Silicon Valley (2014) s06e05 Episode Script
Tethics
1 Why isn't this book about tech? I didn't write about tech because tech destroys worlds.
- And I, I wanted to create - (CLAPPING) May I have a token for the restroom, please? ETHAN: So, you guys are planning to build your own external antennas to deploy for the Hawaii test? Why not just give away Hooli phones for the test? I don't wanna use Hooli shit any more than you guys, but this will get us to Hawaii.
HOOVER: MSNBC wanted to interview you about being an "anti-tech evangelist.
" What did Publishers Weekly say about my book? Publishers Weekly is a terrible magazine, sir.
Call Maddow.
(PHONE PINGS) It's from Gwart.
"I'm dissolving my company and taking a job elsewhere.
" I'm free to return to work with Richard.
Your position's been filled.
No, it hasn't.
(MOTORCYCLE RUMBLING) - - (ROARING) - - (ROARING) - - (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) (EXPLOSION) (EXPLOSION) (EXPLOSION) (EXPLOSIONS) (MUSIC ENDS) Fuck yeah, right? You see the chick in the racism car? I banged her in the famine truck.
I-I'm sorry.
What is this? It's the trailer for my festival, RussFest.
Three days of partying, sucking, and fucking on a plot of land so far out even Nevada barely wants it.
I'll be serving Tres Commas exclusively.
It's gonna be like Burning Man, except I'll make a fuckton of money.
So, Earning Man? I literally love you, you spooky fuck.
So, we in? - In what? - RussFest.
There's no internet in the middle of the desert, Richard.
Maybe that's why no one lives out there.
I don't know, I'm not an archaeologist.
All I know is they're telling me it's gonna cost a fucking fortune to get the infrastructure out there.
Unless you guys do it for free.
- Why would we do it for free? - Because it's cool.
- It's good for your brand.
- RICHARD: Well, Russ, we appreciate the interest I like where this is going.
- But - Fuck! Uh, right now, we are trying to launch a huge pilot program in Hawaii.
Dinesh is actually heading out there first thing tomorrow morning, and I am about to sit down with the network operations president of AT&T, trying to close this massive deal, but that all depends on getting Hawaii right.
There's just no way we could do both.
And you would rather do Hawaii than RussFest? I would rather do my own mother than RussFest.
How come whenever you guys wanna do some shit, I'm always like, "fuck yeah!" But whenever I wanna do some cool shit, you guys piss all over it! You know what? Gimme this.
Have fun shoving pineapples up each other's dick holes! And pussy holes.
You creepy fuck.
(THEME SONG PLAYING) What have I been telling you, Lawrence? Impressive.
Very impressive.
Looking forward - to talking a lot more.
- Yeah.
Yeah, definitely.
(INAUDIBLE) - Richard! - (GASPS) Whoo! - Sorry.
Um, how did it go? - Cool.
Well, I wanna keep it on the down-low, but, uh - (SLAMS DOOR) - Fuck.
Is that joy? It could not have gone better.
When they found out how much money they could save by using us to help simplify their 5G rollout, they practically shit themselves.
(LAUGH) This could be bigger than we thought.
Monica, we could be on 100 million phones.
- Holy shit.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
- Yeah.
- You know, focus on Hawaii, - make sure we land the plane.
- Yeah.
It's weird.
I actually don't know what to do when things are going well.
It is not natural.
(CHUCKLING) - Yeah.
- Okay.
Ha, ha, ha! HOST: What's the newest killer app coming out of Silicon Valley? Would you believe ethics? It's all thanks to our first guest, a former big-tech CEO turned responsible tech evangelist You know what? Not even this turd is gonna bring me down right now.
HOST: caution and accountability.
Thanks for being here.
GAVIN: Well, I always find time for you, Gabby.
Please.
No one is buying your bullshit, Gavin.
GAVIN: My message invigorates me.
For too long, these large tech companies have harvested our data, they have violated our privacy, they have tracked our every move.
They is you, you hypocrite.
You did that.
He did that! Starting today, I will be asking prominent members of the tech community to sign their name onto this.
A code of conduct, authored by me, that pledges them to a universal ethos, which I created, that I call, "tech ethics," or, "tethics" for short.
- Oof.
- GABBY: Tethics.
Clever.
- (GIGGLING) - No.
No, it isn't.
Fuck that guy.
Honestly, fuck that guy.
Richard, I have your tea.
No one in town is ever gonna sign this hypocrite's - hypocritical garbage.
- GABBY: Well, I'm sold.
Can I sign? GAVIN: Well, you have to lead a corporation.
Okay.
And how about you at home? Are you tethical? Tweet us @GoodDayTheBay and let us know where you stand.
Sure, yes, I will.
Get ready for some opinions.
Holden? Why is the television on the news? Jared, I don't need you telling me my job, okay? Holden, um, I know things have been a bit antagonistic between us.
We've been like, uh, Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan.
But, I've been thinking about it, and you work for Richard, and I want what's best for him 'cause I want him to be happy, so from now on you're my friend.
You're my best friend.
Even if you make the occasional oopsie.
Are you fucking with me? Why would I do that to my best friend? - Love you like a brother.
- Uh Absolutely not.
We haven't told you what we want yet.
- Irrelevant.
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
- TRACY: I'd like to talk to you about your Piper-Pulse numbers.
GILFOYLE: I'd like that, Tracy, because I have no idea what the fuck that is.
Of course you do.
It's the system that Tracy created for employees to give feedback on senior management.
TRACY: The point is, I happen to know a lot of folks over at AT&T, and I think it might help us if I back-channel some of the information I've gathered.
But before I do, I'd like to tell you how you're doing.
I know how I'm doing.
I'm fucking killing it.
I'm building great shit out there.
Yes.
Your acumen scores are excellent.
On a scale of one to 10, you're at a 9.
9.
So, all 10's and - Dinesh.
- But, it's your interpersonal rating I'd like to drill down on.
It's at 1.
5.
Your coworkers find you unapproachable, rude, and capable of great hurt with an unsettling stare.
Okay.
We want AT&T to see a thriving company.
If you really make a concerted effort at outreach and team building, - you could get your numbers up.
- GILFOYLE: Tracy.
I appreciate you wanting to participate in the world of numbers.
I find it endearing.
But yours are horseshit.
They measure nothing.
If I wanted to, I could have all 10's by the end of the week.
