Sabrina The Teenage Witch s03e16 Episode Script
Sabrina the Matchmaker
Rose are red, violets are blue You remind me of primordial goo And they said I couldn't find a card for Libby.
Oh, no.
I'm losing my hair.
Yesterday, I counted six hairs in my kitty comb.
Today, there's ten.
- Eleven.
- Huh? Do you think Harvey and I might be soul mates? Depends.
Would you still love him if he was bald? Of course.
Unless he did that weird comb-over thing.
Ooh.
- Twelve.
- Oh.
Sabrina, you gotta help me.
I don't wanna be a chrome dome.
Mmm.
I like it.
But can I swim in it? No channel surfing.
ZELDA: Sabrina, hurry up.
It's time for breakfast.
SABRINA: I'm coming.
You don't have to-- Have my room attacked by Huns.
Looks like somebody's made Cupid angry.
Well, he is a lonely, bitter man.
"Sabrina, because you meddled in the laws of love, and tried to break up your Aunt Zelda and Mr.
Kraft" How does he know that? It's Cupid's job to know those things.
And I might have mentioned it to him at a cocktail party.
"You must help two people fall in love by Valentine's Day, or spend weekends picking up trash along the Other Realm interstate.
" Ew! I don't wanna spend my time chained to a bunch of drunks in orange jumpsuits.
Well, they're not all drunks.
Some are murderers.
Look.
I really am losing my hair.
Oh, wait.
That's my butt.
But who am I gonna set up? Well, let's see.
There's-- I just met the most amazing guy.
SALEM: See, Hilda? I knew that polka class at Learning Annex would pay off.
- Where's your lollipop, Kojak? - Grrr.
Anyway, Carlton's smart, handsome, funny.
Absolutely nothing like Willard.
SABRINA: I knew you'd like him.
That takes care of my assignment.
Cupid may wear a diaper, but he's no fool.
And he asked me out for Valentine's Day.
He's always coming up with crazy, offbeat ideas like that.
See you.
This is the best time in a Hilda relationship.
Before she spends any time with him.
Hey, Sabrina.
Hey.
Do you think that guy's dating anyone? Yeah.
I think he's dating that guy.
Hey, good news about Valentine's Day.
My dad's helping that fancy French restaurant, Le Petit Chien, with its roach problem, and he snagged us a reservation.
One downside to the restaurant, though: No salad bar.
Hey, hey.
No PDA in the hallway.
I'm gonna have to write you both up.
By the by, hope your Aunt Zelda doesn't mind Easter candy for Valentine's.
Mother really wants it out of the freezer.
Hey.
Those two would make a cute couple.
Isn't there a rule about lunch ladies dating students? Why are you being so difficult, Valerie? Break up with Justin, and let me set the two of you up again.
Harvey and I do it all the time.
It's how we keep our relationship fresh.
Salem, this hair-growth tonic you ordered is actually corn bread batter.
They wouldn't sell it if it didn't work.
Keep stirring.
Well, I'm off to France to find the perfect Valentine's Day dress.
And maybe kill an hour at a museum.
Oh, no.
Cousin Marigold and her kids are coming by to discuss the family secret.
Better hurry before Paris closes.
ZELDA: I'd stay, but I don't like them.
Oh, come on.
You guys can't leave me alone with Cousin Marigold.
She's like a repressed memory waiting to happen.
There.
A couple of hours, and you can call me Crystal Gayle.
I don't need a phone number, operator.
I was just wondering, are you seeing anyone? Hello? Sabrina.
Mwah, mwah.
Oh, you look fabulous.
But then, against this shabby wallpaper, who wouldn't? This is my daughter, Ally.
She's never been to the-- Ahem.
To the Mortal Realm.
Hi, Ally.
You're right.
A whole lot of nothing.
[MARIGOLD LAUGHS.]
Oh, honey, stop turning the towels into taffy.
You remember Amanda? How could I forget? Keep those fingers up where I can see them.
I love it when you can see fear in their eyes.
[GIRLS SHRIEKING.]
They have so much energy when they come to the Mortal Realm.
You know, I would have left them with a nanny, but they won't tell me what they did with her, and they're at that age.
