South Park s13e01 Episode Script
The Ring
COMEDY CENTRAL I'm going down to South Park Gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Going down to South Park Gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting "Howdy neighbor" Headed on up to South Park Gonna see if I can't unwind Come on down to South Park And meet some friends of mine Would you look at that? It's just incredible, isn't it? I still can't believe it even though it's right there in front of me.
Yeah, it's just so astounding.
Well, believe it, friends.
The impossible has happened Kenny has a girlfriend.
Yeah, a fifth-grade girlfriend.
This is serious.
They've been going out for almost two weeks now.
So wh-who is she? Her name's Tammy Warner.
She's the only girl in school whose family is actually poorer than Kenny's.
It's really kind of beautiful, if you ask me.
You guys! You guys, I think we have a big problem! What? Well, apparently Kenny has a girlfriend! Yeah, dude, Tammy Warner.
She's a fifth-grader.
Does Kenny like her? I guess so.
She's like his first real girlfriend ever.
Oh, no, oh, jeez! Butters, what's the problem? I just talked to Brad Dixon.
Tammy Warner is bad news.
All the fifth graders call her a slut on a count of she gave this kid, Dave Darski, a BJ in the parking lot of T.
G.
I.
FRiDAY'S.
What? It's true! Ask anybody in fifth grade! Tammy Warner is a total slut! That bitch! Kenny gave his heart to her and she's just gonna throw it in his face! Well, Kenny deserves to know, fellas.
If you guys found out my girlfriend was a raging whore, I'd want you to tell me.
All right, come on, guys.
Hey, Jimmy, what's a BJ? Kenny! Hey, Kenny! Oh, hey, guys.
Listen, Kenny, we need to talk about your new girlfriend.
What about her? Oh, boy Kenny, we know you really like this girl, but-- But what? Well, we've heard that she's Kenny your girlfriend is a notorious whore.
She even gave a kid named Dave Darski a BJ in the parking lot of T.
G.
I.
FRiDAY'S.
Huh? Your girlfriend's a slut, dude.
Woo-hoooo! Woo-hoo-hooooo! He took it pretty well.
Hey, Tammy! Hi, Ken! You decide what you wanna do after school? Yeah, I was kind of thinking we should go to T.
G.
I.
FRiDAY'S.
T.
G.
I.
FRiDAY'S? Yeah, could be lots of fun.
Yeah, okay, but Kenny, listen there's something I need to talk to you about.
There's a lot of rumors going around about me that I agreed to give a boy a BJ.
Well it's true.
But it was before you and I were together, and it wasn't my fault! See, I was watching the Disney Channel and that show came on with the Jonas Brothers-- Jonas Brothers? You know that teenage boy band? Every time I see them I get so tingly.
I just completely lose control.
And then Dave Darski showed up and took me to T.
G.
I.
FRiDAY'S and it just happened.
But it was only for one second and I had my eyes closed.
I know it's terrible.
Can you can you forgive me, Ken? There you are, young man, two tickets to the Jonas Brothers concert! Thanks! The Jonas Brothers? Dude, Kenny, what the hell is wrong with you? Aren't they those queermos on the Disney channel? Yeah, Jonas Brothers, dude, they get Tammy all hot and then she'll give me a BJ.
A BJ? You want Tammy to give you a BJ? Of course, dude! Kenny, you're gonna let a girl put her mouth on your wiener? Do you know how disgusting that is? Girls' mouths are full of germs.
Yeah, dude, that's gross.
It's okay, I'm gonna have protection.
What kind of protection? Can I have a box of condoms, please? Box of condoms.
Certainly, little boy, what kind would you like? Uh I'll take those over there.
These here? Well, certainly.
Cool.
Kenny, aren't you a little young for this? No, I'm not young, I want a BJ! Just because you have condoms doesn't mean you're safe, Kenny.
Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman.
