Roseanne s05e21 Episode Script

Mom, what are you still doing here? Jackie's helping me finish my new puzzle.
Look, Roseanne, marbles.
All marbles.
And get this: Each marble is just slightly different.
Well, why don't you guys take all your marbles there And move them off the table, 'cause we're going to eat dinner.
Oh, don't be a party pooper, Roseanne.
We can just eat around the puzzle.
It'll make dinner more fun.
Don't make me do this.
[garbage disposal.]
Roseanne, you wouldn't! It's getting heavy.
So you had a bad day.
That is no excuse to take it out on me.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemonade.
But when life gives you lemons Sourpuss, sourpuss, sourpuss! What's her problem lately? You think you've got it bad? Try living with the woman.
I came over here to get away from her.
She followed me.
I swear to god, she's sucking the very life right out of me.
Just a matter of time.
Everybody in the retirement village got to know her.
Now they're sending her back to us.
Well, can't she make any friends over there? I mean, don't they have, like, one deaf person Strapped down to something there? We have got to do something soon.
She is undoing a lot of expensive therapy.
Dinner! Let's go.
About time.
I'm wasting away here.
Okay, well, c'mon, let's go eat.
We'll see you later, mom.
See you tomorrow.
Oh, no, no, i'm not going.
I'll be fine out here.
Just have some tea and work on my puzzle.
But, well, you know how you hate to drive after dark.
Why don't you just take the puzzle and do it in the car While you're driving home? Nonsense.
If it gets dark before I finish the puzzle, I'll just sleep over.
Let's go here.
We're looking for corners.
[snaps.]
[laughing.]
Wow.
Wow.
Come here.
Come here, look.
What? This is so creepy.
Doesn't that look like elvis? How about a cup of coffee, jake? It's on the house.
I'll take a cream soda.
One cup of coffee and i'm up all afternoon.
Hello, girls.
Hi.
So, is he going to be our new dad Or is he just another one of your nooners? Don't.
Don't start with me, Roseanne.
That's jake from the retirement complex.
My battery was dead, so he drove me in.
That's all.
Well, she is 63.
I guess it's perfectly natural that she starts Getting interested in boys.
Roseanne, You don't think the two of them are Oh, gross.
No grosser than her doing it with dad.
[in unison.]
ewww! Maybe they're not.
Maybe they should.
Jackie, I think she needs a new little puzzle pal.
I'll give the bride away if you kick her down the aisle.
So, ma Is it getting serious? Has he introduced you to his parents yet? Please, girls, i'm not in the market.
I spent 40 years taking care of your father And i'm not going to do that again.
Well, relax.
In 40 years, all that guy's going to need Is just an occasional mowing.
C'mon, mom.
He's kind of cute.
He's like a big leprechaun.
He's got a cute butt.
Oh, please.
She's right, mom.
Fine set of cakes.
Well, he is a speed walker.
Hi, Jake.
I'm Roseanne and this is my sister Jackie.
We're Bev's daughters.
Well, I see where she gets her looks.
Gee, Jake, could you get that fork for me? Get a nice look at the caboose? I beg your pardon? I love to shock your mom.
I had quite enough shocking on the drive over.
Oh, Beverly, don't stop me if you've heard this one before.
Did you read about the lady who was so in love with a priest She followed him around a church and grabbed him by the organ? You put your teeth in that mouth? Hey, ma, I forgot to tell ya.
Dan wanted you to come bowling with us tonight.
I'd love to.
I'm sure i've still got one of your father's balls Around somewhere.
Alimony wasn't enough? Hey, ma, how about we bring Jake bowling with us? I'd love to go bowling.
And, Bev, if you want me to, i'll give you a ride.
I've got reclining seats.
I know what you mean by that.
Aw, come on.
You love it.
I could tell you the story about the milkmaids again.
I'm not listening.
This midget walks into a farm, I didn't hear a word-- [jake.]
who strips completely-- God, it's like they're feeding off each other.
[knocking at door.]
Hi.
Oh, hey.
Is Darlene around? I need to get an assignment from her.
No, she's at the library.
What is D.
J.
doing up? When I baby-sit, he's not allowed To watch American Gladiators.
It makes him want to wrestle.
Geez, one time.
I'll just hang out until Darlene gets back.
It might be a while.
Oh, you're working on your comic book? Yeah, kinda.
God, the women you draw are so beautiful.
