Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
How many of you guys have been watching Studio 60 since high school? How many since junior high? How many since the show went on the air in 1986? Okay, this is the real thing, it's our 20th season and we're very proud of that.
All right, now.
You can see we use the whole theater for the show.
We have sets tucked into the walls along the sides.
If there's something that you can't see it'll be up on these two big-screen TVs.
And if there's something you still can't see ha, we really can't help you.
Okay, okay, I'm sure you guys, you know how this works.
We start with a cold open and then we smash into our VTR or video tape recording, also known as our main titles.
And over the VTR, our own Herb Sheldon says: Live, from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
It's Friday night in Hollywood.
Not yet.
Don't waste it.
We're gonna have a great show.
From the ABC smash hit Desperate Housewives: Felicity Huffman is here tonight.
Three 6 Mafia out here.
Tell those guys we can hear them.
All right, Willy.
Take us to the starting line, baby.
Let's keep this rational.
You have to have rationality here because this conversation Excuse me.
- I want Jack Rudolph on the phone.
- Wes I don't know Jack's at a dinner.
- Disturb him.
- He pays me to make calls.
And Jack pays me to do this show, you ridiculous fatass.
What is your name? - Suzanne.
- Pick up that phone, dial 06.
Tell my secretary I want the chairman of NBS.
- Yes, sir.
- Stay where you are.
I'm trying to save us all a lot of tsuris.
Jerry, this sketch is funny.
It killed at dress.
Funny is in short supply here lately.
I'm in charge of Broadcast Standards and Practices.
- I'm not in charge of funny.
- Who's it gonna offend? - Just give me the names.
- Religious people.
God, Wes, and you knew that when you What do you want me to say to the people who'll go out of their minds as soon as it airs? You can tell them that we average nine million households.
That's 41 million who are full of crap.
Tell them, living where there's free speech means sometimes, you get offended.
- Cut the sketch.
- What am I gonna replace it with? Whatever.
Peripheral Vision Man is ready.
Peripheral Vision Man is not funny.
It's never been funny.
- I know.
I wanna talk to Jordan McDeere.
You can't.
- She's at the dinner party too? - Yes, she is.
It's the same dinner party.
It's a dinner party for Jordan McDeere.
You don't have a lot of time.
What happens if I say no? What if I go on air with the sketch? - I'm not gonna answer that.
- Why not? Because if you still had the muscle to do it, you wouldn't have asked.
Tell the control room we're cutting 4A and filling it with Peripheral Vision Man.
Thank you.
Studio 60, this is Broadcast Center you're up on router two, have a good show.
- Thank you.
Two minutes.
Call in.
- We're blowing off four-A.
- You're kidding.
- It killed at dress.
It was smart.
- Never had a chance.
What we filling with? - Peripheral Vision Man.
Ricky and Ron gonna keep writing that till somebody laughs? - What's the time on four-A? - 4:10.
- What's the time on Peripheral Vision Man? - 3:45.
Tell the writers they're gonna have to stretch it 25 seconds.
Making it longer was the missing ingredient in making it funny.
- Stand by, we've got a change at four-A.
- Ninety seconds live.
Good show.
"Which isn't how we'd do it on Wisteria Lane.
We'd invite the suspect over to our book club.
" I was told there were gonna change.
Are these the newest cards? - We just copied them down.
JODl: Felicity? Decision time.
Are we going with the slutty dress or the very slutty dress? Oh, could you hang on just a second? Thanks.
- Wes? Wes.
- Yeah? - Hey.
- Hey, you look great.
I'm not dressed yet, but I wanted to ask you about the Desperate Housewives run in the monologue? I'll do what you want.
But I thought we decided it wasn't working which is what the rehearsal audience confirmed, deciding that I apologize.
I really do.
I, uh We weren't able to get to it.
- Oh, are you all right? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry I wasn't able to spend that much time with you this week.
You're in a class by yourself, Felicity.
Knock them dead.
Wes? Is there anything you can tell me that will make me feel better about the monologue? Your instincts aren't wrong.
It's not funny.
Come on, babe.
Just tell me what you need.
I need the very slutty dress and somebody else to wear it.
Twenty seconds.
Doug, frame that up? - I need to see the hand on Tom's shoulder.
The chair.
Dylan's hand.
His right hand.
Just frame it up.
- Fifteen seconds.
- Ready one.
- Last looks.
Good here.
We're live in eight, seven six, five, four My fellow Americans.
I'm here to speak to you tonight about a very serious subject.
My legacy.
Legacy is a 480 SAT word which, it turns out, does not mean a woman with nice legs.
As in "Paula Zahn, primo legacy.
" No, my friends, legacy means the impact one leaves behind.
Oh, stop this.
Stop this.
- Let's stop it, uh, Tom.
We can hear you.
All right, listen, fellas.
We're gonna stop it.
Did we lose the feed? No, we're live.
I'd like both of you to clear the stage.
I don't want anyone to think that you were part of this.
Clear the stage.
Go on.
Go on, go on.
Uh.
It's not gonna be a very good show tonight.
And I think you should change the channel.
What the hell? When did they put this in? Does anybody know what's going on? Or better yet, turn off the Tv, okay? No, no.
I know it seems like this is supposed to be funny but tomorrow, you're gonna find out that it wasn't and by that time, I'll have been fired.
No, this is not sup This is not a sketch.
- Uh, this is real.
You wanna go to VTR? This show used to be cutting edge political and social satire but it's gotten lobotomized by a candy-ass broadcast network hell-bent on doing nothing that might challenge their audience.
We were about to do a sketch that you've seen already about 500 times.
No one's gonna confuse George Bush with George Plimpton, now, we get it.
We're all being lobotomized by this country's most influential industry.
It's just thrown in the towel on any endeavor they do.
Anything that doesn't include the courting of 12-year-old boys.
Not even the smart 12-year-olds, the stupid ones, the idiots of which there are plenty, thanks to this network.
So why don't you just change the channel? Turn off the TV.
Do it right now, go ahead.
Get him off! - Get the camera off of him.
- And put it on what? Cut the boom mic.
- It's his show.
I take my instructions from him.
Between art and commerce.
There's a struggle between art and commerce.
Now, I'm telling you, art is getting its ass kicked.
And it's making us mean and it's making us bitchy.
It's making us cheap punks.
That's not who we are! Ha.
People are having contests to see how much they can be like Donald Trump? Are you bleeping this out? - He hasn't said anything not allowed.
- He's telling people to change the channel.
Don't worry about anybody changing the channel.
Get him off, or you don't have a job tomorrow.
I'm running a live broadcast.
Can you threaten me later? We're eating worms for money.
Who Wants to Screw My Sister? Guys are getting killed in a war that's got theme music and a logo? That remote is a crack pipe.
Oh, yeah.
Every once in a while, we pretend to be appalled.
I'm waiting for him to say something untrue.
- Who knows how to do this? - Don't talk to my control.
- Get him off.
- You got two kids in school.
You've got two kids in private school whose father's five seconds away from never working again.
Pornographers.
It's not even good pornography.
They're just this side of snuff films.
And that's what's next because that's all that's left.
Cal, come on.
And the two things that make them scared gutless are the FCC and every psycho-religious cult that gets horny at the very mention of a boycott.
- All right, stand by VTR.
- We're gonna cut in early.
- Prissy, feckless, off-the-charts greed-filled whorehouse.
There it is.
- This thoroughly unpatriotic - Go VTR, now.
If you'll give me your attention I'd like to offer a toast to Jordan McDeere.
Jordan, I've been reviewing your résumé.
Two years in Business Affairs at Atlantic Records two years as vice president in charge of production at United Artists: A company I was surprised to learn still existed.
Four years at NBC, where she saw to it that Jay Leno spanked David Letterman on a regular basis.
On to the news division you went in the CBS Morning Show where you took the program from a 16 to a 19 share and a 13 percent increase in the demo.
Well, Jack, I commend you for making such an astute hire.
Jordan, I welcome you to The Tunney Media Group.
And as the new president of the National Broadcasting System I ask only one thing of you: Unprecedented success.
