Roseanne s02e24 Episode Script
Happy Birthday
SOMEONE'S GOT A SPECIAL DAY COMING UP.
OH? MM-HMM, AND I KNOW WHO.
GIVE ME A BREAK, CRYSTAL.
ROSEANNE, IS IT YOUR BIRTHDAY? SATURDAY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROSEANNE.
HOW OLD ARE YOU GONNA BE? WELL, UH DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING SPECIAL PLANNED? I DON'T KNOW.
CRYSTAL? LISTEN-- AS MY PRESENT, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU SATURDAY OFF.
NO.
I INSIST.
HERE YOU GO! OH! WOO! MAKE A WISH.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROSEANNE.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
OK.
I WISH THAT, UH, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE GIVING ME SATURDAY OFF, THAT I WOULD STILL GET PAID FOR IT.
OF COURSE YOU WILL.
AAH! WHOO-HOO! WHAT DID YOU WISH, ROSEANNE? DON'T TELL, ROSEANNE.
IT'S BAD LUCK.
IT'S BAD LUCK NOT TO TELL.
MAYBE YOU WON'T GET PAID FOR THAT DAY OFF.
WELL, I WISHED FOR TIME.
TIMEFOR WHAT? I USED TO DO ALL THIS WRITING, YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
ROSEANNE'S A TERRIFIC WRITER.
OH! WHAT DO YOU WRITE, ROXANNE? NOTHING NOW, BUT I USED TO WRITE A LOT WHEN I WAS, YOU KNOW, YOUNGER.
YEAH? LIKE WHAT? LIKE THESE POEMS AND STORIES AND JUNK LIKE THAT.
WHATEVER MY BRAIN WOULD CHURN OUT.
YOU KNOW, MY NEPHEW ROGER DOES CALLIGRAPHY.
DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS CONVERSATION? WELL, HE DOES WEDDING INVITATIONS AND MAKES A FORTUNE! THE ANSWER IS NO.
SO HOW COME YOU STOPPED WRITING? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS-- I WAS WRITING THIS ONE DAY, YOU KNOW, AND A GRENADE WENT OFF IN MY HAND.
OHH.
I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS.
HOW COME YOU DID STOP? WELL, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, WITH WORK AND DAN AND THE KIDS-- I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME.
CAN'T YOU DO A LITTLE WRITING BEFORE YOU COME TO WORK IN THE MORNING? NO.
'CAUSE ME AND DAN HAVE TO GO WALKING, AND THEN I COME HOME AND I GOT BREAKFAST, AND I GOT THE KIDS' LUNCHES BEST TIME TO BE CREATIVE IS RIGHT AFTER YOU GET OFF WORK, YOU KNOW.
WHILE YOU'RE STILL FULL OF RAGE.
CAN'T YOU DO A LITTLE WRITING BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP? NO.
I LIKE TO DO SOMETHING ELSE BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP.
HOO HOO HOO.
SURELY NOT EVERY NIGHT, ROXANNE.
OH, YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT US POOR PEOPLE DO.
WE DON'T HAVE VCRs.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS.]
OK.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS? THE SPLITTING HEADACHES.
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS SONG? POUNDING.
SO BASICALLY, WE'RE LISTENING TO POUNDING BY THE SPLITTING HEADACHES? OHH! OH, MY GOD.
HERE IT IS.
DAN! DAN! DAN! HEY, DAN! COME HERE.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND.
COMING, MOTHER.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU FOUND A DUSTY BOOK IN THE BASEMENT.
NO, IT'S NOT JUST A DUSTY BOOK.
IT'S MY OLD JOURNAL.
I STARTED WRITING IN IT IN '65.
OH, WOW.
TIME WARP.
LOOKIT.
LOOKIT HERE-- I GOT A WHOLE PAGE ABOUT GARY PUCKETT AND THE UNION GAP.
HEY, YOU CAN'T SEE IT.
IT'S PRIVATE.
LISTEN TO THIS--OHH, HEY, TURN THAT DOWN.
HEY, HEY.
AIR RAID.
END OF WAR.
THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.
I'VE GOT TROOPS COMING IN FROM THE NORTH.
THAT MAY BE, BUT "BY THE YEAR 1983, WHEN I TURN 30, "I VOW TO ACCOMPLISH THE FOLLOWING-- "FALL IN LOVE WITH A WARM, SEXY, LOVING MAN "WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT MONEY BUT HAS A TON OF IT.
" WELL, I WAS ONLY 17.
WELL, SO CONTINUE.
OK, AND 2-- "I WILL LIVE ON A "WITH A PRIVATE SECRETARY, COOK, AND ALSO MAYBE A FARMER.
" YOU WANTED TO BE A FARMER? WELL, I WANTED TO LIVE ON A FARM AND OWN A FARM, AND LOOK AT A FARM, BUT NOT DO ANY OF THE ACTUAL TOUCHING OF ANIMALS OR ANY OF THAT STUFF.
AND 3--"I WILL BE A FAMOUS WRITER.
" YOU WANTED TO BE A WRITER? YEAH.
YEAH, I DID.
HEY.
HEY.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? NOTHING.
COME ON, ROSEANNE.
YOU WERE CLEANING OUT THE BASEMENT, HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE.
