Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

1 What up, what up, what up? It's you know who, coming to you live from the W in Hollywood.
This place is so famous, it only goes by one letter the W.
That's bad-ass.
I mean, even Jay-Z needs two letters, same with L.
L.
, M.
J.
, O.
J .
all the greats.
Thank you so much.
Ooh! What if I just went by one letter, huh? The R! "The R Solves Crimes on Television.
" I like the sound of that.
Okay, I know what you're thinking the R has gone all Hollywood on us.
But, no, the truth is I just need a break.
After five eps, Mathers and I have solved 15 murders.
How crazy is that? That's an average of, like so many murders.
And all due respect to C-batch, but not even Sherlock is pulling down those kind of numbers.
Who cares if our ratings are in a "death spiral," as the analysts like to call it.
We're keeping this city safe, baby.
In fact, the way that Mathers and the R are closing cases, who knows? We might not even need a dead body this week.
Oh, ho ho! This is too funny.
MATHERS: What the fuck is wrong with you? I was in this escape room two weeks ago.
The Library one of my top five non-Russian-owned escape rooms in L.
A.
So much fun! Oh! I can't believe they didn't get this one.
They're dead, asshole.
Yeah, but it's like a super-easy clue.
Gosh, this brings back so many memories.
You know, when I played, we escaped with time to spare.
What? Wait, I have no idea what you're talking about.
If we'd have been a couple minutes faster, we would have gotten $2.
00 off our next visit, that's what I'm talking about.
No, I meant what is this place? What the hell's an escape room? You've never heard of an escape room? They're, like, super popular in L.
A.
Get a bunch of people together six is good, seven is ideal lock 'em in a room, and then they have to solve clues to get out.
You would love it! It's like being a detective.
Yeah, 'cause that's exactly what being a detective sounds like.
Now, can you put the murder weapon down, please? Oh, I thought it might be a clue.
It is.
It's the murder weapon.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, this might be crazy, but what do you say you and me - No, I'm gonna have to stop you right there.
- Wait.
You didn't even know what I was gonna say.
I do know what you were gonna say.
You were gonna say, "Ha, let's do an escape room together, huh?" First of all, that's not what I sound like.
My voice has a lot more timbre in it.
Second of all, why would you say no? I'd rather be locked in a room with a bag of dicks.
[LAUGHS.]
Dicks! That's so funny.
Where are you coming up with this stuff? Are the writers feeding you these, or is this all you? Hey, guys, give me a good alt.
Give me a killer comeback, huh? Rawson, guys, girl? Anyone? Well this is usually where you tell me what you're thinking.
You know what? Why don't we switch it up this time.
I'm gonna let you take the lead here.
- Wait, really? - Yeah.
You're the escape room guy, right? Like to hear what you think.
Yeah, okay, okay.
Ha.
So we know that the bodies are dead.
- Ah, yes.
- Butchered.
It's actually pretty gross getting kind of nauseous.
- But why were they killed? And by who? - By whom.
That's exactly my point.
Keep going.
Now, to understand that, we need to understand this an escape room is a pressure cooker.
You're locked in, the clock is ticking.
The next thing you know, blondie over here, she don't know how to use this black light.
She's like, "I I don't I'm stressed out.
I never used a black light before, I don't even know what to do.
Oh! Oh, my God!" And redhead, she gets up, she's like, "What's up? I'm ginger.
" Bam, bam boom.
And a cat fight turns deadly.
Boo! Wha! Boof! Victim one dead.
[EXHALES.]
[WHOOSHING.]
Boof! Victim two, dead.
Then all hell breaks loose.
It's "Lord of the Flies" meets "Hunger Games: Catching Fire" meets "Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2.
" [WHOOSHES.]
Hyah! [WHOOSHING.]
Victim three dead! Victim four hyah, hyah! Hyah! Dead! Victim five [WHOOSHES, GRUNTS.]
Dead! [WHOOSHES.]
Victim six dead.
Oh! Oh, sick! Oh, I got dead on me.
And that's how it happened.
Case closed.
And, yeah, I took a stunts and combat class for nine months.