And you're gonna let that near your penis? Yup! Woo-hoo! Kenny, you're the best for bringing me here! Isn't this awesome? I'm ready To get it on But there's no getting on 'Til I'm ready Wahghgghghghghg! It's too soon Slow down Take it easy My giney tickles! I need your love bay-bay I can't wait 'til the day Oh, my God! It's that tingling again! Until then I have to diss you 'Cause my mom doesn't like it I love you! She'll make me clean my room If I'm naughty Bay-bay I'm hot He's hot He's hot Tell me how was I to know That you would take your love and go Was it 'cause I wanted to wait 'Til we were married To put my arm around you? But seasons change Bay-bay And the world goes round and round and round Yeah, yeah I'm gonna take my time Can't wait 'til you are mine But it might be a while 'cause Yeah, yeah Girl we can take it slow So we have room to grow Oh, oh, Jesus Christ! You're so hot, Kevin! I love you, Joe! Until then go back to Montreal 'Cause I still love you bay-bay Love you bay-bay Bay-bay Good night, Denver! We love you all! We love you, Denver! Good night! Oh, my God, I am so worked up! I just wanna attack you, Kenny! All right! Come on, let's go out to the parking lot! Woo-hoo! And you too, little girl in the red! Huh? Band would like you to come backstage.
You too, little girl with the puppy T-shirt.
Ahh! They want me to come backstage? Oh, my God! No, no, we're going to your place now.
It's a dream come true! Hey! All right, right this way, girls.
Yeah, come on in, everyone.
The band is waiting for you.
Uh, not you.
No, fuck that, dude! I bought the fucking tickets! Hey, what the fuck?! The Jonas Brothers will be right out, girls.
Why do you think they called us back here? They must-a wanna have sex with us.
What? You think so? Sure, they're a band.
They called us back here so we can give 'em blow jobs.
Well, I'm not doing it.
Just 'cause they're rock stars doesn't mean I'll do that.
Yeah, I'm not giving a blow job to anybody! Me neither! Hey there, girls! Hey there, girls! Hey there, girls! Hey, listen, we saw ya out there in the audience.
Yeah, you were getting a little crazy out there.
Let's just get to the blow jobs.
Blow-whats? I don't know.
Look, we called you back here because we want to share our love of Christ with you.
And see if you'll wear purity rings from now on.
Purity rings? We all wear purity rings.
It means we are going to be pure and not have sex until we're married.
And it means we stay away from bad stuff and avoid people who swear or watch naughty TV shows.
That's just how we roll.
Yeah! Yeah! So what do ya say, girls? You wanna be kid hipsters like us and wear purity rings too? Okay.
And be sure to give a ring to all the kids you care about 'cause it's the hip, new way to roll! Well, well, well, here he comes.
It's BJ Mckay and his best friend, Bear.
So how'd it go last night? What's that? A purity ring.
Purity ring? Yeah, it's a purity ring.
What does that mean? It means I'm gonna be pure and not have sex until I get married.
Dude, you? We thought you really wanted to have a BJ before you got too old-- I did! I was really excited to get a BJ but now I have to wear this motherfucking purity ring! All right, all right, Kenny, calm down.
You're too young to be getting BJs anyway.
It's good you and Tammy are making a commitment to each other that isn't based on sex.
Yeah! It isn't fair, I was so close to getting a blow job and I'll never get one now! This is fucking bullshit.
Fellas-- hey, fellas! I heard that Kenny is still going out with that slut Tammy Warner! Yeah, but it's okay, Butters.
They have purity rings now.
What's that? They're rings that says they're not gonna have sex or do anything naughty anymore.
Huh A ring that says you'll be together but not have sex.
Isn't that called a "wedding ring"? I've got a ring on my finger To remind me what I cannot do Can't just do whatever I feel like I've got to stay righteous and true I can't hang out with my buddies And get into trouble 'Cause now we're both wearing These rings for each other But who needs sex And drugs and partying? When we can cook a meal Then sit around and watch Netflix Bay-bay I've got a ring on my finger To remind me that I must behave No need to chase after girls It's a promise I can never break I've made a commitment And it is forever So we can spend every Waking minute together And if we get bored It won't be a problem 'Cause we can just hang out With other couples who wear these rings Bay-bay Yeah, we found out that once you wear purity rings, it's best to hang out with other couples that do.
Got more in common.
Isn't that right, Sara? You know what Carol and I really enjoy is "Grey's Anatomy.
" We love "Grey's Anatomy," don't we, Carol? We adore "Grey's Anatomy," don't we, Nancy? Adore it.
