEDS.
HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME WHEN WE WAS IN THE CAR COMING BACK FROM SHOPPING-- YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SAYS I SHOULDN'T GET ONE.
OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT A WIG.
A WIG? YOU ARE REALLY, REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES TODAY, MAN! I MEAN, MORE THAN USUAL.
OK.
WHAT IF SHE IS SUPPOSED TO GET A 1099 AND IT GOT LOST IN THE MAIL? AND THEN THE IRS IS GOING TO CHECK HER ON IT, AND YOU GUYS ARE GONNA HAVE TO HAVE AN AUDIT.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
AND THEY DON'T GO BACK FOR ONE YEAR, YOU KNOW.
THEY CAN GO BACK LIKE SIX YEARS TO AUDIT.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
AND IF YOU CAN'T DOCUMENT EVERY SINGLE, SOLITARY DEDUCTION FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS, YOU GOT TO PAY.
AND NOT ONLY THE ADJUSTED TAX, BUT THE PENALTIES AND THE INTEREST.
AND IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU PAY, THEY CAN FREEZE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.
THEY CAN GARNISH YOUR WAGES.
THEY CAN AUCTION OFF YOUR FURNITURE.
THEY AUCTION OUR FURNITURE? LET'S NOT FILE, FOR SURE.
COME ON, ROSEANNE.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THIS 1099? I AIN'T IN NO MOOD FOR AN AUDIT.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
I THINK WE SHOULD GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE.
JUST GO DOWN TO THE IRS AND ASK THEM IN PERSON.
NO, NO, I CAN'T.
NO WAY.
NO WAY.
I CAN'T GO DOWN TO THAT BUILDING.
IT GIVES ME THE CREEPS.
I JUST KNOW I'M GONNA TAKE ONE OF THOSE SNOTTY LITTLE IRS GUYS AND THROW HIM THROUGH A WINDOW.
WELL, THAT WOULD NOT BE SMART, HONEY, BECAUSE THEN WE WOULD DEFINITELY GET AN AUDIT.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
CAN I HELP YOU? I GUESS WE'LL FIND OUT, WON'T WE? DO YOU WANT TO GO AHEAD AND GET THE PHONE FIRST? [RING.]
I GUESS I'M NOT A PHONE PERSON EITHER.
YEAH, IF PEOPLE WANT TO TALK TO YOU, THEY BETTER COME DOWN HERE AND STAND IN LINE ALL DAY, HUH? HONEY, HONEY, THE GENTLEMAN'S WAITING TO HELP US.
ALIEN TAX CLEARANCE? NO.
1099.
COUNTER FOUR.
NEXT, PLEASE.
JUST STEP ASIDE.
LET'S KEEP THE LINE MOVING.
MISTER, THAT'S A REAL LONG LINE, AND WE'RE KIND OF PRESSED FOR TIME.
I WAS, YOU KNOW, JUST WONDERING IF, UH GUESS NOT.
PUT YOUR RIGHT LEG IN YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT LEG OUT YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT LEG IN AND YOU SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY PLEASE REMAIN BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE, SIR.
HEY, LOOK, DOLL FACE, I GOT FORM 4255 HERE, ENTITLED, "RECAPTURE OF INVESTMENT CREDITS "FOR DISPOSAL OR CHANGED USE OF INVESTMENT PROPERTY BEFORE THE END OF ITS USEFUL LIFE.
" DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING SHARP I COULD STICK IN MY EYE? DO I INCLUDE FORM 8611 FOR REDUCTION IN QUALITY BASIS OF PROPERTY AND PUT THE TOTAL ON LINE 50 OR DO I LIST THEM SEPARATELY? I'LL GET THE SUPERVISOR.
I THINK THE WISE THING WOULD BE TO GO DOWN TO YOUR LOCAL IRS OFFICE.
IF I'D KEPT MY LAST JOB, I COULD'VE BEEN ON VACATION IN FLORIDA.
PLEASE STEP BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE.
SORRY.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GONNA HIT YOU OR NOTHING.
WHAT DO YOU NEED? OK.
HOW MUCH DO YOU GOT TO EARN TO BE MAILED A 1099? UM, THAT'S INCOME FROM GAMBLING? NO.
NO, IT ISN'T.
PENSION INCOME? [IMITATING A BUZZER.]
TIME'S UP, DENISE.
I'M SURE THIS INSTRUCTION BOOK WILL HELP, OK? UH-HUH.
WELL, I'VE READ THIS BOOK, AND IT IS FABULOUS, BUT I WOULD LIKE SOME INFORMATION.
SEE, I'D WAGER THAT'S WHY THEY CALL THIS THE INFORMATION LINE.
I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT I'VE ONLY BEEN HERE FOR TWO WEEKS.
WELL, SO HAVE WE.
