Sabrina The Teenage Witch s05e18 Episode Script
Witchright Hall
Sabrina, is it my imagination or do you eat more with us now than when you lived here? Oh well, I couldn't stay away and nobody makes goulash like Aunt Zelda.
The trick is to marinate the ghoul.
Oh, who would be so rude as to send us mail at dinnertime? It's from cousin Marigold.
She wants to send her daughter Amanda to live with us for a year.
The same Amanda who set our house on fire? And locked me in a jar? I'm so out of here.
Wait, Sabrina.
Oh, poor Amanda's worse than ever.
Can a person be worse than pure evil? This is so sad.
Her mother just got married for the 19th time and Amanda's not taking it well.
That makes two of us.
I'm still trying to bag husband number one.
Marigold thinks if Amanda goes to school in the mortal realm and lives here with us we might be able to straighten her out.
Zelda, this is a huge commitment.
We're going to have to think long and hard before we agree to anything.
No, she can't come.
When's Amanda supposed to be here? Please let that be an earthquake.
Hi, everybody.
Thank you so, so much for taking me in.
Ooh, what died in here? That would be our dinner.
I'll order in.
I guess since you're at college I'll be taking over your room.
I think it's going to be really cool once I change everything about it.
Well, that just killed my appetite.
I think it killed everybody's.
Well, not everybody's.
Life's changing around me, and I'm gonna make it mine I'm reaching out and living by my rules Time's moving way too fast I wanna make it last 'Cause I'm out on my own now And I like the way it feels.
All right, well, that was fun.
See you in a year.
Honey, we're sorry Amanda's taking over your room but we can't turn our backs on family.
Oh, I wouldn't turn my back on Amanda ever.
We'll make sure she doesn't disturb any of your things.
Thanks for taking care of that.
Salem's right.
The girl's pure evil.
Ooh can I borrow this purse? Yeah, keep it all.
I'll be sure to write.
Zelda, what are we going to do? We can't send that little monster to a mortal high school.
Well, maybe we could home school her.
Over my dead body.
Oh, look.
A video.
From Marigold.
How thoughtful.
It's probably 20 years overdue, and she wants us to return it.
Oh, look, there's a note.
"I just met someone on my honeymoon who gave me this.
Try it if you're desperate and frustrated.
" That's when I usually rent a video.
Typical suburban teenagers living in a typical suburban home.
Not.
Welcome to Witchright Hall where rebellious and magically challenged young witches learn to function in the mortal realm.
Hot diggety, our troubles are over.
Where children live and go to school under the same roof learning to control their magical impulses and use their powers appropriately.
I've seen enough.
I'll get the checkbook.
- You throw Amanda in the car.
- Wait one minute.
To the neighborhood we're simply a loving couple who adopt delinquent youths.
Oh, my God.
That's James Hexton.
The James Hexton? Who's James Hexton? The man whose heart I shattered into a million pieces back in 1469.
Oh, he said he'd never forgive me.
Now I remember.
He waded through a moat of alligators just to see you and you slammed the door in his face.
I see his leg grew back.
This is a disaster.
If you take Amanda to the school for an interview she'll never get in.
He's right.
Someone else will have to take her.
I can't get anybody into school.
Daddy had to donate a fleet of Volkswagens to get me into clown college.
No, no, no, no, no.
On second thought no.
I'll buy you a Porsche.
Keep talking.
Hilda You can't bribe Sabrina into doing the right thing for her family.
Stay out of this.
Give me ten more seconds I'll have her palms so greased she'll need a drip pan.
Listen to me, Sabrina.
Witchright Hall is Amanda's last chance.
If she doesn't get accepted there she'll be banished to the mortal realm forever causing destruction wherever she goes.
Unbelievable.
I am this close to getting a 911 Turbo and you play the apocalypse card.
I am good.
Come on, Amanda, turn that frown upside down.
You're going to love it here.
What do you want? Why do I care? Uh, we have an appointment with the headmaster.
Amanda Wickam and her cousin Sabrina.
We're a little early Because everybody hates me and they can't wait to get rid of me.
Well, you sound like a real peach.
Door's open.
Oh, look at this sweet-looking dog.
Here, boy.
First off, I'm old enough to be your grandfather.
Secondly the name is Phil.
Oh, a dog named Phil.
Any relation to a boy named Sue? Hands off, toots.
I'm not one of your touchy-feely types.