Kenny and Tammy, do you watch "Grey's Anatomy"? We look forward to it all week long! Ha-ha-ha Sure is! Most fun we've had in weeks! Ha-ha-ha! I've got a ring on my finger To remind me what I cannot do What I cannot do Bay-bayyyy Bay-bay-bay Bay-bay Bayyy-Bayyyy And cut! Great video shoot, guys! This is bull pucky! Yeah, we've had it, gosh darn it! Uh-oh, looks like we've got a problem.
Our decision is final! We have decided, as a band, not to wear purity rings anymore! Yeah, you tell 'em, Joe.
Boys, I know you're tired, but the purity rings are important to the company's image.
We don't care about the company! And you're gonna say that to the boss's face? We aren't afraid of him.
Well, I hope you're right, because the boss is on his way here now.
Oh, Jesus, he's here! Boss is here! Let's be strong, guys! Hello, sir, how was your trip? What's all this I'm hearing about not wearing the purity rings-- ha-ha.
Uh, we'll just leave you alone.
So I guess we have some issues-- ha-ha.
We need to talk about something.
Oh, boy! I just love flying all the way to Colorado to hear about your problems-- ha-ha.
Look, we just want our concerts to be about our music and not about purity rings.
Oh, gosh, fellas, let me explain this to you one more time.
You have to wear the purity rings because that's how we can sell sex to little girls-- ha-ha.
See, if we make the posters with little girls reaching for your junk, then you have to wear purity rings or else Disney Company looks bad-- ha-ha.
But we don't wanna be selling sex to little girls anymore.
The rings stay on.
Well well, maybe we'll just refuse to go onstage! Ooof! You don't fucking talk to me like that-- ha-ha-- you little piece of shit-- ha-ha.
Get the fuck up! Get the fuck up-- Ha-ha.
Now, do we have a problem-- ha-ha.
No, sir.
No, Mr.
Mouse.
No, Mr.
Mouse.
Oh, that's good 'cause I thought we had a problem for a minute there-- ha-ha.
All right, now get out there and make me some goddamned money-- ha-ha.
Yup, he's in here! Dude, what the hell are you doing, Kenny? This is the day we were supposed to throw cow turds at cars together! We've had just about enough, dude.
You've been blowing us off for two weeks now! What's up?! Need to buy more DVDs.
"Grey's Anatomy"? Kenny, what kind of douche-bag garbage are you watching?! Come on, Kenny, this isn't you.
We want you back, dude.
Kenny Kenny? Kenny? You wanna look at Playboys? Wanna get high sniffing paint, Kenny? You want your "Grey's Anatomy" back, Kenny? Oh, "Grey's Anatomy," cool! Oh, wow, this was a great season! You guys, I think this is serious! There's something really wrong with him.
It's that ring.
Somehow, putting on that ring has turned Kenny into a boring turd.
Oh, my God, look at this! Motherfucker! What? "Jonas Brothers talk music, Faith in God, and purity rings.
" These Disney douche bags are the ones causing all this! Yeah, this all happened the day after he went to their concert! All right, come on, guys! We're not sitting back and watching our friend die.
Hold tight, buddy, we're gonna find a cure for you.
Cool Live from 5 news studio in Colorado, it's Good Mornin' Denver! We are joined this morning by the Disney super group, The Jonas Brothers.
Hello, boys! Hello.
Now tell us what you're doin' here in Denver, guys.
Uh, we're gonna be doing a live concert from Red Rocks tonight that will be live broadcast on the Disney Channel.
In 3D, don't forget to mention in 3D! OH, and it's gonna be in 3D.
Now, guys, a lot has been made about your purity rings.
Can you tell us about those? Well, um we wear these to symbolize how pure we are and how we don't approve of things that are naughty or filthy.
Yeah, that's good, get a closeup on their purity rings.
Closeup on the purity rings-- ha-ha.
That's wonderful, boys.
It's good that little girls can see a concert and not have it be about sex.
We understand that at the concert tonight you'll be dousing girls in the audience with white foam.
Is that correct? Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh-Huh.
Well, can you give our audience a peek? What do ya think, girls, You want the Jonas Brothers to douse you with their white foam? Oh, boy! This is TV gold-- ha-ha.
Excuse us, excuse us.
