Superstore (2015) s03e01 Episode Script

Grand Re-Opening

1 The National Weather Service has issued a heightened tornado watch.
Everybody stay inside! We are gonna lock this place down! Dear lord Jesus, in your infinite power and compassion, please save us! I love you, Jeff! I didn't want to die without letting you know how I feel! Hey! Sandra! [Screaming] Sandra! Dear Allah, in your infinite power and compassion, please save us from destruction.
Thank you for being there for me and for keeping me calm.
Of course.
Anytime.
[drone of heavy equipment] I hope you all had an amazing vacation.
By "vacation," you mean the two months we were laid off without pay? Uh-huh.
Anyways, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching - since the tornado, and - Coming through! Almost got me there.
And and it's been raising some big questions for me.
Questions like Questions that Why did the tornado hit us? And why did it stop when I prayed to Allah? - And why - Ah! Sorry.
I almost fell.
Does that mean that Allah is the one true god? Or that Allah and Jesus are the same god? Or or that they're different gods, but with varying responsibilities? What's the meaning of [jackhammer buzzing] What's the [jackhammer buzzing] So that's what I've been thinking about.
Anyone else have thoughts on that? Okay, then.
Let's get to work! What was that, a 20-minute walk? Remember, single file when we cross the highway.
- Are we cloud one? - [All] No.
[upbeat music] Wow, that's really bad luck.
Yeah, it well, it wasn't just my apartment.
The tornado leveled the whole building, so Scary.
Were you in it at the time? No, I was here, at the time.
Oh, right.
Blonde moment.
Yeah, so anyway, everything I own is gone, and now I'm I'm living in a FEMA trailer.
So in a way, you're officially trailer trash now? Well, I am living in a trailer, so Ha.
Admits it.
Oh.
Why don't you move into Garrett's apartment? No! No.
I mean nah.
Jonah doesn't want to live with a roommate.
He's an adult.
Yeah, no.
I I mean, I I would, I would love that, but I would never I would never impose.
But I mean, it wouldn't be a problem.
I could do it.
It's just that it's really cramped.
Sure, sure, yeah.
Oh.
I thought you had a two-bedroom.
Ah, okay.
Sure, yes, you know, if you want to get architectural about it, then yes, I do have a second bedroom, but, when you use a wheelchair, you need multiple bedrooms.
Oh.
Why? Safety.
Excuse me.
Gotta go.
[loud crash] Oops.
Sorry.
[rustling] Back at it, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, it's like we never left.
[laughs weakly] So, uh, how are things at home? Emma.
How's how's Emma? Awesome.
Yeah, she's starting high school.
Oh, wow.
Uh, that's exciting.
Teenager.
- I know.
I know, right? - Look out! Oh boy.
[laughs] Uh So, we we never talked about the Do we have to? [stammering] Oh, yeah, no, I mean, I'd rather not, if you don't need to.
No! I don't.
I don't need to.
Great.
Yeah, no, I don't need to either.
No, yeah.
Same.
Same Same team.
Just, uh, you know.
Didn't want [inhales] Things to be awkward.
- No! Awkward.
- Pfft.
It's not awkward.
It's fine.
I'm fine.
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- You are fine.
I mean fine, like you're I am superfine.
- Hey, Marcus! - Marcus! Hey, what's going on, buddy? Just carrying some stuff.
[laughs] Classic Marcus.
Hang out! Yeah, I'm glad they hired you back.
Okay.
Thanks.
I will.
Hey, listen, I've been thinking we should kick Mateo out of the friend group.
So, maybe they're the same god, but with different responsibilities.
- Yes, can we table that? - Oh, sure.
I just want to make sure that, construction aside, you're going to be ready for the opening.
Oh, don't worry.
I got your email right here.
Uh, we got door prizes, and Minions for the kids, and Howie Mandel's coming? No, not the head of marketing.
The comedian.
Same name.
Oh.
Well, relax.
I'm not going to let you down.
Good.
I'll see you today at 3:00.