I happen to be the head of the phys ed department.
Now, both of you drop and give me 20.
No way.
I don't go to school here.
Yet.
Okay, let's get a move on, you lard bottoms.
Coming, Coach Phil.
Pathetic bunch.
I know Yorkies who run faster than you.
Well, we know one thing: the phys ed department is solid.
Yeah, I wonder what kind of slobbering animal teaches history? That would be me.
James Hexton, headmaster.
In a few weeks I should have the slobbering under control.
She didn't mean that.
This is Amanda and I'm her cousin Sabrina.
Delighted.
Oh, um, would you excuse me a minute? A mob of angry women is about to show up at the door.
This is a decent! Make that mob of angry men.
I'm so hit and miss today.
Hexton that hormone-crazed son of yours is ruining our daughters' lives.
Oh, Lord, and it's only just 4:00.
All right, back in a jiff.
Well, I for one am loving this place.
Great.
Then you stay here and I'll move in with your roommates at college.
Nicely done.
Oh, I've often practiced that technique myself but I keep coming up against the same obstacle.
Irritable spell syndrome? I'm mortal.
The only magic I can do involves mascara and Lady Clairol.
Robin Davis, school director.
I'm guessing that feisty little frozen thing is Amanda.
Uh-huh.
I'm her room temperature cousin, Sabrina.
We have an appointment with Professor Hexton.
Oh, you are in for a treat.
The man is a true innovator.
This morning he took his world history class back in time to meet Gandhi.
Really? Yeah, they learned about passive resistance and then treated the Mahatma to an everything bagel.
Oh, well right now he's on the porch practicing passive resistance on some irate neighbors.
Bet that's going well.
Be right back.
This is a decent place live.
Afternoon, gentlemen.
What seems to be the problem today? Our daughters are so busy mooning over your boy, Sean they can't eat, sleep or do their homework.
You gotta love me.
Well, I don't think they gotta.
It just plain weird.
It's like he's got all the girls in the neighborhood hypnotized.
Hypnotized? Let me assure you My husband and I will do everything in our power to squelch whatever magic Sean wields over your daughters.
You know, this town thinks you and your husband are doing a fine thing taking in these screwed-up kids but if you can't control them, be advised: we've got a really testy Kiwanis Club.
Oh, well, let that be a warning to us.
You put some kind of romantic spell on those girls, didn't you? It seemed to work nicely with the dork spell I put on their boyfriends.
Sean, you can't play around with people's feelings.
Oh, unlike you two, who can play around with the most sacred institution in the mortal realm? Indian bingo? You pretend you're married.
For your protection-- to keep away suspicious neighbors.
Working like a charm so far.
Don't you mouth off to us.
I'm sending you up to your room and taking away your magic.
Now, give me the finger.
With pleasure.
You know what I mean.
Very impressive.
Oh, it's been a busy week.
Got fingers coming out of my Don't ask.
Okay, Sabrina.
What do you say we defrost your cousin and get this interview rolling? Oh, my God, I did it.
No, it was me.
It's always you.
Nice meeting you.
Catch up with you later.
If you'd care to come this way.
Oh, well, when in Rome Well, first off, let's make ourselves comfortable.
Oh, well we're already comfortable.
We felt at home the minute we walked in the door, right, Amanda? This place bites.
It can.
I wouldn't pet the phys ed teacher.
All right, let's review your file.
Wickam file, Wickam file.
I know I put it somewhere.
Excuse me.
Ah, yes.
Uh, Wickam I believe Yes, here we are.
Let's see.
You've been expelled from 12 different schools.
You forced 14 teachers into early retirement one into a straitjacket.
On the other hand, you were the top seller in the Other Realm High magazine drive.
That's what I love about Amanda-- she's a real go-getter.
It says here you never turned in the money.
That's because I spent it on a mountain bike.
No, wait.
I stole the bike.
I spent the money on a Kate Spade bag.
So Amanda has a problem with dishonesty and greed but that's just because of her troubled background.
I think if you get to know Amanda you will see that she is a good spirit with a kind heart.
Oh! Ow! See how quickly she warmed up to you? I'm so sorry-- I'm sure if I just make a few phone calls, I can get all of Amanda's records.
Not necessary.
I know the type of student I'm dealing with.
Oh, please, Professor there's a lot more to Amanda than meets the eye.
I-I mean, she's very serious about school.