Hey, what do you think you're doing? That's great stuff, boys! You like takin' the Jonas Brothers' hot foam in your faces, girls? Hey! Hey, those Jonas Brothers are assholes! Yeah, their purity rings turned our friend into a douche! Huh? What the hell do you think you're doing spreading this crap to kids? Who the hell are these guys? Are they from DreamWorks?! Goddamn Eisner trying to hurt this company again-- ha-ha.
This whole thing is a freakin' sham! I see what you're doing now! You're trying to sell sex to young girls and then confuse them by-- agh.
Agh! Cartman? You aren't ruining my plans this time, DreamWorks-- ha-ha.
Dude, who the hell did that? Ouf! Agh! That's 15 minutes, people! Get another mic on that drum kit! They almost ruined everything-- ha-ha.
How did something like this happen-- ha-ha.
Wake up, wake up, you little prick-- ha-ha.
Who do you work for? DreamWorks? Answer me-- ha-ha! We don't work for anybody.
Oh, boy, I sure believe that-- ha-ha.
You just tried to ruin Disney company's big night for you own amusement, huh-- ha-ha.
What the hell did you do to us?! Shut up! Ha-ha! And now, Disney Channel presents The Jonas Brothers Live from Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado! Truly a night of magic as we're set for the biggest concert event of the year! In about 10 minutes the Jonas Brothers are going to take the stage in what Disney is calling, "The most pure and innocent rock event of the millennia.
" Do we put the 3D glasses on now, Dada? Not yet, Katie.
Everyone around the country is tuning in to see Disney's latest kid pop stars.
Yeah, Jonas Brothers at Red Rocks.
We understand the Jonas Brothers are getting ready.
What's going on backstage must be exciting! You better start talking-- ha-ha! You better start talking right now-- ha-ha! We told you, we aren't working for another studio and there isn't a plan to sabotage your big night! We came on our own 'cause our friend's purity ring is killing him! You're lying! I'll cut you up-- ha, ha.
You see? We were right about the purity rings! A nice Christian symbol can't be used for profit gains! We've all angered God! You think God is in control here-- ha, ha.
I am in control! I've been in control since the '50s in case you haven't noticed-- ha-ha.
You three faggots are going onstage and you three faggots aren't gonna stop me! Nobody is ruining this event-- ha-ha! I have worked too long and too hard to have anybody fuck this up! Where would you be without me, Jonas Brothers-- ha-ha! Your music sucks and you know it-- ha-ha! It's because you make little girls' gineys tickle.
And when little girls' gineys tickle, I make money-- ha-ha.
And that's because little girls are fucking stupid-- ha-ha.
And the purity rings make it okay to do whatever I want-- ha-ha.
Even the Christians are too fucking stupid to figure out I'm selling sex to their daughters! I've made billions off of Christian ignorance for decades now-- ha-ha.
And do you know why? Because Christians are retarded-- ha-ha.
They believe in a talking dead guy-- ha-ha.
Oh-- ha-ha.
Hello, folks! Boo! Now, now take it easy-- ha-ha! Here's the Jonas Brothers! Come on, guys.
No stop! Bring them back here! It's over, Mr.
Mouse, everyone's tuning out.
No! No, goddamn it, no! Shut up! Shut up! Rarhghghggh! That's it, girls.
No more Disney TV for a while.
Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers has failed, costing the Disney company millions, and once again, Mickey is pissed off and throwing a fit.
Vengeance is mine.
You are all ants and I am your destroyer-- ha-ha.
The Disney "purity ring" venture will most likely now prove a marketing bust as Mickey returns to Valhalla to slumber and feed.
Aw, Ken, look what we've become.
We're way too young to be this boring.
Okay, I'll put in "Grey's Anatomy.
" No, I don't want to watch "Grey's Anatomy," Ken.
Let's take off these rings, Ken.
Take off the rings? We can take off the rings?! Really?! Let's take 'em off and just be kids again! There'll be plenty of time to wear rings and be boring and lame when we reach our late 30s and we're boring and lame anyway.
Yeah, screw these things! Oh, I feel better already! Me too! What say you and me go to T.
G.
I.
FRiDAY'S? Woo-hoo! And so as we commit this young child to the earth, let us all be reminded that syphilis is still a deadly disease and it can be caught even if using protection.
This young boy learned the hard way I told him.
"Woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place on earth," I said.
"Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis," I said.
Well now we know.
And knowing is half the battle.
COMEDY CENTRAL Captioned by SoundwritersTM
Yeah, it's just so astounding.
Well, believe it, friends.
The impossible has happened Kenny has a girlfriend.
Yeah, a fifth-grade girlfriend.
This is serious.
They've been going out for almost two weeks now.
So wh-who is she? Her name's Tammy Warner.
She's the only girl in school whose family is actually poorer than Kenny's.
It's really kind of beautiful, if you ask me.
You guys! You guys, I think we have a big problem! What? Well, apparently Kenny has a girlfriend! Yeah, dude, Tammy Warner.
She's a fifth-grader.
Does Kenny like her? I guess so.
She's like his first real girlfriend ever.
Oh, no, oh, jeez! Butters, what's the problem? I just talked to Brad Dixon.
Tammy Warner is bad news.
All the fifth graders call her a slut on a count of she gave this kid, Dave Darski, a BJ in the parking lot of T.
G.
I.
FRiDAY'S.
What? It's true! Ask anybody in fifth grade! Tammy Warner is a total slut! That bitch! Kenny gave his heart to her and she's just gonna throw it in his face! Well, Kenny deserves to know, fellas.
If you guys found out my girlfriend was a raging whore, I'd want you to tell me.
All right, come on, guys.
Hey, Jimmy, what's a BJ? Kenny! Hey, Kenny! Oh, hey, guys.
Listen, Kenny, we need to talk about your new girlfriend.
What about her? Oh, boy Kenny, we know you really like this girl, but-- But what? Well, we've heard that she's Kenny your girlfriend is a notorious whore.
She even gave a kid named Dave Darski a BJ in the parking lot of T.
G.
I.
FRiDAY'S.
Huh? Your girlfriend's a slut, dude.
Woo-hoooo! Woo-hoo-hooooo! He took it pretty well.
Hey, Tammy! Hi, Ken! You decide what you wanna do after school? Yeah, I was kind of thinking we should go to T.
G.
I.
FRiDAY'S.
T.
G.
I.
FRiDAY'S? Yeah, could be lots of fun.
Yeah, okay, but Kenny, listen there's something I need to talk to you about.
There's a lot of rumors going around about me that I agreed to give a boy a BJ.
Well it's true.
But it was before you and I were together, and it wasn't my fault! See, I was watching the Disney Channel and that show came on with the Jonas Brothers-- Jonas Brothers? You know that teenage boy band? Every time I see them I get so tingly.
I just completely lose control.
And then Dave Darski showed up and took me to T.
G.
I.
FRiDAY'S and it just happened.
But it was only for one second and I had my eyes closed.
I know it's terrible.
Can you can you forgive me, Ken? There you are, young man, two tickets to the Jonas Brothers concert! Thanks! The Jonas Brothers? Dude, Kenny, what the hell is wrong with you? Aren't they those queermos on the Disney channel? Yeah, Jonas Brothers, dude, they get Tammy all hot and then she'll give me a BJ.
A BJ? You want Tammy to give you a BJ? Of course, dude! Kenny, you're gonna let a girl put her mouth on your wiener? Do you know how disgusting that is? Girls' mouths are full of germs.
Yeah, dude, that's gross.
It's okay, I'm gonna have protection.
What kind of protection? Can I have a box of condoms, please? Box of condoms.
Certainly, little boy, what kind would you like? Uh I'll take those over there.
These here? Well, certainly.
Cool.
Kenny, aren't you a little young for this? No, I'm not young, I want a BJ! Just because you have condoms doesn't mean you're safe, Kenny.
Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman.
