Speechless (2016) s02e11 Episode Script
N-E-- NEW Y-- YEAR'S E-- EVE
1 Good morning, DiMeos.
[PEPPER BARKING.]
Good morning, Pepper.
Whoa.
[LAUGHS.]
Welcome, Kenneth.
Pepper's sorting us by gender.
- Okay.
Why? - Don't know.
But it was important enough to start at 5:00 this morning.
Pepper's been showing us all he learned in his service dog training.
He can undress JJ.
He brings us food.
He gets the lights.
Oh, thanks, Pepper.
He even helps you when you get anxious.
But he's also been showing us why he got kicked out of the program.
Please, not again.
I want them on.
Pepper has his own plans For our clothes Pepper, please.
I hate bananas.
For what we eat, and for our sanity.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I'll tell you anything you want to know, Pepper! Just make it stop! Drool makes me anxious.
So he's got some skills, but a frustrating inability to play by the rules.
This dog is a DiMeo.
No, Pepper! Not the lights! Stop it! [LAUGHS.]
It's not so easy, is it? Come here, Pepper.
Come here, poochie-poo.
Hey, Pepper.
Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Wait.
I'm the one who wanted him.
Why does he like everyone more than me? I don't know.
It just feels nice to get a win.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2.
Whoa.
This is White.
Yeah.
JJ's got that big New Year's Party.
So he wanted to explore some creative dancing strategies.
How much are we paying you for these sessions? For the last six weeks, nothing.
Dance on! Oh, actually, I should get going.
Lost track of time.
Almost gave you your whole hour.
So, the Double J's got a really exciting night out.
- Hey, what about you, Jimmy? - [MUSIC STOPS.]
Uh, what do you got planned? I might be exploring some creative dancing strategies of my own.
I'm spending the night out on the town with Maya.
Good for you, buddy.
You two never get time alone.
Jimmy's gonna get some lovin' Jimmy's gonna get some lovin' That was disrespectful.
Maya's gonna get some lovin' Stop your bawdy playfulness.
Jimmy, I've been thinking about tomorrow night, our night together.
It's going to be great.
I totally agree with the need for it.
I'd like you to go alone.
No! We are going out together.
Yeah, but what if they need us? What if JJ needs us? What if there's a fire? Why would there be a fire? Because of the earthquake.
Something's gonna happen, Jimmy.
It always does.
Come on.
It's New Year's Eve.
When was the last time you and I spent New Year's Eve together, just us? Oh, I don't answer questions that prove someone else's point.
KENNETH: Well, you sure do deserve it.
Ring in the new year, have some fun.
Yeah! So, what are we doing tomorrow? We? Uh, we don't have plans tomorrow.
Uh we do.
We made a plan this summer, you canceled, but promised to to reschedule, we made plans again, then you canceled those, I said, "You're not just gonna keep canceling and never actually do it, right?" And you said, "Me? Nah!" And I said, "So when are we going?" And you said, "Ya know, in a bit.
" And I said, "Okay, but this year, right?" And you said, "Of course!" And the year ends tomorrow.
[MAYA GASPS.]
Kenneth's gonna get some lovin' - Kenneth's gonna get some lo - Stop it! Okay.
Well, uh, I guess you and I will be spending New Year's Eve together.
- Mm.
- [PEPPER BARKING.]
Pepper! What is your deal? You're supposed to be my weird dog.
Sit on me.
In a minute.
I need this.
[CHUCKLES.]
'Sup, Ray? Oh, hi, I was just leaving.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Justin, I must have accidentally told you to come too early, and now you have to stand there and see my girlfriend kiss me goodbye.
Aah! What a scheduling nightmare.
[WHISPERS.]
Sorry.
Bye, Justin.
Happy New Year.
You too.
What do you two have planned for tomorrow? Oh, my friend's parents are out of town, so we're going on her boat.
It's just gonna be a small thing, really intimate.
It's gonna be a special night.
What a joy that woman is.
Dude.
She's gonna eat you alive! What? A "special night" on a boat with no parents? There's gonna be some motion on that ocean! [LAUGHS.]
You ready to rock her world? Psssh.
Yeah.
I-I'm about to get boisterous on that girl.
It's gonna be so crazy, I'm gonna get pregnant.
But for the sake of conversation wouldn't it be funny if I were actually super nervous about all that stuff? Like, not ready for any of it? I guess that's kind of humorous.
And what would you tell a guy like that? Would you tell him to be honest with his girlfriend? Oh, definitely not.
She would laugh in his face, dump him, and then go hit up his friends.
Oh, yeah, he'd deserve it.
[SCOFFS.]