I'll have a banana split two scoops of vanilla, with chocolate sprinkles.
Oh, and, uh get a little something for yourself.
I don't think so.
Well, so much for the interview.
Now, when can you come back for the tour? Hmm.
Never? Or now, or sooner, you know.
Whatever works for you.
How about after my faculty meeting? Oh, Amanda's flexible.
What a kid! All right, let's begin today's meeting with old business.
Any old business? Yes, we need equipment for the gym.
We don't have a gym.
We need a gym.
I'll look into it.
Any new business? I think we should talk about Sean.
He's been wreaking havoc around here for months and, frankly, I don't know if we can turn him around.
Let me handle it.
There's a pack of Rottweilers downtown who owe me.
You want to have a student attacked by a pack of wild dogs? You make it sound so dirty.
Maybe that's because my approach to education doesn't usually involve drawing blood.
James, he's been bringing the entire neighborhood to our door and jeopardizing the security of the school.
We may have to consider expulsion.
I cannot believe what I am hearing.
Are you telling me you want to just give up on a troubled youth and turn him out on the street? I'm with the broad.
Dump the chump.
Tough love, baby.
Yeah, well, forgive me if I don't take the advice of someone who scratches himself at the dining room table.
I'm not giving up on Sean.
If the witches had given up on me when I was at correctional school, where would I be today? Congress? Do we have any beer nuts? All right, that's it.
Meeting adjourned.
Robin, why don't you show Sabrina and Amanda around the school.
Then later, I'll have Amanda sit in on my Ethics class.
How can I be of service? You can clean up the mess you left in the backyard.
Deal.
But I want a new dental plan.
Hi.
You must be Amanda.
Are you a new student here? I hope not.
You're negative.
I used to be negative.
Now, I just want to make a good impression and have people like me for the positive, uplifting person that I am.
Good luck with that.
Thanks.
Time for class.
Are you sitting in? Wouldn't miss it.
Great, you can sit right next to me.
The seat is always empty.
What a shock.
Hey, everybody.
Let's give a warm welcome to our guest, Amanda.
I love that outfit.
It's yours.
That's the best you guys can do? And you call yourselves delinquents? Ah, I do all right.
The other day, I zapped a third cheek onto Professor Hexton's butt.
You're still doing butt jokes? That's so second grade.
So, what do you do for fun? You're looking at the witch who put the hole in the ozone layer.
Wow, I didn't know girls could do stuff like that.
Well, you don't know this girl.
Okay, so here's the plan for today's class.
You-- the minute Hexton starts to talk release the killer bees.
You-- when the mood strikes unleash tornado in a drum.
And stay low.
And you, Smiley salmonella or mad cow disease.
I like them both.
Aren't we going to get in trouble? Hello, we're witches.
You people have so much to learn.
And I'll be the one teaching them thank you very much.
Now, please take your seats and I'll take those jars.
Well, Miss Wickam You certainly are quite bold for a guest.
I'm just getting warmed up.
Listen to me, dearie.
I've been a witch since the Spanish Inquisition and if Torquemada didn't scare me, you certainly don't.
All right, now, where did we leave off yesterday? I was telling Sean how I used my magic to hack into the computers at the Pentagon and you were babbling on about something.
Ethics.
Doesn't ring a bell.
Ah, yes, now I remember.
I was about to pose a problem.
Suppose suppose you meet a mortal with whom you're interested in having a relationship.
How would you go about that? Sam.
Well, I'd use a mind-reading spell to amass data from her brain and then photographically memorize her interests.
News flash, dude.
You're photographing the wrong stuff.
Yes, just the person you want to listen to.
The only way he can get a girl to like him is to put a spell on her.
Now, can anyone tell me what's wrong with what Sean did? He got caught.
Hmm oh, yes, he did and now his magic finger lives in this jar with a toe.
Can't explain.
All right, now, listen up, people.
Here's the deal.
You can't find a relationship in a potion bottle.
Oh, sure, you can manipulate people but real friendship, true love-- they need more than magic to survive.
They need human emotion.
What makes you such an expert? Well, I wouldn't exactly call myself an expert but I do have some good friends and I did know true love once.
Hmm.
It was the summer of '69 one of his backyard barbecues.
Suddenly, I looked up and saw a vision due west of a suckling pig.
She was beautiful.
Hmm she was brilliant and for a brief moment in time, she was mine.