Hear, hear.
Thank you very much, Mr.
White.
And thank you, Jack and Marylyn, for hosting this wonderful party.
I also wanted to thank the caterers, this - Oh, I didn't The food is - The woman said this was important.
Oh.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
It's from my assistant.
Something's happened at Studio 60.
Could I use your phone? - Yeah, sure, it's in the office.
- Can't be that big a deal.
Nothing bad's gonna happen on my first day, right? Yo, Academy Award winners Three 6 Mafia Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is going down, yeah.
What happened? - I cut a sketch and he went crazy.
Ugh, I need Shelley Green, I need Steve Cantor.
I need a tape, somebody play this thing back for me.
I need a room.
Excuse me, we're still in the middle of a show.
Ha, shut up.
- Who's using this room? In here.
- Three 6 Mafia, but they're on stage.
In here.
Oh, man, are you kidding me? You gotta let me fire the control room director.
Get rid of the bong and loose joints? - I'll grab the loose joints.
Look, we'll get to the director.
Uh We need it on half-inch, for the love of We work in television.
He left him on for 53 seconds before I gave a clear instruction to It's not gonna be a very good show tonight.
I think you should change the channel.
Change the channel, right now.
Where is he? - How are you? - Fine.
- Who are you? - I'm Jordan McDeere.
- I'm the new president of - Oh, yeah.
We met.
So how are you enjoying your first day? What was the sketch about? - What? - That got cut.
What was it about? We're meeting across the street in the 18th floor conference room in 30 minutes.
Jerry's in charge.
They'll deal with the opening 60 seconds for the West Coast delay.
- Wesley? - Yeah.
- You're fired.
No kidding.
Escort him off the property.
He doesn't talk to any press while he's on this property.
I'm sorry about all this.
In times like these, the world needs a superhero with a full 180-degree field of sight.
The world needs Peripheral Vision Man.
In a scene reminiscent of Paddy Chayefsky's classic film, Network Studio 60 Executive Producer Wes Mendell hijacked tonight's broadcast He was mad as hell and he wasn't gonna take it anymore.
The NBS flagship program Impression of Peter Finch's Oscar-winning performance in the 1977 film Network Disaster and embarrassment at NBS as tonight's broadcast of Studio 60 got off to a start that would've made Paddy Chayefsky smile.
- Believe this? - They've heard of Paddy Chayefsky.
- That's a step in the right direction.
- Sir, they're ready for you.
- That was a faux pas back there.
- Where? At the dinner party.
You don't compliment the caterer in front of the hostess.
I don't wanna start throwing my weight around.
But that's probably not gonna be a high priority tonight.
Shelley, muzzles on the cast, mouths shut.
Nobody talks until I say so.
- Howard, what's legal think? - Uh, they're looking at the tape.
Could be anything from the FCC to a class-action suit.
What about the news division? They're not gonna like the crack about having theme music and a logo for the war.
Advertiser relations? We're trying to get them on the phone, but it's not easy this late.
Same thing with the affiliates.
- The remark about worm-eating and Who Wants To Screw My Sister? - He was talking about our shows? - We don't know.
Is there something funny about this? God, Jack, there's like seven things funny about this.
We're not sure which show he was talking about? The FCC doesn't have us on anything and a lawsuit wouldn't pass the laugh test.
By the way, you can try, but you can't stop the cast from talking to the press.
- And certainly not the Big Three.
- The news division? The news division can kiss me, report the damn news.
The Big Three.
What does Detroit have to do with this? No, she's talking about Not the car companies.
She's talking about Harriet Hayes, Tom Jeter and Simon Stiles.
They're the leaders of the group.
Jordan, are you saying that we're overreacting to this hideous, humiliating and possibly actionable event that occurred on our air? No.
I'm saying you're dramatically underreacting to it.
- We don't care about any of this.
- What do we care about? - They're gonna say he was right.
- What? They're gonna say he was right.
Cable shows will have non-stop roundtables about how Hollywood's taking our national culture to hell.
And we just became the symbol of that.
I don't know who the bookers will get who'll be on our side.
People for the American Way will not show up to defend NBS's primetime schedule.
- When did there become two sides to this? - When you fired Wes.
You can't be suggesting This is what happened in the damn movie.
You can't suggest we give his show back.
- No.
He's done at this network.
- Then what are you suggesting? Let's talk in my office.
I don't know where my office is.
What are you suggesting? We need a new story.
And Studio 60 needs a new executive producer and head writer.
- I wanna hire Matt Albie and Danny Tripp.
No, no, no.
Yeah.
I have a history with those guys.
- I fired them.
I know the history.
People in Kansas know the history.
That's why it's a good story.
It's a big story and we get to control it.
We'll hire two people who hate your guts and we're You know - Because we're committed to quality.
Hiring Matt and Danny is a tacit admission of guilt and silent act of contrition.
- That's required.
- What am I guilty of? I could read you the charges, but we don't have that kind of time.
- You talk to your bosses at NBC like this? - Every day.
That's how I became president.
I hire these guys back, I'll look de-balled.
Don't need fingers on one hand to count people who care about your balls.
I got news for you, sister.
As long as I'm one of them, so are you.
They're exceptionally qualified.
It's a splashy choice.
- They're classy.
- Yeah.
- They are, and we need that.
You'll never get them to come back.
I will.
I'll get them.
How? You know something I don't know? Yeah, we're keeping it that way.
Even if you get them, pay them.
I'm gonna back up a Brink's truck.
- When you wanna do this? - Tonight.
I want all this done and together for a press conference Monday noon.
You're gonna get this all done on a Friday night? Yeah.
You got a thing for one of these guys? Or both of these guys? I don't know either one of them personally.
- Was that a question when you hired me? - You bet your ass it was.
I need to get started now.
I need to get to Matt and Danny.
- I wanna meet before hands are shaken.
- They're not gonna audition.
- We're gonna have a conversation.
- And what will you say? Whatever I damn well please.
You saw how fast I fired Wes Mendell? Screw this up, and I'll fire you faster.
I'm not like every other heterosexual male in show business, Jordan.
I don't find you charming.
And you've earned the loyalty of absolutely no one.
So you go ahead and take your first steps toward making us all classy again.
We've been waiting for you.
That's your office.
Whoa.
Sorry.
That was strange.
I'm sorry.
- You okay? Yeah.
I'm on medication right now that I guess makes me not know where chairs are.
- He means he's on back medication.
Yeah.
- Hm? - How'd you hurt your back? When a surgeon sliced it open with a knife.
- He had back surgery a few days ago.
- You're on Vicodin? I may have exceeded the recommended dosage.
Should you be out of bed this soon? I play with pain.
They haven't gotten to your category yet.
They're doing the awards between courses this year.
- Where's your wife? Next to her husband.
- I was just talking to you.
- Sure.
I'm on a little Vicodin and Percocet and a steroid called Nortisone.
The side effect of which is mania.
I swear to God, it said so on the bottle.
- You're here alone? - Ah, completely alone.
- They broke up.
- Oh, no.
Why? - He couldn't stop himself from speaking.
I was right, she was wrong.
- I'm all about the truth, partner.
- Just don't do it out loud.
That's fine.
Karen got invited to the Friday night wrap party.
- It might be a fun thing to do after.
- For Studio 60? I'm friends with Felicity.
She's guest-hosting tonight.
- No, no, no.
- Come on.
- You don't like Felicity? I like Felicity fine.
Just the woman I broke up with is a cast member and it'd be awkward if I went to the party and killed her in front of those people.
- Which one? - Harriet Hayes.
- What happened with you and Harriet? Because of the "Star-Spangled Banner.
" Why we broke up.
And what used to be called honesty.
What's the "Star-Spangled Banner" have to do with it? - She sang it before a Dodger game.
Who were they playing? St.
Louis.
Danny and I got back from London to do press for the movie an 11-hour flight with an eight-hour time difference so I didn't make it out to the stadium.
- And she got mad? - Yes, she certainly did.
- But that's not why we broke up.
Thank you.
The nominees tonight in the category of Best Original Screenplay If it wasn't because you weren't there, what did you do? I didn't do anything to her.