LOOK, PLEASE, WE'VE BEEN EXTREMELY BUSY.
THIS IS OUR BUSIEST DAY OF THE YEAR.
I'M SURE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND.
I MEAN, I'VE BEEN HERE SINCE 7:30 THIS MORNING.
I NEVER GOT LUNCH, AND THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE FRESH COFFEE BACK HERE.
MAYBE ONE OF YOUR COLLEAGUES COULD HELP US.
ED, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT A 1099? PENSIONS AND ANNUITIES.
NO, ED.
INCOME, ED.
COUNTER FOUR.
IS THERE ANYONE ELSE? ANYONE? I'LL GET THE SUPERVISOR.
WHY, NEXT YEAR WE'RE STARTING IN JUNE.
NEXT YEAR WE AIN'T GONNA FILE.
THEN WE'LL GO TO PRISON.
OF COURSE, I BET YOU DON'T HAVE TO FILE FROM PRISON.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? WELL, NOBODY IN YOUR WHOLE OPERATION HERE SEEMS TO KNOW HOW MUCH I HAVE TO EARN TO GET MAILED A 1099.
WHAT WERE YOUR EARNINGS? AN EMPLOYER IS ONLY REQUIRED TO SEND YOU A 1099 IF YOU EARNED $600 OR MORE.
WHY COULDN'T YOU GUYS HAVE THAT WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE? WE DO.
WE HAVE DETAILED INSTRUCTION BOOKS WHICH CAN BE EASILY UNDERSTOOD BY PEOPLE WITH AT LEAST AN EIGHTH GRADE EDUCATION, BUT OF COURSE WE HAVE TO RELY ON COOPERATIVE CITIZENS SUCH AS YOURSELVES TAKING THE TIME TO READ THEM.
NO, SEE, I DID READ THIS BOOK, AND THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE ABOUT NO 1099.
YOU SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS ANYTHING IN THERE ABOUT A 1099.
WELL, THAT'S THE ONE PAGE I SKIPPED.
THAT'S THAT PAGE 34.
PAGE 34.
YEAH, SO IT'S OUR FAULT.
I'M NOT SAYING IT'S ANYONE'S FAULT, MA'AM, BUT THE ANSWER IS THERE IN WRITING.
SORRY, THERE ARE NO PICTURES.
YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY, YOU KNOW? YOU SHOULD HAVE A COVER CHARGE TO GET IN THIS JOINT.
YOU KNOW, IF MORE PEOPLE WOULD TAKE THE TIME TO READ THESE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO COME DOWN HERE AND ASK STUPID QUESTIONS, AND THEN MAYBE THESE LINES WOULDN'T BE SO LONG.
SO LONG.
HEY, HEY.
HEY, LISTEN, YOU PENCIL-PUSHING GEEK.
I REALLY DIDN'T COME DOWN HERE TO STAND IN LINE ALL DAY TO PUT UP WITH YOUR CONDESCENDING, SNOTTY LITTLE ATTITUDE, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, I'M SURE IT IS A PAIN IN YOUR BUTT TO ANSWER OUR UNIMPORTANT LITTLE QUESTIONS, BUT THAT IS YOUR JOB, ISN'T IT? AND YOU ARE PAID WITH OUR TAX MONEY.
OK, HONEY, COME ON.
NO, DAN.
THIS STUFF IS IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND-- THESE LAWS AND EXPLANATIONS OF LAWS.
NO HUMAN BEING CAN REALLY UNDERSTAND THESE THINGS.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TO GO GET SOME $200-AN-HOUR LAWYER TO EVEN EXPLAIN THE CRAP TO YOU, YOU KNOW? AND I CAN'T AFFORD $200 AN HOUR.
YEAH.
YEAH.
WE DON'T WRITE THE STINKING LAWS! YOU GOT A COMPLAINT, TALK TO THE IDIOTS IN WASHINGTON! ED! WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD.
I MEAN, US PEOPLE, THE POOR PEOPLE, AND US REGULAR PEOPLE, WE'RE PAYING MORE TAXES THAN THE RICH PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY GOT ALL THEIR LAWYERS TO FIGURE OUT THE LOOPHOLES.
I WANT TO FIND LOOPHOLES.
YEAH! LET'S GO.
I MEAN, WE GIVE YOU OUR MONEY AND THEN YOU LIKE TOTALLY MISMANAGE IT WORSE THAN WE EVER COULD ANYHOW.
I MEAN, THE GOVERNMENT IS SOMETHING LIKE $3 TRILLION IN DEBT.
I MEAN, I THINK I SAW THAT ON DONAHUE.
IT'S LIKE 3 TRILLION-- THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU'RE MAKING $15,000 A YEAR, OK? SO YOU RUN UP YOUR MASTERCHARGE TO LIKE 50 GRAND.