Gilfoyle, metrics like Piper-Pulse are a widely accepted measure of how your peers feel about you.
Speaking of, Monica, your interpersonal is at a 2.
- What? - Huh.
No, that's just because Priyanka and her little witch's nest over at Foxhole are bringing my numbers down.
No.
Most of your lower scores are coming from engineers, who are 84% male.
Maybe you should try some of that outreach.
Whatever I do, I'm sure I could do it better than you.
Two days.
All 10's.
Deal.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Aloha.
Aloha to you.
Aloha.
Alo - Oh, hey, Dinesh.
- What the fuck.
I like your beard.
Um, why are you here? Where's AJ? Oh, AJ can't come.
You wanted him to become a certified scuba before the trip, right? Yeah, so we could fucking scuba, Gabe.
Well, he finished all his check dives last night, but you have to wait 24 hours before you fly, so we decided to trade places.
- For the day? - Uh, no.
F-for-for all of it.
- Why? - Because it - it-it'd be easier? - No.
And what are you doing in first class? So, the pilot is from Pakistan.
I said, "Hey, I know a guy from Pakistan.
I work with him.
" And then he said, "Hey, why don't you come to the front and sit in the big chairs.
" B-but that's me.
I'm the guy from Pakistan.
I told him that, and then he and then he put me here.
Okay, but I, the guy from Pakistan - Right.
- am back in economy.
Sir? You're gonna need to take your seat.
And Captain Bashir wanted you to have these samosas his mother made.
Oh.
No, thank you.
(TYPING) You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Hey, Danny? Excuse me? - What are you wearing? - A shirt.
(SCOFFS) - Oh, my God.
- I think a lot of what Gavin is saying makes sense.
Yeah, of course it does.
I've been saying it for years.
- So, you agree with him? - Well, no.
He is full of shit.
But, you aren't, even though you're saying the same things? Yeah, because I mean it! And I said it first! That feels petty and personal, which is against Gavin's code of tethics.
- What does that even mean? - Hey, Richard, - are you signing Gavin's pledge? - Ah, what? Because I'm getting a lot of heat from my friends over at Facebook for working at an untethical company.
Okay, cool.
So, Facebook is calling us untethical.
Yeah, because they signed the pledge.
So did Google and Amazon and Twitter.
- Don't care.
- DANNY: Speaking of, even if you don't sign, could you at least stop tweeting about it? "Anyone who signs this Tethics thing is a thumbass"? - That doesn't even make sense.
- (CHUCKLE) Yes, it does.
It's dumbass but with thumb.
Thumbass.
It's basically perfect.
Tethics is tech ethics.
What's the thumb part? And why are you tweeting that from your personal account? The Verge referred to you as "notable tethics holdout and amateur insult comedian Richard Hendricks.
" - (SIGH) - Andy Borowitz wrote a pointed piece about you - called "Doubting Richard.
" - Ah, see? That doesn't really make any sense.
I mean, what's the pun? What am I supposed to be enjoying there? Now, you're harshing on Borowitz? Well, yeah, if he's coming up with those zingers.
If you like Andy Borowitz so much, why don't you marry him? Says the guy who's three months behind in child support.
A dog is not a child! - Uh - Michael Eisenberg from AT&T is on the phone.
- He says it's urgent.
- Ah, great.
Hey, Michael, what's up? Did you just publicly insult my boss? What? No.
"Anyone who signs this Tethics thing is a thumbass.
" Well, my boss just signed Gavin Belson's pledge.
- He did? Why? - MICHAEL: Because loudmouths like you got up in front of Congress and whined about how somebody needed to do something about big tech.
Okay, I did that one time MICHAEL: And now, Gavin has managed to paint himself as that guy.
And we all have to fall in line, or we'll be in PR hell.
Or worse! We'll face government regulation.
MICHAEL: Look, have you read his pledge? (LAUGHS) No, of course not.
It's trash.
The first line says, "We, the undersigned, promise to make best efforts to," blah, blah, blah.
Best efforts, Richard.
It's totally toothless.
Yes.
Exactly, Michael.
That's entirely my point.
It's all empty bullshit.
It means nothing.
MICHAEL: Then who the fuck cares, Richard? Do not fuck this all up over a pointless moral stand! - Okay.
- MICHAEL: Sign the fucking pledge! Oh, and stop tweeting about thumbs up people's asses.
- Oh.
No, th-that's wordplay.
- (HANGS UP, DIAL TONE) Michael? That is one lucky mug, Holden, my friend.
- Please stop.
- Stop what? You're just trying to creep me out - so that I'll quit.
- (LAUGHS) What? I mean, why wouldn't somebody be nice to you? Are you a piece of shit? (CHUCKLES) - GABE: Oh, hey, Dinesh.
- DINESH: Okay, listen, Gabe.
I spent the entire flight streamlining our setup procedure, so I am gonna take the rental convertible and drive tower to tower, most of which are on pristine beaches or scenic volcanoes to check coverage while you sit at the office by yourself.
- Welcome - Oh! No! No! I get it.
Put it on me.
I-I don't want the plastic one.
- Are you one of the first cla - Put it on me.
Put it on me.
Put it on me.
Put it Aloha.
Richard.
To what do I owe the pleasure? Just calling to, you know.
To what, Richard? - Sign your thing.
- GAVIN: My thing? To sign my thing? I sense a certain lack of commitment, Richard.
I mean, if I suspected the only reason you wanted to lend your name to my cause was because of the enormous pressure you're probably facing as a notable holdout, well, how could I allow you to add your name to my tethics pledge? That would be untethical.
Gavin, come on.
Just can we get this over with? GAVIN: Then again, the idea of you publicly committing to the cause, that gives me joy.
So yes, Richard, I'd be happy to be your moral mentor.
I guess I'll see you at the ceremony.
- What ceremony? - GAVIN: The groundbreaking - for the Institute.
- RICHARD: What fucking institute? The Belson Institute of Tethics.
It's all on our website.
You and the others will all be there to publicly commit to the pledge.
Also, I'm gonna be asking you to say a few words.
Just a bit about how much of a fan you are, dedicated to the cause, my cause, maybe lead with a joke.
Be good to have you there, Richard.
Securing my legacy with you at my wing.
Wear pants you can kneel in.
Hey, Nathan! I was, uh, perusing your file, and I just Hey.
- What? - Sorry.