Somewhere between birth and 25-to-life? What happened? Mortal plumbing can be so confusing.
And fun.
Hey, that's my sweater.
Oops.
Oh, oh.
Come here.
You'd be a good match for my son, Robby.
He's well on his way to being a juvenile delinquent too.
- I didn't know you have kids.
- Three.
Since the divorce, sometimes I bring Robby on calls with me.
He's out front playing right now.
You're well-insured, right? AMANDA: Last one to zap him into a snowman is a rotten egg.
New game.
All the kids are playing it.
Gotta go.
[HUMMING.]
Oh! [MARIGOLD LAUGHING.]
Thought that was pretty funny, huh? It's not Candide, but yes.
This would go easier if you'd give me a hand.
Oh, ha! Oh, you weren't kidding.
No.
No, I don't do tools.
Come on.
It's-- It'll be something you can tell your grandchildren.
Just hold the wrench here while I try and turn the water off.
[MARIGOLD SIGHS.]
- Like this? - Yeah.
But, you know, pull it towards you.
Oh! Ah.
Now that was funny, huh? But not as funny as this.
Or, uh, this.
[MARIGOLD SCREAMS.]
[GASPS.]
Or this! Or this.
- Or this! Oh! - Or this! - Or this! - What are you doing? Ah! That's funny.
That's funny.
Whoa! ALLY: Please, Sabrina.
Let me turn him into a salamander.
No.
Not until you're old enough to use vindictive magic responsibly.
Okay, but not a very big salamander.
[MARIGOLD GIGGLES.]
Oh, the bathroom's all fixed.
Just don't use the toilet, ever.
Girls, you're not gonna believe this, but your mother actually did manual labour.
- No.
- She ain't half bad.
Hold still.
You've got a little schmutz right there.
What's the matter with Mom? She's acting all nice.
Better.
She's acting like she likes him.
This is perfect.
I've found my couple.
Well, thanks for dropping by.
That was very invigorating.
Well, any time you want to be invigored again, you let me know.
Bye.
Dad.
Right.
Heh.
He's so small, I'm always losing him.
Come here, you.
Oh.
Where's the water? I need to rinse.
The tingle is now a burn.
Marigold, how could you let Emil walk out like that? He's cute, he's single, and you're my last hope.
Me and Emil? Oh, please, Sabrina.
The man makes a living pulling hair out of drains.
He's got a truck with his picture on the side of it.
It would never work.
Besides, I'm never gonna see him again.
Fate calling.
I could have sworn I had this with me when I left.
Oh.
Well, you didn't.
But you know, now that you're back, you can go ask Marigold out.
You obviously like her.
Don't get me wrong.
Your cousin's great, but there's no way that a rich, classy woman like her is going out with a non-rich, classy guy like me.
But you already had a splash fight.
Wait.
What are you doing tomorrow? That's perfect, because Marigold isn't doing anything either.
- Sabrina.
- Oh, it's no trouble.
There's nothing I like to do more on Valentine's Day than cook a gourmet meal for our distant relatives and the people who fix our house.
If you don't have any other plans-- You said you'd take us to-- Actually, I'm completely free.
Great, then we'll see you tomorrow around 7, okay? All right.
That's good.
Jeez.
Throw yourself at him, why don't you? Sabrina, when we go to Le Petit Chien, are you gonna want an appetizer? If you do, I'm gonna need to shovel a few more driveways.
Oh, Harvey, I can't go.
I promised my cousin I'd watch her kids while she goes on a date.
I'm helping two people fall in love and I'm avoiding hard time.
I'm really, really sorry.
I know you wouldn't break a Valentine's date if it wasn't important.
Maybe I could go with my mom.
Okay, Sabrina, I'm leaving.
HILDA: Sabrina, I'm going now.
[HILDA AND ZELDA GASP.]
This is an authentic Paris original, so you'd better take off that knockoff.
I'm not changing.
You change your dress.
It's not like you guys are going to the same restaurant.
Sabrina makes a point.
No one you date could afford Le Petit Chien.
That's where Carlton is taking me.
You're such a copycat.
- Ah.
Am not.
See? - Ah! [MAGIC TINKLING, FABRIC RIPPING.]
