Roseanne s06e14 Episode Script

Hey.
I know you thought your allowance Wasn't gonna get us through this month, But I brought dinner.
It's amazing how well you can eat off loose change.
Wow.
Ding dongs and ho ho's.
We'd better use the floral toilet paper tonight for napkins.
I'm sorry.
The "steak" button was stuck.
I'm just in a really crappy mood right now.
I just talked to my mom and I had to lie to her again.
I'm getting so sick of it.
I know what you're saying.
You don't want me here.
Yes, David, that's exactly what i'm saying, word for word.
Thank you for listening.
You don't act like you want me here.
You're always in a bad mood, I'm beginning to feel like i'm in the way.
You're not in the way, all right? I couldn't possibly be more thrilled that you're here All day long, no matter what time it is Doing absolutely nothing.
I love that.
You know, I get in bad moods, too, but I hold back.
This is me holding back.
If I wasn't holding back, The better part of your face would be under my fingernails by now.
You know, the only reason that I don't do anything Is because you're never around to do it with.
Oh, i'm sorry I have a life, David.
I'm sorry I have friends.
I'm sorry i'm not a pathetic zombie like you are.
I do not accept your apology.
This whole living together thing just sucks.
I'm not eating that garbage another night.
I'm going out.
Fine.
Go! Just let me get my jacket first.
[loud heavy metal.]
[knock on door.]
Excuse me.
Hey! Excuse me! Is Mark here? He's taking a nap.
[stereo off.]
I'm Dan Conner.
Mark's father-in-law.
Hey, when I was a bachelor, I had quite the sound system myself.
Quadraphonic reel-to-reel.
What kind of system do you have now? Clock radio.
It's a nice one.
Got two alarms.
So how's Mark been doing the last couple of days? Why? What happened? He left his wife.
Oh, that's probably why he moved in here.
My guess is you and Mark used to study together.
Mark left his wife? That's gotta-- I don't know--suck.
Well they've been together quite a while And I can't imagine him being too happy living here.
Whoa Great tv.
I didn't know there was a game on.
I got a satellite dish.
There's always a game on.
Oh, man.
So you think Mark's in a lot of pain or something? Well, the man hasn't seen his wife in two days, My guess is, he's going through hell.
You've got a refrigerator in the living room? That's brilliant.
You want something? Can I get it myself? Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Uh, I thought we should talk about Becky.
Uh, forget it.
Look, Mark, I know these problems seem huge at first, But if you just call her I mean, Roseanne and I have had plenty of fights.
I remember this one fight we had when I wanted the satellite dish.
We said everything already.
Not good enough.
My daughter's hurtin' here.
Did she send you down to talk to me? No, this is my idea.
I got nothing to say to her.
Come on, Mark.
Forget the pride thing.
Just come home and see Becky.
Becky doesn't wanna see me, Dan.
I flunked out of trade school.
She's not thinking about that right now.
She's been miserable for the last two days without you.
No, she hasn't.
She's hurtin' every bit as bad as you are.
Two remotes? Cool.
Look, i'm not coming back, Dan.
Besides, I know Mrs.
Conner's real glad that i'm gone.
She's probably waiting with a shotgun in case I come back.
Mark, please, that thing isn't loaded.
Sorry.
Oh, man.
I can't go back and tell my wife I failed.
Wanna order a pizza? Number 3 on the speed dial.
Excellent! So.
Did anybody call? No, Roseanne.
Mark hasn't called.
See, that just proves what a jerk he is.
He's been gone for three whole days And he doesn't even call her to apologize.
Come on, Roseanne.
That kind of thing isn't easy for a guy like Mark.
He could get somebody to dial the phone for him.
Hi, dad.
Hey, Beck.
So, Becky, do you want some donuts? I got tons of 'em.
This car hit the bloodmobile and there were donuts everywhere It was just awful.
I got all kinds here.
I got the chocolate twisty kind, Lemon squirty kind, and the ones that look like feet.
No.
I got half a plain one over here.
Okay.
Thanks, dad.
Cheer up, honey.
You suck! What? Using my own damn donuts against me.
What am I supposed to do? She's hurtin' because her husband's gone.
If you really want to be a good dad, Why don't you tell her how lucky she is that that creep walked out on her now Instead of years from now when she has a ton of his creepy little kids.
I don't want to be a good dad.
I wanna be a popular dad.
Hi, guys.
Is Roseanne doing any better? A little.
She's out of her coma now and can understand words.
Yeah, she's doing a little better.
I'm fine.
It's Dan the one that should feel lousy.
It's all his fault.
How is this my fault! Ha! Because Mark is a butthead And girls always marry their fathers.
You know, from talking to Mark, It didn't sound like it was my fault.
He's afraid to come home because of you.
Me? Did you tell him how stupid that was? Did you defend me? I was there to listen.