NOW YOU'RE ALL BUMMED OUT.
I USED TO WRITE, DAN.
I USED TO WRITE EVERY DAY.
YEAH.
I REMEMBER.
I MEAN, THIS BOOK IS ME.
MY SOUL'S IN THERE.
I USED TO WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING I WAS EVER THINKING ABOUT.
SO NOW YOU FOUND IT, YOU CAN WRITE IN IT SOME MORE.
WHEN? I MEAN, I GOT A JOB, WE'RE NOT GOING TO LIVE FOREVER.
I DON'T KNOW.
WRITING WAS JUST SOMETHING THAT REALLY GAVE ME A LOT OF PLEASURE, THEN I JUST GAVE IT UP.
WELL, YOU GIVE ALL YOUR TIME TO YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR JOB.
YOU GOT A LIFE.
I GOT LAZY.
YOU GOT LAZY.
NO, I DIDN'T GET LAZY.
DID NOT GET LAZY.
OK.
I DID GET LAZY.
OK, BUT DON'T PATRONIZE ME.
I AM PATRONIZING YOU, 'CAUSE EVERY TIME YOU CLEAN OUT A CLOSET, I PAY THE PRICE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THIS CLEANING JAG YOU'RE ON.
I GOT AN EVEN NUMBER OF SOCKS IN MY SOCK DRAWER, ALL FOLDED THE SAME WAY IN LITTLE STACKS ARRANGED BY HUE.
SO SUE ME FOR TRYING TO PUT ORDER INTO YOUR DRAWERS.
THIS IS A BIRTHDAY THING, ISN'T IT? NO, THIS ISN'T A BIRTHDAY THING.
ROSEANNE.
DAN.
SO HOW OLD ARE YOU GONNA BE THIS YEAR, MOM? HEH.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU'RE NOT TURNING 40.
MAYBE NOT THIS YEAR, BUT IN A FEW YEARS.
WOW! SO, LIKE, YOU WERE ALIVE IN THE FIFTIES? THAT'S 5 TIMES OLDER THAN D.
J.
I COULD'VE LIVED MY LIFE 3 TIMES AND NOT BE AS OLD AS YOU.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET STARTED ON YOUR SECOND LIFE RIGHT NOW? HEY, IF YOU'RE MAKING OUT A SHOPPING LIST, I NEED SOME RAZORS-- THE KIND WITH THE COMFORT STRIP.
IT'S NOT A GROCERY LIST, DAN, I'M TRYING TO WRITE.
OH, YEAH? YEAH? THAT'S GREAT.
WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING? "IT'S 5:30 A.
M.
"THE HOUSE IS STILL AND QUIET "EXCEPT FOR AN INTERMITTENT RUMBLE "FROM THE BEDROOM, THE SNORE OF MY LIFE-MATE.
" I DON'T SNORE.
NO, DAN.
THIS IS FICTION.
WELL, I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU, BABE.
YOU'RE REALLY DOING IT.
MUTE, MUTE, MUTE.
SORRY.
THAT'S OK.
I'LL JUST GO IN THE LIVING ROOM.
NO, D.
J.
, GO EAT BREAKFAST BEFORE YOU START WATCHING TV.
I WANT TO EAT IN HERE.
HEY, DEEJ, YOUR MOM'S TRYING TO WRITE.
GO GET YOUR CEREAL AND WE'LL EAT IT IN HERE.
HONEY, YOU CAN HAVE THE KITCHEN BACK.
OH, GREAT.
MORNING, DAD.
HEY, BECK, BE REAL QUIET GOING IN THE KITCHEN.
YOUR MOM'S TRYING TO WRITE.
OK.
GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE! SHH! MOM'S TRYING TO WRITE.
WRITE WHAT? DARLENE.
DARLENE Have you seen my history book? Did you check on the washer? Of course I checked on the washer.
How about under the sofa? Yes, I checked under the sofa.
Did you look upstairs? Yes! How come you're always losing your stuff? WELL, ANSWER HER.
WELL, THIS BETTER BE GOOD.
I'M SURE EXCITED.
I HAVE HERE ONE SILK SCARF MADE OF GENUINE DACRON.
YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I HATE SURPRISES, ESPECIALLY WHEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.
YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THIS ONE.
DA DA DA DA DA YOU SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY DA DA DA DA DA IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, TOO, YEAH OH! YOU GOT THE BEATLES TO COME OVER! DA DA DA DA DA DA STEP.
DA DA DA DA DA DA STEP RIGHT THERE.
STEP.
AAH! STEP.
STEP.
OK.
NO STEP.
DA DA DA DA DA DA ALL RIGHT.
AAH.
All: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM! AH.
MY OWN DOOR! OPEN IT.
OK.
OH.
MY OWN DUNGEON.
IT'S AN OFFICE.
SO YOU CAN WRITE.
OH.
MY OWN OFFICE! YOU LIKE IT? IT'S MY OWN OFFICE! THIS IS SO YOU DON'T BOTHER US WHEN YOU WRITE.
OH, IT'S JUST GREAT.
IT'S FANTASTIC! YEAH, I PUT ALL THESE SHELVES IN HERE FOR, UH, YOUR, UH, YOU KNOW, THE STUFF YOU WRITE.
