Superstore (2015) s06e01 Episode Script

I just don't understand
why you have to move to California.
Because the job is with Zephra,
and Zephra's in California.
Okay, maybe I'm not following,
because my whole face has gone numb,
and I just hear my own blood.
Wait. Is Jonah going too?
I think I would have gotten the heads up
if Jonah were leaving,
and I didn't, so he's not,
so we can just stop talking about it.
Actually, uh, yes. I am. I'm going, so…
-Ahh.
-[bleep] Yeah!
[laughing]
Together, baby!
All you [bleep] haters can suck it!
So, when do you become a soulless suit,
and forget about the little guy?
No, it's not…
The whole job is being
a liaison to Cloud 9,
so I'm still gonna be working
with you guys.
And they're still ironing out the details,
but it'll probably be soon.
[Dina] Damn it!
Oh, not the California thing.
I already knew about that.
I actually knew before Jonah.
So, no big deal.
But, uh, Brian just texted.
We're supposed to be going to
the Aloha Thunder Indoor Waterpark
for a sex weekend,
but it turns out they're closing.
Seems like this coronavirus deal
is spreading.
Whoa! The NBA just announced
they're suspending the season.
-[Glenn and Amy] What?
-Wow.
More cases are popping up
in Oregon, Washington, New York…
[gasps]
You guys, Tom Hanks has it!
[all murmuring]
What about Rita?
Does it say anything about Rita?
-Ahh, damn.
-[all groan]
[upbeat music]
[Amy] And Zephra is adamant that
we follow the CDC recommendation
of washing your hands
for a full 20 seconds.
Twenty seconds?
That's, like, literally forever.
It's about the length
of two "Happy Birthdays."
-So just sing that, and you'll be fine.
-Yeah, but whose name do we insert?
I have a friend named Ty,
and I have a friend
named Alexandrina Geneviva.
Those are two
wildly different time frames.
Just say the name Emma.
Oh, God. Is this your way of making us
sing "Happy Birthday" to Emma,
because all of her friends ditched her
on her birthday this year?
No, that didn't happen.
Emma is very popular,
and she's dating
a very cute boy named Braydon.
[Amy] Very cute.
I don't mean cute like I think he's hot,
because I'm an adult,
and that would be weird.
Whatever, it just… Wash your hands!
There's a virus.
Hey, any update on when
you two lovebirds are moving to Cali?
Well, um, with all of this craziness,
they've pushed my start date.
So it's all a little up in the air.
Just like this virus.
[scoffs]
Just kidding. It's not airborne.
Well, we don't know that.
It could be. Anyway.
Oh, my God. Hey, everyone's overreacting.
I mean, no friggin' way I'm missing out
on spring break this year.
Actually, the latest articles are saying
that washing your hands isn't enough.
We should be wearing face coverings,
avoiding large groups.
Like, say, 50 plus employees,
and an endless stream of customers?
[gasps]
That sounds like here.
Yeah, um… I'll call Zephra.
I'm sure they have more guidelines for us.
But for now, they want everybody to know
that, "We value our employees' dedication.
You are essential, and the true heroes
during this chaotic time."
[Glenn] Excuse me?
The SVP of Company Communications,
Sandy Sugarman, just called us "heroes"?
It's about damn time.
-[Dina chuckling]
-Yeah!
Are we still heroes
if we definitely wouldn't be here
if we didn't have to be?
I can keep this, right?
You don't care if I keep this, do ya?
Get up, come on
Get down with the sickness ♪
Get up, come on
Get down with the sickness… ♪
What happened to the café?
Oh, um, the governor shut down
all indoor dining.
Damn. This is my favorite restaurant.
Uh, are you, are you serious?
-Jonah, just let it go.
-No. No, no, no.
Today's restaurant landscape?
Have you tried Barrell and Sage?
If you give me your email address,
I can send you my list.
-[whistle blows]
-Let's go, sir. No lingering.
Just pick a conditioner, and keep moving.