What happened? Ah, she left me for that studmuffin, Gutenberg.
Ah, big deal.
So the guy printed a bible.
It's not like he wrote the blasted thing.
Sorry.
Well, maybe if you'd used magic you would have stayed together.
Ah, but it wouldn't have been the same, would it? Because I'd already experienced real magic-- that all-consuming passion that comes from within.
That's the most romantic story I've ever heard but if anybody ever dumps me for a bible maker they're toast.
So, are you saying a guy like me can get a girl without using any magic? I did.
But she, like, totally broke your heart.
Hmm.
Letting me know I had one.
Now, why don't you see if you can find yours.
All right, people, I'm going to let you ponder these matters for a while while I take these jars to the landfill.
Carry on.
Okay, Amanda, what else you got in that magic bag? Everything from cold sores to cold wars.
Cool.
Let me be the first to say you'd be a real asset to this school.
And you can help me with the yearbook.
We still have a number of applications to review before we fill the space, but we'll call you as soon as we make our decision.
Okay, well, we'll be waiting by the phone or the toaster, you know, whichever's quicker.
All right, let me have it-- you hate this place, right? I don't know, it beats living with stepfather number 19.
Amanda, that is the most positive thing you've ever said.
You must really like it here.
Well, it's the first place I ever felt I belonged.
If you get accepted here, you don't have to be shuttled back and forth from realm to realm.
I mean, you could really find some stability here and turn your life around.
Yeah, it all sounds good but I learned a long time ago not to get my hopes up.
I'll put in a good word for you but it may not carry much weight-- I'm an umbrella.
What's taking so long? Why haven't they called yet? When they do, can I answer the phone? I want to hear James's voice one more time.
Amanda really liked the place.
I sure hope she gets in.
That makes four of us.
Five of us.
Hello.
Hi, hi, Professor Hexton.
So? No? Oh! Oh, say it ain't so! But she was so I see but Amanda really liked Okay thanks, anyway.
I don't believe this.
You? We're the ones who are going to be stuck living with her.
Did they give you any explanation as to why they didn't accept Amanda? No, but they're going to.
Is it okay if I go to Compumart to look at hard drives? Well, after you clear your place.
The right way, please.
I caught the end of your lecture today.
It was very moving.
Oh, thanks.
Do you think it had any effect on the kids? Well, I know it made me look at things a bit differently.
Do you think that you could ever love that way again? Well, I suppose it's possible.
I can't believe you rejected my cousin, Amanda.
If she's not right for this nuthouse, who is? Hillary Kursburg.
Thanks to her the Cubs haven't won a World Series since 1908.
We take only the most extreme cases.
At the end of the day we felt that Amanda just wasn't as troubled a soul.
She's a nightmare! She's a spoiled, selfish little brat who's been nothing but trouble since the day she was born.
We thought she was rather nice.
Actually, that's the main reason we rejected her.
Well, you saw the well-behaved Amanda.
Want to see the real Amanda? Watch what happens when she finds out she didn't get accepted.
She's going to go ballistic.
Anything? Did the school call? Yes, sweetheart.
Well, did I get in? In your dreams, sweetheart.
Nasty cat.
Oh, you think he's bad.
Keep watching Ten to one says she blows up the house.
She's crying! Tears of rage, I assure you.
I really liked it there.
I mean, it's the first place that ever felt like home.
Amazing! Amanda's the first student ever to cry because she didn't get accepted.
Normally, they cry because they do.
She can change, I promise! No, that won't be necessary.
Any witch who's that desperate to be here deserves a place.
You mean, you'll accept her? What about the Kursburg girl? Oh, she's small.
We can squeeze her in.
How soon can you have Amanda here? Oh, sooner than you can imagine.
Just so we're clear I'm not sharing a room with anybody.
I'll get it.
Well, hello.
Hi, my name's Tiffany.
I'm selling raffle tickets for my church.
They're only a dollar.
Are you interested? I'm interested.
I'll take five tickets.
I guess we'll see if he learned anything in class.
I don't see why a guy who looks like that even needs magic.
Thank you very much.
No, thank you.
If you want a kiss, I need dinner and a movie.
Where's the girl? In your sick little mind.
Now give me 50 laps and take a cold shower.
And I'm keeping the five smackeroos.
Man Well, I can't say I like your tactics very much but you made your point.
However, I refuse to give up on Sean.