MANUSCRIPTS.
MANUSCRIPTS.
HOW DID YOU DO THIS WITHOUT ME KNOWING? HEE HEE HEE HIC! WELL, THANK YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM.
HERE.
PENCILS.
OHH.
YEAH, AND I GOT YOU SOME NOTEPADS.
I GOT A DICTIONARY AND A THESAURUS.
AH, GEE, THIS IS LIKE THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY OR SOMETHING.
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE, I'M TAKING THE KIDS TO THE MALL FOR LUNCH AND A MOVIE, AND YOU GOT THE AFTERNOON TO YOURSELF TO WRITE.
WHAT, YOU'RE ALL LEAVING? GONE.
WE'LL MISS YOU.
I'LL MISS YOU, TOO.
NOW SCRAM.
YOU KNOW, STEPHEN KING STARTED THIS WAY.
OHH.
I'M 37 I'M NOT REALLY 40 NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH AND I'M SPENDING THE AFTERNOON ALL ALONE IN MY BASEMENT Jackie: ROSEANNE, YOU OUT HERE? HEY, COME TO THE WINDOW! I'M IN THE BASEMENT.
HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE? HEY, YOU KNOW, TODAY'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.
YOU'RE 37.
I KNOW.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HEY, LOOKIT.
DAN MADE ME AN OFFICE SO'S I CAN WRITE.
YEAH, LOOKS GREAT.
MAYBE I SHOULD BRING YOU A CAKE WITH A FILE IN IT.
NO, IT'S GREAT.
LOOK, I GOT A DESK AND SHELVES AND EVERYTHING.
AND ON TOP OF THAT, HE UPS AND TAKES THE KIDS TO THE MALL SO'S, YOU KNOW, I CAN CONCENTRATE.
HOW'S IT GOING? YOU GETTING ANYTHING DONE? NO.
I'M GOING NUTS.
WELL, I DON'T WANT TO BREAK YOUR CONCENTRATION.
I JUST CAME BY TO WISH YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
SO I'LL STOP BY LATER, AND I CAN GIVE YOU MY PRESENT.
WELL, WHY CAN'T I OPEN IT NOW? I HAVEN'T BOUGHT IT YET.
OH, WELL.
I'M COMING UP.
ARE YOU IN NEED OF SOME STROKING? NO.
I'M JUST IN NEED OF, YOU KNOW, SOMETHING TO WRITE ABOUT.
I MEAN, I GOT A DOZEN SHARPENED DIXON-TICONDEROGA NUMBER 2s, AND NO IDEAS.
WELL, WHAT DID YOU USED TO WRITE ABOUT? MY LIFE AND STUFF, BUT I THINK IT WAS JUST MORE INTERESTING THEN.
NO.
CUT IT OUT.
I DON'T KNOW.
I--I THINK I SHOULDN'T START BIG, MAYBE.
SHOULDN'T START SO BIG, LIKE, BY WRITING.
I SHOULD START MAYBE SMALLER BY PLAGIARIZING.
YOU KNOW, ROSEANNE, I'VE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT WRITING FROM THE POLICE REPORTS.
THEY'VE GOT TO BE CONVINCING.
THEY'VE GOT TO BE ACCURATE.
THEY'VE GOT TO BE AT LEAST 2 PAGES LONG OR ELSE JUDGE SAMUELS ISN'T GOING TO TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY.
SO, WHAT I FOUND IS, THE BEST WAY TO START OUT IS BY THE FACTS.
WHAT FACTS? FACTS--EV-- W-W-WHAT ARE THE FACTS IN GONE WITH THE WIND? WELL, HEH, I THINK WE'RE TALKING ABOUT LITERATURE HERE AND NOT THE MOVIES.
IT WAS A BOOK.
GONE WITH THE WIND WAS A BOOK? YEAH.
SO YOU LOOK AT THE FACTS.
WHAT ARE THE FACTS? YOU GOT THE NORTH, THE SOUTH, THE TROOPS, THE HORSES, A STAIRCASE, BIRTHIN' BABIES, AND A BIG FIRE.
YOU'RE KIDDING ME, IT WAS A BOOK? SEE, EVERYTHING'S GOT FACTS AND EVENTS AND PEOPLE IN THE EVENTS.
SO YOU TAKE THE PEOPLE IN THE EVENTS AND THEN YOU PUT THEM IN THE ORDER THAT THE FACTS HAPPEN, AND THEN YOU'RE DONE.
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED IF GONE WITH THE WIND WASN'T A BOOK.
SO HOW'D YOU LIKE YOUR DINNER, MOM? OH, IT WAS REALLY GREAT.
AND I'LL LIKE IT EVEN MORE WHEN IT'S ALL CLEANED UP.
COME ON, DARLENE, YOU GOT TO HELP.
WHY DO I HAVE TO HELP? DARLENE, GET TO WORK.
SO WHEN DO WE GET TO SEE WHAT YOU WROTE TODAY? UH, SOON AS THE MOVIE COMES OUT.
NO, WE WANT TO READ IT.
WELL, YOU CAN'T READ IT A PIECE AT A TIME.
YOU GOT TO WAIT TILL THE WHOLE BOOK IS FINISHED.