Shit.
Ow.
What was that for? You know, just bet Hendricks here 20 bucks that you would come up with the dumbest theory that either one of us has ever heard.
Okay, but doesn't mean it's not true.
Actually, it does.
I already checked the security cam footage, and the killer came through a secret passage right there with a lucha libre mask on and brutally murdered every victim one by one.
But I like your theory, too.
Thank you.
Wasn't a compliment.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
[CHUCKLES.]
So much fun, right? MATHERS: Look at this psycho.
It's like straight out of a horror movie.
RYAN: This is so weird, but there's an escape room movie prepping now.
Contained horror total franchise potential.
Been trying to get an audition, but the writer/director's some French dude who does not even know who I am.
Yeah, so weird.
Here's what's weirder the plot revolves around six people brutally murdered in an escape room.
The killer's disguise Mexican wrestling mask.
- How crazy is that? - Are you serious? I know, what are the odds? Wait, have you read it? No, no, I don't read scripts.
Gets in the way of my performance.
Now your career makes sense.
Look, can you get your hands on this script? - Well, that depends.
- On what? On whether or not you do an escape room with me tomorrow night.
- How about this? - What? Either you get me the script, or I book you for obstruction, then you can escape out of a jail cell.
How's that sound? Guys, are you feeding her all the good lines? H hey, hello! God! You know what, I got a comeback.
What if I said, um Y you know what? She can have this scene.
I'll get her on the next one.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CART HORN HONKS.]
All right, try not to go too hard on this director don't want to ruin my chances for an audition.
Don't worry, your acting will take care of that.
- What - Ha.
Your acting will take [SIGHS.]
- That's your theory? - Doesn't feel like a coincidence.
Detective, why would I be so stupid as to commit a murder the same way I've written it? Then I'd be the prime suspect.
Ah, the "Basic Instinct" defense classic.
- Oh.
- Michael Douglas is the cop, Sharon Stone is the suspect.
She uses the same exact alibi, but then they have, like, crazy-wild sex.
- I've seen "Basic Instinct.
" - Really? At the academy, they showed us two training videos that were cautionary tales the Rodney King beating and "Basic Instinct.
" So good, right? And, like, a surprisingly happy ending.
What? Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas end up together, in love, happily ever after.
Sharon Stone's the killer.
That's open to interpretation.
The last shot of the movie is an ice pick in her bed.
That's the murder weapon.
Uh, I'm pretty sure if she was the killer, they would have mentioned it in "Basic Instinct 2," which, spoiler alert, was a worthy successor to the original.
Look, this movie is my big break.
I need it to succeed.
So why would I go on a killing rampage two weeks before I start filming, hmm? I'm not Werner Herzog.
Okay, whoever did this had to have access to your script.
Who else read it? Everyone in Hollywood read it.
It was the contained horror spec of December 2016.
I totes agree.
The town went nuts.
I heard that third-act twist is mind-blowing like peak Shyamalan.
What are you talking about? Um, "The Happening," obvi.
Uh, I could see arguments for "Lady in the Water," but we're splitting hairs at this point.
Now, what's the third-act twist you're talking about? The big reveal you know, when you find out that the one thing is actually the other thing.
I haven't read it, but my agent's intern's assistant gave me coverage, which I skipped.
That's not my script.
You must be thinking of the other escape room spec.
- Wait, there are two escape room movies? - At least.
Oh, right, I see what's going on here.
- We have an "Armageddon" "Deep Impact" sitch.
- What? That's when two movies of the same plot come out around the same time.
Like "Dante's Peak" and "Volcano.
" "White House Down" and "Olympus Has Fallen.
" - "K-9" and "Turner & Hooch.
" - Mm-hmm.
Ah, "Fences" and "Hidden Figures," hmm? Uh, hey, I don't think those are similar.
- Are you sure? - Pretty sure.
I haven't seen either one.
Not a great excuse, but, you know, okay.
- Ahh! - Ah, yes, the goldenrod pages.
Def gonna be checking that out.
And, no pressure, but I'm happy to come in whenever for a-dish.