I just, um, I was quickly perusing your file That's not what peruse means.
Peruse means to read thoroughly and carefully.
Wow.
That that's super helpful.
Thank you for that tip.
Um, anyway, yeah, I was just curious to know, like, what's it like growing up in Rhode Island? Well, maybe some time when you're working on something, I can come interrupt your flow and use words incorrectly to tell you about it.
Got it.
Oh, you own a Prius? Popular choice.
Later, Daniel.
What? Well, you win.
That is the worst case of contact dermatitis I have ever seen.
- The itching is so insane! - Right.
- It's like from the inside! - Warren! Come here, I want you to see something.
This is Warren, our resident.
This is his first week.
Warren, I want you to notice the violent allergic reaction to the plumeria flowers used in the patient's lei, which is weird.
Normally, they just hand out plastic ones.
Just make it stop! Well, the good news is a strong anti-histamine shot oughta take care of it in no time.
Oh! Great! Yeah! The shot! Just-just gimme the shot! Now, before we proceed, I should warn you the shot, it works like gangbusters, but it does tend to cause acute sensitivity to sunlight, so you're gonna wanna stay indoors - for four to six weeks.
- What?! Warren, no! We wait until after I've explained all the possible complications, and only then, do we administer the injection.
- Did you say four to six weeks? - Yep.
Otherwise, you're gonna be back here for something a lot worse.
All right, well that was a teachable moment, huh? - Yeah.
Sure.
- Yeah.
(VIDEO GAME NOISES) I got next.
And, uh, better watch out 'cause I am the queen of Asteroids.
- Are you trying to cut in line? - You don't need a quarter.
It's on free play, duh.
We get it.
You make more money than us.
Okay, you know what? - CARL: Gilfoyle, you're awesome.
- Carl.
You're doin' it.
What the fuck? My man.
"Integrity.
We do the right thing.
We are committed to the highest ethical standards.
" It's all such banal, self-righteous, hacky bullshit.
- And I have to endorse it? - Yeah.
It is particularly pedestrian pablum, even for Gavin.
"Responsibility.
We contribute to the growth, joy, and enrichment of all the lives we touch.
- Courage " - Wait, uh, - what was that last one? - Responsibility? Uh, "We contribute to the growth, joy, and enrichment of all the lives we touch.
" Holden! Can you bring the menu book in here, please? Hi, guy! - Here you go.
- Thanks.
Yes.
You are a good boy.
Are you hungry? I am.
Holden.
Holden.
Holden.
Holden Ah, good.
Applebee's.
We were ordering from here the other night, and we were all joking about this, uh Yes, look.
Uh, so, their mission statement is right near their nachos, and we were saying that this is not-cho mission statement.
- (CHUCKLING) - Wait, I'm sorry.
Was that a joke? That.
It's it's a pun.
- Right.
- It's just like thumbass, you know.
It's in the same genre.
- JARED: Like what? - Thumbass? I've been saying it a lot.
(CHUCKLES) Read it, read it.
"At Applebee's, our mission is to contribute to the growth, joy and enrichment of all the lives we touch.
" Wait That's word for word what's in Gavin's pledge.
Yes, it is.
- You don't think - That's exactly what I think.
Read me another one of Gavin's frilly sentences.
"Maintaining our uncompromising principles while we grow.
" (TYPING) (SCOFFS) That's Starbucks.
Okay, again.
"Enhance the quality of life for all ages.
" - That's the AARP.
- Yes! My best friend Gloria was a charter member for 35 years - before she passed.
- RICHARD: The question is if Gavin stole his entire code of conduct for this stupid fucking foundation, what else has he been stealing? MONICA: All right, I give up.
Even this stupid hair didn't work.
How are you getting these people to like you? I'm not getting anyone to like me.
Bullshit.
I've seen you out there.
It's like you have a non-evil twin.
It's very weird.
Monica gaining someone's confidence is easy.
Appear open and interested by mimicking their body language and repeating what they say back to them.
So, you just repeat what they say? I just repeat what they say.
I was social engineering them.
Once trust is established, the social engineer simply offers up information, and the subject will reciprocate: Pets names, kids names, birthdays.
Then, that information is entered into a word list generator.
Pop it with their hash into John The Ripper, and within minutes, you have their passwords.
So, you're just gonna change all your scores to 10's? Yep.
Can you do mine, too? I don't actually want them to like me.
I hate them.
I really fucking hate them.
I just don't like having 2's.
You know, I could raise both of our scores and continue this charade.
Or I could lower someone else's, and put an end to these shenanigans once and for all.
I like it.
(CLINK) (APPLAUSE) Thank you.
It's quite an event, eh? See down there? It's Facebook, Google, even fucking Bezos sent someone.
All here to support the cause.
My cause.
(INDISTINCT SPEAKER) You know who else showed up? Mm.
Starbucks.
Very good company.
Filled with smart people with bold ideas.
- I suppose.
- Also, Anusol Plus.
Do you have hemorrhoids, Gavin? Not currently.
Made by Johnson & Johnson, also a good company.
Do you know what they do? They spark solutions that create a better, healthier world.
Just like you.
You remember writing that? I'm a busy man, Richard.
I've lived an incredible life.
I saw a yeti one time, and forgot for a couple years.
Well, I ran your little pledge through a plagiarism detection API.
What are you implying, Richard? Well, I also looked at transcripts of your interviews and speeches.
Your commencement speech at Liberty University.
Stolen, from an obscure Afghan philosopher.
And also, do you see that guy right there? That is Rod Morgenstern, the author of "The Nautilus of Dreams," the eBook you blatantly plagiarized and turned into "Cold Ice Cream and Hot Kisses.
" Do you know how much harder my life has been - because I cared about ethics? - Tethics.
I could've lost my company a dozen different times because I couldn't compromise on my ethics, - and now you're turning ethics - Tethics.
- Tethics.
- into some kind of fucking vanity project.
- Tethics, Richard.
Tethics.
- Stop it.
Something I came up with on my own.
Well, it sounds fuckin' dumb.
What do you want? Ever since I turned down your $10 million, all I ever wanted was for you to just go away.
But, you and Hooli have tried to fuck me over a thousand different ways.
You're a billionaire.
You can do anything you want.
You can run for president or buy a fuckin' basketball team, but you can't do this.
And I'm gonna make sure of it.