She said, "I was great, by the way, I got a standing ovation.
" I said very sincerely, "Harriet, I'm sure you were great.
But it was the national anthem, they were standing already.
" - Matty, why would you say that? - Because, first of all I was trying to make her laugh, which is nice.
Second, Roseanne Barr got a standing ovation when she sang the - To not say anything - Would've been patronizing.
- So you get it.
- No, no, no.
You blew it with Harriet Hayes.
- I'm the only sane person I know.
Yeah! Thanks, man.
I miss her.
I really do.
I'm dying inside and I appreciate your support.
- Matt? Go up on the stage now.
Why? - You just won.
- Really? Hey, that's great.
Hey, is he gonna be okay up there? Accepting awards in front of ballrooms full of people is the only place he is okay.
Danny.
- Yeah? You see our boy just won? I need to talk to you outside now.
We're gonna listen to this.
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
- I need to see tape.
Before I go any further, I want to acknowledge our director, Danny Tripp.
Whether it's on a set or at my desk, he's never not been there for me.
Would you move the follow-spot over to Danny on table 15? You see that there's nobody there too, right? Harriet, can we get a statement? What happened? Get her inside.
Right this way, Miss Hayes.
You had some trouble tonight, huh? A little adventure.
Stevie's in New York, but I'm in constant contact with him and we're all coordinating with Shelley at the network.
You're the one they wanna talk to because they hear about the sketch that got cut.
Wanna know if you thought it was offensive.
I'm not an expert on Christian people, Daphne.
Stevie says you don't wanna talk about your religion right now.
- Stevie doesn't have to convince me of that.
- Ketel martini rocks? - Thanks, Sandy.
- The boys are in the back room.
Thank you.
Tight show tonight.
- Yes.
What went on in the control room? We got word the sketch was cut, next thing I knew Wes was up on stage.
Standards blew into the room, and I waited There had to be a lot of confusion.
It's not like there are rules or procedures for this.
No, there are strict rules and procedures.
I just didn't follow any of them.
- What's Matt say? - What do you mean? - Have you talked to Matt? - We broke up.
That's right, I heard.
"Star-Spangled Banner"? No, it wasn't Oh.
It doesn't matter.
- I just wanted to see if you were all right.
- I'm fine.
I've been told to sit tight and wait for word and, you know Rock stars and cocktail waitresses.
There's worse places you can be told to wait.
Word on what? I faced off with Standards during a live broadcast, Harry.
The guys who've done that feel lucky when they can get a job directing Good Morning, El Paso.
We'll stick together.
I'm sorry about Matt.
I'm a big fan of his and I like him a lot.
- I'm a big fan of his and I hate his guts.
- It's Matt, he made a joke about It wasn't the Dodger game, and don't worry about it.
- I'll be saying a prayer for you.
- Thanks.
Has anybody seen Felicity Huffman? She was on the first train out soon as the good-nights were done.
We should send her a box of candy or something.
Yeah, that'll do the trick.
Harry.
I had to navigate 14 people asking me if I was offended by the sketch and if I'd spoken to Matt.
- Have you talked to Matt? - No.
Why didn't you ask me first if I was offended by the sketch? And second, no, I haven't talked Why would I? No.
And Matt's going to be the calming voice of wisdom? He and Danny are laughing their asses off.
- Gotta ask you something.
- What? - Lf it wasn't the "Star-Spangled Banner" - No, no, we are not talking about that.
In fact, if we can just not talk about Matt in any way ever again that would be fine.
First me, then the show.
Matt got a twofer.
It took four years, but the show collapsed without them.
You want some nice news on a bad night? Matt just won the Writers Guild Award.
Please let me watch you smoke a cigarette.
Hey, Harriet.
You pray before every show, right? So, what happened tonight? It did not work? - What? - Did you just not do it right? He's wasted.
I'm just asking.
You know what, Brook? When you start making a contribution to this show you can talk to me any way you want.
But you had two lines tonight and you stepped on one of them.
So until you either accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or make somebody laugh, why don't you talk to somebody else? Don't do that.
- Right? - Yes, sir.
Were you offended by the sketch? I was offended I wasn't in the sketch.
I thought the writing was of a level we hadn't had in years.
Frankly, I was surprised that Wes was capable of it.
Are we sure that Wes wrote it? - Well, it wasn't Ricky and Ron.
- You sure? Ricky and Ron suddenly able to write like that is like me suddenly being able to play the cello.
Hey, guys? Yeah.
You're being called back to the studio.
Who? - Everybody.
This is it.
I'll put you in the green room till we're ready.
- No, I think I'll wait out here for Danny.
- I'd really like you to come inside.
Except there may be somebody I don't wanna - What the hell is going on? - We'll explain inside.
Yeah, I'm gonna wait out here for Danny.
Wait with him.
And America's broadcasters have turned into pornographers.
He's here with me now.
- Not even good pornography.
- It's just this side of snuff films.
Okay, that's the door.
She's here.
That's what's next because that's what's left.
And the two things that make them scared gutless are the FCC and every psycho-religious cult that gets positively horny at the very mention of a boycott.
These are the people they're afraid of.
Well, there are gonna be some horny psycho-religious cults tonight.
I'm sorry, are we in your room? The hotel just let us in to use the VC - Are we in somebody's room? - Danny, I'm Jordan McDeere.
- Jordan's here to see you.
- Me? Yeah.
This all I was gonna say this all happened your first day.
As a matter of fact, my contract doesn't start till Monday.
Technically, I suppose, I could blow all this off and go to Cabo for the weekend.
- You wanna come? - I don't have my passport.
- You came to see me? - I did.
Why? To ask you to go to Cabo.
But since you can't do that, what about this? You and Matt Albie run Studio 60.
- You want Matt and me to run the show? - Yeah.
Right now, as a matter of fact.
- Your cast, crew and staff are gathering - You came here to find me? - Yeah.
- Well, God.
No.
- We're making a movie right now.
- Danny.
- Start production on a new screenplay.
- I don't think you are.
Know what? I'm not comfortable having this conversation without - I'm assuming that you fired Wes? - Yeah.
- Can't have this conversation till I got his - Blessing? You have it.
- I'm sorry? - You have his blessing.
Call him.
- I think we ought to talk about - What did you mean when you said? I said, "We're making a movie," and you said, "I don't think so"? Jordan knows about the test.
I'm sorry? I have an ex-boyfriend who's an executive at Great Western Mutual.
Tells me things he's not supposed to.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
And he doesn't wanna be your ex-boyfriend anymore.
I know you failed your physical.
That, and the fact you were in rehab 11 years ago means you can't get your insurance till you had 18 months of clean tests.
And I'm sorry to bring it up like this.
It's certainly none of my business.
You'll get bonded again in 18 months and I need you for two years, so it just about works out.
It does? - You're blackmailing me.
- I absolutely am not.
How many Blair, how many other people know about this? I don't know, but Jordan's saying it doesn't matter It matters.
I haven't told Matt.
Matt doesn't know.
The information interests me only if it means you're available.
To do a job that you're great at and that you love.
I have to go downstairs.
The money will be more than what you'd make directing.
Which you won't be able to do for another year and a half anyway.
Come down to the studio, make your peace with Jack Rudolph, take over the show and knock it out of the park.
- I have to go downstairs.
- Matt's not there.
- Where is he? - He's meeting you.
Taken in a separate car.
- Why? Because the press is about eight minutes behind all of us tonight.
I'm going there, but not to talk to your boss or take over the show, or hit it out of the park.
But to tell Matt before you do.
- That's your next step.
- I have no intention of telling Matt.
I have no reason to trust you and every reason not to.
Why? - You work in television.
Call down for my car, please.
- How you doing? - Fine.
Good.
Matt? Where the hell did you go? Sorry about that.
- I said, "He's never not been there for me.
" And then there was a follow-spot on a basket of dinner rolls.
Do you know about Wes, what happened? - Yeah, and they're offering us the show.
- What? - They want us to run the show.
- They want us to come back? Yeah, but I have to talk to you.