THEN, CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? YOUR MONTHLY BILL WOULD BE LIKE $5,000 A MONTH.
I MEAN, IT'S INSANE.
THE WHOLE THING IS INSANE.
I MEAN, SOMEDAY US REGULAR PEOPLE, WE OUGHT TO GET SMART, YOU KNOW, AND AUDIT THEM.
YEAH.
YEAH.
I'M SORRY, MA'AM, UH, I DIDN'T GET YOUR NAME.
YOU DON'T NEED HER NAME.
COME ON.
NO, DAN.
I'M NOT GOING TO BE INTIMIDATED BY THAT LITTLE WEASEL.
HONEY, THIS ISN'T THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.
NO, NO.
I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.
EXCUSE ME, RABBI.
I AM NOT AFRAID TO TELL YOU MY NAME.
IT'S WAGNER WITH A "W.
" ALL RIGHT.
YEAH.
MRS.
NORRIS T.
WAGNER.
MRS.
NORRIS T.
WAGNER.
COME, NORRIS.
YES, DEAR.
PRESENTING, NEW FOR 1989, YOUR INCOME TAX RETURN.
PAGES AND PAGES OF FABULOUS PRINT ON OUR OWN HIGH-QUALITY BOND, BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.
AH.
YOUR PEN--A BIC CLIC-- RETAILING FOR 98 CENTS, AVAILABLE AT THE BOTTOM OF ANY OF ONE OF MOM'S POCKETBOOKS.
THANK YOU, VANNA.
AND NOW WAGNER.
MOVE IT OUT.
ALL RIGHT.
JACKETS.
SO DID YOU GUYS CHEAT? YEAH.
RICH PEOPLE RIP OFF THE GOVERNMENT.
WHY SHOULDN'T WE? OH, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT? OFF OF ONE OF YOUR DYLAN ALBUMS.
NOBODY CHEATED.
GET IN THE CAR.
HOPE YOU DON'T GET AN AUDIT.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
HI.
I'M JOHN GOODMAN.
THANK YOU.
WHAT YOU'VE JUST SEEN WAS A PLAY, A SILLY LITTLE PLAY CHOCK-FULL OF JOKES AND JUST FOR FUN, JUST FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT.
I PERSONALLY HAVE NOTHING BUT THE UTMOST RESPECT FOR THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE AND ALL OF ITS DEDICATED WORKERS BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT'S THE GREAT GUYS AND GALS AT THE IRS THAT KEEP AMERICA ROLLING.
SEE, IT'S LIKE THIS.
I GOT A CONTRACT WITH A PRODUCTION COMPANY, AND THEY HIRE WRITERS WHO PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH.
FOR EXAMPLE, EARLY IN THE SHOW I GO-- IT WAS MY JOB TO SAY-- "IT'S A STUPID SYSTEM RUN BY STUPID PEOPLE," RIGHT? LIKE I BELIEVE THAT.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING I SAID ON THE SHOW.
IT WAS MY JOB AS AN ACTOR.
SO I BEG YOU, PLEASE DO NOT CONFUSE HARDWORKING, RESPONSIBLE, TAXPAYING JOHN GOODMAN WITH THAT LOVABLE BUT NAUGHTY SCAMP DAN CONNER.
SO, TO THE MEN AND WOMEN AT THE IRS, MY HAT'S OFF TO YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOD BLESS.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
MORE COFFEE, HONEY? HEY, TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.
BY MIDNIGHT TONIGHT, THE TAXES WILL BE FILED AND ALL THIS WILL BE BEHIND US-- THE TENSION, THE ANXIETY, THE FRAUD.
A STUPID SYSTEM RUN BY STUPID PEOPLE, THOUGHT UP BY STUPID PEOPLE, HIRED BY STUPID PEOPLE.
WHO WERE ELECTED BY EVEN STUPIDER PEOPLE.
WHY CAN'T EVERYBODY JUST PAY A FLAT PERCENTAGE, YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
MAYBE THIS YEAR INSTEAD OF FILING, YOU OUGHT TO GO CHANGE THE TAX LAWS.
IT MAKES MORE SENSE THAN THIS.
THIS STUFF'S SO COMPLICATED, NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND IT.
WELL, MAYBE WE COULD HAVE FOUND SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN IT TO US IF YOU DIDN'T WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE.
DON'T.
DON'T.
DON'T START LAYING THIS OFF ON ME.
I'M NOT SAYING NOTHING.
'COURSE IT IS ON YOU BECAUSE YOU DID GO AND WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANTED TO GET THE TAXES DONE EARLIER, YOU COULD'VE STARTED GETTING STUFF TOGETHER YOURSELF.
WELL, I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU BROUGHT THAT UP, HONEY, BECAUSE I DID.
I GOT ALL MY W-2s AND ALL MY RECEIPTS.