So, if you'll excuse me, I have to look over my speech.
(SPEAKER CONTINUES) Hey! So, you guys raised some issues with Piper-Pulse, so I really started looking into it, and it turns out, there are some real problems with its reliability as a metric.
So, I'm shutting it down.
- Aw.
- Hm.
But the scores are derived from our coworkers, the most reliable indicator of job performance.
Yeah, maybe we could help.
You know, I'm sure if we took a look - under the hood - No! Bad system.
Didn't work.
Thank you.
(CLINK) (SPEAKING NATIVE AMERICAN LANGUAGE) (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) Oh, I guess I'm up.
- (CLAPPING) - Thank you.
Thank you, Elder Red Spirit, for those profound sentiments.
I'm sorry.
I, uh I can't do this.
(SIGH) As humbling as it is to have all of you sitting here, paying tribute to me, I have to be honest.
I have been anything but ethical.
In truth, I am a plagiarist, and a liar, and a thief.
Ironically, the very code of virtue I've asked you all to abide by was, in itself, stolen.
And perhaps, some day, someone may erect a foundation the likes of this.
But it will not be, and should not, be me.
And in the interest of being truly honest, this is not new behavior.
I have, for years and years, practiced a parasitic and cynical brand of predatory capitalism that leaves nothing to be admired.
Ethics? Not a priority.
In fact, my behavior may have bordered on criminal.
And to those I have wronged by this, I apologize.
But apologies are cheap, aren't they? There must be a reckoning.
Which is why today, here in this public forum, I call for the attorney general of the state of California to launch an immediate investigation of my conduct as CEO of Hooli - (CROWD MURMURING) - leaving no stone unturned.
The truth must finally be revealed.
I apologize for putting you all through this, especially those of you who actually lead lives of real virtue.
- (SIGHS) - (CROWD MURMURING) Hey, Gavin.
I know that wasn't easy.
Sure about that? Should've taken the $10 million, Richard.
Enjoy the injunction, thumbass.
What? Okay, Donny.
Yeah, you, too, and I appreciate it, by the way.
All right, I'll catch you on the flip side.
(SIGH) Okay, so, this is real.
The AG just told me they're launching an investigation into Gavin's price fixing and anti-competitive behavior while he was at Hooli, and Gavin called it.
So, obviously, the first move is to file an injunction against any further merging between Hooli and Pied Piper.
Okay.
W-what does injunction mean? - What does that mean? - It means until this investigation concludes, you are prohibited from mixing any more Hooli chocolate with the Pied Piper peanut butter.
Well, we're in the middle of merging our codebases.
- Yeah, unmerge them.
- Well, that's impossible.
I mean, Christ, we're using HooliPhones in our Hawaii test.
So, by calling for an investigation into his own behaviors, he can kill us? Fuckin' Gavin Belson.
Fuckin' Gavin Belson.
- (CHUCKLING) - (MOCKING LAUGHTER) Is this fun? I'm sorry.
Are-are you admiring him? You gotta separate the artist from the art, Rico.
I mean, this is elegant, you know? This is, this is graceful.
This is kinda like, uh What's the, uh, what's the name of that - ballerina dude? - Baryshnikov.
- No.
- Nureyev? - No - Does it fucking matter, Ron? Who cares? We're paralyzed! We're gonna be broke! Shit, yeah.
And, now Gavin's gonna be able to buy Pied Piper for pennies on the dollar.
He is under investigation, right? So, something bad can happen to him.
Worst case, they find he acted in bad faith, and then Hooli's gotta pay a big fine or something.
But you own Hooli, so you'd have to pay that fine.
Fucking ninja! (SIGH) We're dead.
Gregory Hines! Dancer guy.
He's an American treasure.
RUSS: Richard Hendricks! What's up? (GRUNT) Right? Right? Read it.
Get it? - Now say it.
- Look, Russ, I don't really have time for you right now.
Or your festival, if that's why you're here.
The Attorney General of California just signed our fuckin' death warrant.
Yeah, I heard Belson gaped your asshole today - and not in that fun way.
- Cool.
Great.
Well, I've gotta go inside and tell everyone, so No, you don't, you lucky fuck.
(CLICKING TONGUE) Lucky fucky.
Richard, Don Delarenta, the AG of California, is gonna do whatever the fuck I tell him to do.
- Why? - 'Cause I have dirt on him.
Two years ago, he had an open-and-shut case against a guy who committed terrible crimes, but he didn't prosecute him 'cause that guy bribed him and I can prove it.
You think the fuckin' AG is gonna wanna let the public see that he didn't prosecute a guy who did this? - Oh, my God! Holy fuck! - Or this? Or this? Jesus, look at that.
Fuck me! Hold on, wait Is that you? Yeah.
So is this.
This.
Here's portrait mode.
There's a panoramic in here - somewhere.
- I get it, Russ.
Are you the one that committed the terrible crimes? Yeah.
And that dirtbag let me off because I contributed half a mil to his campaign.
Now I had told him I'd delete the photos, but what that moron didn't count on is that I'd forget.
So, Richard.
Question.
Should I make the call? You ready to dump Hawaii, and join RussFest? Ah? Ah? Ah? You're not really giving me much of a choice.
Ah! Don Delarenta, please.
Tell him it's Russ Hanneman.
He'll know.
- (SCUBA BREATHING) - GABE: Uh, hey, Dinesh? - Oh, hey, Dinesh.
- (CLICK) (PHONE VIBRATING) Hey, Richard, what's up? You want me to come home? Like, leave Hawaii? No! Wait, for what? So, bitches, what do you think? DINESH: It's beautiful.
RUSS: Tres Commas! Boom! (LAUGHTER OVER ELECTRONIC BEAT) Hey, Gilfoyle.
So, I've been thinking about your AI and its many deficits Your issue may be insecurity, masked by false bravado and unisex cologne.
(SCOFFS) It's not unisex.
(SNIFFS) (HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS) Richard! Russ Fest! You told AT&T that the hologram would be interactive, right? Yes.
See, asshole?! My hologram can 100 percent dry hump festival goers from behind.
If they ask for it.
Hashtag-woke.
Well, the purchasing seems stable.
Everything is amazing.
- (PANICKED SCREAMS) - What's it doing? BERTRAM GILFOYLE: Everything was fine, and then the network started deteriorating.
Also, his trailer was filled with ants.