- I can't direct the movie.
What do you mean? You have to get somebody else.
I took my insurance physical a week ago and I tested positive for cocaine.
I need 18 months of clean tests before I can get a completion bond.
All right.
- Okay, are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- Okay, wait, wait.
- Look, Matt.
- I'll bond you.
- What? - I'll pay for the bond.
- How much money do you have? Well, with my savings, investments and my percentage of the first-dollar gross on this movie, $65.
We make some budget cuts, we shoot in Vancouver.
No, we're not shooting in Vancouver.
I'm drawing the line on the insanity.
Vancouver doesn't look like anything.
Doesn't even look like Vancouver.
It looks like Boston, California.
Go to another director.
To Soderbergh, or Curtis Hanson Wait a second, they must know.
That's how they knew we were available.
Guy at the insurance company wants to sleep with Jordan McDeere.
Who doesn't wanna? They swinging this thing in your face? - The point is, the new movie - Sons of bitches.
Matt? Matt! Hey, guys.
- Are they coming here? - I have a strong hunch that they are.
- A hunch.
Yeah, listen, do you drive a brand new black Lexus, by any chance? - Yes.
- Okay.
I owe you a left tail light and a rear bumper.
I was just writing the owner a note with my information.
- Excuse me.
- Matt, I'm Jordan.
- Matt Albie.
- I couldn't be a bigger fan of yours.
Thank you.
- Matt? You don't have to introduce yourself, Jack, we've met.
You using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight? He failed a drug test? Yeah, actually, Matt, I was the only one who knew about that.
Should've trusted me a little, Danny.
- Sorry about that.
That one was all me.
- Yeah.
Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now, but legitimately.
I had back surgery Tuesday.
L-five, S-one, if that means anything to you.
Stop talking now? Yeah, you bet.
Well, now that I understand Jordan's magic ingredients tonight why don't we talk? Congratulations on your WGA Award.
Thank you.
What did you think of Wes' speech? - Which one of us are you talking to? - Either one.
It was unprofessional, it was indefensible.
What do you think I think? Uh, I'm not talking about the presentation so much as the content.
Lts content? It's a little hard to I thought he tried to cram a lot of large generalities into a short period of time.
Do you think television is bad? - Why do you ask? - That's what you'll be asked.
No, I think My Mother The Car was bad, I think this is something else.
- Well, that's a terrible answer.
- Sorry.
- Matt? - What the hell are we talking about? You fired us four years ago from the number two spot.
We got famous, you want us back because you're in a jam.
- Isn't that what's going on? - It sounds like you're in a jam too.
We're done.
We're gonna take the job.
I'll bring him.
I'm not sure threatening him was the way.
I didn't make a threat, and by the way, I didn't fire you either.
- You quit.
- Please, Jack.
Wind started blowing in another direction and my jokes weren't so funny anymore.
You put the flag over the network bug.
God forbid you should lose the bug altogether.
You pointed us toward the door.
For the record, when I did it was your hero, Wes Mendell, who opened it.
I know that.
There'll be a press conference on Monday announcing you two are running Studio 60.
I can count on you to answer questions in a way that doesn't embarrass the National Broadcasting System.
- Will that be hard for you? - I wouldn't think it'd be hard.
If you pointed a camera at two people masturbating it'd be among the least embarrassing things on NBS.
I'll tell Blair to start working on the deal.
I've already got a dual masturbation show in active development so Keep laughing, Jordan.
This is all on you.
Excuse me.
Do you work here? Yeah.
- I'm Matt Albie.
- I know.
I'm Suzanne, I'm a PA.
How many cast, crew and writing staff are in the building? Probably almost all of them.
Are you coming to save us? Ha.
Would you page everyone to the stage? Yes, sir.
Full company to the stage, please.
Full company to the stage.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here? Danny and I are taking over the show.
- You are? - I'm your boss now.
So we're gonna have to postpone this fight for a couple of years.
- Really? - Yes.
- I mean you're really taking over the show? - Yes.
- Or we could just end it now, the fight.
- That'd be fine too.
Could you stop telling people we broke up because of the national anthem? It makes me sound like an idiot.
Actually, the consensus is, it makes me sound like an idiot.
Well, be that as it may, and truer words were never spoke, please stop it.
Fine.
- We didn't break up because of the game.
No, we didn't.
When you were promoting the movie, I held your hand every step.
When I had a CD to promote in 52 markets in 15 days, you disappeared.
- I didn't disappear.
- You got cold and you got mean.
Right after you went on The 700 Club.
Is that timing lost on you? It was an album of spiritual music.
Those are the people who buy spiritual music.
I don't care if it was an album of the Three Wise Men covering the Doobie Brothers.
You put on a dress and you sang for a bigot.
I sang for his audience, not every one of whom is necessarily the grotesque stereotype you'd like them to be.
Most of these people have nothing except their faith, and that moves me.
Throw in the Halloween costumes, you got yourself a Klan rally.
I'm sorry.
Fortunately, I'm on about 8000 milligrams of painkillers right now.
And I'm sorry if my going on Pat Robertson offended you.
And if I had to do it again, I wouldn't.
But the sketch that got cut? I stood by that sketch all week.
I stood by it all night, and I'll stand by it in front of the press.
And you know what the sketch was called? "Crazy Christians.
" The 700 Club isn't a comedy show.
There's no way to get this idiotic argument behind us? No.
But score for us on Friday nights and we won't have a problem.
I'm looking forward to working with you.
We're doing it.
Matt, you can get another director.
You can get someone good.
I don't want someone else, I want you.
The joke was, "I don't want someone good, I want you.
" I know where the joke was.
What happened? What happened? Nothing happened.
- It just happened.
- Once? A long weekend.
Talked to your sponsor? - Yeah.
- You back at meetings? - Yeah.
I had 11 years.
Now I have eight days.
Why didn't you tell me? When I screw up, you know about it.
- When you screw up, I read about it.
- No, I tell you, you're the first one I tell.
You need to go someplace? I mean, we can shut this thing down for 30 days.
No, we can't.
Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I was - No, forget that.
But it's gonna be our show now.
And only one of us can screw up at a time.
And I think we both know that most of the time, it's gonna be me.
You're the big shoulders.
- I hear you.
- Good.
Because I don't remember what I just said.
I do.
Oh, boys? Let's not have another meeting like that again, okay? It just makes my job harder.
Why do I care about your job being harder? You don't know it yet, but I'll be your dream come true.
- I'll believe it when I see it.
- Yeah, I get that a lot.
Know what happened after it was announced I was president of NBS? - What? - TMG stock dropped three-eights of a point.
I actually caused a dip in the NASDAQ index by showing up to work in the morning.
I don't think a lot of people are betting on me.
How much latitude do we have with personnel? Some.
Some you'll have to keep.
- Ricky and Ron have two more years.
- I don't want Ricky and Ron.
They get 30,000 an episode.
We won't eat that.
You're paying Beavis and Hackboy I'm not the one who made the deal, but it's there, so they're your co-execs.
Hey, you know what this is? It's the sketch that got cut.
I just read it.
I thought it was inspired, but I'm not an expert.
Read it and tell me what you think.
- I'm not gonna read it.
- Just tell me if it should've gone on air.
- I don't need to read it.
He doesn't need to.
- Why? - Because I wrote it.
Four years ago.
Shortly before I apparently quit.
I know.
All right, so you want me to prove it? Here's my first try.
Open with it next week.
You gotta give her style points.
- Yeah.
And you gotta ask yourself - What? What if she's for real? Yeah.
Cal? Hey.
You left him on for 53 seconds.
- Yeah.
- What the hell, Cal, you practice that.
That's live air.
I'll tell you what.
I don't think it was an accident.
- I think you left him on.
- I did.
And you guys do what you gotta do here.
There won't be any hard feelings.
We need you to stay.
- All right, then.
All right.
Cal? If you'd left him on for 54 seconds, I'd have given you a raise.
- What are you smiling about? - It's a nice studio.
Great studio with an incredible history.
The people who've had this stage? - You like it? - Yeah.
Good.