Dan: YOU WRITING THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL? WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM AND WITH THAT NEW OFFICE YOU LIKE THAT OFFICE? THAT IS A PERFECT OFFICE.
SO EVERYTHING'S WORKING OUT OK, HUH? YOU GOT THE TIME, YOU GOT THE PLACE-- NOT A BAD BIRTHDAY PRESENT, HUH? GOOD HUBBY.
GOOD HUBBY! ARF! I'LL TELL YOU, THAT IS SUCH A GREAT OFFICE, SOMETIMES I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I'M SITTING DOWN THERE AND JUST LOOKING AT THOSE WALLS IN WONDERMENT.
AS LONG AS YOU'RE GETTING TO WRITE.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER DOWN THERE TODAY.
THE PAGES WERE JUST POURING OUT.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TITLE YOUR BOOK? 101 THINGS TO DO WITH KIDS' HEADS.
YOU KNOW, WRITING ISN'T EASY.
THAT'S THE TRUTH.
ESPECIALLY THEM Hs.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP USING YOUR HEAD AS AN ERASER.
MAYBE START USING DARLENE'S HEAD AS AN ERASER.
SO WEAK.
VERY WEAK.
YEAH.
DAVID, YOU GOT TO HELP.
MAKE ME.
HELP! SO WHEN DO I GET TO READ THIS MASTERPIECE? SOON AS I WRITE SOMETHING.
I THOUGHT SO.
YEAH, BUT YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT I DONE TO THEM SHELVES DOWN THERE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABE? YOU DIDN'T WRITE ANYTHING? IT'S NOT THE OFFICE, IS IT? OH, NO, HONEY, NO, IT ISN'T THE OFFICE, IT'S ME.
I GET SOME GOOD IDEA, BUT AS SOON AS I WRITE IT DOWN, IT TURNS OUT STUPID.
ROSEANNE, DON'T START GETTING DOWN ON YOURSELF.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, PITCHERS DON'T GO DOWN TO FLORIDA IN FEBRUARY AND START THROWING HEAT.
[KIDS FIGHTING.]
HEY, CAN IT! Darlene: SORRY.
WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK I HAVE IT ANYMORE.
YOU KNOW, I'M SITTING THERE, I'M TRYING TO THINK OF SOMETHING, I'M TRYING TO GET AN IDEA, THE ONLY THING THAT COMES INTO MY HEAD IS THAT I GOT TO TAKE EITHER D.
J.
OR DARLENE TO THE DENTIST OR SOMETHING.
Darlene: GET OFF OF ME BEFORE I KICK YOUR HEAD IN! I JUST DON'T THINK I HAVE ANY ROOM FOR CREATING.
ALL MY COMPARTMENTS ARE TOO FULL UP.
I'M 37 YEARS OLD AND I'M A MOM.
THAT'S WHAT I AM.
HEY, DARLENE, GET OFF YOUR BROTHER.
COME ON, D.
J.
, WE'RE GOING UP TO BED.
OK.
READ TO ME.
YEAH, JUST DON'T ASK ME TO WRITE TO YOU.
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, WHAT WILL IT BE? THE ADVENTURES OF P.
J.
PAMMEWACK.
OH.
OK.
WELL, MOVE YOUR BUTT OVER.
YOU'RE HOGGING THE BED.
OK.
OHH, WELL ONCE THERE WAS A LITTLE KID NAMED P.
J.
PAMMEWACK.
AND HIS INITIALS WERE CLOSE TO THIS ONE KID I KNOW.
ME.
RIGHT.
AND HE WAS ALSO IN THE THIRD GRADE, LIKE THIS OTHER KID I KNOW.
ME.
YEAH.
AND ONE DAY, IT SEEMS P.
J.
WAS IN HIS FORT WHICH WAS IN WHATEVER WAS LEFT OF THE AMAZON RAIN FOREST.
AND IT WAS 8:00 IN THE MORNING, SO HE'D ALREADY FIRED THE MORNING CANNON, YOU KNOW, TO SCARE OFF ANY INTRUDERS THAT MIGHT BE COMING IN THERE TRYING TO STEAL HIS COLLECTION OF WAR TOYS.
INTRUDERS? YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE BAD GUYS LIKE--LIKE BEK DAR, THE 2-HEADED EVIL SISTER MONSTER.
OH, NO! OH, YES! AND THE CANNON WAS FIRED.
BOOM! AND FROM OUT OF THE JUNGLE CAME A TERRIBLE NOISE.
FIRST THERE WAS A RUMBLE.
AND A GRUMBLE.
AND A HMM.
I DON'T KNOW.
A HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM.
SCREE-REE-REE! THE SCREAM OF A HUGE, GREAT BIG BIRD.
MOM, HOW COME P.
J.
PAMMEWACK ISN'T IN THE LIBRARY? BECAUSE IT'S NOT A BOOK.
IT'S JUST SOME STORIES I MAKE UP.
WELL, IT SHOULD BE A BOOK.
YOU THINK SO? YEAH.
DID I EVER TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE MY FAVORITE SON? STORY! RIGHT.
SO THIS HUGE BIRD SWOOPS OUT OF THE JUNGLE Dan: ROSEANNE? ROSIE? ROSEANNE? ROSEANNE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP HERE? IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT.