Oh.
Why're you coming at 3:00? For the opening.
Uh-huh.
It says, "Bring back the staff" a week before the grand opening, on the 28th.
" Today's the 28th.
Well, he couldn't be more clear! Yes! He could've said "The grand opening, which is on the 28th.
" This makes the 28th sound like the start date! "Bring back the staff a week before the grand opening "on the 28th.
" Yeah, this is confusing.
No! "Bring back the staff a week before" the grand opening on the 28th.
" He didn't say it like that.
You're adding emphasis.
Okay, guys.
We just need to figure out what we're going to do.
Or as Dina would put it, "We need to figure out what we're gonna do.
" Maybe I would.
Maybe I would say it like that.
Yeah, well good luck in radio.
Attention, employee Attention.
Test.
Testing.
Ah, damn it.
[shouting] Listen up, everybody! We're opening today in, like, four hours! So that means we need to be ready in, like, four hours! To be honest, I don't think we can do that.
Just doesn't seem possible.
It's not something that can be accomplished.
But that's just my opinion, though.
All right.
Peace! Okay, so we don't have much time, which means we need to stock the shelves with the big items first, and Wait.
What if we just set up one aisle, take a picture of it, blow that bad boy up life-sized, and then just slap it over all the other aisles? Boom.
Uh-huh, maybe.
Look, we can always redo stuff tomorrow, so for now, it's better to do things fast and bad than slow and good.
But fast and good is better.
What are you doing? What? Fast and good is better than fast and bad.
Yes, but for now, we're gonna prioritize speed.
Okay.
I'm I'm prioritizing both.
You can't prioritize both! Forget it.
Just make the place look as good as possible before Jeff gets here.
Wait.
Jeff is coming today? Yep.
How about slow and bad? Ugh.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What is going on here? - Oh, I, uh I can't shower in the mornings because Cliff, in the adjoining trailer, only takes baths.
Well, gotta do what you gotta do.
Yeah.
It's it's just until I find a place, or someone who will let me stay with them, so Mm-hmm.
Well, I'ma Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you do you.
Yeah.
- What'd you say? - Huh? Oh, I I thought you said something.
I didn't say anything.
All right.
We are looking for Minions costumes only.
What in the name of God is "Lego Ninjago?" Excuse me.
Just hang on.
Uh, we're closed.
You're going to need to come back at 3:00.
[laughs] I'm not a customer.
I'm Howie.
Mandel.
I was told to be here at 11:00.
Oh, you're working here? Yeah, kinda.
Oh, damn it.
God! I hate when they don't tell me about new hires.
Okay, find yourself a vest and a name tag and go help Leonard in produce.
[to phone] Sorry about that.
I'm Howie Mandel.
Yeah, that's fine.
Tell payroll.
Vest.
Tag.
Produce.
Go! What [sighs] "America's Got Talent"? I don't know what you're asking me.
Okay.
Wow.
Okay, you're going to have to redo the whole thing.
I'd have to take everything off the shelf to move it.
Well, then it's a bad day to be Earl, isn't it? - [sighs] - Don't sigh! I can hear you sighing! - Glenn.
- What? We don't have time to restock a whole shelf.
Exactly.
See, Earl? Now you've pissed off Amy, too.
Sometimes I think the whole world's incompetent.
You know what, Glenn? I am so glad that you finished writing your speech so quickly, so that you could be here to supervise everything.
- My speech? - Well, yeah, I mean, obviously you're going to have to speak at the ribbon cutting.
Obviously.
Don't worry! We'll do the best we can without you.
[quietly] Leave the shelf where it is.
- [sighs] - Not today, Earl.
What am I going to say to Jeff? He never called me back.
Maybe he didn't get the message.
Maybe he couldn't hear you over the tornado.
Well, I don't even know if I want him to have heard me.
- It's complicated.
- Mm.
My boyfriend Jerry got hit in the head by a mailbox during the tornado.
He's been in a coma ever since.
I visit him every day to read to him.