Because we live here now.
Whew, let's go.
All right, quiet, please, everybody.
Quiet, please.
All right, now.
You can see we use the whole theater for the show.
We have sets tucked into the walls along the sides.
If there's something that you can't see it'll be up on these two big-screen TVs.
And if there's something you still can't see ha, we really can't help you.
Okay, okay, I'm sure you guys, you know how this works.
We start with a cold open and then we smash into our VTR or video tape recording, also known as our main titles.
And over the VTR, our own Herb Sheldon says: Live, from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.
It's Friday night in Hollywood.
Not yet.
Don't waste it.
We're gonna have a great show.
From the ABC smash hit Desperate Housewives: Felicity Huffman is here tonight.
Three 6 Mafia out here.
Tell those guys we can hear them.
All right, Willy.
Take us to the starting line, baby.
Let's keep this rational.
You have to have rationality here because this conversation Excuse me.
- I want Jack Rudolph on the phone.
- Wes I don't know Jack's at a dinner.
- Disturb him.
- He pays me to make calls.
And Jack pays me to do this show, you ridiculous fatass.
What is your name? - Suzanne.
- Pick up that phone, dial 06.
Tell my secretary I want the chairman of NBS.
- Yes, sir.
- Stay where you are.
I'm trying to save us all a lot of tsuris.
Jerry, this sketch is funny.
It killed at dress.
Funny is in short supply here lately.
I'm in charge of Broadcast Standards and Practices.
- I'm not in charge of funny.
- Who's it gonna offend? - Just give me the names.
- Religious people.
God, Wes, and you knew that when you What do you want me to say to the people who'll go out of their minds as soon as it airs? You can tell them that we average nine million households.
That's 41 million who are full of crap.
Tell them, living where there's free speech means sometimes, you get offended.
- Cut the sketch.
- What am I gonna replace it with? Whatever.
Peripheral Vision Man is ready.
Peripheral Vision Man is not funny.
It's never been funny.
- I know.
I wanna talk to Jordan McDeere.
You can't.
- She's at the dinner party too? - Yes, she is.
It's the same dinner party.
It's a dinner party for Jordan McDeere.
You don't have a lot of time.
What happens if I say no? What if I go on air with the sketch? - I'm not gonna answer that.
- Why not? Because if you still had the muscle to do it, you wouldn't have asked.
Tell the control room we're cutting 4A and filling it with Peripheral Vision Man.
Thank you.
Studio 60, this is Broadcast Center you're up on router two, have a good show.
- Thank you.
Two minutes.
Call in.
- We're blowing off four-A.
- You're kidding.
- It killed at dress.
It was smart.
- Never had a chance.
What we filling with? - Peripheral Vision Man.
Ricky and Ron gonna keep writing that till somebody laughs? - What's the time on four-A? - 4:10.
- What's the time on Peripheral Vision Man? - 3:45.
Tell the writers they're gonna have to stretch it 25 seconds.
Making it longer was the missing ingredient in making it funny.
- Stand by, we've got a change at four-A.
- Ninety seconds live.
Good show.
"Which isn't how we'd do it on Wisteria Lane.
We'd invite the suspect over to our book club.
" I was told there were gonna change.
Are these the newest cards? - We just copied them down.
JODl: Felicity? Decision time.
Are we going with the slutty dress or the very slutty dress? Oh, could you hang on just a second? Thanks.
- Wes? Wes.
- Yeah? - Hey.
- Hey, you look great.
I'm not dressed yet, but I wanted to ask you about the Desperate Housewives run in the monologue? I'll do what you want.
But I thought we decided it wasn't working which is what the rehearsal audience confirmed, deciding that I apologize.
I really do.
I, uh We weren't able to get to it.
- Oh, are you all right? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry I wasn't able to spend that much time with you this week.
You're in a class by yourself, Felicity.
Knock them dead.
Wes? Is there anything you can tell me that will make me feel better about the monologue? Your instincts aren't wrong.
It's not funny.
Come on, babe.
Just tell me what you need.
I need the very slutty dress and somebody else to wear it.
Twenty seconds.
Doug, frame that up? - I need to see the hand on Tom's shoulder.
The chair.
Dylan's hand.
His right hand.
Just frame it up.
- Fifteen seconds.
- Ready one.
- Last looks.
Good here.
We're live in eight, seven six, five, four My fellow Americans.
I'm here to speak to you tonight about a very serious subject.
My legacy.
Legacy is a 480 SAT word which, it turns out, does not mean a woman with nice legs.
As in "Paula Zahn, primo legacy.
" No, my friends, legacy means the impact one leaves behind.
Oh, stop this.
Stop this.
- Let's stop it, uh, Tom.
We can hear you.
All right, listen, fellas.
We're gonna stop it.
Did we lose the feed? No, we're live.
I'd like both of you to clear the stage.
I don't want anyone to think that you were part of this.
Clear the stage.
Go on.
Go on, go on.
Uh.
It's not gonna be a very good show tonight.
And I think you should change the channel.
What the hell? When did they put this in? Does anybody know what's going on? Or better yet, turn off the Tv, okay? No, no.
I know it seems like this is supposed to be funny but tomorrow, you're gonna find out that it wasn't and by that time, I'll have been fired.
No, this is not sup This is not a sketch.
- Uh, this is real.
You wanna go to VTR? This show used to be cutting edge political and social satire but it's gotten lobotomized by a candy-ass broadcast network hell-bent on doing nothing that might challenge their audience.
We were about to do a sketch that you've seen already about 500 times.
No one's gonna confuse George Bush with George Plimpton, now, we get it.
We're all being lobotomized by this country's most influential industry.
It's just thrown in the towel on any endeavor they do.
Anything that doesn't include the courting of 12-year-old boys.
Not even the smart 12-year-olds, the stupid ones, the idiots of which there are plenty, thanks to this network.
So why don't you just change the channel? Turn off the TV.
Do it right now, go ahead.
Get him off! - Get the camera off of him.
- And put it on what? Cut the boom mic.
- It's his show.
I take my instructions from him.
Between art and commerce.
There's a struggle between art and commerce.
Now, I'm telling you, art is getting its ass kicked.
And it's making us mean and it's making us bitchy.
It's making us cheap punks.
That's not who we are! Ha.
People are having contests to see how much they can be like Donald Trump? Are you bleeping this out? - He hasn't said anything not allowed.
- He's telling people to change the channel.
Don't worry about anybody changing the channel.
Get him off, or you don't have a job tomorrow.
I'm running a live broadcast.
Can you threaten me later? We're eating worms for money.
Who Wants to Screw My Sister? Guys are getting killed in a war that's got theme music and a logo? That remote is a crack pipe.
Oh, yeah.
Every once in a while, we pretend to be appalled.
I'm waiting for him to say something untrue.
- Who knows how to do this? - Don't talk to my control.
- Get him off.
- You got two kids in school.
You've got two kids in private school whose father's five seconds away from never working again.
Pornographers.
It's not even good pornography.
They're just this side of snuff films.
And that's what's next because that's all that's left.
Cal, come on.
And the two things that make them scared gutless are the FCC and every psycho-religious cult that gets horny at the very mention of a boycott.
- All right, stand by VTR.
- We're gonna cut in early.
- Prissy, feckless, off-the-charts greed-filled whorehouse.
There it is.
- This thoroughly unpatriotic - Go VTR, now.
If you'll give me your attention I'd like to offer a toast to Jordan McDeere.
Jordan, I've been reviewing your résumé.
Two years in Business Affairs at Atlantic Records two years as vice president in charge of production at United Artists: A company I was surprised to learn still existed.
Four years at NBC, where she saw to it that Jay Leno spanked David Letterman on a regular basis.
On to the news division you went in the CBS Morning Show where you took the program from a 16 to a 19 share and a 13 percent increase in the demo.
Well, Jack, I commend you for making such an astute hire.
Jordan, I welcome you to The Tunney Media Group.
And as the new president of the National Broadcasting System I ask only one thing of you: Unprecedented success.
Hear, hear.
Thank you very much, Mr.
White.