And you're gonna let that near your penis? Yup! Woo-hoo! Kenny, you're the best for bringing me here! Isn't this awesome? I'm ready To get it on But there's no getting on 'Til I'm ready Wahghgghghghghg! It's too soon Slow down Take it easy My giney tickles! I need your love bay-bay I can't wait 'til the day Oh, my God! It's that tingling again! Until then I have to diss you 'Cause my mom doesn't like it I love you! She'll make me clean my room If I'm naughty Bay-bay I'm hot He's hot He's hot Tell me how was I to know That you would take your love and go Was it 'cause I wanted to wait 'Til we were married To put my arm around you? But seasons change Bay-bay And the world goes round and round and round Yeah, yeah I'm gonna take my time Can't wait 'til you are mine But it might be a while 'cause Yeah, yeah Girl we can take it slow So we have room to grow Oh, oh, Jesus Christ! You're so hot, Kevin! I love you, Joe! Until then go back to Montreal 'Cause I still love you bay-bay Love you bay-bay Bay-bay Good night, Denver! We love you all! We love you, Denver! Good night! Oh, my God, I am so worked up! I just wanna attack you, Kenny! All right! Come on, let's go out to the parking lot! Woo-hoo! And you too, little girl in the red! Huh? Band would like you to come backstage.
You too, little girl with the puppy T-shirt.
Ahh! They want me to come backstage? Oh, my God! No, no, we're going to your place now.
It's a dream come true! Hey! All right, right this way, girls.
Yeah, come on in, everyone.
The band is waiting for you.
Uh, not you.
No, fuck that, dude! I bought the fucking tickets! Hey, what the fuck?! The Jonas Brothers will be right out, girls.
Why do you think they called us back here? They must-a wanna have sex with us.
What? You think so? Sure, they're a band.
They called us back here so we can give 'em blow jobs.
Well, I'm not doing it.
Just 'cause they're rock stars doesn't mean I'll do that.
Yeah, I'm not giving a blow job to anybody! Me neither! Hey there, girls! Hey there, girls! Hey there, girls! Hey, listen, we saw ya out there in the audience.
Yeah, you were getting a little crazy out there.
Let's just get to the blow jobs.
Blow-whats? I don't know.
Look, we called you back here because we want to share our love of Christ with you.
And see if you'll wear purity rings from now on.
Purity rings? We all wear purity rings.
It means we are going to be pure and not have sex until we're married.
And it means we stay away from bad stuff and avoid people who swear or watch naughty TV shows.
That's just how we roll.
Yeah! Yeah! So what do ya say, girls? You wanna be kid hipsters like us and wear purity rings too? Okay.
And be sure to give a ring to all the kids you care about 'cause it's the hip, new way to roll! Well, well, well, here he comes.
It's BJ Mckay and his best friend, Bear.
So how'd it go last night? What's that? A purity ring.
Purity ring? Yeah, it's a purity ring.
What does that mean? It means I'm gonna be pure and not have sex until I get married.
Dude, you? We thought you really wanted to have a BJ before you got too old-- I did! I was really excited to get a BJ but now I have to wear this motherfucking purity ring! All right, all right, Kenny, calm down.
You're too young to be getting BJs anyway.
It's good you and Tammy are making a commitment to each other that isn't based on sex.
Yeah! It isn't fair, I was so close to getting a blow job and I'll never get one now! This is fucking bullshit.
Fellas-- hey, fellas! I heard that Kenny is still going out with that slut Tammy Warner! Yeah, but it's okay, Butters.
They have purity rings now.
What's that? They're rings that says they're not gonna have sex or do anything naughty anymore.
Huh A ring that says you'll be together but not have sex.
Isn't that called a "wedding ring"? I've got a ring on my finger To remind me what I cannot do Can't just do whatever I feel like I've got to stay righteous and true I can't hang out with my buddies And get into trouble 'Cause now we're both wearing These rings for each other But who needs sex And drugs and partying? When we can cook a meal Then sit around and watch Netflix Bay-bay I've got a ring on my finger To remind me that I must behave No need to chase after girls It's a promise I can never break I've made a commitment And it is forever So we can spend every Waking minute together And if we get bored It won't be a problem 'Cause we can just hang out With other couples who wear these rings Bay-bay Yeah, we found out that once you wear purity rings, it's best to hang out with other couples that do.
Got more in common.
Isn't that right, Sara? You know what Carol and I really enjoy is "Grey's Anatomy.
" We love "Grey's Anatomy," don't we, Carol? We adore "Grey's Anatomy," don't we, Nancy? Adore it.
Kenny and Tammy, do you watch "Grey's Anatomy"? We look forward to it all week long! Ha-ha-ha Sure is! Most fun we've had in weeks! Ha-ha-ha! I've got a ring on my finger To remind me what I cannot do What I cannot do Bay-bayyyy Bay-bay-bay Bay-bay Bayyy-Bayyyy And cut! Great video shoot, guys! This is bull pucky! Yeah, we've had it, gosh darn it! Uh-oh, looks like we've got a problem.
