South Park s19e09 Episode Script

I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine All right, guys.
Now let's go back and talk about infinitives.
Remember Those are verbs combined with the word "to.
" Oh, my fucking God.
Now, usually, an infinitive acts like a noun, as in "I want to go out to eat," or "I hope to be chosen today.
" What?! - I'm so bored, dude.
- Now, usually, it isn't common to split "to" and the verb, but sometimes you can.
Knock it off! Is there a problem, guys? Go get my pen, fat ass! I'm am not your slave, Kyle.
Go get my pen! Attention, students.
Kyle Broflovski, report to the principal's office, please.
PC Principal wants to see you, Kyle! Kyle Broflovski to the principal's office.
M'kay? God damn it.
Have fun, dude.
Oh, Kyle, uh, thank you for coming.
Where's PC Principal? I think he's finally lost it, Kyle.
He and his PC buddies are on a hunger strike.
They're calling for people's resignations! Kyle, PC Principal had problems with Jimmy and with Leslie, and now they're missing.
M'kay? Nobody knows where they are.
That's what happens.
You go against PC, and you just end up missing.
M'kay.
What are you talking about? PC Principal had issues with them, m'kay? And he had issues with you, Kyle.
Whatever's going on it's pretty damn scary.
For years, mankind has tried to rid the world of ads.
For our ancestors, ads couldn't be avoided.
But everyone knew what was an ad and what wasn't.
After many years, mankind invented cable, a way to pay for television so there would be no ads.
But somehow, the ads still found a way.
And so mankind invented TiVo, a way to skip past commercials.
Finally, it appeared to be the end of ads.
And everywhere, people rejoiced.
The ads were stopped.
Or so it seemed With the rise of the Internet, suddenly the ads had an en-entirely new way to attack us Pop-ups.
The top scientific minds were brought together to find a way to stop the ads once and for all.
They invented the ad blocker.
Suddenly, there were no ads on phones, on computers.
And everywhere, people rejoiced.
But the ads adapted.
They became s-smarter.
They disguised themselves as news.
All around the world, people read news stories completely unaware they were reading ads.
And now, the ads have taken the next step in their evolution.
They have taken human form.
Ads are among us.
They could be your friend, your g-gardener.
The ads are trying to wipe us out.
The question is how? So, um South Park kind of sucks now.
You guys want to bail? - What?! - What are you talking about? It's just, you know, used to be nice and laid back here, but now it's all "ngh," you know? Like Like now everybody's all, "ngh-ngh.
" Let's bail.
You want to bail, Stan? No, I don't.
What's going on, Randy? Nothing! I just You know, we don't have to live here.
We could live anywhere! Last month, all you could talk about was how great this town had become.
What changed your mind? We can't afford it.
We can't afford it? All these fancy new restaurants and shops and everyone wants to live here.
A bowl of City Beef costs 10 bucks now, for Christ's sake.
And there's nowhere to shop but stupid Whole Foods.
Well, we'll just have to stop going to those places.
I had to take out a second mortgage on the house.
You what?! I had to Sharon! It isn't my fault! It's the man! Don't you see? The man is pricing us out of our own town.
It's just my luck.
I talk to a nice girl, seem to hit it off, and she turns out to just be an ad.
Well, that's what an ad does.
She was designed to entice and manipulate.
This is such a fantastic story for the school newspaper.
Why don't we just run it so that everybody knows the truth? Jimmy, we're newsmen like you.
For decades, we used our soft, buttery voices to inform the people about what's happening.
Then we watched as our entire industry was taken over by the ads.
Some of our colleagues were manipulated into doing the ads' bidding.
The man who came to your house with a gun was one of them.
Our own Kevin Jarvis has more.
Thanks, Tom.
Jimmy, the man who tried to kill you was a Brian Bouyant of WXNR, Fort Collins.
When he saw there was no money in news anymore, he sided with the ads even though he knew it meant the destruction of our species.
- Back to you, Tom.
- Thanks, Kevin.
The only hope for the truth to get out there, Jimmy, is for you see through this ad's deception and to find out what they're planning.
Your Super School News was a threat to them, but unless you get this little bitch to talk, we may never know why.
Dude, Kyle! Will you look at this? "Principal sends two favorite students on a Disney Cruise.