And thank you, Jack and Marylyn, for hosting this wonderful party.
I also wanted to thank the caterers, this - Oh, I didn't The food is - The woman said this was important.
Oh.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
It's from my assistant.
Something's happened at Studio 60.
Could I use your phone? - Yeah, sure, it's in the office.
- Can't be that big a deal.
Nothing bad's gonna happen on my first day, right? Yo, Academy Award winners Three 6 Mafia Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is going down, yeah.
What happened? - I cut a sketch and he went crazy.
Ugh, I need Shelley Green, I need Steve Cantor.
I need a tape, somebody play this thing back for me.
I need a room.
Excuse me, we're still in the middle of a show.
Ha, shut up.
- Who's using this room? In here.
- Three 6 Mafia, but they're on stage.
In here.
Oh, man, are you kidding me? You gotta let me fire the control room director.
Get rid of the bong and loose joints? - I'll grab the loose joints.
Look, we'll get to the director.
Uh We need it on half-inch, for the love of We work in television.
He left him on for 53 seconds before I gave a clear instruction to It's not gonna be a very good show tonight.
I think you should change the channel.
Change the channel, right now.
Where is he? - How are you? - Fine.
- Who are you? - I'm Jordan McDeere.
- I'm the new president of - Oh, yeah.
We met.
So how are you enjoying your first day? What was the sketch about? - What? - That got cut.
What was it about? We're meeting across the street in the 18th floor conference room in 30 minutes.
Jerry's in charge.
They'll deal with the opening 60 seconds for the West Coast delay.
- Wesley? - Yeah.
- You're fired.
No kidding.
Escort him off the property.
He doesn't talk to any press while he's on this property.
I'm sorry about all this.
In times like these, the world needs a superhero with a full 180-degree field of sight.
The world needs Peripheral Vision Man.
In a scene reminiscent of Paddy Chayefsky's classic film, Network Studio 60 Executive Producer Wes Mendell hijacked tonight's broadcast He was mad as hell and he wasn't gonna take it anymore.
The NBS flagship program Impression of Peter Finch's Oscar-winning performance in the 1977 film Network Disaster and embarrassment at NBS as tonight's broadcast of Studio 60 got off to a start that would've made Paddy Chayefsky smile.
- Believe this? - They've heard of Paddy Chayefsky.
- That's a step in the right direction.
- Sir, they're ready for you.
- That was a faux pas back there.
- Where? At the dinner party.
You don't compliment the caterer in front of the hostess.
I don't wanna start throwing my weight around.
But that's probably not gonna be a high priority tonight.
Shelley, muzzles on the cast, mouths shut.
Nobody talks until I say so.
- Howard, what's legal think? - Uh, they're looking at the tape.
Could be anything from the FCC to a class-action suit.
What about the news division? They're not gonna like the crack about having theme music and a logo for the war.
Advertiser relations? We're trying to get them on the phone, but it's not easy this late.
Same thing with the affiliates.
- The remark about worm-eating and Who Wants To Screw My Sister? - He was talking about our shows? - We don't know.
Is there something funny about this? God, Jack, there's like seven things funny about this.
We're not sure which show he was talking about? The FCC doesn't have us on anything and a lawsuit wouldn't pass the laugh test.
By the way, you can try, but you can't stop the cast from talking to the press.
- And certainly not the Big Three.
- The news division? The news division can kiss me, report the damn news.
The Big Three.
What does Detroit have to do with this? No, she's talking about Not the car companies.
She's talking about Harriet Hayes, Tom Jeter and Simon Stiles.
They're the leaders of the group.
Jordan, are you saying that we're overreacting to this hideous, humiliating and possibly actionable event that occurred on our air? No.
I'm saying you're dramatically underreacting to it.
- We don't care about any of this.
- What do we care about? - They're gonna say he was right.
- What? They're gonna say he was right.
Cable shows will have non-stop roundtables about how Hollywood's taking our national culture to hell.
And we just became the symbol of that.
I don't know who the bookers will get who'll be on our side.
People for the American Way will not show up to defend NBS's primetime schedule.
- When did there become two sides to this? - When you fired Wes.
You can't be suggesting This is what happened in the damn movie.
You can't suggest we give his show back.
- No.
He's done at this network.
- Then what are you suggesting? Let's talk in my office.
I don't know where my office is.
What are you suggesting? We need a new story.
And Studio 60 needs a new executive producer and head writer.
- I wanna hire Matt Albie and Danny Tripp.
No, no, no.
Yeah.
I have a history with those guys.
- I fired them.
I know the history.
People in Kansas know the history.
That's why it's a good story.
It's a big story and we get to control it.
We'll hire two people who hate your guts and we're You know - Because we're committed to quality.
Hiring Matt and Danny is a tacit admission of guilt and silent act of contrition.
- That's required.
- What am I guilty of? I could read you the charges, but we don't have that kind of time.
- You talk to your bosses at NBC like this? - Every day.
That's how I became president.
I hire these guys back, I'll look de-balled.
Don't need fingers on one hand to count people who care about your balls.
I got news for you, sister.
As long as I'm one of them, so are you.
They're exceptionally qualified.
It's a splashy choice.
- They're classy.
- Yeah.
- They are, and we need that.
You'll never get them to come back.
I will.
I'll get them.
How? You know something I don't know? Yeah, we're keeping it that way.
Even if you get them, pay them.
I'm gonna back up a Brink's truck.
- When you wanna do this? - Tonight.
I want all this done and together for a press conference Monday noon.
You're gonna get this all done on a Friday night? Yeah.
You got a thing for one of these guys? Or both of these guys? I don't know either one of them personally.
- Was that a question when you hired me? - You bet your ass it was.
I need to get started now.
I need to get to Matt and Danny.
- I wanna meet before hands are shaken.
- They're not gonna audition.
- We're gonna have a conversation.
- And what will you say? Whatever I damn well please.
You saw how fast I fired Wes Mendell? Screw this up, and I'll fire you faster.
I'm not like every other heterosexual male in show business, Jordan.
I don't find you charming.
And you've earned the loyalty of absolutely no one.
So you go ahead and take your first steps toward making us all classy again.
We've been waiting for you.
That's your office.
Whoa.
Sorry.
That was strange.
I'm sorry.
- You okay? Yeah.
I'm on medication right now that I guess makes me not know where chairs are.
- He means he's on back medication.
Yeah.
- Hm? - How'd you hurt your back? When a surgeon sliced it open with a knife.
- He had back surgery a few days ago.
- You're on Vicodin? I may have exceeded the recommended dosage.
Should you be out of bed this soon? I play with pain.
They haven't gotten to your category yet.
They're doing the awards between courses this year.
- Where's your wife? Next to her husband.
- I was just talking to you.
- Sure.
I'm on a little Vicodin and Percocet and a steroid called Nortisone.
The side effect of which is mania.
I swear to God, it said so on the bottle.
- You're here alone? - Ah, completely alone.
- They broke up.
- Oh, no.
Why? - He couldn't stop himself from speaking.
I was right, she was wrong.
- I'm all about the truth, partner.
- Just don't do it out loud.
That's fine.
Karen got invited to the Friday night wrap party.
- It might be a fun thing to do after.
- For Studio 60? I'm friends with Felicity.
She's guest-hosting tonight.
- No, no, no.
- Come on.
- You don't like Felicity? I like Felicity fine.
Just the woman I broke up with is a cast member and it'd be awkward if I went to the party and killed her in front of those people.
- Which one? - Harriet Hayes.
- What happened with you and Harriet? Because of the "Star-Spangled Banner.
" Why we broke up.
And what used to be called honesty.
What's the "Star-Spangled Banner" have to do with it? - She sang it before a Dodger game.
Who were they playing? St.
Louis.
Danny and I got back from London to do press for the movie an 11-hour flight with an eight-hour time difference so I didn't make it out to the stadium.
- And she got mad? - Yes, she certainly did.
- But that's not why we broke up.
Thank you.
The nominees tonight in the category of Best Original Screenplay If it wasn't because you weren't there, what did you do? I didn't do anything to her.
She said, "I was great, by the way, I got a standing ovation.