I think Mark has a point.
You weren't very nice to him.
What are you talking about? I was a total saint.
You made constant fun of him, called him names, Put him down, hid his keys.
Once I hid his keys and that was a joke.
He never found 'em! Well, you laughed.
I'm trying to be the bad guy.
You're not the bad guy.
She's not mad at you, She's just mad at the world.
How come she only takes it out on me, then? Why doesn't she go get a job at the post office? Hey, Jackie.
Hi, Beck.
Becky, you really should eat more than half a donut.
I'm fine, mother.
A lot of good ones in here.
Thanks, Jackie.
I don't care what the two of you say, I don't think She's acting like a great big spoiled brat.
[raspberry.]
[raspberry.]
[knock on door.]
Come in.
Um, i'm looking for Mark healy.
He's out.
He'll be back in a minute.
Oh, okay.
Well, um I'm Roseanne, Dan's wife.
I think he was over here to play earlier.
Sure.
I'm royal.
You can call me Roy or Al.
Well, I think i'll pick Roy.
Most chicks do.
Well, this may just be a stab in the dark, Roy, But i'm bettin' that you're not married.
Yeah.
How'd you know? Well, because when I was younger and single, Every single guy I dated that didn't live at home lived here.
As a matter of fact, I think this is Dan's old couch.
You wanna sit down? Yeah, thanks.
Is there some place that I could boil this first? That's just beer.
It's gotta be dry by now.
You want something to drink? Yeah, thanks.
I think a big tumbler Of penicillin would really hit the spot right now.
Hey, is that a soap opera? Yeah, with a satellite dish we get shows from all over the world.
This one's called "dos mujeres, un camino.
" [Roseanne.]
so that's what happened to that guy from Chips.
" He's way better in this.
Hey, Beavis.
Butthead's home.
What are you doing here? Oh, I just came by to clear up some stuff.
We got nothing to talk about.
Oh, but i'm afraid we do, Mark.
You see, i'm really sick and tired of everybody thinking That i'm some evil woman that broke up your marriage.
I am not an evil woman.
And I believe Roy can back me up on that.
She seems pretty cool to me.
Roy, get outta here.
You're gonna have to go and talk to Becky.
I already told Mr.
Conner I can't do that.
You're gonna have to, because she's gonna have to know That you left because of you and not because of me.
This whole thing is your fault.
Yeah, I know.
So what do you mean by that? You were right about me.
I screwed everything up.
Yeah.
Yeah, you did.
And you shouldn't have taken our money to go to school When you weren't prepared to go all the way through with it.
What do you want me to say? I know the school thing wasn't right for me.
I mean, i'm not a real smart guy.
Well, if you say so, Mark.
I fix cars, bikes, things like that.
I'm not like Becky.
She's the one that should be going to school here.
Then so why did you go? Because she made me.
It was all her idea.
I just want to get a job and take care of Becky, But I didn't even have the brains to do that.
God, would you stop calling yourself stupid? You're gonna wreck it for everybody else.
I'm just trying to be honest.
Becky deserved someone other than a total loser.
Oh, now, Mark.
Come on.
You were the only one that was smart enough to know That you were gonna flunk out of school.
That's something.
Huh? Thanks.
Okay, I guess you're not the only one to blame for this whole mess.
Maybe I shouldn't have pushed Becky to push you so hard.
There.
Are you guys okay? 'cause spanish jeopardy is gonna be on in a few minutes.
Yeah, we're cool.
So does this mean you're gonna get back together with Darlene? God, you're looking smarter every second, Mark.
I'm not married to Darlene, i'm married to Becky.
Oh, then darlene's the one that lives with your brother in Chicago? What? He didn't mean that.
He didn't mean Darlene.
He meant, uh, D.
J.
Yeah.
David is in Chicago? So how long have they been living together? What the hell am I asking you for? He's been up there ever since he left you.
I can't believe that they would do this to me! Wait, wait.
Let's just go up to Chicago.
Why do you wanna take me to Chicago? [sighing.]
I don't know.
I'm just trying to help.
What makes you think I want to sit in a car with you for an hour and a half? 'cause I got $8 gas money.
Let's go.
Hey, Deej.
How was the hockey game? Dull.
I didn't split anybody's lip or anything.
The important is, you tried.
Now go shower up.
Do I have to? You're darn close to having to take a bath in tomato juice.
Hey, kiddo.
I don't know where your mom's at.
Looks like dad's making dinner.
I was just gonna have something simple.
Something simple? I won't have it! I'm making grilled cheese! So, any word from what's-his-face today? No.
New subject, please.
Fine, fine.
We're not talking about it.
My marriage is falling apart, dad.
Mark doesn't even care.
I'm sure he cares.
It's just-- His pride is hurting.