Our decision is final! We have decided, as a band, not to wear purity rings anymore! Yeah, you tell 'em, Joe.
Boys, I know you're tired, but the purity rings are important to the company's image.
We don't care about the company! And you're gonna say that to the boss's face? We aren't afraid of him.
Well, I hope you're right, because the boss is on his way here now.
Oh, Jesus, he's here! Boss is here! Let's be strong, guys! Hello, sir, how was your trip? What's all this I'm hearing about not wearing the purity rings-- ha-ha.
Uh, we'll just leave you alone.
So I guess we have some issues-- ha-ha.
We need to talk about something.
Oh, boy! I just love flying all the way to Colorado to hear about your problems-- ha-ha.
Look, we just want our concerts to be about our music and not about purity rings.
Oh, gosh, fellas, let me explain this to you one more time.
You have to wear the purity rings because that's how we can sell sex to little girls-- ha-ha.
See, if we make the posters with little girls reaching for your junk, then you have to wear purity rings or else Disney Company looks bad-- ha-ha.
But we don't wanna be selling sex to little girls anymore.
The rings stay on.
Well well, maybe we'll just refuse to go onstage! Ooof! You don't fucking talk to me like that-- ha-ha-- you little piece of shit-- ha-ha.
Get the fuck up! Get the fuck up-- Ha-ha.
Now, do we have a problem-- ha-ha.
No, sir.
No, Mr.
Mouse.
No, Mr.
Mouse.
Oh, that's good 'cause I thought we had a problem for a minute there-- ha-ha.
All right, now get out there and make me some goddamned money-- ha-ha.
Yup, he's in here! Dude, what the hell are you doing, Kenny? This is the day we were supposed to throw cow turds at cars together! We've had just about enough, dude.
You've been blowing us off for two weeks now! What's up?! Need to buy more DVDs.
"Grey's Anatomy"? Kenny, what kind of douche-bag garbage are you watching?! Come on, Kenny, this isn't you.
We want you back, dude.
Kenny Kenny? Kenny? You wanna look at Playboys? Wanna get high sniffing paint, Kenny? You want your "Grey's Anatomy" back, Kenny? Oh, "Grey's Anatomy," cool! Oh, wow, this was a great season! You guys, I think this is serious! There's something really wrong with him.
It's that ring.
Somehow, putting on that ring has turned Kenny into a boring turd.
Oh, my God, look at this! Motherfucker! What? "Jonas Brothers talk music, Faith in God, and purity rings.
" These Disney douche bags are the ones causing all this! Yeah, this all happened the day after he went to their concert! All right, come on, guys! We're not sitting back and watching our friend die.
Hold tight, buddy, we're gonna find a cure for you.
Cool Live from 5 news studio in Colorado, it's Good Mornin' Denver! We are joined this morning by the Disney super group, The Jonas Brothers.
Hello, boys! Hello.
Now tell us what you're doin' here in Denver, guys.
Uh, we're gonna be doing a live concert from Red Rocks tonight that will be live broadcast on the Disney Channel.
In 3D, don't forget to mention in 3D! OH, and it's gonna be in 3D.
Now, guys, a lot has been made about your purity rings.
Can you tell us about those? Well, um we wear these to symbolize how pure we are and how we don't approve of things that are naughty or filthy.
Yeah, that's good, get a closeup on their purity rings.
Closeup on the purity rings-- ha-ha.
That's wonderful, boys.
It's good that little girls can see a concert and not have it be about sex.
We understand that at the concert tonight you'll be dousing girls in the audience with white foam.
Is that correct? Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh-Huh.
Well, can you give our audience a peek? What do ya think, girls, You want the Jonas Brothers to douse you with their white foam? Oh, boy! This is TV gold-- ha-ha.
Excuse us, excuse us.
Hey, what do you think you're doing? That's great stuff, boys! You like takin' the Jonas Brothers' hot foam in your faces, girls? Hey! Hey, those Jonas Brothers are assholes! Yeah, their purity rings turned our friend into a douche! Huh? What the hell do you think you're doing spreading this crap to kids? Who the hell are these guys? Are they from DreamWorks?! Goddamn Eisner trying to hurt this company again-- ha-ha.