THEY'RE ALL ADDED UP, CATALOGUED, PUT TOGETHER, AND READY TO GO.
NO KIDDING? YOU'RE ALL DONE? NO.
I JUST WANTED TO SEE THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT I'D TRY TO KEEP IT LIGHT, YOU KNOW.
SO THIS IS HOW YOU'RE TRYING TO BE HELPFUL, BY TELLING JOKES? NO.
JUST TILL MIDNIGHT.
I WILL TELL ONE SHOW-STOPPER AT 11:59, AND THEN I SHALL REST.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU THINK THIS IS SO MUCH FUN, YOU OUGHT TO SIT DOWN HERE AND TRY TO FIGURE THESE TAXES OUT.
WHY, NO PROBLEM.
YOU WANT TO DO THE TAXES? YOU WANT ME TO? OH, DO THE TAXES.
I'D BE HAPPY TO.
PLEASE DO THE TAXES.
WHY, ALLOW ME.
OK.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, ROSEANNE? NOTHING.
SO, WHAT? YOU'RE YOU'RE AT LINE 12.
BUSINESS INCOME.
WE JUST TELL THEM IT'S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS REALLY ONE TIME WHERE I THINK BEING A WOMAN IS REALLY GOING TO COME IN HANDY, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, US WOMEN READ AND COMPREHEND INSTRUCTIONS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU MEN, AS YOU KNOW.
SO THAT IS WHAT I WILL BE DOING RIGHT NOW, HUH? I WILL BE LOOKING AND READING THE INSTRUCTIONS FOR LINE 12.
OK.
LINE 10, LINE 11, LINE 13 AND 14.
THERE IS NO LINE 12.
WHY ISN'T THERE ANY LINE 12? I'LL CHECK THE BACK FOR LINE 12.
C.
AH, SCHEDULE C.
AHA.
NOW WE'RE IN THE MONEY.
SCHEDULE C, E, F, E.
E SCHEDULE C.
SEE? SCHEDULE C.
SEE THIS.
EINSTEIN.
OK.
"IF LINE 67 IS $500 OR MORE "AND MORE THAN "SHOWN ON YOUR RETURN OR YOU UNDERPAID "YOUR 1989 ESTIMATED TAX LIABILITY FOR ANY PAYMENT PERIOD, YOU MAY OWE A PENALTY.
" RIGHT.
SO, OK, I GIVE UP.
WHAT LANGUAGE IS THIS? FIDUCIARY ESPERANTO.
WELL, THEY COULDN'T GO PUT SOMETHING IN HERE THAT LIKE NOBODY ON EARTH COULD UNDERSTAND.
THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT.
THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT.
OK.
OK.
"IF LINE 67 IS $500 OR MORE AND MORE THAN--" OH.
OH, OH.
"IF LINE 67 IS $500 OR MORE" "AND MORE THAN OH, THEN--THEN THEN YOUR HUSBAND MUST, BY LAW, COMPLETE THE TAXES.
HEY, BECKY, HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU THINK MOM AND DAD MADE LAST YEAR? I DON'T KNOW, BUT I ONCE HEARD MOM SAYING TO AUNT JACKIE THAT THIS HOUSE COST THEM 30,000, AND THEY BOUGHT IT THIS HOUSE YEARS AGO, SO IF THEY COULD AFFORD TO SPEND THAT MUCH THEN, THEY'RE PROBABLY MAKING THREE TIMES THAT MUCH NOW.
$90,000? OH, MY GOD! WAY OFF.
WAY, WAY OFF.
SO HOW MUCH DID YOU MAKE? WAY OFF.
MOM, HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU GUYS MAKE LAST YEAR? DAD DOESN'T WANT TO TELL US.
THAT'S 'CAUSE HE DON'T KNOW.
BESIDES, IT'S NOT POLITE TO GO ASKING PEOPLE HOW MUCH MONEY THEY MAKE.
EVEN IF IT'S YOUR OWN PARENTS? ESPECIALLY IF IT'S YOUR OWN PARENTS.
I MEAN, JUST GENERALLY, HOW MUCH DOES SOMEONE WITH A JOB MAKE? IT DEPENDS ON THE JOB.
SAY SHE WORKED SHAMPOOING HEADS AND GOSSIPING ALL DAY.
WELL, THEN, SHE WOULD PROBABLY BE PAID VERY, VERY WELL, BUT, YOU KNOW, MOSTLY IN THE FORM OF CASH TIPS, WHICH SHE WOULD OF COURSE POCKET AND THEN NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT, INCLUDING HER HUSBAND AND THREE WONDERFUL CHILDREN.
SO, IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL US EITHER.
NOW, LOOK, YOUR DAD AND I MADE ENOUGH MONEY LAST YEAR TO LIVE VERY, VERY WELL FOR SIX MONTHS.