This week students Jimmy Valmer and Leslie Meyers are being treated to an all-expenses-paid vacation for their outstanding school" What the hell is this? It doesn't make any sense, dude.
PC Principal is using the school paper to cover something up.
Yeah, I I don't want to get involved.
You don't want to get involved? Dude, what's wrong with you? I've already learned you can't win against PC Principal.
You should know, of all people, since he's converted your dad.
What's that supposed to mean? Fellas, we found out what happened to Jimmy! He got to go on a vacation for being an exemplary student.
That is not what happened.
Something is very wrong here.
We all have to stand up to PC Principal together.
Yeah, and wasn't Jimmy the one in charge of the school newspaper? So who's putting this out? I like the school paper.
I like to type with my hands.
Who told you that the principal sent Jimmy on a Disney Cruise? Uhhhhh Uhhhhh Uh, don't remember.
You have quotes in here from Jimmy.
Did you talk to him? Uhhhhh Uhhhhh I like the school paper.
Come on.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
Did I do good, computer? I think the sponsored content fooled them.
I hope I made you happy.
Can you see me, computer? Do you know what I'm thinking right now? Ahh, thanks, computer.
We have to make sure nobody recognizes us.
There's no telling who works for who.
Here, Caitlyn, I got you this fake mustache to put on.
I'm not putting on a mustache.
I'll look silly.
Oh, that That's where you draw the line, huh, Caitlyn? Don't be an asshole.
No, you're right.
That's nuts.
A woman wearing a mustache That's just ridiculous, huh, Cait All right, all right.
I'll put it on.
No, no, please, Cait.
Don't put on a fake mustache.
That's crazy.
You don't want people thinking you're a weirdo.
I mean, geez.
You're such an asshole.
What the hell is this? What have they done to my town?! Keep your voice down! Since when do we have a flippin' Whole Foods?! Everything's changed.
Hi, there.
You got a minute for gay rights? Gay rights?! Geez, you already got all those.
What the hell do you want to do now? All right.
Your total is $126.
39.
And would you like to give a dollar to help hungry children get iPads to protect your Internet safe space today? I will.
What the Sam hell is going on? Why would anyone think that I'm on the principal's side? I hate the principal.
I think he's a dick.
So, you don't know anything about the principal that might be newsworthy? Super School News-worthy? Just that he hated me and called me a blabbermouth.
I don't think I'm a blabbermouth.
I just like talking to people.
Leslie, what kind of plans do you have? Do you have any plans? What kind of plans? Just, you know, plans.
Like, what are you hoping to accomplish? I don't know.
What are your plans? Well, I want to pursue careers in both news reporting and comedy.
Really? That's different.
Yeah, you're pretty different yourself, Leslie.
How so? I'm starting to think that maybe all ads aren't so bad.
Jimmy, you're thinking with your dick.
- I am not thinking with my dick.
- Yes, you are.
- No, I just think that she's a - Put your dick away.
She's an emotional, interesting, caring girl.
Jim.
Jimmy.
That's your dick talking.
Believe me.
I know how you feel.
Ads promise us things.
Ads are perfect.
But make no mistake All ads lie.
And all ads deceive.
There Leslie's Instagram and her Twitter.
Last entry was 10 days ago.
What about Jimmy's? Jimmy never used that stuff, remember? He said he hated using the Internet.
How do you hate the Internet? That's like hating titties.
What are you doing now? I'm just looking for any news articles or anything about PC Principal.
Where did you say PC Principal was from? I think it was Vermont.
Maybe there's something from the news in Vermont that can give us a clue about God damn it.
What the hell is this? That's an ad for skiing in Vermont.
That looks fun! Dude! Dude, look at this.
How PC culture is changing Vermont from a state of intolerance to a Dude, there it is again! It's that goddamn guitar! This ad is fucking following me! - Just click out of it.
- I'm trying! God damn it.
Get over here! That's a pretty sweet-looking guitar.
It is pretty cool, dude.
It tunes itself.
How does it do that? It's this company that does all kinds of high-tech instruments.
See, look, I'll show you.
Oh, that's sweet.
Send me the link to this so I can Oh, dude, that new "Frankenstein" movie's out.
I totally want to see that.
That movie's gonna suck, dude.
Hit the arrow.
I want to see where it's playing.