WH-WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THE OFFICE? CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
OH? MM-HMM, AND I KNOW WHO.
GIVE ME A BREAK, CRYSTAL.
ROSEANNE, IS IT YOUR BIRTHDAY? SATURDAY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROSEANNE.
HOW OLD ARE YOU GONNA BE? WELL, UH DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING SPECIAL PLANNED? I DON'T KNOW.
CRYSTAL? LISTEN-- AS MY PRESENT, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU SATURDAY OFF.
NO.
I INSIST.
HERE YOU GO! OH! WOO! MAKE A WISH.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROSEANNE.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
OK.
I WISH THAT, UH, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE GIVING ME SATURDAY OFF, THAT I WOULD STILL GET PAID FOR IT.
OF COURSE YOU WILL.
AAH! WHOO-HOO! WHAT DID YOU WISH, ROSEANNE? DON'T TELL, ROSEANNE.
IT'S BAD LUCK.
IT'S BAD LUCK NOT TO TELL.
MAYBE YOU WON'T GET PAID FOR THAT DAY OFF.
WELL, I WISHED FOR TIME.
TIMEFOR WHAT? I USED TO DO ALL THIS WRITING, YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
ROSEANNE'S A TERRIFIC WRITER.
OH! WHAT DO YOU WRITE, ROXANNE? NOTHING NOW, BUT I USED TO WRITE A LOT WHEN I WAS, YOU KNOW, YOUNGER.
YEAH? LIKE WHAT? LIKE THESE POEMS AND STORIES AND JUNK LIKE THAT.
WHATEVER MY BRAIN WOULD CHURN OUT.
YOU KNOW, MY NEPHEW ROGER DOES CALLIGRAPHY.
DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS CONVERSATION? WELL, HE DOES WEDDING INVITATIONS AND MAKES A FORTUNE! THE ANSWER IS NO.
SO HOW COME YOU STOPPED WRITING? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS-- I WAS WRITING THIS ONE DAY, YOU KNOW, AND A GRENADE WENT OFF IN MY HAND.
OHH.
I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS.
HOW COME YOU DID STOP? WELL, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, WITH WORK AND DAN AND THE KIDS-- I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME.
CAN'T YOU DO A LITTLE WRITING BEFORE YOU COME TO WORK IN THE MORNING? NO.
'CAUSE ME AND DAN HAVE TO GO WALKING, AND THEN I COME HOME AND I GOT BREAKFAST, AND I GOT THE KIDS' LUNCHES BEST TIME TO BE CREATIVE IS RIGHT AFTER YOU GET OFF WORK, YOU KNOW.
WHILE YOU'RE STILL FULL OF RAGE.
CAN'T YOU DO A LITTLE WRITING BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP? NO.
I LIKE TO DO SOMETHING ELSE BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP.
HOO HOO HOO.
SURELY NOT EVERY NIGHT, ROXANNE.
OH, YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT US POOR PEOPLE DO.
WE DON'T HAVE VCRs.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS.]
OK.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS? THE SPLITTING HEADACHES.
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS SONG? POUNDING.
SO BASICALLY, WE'RE LISTENING TO POUNDING BY THE SPLITTING HEADACHES? OHH! OH, MY GOD.
HERE IT IS.
DAN! DAN! DAN! HEY, DAN! COME HERE.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND.
COMING, MOTHER.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU FOUND A DUSTY BOOK IN THE BASEMENT.
NO, IT'S NOT JUST A DUSTY BOOK.
IT'S MY OLD JOURNAL.
I STARTED WRITING IN IT IN '65.
OH, WOW.
TIME WARP.
LOOKIT.
LOOKIT HERE-- I GOT A WHOLE PAGE ABOUT GARY PUCKETT AND THE UNION GAP.
HEY, YOU CAN'T SEE IT.
IT'S PRIVATE.
LISTEN TO THIS--OHH, HEY, TURN THAT DOWN.
HEY, HEY.
AIR RAID.
END OF WAR.
THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.
I'VE GOT TROOPS COMING IN FROM THE NORTH.
THAT MAY BE, BUT "BY THE YEAR 1983, WHEN I TURN 30, "I VOW TO ACCOMPLISH THE FOLLOWING-- "FALL IN LOVE WITH A WARM, SEXY, LOVING MAN "WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT MONEY BUT HAS A TON OF IT.
" WELL, I WAS ONLY 17.
WELL, SO CONTINUE.
OK, AND 2-- "I WILL LIVE ON A "WITH A PRIVATE SECRETARY, COOK, AND ALSO MAYBE A FARMER.
" YOU WANTED TO BE A FARMER? WELL, I WANTED TO LIVE ON A FARM AND OWN A FARM, AND LOOK AT A FARM, BUT NOT DO ANY OF THE ACTUAL TOUCHING OF ANIMALS OR ANY OF THAT STUFF.
AND 3--"I WILL BE A FAMOUS WRITER.
" YOU WANTED TO BE A WRITER? YEAH.
YEAH, I DID.
HEY.
HEY.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? NOTHING.
COME ON, ROSEANNE.
YOU WERE CLEANING OUT THE BASEMENT, HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE.
NOW YOU'RE ALL BUMMED OUT.