AND THEN WE JUGGLED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU JUGGLED? OK, YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU BORROW A QUARTER FROM BECKY AND YOU CAN'T PAY HER BACK, SO THEN YOU COME BORROW A DOLLAR FROM ME, AND THEN I GO AND DEDUCT IT FROM YOUR NEXT WEEK'S ALLOWANCE? YEAH, AND THEN NEXT WEEK WHEN MY ALLOWANCE IS ONLY $4.
00, I CAN'T GET INTO THE MOVIES.
RIGHT.
SO THEN YOU JUST GO IN AND SWIPE A BUCK OUT OF MY PURSE, YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.
YOU MEAN, YOU GUYS STEAL MONEY? NO, NO.
WE DON'T NEED TO STEAL MONEY.
WE HAVE CREDIT.
GO TO SCHOOL.
YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'RE PAYING TAXES FOR? DO YOU GUYS CHEAT ON YOUR INCOME TAX? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
SIS! HEY.
HI.
OH.
IS HE TEARING THE HOUSE APART YET? NOT YET, BUT IT'S EARLY.
HAS HE STARTED IN ON HIS SPEECH ABOUT MOVING TO AN ISLAND IN THE PACIFIC AND NEVER PAYING TAXES AGAIN? NOT YET.
WELL, SO FAR SO GOOD.
SO FAR.
EXCEPT FOR THE YAKKING.
I HAVE BEEN DREADING THIS FOR WEEKS.
YOU KNOW HOW CRUMMY MY MATH IS.
WELL, NO SWEAT.
D.
J.
WILL BE HOME BY 3:00.
VERY FUNNY, ROSEANNE.
I THINK I CAN MANAGE TO DO MY OWN TAXES DESPITE WHAT CERTAIN MEN MIGHT THINK.
HEY, YOU JUST SAID YOURSELF THAT YOU'RE NO GOOD AT MATH.
I KNOW.
I'M SELF-CONSCIOUS AS IT IS ABOUT MY MATH.
I DON'T NEED TO BE HEARING ABOUT IT FROM MY BOYFRIEND.
HE TELLS ME THAT HE LOVES ME AND THEN HE CRITICIZES MY MATH.
HE SAID MAYBE HE SHOULD LOOK OVER MY FORM, YOU KNOW, LIKE I CAN'T HANDLE IT.
DO YOU MIND? COME ON, SIS.
LET'S GO IN THE LIVING ROOM.
HE'S TAKEN OVER THE MAIN BALLROOM HERE.
THE ADDING MACHINE STAYS.
JUST THESE TWO NUMBERS TOGETHER.
LOOK, WHAT'S 14,173.
80 PLUS 1,319.
16ROUGHLY? THANKS.
GREAT.
WHAT? YOU JUST MESSED ME ALL UP HERE.
WELL, SORRY.
BUT JUST REAL QUICK.
14,173--OK.
DO IT.
DO IT! OK.
OH, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
OH, LET ME.
HERE.
THIS ON THE TOP-- PLUS THE 1,3 THANKS, DAN.
GOOD.
YEAH, NOW, SEE, THAT'S CLOSER TO THE TOTAL.
OK, OK, OK.
WHAT'S GOING ON BETWEEN YOU AND GARY? OH NOTHING.
OH, YES, THERE IS AND YOU'RE DYING TO TELL ME.
NOTHING'S GOING ON.
SPILL IT.
HE THINKS HE'S SO SMART AND I CAN'T HANDLE ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES A LITTLE SIMPLE MATH.
WELL, I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO ANY MATH IN FRONT OF HIM TILL AFTER YOU'RE MARRIED.
ROSEANNE? WELL, GARY SAID HE DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, AND I KNOW EXACTLY THE WAY HE MEANT IT, ROSEANNE.
A WOMAN CAN TELL THAT.
HE HATES MY MATH.
ROSEANNE! WHAT? I NEED YOUR 1099 FOR THAT MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION JOB.
I DIDN'T GET ONE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T GET ONE? I MEAN I DID NOT GET ONE AS OPPOSED TO I DID GET ONE.
YOU KNOW, THEREFORE, I DO NOT HAVE ONE AS OPPOSED TO I HAVE ONE.
YOU DIDN'T GET A 1099? SEE, NOW THERE'S SOME COMMUNICATION HAPPENING.
ROSEANNE.
NO, I DIDN'T GET A 1099, HONEY, BUT I DIDN'T NEED ONE BECAUSE YOU GOT TO MAKE SOMETHING LIKE 600 BUCKS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO EVEN GET ONE, YOU KNOW.
THAT'S THE RULE.
SAYS WHO? SAYS GOD.
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S JUST THE RULE.
YOU KNOW THIS FOR A FACT? YEAH.