Oh, sorry.
Wrong arrow button.
Wow! What kind of ice cream is that? Yeah, yeah.
So So, Clyde says to Token, "Why don't you open a bank account with your mouth so I can deposit my dick in it?" So then what did Token say? Token was all like Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa.
What the hell are we doing? Eating ice cream, dipshit.
But what about Jimmy? We were, like, totally trying to find out what happened to him.
Whoa.
What the hell just happened? We got distracted! We got to get back to that computer! Now, this here is a dry Riesling.
You're gonna experience vanilla after tones and a nutty finish.
You mean like someone put their balls in the glass? Nah, like chestnuts, damn it.
I just can't keep up with this town no more.
Everything's gettin' all nice and fancy.
I swear I'm gonna need to get a second mortgage on the ranch just to pay my daily expenses.
Don't you get it? That's just what they want.
Nobody cares about the people who lived here before.
They want us to move 'cause then they want to knock our houses down and build more lofts and villas.
All right, Randy, you should probably lay off the ol' vine Chatuenuf de Pape.
You'll all see.
Pretty soon, everyone who used to live here is gonna have to move, and we'll all be shopping at the Safeway again.
Where has my town gone? Where has my Oof! You like apples? How you like them apples? Hey, it's Caitlyn Jenner! Check his ass! Principal Victoria? - He's one of them.
- One of what? Caitlyn.
Okay, Leslie, let's try a different approach.
Let's say you wanted to destroy an entire species.
How would you go about it? Why would I want to destroy an entire species? You have the wrong idea about me, Jimmy.
The person trying to change things and make everything terrible is the new principal.
And what is the new Principal trying to do, Leslie? He's trying to make sure people like you and me aren't allowed to exist.
I know that you're trying to help.
I know that the newsmen in there are trying to help, too.
But now I'm going to tell you something very important, Jimmy.
Like a rock! I drive a Chevy, I'm a cowboy, and I drive it like a rock! What the hell is that? Tom, it looks like a pop-up ad.
How did an ad get in here? Let's go to David at the network hub.
No answers here, Tom.
We're trying to correct the problem.
You have to get me out of here, Jimmy.
- They're going to kill me.
- What? Listen to me carefully, and don't look at the glass.
I feel something for you I have never felt before.
I think it's trust.
The men in there are sick with hatred, and as soon as they realize I have no information, they are going to burn me.
I've seen them do it to others.
Please, you have to help me, Jimmy.
Don't let them hurt me.
Please don't abandon me.
When the lights go back on, just look at me and smile.
David, any word on the pop-up ad situation? Tom, we've just about got it fixed.
Should be ready now.
And that's really it, Jimmy.
I want to help all of you however I can.
So, then Token tells Clyde that if his mouth was a bank, Clyde's mom would have already deposited her dick in it, which is hilarious because Clyde's mom is dead! Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa.
What the hell are we doing? We're trying on shoes and eating chicken nuggets, stupid.
What do you think? No.
That's not what we set out to do.
We were We were on Cartman's computer, looking up news stories about PC Principal.
Didn't we finish doing that? No, we didn't.
It's like someone's trying to distract us because they're worried what we'll uncover about PC people.
Yeah, like one of us is purposely trying to keep us from digging too deep because they're afraid.
Why are you looking at me? Why are you looking at me? Why isn't anyone looking at me? Hey, fuck you.
Wake up, dickhead.
Garrison, what the hell is wrong with you? I'll tell you what's wrong with me.
There's enemies to humanity out there, wanting to put an end to all of us, and there's assholes like you helping them out! I don't know what you're talking about.
Whose idea was it to revitalize the shitty part of town into an arts-and-foods district called ShiTpaTown? All right, it was kind of my idea.
Son of a bitch.
What, to take one area of town that was crappy and gentrify it for the local people to enjoy? I thought we could keep it contained! It doesn't contain.
What's happened to South Park is happening everywhere.
in the town of Fairplay, they've changed an area north of downtown into NODOFOPA.
A run-down area south of the capital in Cheyenne, Wyoming, is now historic SOCACHEYWO.
Channel Street in mid-Chicago is being revitalized into Chimichanga.
Oh, my God.
LODO, SOBRO, RIVMO All happening at the same time.
And it isn't just in the U.
S.