- What? - An audition.
Oh, you're an actor.
[LAUGHS.]
Good one.
I love that dry French humor.
Right, that's so cool.
But, seriously, I am available.
Excuse me, do you mind if we get back to the two escape room movies? There's not going to be two escape room movies is what I was going to tell you.
As soon as my project was green-lit, the other one went into turn-around.
It happens.
Oh, can you excuse me a second? - Well, there's a motive.
- What, for Hans? No, for the writer of the other escape room script.
He kills those people to frame Hans, Hans gets arrested, and the other guy's movie is back on.
Honestly, can't believe nobody else has ever tried it.
- What do you think? - I think your "Lord of the Flies" theory was more believable.
It's so stupid it might actually be true.
All right, let's go find this other writer.
Yeah, give me a second.
Okay, I'm sorry, I just don't see it.
I'm looking for someone darker, grittier, hmm? More of an Eric Christian Olsen type.
I'm sure you understand.
Ow.
[EXHALES.]
Seriously, Eric Christian Olsen is gritty? Please.
He's in "The Hot Chick.
" He's in "The Back-up Plan.
" He's in "Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd.
" Lloyd is not gritty.
Who cares? It's just another movie.
It's not just another movie, it's a potential franchise.
Or did you think they said "Fast and the Furious" is just another movie? Yeah, I do.
They can't predict if a movie's gonna be a hit.
Oh, my God.
It's like you've never heard of a test-screening before.
They have algorithms and black boxes and things that predict the future.
And now Vin Diesel's so rich, he can even treat other rich people like garbage.
There he is Luke Kovac.
Damn, dude can't even afford a car.
No wonder he killed those people.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SCOFFS.]
[TASER BUZZES.]
What the hell is that? Bad-ass, right? Picked it up at Walmart.
Didn't even need to show 'em my ID.
Ah, they probably recognized me.
- Give me that.
- Whoa, no way! You guys won't give me a gun, I'm gonna defend myself Ow! God! Fine.
Well, I'm bringing Mr.
Boom Boom then.
What?! Jesus! Relax, it's just a prop, okay? I pinched if off the set of "G.
I.
Joe: Retaliation.
" Really scared people last Halloween.
Ow! Okay, okay! How did you do that so fast? - I'm a cop, you're a moron.
- God! Well, can I at least get a night stick or a can of mace or something? I mean, old ladies have more weapons than I do.
Old ladies are tougher than you.
[SIGHS.]
It's just a prop.
Whoa God damn it! You have insurance, right? No! What, I thought it was a prop.
I'm sure you can expense it.
Fuck, you're an idiot! Captain, in my defense Stop talking.
Well, no, I just wanted Stop talking.
And don't you dare look at that camera again.
You look at me, Hollywood, you got that? I'm your camera now.
And you better give me the performance of a lifetime.
You got it? Eh, not really.
Sort of a vague note.
Um, could you give me something more specific? Duck.
What? Oh! Is that specific enough for you? MATHERS: Captain, the good news is we just got Kovac's prints back from the lab, and they're all over the murder scene.
Then what the hell are you still doing here? Get a confession before his lawyer shows up and sees the shrapnel in his damn face! - And don't bring him! - I won't.
- What? - I can't afford any more screw-ups.
That is your trademark, isn't it screwing up? Well, I prefer to think of it as an amusing character nuance.
Get out.
Aren't you forgetting something? What, you want him to throw something else at your head? No, his catch phrase.
Get out! Oh, that's not exactly it.
You want to try it again? "Get the hell out of my office.
" - Get out! - Yeah, that's it.
Get out! Get out! Get out! Got it.
Guys we'll get it in post, that's fine.
MALE VOICE: Get the hell out of my office.
Hey, you're not actually gonna listen to the captain, are you? No.
I was gonna freeze you out even before he told me to.
Whoa, hold on.
We don't freeze each other out.
We don't fly solo.
We work best together.
Duchovny and Anderson, you know, Franz and Smits.
Michael Douglas and that chubby partner of his in "Basic Instinct," I can't remember his name, but he's a very recognizable character actor.