That jerk.
But you don't have to worry about that guy, because you're "All the way Ray"! Mothers, lock up your daughters.
What's this doing here? Not sure.
Unrelated, something's wrong with JJ's wheelchair.
The housing snapped off, and there's no way to fix it.
He can't go out in this.
"Great.
No party for me.
I'll stay home.
" See, Jimmy? Something always comes up.
- We'll stay home, too.
- Noooo! Too dramatic.
I'm sorry.
I've gamed out every scenario for tonight in my mind.
If we leave him alone, there's a 100% chance he'll die.
"Don't cancel your plans.
You" D-E "deserve a night out.
" Fine, you guilted me! Taylor and I will just stay here with you, JJ.
So long, romantic boat party.
You don't have to stay.
I'm gonna be here bonding with my best bud, Pepper.
[PEPPER WHINES.]
Ha! Psych! Got me that time, best bud.
Wait.
Dylan and the dog are gonna be here, too? That means I won't be able to do any of the things I'm comfortable with.
See? The kids will all be together.
They'll be fine.
I won't be able to relax.
We can't go out.
Okay.
We can still have a fun night.
Let's go get some party supplies.
We'll be back in a minute, kids.
Yeah, I need my keys.
Uh, Pepper! Keys! Ohhhh! Weird boy.
So weird.
Dude, I heard you with your friend before.
If you're nervous about this Taylor stuff, be straight with her.
Staying here and surrounding yourself with people is a really dumb plan.
Look, I don't know what you think you heard but ya didn't.
- Hmm.
- You're just not down with the lingo.
See, when we teens say something is "bad," we actually mean it's good, ya dig? Okay, let me try again.
Uh, your plan is very bad.
See? Now you're getting it! Ha ha! Too slow.
Well, goodbye, party shirt.
Hello, party supply buying shirt.
Darling, don't hate me.
You know, it's just our life.
We don't get to take the night off.
I know about our life.
I love our life.
We've been thrown some curve balls, stuff that blows a lot of weaker people up.
Stuff that blows a lot of strong people up.
And we're good.
That's worth celebrating.
You know what? [TIRES SCREECHING.]
Ahh.
You're not gonna react to that? I changed my mind.
Oh! Well, that's how you always drive.
I didn't realize.
Great, great.
You know the bar is back that way? [TIRES SCREECHING.]
I'm sorry you're stuck here all night.
"It's" N "New Year's.
I wanted some" E-X "excitement.
" [SIGHS.]
Huh! [PARTY FAVOR BLOWS.]
Well, I'm around if you need me.
Just gonna be spending quality time with a dog who loves me.
C'mere, c'mere.
[PEPPER WHINES.]
[SIGHS.]
Don't run after him.
Show some self-respect.
This is an unrelated run! - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Come back, Pepper! Come back! Hi.
Happy New Year.
Hello, ma'am.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hi, JJ.
Sorry for the change of plans.
I was really excited for a romantic evening, but I don't know It just didn't feel right to go out when JJ couldn't.
Oh, I understand.
That's so sweet.
And don't worry.
We can have plenty of fun later.
That seems insensitive to JJ.
Please help yourself to a refreshment.
- Hey, everyone.
- Kenneth? Yeah.
What? Don't you remember your parents begging me to cancel my big plans with Joyce to come watch you guys? Not gonna sugarcoat it, I am very unhappy to see you people off the clock.
This sucks.
I'll be in the kitchen.
I thought you said surrounding myself with people was a very dumb plan.
That's weird, because your plan seems awfully similar.
Ray, now is not the time to nitpick.
Now is the time to foster a sexless environment.
Think you can do that? Astronomy club in the house! [LAUGHS.]
Who wants to play "San Diego-opoly"? I'm in.
You invited those guys? - Hey, hey, hey! - Oh, I came to the right place.
[LAUGHTER.]
Well, I told the kids we would be out for the night, and they were fine.
Ray seemed a bit disappointed, though.
He said something about needing us to be a buffer.
I didn't understand.
That was very sweet.
- I like this place.
- It's fun, right? Yeah.
It sort of reminds me of that bar we used to go to in New York.
Do you remember they'd serve those giant balls of toxic, fruity rum drinks? I think we spent our first New Year's together there.
Did we? Oh, Jimmy, you're so romantic.
- Jimmy's gonna get some lovin' - That's true.
I am.
Jimmy's gonna get some lovin' [LAUGHS.]
Oh, no! Darling! Who's driving home? A cab.
Or my mom.
You know, she always said that if I ever had too much to drink, she'd come and get me, no questions asked.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- To us.
All right.