I USED TO WRITE, DAN.
I USED TO WRITE EVERY DAY.
YEAH.
I REMEMBER.
I MEAN, THIS BOOK IS ME.
MY SOUL'S IN THERE.
I USED TO WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING I WAS EVER THINKING ABOUT.
SO NOW YOU FOUND IT, YOU CAN WRITE IN IT SOME MORE.
WHEN? I MEAN, I GOT A JOB, WE'RE NOT GOING TO LIVE FOREVER.
I DON'T KNOW.
WRITING WAS JUST SOMETHING THAT REALLY GAVE ME A LOT OF PLEASURE, THEN I JUST GAVE IT UP.
WELL, YOU GIVE ALL YOUR TIME TO YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR JOB.
YOU GOT A LIFE.
I GOT LAZY.
YOU GOT LAZY.
NO, I DIDN'T GET LAZY.
DID NOT GET LAZY.
OK.
I DID GET LAZY.
OK, BUT DON'T PATRONIZE ME.
I AM PATRONIZING YOU, 'CAUSE EVERY TIME YOU CLEAN OUT A CLOSET, I PAY THE PRICE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THIS CLEANING JAG YOU'RE ON.
I GOT AN EVEN NUMBER OF SOCKS IN MY SOCK DRAWER, ALL FOLDED THE SAME WAY IN LITTLE STACKS ARRANGED BY HUE.
SO SUE ME FOR TRYING TO PUT ORDER INTO YOUR DRAWERS.
THIS IS A BIRTHDAY THING, ISN'T IT? NO, THIS ISN'T A BIRTHDAY THING.
ROSEANNE.
DAN.
SO HOW OLD ARE YOU GONNA BE THIS YEAR, MOM? HEH.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU'RE NOT TURNING 40.
MAYBE NOT THIS YEAR, BUT IN A FEW YEARS.
WOW! SO, LIKE, YOU WERE ALIVE IN THE FIFTIES? THAT'S 5 TIMES OLDER THAN D.
J.
I COULD'VE LIVED MY LIFE 3 TIMES AND NOT BE AS OLD AS YOU.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET STARTED ON YOUR SECOND LIFE RIGHT NOW? HEY, IF YOU'RE MAKING OUT A SHOPPING LIST, I NEED SOME RAZORS-- THE KIND WITH THE COMFORT STRIP.
IT'S NOT A GROCERY LIST, DAN, I'M TRYING TO WRITE.
OH, YEAH? YEAH? THAT'S GREAT.
WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING? "IT'S 5:30 A.
M.
"THE HOUSE IS STILL AND QUIET "EXCEPT FOR AN INTERMITTENT RUMBLE "FROM THE BEDROOM, THE SNORE OF MY LIFE-MATE.
" I DON'T SNORE.
NO, DAN.
THIS IS FICTION.
WELL, I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU, BABE.
YOU'RE REALLY DOING IT.
MUTE, MUTE, MUTE.
SORRY.
THAT'S OK.
I'LL JUST GO IN THE LIVING ROOM.
NO, D.
J.
, GO EAT BREAKFAST BEFORE YOU START WATCHING TV.
I WANT TO EAT IN HERE.
HEY, DEEJ, YOUR MOM'S TRYING TO WRITE.
GO GET YOUR CEREAL AND WE'LL EAT IT IN HERE.
HONEY, YOU CAN HAVE THE KITCHEN BACK.
OH, GREAT.
MORNING, DAD.
HEY, BECK, BE REAL QUIET GOING IN THE KITCHEN.
YOUR MOM'S TRYING TO WRITE.
OK.
GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE! SHH! MOM'S TRYING TO WRITE.
WRITE WHAT? DARLENE.
DARLENE Have you seen my history book? Did you check on the washer? Of course I checked on the washer.
How about under the sofa? Yes, I checked under the sofa.
Did you look upstairs? Yes! How come you're always losing your stuff? WELL, ANSWER HER.
WELL, THIS BETTER BE GOOD.
I'M SURE EXCITED.
I HAVE HERE ONE SILK SCARF MADE OF GENUINE DACRON.
YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I HATE SURPRISES, ESPECIALLY WHEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.
YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THIS ONE.
DA DA DA DA DA YOU SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY DA DA DA DA DA IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, TOO, YEAH OH! YOU GOT THE BEATLES TO COME OVER! DA DA DA DA DA DA STEP.
DA DA DA DA DA DA STEP RIGHT THERE.
STEP.
AAH! STEP.
STEP.
OK.
NO STEP.
DA DA DA DA DA DA ALL RIGHT.
AAH.
All: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM! AH.
MY OWN DOOR! OPEN IT.
OK.
OH.
MY OWN DUNGEON.
IT'S AN OFFICE.
SO YOU CAN WRITE.
OH.
MY OWN OFFICE! YOU LIKE IT? IT'S MY OWN OFFICE! THIS IS SO YOU DON'T BOTHER US WHEN YOU WRITE.
OH, IT'S JUST GREAT.
IT'S FANTASTIC! YEAH, I PUT ALL THESE SHELVES IN HERE FOR, UH, YOUR, UH, YOU KNOW, THE STUFF YOU WRITE.
MANUSCRIPTS.