HILDA AND ZELDA: Ah! You know there's no salad bar there.
Oh, Sabrina, I am so nervous.
I've never been on a date with a mortal.
Genies, Martians, enchanted trees, but never a mortal.
All you have to do is be honest and be yourself.
I'll never remember all that.
Relax.
You and Emil are gonna do great.
Not if we have anything to do with it.
Fingers ready? Plunger boy's going down.
Way down.
[ZELDA SIGHS.]
Willard's parking the car.
Carlton's parking his Porsche.
He's such a refreshing change from Willard.
Unbelievable.
Willard, what happened? Some idiot in a Porsche tried to run me down in the parking lot.
Sorry.
I had to wait for this old geezer.
- Geezer? - That's him.
Carlton, this is my sister, Zelda.
And this is her geezer-- I mean boyfriend, Willard.
Nice to meet you, Zelly.
And I had no idea that this old sack belonged to you.
Hey.
No hard feelings, huh, Wilbur? It's Willard.
Of course it is.
You should have seen the look on your face.
Whew.
- Table for four? - No.
No, I-- No, no, no.
The more the merrier, huh? - Lead on, Willie.
- Willard.
Whew.
Your poor sister.
Can you say "loser"? - She has low self-esteem.
- Duh.
Where did she get that arrogant blowhard? She has low self-esteem.
Mr.
Andranini, look at you all clean.
Somebody owns an iron.
Run! Oh, I hate when people drop things out of airplanes.
And I'll have the 14-ounce sirloin.
And I'll have the 16-ounce sirloin.
You didn't let me finish.
To start.
Now tell me about your hams.
Tonight's entrée is baked chicken.
I think it's a little undercooked.
Now I've got to find a new entrée.
- And a coop.
- Sabrina, you gotta help me.
I left the formula on too long.
Sabrina, you've got to help me.
Back of the line, sister.
I asked him about his hobbies, and he started babbling on about pitching and catching, and-- And men in red socks.
Oh, he's talking about baseball.
It's a sport.
Mortal men love it.
Baseball.
Got it.
Come with me.
Wait.
You can't just walk in there with a professional baseball player.
Well, can I shrink him down and put him in my pocket? Just be honest.
Tell Emil you don't know anything about baseball.
Guys love explaining stuff like that.
It's the only downside.
Excuse me.
Did I get hit in the head with a foul ball or something? Yeah.
Enjoy the buzz.
Oh.
Go.
Here.
Hold this.
You know, baseball's a game that combines physical prowess with mental discipline.
Kill the chicken.
Harvey, what are you doing here? Sabrina, I'm putting my foot down.
You're my girlfriend, and I demand you be with me on Valentine's Day.
Your mom decided to go with your dad? I'll help you babysit.
- That's sweet, Harvey, but I-- MARIGOLD: It's a wonderful idea.
Marigold.
But the girls are, you know Oh, don't worry.
They'll be little angels if I ask them to be.
How come you never asked them before? He better be just as cute and sweet when I get back, or I'll give you a wart you'll have to push around in a wheelbarrow.
Watch the blouse.
It's silk.
I'll zap in a Porta-Potti later.
No.
There is no way that Smokey and the Bandit is on the 100 best-movies list.
And I have just about had it with your know-it-all attitude.
Willard, no.
Brute force never solved anything.
Carlton.
His right knee is bad.
One kick and he's down.
So, Waldo, you gonna do anything about it, or are you just gonna whine about it? Well, normally I would just whine about it, but you have made me really mad.
[YELLS.]
So shall we split the crème brûlée sampler? I can't believe I didn't bring any pictures of my boys.
Oh, they're great.
I mean, they're a handful, but I wouldn't trade them.
I'd sell them.
MARIGOLD: Absolutely delightful.
The couch has got to go.
- What's in your glass? - Oh, heh, cork.
And it has to go.
Let me fish it out for you.
Oh, thank you.
No one is ever gonna mistake me for Pierre Salinger again.
You know, you are starting to get a little thin on top.
[SOBBING.]
Is dessert almost ready? I just took the pie out of the oven.
Ten minutes? [RUMBLING.]
Hold this! Harvey! - Where's Harvey? - Right here.
Just as cute and sweet as when you left him.