In Cairo, the area northwest of the third pyramid is NoWE3Pi.
Three miles north of Auschwitz is NoMoAuchie.
It goes on and on! What does it mean? In our town, it all started when PC Principal arrived.
He's part of a much larger conspiracy, and you're his lackey.
Not me.
If PC Principal has been using us, I'll take the bastard down myself.
It's day two of the hunger strike started by the college-aged fraternity brothers who are demanding that all of South Park's community leaders step down.
The PC frat brothers say they've gone now two days without eating any pussy and will continue to do so until people resign.
Who is that reporter? Do we know him? Tom, that's Bill Keegan, WCFO.
Thanks, Brian.
He's working for the ads, obviously.
Sellout douchebag.
That's right, Tom.
He was always a douchebag at the conventions.
Thanks, Rick.
Stay dry.
Leslie, come on.
Jimmy, you're gonna help me? Yeah, I'm gonna help you.
I mean, come on.
Jimmy! Oh, Jesus, he let her out! PC Principal is our enemy, not her.
His dick is compromised.
Stay back! It is not my dick.
I'm thinking rationally and with logic.
I am taking her out of here.
Well, then, I'm sorry I have to do this, Jimmy.
Officer Barbrady, we need you to shoot these kids.
What?! The ad has gotten to him.
There's no time to argue.
I'm not shooting any more kids! Do you want to save your town?! Officer Barbrady, we have to stop PC Principal before it's too late! Barbrady, shoot them in their heads! No! I'm not shooting any more people Not for you, not for anybody! You're making the worst mistake of your life, officer.
Maybe so.
All I know is I'm done shooting people.
Aah! Oh, sorry.
Geez.
Damn it! Think about it, you guys.
From the moment PC Principal took over, Kyle's been different.
Haven't you noticed? Yeah.
He's distracting us either because he's too afraid or because he What are you guys talking about? Nothing! Stan's calling you a traitor.
What?! Kyle, I think it's pretty obvious you don't want us investigating PC Principal.
- And why do you think that, Stan, huh? - I don't know.
Because if anyone has a reason for us to not mess with PC Principal, it's you! Let's not forget that Stan's dad is PC Principal's little bitch! That's a good point! I am loving this right now.
My dad's stupid, not a bitch.
This is about you being scared, Kyle! It is you, isn't it? That's why you're trying to shift blame on me.
That's very Cartman of you, Stan.
Oh, that's low.
Don't you dare call me a Cartman! No, that's good.
Just keep on distracting everybody.
It seems to be working, Cartman.
Fuck you, Kyle! Fight! Time to take this asshole down.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys, whoa! We can't just go walking in there.
Why not? This is a safe space.
We're not allowed past this.
When you breach a college safe space, you're crossing the most sacred human boundary there is.
Oh, give me a break.
No, no, no, no, no.
Look, this is very real and very important in PC culture.
Every human has a right to a safe space.
It cannot be entered.
Yeah, it can.
Watch.
Wow, how did you Whoa! Burning the midnight oil, huh, Nathan? - Jimmy! - You son of a bitch.
What have done to the Super School News? I was just holding down the fort while you were away, Jim.
Writing headlines sponsored by PC Principal and the ads? How much did they pay you?! Please, Jimmy.
I'm just trying to survive here.
Everyone's gonna know the truth, Nathan.
We're getting a new edition of the school paper out by morning.
Everyone's going to know all about the ads.
Deal with him.
Leslie, I thought we were b-besties.
Hey there, big man.
Editor of the school paper, huh? You still don't even know half the story.
It's clear.
Where is everybody? I thought the news said they're on a hunger strike.
This doesn't make sense.
Someone's always here.
Take a look at this! What the hell? It looks like he was researching this.
You see this news story? If this is true, then PC Principal was trying to help.
Click on that.
What is that? No, click out of that.
What is this? So, then So, then, Caitlyn says, "Look, bitch, you're married to Bill Clinton.
If anyone should be afraid of AIDS, it's you.
" That stupid bitch had it coming.
Oh, God, I love you, Cait.
We are so gonna win the primaries.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
What What were we doing again? Leslie? You're trying to find out what's going on, right? But your friend is standing in your way? How do you know that I can show you what's going on, Kyle, but you have trust me.
What's the last four digits of your soc?