(MUSIC INTENSIFIES) What did we do? Am I going to jail? Hey.
I can train you.
- And I, I wanted to create - (CLAPPING) May I have a token for the restroom, please? ETHAN: So, you guys are planning to build your own external antennas to deploy for the Hawaii test? Why not just give away Hooli phones for the test? I don't wanna use Hooli shit any more than you guys, but this will get us to Hawaii.
HOOVER: MSNBC wanted to interview you about being an "anti-tech evangelist.
" What did Publishers Weekly say about my book? Publishers Weekly is a terrible magazine, sir.
Call Maddow.
(PHONE PINGS) It's from Gwart.
"I'm dissolving my company and taking a job elsewhere.
" I'm free to return to work with Richard.
Your position's been filled.
No, it hasn't.
(MOTORCYCLE RUMBLING) - - (ROARING) - - (ROARING) - - (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) (EXPLOSION) (EXPLOSION) (EXPLOSION) (EXPLOSIONS) (MUSIC ENDS) Fuck yeah, right? You see the chick in the racism car? I banged her in the famine truck.
I-I'm sorry.
What is this? It's the trailer for my festival, RussFest.
Three days of partying, sucking, and fucking on a plot of land so far out even Nevada barely wants it.
I'll be serving Tres Commas exclusively.
It's gonna be like Burning Man, except I'll make a fuckton of money.
So, Earning Man? I literally love you, you spooky fuck.
So, we in? - In what? - RussFest.
There's no internet in the middle of the desert, Richard.
Maybe that's why no one lives out there.
I don't know, I'm not an archaeologist.
All I know is they're telling me it's gonna cost a fucking fortune to get the infrastructure out there.
Unless you guys do it for free.
- Why would we do it for free? - Because it's cool.
- It's good for your brand.
- RICHARD: Well, Russ, we appreciate the interest I like where this is going.
- But - Fuck! Uh, right now, we are trying to launch a huge pilot program in Hawaii.
Dinesh is actually heading out there first thing tomorrow morning, and I am about to sit down with the network operations president of AT&T, trying to close this massive deal, but that all depends on getting Hawaii right.
There's just no way we could do both.
And you would rather do Hawaii than RussFest? I would rather do my own mother than RussFest.
How come whenever you guys wanna do some shit, I'm always like, "fuck yeah!" But whenever I wanna do some cool shit, you guys piss all over it! You know what? Gimme this.
Have fun shoving pineapples up each other's dick holes! And pussy holes.
You creepy fuck.
(THEME SONG PLAYING) What have I been telling you, Lawrence? Impressive.
Very impressive.
Looking forward - to talking a lot more.
- Yeah.
Yeah, definitely.
(INAUDIBLE) - Richard! - (GASPS) Whoo! - Sorry.
Um, how did it go? - Cool.
Well, I wanna keep it on the down-low, but, uh - (SLAMS DOOR) - Fuck.
Is that joy? It could not have gone better.
When they found out how much money they could save by using us to help simplify their 5G rollout, they practically shit themselves.
(LAUGH) This could be bigger than we thought.
Monica, we could be on 100 million phones.
- Holy shit.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
- Yeah.
- You know, focus on Hawaii, - make sure we land the plane.
- Yeah.
It's weird.
I actually don't know what to do when things are going well.
It is not natural.
(CHUCKLING) - Yeah.
- Okay.
Ha, ha, ha! HOST: What's the newest killer app coming out of Silicon Valley? Would you believe ethics? It's all thanks to our first guest, a former big-tech CEO turned responsible tech evangelist You know what? Not even this turd is gonna bring me down right now.
HOST: caution and accountability.
Thanks for being here.
GAVIN: Well, I always find time for you, Gabby.
Please.
No one is buying your bullshit, Gavin.
GAVIN: My message invigorates me.
For too long, these large tech companies have harvested our data, they have violated our privacy, they have tracked our every move.
They is you, you hypocrite.
You did that.
He did that! Starting today, I will be asking prominent members of the tech community to sign their name onto this.
A code of conduct, authored by me, that pledges them to a universal ethos, which I created, that I call, "tech ethics," or, "tethics" for short.
- Oof.
- GABBY: Tethics.
Clever.
- (GIGGLING) - No.
No, it isn't.
Fuck that guy.
Honestly, fuck that guy.
Richard, I have your tea.
No one in town is ever gonna sign this hypocrite's - hypocritical garbage.
- GABBY: Well, I'm sold.
Can I sign? GAVIN: Well, you have to lead a corporation.
Okay.
And how about you at home? Are you tethical? Tweet us @GoodDayTheBay and let us know where you stand.
Sure, yes, I will.
Get ready for some opinions.
Holden? Why is the television on the news? Jared, I don't need you telling me my job, okay? Holden, um, I know things have been a bit antagonistic between us.
We've been like, uh, Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan.
But, I've been thinking about it, and you work for Richard, and I want what's best for him 'cause I want him to be happy, so from now on you're my friend.
You're my best friend.
Even if you make the occasional oopsie.
Are you fucking with me? Why would I do that to my best friend? - Love you like a brother.
- Uh Absolutely not.
We haven't told you what we want yet.
- Irrelevant.
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
- TRACY: I'd like to talk to you about your Piper-Pulse numbers.
GILFOYLE: I'd like that, Tracy, because I have no idea what the fuck that is.
Of course you do.
It's the system that Tracy created for employees to give feedback on senior management.
TRACY: The point is, I happen to know a lot of folks over at AT&T, and I think it might help us if I back-channel some of the information I've gathered.
But before I do, I'd like to tell you how you're doing.
I know how I'm doing.
I'm fucking killing it.
I'm building great shit out there.
Yes.
Your acumen scores are excellent.
On a scale of one to 10, you're at a 9.
9.
So, all 10's and - Dinesh.
- But, it's your interpersonal rating I'd like to drill down on.
It's at 1.
5.
Your coworkers find you unapproachable, rude, and capable of great hurt with an unsettling stare.
Okay.
We want AT&T to see a thriving company.
If you really make a concerted effort at outreach and team building, - you could get your numbers up.
- GILFOYLE: Tracy.
I appreciate you wanting to participate in the world of numbers.
I find it endearing.
But yours are horseshit.
They measure nothing.
If I wanted to, I could have all 10's by the end of the week.
Gilfoyle, metrics like Piper-Pulse are a widely accepted measure of how your peers feel about you.