Harvey! We changed his name to Cuddles.
[HARVEY BARKING.]
Dessert's coming right out.
SALEM: Oh, no! Dog! [GLASS SHATTERS.]
MAN: Oh, no, my pie! [SALEM SHRIEKING, HARVEY BARKING.]
There.
Fixed that wobble.
Change him back! [GIRLS GIGGLE.]
Time to put Operation: Get This Loser Plumber Out Of Our Lives into action.
This wine is making me feel so warm.
Ah! Fire! Fire! Oh, my God, fire! Oh, my God, my pants.
Fire.
Oh.
Yeah.
Good, good, good.
Here.
Hey.
I got it, I got it.
I got it, I got it.
Thanks.
Where did that watering can come from? Uh, this? Uh, um I'll be right back.
SALEM: Help.
I'm too young to be a chew toy.
Harvey, heel! Sabrina, what do I say to Emil? His chair just-- Marigold, whatever it is, just be yourself and be honest.
Bad dog, Harvey! Where's Emil? Hair-clog emergency somewhere? You two, kitchen, now.
And there's a puddle on the mud porch with your names on it.
Where's Emil? EMIL: Help.
Help.
Help.
Well, um Let's get him out and hope he didn't notice.
So, Emil, you were saying? Who are you people? Wait, I can explain.
You can? I mean, of course she can.
Emil, I have to be honest with you.
I'm a witch.
Am I the only one who thinks the salmon mousse has gone a little bad? Think I'll go now.
Now, who wants decaf? So where'd you learn to fight like that? Well, when you grow up playing the zither and loving Doris Day, you get in your share of scrapes.
You're a Doris Day fan? - Me too.
- No kidding.
Huh.
Marigold, you have to go after Emil.
If he tells anyone you're a witch, you'll be out of the Other Realm and lose your magic.
You'll be mortal, and you'll have to live here.
Come on, woman, move.
I think he made it clear he doesn't wanna see me again.
Fine.
I'll go.
I'm sure he hasn't had a chance to tell anyone.
Unless he has a car phone.
Couple of days in the slammer might teach Carlton to fight a little better.
Oh, we can't just leave them here, Hilda.
It's partially our fault for pitting them against each other.
Really? I slept the whole time? It may be time to go back to naps.
Yeah, but I'm wide awake now, and I feel-- Go get it! Marigold, I'm really sorry about you losing your magic.
I feel responsible.
I just didn't want to pick up trash.
Oh, don't blame yourself, Sabrina.
I'm sure I can learn to cope.
Here.
You just flip the switch.
[MARIGOLD SIGHS.]
Dear Lord, what have I done? [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Why did I have to turn him into a retriever? Harvey.
Mr.
Andranini? Emil.
Ahem.
You came back.
I've been driving around the last hour, thinking.
- And talking.
- Yeah.
To my brother.
He, uh, thinks I'm crazy.
I am.
About you.
Wow.
And he's met my children.
I don't understand what happened tonight.
But for some strange reason, I know I wanna keep seeing you.
I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, I just wanna clarify one thing.
Do you have magical powers? I can honestly say I don't.
Yes! I did it! I'm not even gonna ask.
Look.
I did it.
- Marigold and Emil are in love.
- Oh, bully for them.
Oh, see, Sabrina? That wasn't so hard.
Throw it again.
Throw it again.
You really don't mind losing your magic? All I can say is I have had magic for hundreds of years, and I have never really been happy.
And now I'm happy.
What's the trick to this? Why do they have to make it so complicated? Oh, I almost forgot.
A poorly-cut valentine? No.
It's your clue to the family secret.
Hey.
You ever tried to use scissors? Barbaric.
Whoa, tornado in the bathroom? We never had to get dressed the mortal way before.
Buttons are hard.
Knock, knock.
Four hungry men reporting for duty.
This is, uh, Darryl.
And Angelo.
And you met Robby.
Hi, boys.
I'm Marigold.
And these are my daughters, Amanda and Ally.
Nice shirt.
Button it with your feet? No.
My fist.
[FROG CROAKS, ALLY SHRIEKING.]
EMIL: Kids, come on.
Hey.
Can we act like a family here? Quit saying that.