YOU ASKED SOMEONE? YES.
WHO? JACKIE.
JACKIE'S WRONG.
EVERYBODY GETS A 1099.
D.
J.
DIDN'T GET ONE, SO NOT EVERYBODY.
OH, COME ON, ROSEANNE.
THIS ISN'T A JOKE.
I NEED THAT 1099 OR WE'RE DEAD.
I DIDN'T GET ANY KIND OF 1099 'CAUSE I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GET ANY KIND OF 1099, BUT HERE'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO FOR YOU.
I'M CALLING UP THE IRS RIGHT NOW AND I'M GOING TO ASK THEM JUST TO MAKE ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY SURE THAT I DON'T NEED NO 1099.
OH, ROSEANNE, GET REAL.
IT'S TAX DAY.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET THROUGH TO THE IRS.
IT'S BUSY.
GREAT.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
JUST GO AHEAD AND DO EVERYTHING ELSE, YOU KNOW, AND THEN WE'LL WORRY ABOUT THE 1099 THING LATER.
WHAT LATER? LATER WHEN? OK, OK, YEAH, WE ARE KIND OF ALL OUT OF LATER.
BUTI MEAN, IT'S NO BIG DEAL, OK? THEY DIDN'T MAIL ME ANY KIND OF 1099, SO HOW CAN WE DECLARE THE INCOME? IT'S NOT OUR FAULT.
I'M DONE.
HEY.
HEY.
YOU'RE MESSING WITH THE FEDS.
HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME WHEN WE WAS IN THE CAR COMING BACK FROM SHOPPING-- YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SAYS I SHOULDN'T GET ONE.
OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT A WIG.
A WIG? YOU ARE REALLY, REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES TODAY, MAN! I MEAN, MORE THAN USUAL.
OK.
WHAT IF SHE IS SUPPOSED TO GET A 1099 AND IT GOT LOST IN THE MAIL? AND THEN THE IRS IS GOING TO CHECK HER ON IT, AND YOU GUYS ARE GONNA HAVE TO HAVE AN AUDIT.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
AND THEY DON'T GO BACK FOR ONE YEAR, YOU KNOW.
THEY CAN GO BACK LIKE SIX YEARS TO AUDIT.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
AND IF YOU CAN'T DOCUMENT EVERY SINGLE, SOLITARY DEDUCTION FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS, YOU GOT TO PAY.
AND NOT ONLY THE ADJUSTED TAX, BUT THE PENALTIES AND THE INTEREST.
AND IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU PAY, THEY CAN FREEZE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.
THEY CAN GARNISH YOUR WAGES.
THEY CAN AUCTION OFF YOUR FURNITURE.
THEY AUCTION OUR FURNITURE? LET'S NOT FILE, FOR SURE.
COME ON, ROSEANNE.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THIS 1099? I AIN'T IN NO MOOD FOR AN AUDIT.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
I THINK WE SHOULD GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE.
JUST GO DOWN TO THE IRS AND ASK THEM IN PERSON.
NO, NO, I CAN'T.
NO WAY.
NO WAY.
I CAN'T GO DOWN TO THAT BUILDING.
IT GIVES ME THE CREEPS.
I JUST KNOW I'M GONNA TAKE ONE OF THOSE SNOTTY LITTLE IRS GUYS AND THROW HIM THROUGH A WINDOW.
WELL, THAT WOULD NOT BE SMART, HONEY, BECAUSE THEN WE WOULD DEFINITELY GET AN AUDIT.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
CAN I HELP YOU? I GUESS WE'LL FIND OUT, WON'T WE? DO YOU WANT TO GO AHEAD AND GET THE PHONE FIRST? [RING.]
I GUESS I'M NOT A PHONE PERSON EITHER.
YEAH, IF PEOPLE WANT TO TALK TO YOU, THEY BETTER COME DOWN HERE AND STAND IN LINE ALL DAY, HUH? HONEY, HONEY, THE GENTLEMAN'S WAITING TO HELP US.
ALIEN TAX CLEARANCE? NO.
1099.
COUNTER FOUR.
NEXT, PLEASE.
JUST STEP ASIDE.
LET'S KEEP THE LINE MOVING.
MISTER, THAT'S A REAL LONG LINE, AND WE'RE KIND OF PRESSED FOR TIME.
I WAS, YOU KNOW, JUST WONDERING IF, UH GUESS NOT.
PUT YOUR RIGHT LEG IN YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT LEG OUT YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT LEG IN AND YOU SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY PLEASE REMAIN BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE, SIR.
HEY, LOOK, DOLL FACE, I GOT FORM 4255 HERE, ENTITLED, "RECAPTURE OF INVESTMENT CREDITS "FOR DISPOSAL OR CHANGED USE OF INVESTMENT PROPERTY BEFORE THE END OF ITS USEFUL LIFE.
" DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING SHARP I COULD STICK IN MY EYE? DO I INCLUDE FORM 8611 FOR REDUCTION IN QUALITY BASIS OF PROPERTY AND PUT THE TOTAL ON LINE 50 OR DO I LIST THEM SEPARATELY? I'LL GET THE SUPERVISOR.
I THINK THE WISE THING WOULD BE TO GO DOWN TO YOUR LOCAL IRS OFFICE.
IF I'D KEPT MY LAST JOB, I COULD'VE BEEN ON VACATION IN FLORIDA.
PLEASE STEP BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE.
SORRY.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GONNA HIT YOU OR NOTHING.
WHAT DO YOU NEED? OK.
HOW MUCH DO YOU GOT TO EARN TO BE MAILED A 1099? UM, THAT'S INCOME FROM GAMBLING? NO.
NO, IT ISN'T.
PENSION INCOME? [IMITATING A BUZZER.]
TIME'S UP, DENISE.
I'M SURE THIS INSTRUCTION BOOK WILL HELP, OK? UH-HUH.
WELL, I'VE READ THIS BOOK, AND IT IS FABULOUS, BUT I WOULD LIKE SOME INFORMATION.
SEE, I'D WAGER THAT'S WHY THEY CALL THIS THE INFORMATION LINE.
I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT I'VE ONLY BEEN HERE FOR TWO WEEKS.
WELL, SO HAVE WE.
LOOK, PLEASE, WE'VE BEEN EXTREMELY BUSY.
THIS IS OUR BUSIEST DAY OF THE YEAR.
I'M SURE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND.
I MEAN, I'VE BEEN HERE SINCE 7:30 THIS MORNING.
I NEVER GOT LUNCH, AND THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE FRESH COFFEE BACK HERE.
MAYBE ONE OF YOUR COLLEAGUES COULD HELP US.
ED, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT A 1099? PENSIONS AND ANNUITIES.
NO, ED.
INCOME, ED.
COUNTER FOUR.
IS THERE ANYONE ELSE? ANYONE? I'LL GET THE SUPERVISOR.
WHY, NEXT YEAR WE'RE STARTING IN JUNE.
NEXT YEAR WE AIN'T GONNA FILE.
THEN WE'LL GO TO PRISON.
OF COURSE, I BET YOU DON'T HAVE TO FILE FROM PRISON.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? WELL, NOBODY IN YOUR WHOLE OPERATION HERE SEEMS TO KNOW HOW MUCH I HAVE TO EARN TO GET MAILED A 1099.
WHAT WERE YOUR EARNINGS? AN EMPLOYER IS ONLY REQUIRED TO SEND YOU A 1099 IF YOU EARNED $600 OR MORE.
WHY COULDN'T YOU GUYS HAVE THAT WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE? WE DO.
WE HAVE DETAILED INSTRUCTION BOOKS WHICH CAN BE EASILY UNDERSTOOD BY PEOPLE WITH AT LEAST AN EIGHTH GRADE EDUCATION, BUT OF COURSE WE HAVE TO RELY ON COOPERATIVE CITIZENS SUCH AS YOURSELVES TAKING THE TIME TO READ THEM.
NO, SEE, I DID READ THIS BOOK, AND THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE ABOUT NO 1099.
YOU SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS ANYTHING IN THERE ABOUT A 1099.
WELL, THAT'S THE ONE PAGE I SKIPPED.
THAT'S THAT PAGE 34.
PAGE 34.
YEAH, SO IT'S OUR FAULT.
I'M NOT SAYING IT'S ANYONE'S FAULT, MA'AM, BUT THE ANSWER IS THERE IN WRITING.
SORRY, THERE ARE NO PICTURES.
YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY, YOU KNOW? YOU SHOULD HAVE A COVER CHARGE TO GET IN THIS JOINT.
YOU KNOW, IF MORE PEOPLE WOULD TAKE THE TIME TO READ THESE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO COME DOWN HERE AND ASK STUPID QUESTIONS, AND THEN MAYBE THESE LINES WOULDN'T BE SO LONG.
SO LONG.
HEY, HEY.
HEY, LISTEN, YOU PENCIL-PUSHING GEEK.
I REALLY DIDN'T COME DOWN HERE TO STAND IN LINE ALL DAY TO PUT UP WITH YOUR CONDESCENDING, SNOTTY LITTLE ATTITUDE, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, I'M SURE IT IS A PAIN IN YOUR BUTT TO ANSWER OUR UNIMPORTANT LITTLE QUESTIONS, BUT THAT IS YOUR JOB, ISN'T IT? AND YOU ARE PAID WITH OUR TAX MONEY.
OK, HONEY, COME ON.
NO, DAN.
THIS STUFF IS IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND-- THESE LAWS AND EXPLANATIONS OF LAWS.
