South Park s22e04 Episode Script

1 LES: I'm goin' down to South Park Gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation LES: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" LES: Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! LES: Come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine [GUNSHOTS.]
All right.
Thanks for comin' in today to discuss your daughter's behavior, m'kay.
Exactly what kind of trouble is Shelley in, Mr.
Mackey? Well, unfortunately, we found out our playground monitor has been accepting favors to look the other way at recess and, uh your daughter sent him an inappropriate picture.
of her butthole, m'kay.
Her butthole? Shelley! Why would the recess monitor want a picture of my daughter's butthole?! We've been having a lot of issues at the school with kids vaping lately, and they bribe the recess monitor however they can.
Jesus Christ! How much worse can things get around here?! M'kay, but but there is good news, m'kay.
We had the picture analyzed, and it turns out it was actually just a picture of a dog's butthole, m'kay, that your daughter claimed was hers.
M'kay, there it is a little fur right there.
Seriously? Dog's butthole? That's what we're doing now, huh? There's not enough bad things in the world? We get called into school, here's a dog's butthole for ya.
That's what it's all come to, Shelley!? I'm over it, Sharon.
I am seriously over it.
Don't you wanna just start over? Go back to simpler times? What do you mean? I've had it school shootings, pieces of shit taking Ambien and tweeting, priests raping kids, and somehow I'm not laughing anymore.
Let's do it, Sharon, what I've always talked about.
Let's get outta here.
Go buy a farm and live off the land.
Are you being serious? I've never been more serious.
[HORN HONKS.]
Hey, the lights green! Shut up, Nelson! Let's move out to the country.
Go back to simple living when things mattered, like hard work and tegridy.
How will we make a living? By growing things and selling what we make with our hands.
We can do this, Sharon.
It's time.
- - This ol' world is gettin' to me There's just no trust, no tegridy So, I loaded up the kids, took my wife by the arm And I moved on out to a Colorado farm Now it's early to bed, early to rise The crops are plowed, and it's no surprise City folks are fightin', and I don't give a darn Darn Cause I make my livin' on a Colorado farm I gotta drive the tractor, gotta cut the grass Chut-chut goes the baler like it's never gonna last There's food in the kitchen, and there's bud in the barn Barn That's life livin' on a Colorado farm Ice cold beer, pickup truck Country music, listin' shit We've got tegridy to keep us warm That's what you get on a Colorado Farm And I'm gonna stay on a Colorado Farm - Shit - So, just like that? Your parents sold your house and everything? Yeah, it takes me like an hour to get to school now.
It sucks.
All because Shelley bribed the playground monitor to let her vape during recess.
Why would your sister want to get addicted to those things? Well your little brother does it too, Kyle.
What are you talking about? You didn't know? The kindergartners are, like, the biggest vapers at this school.
Vroom, vroom.
I am a truck! Watch out for the monster! KYLE: Ike! Ike, do you have a vaping pen?! Nope.
Dude! Gimme that! Hey! Gimme back my vaporizer! What is this? Cherry-flavored nicotine?! Are you joking? Aw, come on! All the kids are doing it.
Yeah! I like lemon flavor! I like raspberry! Why do you want nicotine?! Do you know how hard it is being a kindergartner? We need a break sometimes! These things are bad for you, do you understand?! Bad kindergartners! Relax, bitch.
Try some gummy bear surprise.
[COUGHS.]
All right.
Where'd you guys get these? [ENGINE IDLING.]
[ENGINE TURNS OFF.]
Mornin', Joe.
How's the farmin'? Doing good, neighbor.
Just planted some Purple Skunky Kush.
Harvested the Super Hindu Haze last week.
Well that's fine, Joe, just fine.
I'm growin' some Green Willy Stranger myself.
And the Catatonic Tegridy Bud is takin' well.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Well, see ya 'round, neighbor! So long, Joe! [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Kindergartners said it's some big kid in a trench coat.
Hey, look! KYLE: That's gotta be him.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna tell him if he sells a vape pen to my brother again, I'm gonna kick his ass! Hey, you! Oh! Hey, fellas! - Butters?! - What are you guys doin'? Butters, are you selling vapes? Well, sure! Whatcha lookin' for?! I've got strawberry, vanilla, tropical passion - What?! - Tropical passion.
It's like mango and kiwi.