" I said very sincerely, "Harriet, I'm sure you were great.
But it was the national anthem, they were standing already.
" - Matty, why would you say that? - Because, first of all I was trying to make her laugh, which is nice.
Second, Roseanne Barr got a standing ovation when she sang the - To not say anything - Would've been patronizing.
- So you get it.
- No, no, no.
You blew it with Harriet Hayes.
- I'm the only sane person I know.
Yeah! Thanks, man.
I miss her.
I really do.
I'm dying inside and I appreciate your support.
- Matt? Go up on the stage now.
Why? - You just won.
- Really? Hey, that's great.
Hey, is he gonna be okay up there? Accepting awards in front of ballrooms full of people is the only place he is okay.
Danny.
- Yeah? You see our boy just won? I need to talk to you outside now.
We're gonna listen to this.
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
- I need to see tape.
Before I go any further, I want to acknowledge our director, Danny Tripp.
Whether it's on a set or at my desk, he's never not been there for me.
Would you move the follow-spot over to Danny on table 15? You see that there's nobody there too, right? Harriet, can we get a statement? What happened? Get her inside.
Right this way, Miss Hayes.
You had some trouble tonight, huh? A little adventure.
Stevie's in New York, but I'm in constant contact with him and we're all coordinating with Shelley at the network.
You're the one they wanna talk to because they hear about the sketch that got cut.
Wanna know if you thought it was offensive.
I'm not an expert on Christian people, Daphne.
Stevie says you don't wanna talk about your religion right now.
- Stevie doesn't have to convince me of that.
- Ketel martini rocks? - Thanks, Sandy.
- The boys are in the back room.
Thank you.
Tight show tonight.
- Yes.
What went on in the control room? We got word the sketch was cut, next thing I knew Wes was up on stage.
Standards blew into the room, and I waited There had to be a lot of confusion.
It's not like there are rules or procedures for this.
No, there are strict rules and procedures.
I just didn't follow any of them.
- What's Matt say? - What do you mean? - Have you talked to Matt? - We broke up.
That's right, I heard.
"Star-Spangled Banner"? No, it wasn't Oh.
It doesn't matter.
- I just wanted to see if you were all right.
- I'm fine.
I've been told to sit tight and wait for word and, you know Rock stars and cocktail waitresses.
There's worse places you can be told to wait.
Word on what? I faced off with Standards during a live broadcast, Harry.
The guys who've done that feel lucky when they can get a job directing Good Morning, El Paso.
We'll stick together.
I'm sorry about Matt.
I'm a big fan of his and I like him a lot.
- I'm a big fan of his and I hate his guts.
- It's Matt, he made a joke about It wasn't the Dodger game, and don't worry about it.
- I'll be saying a prayer for you.
- Thanks.
Has anybody seen Felicity Huffman? She was on the first train out soon as the good-nights were done.
We should send her a box of candy or something.
Yeah, that'll do the trick.
Harry.
I had to navigate 14 people asking me if I was offended by the sketch and if I'd spoken to Matt.
- Have you talked to Matt? - No.
Why didn't you ask me first if I was offended by the sketch? And second, no, I haven't talked Why would I? No.
And Matt's going to be the calming voice of wisdom? He and Danny are laughing their asses off.
- Gotta ask you something.
- What? - Lf it wasn't the "Star-Spangled Banner" - No, no, we are not talking about that.
In fact, if we can just not talk about Matt in any way ever again that would be fine.
First me, then the show.
Matt got a twofer.
It took four years, but the show collapsed without them.
You want some nice news on a bad night? Matt just won the Writers Guild Award.
Please let me watch you smoke a cigarette.
Hey, Harriet.
You pray before every show, right? So, what happened tonight? It did not work? - What? - Did you just not do it right? He's wasted.
I'm just asking.
You know what, Brook? When you start making a contribution to this show you can talk to me any way you want.
But you had two lines tonight and you stepped on one of them.
So until you either accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or make somebody laugh, why don't you talk to somebody else? Don't do that.
- Right? - Yes, sir.
Were you offended by the sketch? I was offended I wasn't in the sketch.
I thought the writing was of a level we hadn't had in years.
Frankly, I was surprised that Wes was capable of it.
Are we sure that Wes wrote it? - Well, it wasn't Ricky and Ron.
- You sure? Ricky and Ron suddenly able to write like that is like me suddenly being able to play the cello.
Hey, guys? Yeah.
You're being called back to the studio.
Who? - Everybody.
This is it.
I'll put you in the green room till we're ready.
- No, I think I'll wait out here for Danny.
- I'd really like you to come inside.
Except there may be somebody I don't wanna - What the hell is going on? - We'll explain inside.
Yeah, I'm gonna wait out here for Danny.
Wait with him.
And America's broadcasters have turned into pornographers.
He's here with me now.
- Not even good pornography.
- It's just this side of snuff films.
Okay, that's the door.
She's here.
That's what's next because that's what's left.
And the two things that make them scared gutless are the FCC and every psycho-religious cult that gets positively horny at the very mention of a boycott.
These are the people they're afraid of.
Well, there are gonna be some horny psycho-religious cults tonight.
I'm sorry, are we in your room? The hotel just let us in to use the VC - Are we in somebody's room? - Danny, I'm Jordan McDeere.
- Jordan's here to see you.
- Me? Yeah.
This all I was gonna say this all happened your first day.
As a matter of fact, my contract doesn't start till Monday.
Technically, I suppose, I could blow all this off and go to Cabo for the weekend.
- You wanna come? - I don't have my passport.
- You came to see me? - I did.
Why? To ask you to go to Cabo.
But since you can't do that, what about this? You and Matt Albie run Studio 60.
- You want Matt and me to run the show? - Yeah.
Right now, as a matter of fact.
- Your cast, crew and staff are gathering - You came here to find me? - Yeah.
- Well, God.
No.
- We're making a movie right now.
- Danny.
- Start production on a new screenplay.
- I don't think you are.
Know what? I'm not comfortable having this conversation without - I'm assuming that you fired Wes? - Yeah.
- Can't have this conversation till I got his - Blessing? You have it.
- I'm sorry? - You have his blessing.
Call him.
- I think we ought to talk about - What did you mean when you said? I said, "We're making a movie," and you said, "I don't think so"? Jordan knows about the test.
I'm sorry? I have an ex-boyfriend who's an executive at Great Western Mutual.
Tells me things he's not supposed to.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
And he doesn't wanna be your ex-boyfriend anymore.
I know you failed your physical.
That, and the fact you were in rehab 11 years ago means you can't get your insurance till you had 18 months of clean tests.
And I'm sorry to bring it up like this.
It's certainly none of my business.
You'll get bonded again in 18 months and I need you for two years, so it just about works out.
It does? - You're blackmailing me.
- I absolutely am not.
How many Blair, how many other people know about this? I don't know, but Jordan's saying it doesn't matter It matters.
I haven't told Matt.
Matt doesn't know.
The information interests me only if it means you're available.
To do a job that you're great at and that you love.
I have to go downstairs.
The money will be more than what you'd make directing.
Which you won't be able to do for another year and a half anyway.
Come down to the studio, make your peace with Jack Rudolph, take over the show and knock it out of the park.
- I have to go downstairs.
- Matt's not there.
- Where is he? - He's meeting you.
Taken in a separate car.
- Why? Because the press is about eight minutes behind all of us tonight.
I'm going there, but not to talk to your boss or take over the show, or hit it out of the park.
But to tell Matt before you do.
- That's your next step.
- I have no intention of telling Matt.
I have no reason to trust you and every reason not to.
Why? - You work in television.
Call down for my car, please.
- How you doing? - Fine.
Good.
Matt? Where the hell did you go? Sorry about that.
- I said, "He's never not been there for me.
" And then there was a follow-spot on a basket of dinner rolls.
Do you know about Wes, what happened? - Yeah, and they're offering us the show.
- What? - They want us to run the show.
- They want us to come back? Yeah, but I have to talk to you.
- I can't direct the movie.
What do you mean? You have to get somebody else.