This whole thing is a freakin' sham! I see what you're doing now! You're trying to sell sex to young girls and then confuse them by-- agh.
Agh! Cartman? You aren't ruining my plans this time, DreamWorks-- ha-ha.
Dude, who the hell did that? Ouf! Agh! That's 15 minutes, people! Get another mic on that drum kit! They almost ruined everything-- ha-ha.
How did something like this happen-- ha-ha.
Wake up, wake up, you little prick-- ha-ha.
Who do you work for? DreamWorks? Answer me-- ha-ha! We don't work for anybody.
Oh, boy, I sure believe that-- ha-ha.
You just tried to ruin Disney company's big night for you own amusement, huh-- ha-ha.
What the hell did you do to us?! Shut up! Ha-ha! And now, Disney Channel presents The Jonas Brothers Live from Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado! Truly a night of magic as we're set for the biggest concert event of the year! In about 10 minutes the Jonas Brothers are going to take the stage in what Disney is calling, "The most pure and innocent rock event of the millennia.
" Do we put the 3D glasses on now, Dada? Not yet, Katie.
Everyone around the country is tuning in to see Disney's latest kid pop stars.
Yeah, Jonas Brothers at Red Rocks.
We understand the Jonas Brothers are getting ready.
What's going on backstage must be exciting! You better start talking-- ha-ha! You better start talking right now-- ha-ha! We told you, we aren't working for another studio and there isn't a plan to sabotage your big night! We came on our own 'cause our friend's purity ring is killing him! You're lying! I'll cut you up-- ha, ha.
You see? We were right about the purity rings! A nice Christian symbol can't be used for profit gains! We've all angered God! You think God is in control here-- ha, ha.
I am in control! I've been in control since the '50s in case you haven't noticed-- ha-ha.
You three faggots are going onstage and you three faggots aren't gonna stop me! Nobody is ruining this event-- ha-ha! I have worked too long and too hard to have anybody fuck this up! Where would you be without me, Jonas Brothers-- ha-ha! Your music sucks and you know it-- ha-ha! It's because you make little girls' gineys tickle.
And when little girls' gineys tickle, I make money-- ha-ha.
And that's because little girls are fucking stupid-- ha-ha.
And the purity rings make it okay to do whatever I want-- ha-ha.
Even the Christians are too fucking stupid to figure out I'm selling sex to their daughters! I've made billions off of Christian ignorance for decades now-- ha-ha.
And do you know why? Because Christians are retarded-- ha-ha.
They believe in a talking dead guy-- ha-ha.
Oh-- ha-ha.
Hello, folks! Boo! Now, now take it easy-- ha-ha! Here's the Jonas Brothers! Come on, guys.
No stop! Bring them back here! It's over, Mr.
Mouse, everyone's tuning out.
No! No, goddamn it, no! Shut up! Shut up! Rarhghghggh! That's it, girls.
No more Disney TV for a while.
Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers has failed, costing the Disney company millions, and once again, Mickey is pissed off and throwing a fit.
Vengeance is mine.
You are all ants and I am your destroyer-- ha-ha.
The Disney "purity ring" venture will most likely now prove a marketing bust as Mickey returns to Valhalla to slumber and feed.
Aw, Ken, look what we've become.
We're way too young to be this boring.
Okay, I'll put in "Grey's Anatomy.
" No, I don't want to watch "Grey's Anatomy," Ken.
Let's take off these rings, Ken.
Take off the rings? We can take off the rings?! Really?! Let's take 'em off and just be kids again! There'll be plenty of time to wear rings and be boring and lame when we reach our late 30s and we're boring and lame anyway.
Yeah, screw these things! Oh, I feel better already! Me too! What say you and me go to T.
G.
I.
FRiDAY'S? Woo-hoo! And so as we commit this young child to the earth, let us all be reminded that syphilis is still a deadly disease and it can be caught even if using protection.
This young boy learned the hard way I told him.
"Woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place on earth," I said.
"Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis," I said.
Well now we know.
And knowing is half the battle.
COMEDY CENTRAL Captioned by SoundwritersTM