Butters, you understand this stuff is an epidemic at our school?! Yeah, and at five bucks a pop, we're gonna be rich! Butters, this is for Kyle.
Oof! Randy, I think we need to have a talk.
No time to talk.
The agricultural inspector's about to drop by.
Once we get certified from him, we can start selling like a real farm.
Have patience, wife.
Soon our fortunes will change.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
Ooh, that must be him now! Yes, I'm with the State testing board.
Is this Tegridy Farms? Name's right there on the sign.
Come on back! So, with this Vestin device, I can check not only the THC levels in your product, but also detect any impurities and give you a final score based on overall chemical makeup.
Yep.
That's good shit.
Now let me test the levels in your organic house blend.
- [INHALES.]
- [BUBBLING.]
Yep.
That's good shit.
Now what about the Tegridy Jungle Bud? Let's test it out.
- [INHALES.]
- [BUBBLING.]
Whoa.
Yeah? - Whoa.
- Yeeeah?! I don't know what tegridy is, but that is some good shit! All right! Five, five dollar Five-dollar footlooong [DOOR RATTLES.]
Butters?! - Why'd you punch me, Eric?! - I had to! I thought we were partners! Butters, next time when Kyle walks up to you and says "Are you selling vape stuff," You say, "No, I am not, Kyle.
" You punched me in the face! Butters, we have to be extra cautious right now or else we're hang on, hang on [GROANS.]
[STRAINS.]
Hang on.
Hang on.
- [SPLASH.]
- [SIGHS.]
Okay, we have to be extra cautious, Butters.
The whole operation is in a period of transition.
- [TOILET FLUSHES.]
- What's that supposed to mean?! In case you haven't noticed, we're falling behind.
We haven't sold enough product to pay off our overhead.
The people I bought from are on my ass! Everything costs money, Butters.
The pens, the juice, even that jacket I got you.
We can't start getting sloppy now.
Do you understand? Well, I don't know how this means you can go and punch me in the face Everything will make sense, Butters, I told you.
Just stick with the plan, okay? Did you know that vaping is way healthier than smoking cigarettes? All right, everyone! Who's ready for some farm-to-table supper?! We've got some hemp milk here hemp-oil and vinegar bruschetta some hemp seed tabouli.
And guess what the napkins are made from? [HORN HONKS.]
Oh, wonder who that could be.
Howdy.
What can I do ya for? Is this Tegridy Farms? Yeah, name's right there on the sign.
Our company is interested in your product.
We'd like to do some business with you.
Really?! Hey, that'd be great! What kind of company We're one of the top vape companies in the state.
We'd like to add your product to our line.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, no.
Sorry.
I don't want my Tegridy Bud put in those pussy sticks.
Pussy sticks? Yeah, you know penis pen, wussy vape, lady joints.
Not on my farm, no sirree.
You got a problem with vaping?! It's cleaner and healthier than traditional smoking! That's nice.
Now, hows about you take that pussy stick and get off my farm before I shove it up your ass and you're blowing mist out your butthole.
All right.
You can be a part of progress or you can get run over by it.
Yeah, whatever.
All you're doin' is blowin' smoke Sorry, "fruity steam.
" Pussy.
What happened to your accent? Go vape some more, ya [BLEEP.]
puss.
You'll be sorry! I need to speak with the principal.
Okay.
What is it regarding? I'd rather just talk to him.
Right through there, you're second in line.
- Oh, hey, Kyle.
- Hi, Kyle! What are you up to? You know what I'm up to.
Okay, cool.
But come check this out.
- This is really cool - Don't touch me.
- Just come No, just come see.
- D-D-Don't touch me.
This is really cool.
You know, Kyle, people all need a way to relax.
And there's no proof that vaping is that bad for you.
You're selling it to kindergartners! Kindergartners need a break, too, Kyle! BUTTERS: You know they took away their nap time.
- You're such penises.
- Would you rather the kindergartners smoke cigarettes? Would you rather they drank?! That's not good! Kyle! Kyle, Kyle! Okay, okay! Just please listen, all right? The truth is we want out.
Butters and I thought we could just make some easy money.
but you gotta pay off the sixth graders, then you gotta pay off the recess monitor to look the other way.
We're in deep, Kyle.
Just let us sell enough to get out of debt, And we will stop, I swear it.