I wish I had a body like that.
Yours is fine.
I mean, you know.
You're all You're in proportion.
Really? You're just saying that.
No, no.
I mean it.
Everything ends where it ends.
Thanks.
What are you doing? I thought you wanted me to.
I mean, the way you looked at me.
I didn't look at you any way.
I looked at you like this.
There was no way in how I looked at you.
David, everybody is out.
We can go to your room if you want.
Molly, what are you talking about? You know i'm going out with Darlene.
David, you're cute and you're smart.
And you deserve someone who doesn't sleep Hanging upside-down.
Hey, you don't know anything about Darlene and me.
I know she treats you like crap.
C'mon, that's not fair.
Darlene treats everyone like crap.
Come on, David.
She doesn't act like you're her boyfriend.
It's hard to tell you guys are even a couple.
That's not true.
We have big plans.
We're going to this art school in new york together.
Like you'll still be together in two years.
No, we're doing it now.
We're dropping out of high school As soon as we're accepted.
You're kidding.
You guys are really going to drop out-- [Roseanne.]
hi, David.
Hi, Molly.
D.
J.
, what are you doing up? Nothing.
I think I gotta go to bed now.
I better get going.
I can get the homework assignment from Darlene later.
Dan, did you hear that? Darlene went to school today! Well, I must say, I had a great time tonight.
Yeah, great time, great game.
But tiring.
Really, really tiring.
That couch looks like it's got my name on it.
[yawn.]
I just can't stop myself.
Oh, Dan, it's early, now.
And, mom, I think I see your name on the couch Right here next to jake.
Come on, mom, sit.
Sit, mom.
I'm fine standing.
Well, how about a drink? I'll get her all liquored up for ya.
Don't be ridiculous.
I only have the slightest nip on special occasions.
Yeah, like every time we celebrate dinner.
You could talk me into a cup of coffee, though.
We're out of coffee, bev.
I think we're out of coffee.
Yeah, we're out of coffee.
And tea, there's no tea.
Come to think of it, we don't have anything to eat or drink in the house.
And we're out of toiler paper.
Hey Look, look, look, A glass of water will be just fine.
And then, maybe, put a cherry in it.
Oh, that sounds good! I'll get some for everyone.
Dan, go show mom where we keep the cherries.
So, Jake, I think my mother really likes ya.
Yeah, every time she really likes somebody, She acts real rude and dull.
Well, then, I guess your husband is crazy about me, too.
Darlene? Out.
Can I ask you something? I told you, Deej.
You were placed with this family As part of a scientific experiment.
Eventually you'll be returned to the trees Where you can teach the others what you've learned.
Are you really gonna leave? What are you talking about? I heard David tell Molly that you're running away.
He told her that? He's dead.
Man, is he dead.
So are you running away? No, Deej, i'm not running away.
But I want you to promise me you won't tell mom and dad what David said.
Well, if it's not true, then why shouldn't I tell them? There's a couple ways we can deal with this.
I could grab you by the ears And bang your head against the wall, Which is getting a little old.
Or, for the first time in your life, you can act like an adult, Which is not going to be easy with that haircut.
I won't tell.
Thanks.
Darlene? What? Another thing happened.
Like? They kissed.
They kissed? Uh-huh.
On the lips? Uh-huh.
Did they do anything else? What else is there? David.
Oh, hey.
How was the library? It was okay.
I was reading this really stupid thing about this guy Who cheated on his girlfriend and Well, he told a really big secret.
So one night, his girlfriend snuck up behind him And stabbed him, like, You know, until her hand cramped up.
I didn't do anything, Darlene.
She kissed me.
Oh, please, i've seen you guys together.
You've been trying to get into each other's pants for months now.
I can't believe I trusted you to keep a secret.
I only told her about our plans Because she said we weren't serious about each other.
I was defending us.
Oh, so while you were telling her how serious we were, You were chewing the buttons off her blouse? This is insane.
You expect me to feel guilty, I didn't even do anything wrong.
Oh, well, I wouldn't want you to feel guilty, So here's good news: I'm breaking up with you.
So, what, that's it? We're not going to work on the comic book? We're not even going to hang out anymore together? We're breaking up, David.
It's over.
Gee, can we still not have sex? That i'll give ya.
Hey, what do you think you're doing? Forks go on the left.
Trouble in teen town? It's nothing.
David? You better tell us what you're fighting about.