MANUSCRIPTS.
HOW DID YOU DO THIS WITHOUT ME KNOWING? HEE HEE HEE HIC! WELL, THANK YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM.
HERE.
PENCILS.
OHH.
YEAH, AND I GOT YOU SOME NOTEPADS.
I GOT A DICTIONARY AND A THESAURUS.
AH, GEE, THIS IS LIKE THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY OR SOMETHING.
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE, I'M TAKING THE KIDS TO THE MALL FOR LUNCH AND A MOVIE, AND YOU GOT THE AFTERNOON TO YOURSELF TO WRITE.
WHAT, YOU'RE ALL LEAVING? GONE.
WE'LL MISS YOU.
I'LL MISS YOU, TOO.
NOW SCRAM.
YOU KNOW, STEPHEN KING STARTED THIS WAY.
OHH.
I'M 37 I'M NOT REALLY 40 NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH AND I'M SPENDING THE AFTERNOON ALL ALONE IN MY BASEMENT Jackie: ROSEANNE, YOU OUT HERE? HEY, COME TO THE WINDOW! I'M IN THE BASEMENT.
HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE? HEY, YOU KNOW, TODAY'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.
YOU'RE 37.
I KNOW.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HEY, LOOKIT.
DAN MADE ME AN OFFICE SO'S I CAN WRITE.
YEAH, LOOKS GREAT.
MAYBE I SHOULD BRING YOU A CAKE WITH A FILE IN IT.
NO, IT'S GREAT.
LOOK, I GOT A DESK AND SHELVES AND EVERYTHING.
AND ON TOP OF THAT, HE UPS AND TAKES THE KIDS TO THE MALL SO'S, YOU KNOW, I CAN CONCENTRATE.
HOW'S IT GOING? YOU GETTING ANYTHING DONE? NO.
I'M GOING NUTS.
WELL, I DON'T WANT TO BREAK YOUR CONCENTRATION.
I JUST CAME BY TO WISH YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
SO I'LL STOP BY LATER, AND I CAN GIVE YOU MY PRESENT.
WELL, WHY CAN'T I OPEN IT NOW? I HAVEN'T BOUGHT IT YET.
OH, WELL.
I'M COMING UP.
ARE YOU IN NEED OF SOME STROKING? NO.
I'M JUST IN NEED OF, YOU KNOW, SOMETHING TO WRITE ABOUT.
I MEAN, I GOT A DOZEN SHARPENED DIXON-TICONDEROGA NUMBER 2s, AND NO IDEAS.
WELL, WHAT DID YOU USED TO WRITE ABOUT? MY LIFE AND STUFF, BUT I THINK IT WAS JUST MORE INTERESTING THEN.
NO.
CUT IT OUT.
I DON'T KNOW.
I--I THINK I SHOULDN'T START BIG, MAYBE.
SHOULDN'T START SO BIG, LIKE, BY WRITING.
I SHOULD START MAYBE SMALLER BY PLAGIARIZING.
YOU KNOW, ROSEANNE, I'VE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT WRITING FROM THE POLICE REPORTS.
THEY'VE GOT TO BE CONVINCING.
THEY'VE GOT TO BE ACCURATE.
THEY'VE GOT TO BE AT LEAST 2 PAGES LONG OR ELSE JUDGE SAMUELS ISN'T GOING TO TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY.
SO, WHAT I FOUND IS, THE BEST WAY TO START OUT IS BY THE FACTS.
WHAT FACTS? FACTS--EV-- W-W-WHAT ARE THE FACTS IN GONE WITH THE WIND? WELL, HEH, I THINK WE'RE TALKING ABOUT LITERATURE HERE AND NOT THE MOVIES.
IT WAS A BOOK.
GONE WITH THE WIND WAS A BOOK? YEAH.
SO YOU LOOK AT THE FACTS.
WHAT ARE THE FACTS? YOU GOT THE NORTH, THE SOUTH, THE TROOPS, THE HORSES, A STAIRCASE, BIRTHIN' BABIES, AND A BIG FIRE.
YOU'RE KIDDING ME, IT WAS A BOOK? SEE, EVERYTHING'S GOT FACTS AND EVENTS AND PEOPLE IN THE EVENTS.
SO YOU TAKE THE PEOPLE IN THE EVENTS AND THEN YOU PUT THEM IN THE ORDER THAT THE FACTS HAPPEN, AND THEN YOU'RE DONE.
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED IF GONE WITH THE WIND WASN'T A BOOK.
SO HOW'D YOU LIKE YOUR DINNER, MOM? OH, IT WAS REALLY GREAT.
AND I'LL LIKE IT EVEN MORE WHEN IT'S ALL CLEANED UP.
COME ON, DARLENE, YOU GOT TO HELP.
WHY DO I HAVE TO HELP? DARLENE, GET TO WORK.
SO WHEN DO WE GET TO SEE WHAT YOU WROTE TODAY? UH, SOON AS THE MOVIE COMES OUT.
NO, WE WANT TO READ IT.
WELL, YOU CAN'T READ IT A PIECE AT A TIME.
YOU GOT TO WAIT TILL THE WHOLE BOOK IS FINISHED.