Speaking of, Monica, your interpersonal is at a 2.
- What? - Huh.
No, that's just because Priyanka and her little witch's nest over at Foxhole are bringing my numbers down.
No.
Most of your lower scores are coming from engineers, who are 84% male.
Maybe you should try some of that outreach.
Whatever I do, I'm sure I could do it better than you.
Two days.
All 10's.
Deal.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Aloha.
Aloha to you.
Aloha.
Alo - Oh, hey, Dinesh.
- What the fuck.
I like your beard.
Um, why are you here? Where's AJ? Oh, AJ can't come.
You wanted him to become a certified scuba before the trip, right? Yeah, so we could fucking scuba, Gabe.
Well, he finished all his check dives last night, but you have to wait 24 hours before you fly, so we decided to trade places.
- For the day? - Uh, no.
F-for-for all of it.
- Why? - Because it - it-it'd be easier? - No.
And what are you doing in first class? So, the pilot is from Pakistan.
I said, "Hey, I know a guy from Pakistan.
I work with him.
" And then he said, "Hey, why don't you come to the front and sit in the big chairs.
" B-but that's me.
I'm the guy from Pakistan.
I told him that, and then he and then he put me here.
Okay, but I, the guy from Pakistan - Right.
- am back in economy.
Sir? You're gonna need to take your seat.
And Captain Bashir wanted you to have these samosas his mother made.
Oh.
No, thank you.
(TYPING) You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Hey, Danny? Excuse me? - What are you wearing? - A shirt.
(SCOFFS) - Oh, my God.
- I think a lot of what Gavin is saying makes sense.
Yeah, of course it does.
I've been saying it for years.
- So, you agree with him? - Well, no.
He is full of shit.
But, you aren't, even though you're saying the same things? Yeah, because I mean it! And I said it first! That feels petty and personal, which is against Gavin's code of tethics.
- What does that even mean? - Hey, Richard, - are you signing Gavin's pledge? - Ah, what? Because I'm getting a lot of heat from my friends over at Facebook for working at an untethical company.
Okay, cool.
So, Facebook is calling us untethical.
Yeah, because they signed the pledge.
So did Google and Amazon and Twitter.
- Don't care.
- DANNY: Speaking of, even if you don't sign, could you at least stop tweeting about it? "Anyone who signs this Tethics thing is a thumbass"? - That doesn't even make sense.
- (CHUCKLE) Yes, it does.
It's dumbass but with thumb.
Thumbass.
It's basically perfect.
Tethics is tech ethics.
What's the thumb part? And why are you tweeting that from your personal account? The Verge referred to you as "notable tethics holdout and amateur insult comedian Richard Hendricks.
" - (SIGH) - Andy Borowitz wrote a pointed piece about you - called "Doubting Richard.
" - Ah, see? That doesn't really make any sense.
I mean, what's the pun? What am I supposed to be enjoying there? Now, you're harshing on Borowitz? Well, yeah, if he's coming up with those zingers.
If you like Andy Borowitz so much, why don't you marry him? Says the guy who's three months behind in child support.
A dog is not a child! - Uh - Michael Eisenberg from AT&T is on the phone.
- He says it's urgent.
- Ah, great.
Hey, Michael, what's up? Did you just publicly insult my boss? What? No.
"Anyone who signs this Tethics thing is a thumbass.
" Well, my boss just signed Gavin Belson's pledge.
- He did? Why? - MICHAEL: Because loudmouths like you got up in front of Congress and whined about how somebody needed to do something about big tech.
Okay, I did that one time MICHAEL: And now, Gavin has managed to paint himself as that guy.
And we all have to fall in line, or we'll be in PR hell.
Or worse! We'll face government regulation.
MICHAEL: Look, have you read his pledge? (LAUGHS) No, of course not.
It's trash.
The first line says, "We, the undersigned, promise to make best efforts to," blah, blah, blah.
Best efforts, Richard.
It's totally toothless.
Yes.
Exactly, Michael.
That's entirely my point.
It's all empty bullshit.
It means nothing.
MICHAEL: Then who the fuck cares, Richard? Do not fuck this all up over a pointless moral stand! - Okay.
- MICHAEL: Sign the fucking pledge! Oh, and stop tweeting about thumbs up people's asses.
- Oh.
No, th-that's wordplay.
- (HANGS UP, DIAL TONE) Michael? That is one lucky mug, Holden, my friend.
- Please stop.
- Stop what? You're just trying to creep me out - so that I'll quit.
- (LAUGHS) What? I mean, why wouldn't somebody be nice to you? Are you a piece of shit? (CHUCKLES) - GABE: Oh, hey, Dinesh.
- DINESH: Okay, listen, Gabe.
I spent the entire flight streamlining our setup procedure, so I am gonna take the rental convertible and drive tower to tower, most of which are on pristine beaches or scenic volcanoes to check coverage while you sit at the office by yourself.
- Welcome - Oh! No! No! I get it.
Put it on me.
I-I don't want the plastic one.
- Are you one of the first cla - Put it on me.
Put it on me.
Put it on me.
Put it Aloha.
Richard.
To what do I owe the pleasure? Just calling to, you know.
To what, Richard? - Sign your thing.
- GAVIN: My thing? To sign my thing? I sense a certain lack of commitment, Richard.
I mean, if I suspected the only reason you wanted to lend your name to my cause was because of the enormous pressure you're probably facing as a notable holdout, well, how could I allow you to add your name to my tethics pledge? That would be untethical.
Gavin, come on.
Just can we get this over with? GAVIN: Then again, the idea of you publicly committing to the cause, that gives me joy.
So yes, Richard, I'd be happy to be your moral mentor.
I guess I'll see you at the ceremony.
- What ceremony? - GAVIN: The groundbreaking - for the Institute.
- RICHARD: What fucking institute? The Belson Institute of Tethics.
It's all on our website.
You and the others will all be there to publicly commit to the pledge.
Also, I'm gonna be asking you to say a few words.
Just a bit about how much of a fan you are, dedicated to the cause, my cause, maybe lead with a joke.
Be good to have you there, Richard.
Securing my legacy with you at my wing.
Wear pants you can kneel in.
Hey, Nathan! I was, uh, perusing your file, and I just Hey.
- What? - Sorry.
I just, um, I was quickly perusing your file That's not what peruse means.