We don't do this, so when we do this, we do this.
Oh, you are scary when you're fun.
Hmm.
To us.
Aah! That was too strong.
Yeah.
Ohhhh This is fun, right? Just a wholesome New Year's Eve like the olden days.
JJ, you good over there? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Is Taylor here? - Uh Oh, hi.
Taylor, we're gonna go to Shelby's house, and we were There's boys here! [ALL SCREAMING.]
Whoa.
This game's only for four players.
You have bad skin, but you're cute.
Dude! What the hell is going on? Taylor and her friends go to an all-girls' school.
Any boy to them is like a water fountain in the desert.
Oh! Oh.
That explains a lot about you and Taylor, too.
No, because we - Hmm? - See, we met One problem at a time, Kenneth! Oh, look at these young lovebirds.
How 'bout we two crusty veterans show 'em how it's done? Actually, uh, Kenneth was just about to show me the pustule on his foot.
Uh, yeah.
I want to see if it looks like the pustule on Ray's thigh.
Oh, hey, Taylor.
You got any questions for the pustule brothers? Does the question have to be about pustules? - It's preferred.
- Yeah, pre ferred.
Hey, can I sit here? Okay, great.
[SIGHS.]
My boyfriend is such a jerk.
He went to Burrito Burrito without me and posted a picture.
He knows it's my favorite restaurant.
I mean, he doesn't even like it.
He says the fiesta sauce is too tangy.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry for venting.
I mean, you can leave if you don't want to hear this.
Have you ever loved someone who brings you nothing but pain? Why was he at Burrito Burrito?! [SLURPING.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS.]
[LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
How many bowls is that? Hang on.
One.
And.
Two.
Math.
Very cool! Ah! My drunkenness level has reached "karaoke.
" But that bloke's been hogging the mic for half an hour! That is a karaoke no-no.
Ha! Wait.
You're a band.
Carry on.
Pssh! You said you wanted tonight to be epic.
I don't recall saying that.
Ah! Yes, you do.
It's my turn, buddy.
If these girls can flirt with Ray's band of zeroes, you can at least sit next to me.
[PEPPER WHINES.]
Seriously? Is something wrong with me? Anyway, those are the six reasons why I'll probably return my turtle.
How did we even start talking about this? Oh! Right.
I got the turtle because stupid Xander's allergic to everything else.
Except apparently Burrito Burrito.
I can't believe you remembered all that.
You are such a good listener.
I can't remember the last time I dated a good listener.
Are good listeners also good kissers? ALL: Spin the dog! Spin the dog! [PEPPER BARKS.]
ALL: Oh! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Here's a thought Does anyone want to watch Ken Burns' 10-part Vietnam War documentary? The New York Times calls it his saddest film.
Ray, there is a time and place for documentaries, and this is not it.
- Kenneth! - Ray! Oh! There you are.
Let's do this, Ray.
There's no point in having the same rash if we're not gonna put cream on each other.
[SIGHS.]
Do you get the feeling they're trying to ditch us? This is gonna happen in your life.
Men are threatened by a woman with strong sexual energy.
- So what do you do? - You threaten them even more.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- [ALL GASP, MURMUR.]
Who turned off the lights? [LIGHT SWITCH CLICKING.]
- The power's out.
- [SIGHS.]
Wait.
This is a good thing.
Darkness will kill the party.
YOUNG MAN: I can't see.
Looks like I'm gonna have to feel my way around.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Ugh! Teens.
Are you like a really old person trapped in this body? You're a heartbreaker Dream maker, love taker Don't you mess around, no, no, no! MAN: Get off the stage! We want the singer! - That's fair.
- Go on, order us another one.
Sure.
May we please have minus three scorpion bowls please? - [CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
- Uh-oh.
Wait.
It's Ray.
Do we know a Ray? Hold my shoe.
Oh! Speaking.
All smooth.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hold on, hold on.
Oh, no.
Uh, the power's out at the house.
They need us.
Not us, but, like, the version of us that can feel our legs.
Darling, it's Mommy.
Yeah, don't worry.
Everything's fine.
Okay, the flashlights are above the fridge.
Dig them out, sit tight, and just tell everybody we're on our way home.
Okay? You're not drunk! You tricked me.
There wasn't any alcohol in these.
[THUDS.]
- [ALL GASP.]
- [GROANS.]
I drank it all, and that is how you tricked me.
[ALL CHEERING.]
What is this? Strip "San Diego-opoly," baby! I dare you to play with us.
We're also playing truth or dare.
Actually, I think Kenneth wants to Strip with teens? Oh, no, he doesn't.
And shenanigans aside, I'd like to be very clear about that.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Maddie?! - [ALL GASP.]
- No way! Xander! Who is this guy? He never said his name.
But he means more to me now than you have or ever will.
- Tell him, guy.
- Go ahead.
Tell me, guy.
Harumph.
Is that a sound I make when I'm upset? I don't remember a time before I was drunk.
Why are you upset? It's a good thing I stayed sober in case something came up because something did.
You betrayed me! Were you even really laughing at my Forrest Gump impression? Yeah, I've never seen "Forrest Gump.
" What?! [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Hi, Ray.
We're on our way home.
Come quick.
Dylan is missing, some big guy is about to beat up JJ, and the darkness is making things extremely randy.
Dylan's missing?! Yes, but I feel like the headline is the randy atmosphere.
If you treasure my innocence, drive fast.
Ray, we have someone in the car with us.
Forrest Gump.
Would you like to talk to him? God, no.
Aw, come on, he's good! [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
[GASPS.]
You found me.
You do care.
[SNIFFLES.]
Wait, how did you even get up here? Hmm, doesn't matter.
Hold on a second.
So you didn't care until I needed you, is that it? Just playing it too cool.
Well, I try to come off all tough, but I hurt, too.
[WHINES.]
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
That's better.
[LAUGHS.]
What's up, guy? Awful quiet.
You were talking a lot when you tried to get with my girlfriend.
Go ahead and fight him.
He'll beat your ass.
He knows you don't deserve me.
Right, guy? If you don't beg for forgiveness, I'm gonna destroy you.
One two What, do you think I'm bluffing?! You're right.
I am, and I don't deserve you.
But I want to.
But like guy said, it's never too late to start trying.
Thanks, guy.
Yeah, man.
You're the best.
[SIGHS.]
I thought she'd never leave.
Mind if I sit here? Hmm.
Strong, silent type.
20 minutes to midnight.
If we keep playing interference, we might make it to the new year unkissed.
We have weird goals sometimes.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Ray, we need to talk.
I'll leave the three of you to it.
- Mm.
- Mm-mm! What's going on with you? Either you're trying to set me up with Kenneth or you're avoiding being alone with me.
Kenneth does have his charms Ray, we said that we would always be honest with each other about two things Our feelings and our chances of getting into top-tier colleges.
And tonight, I'm sorry, but I'm giving you a Skidmore.
I'm sorry! I know guys are always supposed to be ready and pushing it and "Ooh, hubba-hubba.
" But I'm not like that.
And I can get uncomfortable with all the mwah, mwah, mwah.
Yeah, I think we're all uncomfortable with that.
That's why you're being so weird? [CHUCKLES .]
Ray, it's fine.
No! That is not what you told me.
Ray, this is a woman.
A woman with desires.
She needs to be kissed and kissed good by someone who knows how, instead of chasing him all over some kid party, Kenneth.
And if you're worried about how to do it, here.
Watch this.
Mm! Mm! [GASPS.]
Should be something there you can use.
W-W-W-Where are you going, girl? I-I think you just changed our dynamic.
Honey? So it's fine.
We can slow things How was it? Be honest.
I have notes.
Yes! I love notes! Hold up! Stop what you're doing.
Who's bothering JJ? No? Oh, good.
Must have been quite a boring evening.
Do you want me to get you off the sofa? This guy's advice is gonna change your life.
- He is so deep.
- Really? - Hi.
- Hey.
Well, then, let's find Dylan.
I'm here, Mom.
Pepper rescued me.
From the pride I wore like armor.
That's gonna keep him busy for a while.
- What about Ray? - Oh, I'm fine.
I've just got to use my tongue a little less.
Now we just need to find JJ.
And if he's good, then they're all good.
Jimmy, we did him first.
Well, I forgot! Mom, we're all fine.
You are.
Yeah, you figured it all out yourselves.
[LAUGHS.]
Do you know what? We do deserve to relax.
Maybe let go a little bit.
I mean, not you.
You've let go quite enough.
But I can.
And starting now, I'm gonna try.
Not until we find Ray.
Ray! Is everyone ready? Here it comes.
- ALL: Ten! Nine! Eight! - JIMMY: Eleven! Twelve! - Other way! - Seven! Six! I don't know what we're doing.
Five! Four! Three! Too cool to count down? That's so hot.
- Two! One! - Happy New Year! [ALL CHEERING.]
Better? I think so.
Try again.
That's not what I want.
[LAUGHS.]
[CELLPHONE BUZZES.]
Did you text your Mom to come and pick us up? 'Cause she's on her way to the airport.
Oh! Joyce, where are you? People and dogs are kissing.
- [LAUGHS.]
- You messed me up good, girl.
[PEPPER BARKING.]
Good morning, Pepper.
Whoa.
[LAUGHS.]
Welcome, Kenneth.
Pepper's sorting us by gender.
- Okay.
Why? - Don't know.
But it was important enough to start at 5:00 this morning.
Pepper's been showing us all he learned in his service dog training.
He can undress JJ.
He brings us food.
He gets the lights.
Oh, thanks, Pepper.
He even helps you when you get anxious.
But he's also been showing us why he got kicked out of the program.
Please, not again.
I want them on.
Pepper has his own plans For our clothes Pepper, please.
I hate bananas.
For what we eat, and for our sanity.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I'll tell you anything you want to know, Pepper! Just make it stop! Drool makes me anxious.
So he's got some skills, but a frustrating inability to play by the rules.
This dog is a DiMeo.
No, Pepper! Not the lights! Stop it! [LAUGHS.]
It's not so easy, is it? Come here, Pepper.
Come here, poochie-poo.
Hey, Pepper.
Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Wait.
I'm the one who wanted him.
Why does he like everyone more than me? I don't know.
It just feels nice to get a win.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2.
Whoa.
This is White.
Yeah.
JJ's got that big New Year's Party.
So he wanted to explore some creative dancing strategies.
How much are we paying you for these sessions? For the last six weeks, nothing.
Dance on! Oh, actually, I should get going.
Lost track of time.
Almost gave you your whole hour.
So, the Double J's got a really exciting night out.
- Hey, what about you, Jimmy? - [MUSIC STOPS.]
Uh, what do you got planned? I might be exploring some creative dancing strategies of my own.
I'm spending the night out on the town with Maya.
Good for you, buddy.
You two never get time alone.
Jimmy's gonna get some lovin' Jimmy's gonna get some lovin' That was disrespectful.
Maya's gonna get some lovin' Stop your bawdy playfulness.
Jimmy, I've been thinking about tomorrow night, our night together.
It's going to be great.
I totally agree with the need for it.
I'd like you to go alone.
No! We are going out together.
Yeah, but what if they need us? What if JJ needs us? What if there's a fire? Why would there be a fire? Because of the earthquake.
Something's gonna happen, Jimmy.
It always does.
Come on.
It's New Year's Eve.
When was the last time you and I spent New Year's Eve together, just us? Oh, I don't answer questions that prove someone else's point.
KENNETH: Well, you sure do deserve it.
Ring in the new year, have some fun.
Yeah! So, what are we doing tomorrow? We? Uh, we don't have plans tomorrow.
Uh we do.
We made a plan this summer, you canceled, but promised to to reschedule, we made plans again, then you canceled those, I said, "You're not just gonna keep canceling and never actually do it, right?" And you said, "Me? Nah!" And I said, "So when are we going?" And you said, "Ya know, in a bit.
" And I said, "Okay, but this year, right?" And you said, "Of course!" And the year ends tomorrow.
[MAYA GASPS.]
Kenneth's gonna get some lovin' - Kenneth's gonna get some lo - Stop it! Okay.
Well, uh, I guess you and I will be spending New Year's Eve together.
- Mm.
- [PEPPER BARKING.]
Pepper! What is your deal? You're supposed to be my weird dog.
Sit on me.
In a minute.
I need this.
[CHUCKLES.]
'Sup, Ray? Oh, hi, I was just leaving.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Justin, I must have accidentally told you to come too early, and now you have to stand there and see my girlfriend kiss me goodbye.
Aah! What a scheduling nightmare.
[WHISPERS.]
Sorry.
Bye, Justin.
Happy New Year.
You too.
What do you two have planned for tomorrow? Oh, my friend's parents are out of town, so we're going on her boat.
It's just gonna be a small thing, really intimate.
It's gonna be a special night.
What a joy that woman is.
Dude.
She's gonna eat you alive! What? A "special night" on a boat with no parents? There's gonna be some motion on that ocean! [LAUGHS.]
You ready to rock her world? Psssh.
Yeah.
I-I'm about to get boisterous on that girl.
It's gonna be so crazy, I'm gonna get pregnant.
But for the sake of conversation wouldn't it be funny if I were actually super nervous about all that stuff? Like, not ready for any of it? I guess that's kind of humorous.
And what would you tell a guy like that? Would you tell him to be honest with his girlfriend? Oh, definitely not.
She would laugh in his face, dump him, and then go hit up his friends.
Oh, yeah, he'd deserve it.
[SCOFFS.]
That jerk.
But you don't have to worry about that guy, because you're "All the way Ray"! Mothers, lock up your daughters.