I'm on the fifth Harry Potter book, and Ooh! You know what we could do? Maybe we could do a test in front of one of those big fans to see if he could hear you.
God, that's an amazing idea! He's off the breathing tube.
That's good.
Okay, I need three of you to help me unload a truck.
Don, Marcus, and Myrtle.
Meet me in back in five.
Tough luck, dude.
Ah, it's fine.
Oh, hey, listen.
I heard about your living situation and if you want, you can crash with me.
Wow.
Uh, that's That's really nice, Marcus.
Thank you.
Yes! The horsemen! Living together! Partying hard.
Luring ladies back to the pad.
I'm sorry.
"Luring?" [laughs] Hilarious.
You know what I mean.
I don't, actually.
You're a crazy man.
We're going to be on fire.
Chicks are going to be banging down the door, and we'll be like, "Please, ladies, one at a time.
" One at a time, as in there's there's two of us and one of them? No.
[Laughs awkwardly] Hey, uh, Garrett.
Um, I'm supposed to give a speech later, and I'm a little nervous about it, uh, given that I'm sorry.
I'm a little embarrassed to say.
- Your voice.
- What? No.
Not Given that I didn't prepare anything.
What's wrong with my voice? Nothing.
You have a nice voice.
Garrett, I'm not a child.
If there's something wrong with my voice, you can just tell me.
Okay.
Um Some people not me, but some people might find your voice, octave-wise, to be the teeniest, tiniest, bit High.
[comically high] What? - Yeah.
- Who? Uh, anyone with ears.
That's everybody.
Yeah, it's high.
[upbeat, bustling music] Hi, I'm Glenn.
This is my voice.
How come no one ever told me that I sounded like that? We thought you knew.
But that's not how I sound on the inside! On the inside, I sound like, [no difference] "Hi, I'm Glenn.
" That's the same voice.
Not what you hear.
What I hear.
Okay, I found a costume shop with two Minion costumes.
Do I have a weird voice? Yeah.
It's preposterous.
Anyway, I guess they were rented for some birthday party, but the kid was murdered or kidnapped, or changed his mind or something.
I don't know.
I wasn't listening.
The point is, you two should go right now and pick them up.
- What? Why us two? - Together? We have a lot to do.
All right? Henry can't be around children.
Marcus is on his third DUI.
Elias is afraid of Minions.
Nobody knows where Brett is! Uh, wow.
This is the worst.
Sorry, no, I no.
I just meant that that this This is the worst.
[sucks teeth] You want to listen to a podcast? Sure.
My phone got stolen from my trailer.
I thought you were going to say "no.
" I love you! I love you! Can you hear me? I love you! I love you! I'm just doing a test.
I don't even really know how I feel about it for sure.
I mean, it's complicated.
I'm Mateo! Okay, man.
Okay, man.
See you around! [mouths words] So hot.
Like me is going insane Insane in the mainframe Listen, uh I'm sorry I didn't know who you were before.
I'm not super up on pop culture.
Don't worry about it.
Look at us.
An hour ago, I had no idea who you were, and now we're flirting.
[laughs] Well, you should probably get back to straightening around the registers.
[laughs] What's funny? You're being serious? I'm sorry.
Am I supposed to say "Action" or something? [sputters weakly] Look, I get that you're still with Adam, and I Can we please not talk about Adam? Hey! Are we just, like, not friends anymore? Yes.
Of course we're friends.
Nobody said we're not friends.
Friends don't sit in a car for 43 minutes in complete silence.
Friends have conversations.
They talk.
Okay, Jonah, let's talk.
We kissed, and now everything's awkward and loaded, and I don't how to be around you.
Is that the conversation you want to have? Didn't think so.
[low and distorted] It is my pleasure to welcome you to Cloud 9! [normally] What do you think? Uh, try saying "We have your son.
$1 million or he dies.
" [low and distorted] We have your son.
$1 million or he dies! That's tight.