Yeah, 'cause it's no fun till we can take sides.
It's kind of a long story.
Basically, before I could stop her, Molly kissed me.
[descending whistle.]
Oh, David, i'm so sorry that your last meal Is going to be meatloaf.
I didn't kiss her back, But Darlene broke up with me anyway.
I was completely right and she was completely wrong.
Well, David, it really doesn't matter Who's completely right and who's completely wrong.
See, it's your job as the man to apologize to her.
But it's not my fault.
Doesn't matter.
So what does she do? Well, she gets to forgive you.
She's the one who's wrong.
Doesn't matter.
All right, fine, i'll just go up there And apologize my guts out.
Take all the blame and pretend that i'm wrong.
At least i'll know i'm right.
[cups clanging.]
Don't stop me, folks, if you've heard this one.
Knock, knock.
Jake, what do you want to drink? Knock, knock.
We got cola or juice.
Roseanne, knock, knock.
Dan, someone's at the door for you.
A little busy here, honey.
D.
J.
, would you go see who's at the door? Got it.
And he's the one we're most proud of.
Hey, I said I was sorry.
Apologies don't count when mom made you do it.
All right, fine.
Then i'm not sorry.
You can go to hell.
Look, Dan, my advice worked! They're talking again.
There's no one at the door.
What are you-- What are you guys mad about? I don't want to talk about it.
No, i'd like to talk about it.
Boy, this brings back great memories.
My sister and I used to fight like this all the time.
So, come on.
What's your problem? I apologized, I thought we had made up, And she wouldn't even kiss me.
Well, none of this would have happened If he hadn't cheated on me.
My sister and I were never that close.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Jake, David's not one of our kids.
He's Darlene's boyfriend.
Oh.
Not boyfriend.
Ex-boyfriend.
I'm trapped in this house with my ex-boyfriend.
Well, you should have thought of that Before you asked him to move in here.
I'm only 16.
Why were you listening to me? Don't get mad at him.
This is all your fault, Darlene.
You're right, it is my fault, and i'm going to fix it.
I want him outta here, now.
David, get out.
Sit down, David.
If anybody gets to move out of this house, it'll be me.
[knocking on door.]
Can I come in? No, but you will.
Well, David told me about what happened with Molly And everything.
And Molly is really different than you, Darlene.
She's very forward, but I do believe what David said.
I also know why you're upset.
I'm not upset.
I'm not mad.
I'm not anything.
Yeah, well, I think you are.
But, you know, you always cover up all your feelings With some really lame jokes and some big, tough attitude.
I wonder where the hell you got that.
Please don't tell me i'm like you.
I'm depressed enough.
I mean, you know, if you're thinking of shutting down To keep all the bad stuff out, you gotta remember, Darlene, You're not letting any good stuff in, either.
Okay, fine, you want me to feel something? All right, i'm really mad at myself.
I mean, I told him I loved him.
What was I thinking? Well, I think you were just being honest About your feelings, you know? And I know how tough that is for you, Darlene, but You know, you really do love David.
And you know that he's totally crazy about you.
Well, big fat gold star.
Well, there's just no way to avoid it, Darlene.
Sometimes, you're going to have to go against Everything I ever taught you and learn to trust someone.
Even men.
And David trusts you, Darlene.
And I think you ought to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I just don't think one person is worth this much.
Well, I do.
I think you're worth this much.
And I think david's worth this much, too.
You know, I really, really like David.
I think he's really good for you.
You know, he brings out the Human in you.
You say that like it's a good thing.
This sucks.
I love you, Darlene.
And I love you best when you let me be your mom.
Hey.
Can he come in? I don't care.
Come on in.
Well, I would love to stay and help you some more, But I feel I should share by wisdom with others.
I want to take my stuff back to my room.
Fine.
Take whatever you want.
What are you doing? Nothing.
You can go now.
Are you crying? I didn't know you could do that.
What do you think I am, some sort of freak or something? I mean, we're breaking up here, David.
Yeah, but you broke up with me.
You should be happy.
I should be upset.
Well, sorry, i'll try and get it right next time.
David, I don't want to break up with you.
What? You don't? It's just so weird.
I'm not used to caring this much about one person.
Darlene, i've never seen you like this before.
I like it.
Yeah, well, it's the new me.
I'm going to start painting sad clowns And writing little poems to my cat.
[giggling.]
Okay, kids, enough making up.
[screams.]