You don't split magic like this up.
You blew up my car.
You almost killed the suspect, not to mention me.
I'm sorry, I am.
But, please, I got a new routine I've been working on called "bad cop, worse cop with a raging coke habit.
" Huh, could be epic.
Don't act like you don't want to see it.
Huh? Fine.
- Whatever.
- Yes.
[SCOFFS.]
All right, listen up, asshole - Oh, it's the wrong room.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Hey! - [LOCK CLICKS.]
Ha ha, very funny.
Mathers! What the fuck?! [SIGHS.]
So you say you're innocent, Luke, but your prints are all over the escape room.
How do you explain that? I go to those escape rooms a lot.
I've played the Library at least three times.
Also the Apothecary, the Cavern, the Zombie Nightclub.
But I didn't kill anyone.
I don't believe you, Luke.
Oh, shit.
Why would anyone do an escape room three times, huh? Escape rooms are like condoms, man.
You use them once and you're done.
[SNIFFLES.]
I just like escape rooms, I guess.
It started off as research.
Then it turned into an obsession.
Yeah, a deadly obsession.
Knock it off, Hansen! Is this guy serious?! [SNIFFLES.]
Serious as cancer testicular stage four both balls! [SNIFFLES.]
What is going on? Just ignore him.
What's going on, Luke, is you're going to the electric chair, baby.
Didn't they ban capital punishment in California? Who's talking about Cali, huh? I'm smuggling your ass across the border.
I'm gonna fry you up like a fish.
Who wants tacos, huh? Luke taco [MIKE TURNS OFF.]
[SIGHS.]
Admit it, Luke.
I've been freebasing for 72 hours, Luke.
[SNIFFLES.]
Yeah, that's right.
I don't know my right from my wrong, my left from my right.
I'm out there, man.
And I am taking you with me, baby.
[SNORTS.]
Mmm! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, yeah.
You hear me? You killed those people just like you read in Hans' script.
Hello? Guys? You frame him, he goes to jail, your movie's back on.
Okay.
Look that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard and I used to be a Scientologist.
The studio didn't dump my script because of this other movie, they dumped it because it was too expensive.
And it's their fault! When it started, it was a contained thriller "Die Hard" in an escape room.
But once I started listening to those producers' notes, my escape room became a portal to another world.
There were aliens and there were fairies and there was a mystic beast in Okay, enough! I don't care.
I'm sorry.
It was traumatic.
But I'm over it now.
I'm even pitching a new movie next week.
Did you not hear me? I don't give a shit.
Well, I'll give you the 10-second pitch.
It's a contained thriller kind of my specialty.
Only this time, it takes place in a writer's room.
One of the creatures on the show comes to life and starts killing the producers one by one.
And so now they have to write the death of the creature into the script before they're all killed.
- It's based on a true story.
- A creature comes to life and it's based on a true story? L loosely.
I mean, the studios don't care.
They love that stuff.
If they can slapped "Based on a true story" on a poster, that's another $20 million at the box office guaranteed.
You think "Schindler's List" is real? Liam Neeson isn't really German.
God, it's like you've all had the same lobotomy.
This movie is my big break.
I need it to succeed.
$20 million at the box office, guaranteed.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
RYAN: Oh, yeah, goldenrod, baby.
Mathers! Mathers, let me out! You've got the wrong guy! I know who it is! Mather Whoa! That was close.
Oh! [SIGHS.]
Oh, you fucking idiot.
Wait, so now you like Hans? [SCOFFS.]
No.
I let him be on my show and he won't even give me an audition.
- What is up with that? - I mean you like him for the murders.
Oh, yeah, yeah, totally.
Check it.
Hans commits the murders exactly as it appears in his script knowing his "Basic Instinct" alibi will keep him in the clear while we go up to that poor sap with the escape room fetish.
Then his movie's marketed as "based on a true story," he's guaranteed a hit.
It's even cleaner than my first theory.
I'm like the Stephen Hawking of crime fighting.
But it's still a theory.
We need evidence.