How's it going with the ribbon? Well, I'm six minutes into this video on how to tie a fancy bow, and this guy's still talking about his cat! It's like, "We get it.
You're gay.
" And these are the biggest scissors I could find.
We can't cut a giant ribbon with these! Okay, we'll be ready in about an hour.
An hour? The opening is now.
Ooh, then you're going to need to stall big-time.
Hey, guys.
Everybody excited for the big day? How's it looking inside? Different.
No, no, no.
I want to show you something over here.
- Over here? - Yeah.
Okay.
- Right here? - Yeah.
Beautiful rug.
Good for him.
It's my great pleasure to welcome you to Cloud 9.
Thank you, Glenn.
That was beautiful.
Thank you very much.
Um, okay, hey, listen.
Let's cut that ribbon and check it out! [understated applause] But first, the comedic stylings of Mr.
Howie Mandel! [applause] Uh This, uh, event was set up by my, uh, appearance agent, not my, uh, performance agent.
Performing is a whole different negotiation, so, uh Thank you, everybody.
[quiet applause] Then I guess I guess I'll keep talking.
6:31.
6:30.
6:29.
How is this helping? How is you asking "how it's helping" helping? 6:22.
6:21.
[items shattering] - Okay, okay, okay.
- Ow.
Ooh! - You're gonna break the Minion.
- Don't break the Minion.
When you get to hour two, minute twelve, of "Pirates of the Caribbean," you can see one of the pirates is wearing a watch.
That's a that's a goof.
[vacuum whirring] I can't hear you! - Here you go.
You stand still! - Ow! [pills rattling] - This is the wrong arm.
- Just go.
Can can you tell other people's jokes? No.
Can I? I I guess.
I don't know any.
Ah! I'm gonna fall.
Oh, oh, okay.
[clock beeps down] ["La Cucaracha" plays] Get thirsty, amigos.
Welcome back, shoppers.
I'm sure you're all very excited that we've reopened.
Or more likely, you don't care at all, 'cause it's just a store.
Badabadbadaba.
"Badabadabadaba?" What Really? I've never seen the movie.
I thought they spoke gibberish.
They speak a blend of pidgin languages mixed with gibberish, but "badabadbadaba," that's almost racist.
[both chuckle] Banana.
Banana.
Beep-boop-bop-bop-boop.
I'm getting divorced.
Oh.
Um We woke up the morning after the tornado, and realized just because we were happy to see each other alive, didn't mean that we should stay married.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Well, I'm I'm here, you know, if you ever want to talk, or Do you want to have sex? Uh - I'm joking! - Yeah, obviously, you're joking.
I knew you were I'm not - Are you blushing? - Big-time, yeah.
[sighs] Jeff.
Mateo.
Hey.
How you been? Good, thanks.
Yeah, I'm in a good place.
You know, I've been hitting the gym pretty hard.
Doing a lot of Zuh-MBA.
Um, I just need to ask you something.
Did you get a voice mail, by chance? Oh, sorry, one second.
Uh, ooh, I have to take this.
It's Chad.
- Your ex, Chad? - Yes.
We got back together.
Hey, sweetie.
Mm, just real quick.
It's pronounced Zumba, okay? And your toupee, it's garbage.
You look like a fry cook.
[music playing over loudspeakers] [hollow thud] Okay, well, this is going to be fun.
Now, do you want to room with Timur or Jacob? Timur's a sweetheart, but he does have night terrors.
On the other hand, Jacob is really quiet, but in a scary way.
Sometimes you wake up and he's just standing over you.
All right.
You can stay with me.
Really? Are you are you sure? No, I'm definitely not sure, but whatever.
Oh, okay.
Well, if anything changes, the men's bathroom key also works on my front door.
- Okay, roomie.
- House rules.
Do not touch my video game stuff.
No talking during "Game of Thrones.
" No cooking fish.
And leave me out of your coffee-making process.
I'll have to, because it's a French single press.
I do not like fragrant soaps, on Wednesday, my black friends come over, so do not be around.
What else? Parking spots.
You don't get one.