I took my insurance physical a week ago and I tested positive for cocaine.
I need 18 months of clean tests before I can get a completion bond.
All right.
- Okay, are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- Okay, wait, wait.
- Look, Matt.
- I'll bond you.
- What? - I'll pay for the bond.
- How much money do you have? Well, with my savings, investments and my percentage of the first-dollar gross on this movie, $65.
We make some budget cuts, we shoot in Vancouver.
No, we're not shooting in Vancouver.
I'm drawing the line on the insanity.
Vancouver doesn't look like anything.
Doesn't even look like Vancouver.
It looks like Boston, California.
Go to another director.
To Soderbergh, or Curtis Hanson Wait a second, they must know.
That's how they knew we were available.
Guy at the insurance company wants to sleep with Jordan McDeere.
Who doesn't wanna? They swinging this thing in your face? - The point is, the new movie - Sons of bitches.
Matt? Matt! Hey, guys.
- Are they coming here? - I have a strong hunch that they are.
- A hunch.
Yeah, listen, do you drive a brand new black Lexus, by any chance? - Yes.
- Okay.
I owe you a left tail light and a rear bumper.
I was just writing the owner a note with my information.
- Excuse me.
- Matt, I'm Jordan.
- Matt Albie.
- I couldn't be a bigger fan of yours.
Thank you.
- Matt? You don't have to introduce yourself, Jack, we've met.
You using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight? He failed a drug test? Yeah, actually, Matt, I was the only one who knew about that.
Should've trusted me a little, Danny.
- Sorry about that.
That one was all me.
- Yeah.
Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now, but legitimately.
I had back surgery Tuesday.
L-five, S-one, if that means anything to you.
Stop talking now? Yeah, you bet.
Well, now that I understand Jordan's magic ingredients tonight why don't we talk? Congratulations on your WGA Award.
Thank you.
What did you think of Wes' speech? - Which one of us are you talking to? - Either one.
It was unprofessional, it was indefensible.
What do you think I think? Uh, I'm not talking about the presentation so much as the content.
Lts content? It's a little hard to I thought he tried to cram a lot of large generalities into a short period of time.
Do you think television is bad? - Why do you ask? - That's what you'll be asked.
No, I think My Mother The Car was bad, I think this is something else.
- Well, that's a terrible answer.
- Sorry.
- Matt? - What the hell are we talking about? You fired us four years ago from the number two spot.
We got famous, you want us back because you're in a jam.
- Isn't that what's going on? - It sounds like you're in a jam too.
We're done.
We're gonna take the job.
I'll bring him.
I'm not sure threatening him was the way.
I didn't make a threat, and by the way, I didn't fire you either.
- You quit.
- Please, Jack.
Wind started blowing in another direction and my jokes weren't so funny anymore.
You put the flag over the network bug.
God forbid you should lose the bug altogether.
You pointed us toward the door.
For the record, when I did it was your hero, Wes Mendell, who opened it.
I know that.
There'll be a press conference on Monday announcing you two are running Studio 60.
I can count on you to answer questions in a way that doesn't embarrass the National Broadcasting System.
- Will that be hard for you? - I wouldn't think it'd be hard.
If you pointed a camera at two people masturbating it'd be among the least embarrassing things on NBS.
I'll tell Blair to start working on the deal.
I've already got a dual masturbation show in active development so Keep laughing, Jordan.
This is all on you.
Excuse me.
Do you work here? Yeah.
- I'm Matt Albie.
- I know.
I'm Suzanne, I'm a PA.
How many cast, crew and writing staff are in the building? Probably almost all of them.
Are you coming to save us? Ha.
Would you page everyone to the stage? Yes, sir.
Full company to the stage, please.
Full company to the stage.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here? Danny and I are taking over the show.
- You are? - I'm your boss now.
So we're gonna have to postpone this fight for a couple of years.
- Really? - Yes.
- I mean you're really taking over the show? - Yes.
- Or we could just end it now, the fight.
- That'd be fine too.
Could you stop telling people we broke up because of the national anthem? It makes me sound like an idiot.
Actually, the consensus is, it makes me sound like an idiot.
Well, be that as it may, and truer words were never spoke, please stop it.
Fine.
- We didn't break up because of the game.
No, we didn't.
When you were promoting the movie, I held your hand every step.
When I had a CD to promote in 52 markets in 15 days, you disappeared.
- I didn't disappear.
- You got cold and you got mean.
Right after you went on The 700 Club.
Is that timing lost on you? It was an album of spiritual music.
Those are the people who buy spiritual music.
I don't care if it was an album of the Three Wise Men covering the Doobie Brothers.
You put on a dress and you sang for a bigot.
I sang for his audience, not every one of whom is necessarily the grotesque stereotype you'd like them to be.
Most of these people have nothing except their faith, and that moves me.
Throw in the Halloween costumes, you got yourself a Klan rally.
I'm sorry.
Fortunately, I'm on about 8000 milligrams of painkillers right now.
And I'm sorry if my going on Pat Robertson offended you.
And if I had to do it again, I wouldn't.
But the sketch that got cut? I stood by that sketch all week.
I stood by it all night, and I'll stand by it in front of the press.
And you know what the sketch was called? "Crazy Christians.
" The 700 Club isn't a comedy show.
There's no way to get this idiotic argument behind us? No.
But score for us on Friday nights and we won't have a problem.
I'm looking forward to working with you.
We're doing it.
Matt, you can get another director.
You can get someone good.
I don't want someone else, I want you.
The joke was, "I don't want someone good, I want you.
" I know where the joke was.
What happened? What happened? Nothing happened.
- It just happened.
- Once? A long weekend.
Talked to your sponsor? - Yeah.
- You back at meetings? - Yeah.
I had 11 years.
Now I have eight days.
Why didn't you tell me? When I screw up, you know about it.
- When you screw up, I read about it.
- No, I tell you, you're the first one I tell.
You need to go someplace? I mean, we can shut this thing down for 30 days.
No, we can't.
Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I was - No, forget that.
But it's gonna be our show now.
And only one of us can screw up at a time.
And I think we both know that most of the time, it's gonna be me.
You're the big shoulders.
- I hear you.
- Good.
Because I don't remember what I just said.
I do.
Oh, boys? Let's not have another meeting like that again, okay? It just makes my job harder.
Why do I care about your job being harder? You don't know it yet, but I'll be your dream come true.
- I'll believe it when I see it.
- Yeah, I get that a lot.
Know what happened after it was announced I was president of NBS? - What? - TMG stock dropped three-eights of a point.
I actually caused a dip in the NASDAQ index by showing up to work in the morning.
I don't think a lot of people are betting on me.
How much latitude do we have with personnel? Some.
Some you'll have to keep.
- Ricky and Ron have two more years.
- I don't want Ricky and Ron.
They get 30,000 an episode.
We won't eat that.
You're paying Beavis and Hackboy I'm not the one who made the deal, but it's there, so they're your co-execs.
Hey, you know what this is? It's the sketch that got cut.
I just read it.
I thought it was inspired, but I'm not an expert.
Read it and tell me what you think.
- I'm not gonna read it.
- Just tell me if it should've gone on air.
- I don't need to read it.
He doesn't need to.
- Why? - Because I wrote it.
Four years ago.
Shortly before I apparently quit.
I know.
All right, so you want me to prove it? Here's my first try.
Open with it next week.
You gotta give her style points.
- Yeah.
And you gotta ask yourself - What? What if she's for real? Yeah.
Cal? Hey.
You left him on for 53 seconds.
- Yeah.
- What the hell, Cal, you practice that.
That's live air.
I'll tell you what.
I don't think it was an accident.
- I think you left him on.
- I did.
And you guys do what you gotta do here.
There won't be any hard feelings.
We need you to stay.
- All right, then.
All right.
Cal? If you'd left him on for 54 seconds, I'd have given you a raise.
- What are you smiling about? - It's a nice studio.
Great studio with an incredible history.
The people who've had this stage? - You like it? - Yeah.
Good.
Because we live here now.
Whew, let's go.
All right, quiet, please, everybody.
Quiet, please.