Well, normally, I'd say let's just plant it, but we got something even better.
The killer planted it himself the goldenrod pages.
- The what? - Goldenrod pages.
See, when a script goes in production, each set of revisions is printed on a different color of paper.
Pink, blue, yellow, green, salmon, goldenrod the list goes on and on.
Why not just call it yellow? 'Cause this is Hollywood.
We're a lot more creative than that.
Look at the date on the cover.
The goldenrod pages were printed a day after the murder.
And so if there are any changes on those pages that match the murder scene The writer and the killer are the same person.
Wow.
It is like "Basic Instinct.
" Yeah, well, with a twist.
'Cause Hans is the killer in this case, and, you know, Sharon Stone's innocent.
Whatever.
Not gonna argue with you on this.
'Cause you know I'm right.
She had an ice pick in her bed.
Why would she need an ice pick? Jesus! Burglars.
Well, I guess it's true what they say in Hollywood the script is everything.
No one says that.
Well, they should.
'Cause without a script, actors wouldn't have anything to deviate from.
Can you give us a minute, hmm? What's this all about? Well, Hans, I was reading your script not my strong suit.
But I pushed through and read all the dialogue, even the parts I wasn't right for.
And all the action lines, even though they're like single-spaced and full of words.
But I noticed something funny.
In the original script, victim number four was disemboweled.
And yet in the latest revision, dated after the murders, her neck was slashed open.
Now, tell me, Detective, how was victim number four found at the crime scene? We don't really number our victims like that, but yeah, her neck was slashed open.
Well, Hans, looks like you wrote yourself into a corner.
Well, well, well I guess I underestimated you, Mr.
Hansen.
Yeah, you and Rotten Tomatoes.
No.
I mean, I watched your reel.
- Wait, really? - You're a lot grittier than I thought.
I mean, your work in "Hit and Run" for example, you hardly had a line, and yet I was blown away.
Wow.
Thank you so much.
I worked very hard on that character.
- It showed.
- What is going on here? I've decided I don't want Eric Christian Olsen in my movie anymore, I want you.
Seriously? Like, no audition just straight-up offer only style? I've seen all I need to see.
Wow! Oh, but I'll probably have to forget about the sextuple murder? I'm talking a lead role here, man.
I know.
Possible franchise.
Then you take a hard turn into drama, you get your passion project made, and win an Oscar.
I know! That's totally what would happen.
Oh, that's why it's so hard.
MATHERS: Hey, guys, I don't know what's dumber, that you think I'm gonna let you go, or that he can win an Oscar.
She's right.
It's a great offer, Hans, but Okay, fine.
Just, um please, not in front of my crew, huh? Please.
Of course.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Hey! No, no, no, no, no! Hey! [LAUGHS.]
God! I did not see that coming.
[SIGHS.]
This is just like the Library.
The clues are harder, sure.
- [AIR HISSING.]
- This is legit.
Hey.
Hey, whoa.
Do you remember what happens in the third act climax of Hans' script? Uh, I didn't get that far.
Kind of lied back there about reading it.
But pretty convincing, right? Well, if you did read it, you'd know that the killer fills the room with poisonous gas.
Within five minutes, everyone's dead.
- Oh! - Stand back! Oh! [GUNSHOTS FIRE.]
- [DOOR RATTLES.]
- It's a really well-built set.
What? Hey! Anyone! Hello! God, there's gotta be some safety monitors or something around here.
This is a clear OSHA violation.
Hey! Hey, calm down, okay? Now, this is an escape room.
We just have to escape.
You can't crack an escape room in five minutes.
You need at least 40, and that is with six people seven's ideal.
But I thought you've already done this one.
Yeah, but, like, this is totally different.
The clues are different, the sequences, and also I lied about that, too.
I didn't actually get out of the escape room.
- Oh! - All right, well, forget about that.
We could do this.
We could do this together just like you said.
Anderson and Duchovny, Franz and Smits, Michael Douglas and George Dzundza! Ha that's that guy's name.
I love that actor.
"No Way Out," "Deer Hunter," "Crimson Tide" elevates everything he's in.