Dan: YOU WRITING THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL? WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM AND WITH THAT NEW OFFICE YOU LIKE THAT OFFICE? THAT IS A PERFECT OFFICE.
SO EVERYTHING'S WORKING OUT OK, HUH? YOU GOT THE TIME, YOU GOT THE PLACE-- NOT A BAD BIRTHDAY PRESENT, HUH? GOOD HUBBY.
GOOD HUBBY! ARF! I'LL TELL YOU, THAT IS SUCH A GREAT OFFICE, SOMETIMES I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I'M SITTING DOWN THERE AND JUST LOOKING AT THOSE WALLS IN WONDERMENT.
AS LONG AS YOU'RE GETTING TO WRITE.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER DOWN THERE TODAY.
THE PAGES WERE JUST POURING OUT.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TITLE YOUR BOOK? 101 THINGS TO DO WITH KIDS' HEADS.
YOU KNOW, WRITING ISN'T EASY.
THAT'S THE TRUTH.
ESPECIALLY THEM Hs.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP USING YOUR HEAD AS AN ERASER.
MAYBE START USING DARLENE'S HEAD AS AN ERASER.
SO WEAK.
VERY WEAK.
YEAH.
DAVID, YOU GOT TO HELP.
MAKE ME.
HELP! SO WHEN DO I GET TO READ THIS MASTERPIECE? SOON AS I WRITE SOMETHING.
I THOUGHT SO.
YEAH, BUT YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT I DONE TO THEM SHELVES DOWN THERE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABE? YOU DIDN'T WRITE ANYTHING? IT'S NOT THE OFFICE, IS IT? OH, NO, HONEY, NO, IT ISN'T THE OFFICE, IT'S ME.
I GET SOME GOOD IDEA, BUT AS SOON AS I WRITE IT DOWN, IT TURNS OUT STUPID.
ROSEANNE, DON'T START GETTING DOWN ON YOURSELF.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, PITCHERS DON'T GO DOWN TO FLORIDA IN FEBRUARY AND START THROWING HEAT.
[KIDS FIGHTING.]
HEY, CAN IT! Darlene: SORRY.
WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK I HAVE IT ANYMORE.
YOU KNOW, I'M SITTING THERE, I'M TRYING TO THINK OF SOMETHING, I'M TRYING TO GET AN IDEA, THE ONLY THING THAT COMES INTO MY HEAD IS THAT I GOT TO TAKE EITHER D.
J.
OR DARLENE TO THE DENTIST OR SOMETHING.
Darlene: GET OFF OF ME BEFORE I KICK YOUR HEAD IN! I JUST DON'T THINK I HAVE ANY ROOM FOR CREATING.
ALL MY COMPARTMENTS ARE TOO FULL UP.
I'M 37 YEARS OLD AND I'M A MOM.
THAT'S WHAT I AM.
HEY, DARLENE, GET OFF YOUR BROTHER.
COME ON, D.
J.
, WE'RE GOING UP TO BED.
OK.
READ TO ME.
YEAH, JUST DON'T ASK ME TO WRITE TO YOU.
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, WHAT WILL IT BE? THE ADVENTURES OF P.
J.
PAMMEWACK.
OH.
OK.
WELL, MOVE YOUR BUTT OVER.
YOU'RE HOGGING THE BED.
OK.
OHH, WELL ONCE THERE WAS A LITTLE KID NAMED P.
J.
PAMMEWACK.
AND HIS INITIALS WERE CLOSE TO THIS ONE KID I KNOW.
ME.
RIGHT.
AND HE WAS ALSO IN THE THIRD GRADE, LIKE THIS OTHER KID I KNOW.
ME.
YEAH.
AND ONE DAY, IT SEEMS P.
J.
WAS IN HIS FORT WHICH WAS IN WHATEVER WAS LEFT OF THE AMAZON RAIN FOREST.
AND IT WAS 8:00 IN THE MORNING, SO HE'D ALREADY FIRED THE MORNING CANNON, YOU KNOW, TO SCARE OFF ANY INTRUDERS THAT MIGHT BE COMING IN THERE TRYING TO STEAL HIS COLLECTION OF WAR TOYS.
INTRUDERS? YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE BAD GUYS LIKE--LIKE BEK DAR, THE 2-HEADED EVIL SISTER MONSTER.
OH, NO! OH, YES! AND THE CANNON WAS FIRED.
BOOM! AND FROM OUT OF THE JUNGLE CAME A TERRIBLE NOISE.
FIRST THERE WAS A RUMBLE.
AND A GRUMBLE.
AND A HMM.
I DON'T KNOW.
A HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM.
SCREE-REE-REE! THE SCREAM OF A HUGE, GREAT BIG BIRD.
MOM, HOW COME P.
J.
PAMMEWACK ISN'T IN THE LIBRARY? BECAUSE IT'S NOT A BOOK.
IT'S JUST SOME STORIES I MAKE UP.
WELL, IT SHOULD BE A BOOK.
YOU THINK SO? YEAH.
DID I EVER TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE MY FAVORITE SON? STORY! RIGHT.
SO THIS HUGE BIRD SWOOPS OUT OF THE JUNGLE Dan: ROSEANNE? ROSIE? ROSEANNE? ROSEANNE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP HERE? IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT.
WH-WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THE OFFICE? CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL