Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006) s01e18 Episode Script

Breaking News

Previously on Studio 60: I'm Mary Tate, the attorney from Gage Whitney.
Two years ago a staff writer named Karen Salisbirk was fired and she's claiming it was because she complained about sexual harassment.
When you get back here could you just fake it with him or something? I'm in the middle of a scene right now.
I'll be back as soon as I'm wrapped.
- You love me.
A little bit.
- No.
- I've loved other guys, it's a passing thing.
Isn't Harriet the reason you're having trouble writing? And isn't the writing connected to the ratings? I've been feeling a little down lateley and I got a show to get done.
Take these.
You're gonna like them.
Two minutes to live air, ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.
Let's go, huddle up, let's bring it in.
- Dylan, you nervous? - No.
You should be, you're going on TV in two minutes.
Matty! Yeah.
- Show's written, put your crayons down.
- Let's bring it in! - Herbie? Yes, sir? - Studio 60, right? - Pardon? You said "city" at dress.
- I said city? Don't worry.
- You said "Studio City.
" - He knows.
- He didn't know.
- Matt likes to give you a hard time.
This is all I can think about.
You're the announcer.
Name is all you have to think about.
Take your position.
Have a good show.
You know, you screw him up.
- Herb, you're the best in the business.
- Thank you.
Name of the show's all over the building.
- Are you done? - Yeah, go ahead.
- Everybody got their notes from dress? Yeah.
Keep on your toes.
We may flip the last two sketches.
- I'll make the decision after "News 60.
" - "News 60" or "News City"? I've been hearing a lot of talk about ratings around here this week and I want it out of your heads.
Ratings are the business of the network and advertisers.
Our customer is the audience and they are right out there.
- So let's eat them up.
Whose turn is it? Simon.
- Go.
Uh I'm always grateful for another week of working with you all.
I'm grateful for another opportunity to try and do my best.
Harry, I hope you're a huge success in the movie but I am grateful your head is back here full time.
And while I still think you and Matt are each as dumb as a sack a doorknobs we're happy you're at least speaking to each other.
She knows which side her bread is buttered on.
I'll butter your head.
Good show.
Let's go, let's go.
We're on the air in 30 seconds, ladies and gentlemen.
Say hello to our executive producer, Daniel Tripp.
Good evening.
- How was your day? Any day Hallie Galloway doesn't try to take my job is a good day.
Why don't you two play nice? Because you keep pitting us against each other.
- That's right.
- Why is that, Jack? - It gets better results.
- Yeah.
- Say, speaking of results - The show's about to start.
Have you talked to him? Officially? I don't know what that means.
- I talk to him a lot.
- Officially.
It's not like he's unaware of the ratings.
I'm unaware of what he's gonna do about it.
You either, for that matter.
If it's uncomfortable laying down the law with your boyfriend its understandable.
- Thank you.
- I can just have Hallie take care of it.
In five, four, three Good afternoon.
I have a message from the office of the vice president.
"The troop surge, our New Way Forward, is a resounding success.
We are in the final throes of the war.
Victory is imminent and the good people of Iraq are already planning parades fireworks and pageants celebrating their liberation from sectarian insurgent forces.
" I will now take questions from the naysayers.
Tony? Yes, Bill.
The additional troops aren't deployed.
- True.
What's your question? How can the surge be a success if there hasn't been a surge? - That's just how good this plan is.
- Sim.
Do you know if Tom got an e- mail from his brother before the show? - Mm I don't, why? - His parents called me.
They haven't heard from his brother in about 48 hours.
Doesn't Mark usually e-mail Tommy before the show? When do we say something? - Not during the show.
Tony, I This has been the bloodiest month of the entire war.
Jim, it's statements like that that are demoralizing our troops.
It's the roadside bombs that are demoralizing our troops.
But how is the surge a success if the country has spiraled into civil war? Matt? - Yeah? Hi.
- Hi.
You're so happy to see me you could just spit.
- What are you doing here? - I need to talk to you.
- Show's up.
- I'd love to watch it.
- But something's come up.
- Involves me? - Are you still the head writer? Yeah.
- Yes.
- Do we have to do this? A member of the TMG board's deposed tomorrow in New York at 8:30.
I have to prep his lawyers in the next few hours.
I'll need to talk to Harriet Hayes.
Not while she's working, you won't.
I can wait until after the show for Harriet.
I can be your date for the wrap party.
What did Harriet do? Well, she's named as a witness in the complaint.
Karen Salisbirk wrote a sketch Harriet was in but got cut at dress.
By way of explanation, Harriet said: "Writers' room is a tough place for a woman.
" A writers' room is a tough place for someone who isn't a writer.
You don't seem excited about being my date for the wrap party.
- I wore nice shoes.
- I'm trying to watch the show.
Tony, the Joint Chiefs, the Iraq Study Group any number of generals and a majority of American people have called this strategy a failure.
Well, it's only a failure if you call it that.
- How's it going? - Hang on.
Next question.
Herb? Live from Studio City on the Sunset Strip.
It's Friday night in Hollywood.
- Did he say "city"? - Yep.
And now it's time for "Cooking Healthy With Nicolas Cage.
" Thank you, and welcome to "Cooking Healthy With Nicolas Cage.
" I'd a full body search while traveling to the Bahamas with Johnny Ramone and a hooker named Binky.
So tonight, we'll be talking about truffles amandine.
Caller, you're on the phone with Nicolas Cage.
You put on a tie for show night.
- Yeah.
- That's nice.
It's old-fashioned.
It is.
Look at the old pictures of the writers and all my heroes wore coats and ties.
Her attorneys filed a retaliation claim this morning.
- Do you know what that is? - Nope.
You were called for a recommendation by a producer named Dan Spitzer.
He had an animated comedy picked up and he was staffing up.
Karen was in the running for a job as a staff writer and he called you about her.
Do you remember that? I don't mean to be rude we're in the middle of something.
- I can wait.
- Thank you.
- Not that long.
- I get calls about staff writers.
- Everybody calls everybody.
- Remember the call from Dan? Yes.
- He was calling about Karen Salisbirk? - He was calling about a few writers.
Was one of them Karen? - Yes.
- Then don't play around with me.
- Unless it's flirting, and then that's fine.
He was calling Hang on.
Caller, I could handle this conversation a little easier if I didn't smell the scent of defrosting Stouffer's lasagna curling through the freaking phone line.
- Damn it.
- They laughed.
Not enough.
You're so cute I could just put your poster up in my dorm room.
What does that mean? I don't know.
I just say these things.
- What did you tell him? Mary, I've never worked with Karen.
I've never met Karen Salisbirk.
All this stuff happened before I came back here.
- What did you tell Dan Spitzer? - That I'd never worked with her.
And? I told him she was fired because she wasn't good.
And now she's suing the show.
I told him she's bad news.
And there's the retaliation claim.
She's saying you're depriving her of future earnings.
Am I to be named as a co-defendant in this preposterous lawsuit? - The network's gonna pay the legal fees.
- Because I answered the phone? - Doesn't that suck? - Yes.
You look good in a tie, though.
That's a good one for court.
I'm gonna leave you alone for a while.
But can I ask you to consider something very seriously? - What? - I honestly think I'd be a really good date for the wrap party.
This sketch is funny.
I was listening to it while I was talking to you.
I have an IQ of like 210.
It's ridiculous.
Caller, I think that recipe would work better for you if your head weren't quite so far up your ass.
That's our show for today.
Come back next week when we put the lie to complex carbohydrates.
This has been "Cooking Healthy With Nicolas Cage.
" We're out.
You stuck it.
- I pushed it.
You didn't.
I went into his dressing room and checked his e-mail.
The last one was three days ago.
- I mean, is this unusual? Five, four, three No, I mean No, the unit goes out but he usually He let's them know when he's gonna be out of touch.
- I'm not sure it's right not to tell him.
- Nothing to tell him.
- The call from his parents? - Not during the show.
- Hey.
It's going good.
- You all right? - Yeah.
A gel burned, could you see it? Up left.
- You sure? - Uh-huh.
- You seem - Jack's up there, he's hassling me.
Tell him to shut up and watch the show.
- Well, I can't.
You can.
He's the boss, Danny.
I work in the real world.
- What world do I work in? - We'll talk about it after.
- About the ratings? - We'll talk after.
It's about the ratings.
I asked you not to open with the war.
We'll talk about it after.
- Matty boy.
- Hey, Jack.
- You got any good Scotch? - Help yourself.
- Hey, you know what I did today? - No.
I bought a company.
- Yeah? Yeah, 5 percent of a company.
It's a small media technology group called Dramatic Revolution.
I could use one.
Funny you should mention that.
- How funny? - No, you're gonna like this.
They showed me a demonstration of a piece of software called Standing O or Standing O 3000 or something.
It's from the same designer who came up with Platinum Blue.
- You know what that is? - No.
It can listen to a song and tell you what to add or subtract to make it a hit.
- I do like the sound of this.
- It's for real.
They've plugged in the plots from 500 successful movies breaking down their elements and bam! They tell you your screenplay needs a car chase here a love scene there, a sidekick - By God, this is a dramatic revolution.
- They can do it with sketch comedy too.
They put in the best of S 60, SNL, Monty Python, Carol Burnett Sonny and Cher, Laugh-In What does the computer consider to be the best of Sonny and Cher? - Good question.
- Ratings are cyclical, Jack.
Who the hell knows why anybody watches anything? Well, apparently, this computer does.
Thanks for the Scotch.
We're out.
- It's going okay.
- Yeah.
You need anything? What's wrong? Suzanne, what's wrong? Matt, if I ask you something, will you promise not to fire me? I'm not gonna fire you.
What's wrong? Are you high right now? How'd you know? My mother took - Oh, Suzie - When she woke up, she just took more.
Well, I have been I mean, it's okay.
I was a little depressed when Harriet started seeing Luke.
- That hit me, knocked me down a little.
- Matt Suzanne, you have to understand, it's not like putting a hammer to a nail.
Writing a comedy show, you can't be depressed while you're doing it.
You gotta have energy and you gotta be able to feel joy.
And it's not like I can ask everybody to sit and wait while I get over it.
I know.
As soon as we have a hiatus, I'm gonna stop.
Okay? My mom said that when I was 9.
And when I was 10, she slit her wrists.
I'm fine, Suzanne.
I swear to God, I am.
Back in 20 seconds.
Does Herb know he said "Studio City"? That was my fault.
I messed with his head a little bit.
- Okay.
- Okay.
In five, four, three, two Schools in Japan should rethink a ban on corporal punishment.
Testifying before the panel retired schoolteacher, said students are better behaved more studious and less likely to be tardy when she was allowed to kick them in the face.
From the runways of Milan fashion experts are predicting the trend for next fall will be leggings for men.
In my neighborhood, we had a saying, "You go first, let's see if you get shot.
" Harriet? House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, in an interview with Guy who invented it used to be a network executive.
Yeah? Head of current at CBS for about two years.
He was vexed, you see by the constant coddling that these showrunners demand and came up with this program.
He tried it first with screenplays, songs.
He tried it with teleplays.
Swears it will work with sketch comedy.
- Can I watch the show? Yeah.
He's averaging a 5-7-19 share.
In late night, anybody would take that and run.
- Averaging the 5-7 over five months.
- Jack Excuse me, if you'll throw down numbers and tell me what I know you don't mind if I state some facts? He's got the 5-7 average over five months.
Over the last two, it's 4-8/15 and he's this close to losing We'll give time the last half-hour of this show free with a full tank of gas.
- The critics are still - The critics don't pay our bills.
And the critics aren't "still" anything.
Last couple of weeks, half of them have been beating up Matt like he's an event at the damn X Games.
You wanna talk to me? You wanna talk to me? Talk to me.
- But this is big-boy school.
- I don't need to be told that.
I'm not insensitive to your situation.
Which is why I'm telling you, if you want Hallie to sit down What's it take for you to stop waving Hallie? The 10,000 viewers a minute he's losing.
- Excuse me.
- Mary, I heard you were here.
- More depo prep.
Friday night? Got a board member in the morning in New York.
- Have you met Jack Rudolph? - No.
Mary Tate.
- I'm with the Gage Whitney team.
- The Karen Salisbirk thing.
Can I opt to not be a part of this until I absolutely have to? Yes, sir.
See how she called me "sir" and did it in a dulcet voice? Yes, I did.
You wanted to be kept up to speed.
- How far along are you? - Seven months, a little more.
- Know what you're having? - A little girl.
- We? I thought that - Yeah, I - I'm sorry.
- I meant me.
- None of my business.
So? - You're a lawyer.
- Yeah.
They'll amend the complaint with a retaliatory claim.
- Defamation? Yeah.
Potential employer, a producer, Spitzer, called Matt for feedback on Salisbirk.
Matt told him she was fired for performance but was suing for wrongful termination and harassment and that she was bad news.
- Wasn't he exercising free speech? - He was.
And he's cute when he does it too.
Yeah, Matt's cute as a bug.
Give me a heads up when he's over Harriet.
Mary? - Sorry.
Yeah, in California, you're not allowed to do what he did.
He said she was fired because of her performance.
He was asked for a recommendation.
But he didn't know that to be true, he wasn't there.
He guessed.
Matt Albie's guess in this situation is extremely credible.
Doesn't matter.
All he knows for sure is when she started work and when she stopped, and that's all he's allowed to say.
- They've got defamation, earnings - That's a crazy ass law.
I know.
That's what makes this so fantastic to work on.
- Glad we could show you a good time.
- And with the con-law implications this thing's an express train to the U.
Supreme Court.
My partners and I would do this one for free.
But you're not.
And that train's gonna take seven years.
- So can you get us off? - No sweat.
I'm gonna watch the show.
In a related story, Mr.
Samson's next-door neighbor has procured the world's largest snow machine.
Thank you to our "News 60" weather expert Tom Jeter.
And finally: According to a report by Department of Housing and Urban Development racial disparities in income, education and home ownership persist and by most measurements, are growing.
Last year, the median income for white households was $50,622.
For black households, it was $30,939.
And an off-the-charts sick amount for Jews in Hollywood.
- I'm Harriet Hayes.
And I'm Simon Stiles.
That's the news.
- I said snow machine, you hear that? No.
I said snow machine instead of snowblower.
There was silence where laugh was supposed to be.
Don't worry.
I am worried.
You're not the reason.
- We should do more frat stuff.
Like what? Catch phrases.
Anything you can sit and chant over a beer bong.
Should open with "Thai Therapist.
" That outfit.
- What is going on? - I said snow machine.
I don't - What is going on? We're talking about the show.
Did you hear Danny say he doesn't want us talking about ratings on this stage? - Did you hear him? Sim.
- I got another call from Tom's parents.
- When? I had my cell on vibrate.
I just called them back.
They got a call from the parents of another guy.
They haven't gotten a check-in either.
I have the worst feeling about this.
- Then keep it to yourself.
- No.
- We're telling him now.
- No, we're not.
- Simon - Nobody knows anything.
Unit's out working.
They don't come on the San Diego Freeway.
They come home on roads with bombs.
What good would it do to tell him? Maybe Tom's got a contact he can call who's got information.
If Tom has a more advanced information gathering and tracking system than the Air Force, be my guest.
In addition to whatever unnecessary fear you'll shoot into him he'll have the memory of walking through sketches like a zombie on national TV when he's heavy in the last two-thirds.
- This is where we get in trouble.
- Talking about the ratings? - I'm talking about - Are you kidding me? If there's something they need to tell him, he'll be - They'll tell him.
- Okay.
And, yeah, I worry about my job.
I don't have a movie at Christmas.
Two and a half back.
Everything's all right.
Yo, Norma Rae? Me? You told Karen Salisbirk a writers' room is a tough place for a woman? Her sketch got cut.
I was making her feel better.
They're gonna ask you when you were lying.
I wasn't lying.
I made her feel better by telling the truth.
- Writers' room is a tough place for a? Yes.
- Why? - Why? Yeah.
Because fundamentally, women are taught not to be funny.
- Because it's not attractive.
- It is to me.
- Good.
- It was attractive to Joe DiMaggio.
No, it wasn't attractive to Joe DiMaggio, Matt.
- What's a snow machine? - Ask Tom.
Tom! Musical guest to the stage.
Are you all right? Yeah, I just came here for a second.
Told me.
Sounded like you needed to lie down.
I'm fine.
Go back downstairs.
- I got a minute.
- Go back.
I have a minute.
I've done this a couple times before.
"I asked you not to open with the war"? - What the hell was that? - That? - Yeah.
It was a note.
From the president of the network.
I asked you not to open with the war.
Yeah, war's a bummer, huh? Well, it used to be money in the bank.
You're the one having this argument.
I'm the one saying go produce your show.
The one throwing my body in front of Jack.
- We've averaged a 5-7/19 over - Over five months.
Over two, it's a 4-8 and the half-hours are simply unacceptable.
- Then we need to talk about this.
- We will.
I asked you not to open with the war.
And you know what else? You shouldn't have, but you did it.
You did it because I asked you not to.
That's just messed up.
And we're taking down a lot a good people with us.
Now get your ass back on the floor.
Back in 30.
Thirty seconds live.
Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Gran Bel Fisher.
Wow, there that goes The baby she's a-hatin' Slammin' doors And the problem is her man He just don't understand She's needin' him But he's outside, he's wonderin' why And how he lucked out To finally find a baby that's all Different kinds of crazy just like him When you're locked out Who's gonna let you in? She shines like a halo of light And then burns the whole place down He's chasin' the time of his life But it's goin' on right now Let it shine, let it ride Crash and burn You got me in trouble with Matt.
- Hi.
- I'm Harriet Hayes.
- I know, I'm a big fan.
I'm Mary Tate.
- I know.
You're one of them troublemakers.
I am, but I work for you.
Not for me, nobody's suing me.
This band is great.
Did you wanna talk to me? - Promised I wouldn't till after the show.
- I'm done.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Thanks, because they're waiting for me.
This will just take a second.
- You knew Karen Salisbirk? Yeah, a very little.
She wrote a sketch you were in? It got cut at dress.
And you told her that a writers' room is a tough place for a woman? She'd just got her sketch cut.
I was making her feel better.
So you were lying to her? - Say, "Yes, I was lying to her.
" - I'm "Lying" is a big word for me.
There's no law against telling someone their hair looks great when you think it doesn't.
- Good.
Just a law against doing it under oath.
Is the writers' room here a tough place for a woman? - It was then.
- Yeah? - It's not now.
- You're not being sued now.
- I'm not being sued.
- They'll take your deposition.
- Can I call you Harriet? - Yeah.
They'll take your deposition.
These aren't the world's greatest answers.
- How tough? Mary.
I am sure that Karen was fired because she wasn't writing good material.
You're not sure and don't make Matt's mistake and repeat that.
- How tough? - Wes Mendell is a very good man.
I know.
How tough? Ricky and Ron ran a bad room.
You're talking about a pack mentality of guys age 25 to 33 who'd never been let into the pack.
Not a lot of comedy writers dated the prom queen.
These guys wrote to be mean.
All right.
We'll talk more after? - Sure, the party's here on-stage.
- Thanks.
- Hey, why does Matt write? - I'm sorry? Said the others were writing to be mean.
Why does Matt write? Matt writes to get people to like him.
Yeah? It's working on you, isn't it? Two and a half back for "Thai Therapy" and good-nights.
- Samantha Li, Dylan Killington, places It was a great show.
Thank you.
- I didn't see you.
It was a great show.
- What you doing? It's for the party.
Free alterations are a great perk of this job.
- I'm showing you a little leg tonight.
- I'm all for that.
- You were great tonight.
- No, I wasn't.
Honey - No, I don't know what is going on here.
You're being too hard on yourself.
You know who isn't hard on themselves? Amateurs.
- It was a good show.
It wasn't the one we wanted.
- You guys need to calm down.
- You know who's calm? - Amateurs? - Yes.
I like showing off for you.
It didn't happen tonight.
Yes, it did.
If it wasn't the show we wanted, I'm partly to blame.
- Yeah, but you got the legs.
- True.
What are you doing? - What? What are you doing? - We're talking.
- About ratings? - What are you, the police? Disabuse Tom of the idea that he wasn't good tonight.
- Can't do it.
- Simon? A snow machine? - I know.
Snowblower is what's funny.
- I know that too.
- Nice dress.
- Excuse me, eyes front.
Thank you.
Let me talk to you a second.
I am crazy about her, man.
I mean, really.
I had a bad show, people are talking about us like we're dead.
I feel really bad and I still feel great, and it's because of her.
Let's have a good time and relax at the party, okay? You and me, we've gotta enjoy more moments in our lives.
- I agree.
- What'd you wanna say to me? Full cast, stand by for good-nights.
- Nothing.
- What? I can't remember.
I'll remember later.
Let's go.
Coming back in five, four, three A heavenly Oriental odyssey awaits on Far East Airport Road next to Stuckey's.
Call Samantha Li's Thai Therapy.
Because doesn't everyone deserve a happy ending? That's our show, everybody.
You've been great.
Thank you to Gran Bel Fisher.
Thank you to the cast and crew.
Thanks, Danny Tripp, Matt Albie.
Thank you, Los Angeles.
Good night.
- Give them to me.
- What? - Give them to me now.
- What are you talking about? Give me the pills.
I'm a drug addict.
I have to be one the rest of my life.
I'll beat you to a bloody pulp before I let - Where are the pills? - You might wanna calm down.
Maybe I will.
What are you taking, Matt? Percocet? Vicodin? Did you discover OxyContin? I hope you're crushing them down.
That's what defeats the time release, gets you high right away.
Look up hydrocodone.
Takes 200 hours to get addicted.
Taking the pills messes you up? That's nothing compared to not taking them.
If you do it, do it right.
Get an eight ball, cook it with baking powder.
Let it cool into a rock and smoke it.
Where are they? - What the hell are these? - Flintstones vitamins.
- These are Flintstones vitamins - I like the Bamm-Bamms.
- You got a problem with that? - Suzanne said you were taking pills.
I was.
- Till when? - About an hour ago.
- What have you been taking? - Anything.
I stopped now.
I'm not writing the show any better high than I was straight.
- You were writing it worse.
- I know that.
And you're done? Yeah.
What are you doing? Drinking orange juice.
Let's end the fight.
I'm sorry I told you to get your ass back on the stage.
And I'm sorry that I said Or did I can't think of anything I'm sorry I said or did.
- It's nice when we can meet halfway.
- You know There are times when I'm gonna have to talk to you like a showrunner and there are times when you're gonna have to talk to me like I'm the president of your network.
- Give me notes.
- Danny.
Show's over.
Give me notes.
You're skewing urban.
Increase red state appeal.
You're skewing older, you need to get 18 to 24 back, you need women.
- Your note is get people to watch it.
- They pay you? - Shove it up your ass.
- That's how you talk to the others? - That's how I talk to you right now.
- Why'd you open with the war? It was in the news.
Felt like a good cold open.
Sometimes we're wrong.
Don't think we were.
When I see your press-room set, I know what's coming.
When I surf YouTube, I don't.
Then surf YouTube.
What do you want from me? Excuse me, can I get another orange juice? - Sure.
- Lf you've got a carton there, I'll take it.
- Sure.
- What's with orange juice? I want you to stop saying, "What do you want from me?" You had Samantha Li at the end of the show instead of the beginning.
- You did an entire "News 60 " - Stop it, please.
We're losing viewers because the show hasn't been good.
People aren't saying, "Did you see S 60 on Friday?" - Why? - Time.
- What does that mean? - Matt hasn't been writing till Wednesday.
- Why? - I'm working on it.
- Why? - I'm working on it, Jordan.
- In the meantime Ma'am.
- Thank you.
Please look at history and see that this show's numbers have always gone up.
And seriously, are you gonna drink that whole carton? Yeah.
Why? I can't feel the baby kick.
- What are you talking about? - I haven't felt her.
And if I drink orange juice, usually, I can get her to - Come with me.
What? - Come with me.
What? That's three hours from now.
There's nothing preliminary? I said, there's nothing preliminary? No early? I'm just talking about the East Coast.
No, I guess I don't understand.
They can tell who won an election in two and a half minutes.
Why can't Nielsen tell us how many? No, I'm not taking a tone of voice, I ju Thank you.
Thank you.
Why aren't ratings instantaneous? I know you know I told Danny.
I know you know I know.
- You're gonna stop? I already did.
- Really? - Yeah.
And you're not mad at me? I'm mad at me.