Hexton, you're softer than a chewed-up slipper.
Which reminds me, my gums are killing me.
How about that dental plan?
The trick is to marinate the ghoul.
Oh, who would be so rude as to send us mail at dinnertime? It's from cousin Marigold.
She wants to send her daughter Amanda to live with us for a year.
The same Amanda who set our house on fire? And locked me in a jar? I'm so out of here.
Wait, Sabrina.
Oh, poor Amanda's worse than ever.
Can a person be worse than pure evil? This is so sad.
Her mother just got married for the 19th time and Amanda's not taking it well.
That makes two of us.
I'm still trying to bag husband number one.
Marigold thinks if Amanda goes to school in the mortal realm and lives here with us we might be able to straighten her out.
Zelda, this is a huge commitment.
We're going to have to think long and hard before we agree to anything.
No, she can't come.
When's Amanda supposed to be here? Please let that be an earthquake.
Hi, everybody.
Thank you so, so much for taking me in.
Ooh, what died in here? That would be our dinner.
I'll order in.
I guess since you're at college I'll be taking over your room.
I think it's going to be really cool once I change everything about it.
Well, that just killed my appetite.
I think it killed everybody's.
Well, not everybody's.
Life's changing around me, and I'm gonna make it mine I'm reaching out and living by my rules Time's moving way too fast I wanna make it last 'Cause I'm out on my own now And I like the way it feels.
All right, well, that was fun.
See you in a year.
Honey, we're sorry Amanda's taking over your room but we can't turn our backs on family.
Oh, I wouldn't turn my back on Amanda ever.
We'll make sure she doesn't disturb any of your things.
Thanks for taking care of that.
Salem's right.
The girl's pure evil.
Ooh can I borrow this purse? Yeah, keep it all.
I'll be sure to write.
Zelda, what are we going to do? We can't send that little monster to a mortal high school.
Well, maybe we could home school her.
Over my dead body.
Oh, look.
A video.
From Marigold.
How thoughtful.
It's probably 20 years overdue, and she wants us to return it.
Oh, look, there's a note.
"I just met someone on my honeymoon who gave me this.
Try it if you're desperate and frustrated.
" That's when I usually rent a video.
Typical suburban teenagers living in a typical suburban home.
Not.
Welcome to Witchright Hall where rebellious and magically challenged young witches learn to function in the mortal realm.
Hot diggety, our troubles are over.
Where children live and go to school under the same roof learning to control their magical impulses and use their powers appropriately.
I've seen enough.
I'll get the checkbook.
- You throw Amanda in the car.
- Wait one minute.
To the neighborhood we're simply a loving couple who adopt delinquent youths.
Oh, my God.
That's James Hexton.
The James Hexton? Who's James Hexton? The man whose heart I shattered into a million pieces back in 1469.
Oh, he said he'd never forgive me.
Now I remember.
He waded through a moat of alligators just to see you and you slammed the door in his face.
I see his leg grew back.
This is a disaster.
If you take Amanda to the school for an interview she'll never get in.
He's right.
Someone else will have to take her.
I can't get anybody into school.
Daddy had to donate a fleet of Volkswagens to get me into clown college.
No, no, no, no, no.
On second thought no.
I'll buy you a Porsche.
Keep talking.
Hilda You can't bribe Sabrina into doing the right thing for her family.
Stay out of this.
Give me ten more seconds I'll have her palms so greased she'll need a drip pan.
Listen to me, Sabrina.
Witchright Hall is Amanda's last chance.
If she doesn't get accepted there she'll be banished to the mortal realm forever causing destruction wherever she goes.
Unbelievable.
I am this close to getting a 911 Turbo and you play the apocalypse card.
I am good.
Come on, Amanda, turn that frown upside down.
You're going to love it here.
What do you want? Why do I care? Uh, we have an appointment with the headmaster.
Amanda Wickam and her cousin Sabrina.
We're a little early Because everybody hates me and they can't wait to get rid of me.
Well, you sound like a real peach.
Door's open.
Oh, look at this sweet-looking dog.
Here, boy.
First off, I'm old enough to be your grandfather.
Secondly the name is Phil.
Oh, a dog named Phil.
Any relation to a boy named Sue? Hands off, toots.
I'm not one of your touchy-feely types.
I happen to be the head of the phys ed department.
Now, both of you drop and give me 20.
No way.
I don't go to school here.