We're not a family.
Hey.
Now, Robby.
Guys.
Sounds like a real family to me.
Oh, no.
I'm losing my hair.
Yesterday, I counted six hairs in my kitty comb.
Today, there's ten.
- Eleven.
- Huh? Do you think Harvey and I might be soul mates? Depends.
Would you still love him if he was bald? Of course.
Unless he did that weird comb-over thing.
Ooh.
- Twelve.
- Oh.
Sabrina, you gotta help me.
I don't wanna be a chrome dome.
Mmm.
I like it.
But can I swim in it? No channel surfing.
ZELDA: Sabrina, hurry up.
It's time for breakfast.
SABRINA: I'm coming.
You don't have to-- Have my room attacked by Huns.
Looks like somebody's made Cupid angry.
Well, he is a lonely, bitter man.
"Sabrina, because you meddled in the laws of love, and tried to break up your Aunt Zelda and Mr.
Kraft" How does he know that? It's Cupid's job to know those things.
And I might have mentioned it to him at a cocktail party.
"You must help two people fall in love by Valentine's Day, or spend weekends picking up trash along the Other Realm interstate.
" Ew! I don't wanna spend my time chained to a bunch of drunks in orange jumpsuits.
Well, they're not all drunks.
Some are murderers.
Look.
I really am losing my hair.
Oh, wait.
That's my butt.
But who am I gonna set up? Well, let's see.
There's-- I just met the most amazing guy.
SALEM: See, Hilda? I knew that polka class at Learning Annex would pay off.
- Where's your lollipop, Kojak? - Grrr.
Anyway, Carlton's smart, handsome, funny.
Absolutely nothing like Willard.
SABRINA: I knew you'd like him.
That takes care of my assignment.
Cupid may wear a diaper, but he's no fool.
And he asked me out for Valentine's Day.
He's always coming up with crazy, offbeat ideas like that.
See you.
This is the best time in a Hilda relationship.
Before she spends any time with him.
Hey, Sabrina.
Hey.
Do you think that guy's dating anyone? Yeah.
I think he's dating that guy.
Hey, good news about Valentine's Day.
My dad's helping that fancy French restaurant, Le Petit Chien, with its roach problem, and he snagged us a reservation.
One downside to the restaurant, though: No salad bar.
Hey, hey.
No PDA in the hallway.
I'm gonna have to write you both up.
By the by, hope your Aunt Zelda doesn't mind Easter candy for Valentine's.
Mother really wants it out of the freezer.
Hey.
Those two would make a cute couple.
Isn't there a rule about lunch ladies dating students? Why are you being so difficult, Valerie? Break up with Justin, and let me set the two of you up again.
Harvey and I do it all the time.
It's how we keep our relationship fresh.
Salem, this hair-growth tonic you ordered is actually corn bread batter.
They wouldn't sell it if it didn't work.
Keep stirring.
Well, I'm off to France to find the perfect Valentine's Day dress.
And maybe kill an hour at a museum.
Oh, no.
Cousin Marigold and her kids are coming by to discuss the family secret.
Better hurry before Paris closes.
ZELDA: I'd stay, but I don't like them.
Oh, come on.
You guys can't leave me alone with Cousin Marigold.
She's like a repressed memory waiting to happen.
There.
A couple of hours, and you can call me Crystal Gayle.
I don't need a phone number, operator.
I was just wondering, are you seeing anyone? Hello? Sabrina.
Mwah, mwah.
Oh, you look fabulous.
But then, against this shabby wallpaper, who wouldn't? This is my daughter, Ally.
She's never been to the-- Ahem.
To the Mortal Realm.
Hi, Ally.
You're right.
A whole lot of nothing.
[MARIGOLD LAUGHS.]
Oh, honey, stop turning the towels into taffy.
You remember Amanda? How could I forget? Keep those fingers up where I can see them.
I love it when you can see fear in their eyes.
[GIRLS SHRIEKING.]
They have so much energy when they come to the Mortal Realm.
You know, I would have left them with a nanny, but they won't tell me what they did with her, and they're at that age.
Somewhere between birth and 25-to-life? What happened? Mortal plumbing can be so confusing.
And fun.
Hey, that's my sweater.