You're so full of shit.
Come on, Kyle.
We all make mistakes.
Did you already forget last week? You know Ronan Farrow was here asking about you.
Ronan Farrow? No, he wasn't.
Yes, Kyle.
He was right over there! Just, please, give us two days to make back the money we need to get out from under this, and we will stop.
You have my word.
Fine.
But no more pushing it on little kids, you got that? Okay.
I'll focus my marketing another direction.
Thank you, Kyle.
[ENGINE SHUTS OFF.]
What ya doin', Joe? Oh, hey, Randy! We, uh, we sold the farm.
Just like that, huh? You gonna let those people with pussy sticks take over everything? Yeah.
They paid us great! My wife and I are gonna move to Maui! Oh.
Well, I hope you didn't pack your tegridy.
'Cause clearly your tegridy ain't goin'.
[DOOR CREAKS.]
Are you still here? I-I didn't know chickens wore suspenders.
Agh.
[EXAGGERATED YAWN.]
Man, am I feeling tired! All this hard work at school? Yeah! I wish I had a little pick-me-up! Something fresh and fruity to go with my lunch! Just stop.
It's so obvious what you guys are doing.
It sounds so great right now! Can anyone help with some fun, fruity flavors? [RUMBLING, CEMENT CRUMBLING.]
Oh, yeah! Hey, guys, it's the Vaping Man! What are you doing here, Vaping Man? I'm here to offer my fun, fruity flavors in a refreshing mist.
Vaping? Hey, that's bad for you.
Vaping's only for cool kids.
Can I talk to you for a second? Sure, Kyle.
What is this about? Can I talk to you over here? Well, of course.
What did I say about pushing it on little kids? How is this pushing it on little kids, Kyle? Fun, fruity Vaping Man?! It's marketing! Kyle, we have to make the money to pay off our dealer.
How else are we supposed to do it? All right, how much do you owe the dealer? - Why? - How much? Isn't this great, Stan? Living off the land.
No, it sucks.
I hate this.
I wanna go back home.
Well, you see that? We're talkin' now.
When was the last time we really talked like this? I hate you so much.
I think we're having a breakthrough moment.
I want to give you something, son.
Something I made that I want you to have.
- It's a hemp hat.
- No.
Come on.
Let's just see how it fits.
Please, no.
Here just just look.
Just try it.
[SPIN DOCTORS' "TWO PRINCES" PLAYS.]
One, two princes kneel before you - One, two - Whoa.
Princes kneel before you That's what I said, now Princes [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- [CASH REGISTER DINGS.]
- There you go, and thanks for shopping at Big Vape.
[DOOR BUZZES, DOORBELL JINGLES.]
CARTMAN: That's him.
That's my guy.
There you are.
You got my money? Kyle.
Look, my friend is very stupid and should have never gone into business with you.
Who are you? I'm just seeing if I can help settle things.
You probably don't realize it, but vaping is a really big problem at our school.
Look, I'm just filling a job that somebody else would fill, all right? Okay, look, this is the money I've saved up from my past three birthdays.
Can we call this even and end it? Aw, come on, man.
I don't want to take your birthday money.
Whoa.
Hey, dude.
Why is there a dead hooker next to you? - What? - What? Dude, that is a dead hooker.
What are you doing with it? I'm calling the cops! You just put that dead hooker there.
Cartman, what are you doing? There's a dead hooker at the vape store! There! - Ow! - Oh, shit! - [SIREN WAILS.]
- Get the vaporizers and the cash! - Get the cash, Kyle! - W-What What are you doing? - Just get the Oh, shit! Ronan Farrow! - What?! Cartman get the stuff and the cash! Ronan Farrow, Kyle! We got to get out of here! Bless us, Lord, and our little cannabis farm.
And may we always keep our tegridy.
Amen.
So, how was everyone's day? Uh, well, not great.
Uh, Stan got caught with a vaping pen.
With a what?! You know, those little pen and cartridge things with the mist? Stan had a vape pen? You had a [BLEEP.]
vaping Get up to your room right now! Way to underreact, Sharon! Where did you get this? It's not mine.
I took it from a kindergartner.
Yeah, right.
My own son using a pussy stick.
Don't you know what these things are doing to our way of life? I've had enough! What are you gonna do? You think I'm just gonna stand around while they destroy my family? We've worked this farm and this land for over four days.