Yet.
Okay, let's get a move on, you lard bottoms.
Coming, Coach Phil.
Pathetic bunch.
I know Yorkies who run faster than you.
Well, we know one thing: the phys ed department is solid.
Yeah, I wonder what kind of slobbering animal teaches history? That would be me.
James Hexton, headmaster.
In a few weeks I should have the slobbering under control.
She didn't mean that.
This is Amanda and I'm her cousin Sabrina.
Delighted.
Oh, um, would you excuse me a minute? A mob of angry women is about to show up at the door.
This is a decent! Make that mob of angry men.
I'm so hit and miss today.
Hexton that hormone-crazed son of yours is ruining our daughters' lives.
Oh, Lord, and it's only just 4:00.
All right, back in a jiff.
Well, I for one am loving this place.
Great.
Then you stay here and I'll move in with your roommates at college.
Nicely done.
Oh, I've often practiced that technique myself but I keep coming up against the same obstacle.
Irritable spell syndrome? I'm mortal.
The only magic I can do involves mascara and Lady Clairol.
Robin Davis, school director.
I'm guessing that feisty little frozen thing is Amanda.
Uh-huh.
I'm her room temperature cousin, Sabrina.
We have an appointment with Professor Hexton.
Oh, you are in for a treat.
The man is a true innovator.
This morning he took his world history class back in time to meet Gandhi.
Really? Yeah, they learned about passive resistance and then treated the Mahatma to an everything bagel.
Oh, well right now he's on the porch practicing passive resistance on some irate neighbors.
Bet that's going well.
Be right back.
This is a decent place live.
Afternoon, gentlemen.
What seems to be the problem today? Our daughters are so busy mooning over your boy, Sean they can't eat, sleep or do their homework.
You gotta love me.
Well, I don't think they gotta.
It just plain weird.
It's like he's got all the girls in the neighborhood hypnotized.
Hypnotized? Let me assure you My husband and I will do everything in our power to squelch whatever magic Sean wields over your daughters.
You know, this town thinks you and your husband are doing a fine thing taking in these screwed-up kids but if you can't control them, be advised: we've got a really testy Kiwanis Club.
Oh, well, let that be a warning to us.
You put some kind of romantic spell on those girls, didn't you? It seemed to work nicely with the dork spell I put on their boyfriends.
Sean, you can't play around with people's feelings.
Oh, unlike you two, who can play around with the most sacred institution in the mortal realm? Indian bingo? You pretend you're married.
For your protection-- to keep away suspicious neighbors.
Working like a charm so far.
Don't you mouth off to us.
I'm sending you up to your room and taking away your magic.
Now, give me the finger.
With pleasure.
You know what I mean.
Very impressive.
Oh, it's been a busy week.
Got fingers coming out of my Don't ask.
Okay, Sabrina.
What do you say we defrost your cousin and get this interview rolling? Oh, my God, I did it.
No, it was me.
It's always you.
Nice meeting you.
Catch up with you later.
If you'd care to come this way.
Oh, well, when in Rome Well, first off, let's make ourselves comfortable.
Oh, well we're already comfortable.
We felt at home the minute we walked in the door, right, Amanda? This place bites.
It can.
I wouldn't pet the phys ed teacher.
All right, let's review your file.
Wickam file, Wickam file.
I know I put it somewhere.
Excuse me.
Ah, yes.
Uh, Wickam I believe Yes, here we are.
Let's see.
You've been expelled from 12 different schools.
You forced 14 teachers into early retirement one into a straitjacket.
On the other hand, you were the top seller in the Other Realm High magazine drive.
That's what I love about Amanda-- she's a real go-getter.
It says here you never turned in the money.
That's because I spent it on a mountain bike.
No, wait.
I stole the bike.
I spent the money on a Kate Spade bag.
So Amanda has a problem with dishonesty and greed but that's just because of her troubled background.
I think if you get to know Amanda you will see that she is a good spirit with a kind heart.
Oh! Ow! See how quickly she warmed up to you? I'm so sorry-- I'm sure if I just make a few phone calls, I can get all of Amanda's records.
Not necessary.
I know the type of student I'm dealing with.
Oh, please, Professor there's a lot more to Amanda than meets the eye.
I-I mean, she's very serious about school.
I'll have a banana split two scoops of vanilla, with chocolate sprinkles.
Oh, and, uh get a little something for yourself.