Oops.
Oh, oh.
Come here.
You'd be a good match for my son, Robby.
He's well on his way to being a juvenile delinquent too.
- I didn't know you have kids.
- Three.
Since the divorce, sometimes I bring Robby on calls with me.
He's out front playing right now.
You're well-insured, right? AMANDA: Last one to zap him into a snowman is a rotten egg.
New game.
All the kids are playing it.
Gotta go.
[HUMMING.]
Oh! [MARIGOLD LAUGHING.]
Thought that was pretty funny, huh? It's not Candide, but yes.
This would go easier if you'd give me a hand.
Oh, ha! Oh, you weren't kidding.
No.
No, I don't do tools.
Come on.
It's-- It'll be something you can tell your grandchildren.
Just hold the wrench here while I try and turn the water off.
[MARIGOLD SIGHS.]
- Like this? - Yeah.
But, you know, pull it towards you.
Oh! Ah.
Now that was funny, huh? But not as funny as this.
Or, uh, this.
[MARIGOLD SCREAMS.]
[GASPS.]
Or this! Or this.
- Or this! Oh! - Or this! - Or this! - What are you doing? Ah! That's funny.
That's funny.
Whoa! ALLY: Please, Sabrina.
Let me turn him into a salamander.
No.
Not until you're old enough to use vindictive magic responsibly.
Okay, but not a very big salamander.
[MARIGOLD GIGGLES.]
Oh, the bathroom's all fixed.
Just don't use the toilet, ever.
Girls, you're not gonna believe this, but your mother actually did manual labour.
- No.
- She ain't half bad.
Hold still.
You've got a little schmutz right there.
What's the matter with Mom? She's acting all nice.
Better.
She's acting like she likes him.
This is perfect.
I've found my couple.
Well, thanks for dropping by.
That was very invigorating.
Well, any time you want to be invigored again, you let me know.
Bye.
Dad.
Right.
Heh.
He's so small, I'm always losing him.
Come here, you.
Oh.
Where's the water? I need to rinse.
The tingle is now a burn.
Marigold, how could you let Emil walk out like that? He's cute, he's single, and you're my last hope.
Me and Emil? Oh, please, Sabrina.
The man makes a living pulling hair out of drains.
He's got a truck with his picture on the side of it.
It would never work.
Besides, I'm never gonna see him again.
Fate calling.
I could have sworn I had this with me when I left.
Oh.
Well, you didn't.
But you know, now that you're back, you can go ask Marigold out.
You obviously like her.
Don't get me wrong.
Your cousin's great, but there's no way that a rich, classy woman like her is going out with a non-rich, classy guy like me.
But you already had a splash fight.
Wait.
What are you doing tomorrow? That's perfect, because Marigold isn't doing anything either.
- Sabrina.
- Oh, it's no trouble.
There's nothing I like to do more on Valentine's Day than cook a gourmet meal for our distant relatives and the people who fix our house.
If you don't have any other plans-- You said you'd take us to-- Actually, I'm completely free.
Great, then we'll see you tomorrow around 7, okay? All right.
That's good.
Jeez.
Throw yourself at him, why don't you? Sabrina, when we go to Le Petit Chien, are you gonna want an appetizer? If you do, I'm gonna need to shovel a few more driveways.
Oh, Harvey, I can't go.
I promised my cousin I'd watch her kids while she goes on a date.
I'm helping two people fall in love and I'm avoiding hard time.
I'm really, really sorry.
I know you wouldn't break a Valentine's date if it wasn't important.
Maybe I could go with my mom.
Okay, Sabrina, I'm leaving.
HILDA: Sabrina, I'm going now.
[HILDA AND ZELDA GASP.]
This is an authentic Paris original, so you'd better take off that knockoff.
I'm not changing.
You change your dress.
It's not like you guys are going to the same restaurant.
Sabrina makes a point.
No one you date could afford Le Petit Chien.
That's where Carlton is taking me.
You're such a copycat.
- Ah.
Am not.
See? - Ah! [MAGIC TINKLING, FABRIC RIPPING.]
HILDA AND ZELDA: Ah! You know there's no salad bar there.
Oh, Sabrina, I am so nervous.