Peruse means to read thoroughly and carefully.
Wow.
That that's super helpful.
Thank you for that tip.
Um, anyway, yeah, I was just curious to know, like, what's it like growing up in Rhode Island? Well, maybe some time when you're working on something, I can come interrupt your flow and use words incorrectly to tell you about it.
Got it.
Oh, you own a Prius? Popular choice.
Later, Daniel.
What? Well, you win.
That is the worst case of contact dermatitis I have ever seen.
- The itching is so insane! - Right.
- It's like from the inside! - Warren! Come here, I want you to see something.
This is Warren, our resident.
This is his first week.
Warren, I want you to notice the violent allergic reaction to the plumeria flowers used in the patient's lei, which is weird.
Normally, they just hand out plastic ones.
Just make it stop! Well, the good news is a strong anti-histamine shot oughta take care of it in no time.
Oh! Great! Yeah! The shot! Just-just gimme the shot! Now, before we proceed, I should warn you the shot, it works like gangbusters, but it does tend to cause acute sensitivity to sunlight, so you're gonna wanna stay indoors - for four to six weeks.
- What?! Warren, no! We wait until after I've explained all the possible complications, and only then, do we administer the injection.
- Did you say four to six weeks? - Yep.
Otherwise, you're gonna be back here for something a lot worse.
All right, well that was a teachable moment, huh? - Yeah.
Sure.
- Yeah.
(VIDEO GAME NOISES) I got next.
And, uh, better watch out 'cause I am the queen of Asteroids.
- Are you trying to cut in line? - You don't need a quarter.
It's on free play, duh.
We get it.
You make more money than us.
Okay, you know what? - CARL: Gilfoyle, you're awesome.
- Carl.
You're doin' it.
What the fuck? My man.
"Integrity.
We do the right thing.
We are committed to the highest ethical standards.
" It's all such banal, self-righteous, hacky bullshit.
- And I have to endorse it? - Yeah.
It is particularly pedestrian pablum, even for Gavin.
"Responsibility.
We contribute to the growth, joy, and enrichment of all the lives we touch.
- Courage " - Wait, uh, - what was that last one? - Responsibility? Uh, "We contribute to the growth, joy, and enrichment of all the lives we touch.
" Holden! Can you bring the menu book in here, please? Hi, guy! - Here you go.
- Thanks.
Yes.
You are a good boy.
Are you hungry? I am.
Holden.
Holden.
Holden.
Holden Ah, good.
Applebee's.
We were ordering from here the other night, and we were all joking about this, uh Yes, look.
Uh, so, their mission statement is right near their nachos, and we were saying that this is not-cho mission statement.
- (CHUCKLING) - Wait, I'm sorry.
Was that a joke? That.
It's it's a pun.
- Right.
- It's just like thumbass, you know.
It's in the same genre.
- JARED: Like what? - Thumbass? I've been saying it a lot.
(CHUCKLES) Read it, read it.
"At Applebee's, our mission is to contribute to the growth, joy and enrichment of all the lives we touch.
" Wait That's word for word what's in Gavin's pledge.
Yes, it is.
- You don't think - That's exactly what I think.
Read me another one of Gavin's frilly sentences.
"Maintaining our uncompromising principles while we grow.
" (TYPING) (SCOFFS) That's Starbucks.
Okay, again.
"Enhance the quality of life for all ages.
" - That's the AARP.
- Yes! My best friend Gloria was a charter member for 35 years - before she passed.
- RICHARD: The question is if Gavin stole his entire code of conduct for this stupid fucking foundation, what else has he been stealing? MONICA: All right, I give up.
Even this stupid hair didn't work.
How are you getting these people to like you? I'm not getting anyone to like me.
Bullshit.
I've seen you out there.
It's like you have a non-evil twin.
It's very weird.
Monica gaining someone's confidence is easy.
Appear open and interested by mimicking their body language and repeating what they say back to them.
So, you just repeat what they say? I just repeat what they say.
I was social engineering them.
Once trust is established, the social engineer simply offers up information, and the subject will reciprocate: Pets names, kids names, birthdays.
Then, that information is entered into a word list generator.
Pop it with their hash into John The Ripper, and within minutes, you have their passwords.
So, you're just gonna change all your scores to 10's? Yep.
Can you do mine, too? I don't actually want them to like me.
I hate them.
I really fucking hate them.
I just don't like having 2's.
You know, I could raise both of our scores and continue this charade.
Or I could lower someone else's, and put an end to these shenanigans once and for all.
I like it.
(CLINK) (APPLAUSE) Thank you.
It's quite an event, eh? See down there? It's Facebook, Google, even fucking Bezos sent someone.
All here to support the cause.
My cause.
(INDISTINCT SPEAKER) You know who else showed up? Mm.
Starbucks.
Very good company.
Filled with smart people with bold ideas.
- I suppose.
- Also, Anusol Plus.
Do you have hemorrhoids, Gavin? Not currently.
Made by Johnson & Johnson, also a good company.
Do you know what they do? They spark solutions that create a better, healthier world.
Just like you.
You remember writing that? I'm a busy man, Richard.
I've lived an incredible life.
I saw a yeti one time, and forgot for a couple years.
Well, I ran your little pledge through a plagiarism detection API.
What are you implying, Richard? Well, I also looked at transcripts of your interviews and speeches.
Your commencement speech at Liberty University.
Stolen, from an obscure Afghan philosopher.
And also, do you see that guy right there? That is Rod Morgenstern, the author of "The Nautilus of Dreams," the eBook you blatantly plagiarized and turned into "Cold Ice Cream and Hot Kisses.
" Do you know how much harder my life has been - because I cared about ethics? - Tethics.
I could've lost my company a dozen different times because I couldn't compromise on my ethics, - and now you're turning ethics - Tethics.
- Tethics.
- into some kind of fucking vanity project.
- Tethics, Richard.
Tethics.
- Stop it.
Something I came up with on my own.
Well, it sounds fuckin' dumb.
What do you want? Ever since I turned down your $10 million, all I ever wanted was for you to just go away.
But, you and Hooli have tried to fuck me over a thousand different ways.
You're a billionaire.
You can do anything you want.
You can run for president or buy a fuckin' basketball team, but you can't do this.
And I'm gonna make sure of it.
So, if you'll excuse me, I have to look over my speech.