I don't think so.
Well, so much for the interview.
Now, when can you come back for the tour? Hmm.
Never? Or now, or sooner, you know.
Whatever works for you.
How about after my faculty meeting? Oh, Amanda's flexible.
What a kid! All right, let's begin today's meeting with old business.
Any old business? Yes, we need equipment for the gym.
We don't have a gym.
We need a gym.
I'll look into it.
Any new business? I think we should talk about Sean.
He's been wreaking havoc around here for months and, frankly, I don't know if we can turn him around.
Let me handle it.
There's a pack of Rottweilers downtown who owe me.
You want to have a student attacked by a pack of wild dogs? You make it sound so dirty.
Maybe that's because my approach to education doesn't usually involve drawing blood.
James, he's been bringing the entire neighborhood to our door and jeopardizing the security of the school.
We may have to consider expulsion.
I cannot believe what I am hearing.
Are you telling me you want to just give up on a troubled youth and turn him out on the street? I'm with the broad.
Dump the chump.
Tough love, baby.
Yeah, well, forgive me if I don't take the advice of someone who scratches himself at the dining room table.
I'm not giving up on Sean.
If the witches had given up on me when I was at correctional school, where would I be today? Congress? Do we have any beer nuts? All right, that's it.
Meeting adjourned.
Robin, why don't you show Sabrina and Amanda around the school.
Then later, I'll have Amanda sit in on my Ethics class.
How can I be of service? You can clean up the mess you left in the backyard.
Deal.
But I want a new dental plan.
Hi.
You must be Amanda.
Are you a new student here? I hope not.
You're negative.
I used to be negative.
Now, I just want to make a good impression and have people like me for the positive, uplifting person that I am.
Good luck with that.
Thanks.
Time for class.
Are you sitting in? Wouldn't miss it.
Great, you can sit right next to me.
The seat is always empty.
What a shock.
Hey, everybody.
Let's give a warm welcome to our guest, Amanda.
I love that outfit.
It's yours.
That's the best you guys can do? And you call yourselves delinquents? Ah, I do all right.
The other day, I zapped a third cheek onto Professor Hexton's butt.
You're still doing butt jokes? That's so second grade.
So, what do you do for fun? You're looking at the witch who put the hole in the ozone layer.
Wow, I didn't know girls could do stuff like that.
Well, you don't know this girl.
Okay, so here's the plan for today's class.
You-- the minute Hexton starts to talk release the killer bees.
You-- when the mood strikes unleash tornado in a drum.
And stay low.
And you, Smiley salmonella or mad cow disease.
I like them both.
Aren't we going to get in trouble? Hello, we're witches.
You people have so much to learn.
And I'll be the one teaching them thank you very much.
Now, please take your seats and I'll take those jars.
Well, Miss Wickam You certainly are quite bold for a guest.
I'm just getting warmed up.
Listen to me, dearie.
I've been a witch since the Spanish Inquisition and if Torquemada didn't scare me, you certainly don't.
All right, now, where did we leave off yesterday? I was telling Sean how I used my magic to hack into the computers at the Pentagon and you were babbling on about something.
Ethics.
Doesn't ring a bell.
Ah, yes, now I remember.
I was about to pose a problem.
Suppose suppose you meet a mortal with whom you're interested in having a relationship.
How would you go about that? Sam.
Well, I'd use a mind-reading spell to amass data from her brain and then photographically memorize her interests.
News flash, dude.
You're photographing the wrong stuff.
Yes, just the person you want to listen to.
The only way he can get a girl to like him is to put a spell on her.
Now, can anyone tell me what's wrong with what Sean did? He got caught.
Hmm oh, yes, he did and now his magic finger lives in this jar with a toe.
Can't explain.
All right, now, listen up, people.
Here's the deal.
You can't find a relationship in a potion bottle.
Oh, sure, you can manipulate people but real friendship, true love-- they need more than magic to survive.
They need human emotion.
What makes you such an expert? Well, I wouldn't exactly call myself an expert but I do have some good friends and I did know true love once.
Hmm.
It was the summer of '69 one of his backyard barbecues.
Suddenly, I looked up and saw a vision due west of a suckling pig.
She was beautiful.
Hmm she was brilliant and for a brief moment in time, she was mine.
What happened? Ah, she left me for that studmuffin, Gutenberg.
Ah, big deal.
So the guy printed a bible.