I've never been on a date with a mortal.
Genies, Martians, enchanted trees, but never a mortal.
All you have to do is be honest and be yourself.
I'll never remember all that.
Relax.
You and Emil are gonna do great.
Not if we have anything to do with it.
Fingers ready? Plunger boy's going down.
Way down.
[ZELDA SIGHS.]
Willard's parking the car.
Carlton's parking his Porsche.
He's such a refreshing change from Willard.
Unbelievable.
Willard, what happened? Some idiot in a Porsche tried to run me down in the parking lot.
Sorry.
I had to wait for this old geezer.
- Geezer? - That's him.
Carlton, this is my sister, Zelda.
And this is her geezer-- I mean boyfriend, Willard.
Nice to meet you, Zelly.
And I had no idea that this old sack belonged to you.
Hey.
No hard feelings, huh, Wilbur? It's Willard.
Of course it is.
You should have seen the look on your face.
Whew.
- Table for four? - No.
No, I-- No, no, no.
The more the merrier, huh? - Lead on, Willie.
- Willard.
Whew.
Your poor sister.
Can you say "loser"? - She has low self-esteem.
- Duh.
Where did she get that arrogant blowhard? She has low self-esteem.
Mr.
Andranini, look at you all clean.
Somebody owns an iron.
Run! Oh, I hate when people drop things out of airplanes.
And I'll have the 14-ounce sirloin.
And I'll have the 16-ounce sirloin.
You didn't let me finish.
To start.
Now tell me about your hams.
Tonight's entrée is baked chicken.
I think it's a little undercooked.
Now I've got to find a new entrée.
- And a coop.
- Sabrina, you gotta help me.
I left the formula on too long.
Sabrina, you've got to help me.
Back of the line, sister.
I asked him about his hobbies, and he started babbling on about pitching and catching, and-- And men in red socks.
Oh, he's talking about baseball.
It's a sport.
Mortal men love it.
Baseball.
Got it.
Come with me.
Wait.
You can't just walk in there with a professional baseball player.
Well, can I shrink him down and put him in my pocket? Just be honest.
Tell Emil you don't know anything about baseball.
Guys love explaining stuff like that.
It's the only downside.
Excuse me.
Did I get hit in the head with a foul ball or something? Yeah.
Enjoy the buzz.
Oh.
Go.
Here.
Hold this.
You know, baseball's a game that combines physical prowess with mental discipline.
Kill the chicken.
Harvey, what are you doing here? Sabrina, I'm putting my foot down.
You're my girlfriend, and I demand you be with me on Valentine's Day.
Your mom decided to go with your dad? I'll help you babysit.
- That's sweet, Harvey, but I-- MARIGOLD: It's a wonderful idea.
Marigold.
But the girls are, you know Oh, don't worry.
They'll be little angels if I ask them to be.
How come you never asked them before? He better be just as cute and sweet when I get back, or I'll give you a wart you'll have to push around in a wheelbarrow.
Watch the blouse.
It's silk.
I'll zap in a Porta-Potti later.
No.
There is no way that Smokey and the Bandit is on the 100 best-movies list.
And I have just about had it with your know-it-all attitude.
Willard, no.
Brute force never solved anything.
Carlton.
His right knee is bad.
One kick and he's down.
So, Waldo, you gonna do anything about it, or are you just gonna whine about it? Well, normally I would just whine about it, but you have made me really mad.
[YELLS.]
So shall we split the crème brûlée sampler? I can't believe I didn't bring any pictures of my boys.
Oh, they're great.
I mean, they're a handful, but I wouldn't trade them.
I'd sell them.
MARIGOLD: Absolutely delightful.
The couch has got to go.
- What's in your glass? - Oh, heh, cork.
And it has to go.
Let me fish it out for you.
Oh, thank you.
No one is ever gonna mistake me for Pierre Salinger again.
You know, you are starting to get a little thin on top.
[SOBBING.]
Is dessert almost ready? I just took the pie out of the oven.
Ten minutes? [RUMBLING.]
Hold this! Harvey! - Where's Harvey? - Right here.
Just as cute and sweet as when you left him.
Harvey! We changed his name to Cuddles.
[HARVEY BARKING.]