You're gonna crash now, you know.
You're gonna feel terrible.
- That's what they tell me.
- It's gonna be worse than they tell you.
Your body produces serotonin and endorphins and other things that allow the brain to experience pleasure and a sense of well-being.
- Yeah? - When you take those pills long enough your body stops producing those because something else already is.
- I know.
It's gonna take a while for it to get back up to speed.
In two hours, Miss America could stand in front of you naked and hand you a Pulitzer Prize and you'd be depressed.
Well, let's give it a try.
I'm not joking.
- Herb.
- I just looked at the tape.
I said Studio City.
You did.
Why? Just wasn't our night.
Go enjoy the party.
I know you're not joking.
And I appreciate it.
Let me know when you have East Coast overnights.
I will.
- How are you? - Fine, thanks.
You know I talked to Harriet before.
It was during the show, but it wasn't my fault, she started it.
- Anyway, she said - Yes.
- I'm sorry? - I'd like you to be my date tonight.
Unless you'd like to leave and have dinner with me.
- When did this happen? - Right now.
It's happening in real time.
- No? You're still in love with Harriet.
Mary - I've taken 9000 pages of statements.
You don't have to be a lawyer, just a woman.
I'm starting over, I'm moving on.
I have to.
It's that or the Betty Ford Center.
- So, what do you say? - I've heard more romantic reasons for Mensa lady, I'm asking you out to dinner.
You got anything better to do? Again, your poetry is working its magic.
Come on.
I've gotta make the call to New York.
When I'm done yeah, take me out.
- Great.
I know why you're doing this, it's okay with me because you'll find out I'm hot stuff.
- I already think you're hot stuff.
- Oh, well, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Why didn't you tell me? I didn't know when.
- And you were doing a show.
- I was doing a show? What are you looking for? We do about a hundred different doctor sketches, there's gotta be Here.
You gotta be kidding.
- I'll listen for a heartbeat.
Now I've pretty much touched the bottom of the health care industry.
- I can hear a heartbeat.
- How do you know that's not mine? That's a good point.
I'll take you to the emergency room.
I'm not going to the emergency room.
- Yeah, you are.
- They'll think I'm crazy.
I give you a head wound and they can check on that.
Here, let's go.
I need to talk to you.
- We can't talk about ratings.
This isn't about ratings.
There's breaking news.
And we're going on with it in about three minutes.
- Simon.
Where's Tom? - Relaxing, celebrating because lately - Where is he? - What happened? - Know where he is? - What happened? - Three soldiers were ambushed on a road in Paktika, Afghanistan.
One of them is Mark Jeter.
Al Jazeera - Is he dead? He's a hostage.
- There's some graphic video He's up on the roof.
Nielsen finally decided to put boxes in college dorms.
You know how many? A hundred and thirty-five.
A hundred and thirty-five college students are pretty heavily involved with our career right this minute, but I'm happy anyway.
Because of my legs.
I was gonna say something nicer, but, yeah, your legs.
And can I just add that "snowblower" isn't a hard word to say? I've said it many times without any sort of problem.
- Right.
- Snowblower.
I just said it right there.
Pretty easy.
- Hey.
Tom, we have a car that's gonna take you to our newsroom where Tom! That's him.
In the middle.
They said their names.
It doesn't look like him.
He was beaten up.
There could be another Mark Jeter.
Staff sergeant, First Expeditionary Red Horse Squadron out of Bagram.
These things turn out okay.
They say they're demanding Tom.
- Oh, my God.
All right.
We're taking you to the L.
You'll know everything the moment network news does.
A plane is picking your parents up now.
Where would you like it to take them? Here or New York? - Here, please.
Let's go.
- God, that guy's holding an ax.
Come on, come on.
- Had anything to drink at the party yet? No.
Drive Jordan to the Hollywood Memorial Emergency Room.
She'll tell you why on the way.
Let's go.
- Call as soon as you get there.
- Call if you hear anything.
Yeah, yeah.
What do you wanna do now? Stay right here.
Have Suzanne quietly bring the cast together.
Why is Jordan going to the hospital? She can't feel the baby kick.
Are you all right? Yeah.
Are you? Yeah.
But the first person who talks to me about tonight's ratings is fired.