NO HUMAN BEING CAN REALLY UNDERSTAND THESE THINGS.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TO GO GET SOME $200-AN-HOUR LAWYER TO EVEN EXPLAIN THE CRAP TO YOU, YOU KNOW? AND I CAN'T AFFORD $200 AN HOUR.
YEAH.
YEAH.
WE DON'T WRITE THE STINKING LAWS! YOU GOT A COMPLAINT, TALK TO THE IDIOTS IN WASHINGTON! ED! WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD.
I MEAN, US PEOPLE, THE POOR PEOPLE, AND US REGULAR PEOPLE, WE'RE PAYING MORE TAXES THAN THE RICH PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY GOT ALL THEIR LAWYERS TO FIGURE OUT THE LOOPHOLES.
I WANT TO FIND LOOPHOLES.
YEAH! LET'S GO.
I MEAN, WE GIVE YOU OUR MONEY AND THEN YOU LIKE TOTALLY MISMANAGE IT WORSE THAN WE EVER COULD ANYHOW.
I MEAN, THE GOVERNMENT IS SOMETHING LIKE $3 TRILLION IN DEBT.
I MEAN, I THINK I SAW THAT ON DONAHUE.
IT'S LIKE 3 TRILLION-- THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU'RE MAKING $15,000 A YEAR, OK? SO YOU RUN UP YOUR MASTERCHARGE TO LIKE 50 GRAND.
THEN, CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? YOUR MONTHLY BILL WOULD BE LIKE $5,000 A MONTH.
I MEAN, IT'S INSANE.
THE WHOLE THING IS INSANE.
I MEAN, SOMEDAY US REGULAR PEOPLE, WE OUGHT TO GET SMART, YOU KNOW, AND AUDIT THEM.
YEAH.
YEAH.
I'M SORRY, MA'AM, UH, I DIDN'T GET YOUR NAME.
YOU DON'T NEED HER NAME.
COME ON.
NO, DAN.
I'M NOT GOING TO BE INTIMIDATED BY THAT LITTLE WEASEL.
HONEY, THIS ISN'T THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.
NO, NO.
I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.
EXCUSE ME, RABBI.
I AM NOT AFRAID TO TELL YOU MY NAME.
IT'S WAGNER WITH A "W.
" ALL RIGHT.
YEAH.
MRS.
NORRIS T.
WAGNER.
MRS.
NORRIS T.
WAGNER.
COME, NORRIS.
YES, DEAR.
PRESENTING, NEW FOR 1989, YOUR INCOME TAX RETURN.
PAGES AND PAGES OF FABULOUS PRINT ON OUR OWN HIGH-QUALITY BOND, BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.
AH.
YOUR PEN--A BIC CLIC-- RETAILING FOR 98 CENTS, AVAILABLE AT THE BOTTOM OF ANY OF ONE OF MOM'S POCKETBOOKS.
THANK YOU, VANNA.
AND NOW WAGNER.
MOVE IT OUT.
ALL RIGHT.
JACKETS.
SO DID YOU GUYS CHEAT? YEAH.
RICH PEOPLE RIP OFF THE GOVERNMENT.
WHY SHOULDN'T WE? OH, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT? OFF OF ONE OF YOUR DYLAN ALBUMS.
NOBODY CHEATED.
GET IN THE CAR.
HOPE YOU DON'T GET AN AUDIT.
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
HI.
I'M JOHN GOODMAN.
THANK YOU.
WHAT YOU'VE JUST SEEN WAS A PLAY, A SILLY LITTLE PLAY CHOCK-FULL OF JOKES AND JUST FOR FUN, JUST FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT.
I PERSONALLY HAVE NOTHING BUT THE UTMOST RESPECT FOR THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE AND ALL OF ITS DEDICATED WORKERS BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT'S THE GREAT GUYS AND GALS AT THE IRS THAT KEEP AMERICA ROLLING.
SEE, IT'S LIKE THIS.
I GOT A CONTRACT WITH A PRODUCTION COMPANY, AND THEY HIRE WRITERS WHO PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH.
FOR EXAMPLE, EARLY IN THE SHOW I GO-- IT WAS MY JOB TO SAY-- "IT'S A STUPID SYSTEM RUN BY STUPID PEOPLE," RIGHT? LIKE I BELIEVE THAT.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING I SAID ON THE SHOW.
IT WAS MY JOB AS AN ACTOR.
SO I BEG YOU, PLEASE DO NOT CONFUSE HARDWORKING, RESPONSIBLE, TAXPAYING JOHN GOODMAN WITH THAT LOVABLE BUT NAUGHTY SCAMP DAN CONNER.
SO, TO THE MEN AND WOMEN AT THE IRS, MY HAT'S OFF TO YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOD BLESS.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL