Still Game (2002) s01e06 Episode Script
Scones
1 Is this the one where John Wayne goes to find Natalie Wood? No.
That's The Searchers.
She drowned, you know.
What? She drowned, I'm saying.
In this? In real life.
Every bloody week! She was married to him oot o' Hart To Hart.
Cannae mind his name.
Was it Sterling Hayden? No, he didnae pay his taxes.
Like Joseph Locke.
Ken Dodd was the same.
It's no' right, you know.
Was it Dana Andrews who was in Hart To Hart? Oh, Jesus! Keep your voices doon, eh? We're here to watch a picture! So are we! Was it Robert Stack? No, he was Eliot Ness.
Oh, that's gonnae annoy me! SHHH! SHHH! Here.
Ham and mustard without butter.
There's butter on this.
I'm sure I put them on the bottom.
There's butter on this and you know I DON'T TAKE BUTTER! I know! That's no' right! I cannae see if these have got butter on them.
It's too dark.
Nae butter! Butter! All right? 'I'll never speak!' Jack - this is the bit with the hot poker! Sssss! 'I will not ask again.
' DRAMATIC MUSIC ROBERT WAGNER! Morning, earring lady - with your big hoops.
You hate the Thursday, don't ye? Pardon? On a Thursday when I come in for my pension.
I don't know what you're talking about.
It's written all over your face.
It's as if my pension was coming oot your ain purse.
You resent it.
You working and me getting free money.
That's ridiculous.
No.
Now, can I have my FREE money? I'm afraid your money's been stopped.
Ha-ha What? The DSS have suspended your payments pending an investigation.
Who's next? Don't "Who's next" me.
Gimme ma money! Step away from the window.
Now, if this is because I was offhand earlier, then I apologise.
But I've no got any money.
I need my money.
Speak to the DSS.
You're enjoying this, youCIRCUS FREAK! "You'll need to speak to the DSS!" I'm sorry GIE ME MA MONEY! Sorry.
No.
You're lucky that glass is there! If it wisnae, I'd pull they hoops oot your lugs like the shower scene fae Psycho! Right Jack.
Let me handle this.
What's your name, son? Simon.
It's normally Peter we deal with.
We swapped shifts.
Oh, there you are, then.
We'd like a refund for the 12pm showing of Rio Bravo.
I'm sorry? There was a silly old bastard Jack, please.
Our viewing pleasure was interrupted, during said matinee, by a loud, deef old bastard.
So Gie us our money back.
I'm afraid I cannae do that.
How? Jack, please How? It's not our policy.
You can go to another screening.
What's showing? Em Gigi A La Boucherie.
What's that? It's French.
Is there any Red Indians in it? No.
Is John Wayne in it? No.
Gie us wur money back.
I cannae.
Peter would have gied us wur money back.
I'm no' Peter! No, you're Simon, eh? Stupid, smelly, spotty, speccy Simonwith boils on your back! Aye.
Simonthe prick.
Gie us our money back, or I'll burst every one o' thae boils on your back! Aye! Youprick! There! Now, piss off! Thanking you.
Simon, what cowboy movies are on next week? THEY GRUMBLE Tam.
Hello.
Where are you going? I'm a regular here.
You don't even like the movies.
I do when they're fornothing.
What's that? A platinum pass.
They ran a competition and I won it.
Jammy bastard! Jammy nothing.
This wisnae some stupid draw.
You had to compose the winning entry.
Describe, in 12 words or less, why you love the GFT.
"The only flicks I want to see are shown at the GFT.
" Oh, that's good, eh? Very good, that.
So you see free films for a year? Uh-huh.
And a complimentary soft drink - Coca-cola, Irn Bru, Fanta.
Your choice of hot dogs, nachos And get this - the knockout punch - a family-sized bag of Maltesers or Revels! Ooh! Ooheh Well done, Tam.
Aye, aye See you! Well done.
Enjoy the show, Tam! Have a nice time, Tam.
Smug prick! I've aye hated that bastard.
Of all the tight-fisted arseholes to get a freebie! I've never been one for competitions.
He is.
We should dae that, Jack.
It's hardly Burns.
"The only flicks I want to see" I reckon I could top that.
"Join us at the GFT.
"Run by a prick who's spotty and speccee.
" Speccy? Speccee? You need to work on that.
Here we are.
Just the ticket.
Right.
Aw, Richard You look lovely.
Cup of tea, cream cracker and cheese, Richard and my wee doodah.
Right! DOORBELL Blast! You're off the hook.
I'll be back for you! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Isa? Isa? Are you all right? Aye Is it really you? Aye, hen.
It's me.
I've come hame! Oh, Harry! Five o'clock and Hey Doctor's the ootsider.
Where the hell were you? Eh? This morning at the pictures? Rio Bravo, sure.
Och, I've mair to annoy me.
Daft pictures! Ohright.
Who are you backing, Winston? Sleight Of Hand.
Sleight Of Hand Jesus! That's 50-1! So? So, you've never backed a 50-1 in your puff! I'm feeling lucky.
That horse'll go like the wind.
It should.
Noo that it's no' pullin' a rag-and-bone cart! Are ye aff yer nut? That there's glue wi' a jaicket on it! I'm having Victor's Hope - 4-1, Stevie.
Donkey! Fast Forward's your baby.
Even money.
That's worth 50 bob.
Oh, it's yersel'.
Enjoy the movie? It was smashing, Jack.
There, Stevie - just under the wire.
Oh! 'And it's a beautiful day at Aintree as they get under way.
'The going is perfect for this race.
'Everyone said Sleight Of Hand would need some sleight of hand to catch up! 'Victor's Hope just starting to nose out' Running well.
'Fast Forward following.
Bringing up the rear, Sleight Of Hand.
' Ho-ho! Sleight Of Hand 'When he took the Championship back in I can't remember.
'Only two horses in it now.
Victor's Hope' Come on, Victor's Hope! 'Plenty of life in her ' Still strong, Fast Forward.
'The whip's out' Come on, Fast Forward! 'Victor's Hope and Fast Forward neck and neck' Jesus! 'Sleight Of Hand trying to get in' Come on! 'Sleight Of Hand is down! So is Fast Forward!' Oh! 'Coffee House takes it! 'Good news, though - Fast Forward and Victor's Hope are both up.
'But bad news for Sleight Of Hand.
Really bad news for the old-timer.
' GUNSHO Piss off! I backed the thing, I don't own it.
Can I get anyone a tea or coffee? You dirty, jammy bastard! Was that with you? £5, 10-1.
Sweet as a nut! He's got a horseshoe up his arse.
I don't mind him havin' a bit of luck, but he's a smug bastard.
C'mon for a pint.
Want a pint? Winston? What's up wi' him? Are you going for a pint with your winnings? I'd like to help you out, but I've got another winning entry to do.
Is that all you dae? Coming up wi' limericks for competitions? You like this watch, Victor? It's lovely.
Why? One of only 25 given away.
The question? 20 words or less - "Why wear a Timex?" My answer? Ahem! "Time is precious, with chances sometimes missed.
"Never lose a moment.
Wear a Timex on your wrist.
" Ooh! Very nice indeed, Tam.
Deserving of a watch! What's the next thing you're trying to win? 52 weekend breaks, coastal hotels.
Quite the pretty package, eh? What product have you got to bum up, Tam? I'd tell ye, but then you'd be competition to me.
Good night! Good night! Would you no' love a wee break? I would.
I need to buy mair scones.
Nehi.
Tam bought the last of them for the competition.
Maikhu? I don't know.
Maikhu? Just because, Meena.
Nehi! This conversation is crushing my soul.
Order mair scones, gonnae? Hello, Isa.
Hello, Navid.
Pack of links, please.
You don't eat them.
They give you the heartburn.
They're for ma man.
Your man? Harry? He's back? Aye.
Showed up this morning.
Six years he's been gone.
Then, boof! He's at the door.
Boof? I hate boof.
Going along nicely, minding your ain business, thenboof! Aye.
Are you sure you know what you're doing? Think so.
Hi, Isa.
Hello, Isa.
What's up wi' her? Her man's back.
Eh? That bastard? What's he wantin'? Mair money? He left her potless! Poor soul.
She's a daft cow if she's takin' him back! Hey! It's hard for a woman to go through her life alone.
Have you got any stuff wi' competitions on it? Prizes? Aye, scones.
But Tam's got them all.
Why? To increase his chances.
It's a multiple entry scenario.
Bastard! That's us sconeless? Naw, nip across to Singh's.
Since I renovated, I've been kicking his arse.
Throw him a bone.
Right you are.
Nice to be nice! Check the sell-by dates on his foosty pish! Right A year ago you had a knee injury.
Yes.
It was like a watermelon.
And you attended the Royal Infirmary? Good people working in shite conditions.
When you attended the hospital, you qualified for invalidity.
However they gave you the all-clear six months ago? Uh-huh.
And yet, you continued to claim? So, we've stopped your money until such times as we recoup the overpayments.
What? We've stopped your money, Mr Ingram.
Youlousy! Stopped ma! You're enjoying this, aren't ye? It's nice to have you back, Harry.
It's nice to BE back, Isa.
What are you smiling for? Everybody calls ME the gossip.
We'll be the talk o' the steamie the day - you and me.
"Isa's man's back.
Oot the blue?" Where HAVE ye been, Harry? You're entitled to ask me that, Isa.
I've robbed you of six years.
I really feel that, Isa.
I really do.
I've been down every road and highway.
I'll tell you, sweetheart, all roads lead back to here.
Any mair bacon? It's an absolute disgrace! It's a police state! There's some poor old bugger getting bodily flung oot of the DSS.
INAUDIBLE SHOUTING Some dodgy bastard at the rob.
Claiming money they're no' entitled tae.
Scones, scones What do they mean to you, Jack? 15 words or less, mind.
Hmm "Scones are quite the big favourite of mine, "both raisin and plain.
When I nick to the shops" 15 words! That's the Gettysburg Address! Aye It's got to be short and sweet.
It's got to be dripping wi' cleverness.
"Would you like a scone? I don't mind if I dae.
" Naw That's no' reallyemgood.
What aboot - "Where's ma scone? Where's ma scone? Here it is.
Next to the phone.
" Oh! Did you leave it by the phone? Naw, I'm trying to rhyme phone and scone.
Oh No.
Naw.
It's coming! I've got it! "Sconeo, oh Sconeo" Oh! Nice touch - Italian! "Sconeo, oh Sconeo, I wish that you were mine "Lying on a tea plate, covered in margar-ine.
" Naw "Scones, they are quite smashing They also are delicious "I keep them in the cupboard Right beside the dishes.
" Jesus, Jack! What? Naebody cares where you keep yer scones! It's personal.
It's got to be about how good scones are.
I said they were smashing.
"And really quite delicious!" I'm fed up with this! Oh! "A scone and tea at half-past three, makes the day a little brighter.
"Keep your cakes and fancy tarts BOTH: "Stick them up yer shiter!" Pub.
Eleven pence.
Jesus! Right, a wee bit of order here.
Shh! Shh! Right.
It's just a gift I have.
Ma faither was quite the wordsmith.
"Ahh, Bisto!" That was one of his.
You can come up with fancy phrases for anything? Products and such.
"The car in front's a Toyota.
" That was Saatchi and Saatchi.
They stole it aff me! THEY MUMBLE It was my competition entry.
Can you imagine me - auld Tam - up against them and their lawyers? Trying to prove it? Naw It was pure David and Goliath.
Bastards! Gie us one for a lighter.
- Aw No.
- Come on! Aye, all right.
"Fire - man's oldest flame.
" ALL: Whoa! Yes! Hey - tea.
"One good urn deserves another.
" A chocolate bar.
Type? Toblerone.
"Swiss bliss!" ALL: Woo! Bunnets! "Hat-isfaction guaranteed!" Tam.
LOUD CHATTER What's all the bloody noise? Tam.
Geniusbloody genius.
Victor, Jack.
Tam.
Tam.
I hear you're gunning for me in the scone competition.
Yes.
Have you got your winning phrase? Time's marching on.
Nearly.
Good.
Do you want to run it by me and I'll score it oot of ten? We'll know who's won next week.
Oh, Jesus! I'll get them in, sweetheart.
Lovely.
Isa, could you? Oh.
There you are.
Jack, Victor.
Harry.
Harry.
Did you run oot o' money? Did she turf ye oot? We're just in for a drink.
You broke that woman's heart.
We'll no' let you dae it twice.
How? You'll have us to deal wi'.
You two old duffers? No, the lot of us.
Let's keep it friendly, lads.
Isa's happy.
That's all that matters, eh? Phone the polis - it's Lord Lucan! Shergar's parked ootside! That's enough, Winston.
You shouldnae be serving him! Isa, have you lost your marbles, takin' him on again? Victor and I have dealt wi' him.
How's he no' got two black eyes? Prick! Right, you - pie and beans and a hauf o' lager.
£1.
80.
BOTTLES RATTLE Nine gingies.
For God's sake! A packet of dry roasted.
Piss aff! I don't take gingies.
You sell ginger.
Aye, in cans.
Oot.
Winstonlet us.
No, thank you.
It's a principle.
Get they gingies took! Get tae! GLASS SMASHES Jammy bastard! How did he win? Wi' one word.
"S'gone.
" I don't even know what that means.
He's wolfed it! Therefore, it's away S'gone.
It's no' there.
S'gone! Oh, aye Very clever.
What an arsehole.
Sometimes less is more.
You were bettered by a superior catchphrase - simple and elegant.
That's no better than oors, Navid.
Remind me.
"Sconnae no' dae that?" Oh, dear Christ, no! That is SO yesterday.
Are you buying this paper? It's shite - all adverts.
Winston was in.
Aye? Aye, asking for tick.
And? He received the stock reply.
Do not ask for credit.
A boot in the tea towel holder often offends.
He left with nothing? No, I let him have a tin of cat food.
He doesnae have a cat! I cannae believe it's come to this.
Oh, well Here goes.
Eight out of ten pensioners prefer it.
DOORBELL Lads We've come at a bad time, have we? Eh No.
I was just aboot to sit doon to some lunch.
And what are you daein' after? Gonnae leap up on the sideboard and lick yer balls? Eh? We know aboot the cat food.
If you wanted a dig oot, you should have come and asked us! A man must live within his means.
Have you any idea what's IN cat food? Aye Liver and marrow and £500! Oot a tin an' aw! Well, that was fantastic, eh? 500 quid.
Ho-ho! You can buy yourself a new litter tray and a wee football! A wee scratching post.
Or one o' thae wee diamond collars.
A wee name tag, Jack - "Winston.
" Shut up! I'll buy youse yer lunch.
Oh, look at that! That's funny, isn't it? Now, that IS clever.
"S'gone!" See, it's so tasty, it's away.
Who is it that comes up wi' that stuff? That's put me in the mind for one.
I'm gonnae have one for my lunch.
SHE CRIES Isa? What's the matter? I came in here for a spot of lunch wi' Harry Where is he, hen? He went to the loo aboot hauf an hour ago.
I just checked there.
He must've snuck oot.
Ma purse is away.
That bastard! You can hardly be surprised, can ye? No I suppose not.
You want to sit wi' us for a wee while? Aye That would be lovely, Jack.
Plenty mair fish in the sea, eh? Aye.
Plenty mair fish in the sea! What do you make o' that prick, eh? Running into the lavvy, stealing her bloody purse? I know.
Useless deadbeat.
Aye.
A waste of Help! Gie us a haund! Harry? Is that you? Gie us a dig oot? Ayeeh Nae bother, Harry.
We'll gie ye a wee shove.
Aye We'll gie ye a push, Harry.
SQUELCH Aaaaaaaaaaagh!
That's The Searchers.
She drowned, you know.
What? She drowned, I'm saying.
In this? In real life.
Every bloody week! She was married to him oot o' Hart To Hart.
Cannae mind his name.
Was it Sterling Hayden? No, he didnae pay his taxes.
Like Joseph Locke.
Ken Dodd was the same.
It's no' right, you know.
Was it Dana Andrews who was in Hart To Hart? Oh, Jesus! Keep your voices doon, eh? We're here to watch a picture! So are we! Was it Robert Stack? No, he was Eliot Ness.
Oh, that's gonnae annoy me! SHHH! SHHH! Here.
Ham and mustard without butter.
There's butter on this.
I'm sure I put them on the bottom.
There's butter on this and you know I DON'T TAKE BUTTER! I know! That's no' right! I cannae see if these have got butter on them.
It's too dark.
Nae butter! Butter! All right? 'I'll never speak!' Jack - this is the bit with the hot poker! Sssss! 'I will not ask again.
' DRAMATIC MUSIC ROBERT WAGNER! Morning, earring lady - with your big hoops.
You hate the Thursday, don't ye? Pardon? On a Thursday when I come in for my pension.
I don't know what you're talking about.
It's written all over your face.
It's as if my pension was coming oot your ain purse.
You resent it.
You working and me getting free money.
That's ridiculous.
No.
Now, can I have my FREE money? I'm afraid your money's been stopped.
Ha-ha What? The DSS have suspended your payments pending an investigation.
Who's next? Don't "Who's next" me.
Gimme ma money! Step away from the window.
Now, if this is because I was offhand earlier, then I apologise.
But I've no got any money.
I need my money.
Speak to the DSS.
You're enjoying this, youCIRCUS FREAK! "You'll need to speak to the DSS!" I'm sorry GIE ME MA MONEY! Sorry.
No.
You're lucky that glass is there! If it wisnae, I'd pull they hoops oot your lugs like the shower scene fae Psycho! Right Jack.
Let me handle this.
What's your name, son? Simon.
It's normally Peter we deal with.
We swapped shifts.
Oh, there you are, then.
We'd like a refund for the 12pm showing of Rio Bravo.
I'm sorry? There was a silly old bastard Jack, please.
Our viewing pleasure was interrupted, during said matinee, by a loud, deef old bastard.
So Gie us our money back.
I'm afraid I cannae do that.
How? Jack, please How? It's not our policy.
You can go to another screening.
What's showing? Em Gigi A La Boucherie.
What's that? It's French.
Is there any Red Indians in it? No.
Is John Wayne in it? No.
Gie us wur money back.
I cannae.
Peter would have gied us wur money back.
I'm no' Peter! No, you're Simon, eh? Stupid, smelly, spotty, speccy Simonwith boils on your back! Aye.
Simonthe prick.
Gie us our money back, or I'll burst every one o' thae boils on your back! Aye! Youprick! There! Now, piss off! Thanking you.
Simon, what cowboy movies are on next week? THEY GRUMBLE Tam.
Hello.
Where are you going? I'm a regular here.
You don't even like the movies.
I do when they're fornothing.
What's that? A platinum pass.
They ran a competition and I won it.
Jammy bastard! Jammy nothing.
This wisnae some stupid draw.
You had to compose the winning entry.
Describe, in 12 words or less, why you love the GFT.
"The only flicks I want to see are shown at the GFT.
" Oh, that's good, eh? Very good, that.
So you see free films for a year? Uh-huh.
And a complimentary soft drink - Coca-cola, Irn Bru, Fanta.
Your choice of hot dogs, nachos And get this - the knockout punch - a family-sized bag of Maltesers or Revels! Ooh! Ooheh Well done, Tam.
Aye, aye See you! Well done.
Enjoy the show, Tam! Have a nice time, Tam.
Smug prick! I've aye hated that bastard.
Of all the tight-fisted arseholes to get a freebie! I've never been one for competitions.
He is.
We should dae that, Jack.
It's hardly Burns.
"The only flicks I want to see" I reckon I could top that.
"Join us at the GFT.
"Run by a prick who's spotty and speccee.
" Speccy? Speccee? You need to work on that.
Here we are.
Just the ticket.
Right.
Aw, Richard You look lovely.
Cup of tea, cream cracker and cheese, Richard and my wee doodah.
Right! DOORBELL Blast! You're off the hook.
I'll be back for you! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Isa? Isa? Are you all right? Aye Is it really you? Aye, hen.
It's me.
I've come hame! Oh, Harry! Five o'clock and Hey Doctor's the ootsider.
Where the hell were you? Eh? This morning at the pictures? Rio Bravo, sure.
Och, I've mair to annoy me.
Daft pictures! Ohright.
Who are you backing, Winston? Sleight Of Hand.
Sleight Of Hand Jesus! That's 50-1! So? So, you've never backed a 50-1 in your puff! I'm feeling lucky.
That horse'll go like the wind.
It should.
Noo that it's no' pullin' a rag-and-bone cart! Are ye aff yer nut? That there's glue wi' a jaicket on it! I'm having Victor's Hope - 4-1, Stevie.
Donkey! Fast Forward's your baby.
Even money.
That's worth 50 bob.
Oh, it's yersel'.
Enjoy the movie? It was smashing, Jack.
There, Stevie - just under the wire.
Oh! 'And it's a beautiful day at Aintree as they get under way.
'The going is perfect for this race.
'Everyone said Sleight Of Hand would need some sleight of hand to catch up! 'Victor's Hope just starting to nose out' Running well.
'Fast Forward following.
Bringing up the rear, Sleight Of Hand.
' Ho-ho! Sleight Of Hand 'When he took the Championship back in I can't remember.
'Only two horses in it now.
Victor's Hope' Come on, Victor's Hope! 'Plenty of life in her ' Still strong, Fast Forward.
'The whip's out' Come on, Fast Forward! 'Victor's Hope and Fast Forward neck and neck' Jesus! 'Sleight Of Hand trying to get in' Come on! 'Sleight Of Hand is down! So is Fast Forward!' Oh! 'Coffee House takes it! 'Good news, though - Fast Forward and Victor's Hope are both up.
'But bad news for Sleight Of Hand.
Really bad news for the old-timer.
' GUNSHO Piss off! I backed the thing, I don't own it.
Can I get anyone a tea or coffee? You dirty, jammy bastard! Was that with you? £5, 10-1.
Sweet as a nut! He's got a horseshoe up his arse.
I don't mind him havin' a bit of luck, but he's a smug bastard.
C'mon for a pint.
Want a pint? Winston? What's up wi' him? Are you going for a pint with your winnings? I'd like to help you out, but I've got another winning entry to do.
Is that all you dae? Coming up wi' limericks for competitions? You like this watch, Victor? It's lovely.
Why? One of only 25 given away.
The question? 20 words or less - "Why wear a Timex?" My answer? Ahem! "Time is precious, with chances sometimes missed.
"Never lose a moment.
Wear a Timex on your wrist.
" Ooh! Very nice indeed, Tam.
Deserving of a watch! What's the next thing you're trying to win? 52 weekend breaks, coastal hotels.
Quite the pretty package, eh? What product have you got to bum up, Tam? I'd tell ye, but then you'd be competition to me.
Good night! Good night! Would you no' love a wee break? I would.
I need to buy mair scones.
Nehi.
Tam bought the last of them for the competition.
Maikhu? I don't know.
Maikhu? Just because, Meena.
Nehi! This conversation is crushing my soul.
Order mair scones, gonnae? Hello, Isa.
Hello, Navid.
Pack of links, please.
You don't eat them.
They give you the heartburn.
They're for ma man.
Your man? Harry? He's back? Aye.
Showed up this morning.
Six years he's been gone.
Then, boof! He's at the door.
Boof? I hate boof.
Going along nicely, minding your ain business, thenboof! Aye.
Are you sure you know what you're doing? Think so.
Hi, Isa.
Hello, Isa.
What's up wi' her? Her man's back.
Eh? That bastard? What's he wantin'? Mair money? He left her potless! Poor soul.
She's a daft cow if she's takin' him back! Hey! It's hard for a woman to go through her life alone.
Have you got any stuff wi' competitions on it? Prizes? Aye, scones.
But Tam's got them all.
Why? To increase his chances.
It's a multiple entry scenario.
Bastard! That's us sconeless? Naw, nip across to Singh's.
Since I renovated, I've been kicking his arse.
Throw him a bone.
Right you are.
Nice to be nice! Check the sell-by dates on his foosty pish! Right A year ago you had a knee injury.
Yes.
It was like a watermelon.
And you attended the Royal Infirmary? Good people working in shite conditions.
When you attended the hospital, you qualified for invalidity.
However they gave you the all-clear six months ago? Uh-huh.
And yet, you continued to claim? So, we've stopped your money until such times as we recoup the overpayments.
What? We've stopped your money, Mr Ingram.
Youlousy! Stopped ma! You're enjoying this, aren't ye? It's nice to have you back, Harry.
It's nice to BE back, Isa.
What are you smiling for? Everybody calls ME the gossip.
We'll be the talk o' the steamie the day - you and me.
"Isa's man's back.
Oot the blue?" Where HAVE ye been, Harry? You're entitled to ask me that, Isa.
I've robbed you of six years.
I really feel that, Isa.
I really do.
I've been down every road and highway.
I'll tell you, sweetheart, all roads lead back to here.
Any mair bacon? It's an absolute disgrace! It's a police state! There's some poor old bugger getting bodily flung oot of the DSS.
INAUDIBLE SHOUTING Some dodgy bastard at the rob.
Claiming money they're no' entitled tae.
Scones, scones What do they mean to you, Jack? 15 words or less, mind.
Hmm "Scones are quite the big favourite of mine, "both raisin and plain.
When I nick to the shops" 15 words! That's the Gettysburg Address! Aye It's got to be short and sweet.
It's got to be dripping wi' cleverness.
"Would you like a scone? I don't mind if I dae.
" Naw That's no' reallyemgood.
What aboot - "Where's ma scone? Where's ma scone? Here it is.
Next to the phone.
" Oh! Did you leave it by the phone? Naw, I'm trying to rhyme phone and scone.
Oh No.
Naw.
It's coming! I've got it! "Sconeo, oh Sconeo" Oh! Nice touch - Italian! "Sconeo, oh Sconeo, I wish that you were mine "Lying on a tea plate, covered in margar-ine.
" Naw "Scones, they are quite smashing They also are delicious "I keep them in the cupboard Right beside the dishes.
" Jesus, Jack! What? Naebody cares where you keep yer scones! It's personal.
It's got to be about how good scones are.
I said they were smashing.
"And really quite delicious!" I'm fed up with this! Oh! "A scone and tea at half-past three, makes the day a little brighter.
"Keep your cakes and fancy tarts BOTH: "Stick them up yer shiter!" Pub.
Eleven pence.
Jesus! Right, a wee bit of order here.
Shh! Shh! Right.
It's just a gift I have.
Ma faither was quite the wordsmith.
"Ahh, Bisto!" That was one of his.
You can come up with fancy phrases for anything? Products and such.
"The car in front's a Toyota.
" That was Saatchi and Saatchi.
They stole it aff me! THEY MUMBLE It was my competition entry.
Can you imagine me - auld Tam - up against them and their lawyers? Trying to prove it? Naw It was pure David and Goliath.
Bastards! Gie us one for a lighter.
- Aw No.
- Come on! Aye, all right.
"Fire - man's oldest flame.
" ALL: Whoa! Yes! Hey - tea.
"One good urn deserves another.
" A chocolate bar.
Type? Toblerone.
"Swiss bliss!" ALL: Woo! Bunnets! "Hat-isfaction guaranteed!" Tam.
LOUD CHATTER What's all the bloody noise? Tam.
Geniusbloody genius.
Victor, Jack.
Tam.
Tam.
I hear you're gunning for me in the scone competition.
Yes.
Have you got your winning phrase? Time's marching on.
Nearly.
Good.
Do you want to run it by me and I'll score it oot of ten? We'll know who's won next week.
Oh, Jesus! I'll get them in, sweetheart.
Lovely.
Isa, could you? Oh.
There you are.
Jack, Victor.
Harry.
Harry.
Did you run oot o' money? Did she turf ye oot? We're just in for a drink.
You broke that woman's heart.
We'll no' let you dae it twice.
How? You'll have us to deal wi'.
You two old duffers? No, the lot of us.
Let's keep it friendly, lads.
Isa's happy.
That's all that matters, eh? Phone the polis - it's Lord Lucan! Shergar's parked ootside! That's enough, Winston.
You shouldnae be serving him! Isa, have you lost your marbles, takin' him on again? Victor and I have dealt wi' him.
How's he no' got two black eyes? Prick! Right, you - pie and beans and a hauf o' lager.
£1.
80.
BOTTLES RATTLE Nine gingies.
For God's sake! A packet of dry roasted.
Piss aff! I don't take gingies.
You sell ginger.
Aye, in cans.
Oot.
Winstonlet us.
No, thank you.
It's a principle.
Get they gingies took! Get tae! GLASS SMASHES Jammy bastard! How did he win? Wi' one word.
"S'gone.
" I don't even know what that means.
He's wolfed it! Therefore, it's away S'gone.
It's no' there.
S'gone! Oh, aye Very clever.
What an arsehole.
Sometimes less is more.
You were bettered by a superior catchphrase - simple and elegant.
That's no better than oors, Navid.
Remind me.
"Sconnae no' dae that?" Oh, dear Christ, no! That is SO yesterday.
Are you buying this paper? It's shite - all adverts.
Winston was in.
Aye? Aye, asking for tick.
And? He received the stock reply.
Do not ask for credit.
A boot in the tea towel holder often offends.
He left with nothing? No, I let him have a tin of cat food.
He doesnae have a cat! I cannae believe it's come to this.
Oh, well Here goes.
Eight out of ten pensioners prefer it.
DOORBELL Lads We've come at a bad time, have we? Eh No.
I was just aboot to sit doon to some lunch.
And what are you daein' after? Gonnae leap up on the sideboard and lick yer balls? Eh? We know aboot the cat food.
If you wanted a dig oot, you should have come and asked us! A man must live within his means.
Have you any idea what's IN cat food? Aye Liver and marrow and £500! Oot a tin an' aw! Well, that was fantastic, eh? 500 quid.
Ho-ho! You can buy yourself a new litter tray and a wee football! A wee scratching post.
Or one o' thae wee diamond collars.
A wee name tag, Jack - "Winston.
" Shut up! I'll buy youse yer lunch.
Oh, look at that! That's funny, isn't it? Now, that IS clever.
"S'gone!" See, it's so tasty, it's away.
Who is it that comes up wi' that stuff? That's put me in the mind for one.
I'm gonnae have one for my lunch.
SHE CRIES Isa? What's the matter? I came in here for a spot of lunch wi' Harry Where is he, hen? He went to the loo aboot hauf an hour ago.
I just checked there.
He must've snuck oot.
Ma purse is away.
That bastard! You can hardly be surprised, can ye? No I suppose not.
You want to sit wi' us for a wee while? Aye That would be lovely, Jack.
Plenty mair fish in the sea, eh? Aye.
Plenty mair fish in the sea! What do you make o' that prick, eh? Running into the lavvy, stealing her bloody purse? I know.
Useless deadbeat.
Aye.
A waste of Help! Gie us a haund! Harry? Is that you? Gie us a dig oot? Ayeeh Nae bother, Harry.
We'll gie ye a wee shove.
Aye We'll gie ye a push, Harry.
SQUELCH Aaaaaaaaaaagh!