I'm not about to let some vape queens take it all away from us.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Oh, hello, Kyle! Mr.
Mackey, I need to talk to you about some things going on at school.
M'kay.
Like what? Oh, hi, Kyle! Hey, Kyle! We were just talking to the counsellor about some college opportunities.
What are you doing here? You know what I'm doing here! Okay, well, we really should talk first, Kyle.
No.
Mr.
Mackey, there's a big operation going on at the school.
Kyle, things have changed.
You need to listen.
- Things are getting out of control - Kyle, Kyle, just one minute.
- and you need to know what's going on! - You want to hear this.
You need to hear this! - What?! - We'll be right back, Mr.
Mackey.
M'kay! Let go of me! - Kyle, listen.
It's bad.
- What's bad? The guy we tried to frame at the vape shop.
He was the one who the sixth graders got their shit from.
The sixth graders are pissed at us, Kyle.
We have to break into the vape shop and steal enough stuff to make the sixth graders happy.
You guys decided to beat up the dealer.
Yeah, but the sixth graders know you were there! - How? - 'Cause Eric told them! We are all in this together, Kyle! We got to rob the vape shop, and then we can put this all behind us.
Please, Kyle, we still got to pay people off.
[RUMBLING.]
Oh, yeah! Hey, bitches! Where's my mother [BLEEP.]
money? - Run! - Aah! [ROBERT TEPPER'S "NO EASY WAY OUT" PLAYS.]
We're not indestructible Baby, better get that straight I think it's unbelievable How you give in to the hands of fate ["TWO PRINCES" PLAYS.]
One, two, princes kneel before you That's what I said [MUSIC STOPS, CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
Randy, where are you going? Gonna go fight for my children's future.
[TRACTOR ENGINE RUMBLING.]
[ENGINE SHUTS OFF.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
All right, you bunch of vape-smoking pussies.
[CONVERSATIONS STOP.]
You try and take my way of life? Time to show you some tegridy.
Tegridy? What's tegridy? - ["TWO PRINCES" RESUMES.]
- Yeah! Ow! Ouch! Hey! Hyah! Hyah! Owie! Get your stupid mist out of my [BLEEP.]
face! Hey! I like to vape.
You think I'm a pussy? Yup.
Ow! Wow.
You're so smart to think of a siphon, Kyle! Just shut up and keep pumping.
What are you kids doing? Aw, shit! You little hoodlums break in through the window? I ought to break your little legs! I don't think so.
Mr.
Marsh.
Just what the Sam hell you boys doing here? All right, listen.
I should have talked to an adult from the beginning.
- Kyle, what are you doing? - There are these three big vaping syndicates at our school, - and these guys are one of them.
- Kyle, no, no, no, no.
They had someone buying stuff from here for them, and then they sold it to kids.
Okay, Kyle, I'm calling Ronan Farrow.
The sixth graders, these guys, and Becky Thompson are all at each other for control of the playground.
Hello, Ronan? Eric Cartman.
Yeah, hey.
I was going to tell an adult, but these guys said they'd stop.
So, you know Kyle? Yeah, well, you're right about him.
It's good you came clean, son.
It shows that you've got [SLOW-MO SCREAM.]
Didn't your mommy teach you it doesn't pay to mess with progress? Yeah.
She taught me somethin' else, too.
If you're gonna fight for your tegridy, don't forget to bring a towel.
Vape on this, bitch! [MUFFLED SCREAMS.]
- Yeah! - [GRUNTING.]
Take that, stupid vaping! [BODY THUDS.]
[VALVES SQUEAK, MIST HISSES.]
Move it, boys! Come on! Go, go, go! [RUMBLING.]
[MIST HISSES.]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
[EXPLOSION.]
Does this mean we're out of the vaping business, fellas? [SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS.]
It's in you It's in me A little somethin' called Tegridy Well, shit.
Looks like we made it to another sunrise.
Oh, God.
This is just gonna get worse, isn't it? Yup, son.
I think the fight's just startin'.
Farmers like us are under attack.
Yupper.
We gots a lot of work to do.
We can't let 'em take what makes us special.
Tegridy Weed from Tegridy Farms.
Made with a little Colorado tegridy.
Comin' soon to a dispensary near you.