It's not like he wrote the blasted thing.
Sorry.
Well, maybe if you'd used magic you would have stayed together.
Ah, but it wouldn't have been the same, would it? Because I'd already experienced real magic-- that all-consuming passion that comes from within.
That's the most romantic story I've ever heard but if anybody ever dumps me for a bible maker they're toast.
So, are you saying a guy like me can get a girl without using any magic? I did.
But she, like, totally broke your heart.
Hmm.
Letting me know I had one.
Now, why don't you see if you can find yours.
All right, people, I'm going to let you ponder these matters for a while while I take these jars to the landfill.
Carry on.
Okay, Amanda, what else you got in that magic bag? Everything from cold sores to cold wars.
Cool.
Let me be the first to say you'd be a real asset to this school.
And you can help me with the yearbook.
We still have a number of applications to review before we fill the space, but we'll call you as soon as we make our decision.
Okay, well, we'll be waiting by the phone or the toaster, you know, whichever's quicker.
All right, let me have it-- you hate this place, right? I don't know, it beats living with stepfather number 19.
Amanda, that is the most positive thing you've ever said.
You must really like it here.
Well, it's the first place I ever felt I belonged.
If you get accepted here, you don't have to be shuttled back and forth from realm to realm.
I mean, you could really find some stability here and turn your life around.
Yeah, it all sounds good but I learned a long time ago not to get my hopes up.
I'll put in a good word for you but it may not carry much weight-- I'm an umbrella.
What's taking so long? Why haven't they called yet? When they do, can I answer the phone? I want to hear James's voice one more time.
Amanda really liked the place.
I sure hope she gets in.
That makes four of us.
Five of us.
Hello.
Hi, hi, Professor Hexton.
So? No? Oh! Oh, say it ain't so! But she was so I see but Amanda really liked Okay thanks, anyway.
I don't believe this.
You? We're the ones who are going to be stuck living with her.
Did they give you any explanation as to why they didn't accept Amanda? No, but they're going to.
Is it okay if I go to Compumart to look at hard drives? Well, after you clear your place.
The right way, please.
I caught the end of your lecture today.
It was very moving.
Oh, thanks.
Do you think it had any effect on the kids? Well, I know it made me look at things a bit differently.
Do you think that you could ever love that way again? Well, I suppose it's possible.
I can't believe you rejected my cousin, Amanda.
If she's not right for this nuthouse, who is? Hillary Kursburg.
Thanks to her the Cubs haven't won a World Series since 1908.
We take only the most extreme cases.
At the end of the day we felt that Amanda just wasn't as troubled a soul.
She's a nightmare! She's a spoiled, selfish little brat who's been nothing but trouble since the day she was born.
We thought she was rather nice.
Actually, that's the main reason we rejected her.
Well, you saw the well-behaved Amanda.
Want to see the real Amanda? Watch what happens when she finds out she didn't get accepted.
She's going to go ballistic.
Anything? Did the school call? Yes, sweetheart.
Well, did I get in? In your dreams, sweetheart.
Nasty cat.
Oh, you think he's bad.
Keep watching Ten to one says she blows up the house.
She's crying! Tears of rage, I assure you.
I really liked it there.
I mean, it's the first place that ever felt like home.
Amazing! Amanda's the first student ever to cry because she didn't get accepted.
Normally, they cry because they do.
She can change, I promise! No, that won't be necessary.
Any witch who's that desperate to be here deserves a place.
You mean, you'll accept her? What about the Kursburg girl? Oh, she's small.
We can squeeze her in.
How soon can you have Amanda here? Oh, sooner than you can imagine.
Just so we're clear I'm not sharing a room with anybody.
I'll get it.
Well, hello.
Hi, my name's Tiffany.
I'm selling raffle tickets for my church.
They're only a dollar.
Are you interested? I'm interested.
I'll take five tickets.
I guess we'll see if he learned anything in class.
I don't see why a guy who looks like that even needs magic.
Thank you very much.
No, thank you.
If you want a kiss, I need dinner and a movie.
Where's the girl? In your sick little mind.
Now give me 50 laps and take a cold shower.
And I'm keeping the five smackeroos.
Man Well, I can't say I like your tactics very much but you made your point.
However, I refuse to give up on Sean.
Hexton, you're softer than a chewed-up slipper.
Which reminds me, my gums are killing me.
How about that dental plan?