What's this doing here? Not sure.
Unrelated, something's wrong with JJ's wheelchair.
The housing snapped off, and there's no way to fix it.
He can't go out in this.
"Great.
No party for me.
I'll stay home.
" See, Jimmy? Something always comes up.
- We'll stay home, too.
- Noooo! Too dramatic.
I'm sorry.
I've gamed out every scenario for tonight in my mind.
If we leave him alone, there's a 100% chance he'll die.
"Don't cancel your plans.
You" D-E "deserve a night out.
" Fine, you guilted me! Taylor and I will just stay here with you, JJ.
So long, romantic boat party.
You don't have to stay.
I'm gonna be here bonding with my best bud, Pepper.
[PEPPER WHINES.]
Ha! Psych! Got me that time, best bud.
Wait.
Dylan and the dog are gonna be here, too? That means I won't be able to do any of the things I'm comfortable with.
See? The kids will all be together.
They'll be fine.
I won't be able to relax.
We can't go out.
Okay.
We can still have a fun night.
Let's go get some party supplies.
We'll be back in a minute, kids.
Yeah, I need my keys.
Uh, Pepper! Keys! Ohhhh! Weird boy.
So weird.
Dude, I heard you with your friend before.
If you're nervous about this Taylor stuff, be straight with her.
Staying here and surrounding yourself with people is a really dumb plan.
Look, I don't know what you think you heard but ya didn't.
- Hmm.
- You're just not down with the lingo.
See, when we teens say something is "bad," we actually mean it's good, ya dig? Okay, let me try again.
Uh, your plan is very bad.
See? Now you're getting it! Ha ha! Too slow.
Well, goodbye, party shirt.
Hello, party supply buying shirt.
Darling, don't hate me.
You know, it's just our life.
We don't get to take the night off.
I know about our life.
I love our life.
We've been thrown some curve balls, stuff that blows a lot of weaker people up.
Stuff that blows a lot of strong people up.
And we're good.
That's worth celebrating.
You know what? [TIRES SCREECHING.]
Ahh.
You're not gonna react to that? I changed my mind.
Oh! Well, that's how you always drive.
I didn't realize.
Great, great.
You know the bar is back that way? [TIRES SCREECHING.]
I'm sorry you're stuck here all night.
"It's" N "New Year's.
I wanted some" E-X "excitement.
" [SIGHS.]
Huh! [PARTY FAVOR BLOWS.]
Well, I'm around if you need me.
Just gonna be spending quality time with a dog who loves me.
C'mere, c'mere.
[PEPPER WHINES.]
[SIGHS.]
Don't run after him.
Show some self-respect.
This is an unrelated run! - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Come back, Pepper! Come back! Hi.
Happy New Year.
Hello, ma'am.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hi, JJ.
Sorry for the change of plans.
I was really excited for a romantic evening, but I don't know It just didn't feel right to go out when JJ couldn't.
Oh, I understand.
That's so sweet.
And don't worry.
We can have plenty of fun later.
That seems insensitive to JJ.
Please help yourself to a refreshment.
- Hey, everyone.
- Kenneth? Yeah.
What? Don't you remember your parents begging me to cancel my big plans with Joyce to come watch you guys? Not gonna sugarcoat it, I am very unhappy to see you people off the clock.
This sucks.
I'll be in the kitchen.
I thought you said surrounding myself with people was a very dumb plan.
That's weird, because your plan seems awfully similar.
Ray, now is not the time to nitpick.
Now is the time to foster a sexless environment.
Think you can do that? Astronomy club in the house! [LAUGHS.]
Who wants to play "San Diego-opoly"? I'm in.
You invited those guys? - Hey, hey, hey! - Oh, I came to the right place.
[LAUGHTER.]
Well, I told the kids we would be out for the night, and they were fine.
Ray seemed a bit disappointed, though.
He said something about needing us to be a buffer.
I didn't understand.
That was very sweet.
- I like this place.
- It's fun, right? Yeah.
It sort of reminds me of that bar we used to go to in New York.
Do you remember they'd serve those giant balls of toxic, fruity rum drinks? I think we spent our first New Year's together there.
Did we? Oh, Jimmy, you're so romantic.
- Jimmy's gonna get some lovin' - That's true.
I am.
Jimmy's gonna get some lovin' [LAUGHS.]
Oh, no! Darling! Who's driving home? A cab.
Or my mom.
You know, she always said that if I ever had too much to drink, she'd come and get me, no questions asked.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- To us.
All right.
We don't do this, so when we do this, we do this.
Oh, you are scary when you're fun.
Hmm.
To us.
Aah! That was too strong.
Yeah.
Ohhhh This is fun, right? Just a wholesome New Year's Eve like the olden days.
JJ, you good over there? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Is Taylor here? - Uh Oh, hi.
Taylor, we're gonna go to Shelby's house, and we were There's boys here! [ALL SCREAMING.]
Whoa.
This game's only for four players.
You have bad skin, but you're cute.
Dude! What the hell is going on? Taylor and her friends go to an all-girls' school.
Any boy to them is like a water fountain in the desert.
Oh! Oh.
That explains a lot about you and Taylor, too.
No, because we - Hmm? - See, we met One problem at a time, Kenneth! Oh, look at these young lovebirds.
How 'bout we two crusty veterans show 'em how it's done? Actually, uh, Kenneth was just about to show me the pustule on his foot.
Uh, yeah.
I want to see if it looks like the pustule on Ray's thigh.
Oh, hey, Taylor.
You got any questions for the pustule brothers? Does the question have to be about pustules? - It's preferred.
- Yeah, pre ferred.
Hey, can I sit here? Okay, great.
[SIGHS.]
My boyfriend is such a jerk.
He went to Burrito Burrito without me and posted a picture.
He knows it's my favorite restaurant.
I mean, he doesn't even like it.
He says the fiesta sauce is too tangy.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry for venting.
I mean, you can leave if you don't want to hear this.
Have you ever loved someone who brings you nothing but pain? Why was he at Burrito Burrito?! [SLURPING.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS.]
[LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
How many bowls is that? Hang on.
One.
And.
Two.
Math.
Very cool! Ah! My drunkenness level has reached "karaoke.
" But that bloke's been hogging the mic for half an hour! That is a karaoke no-no.
Ha! Wait.
You're a band.
Carry on.
Pssh! You said you wanted tonight to be epic.
I don't recall saying that.
Ah! Yes, you do.
It's my turn, buddy.
If these girls can flirt with Ray's band of zeroes, you can at least sit next to me.
[PEPPER WHINES.]
Seriously? Is something wrong with me? Anyway, those are the six reasons why I'll probably return my turtle.
How did we even start talking about this? Oh! Right.
I got the turtle because stupid Xander's allergic to everything else.
Except apparently Burrito Burrito.
I can't believe you remembered all that.
You are such a good listener.
I can't remember the last time I dated a good listener.
Are good listeners also good kissers? ALL: Spin the dog! Spin the dog! [PEPPER BARKS.]
ALL: Oh! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Here's a thought Does anyone want to watch Ken Burns' 10-part Vietnam War documentary? The New York Times calls it his saddest film.
Ray, there is a time and place for documentaries, and this is not it.
- Kenneth! - Ray! Oh! There you are.
Let's do this, Ray.
There's no point in having the same rash if we're not gonna put cream on each other.
[SIGHS.]
Do you get the feeling they're trying to ditch us? This is gonna happen in your life.
Men are threatened by a woman with strong sexual energy.
- So what do you do? - You threaten them even more.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- [ALL GASP, MURMUR.]
Who turned off the lights? [LIGHT SWITCH CLICKING.]
- The power's out.
- [SIGHS.]
Wait.
This is a good thing.
Darkness will kill the party.
YOUNG MAN: I can't see.
Looks like I'm gonna have to feel my way around.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Ugh! Teens.
Are you like a really old person trapped in this body? You're a heartbreaker Dream maker, love taker Don't you mess around, no, no, no! MAN: Get off the stage! We want the singer! - That's fair.
- Go on, order us another one.
Sure.
May we please have minus three scorpion bowls please? - [CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
- Uh-oh.
Wait.
It's Ray.
Do we know a Ray? Hold my shoe.
Oh! Speaking.
All smooth.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hold on, hold on.
Oh, no.
Uh, the power's out at the house.
They need us.
Not us, but, like, the version of us that can feel our legs.
Darling, it's Mommy.
Yeah, don't worry.
Everything's fine.
Okay, the flashlights are above the fridge.
Dig them out, sit tight, and just tell everybody we're on our way home.
Okay? You're not drunk! You tricked me.
There wasn't any alcohol in these.
[THUDS.]
- [ALL GASP.]
- [GROANS.]
I drank it all, and that is how you tricked me.
[ALL CHEERING.]
What is this? Strip "San Diego-opoly," baby! I dare you to play with us.
We're also playing truth or dare.
Actually, I think Kenneth wants to Strip with teens? Oh, no, he doesn't.
And shenanigans aside, I'd like to be very clear about that.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Maddie?! - [ALL GASP.]