Dessert's coming right out.
SALEM: Oh, no! Dog! [GLASS SHATTERS.]
MAN: Oh, no, my pie! [SALEM SHRIEKING, HARVEY BARKING.]
There.
Fixed that wobble.
Change him back! [GIRLS GIGGLE.]
Time to put Operation: Get This Loser Plumber Out Of Our Lives into action.
This wine is making me feel so warm.
Ah! Fire! Fire! Oh, my God, fire! Oh, my God, my pants.
Fire.
Oh.
Yeah.
Good, good, good.
Here.
Hey.
I got it, I got it.
I got it, I got it.
Thanks.
Where did that watering can come from? Uh, this? Uh, um I'll be right back.
SALEM: Help.
I'm too young to be a chew toy.
Harvey, heel! Sabrina, what do I say to Emil? His chair just-- Marigold, whatever it is, just be yourself and be honest.
Bad dog, Harvey! Where's Emil? Hair-clog emergency somewhere? You two, kitchen, now.
And there's a puddle on the mud porch with your names on it.
Where's Emil? EMIL: Help.
Help.
Help.
Well, um Let's get him out and hope he didn't notice.
So, Emil, you were saying? Who are you people? Wait, I can explain.
You can? I mean, of course she can.
Emil, I have to be honest with you.
I'm a witch.
Am I the only one who thinks the salmon mousse has gone a little bad? Think I'll go now.
Now, who wants decaf? So where'd you learn to fight like that? Well, when you grow up playing the zither and loving Doris Day, you get in your share of scrapes.
You're a Doris Day fan? - Me too.
- No kidding.
Huh.
Marigold, you have to go after Emil.
If he tells anyone you're a witch, you'll be out of the Other Realm and lose your magic.
You'll be mortal, and you'll have to live here.
Come on, woman, move.
I think he made it clear he doesn't wanna see me again.
Fine.
I'll go.
I'm sure he hasn't had a chance to tell anyone.
Unless he has a car phone.
Couple of days in the slammer might teach Carlton to fight a little better.
Oh, we can't just leave them here, Hilda.
It's partially our fault for pitting them against each other.
Really? I slept the whole time? It may be time to go back to naps.
Yeah, but I'm wide awake now, and I feel-- Go get it! Marigold, I'm really sorry about you losing your magic.
I feel responsible.
I just didn't want to pick up trash.
Oh, don't blame yourself, Sabrina.
I'm sure I can learn to cope.
Here.
You just flip the switch.
[MARIGOLD SIGHS.]
Dear Lord, what have I done? [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Why did I have to turn him into a retriever? Harvey.
Mr.
Andranini? Emil.
Ahem.
You came back.
I've been driving around the last hour, thinking.
- And talking.
- Yeah.
To my brother.
He, uh, thinks I'm crazy.
I am.
About you.
Wow.
And he's met my children.
I don't understand what happened tonight.
But for some strange reason, I know I wanna keep seeing you.
I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, I just wanna clarify one thing.
Do you have magical powers? I can honestly say I don't.
Yes! I did it! I'm not even gonna ask.
Look.
I did it.
- Marigold and Emil are in love.
- Oh, bully for them.
Oh, see, Sabrina? That wasn't so hard.
Throw it again.
Throw it again.
You really don't mind losing your magic? All I can say is I have had magic for hundreds of years, and I have never really been happy.
And now I'm happy.
What's the trick to this? Why do they have to make it so complicated? Oh, I almost forgot.
A poorly-cut valentine? No.
It's your clue to the family secret.
Hey.
You ever tried to use scissors? Barbaric.
Whoa, tornado in the bathroom? We never had to get dressed the mortal way before.
Buttons are hard.
Knock, knock.
Four hungry men reporting for duty.
This is, uh, Darryl.
And Angelo.
And you met Robby.
Hi, boys.
I'm Marigold.
And these are my daughters, Amanda and Ally.
Nice shirt.
Button it with your feet? No.
My fist.
[FROG CROAKS, ALLY SHRIEKING.]
EMIL: Kids, come on.
Hey.
Can we act like a family here? Quit saying that.
We're not a family.
Hey.
Now, Robby.
Guys.
Sounds like a real family to me.