(SPEAKER CONTINUES) Hey! So, you guys raised some issues with Piper-Pulse, so I really started looking into it, and it turns out, there are some real problems with its reliability as a metric.
So, I'm shutting it down.
- Aw.
- Hm.
But the scores are derived from our coworkers, the most reliable indicator of job performance.
Yeah, maybe we could help.
You know, I'm sure if we took a look - under the hood - No! Bad system.
Didn't work.
Thank you.
(CLINK) (SPEAKING NATIVE AMERICAN LANGUAGE) (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) Oh, I guess I'm up.
- (CLAPPING) - Thank you.
Thank you, Elder Red Spirit, for those profound sentiments.
I'm sorry.
I, uh I can't do this.
(SIGH) As humbling as it is to have all of you sitting here, paying tribute to me, I have to be honest.
I have been anything but ethical.
In truth, I am a plagiarist, and a liar, and a thief.
Ironically, the very code of virtue I've asked you all to abide by was, in itself, stolen.
And perhaps, some day, someone may erect a foundation the likes of this.
But it will not be, and should not, be me.
And in the interest of being truly honest, this is not new behavior.
I have, for years and years, practiced a parasitic and cynical brand of predatory capitalism that leaves nothing to be admired.
Ethics? Not a priority.
In fact, my behavior may have bordered on criminal.
And to those I have wronged by this, I apologize.
But apologies are cheap, aren't they? There must be a reckoning.
Which is why today, here in this public forum, I call for the attorney general of the state of California to launch an immediate investigation of my conduct as CEO of Hooli - (CROWD MURMURING) - leaving no stone unturned.
The truth must finally be revealed.
I apologize for putting you all through this, especially those of you who actually lead lives of real virtue.
- (SIGHS) - (CROWD MURMURING) Hey, Gavin.
I know that wasn't easy.
Sure about that? Should've taken the $10 million, Richard.
Enjoy the injunction, thumbass.
What? Okay, Donny.
Yeah, you, too, and I appreciate it, by the way.
All right, I'll catch you on the flip side.
(SIGH) Okay, so, this is real.
The AG just told me they're launching an investigation into Gavin's price fixing and anti-competitive behavior while he was at Hooli, and Gavin called it.
So, obviously, the first move is to file an injunction against any further merging between Hooli and Pied Piper.
Okay.
W-what does injunction mean? - What does that mean? - It means until this investigation concludes, you are prohibited from mixing any more Hooli chocolate with the Pied Piper peanut butter.
Well, we're in the middle of merging our codebases.
- Yeah, unmerge them.
- Well, that's impossible.
I mean, Christ, we're using HooliPhones in our Hawaii test.
So, by calling for an investigation into his own behaviors, he can kill us? Fuckin' Gavin Belson.
Fuckin' Gavin Belson.
- (CHUCKLING) - (MOCKING LAUGHTER) Is this fun? I'm sorry.
Are-are you admiring him? You gotta separate the artist from the art, Rico.
I mean, this is elegant, you know? This is, this is graceful.
This is kinda like, uh What's the, uh, what's the name of that - ballerina dude? - Baryshnikov.
- No.
- Nureyev? - No - Does it fucking matter, Ron? Who cares? We're paralyzed! We're gonna be broke! Shit, yeah.
And, now Gavin's gonna be able to buy Pied Piper for pennies on the dollar.
He is under investigation, right? So, something bad can happen to him.
Worst case, they find he acted in bad faith, and then Hooli's gotta pay a big fine or something.
But you own Hooli, so you'd have to pay that fine.
Fucking ninja! (SIGH) We're dead.
Gregory Hines! Dancer guy.
He's an American treasure.
RUSS: Richard Hendricks! What's up? (GRUNT) Right? Right? Read it.
Get it? - Now say it.
- Look, Russ, I don't really have time for you right now.
Or your festival, if that's why you're here.
The Attorney General of California just signed our fuckin' death warrant.
Yeah, I heard Belson gaped your asshole today - and not in that fun way.
- Cool.
Great.
Well, I've gotta go inside and tell everyone, so No, you don't, you lucky fuck.
(CLICKING TONGUE) Lucky fucky.
Richard, Don Delarenta, the AG of California, is gonna do whatever the fuck I tell him to do.
- Why? - 'Cause I have dirt on him.
Two years ago, he had an open-and-shut case against a guy who committed terrible crimes, but he didn't prosecute him 'cause that guy bribed him and I can prove it.
You think the fuckin' AG is gonna wanna let the public see that he didn't prosecute a guy who did this? - Oh, my God! Holy fuck! - Or this? Or this? Jesus, look at that.
Fuck me! Hold on, wait Is that you? Yeah.
So is this.
This.
Here's portrait mode.
There's a panoramic in here - somewhere.
- I get it, Russ.
Are you the one that committed the terrible crimes? Yeah.
And that dirtbag let me off because I contributed half a mil to his campaign.
Now I had told him I'd delete the photos, but what that moron didn't count on is that I'd forget.
So, Richard.
Question.
Should I make the call? You ready to dump Hawaii, and join RussFest? Ah? Ah? Ah? You're not really giving me much of a choice.
Ah! Don Delarenta, please.
Tell him it's Russ Hanneman.
He'll know.
- (SCUBA BREATHING) - GABE: Uh, hey, Dinesh? - Oh, hey, Dinesh.
- (CLICK) (PHONE VIBRATING) Hey, Richard, what's up? You want me to come home? Like, leave Hawaii? No! Wait, for what? So, bitches, what do you think? DINESH: It's beautiful.
RUSS: Tres Commas! Boom! (LAUGHTER OVER ELECTRONIC BEAT) Hey, Gilfoyle.
So, I've been thinking about your AI and its many deficits Your issue may be insecurity, masked by false bravado and unisex cologne.
(SCOFFS) It's not unisex.
(SNIFFS) (HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS) Richard! Russ Fest! You told AT&T that the hologram would be interactive, right? Yes.
See, asshole?! My hologram can 100 percent dry hump festival goers from behind.
If they ask for it.
Hashtag-woke.
Well, the purchasing seems stable.
Everything is amazing.
- (PANICKED SCREAMS) - What's it doing? BERTRAM GILFOYLE: Everything was fine, and then the network started deteriorating.
Also, his trailer was filled with ants.
(MUSIC INTENSIFIES) What did we do? Am I going to jail? Hey.
I can train you.