Well, I bet he's sitting around some pig sty Surrounded by empty beer cans and pizza boxes.
I bet he's just lovin' it.
No, I don't think he's been married long enough To really, truly appreciate it.
I'm never gonna forgive mom for this.
Becky, your mom's not what's keeping you guys apart.
Well, mom's the reason that Mark went back to school And flunked, and now he's never gonna face me again.
Why don't you just go to him? I can't.
Why, is he right? Are you ashamed of him? No.
It's just so weird I could fall in love With someone who could flunk out of trade school.
Becky, if your husband flunked, You gotta figure out how much that bothers you.
It bothers me.
If that's the way you feel, maybe it's good he's gone.
No, it's not.
Mark doesn't need someone looking down on him For the rest of his life.
Now that's a diet margarine, you gotta double up on that.
After a real big fight, did mom ever come to you And say that she was completely wrong and that it was all her fault? When you've been married as long as your mom and me, It's not necessary to apologize.
Apparently.
Oh, we'd better hurry.
I just know there's something on tv You haven't seen three times.
Shut up, Darlene.
You're not the only one that's unhappy here.
At least you're not living with the meanest person alive.
Screw you.
You know what? You are truly horrible.
You know that? I don't even love you anymore.
You don't have anything to say to that, do you? Just get out of my way.
Hi, David.
I found this pen.
Is it yours? Uh, no.
Oh, okay.
Well, i'll be goin', then.
Oh, wait a minute.
I forgot to shred the crap out of you two.
Mom-- no, you're not talking.
You're not talking for a very long time.
And you better sit down, because this is gonna take a while.
Hey, davo.
Hey, Mark.
Wow.
You thought you had it all figured out, didn't you? You thought you were gonna live together and be the happy little couple And your parents were just too stupid to find out about it.
You lied to me about christmas, You lied to me about thanksgiving.
I wanted to come home for thanksgiving.
I didn't keep you here.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Stop trying to put the blame on me.
You did what you wanted to do like always.
What do you expect from me, David? I am the meanest person alive, remember? Hey, both of you.
Me.
I'm the one you're listening to, okay? I'm the one that you lied to and betrayed over and over and over.
I didn't want to.
I'm sorry if I made you lie.
Don't touch me.
God, Darlene, can't I do anything right? Hello! There's a shredding going on here And I came a very long way to do this.
I don't want any argument from you, Darlene.
David, you're coming home with me right now.
Come on, let's go.
End of story.
Good.
You're doing me a favor.
No, i'm not doing you a favor.
You're not enjoying this.
This is something very painful that i'm doing to you.
Okay, I got it.
You have no idea how many phone calls, discussions, Weekends at home and lectures it's gonna take Before you and me are square again.
All right, i'm sorry, mom.
David, I threw all your stuff outside.
So you guys get the suitcases and you grab a flashlight And we'll go see what we can find.
So, how's it goin'? Okay.
Plus all the laundry, plus the dishes, Plus giving birth and every other chore I hate to do around this house.
Were the hell have you been? And what are you doing here? And what are you doing with them? And--that's it.
I'm out of questions.
Let me get the rest of your stuff.
Dan, i'd like to talk to you in the other room.
Oh, god.
Changing rooms.
This can't be good.
Well, okay.
I got this call from David today And him and his mother are not getting along at all, So he calls me from this bus station in rockford.
Oh, man.
We were afraid of this.
Poor kid.
Is he okay? Yeah, he's fine.
He just needs to be here for a while.
I gotta hand it to you.
You had a feeling this was gonna happen.
Nothing gets by me.
David.
Yes, sir? Um, look.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
I'm glad you're back.
We missed you.
I told him and he went insane.
Oh, god.
Nah.
I didn't tell him.
If you're gonna have a fighting chance with him, You're gonna need me on your side, And for that, i'm going to need plenty of sleep.
Thank you.
Of course, you know I have been known to talk in my sleep.
Sometimes, Dan walks in his sleep.
But rest well, David.
Well, I guess i'll, uh, get going too.
Well, don't you wanna talk to Becky? Nah, she's probably asleep.
She's probably not asleep.
Becky! Come down here! Look, I don't know if I can see her right now.
I mean, how do I look? Like every mother's nightmare.
She'll love you.
Look who dropped in.
And, um, I think he wants to talk to you, don't you, Mark? Yeah.
And i'm sure that you would really love to listen.
And this just happens to be a really good listening spot.
This is where Dan sits and does most of his listening.
You wanna? Yeah.
Are you coming to bed? Shh, shh, shh.
What? Are they talking? Yeah, and maybe if Mark doesn't say too much, they can patch things up.
Damn.
What, I thought you wanted them to get back together.
Oh, I do, I just Don't have any excuse to go over to Roy's now.
[speaking in spanish.]
[speaking in spanish.]