- No way! Xander! Who is this guy? He never said his name.
But he means more to me now than you have or ever will.
- Tell him, guy.
- Go ahead.
Tell me, guy.
Harumph.
Is that a sound I make when I'm upset? I don't remember a time before I was drunk.
Why are you upset? It's a good thing I stayed sober in case something came up because something did.
You betrayed me! Were you even really laughing at my Forrest Gump impression? Yeah, I've never seen "Forrest Gump.
" What?! [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Hi, Ray.
We're on our way home.
Come quick.
Dylan is missing, some big guy is about to beat up JJ, and the darkness is making things extremely randy.
Dylan's missing?! Yes, but I feel like the headline is the randy atmosphere.
If you treasure my innocence, drive fast.
Ray, we have someone in the car with us.
Forrest Gump.
Would you like to talk to him? God, no.
Aw, come on, he's good! [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
[GASPS.]
You found me.
You do care.
[SNIFFLES.]
Wait, how did you even get up here? Hmm, doesn't matter.
Hold on a second.
So you didn't care until I needed you, is that it? Just playing it too cool.
Well, I try to come off all tough, but I hurt, too.
[WHINES.]
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
That's better.
[LAUGHS.]
What's up, guy? Awful quiet.
You were talking a lot when you tried to get with my girlfriend.
Go ahead and fight him.
He'll beat your ass.
He knows you don't deserve me.
Right, guy? If you don't beg for forgiveness, I'm gonna destroy you.
One two What, do you think I'm bluffing?! You're right.
I am, and I don't deserve you.
But I want to.
But like guy said, it's never too late to start trying.
Thanks, guy.
Yeah, man.
You're the best.
[SIGHS.]
I thought she'd never leave.
Mind if I sit here? Hmm.
Strong, silent type.
20 minutes to midnight.
If we keep playing interference, we might make it to the new year unkissed.
We have weird goals sometimes.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Ray, we need to talk.
I'll leave the three of you to it.
- Mm.
- Mm-mm! What's going on with you? Either you're trying to set me up with Kenneth or you're avoiding being alone with me.
Kenneth does have his charms Ray, we said that we would always be honest with each other about two things Our feelings and our chances of getting into top-tier colleges.
And tonight, I'm sorry, but I'm giving you a Skidmore.
I'm sorry! I know guys are always supposed to be ready and pushing it and "Ooh, hubba-hubba.
" But I'm not like that.
And I can get uncomfortable with all the mwah, mwah, mwah.
Yeah, I think we're all uncomfortable with that.
That's why you're being so weird? [CHUCKLES .]
Ray, it's fine.
No! That is not what you told me.
Ray, this is a woman.
A woman with desires.
She needs to be kissed and kissed good by someone who knows how, instead of chasing him all over some kid party, Kenneth.
And if you're worried about how to do it, here.
Watch this.
Mm! Mm! [GASPS.]
Should be something there you can use.
W-W-W-Where are you going, girl? I-I think you just changed our dynamic.
Honey? So it's fine.
We can slow things How was it? Be honest.
I have notes.
Yes! I love notes! Hold up! Stop what you're doing.
Who's bothering JJ? No? Oh, good.
Must have been quite a boring evening.
Do you want me to get you off the sofa? This guy's advice is gonna change your life.
- He is so deep.
- Really? - Hi.
- Hey.
Well, then, let's find Dylan.
I'm here, Mom.
Pepper rescued me.
From the pride I wore like armor.
That's gonna keep him busy for a while.
- What about Ray? - Oh, I'm fine.
I've just got to use my tongue a little less.
Now we just need to find JJ.
And if he's good, then they're all good.
Jimmy, we did him first.
Well, I forgot! Mom, we're all fine.
You are.
Yeah, you figured it all out yourselves.
[LAUGHS.]
Do you know what? We do deserve to relax.
Maybe let go a little bit.
I mean, not you.
You've let go quite enough.
But I can.
And starting now, I'm gonna try.
Not until we find Ray.
Ray! Is everyone ready? Here it comes.
- ALL: Ten! Nine! Eight! - JIMMY: Eleven! Twelve! - Other way! - Seven! Six! I don't know what we're doing.
Five! Four! Three! Too cool to count down? That's so hot.
- Two! One! - Happy New Year! [ALL CHEERING.]
Better? I think so.
Try again.
That's not what I want.
[LAUGHS.]
[CELLPHONE BUZZES.]
Did you text your Mom to come and pick us up? 'Cause she's on her way to the airport.
Oh! Joyce, where are you? People and dogs are kissing.
- [LAUGHS.]
- You messed me up good, girl.