- Well, see? - [COUGHS.]
If you can figure that out, this will be easy.
Let's crack this bitch.
Yeah, let's crack this bitch.
[BOTH COUGHING.]
All right.
Okay.
What kind of room has no doors or windows? This is impossible.
I know.
A mushroom.
[CHUCKLES.]
Whoa! Hit it.
[LAUGHS.]
Yes! Okay, here we go.
Dashes and dots, dashes and dots.
- I got nothing, this - It's Morse Code.
What? How have you not played this before? You're like Tom Hanks in "The Da Vinci Code," but with better hair.
"Hungry, use me.
" God, this is so much harder than I'm used to.
Hungry, use me.
Hungry, use me.
BOTH: Chopsticks? [COUGHING CONTINUES.]
And ["CHOPSTICKS" PLAYS.]
Whoa! Key! Go, go! [LOCK RATTLING.]
Why isn't it working? God, it must be it must be to something else.
Oh, this episode just got dark.
Dark the light switch! Turn off the lights.
[COUGHS.]
- Look! - What? Try the key in the cabinet.
[BOTH COUGHING.]
Another key.
[LOCK RATTLES, DOOR OPENS.]
What do you mean you won't let my Uber on the lot?! I called it in! Ah, fine! I'm walking to the gate.
- MATHERS: Hey, Hans? - Huh? Escape this! [TASER BUZZES, HANS SCREAMS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Whoa! Came up with that on my own.
I was gonna say you're under arrest, but - okay.
- Ah, I like my line better.
- [WHISTLES.]
- [HANS GROANS.]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
So what's the verdict on escape rooms, yes or no? Come on, you liked it, didn't you? It was kind of like being a detective.
Ha ha yes! We should do another one! Like a real one except, you know, without the threat of death.
Although, that was a nice touch.
Really amped up the stakes.
So what do you say? Yeah, I'll do another one.
Sure.
Just not with you.
[LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Classic Mathers.
Don't ever change.
Hey, where'd everybody go? It's late.
Everybody went home.
Uh, except this one creepy guy in the front row.
Oh, that's just Luke.
Say hi, Luke.
Hi.
Who's Luke? Oh, he's a new writer I hired.
He's gonna give me some killer alts.
Check this out.
Hey, buddy, give me a good one.
Uh Ah, it's a work in progress.
[EXHALES.]
What happened to his face? Oh, he got shrapnel in it from an exploding car.
- What? - Crazy day.
Barely got out of an escape room with my life, got offered the lead of a potential franchise, and then arrested the director on a sextuple murder charge.
- Packed in a lot.
- Did you say franchise? Potential franchise.
Oh, my God.
Like Vin Diesel.
Yeah.
Well, kind of.
Not maybe.
It's like not happening, so why talk about it? Hey, it's okay.
I still love you.
Say, "But it would be nice to be so rich, we could treat other rich people like garbage.
" It's a payoff from earlier.
- Come on, man, save those gems for me.
- [CELLPHONE PINGS.]
Oh.
Oh, my agent's texting me.
Ugh, no.
Oh, God, please don't be firing me.
Whoa, I have an audition tomorrow morning for that escape room movie.
I thought you arrested the director.
Well, apparently, the studio thinks it's a good thing, like a whole new angle on marketing or whatever.
They want me for the lead! Oh, baby! Franchise! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah! Get used to seeing this face, America! [LAUGHS.]
Hey, hey, what's up, you guys? CASTING DIRECTOR: Hey, Ryan.
Whenever you're ready.
Um, just real quick, can I do this without the mask, maybe? - Absolutely not.
- Totally fine.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[WHOOSHING.]
Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! [CONTINUES WHOOSHING.]
Boof! Ah! [CONTINUES WHOOSHING.]
- Oh! - Are you okay?! - Can we get a medic in here?! - [GROANS.]
Medic! I'm so sorry, bro.
I just can't see in this thing.
Hey, I think it's just a flesh wound.
You should be fine.
Medic! Can we get a medic, please?! Hello! MAN: Your brains, madam.