Nope, nope. You're fine, sir.
Take all of the time you need.
Ah, he's just putting on a show.
We all know he's just using it
to masturbate.
Okay, Dina.
Our customers are already on edge.
They don't need us blowing whistles
and yelling at them about masturbation.
Hard disagree. You heard Sugarman.
We are essential.
Customers are like sheep
looking for guidance.
Without leaders,
sheep start to eat each other.
So, unless one of us leads,
this place is gonna be littered in haggis
from here to Sunday.
All right, soft hands. Get goin'.
Sorry. Where's the bottled water?
Oh, that'll be in grocery.
Just down there, and to your left.
-Thanks.
-Oh, come on.
I'm not a hero.
I'm not a hero!
I guess I'm kinda lucky,
because now that
all concerts are shut down,
I don't have to throw
that huge, illegal music festival
for my birthday that I charge people for.
I don't think I knew about that.
Oh, really? Tickets are still available.
You should check it out.
Hey, they still have some!
Oh, um, sir? If you just wanna wait,
we're gonna, um…
If you just give us one second…
We're gonna put it out, so just be chill.
-[indistinct chatter]
-Attention shoppers.
We ask that you please
not physically wrestle things
from your fellow customers,
there's a highly contractable virus
out there that our country
does not have a hold of.
None of y'all are listening, huh?
All right. Enjoy the apocalypse.
Looks like the sheep
are starting to eat each other.
Do sheep eat each other?
Isn't that what haggis is?
I don't know, Dina said something.
Hey, Mateo?
Did Zephra get back to me
about the guidelines?
Oh, yeah. They sent over
a very detailed, step-by-step…
[scoffs]
JK, they're drowning over there.
Very helpful. Thank you.
[whimpering]
Sandra? What…
[crowd clamoring]
Okay, well, if they're not gonna help us,
then we're gonna have
to figure this out ourselves.
[whistle blows]
[Amy] Okay, listen up!
Everybody in single-file lines.
The only people grabbing
anything off the shelves
are the employees,
and once you receive your items,
please proceed to checkout.
Okay. Great.
-We've got this under control.
-Oh, yeah. Totally.
I mean, and this is just temporary, so…
Totally! I mean, couple weeks,
we'll be back to normal.
[comical music]
So, whenever at all possible,
you must remain six feet apart.
Well, is it six feet from, like,
the center of our bodies
or from, like, where our bodies end?
Great question.
Um, I'm gonna say start measuring
from nips and tips.
Sorry, are the men measuring
from the nips or the tips?
I think women nips, men tips.
-Yeah.
-So… Oh, ooh.
[Amy] Okay! Thank you, Dina.
So, first off, Marcus tested positive
for COVID after attending
a spring break party on the lake.
So if any of you
have been hanging out with Marcus,
you should leave now.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
I just had to ask.
Okay, um, some good news.
Oh, my God. You're pregnant.
-[gasps]
-Jesus, Amy! Again?
-No!
-Is it Adam's?
-What? No!
-Why would it be Adam's?
-It's usually Adam's.
-I'm not pregnant.
I was going to say Zephra finally
sent over the safety protocols.
Yay.
So, employees must wipe down
the register and credit card machine
after each customer
as well as every rolling cart,
door knob, bathroom door,
electronic device, and product.
Oh, okay. So everything the air touches.
Got it. Easy.
We're also required to wear masks.
Will they be providing us with masks?
Because I just have this one,
and I've been tonguing it like crazy.
Well, don't.
And, no, they're focused
on donating masks and PPE
to local hospitals.
So, no extra protection?
I'm like a sitting duck
in customer service.
You have any idea how wet-lipped
the community is here?
-That's a good point.
-Very moist.
Guys, look. I know that this is hard.
But if anybody needs anything, come to me,
and I will do everything I can
to keep you safe.
Also, Zephra wants to reiterate
that Cloud 9 employees
-are the true heroes of the Zephra family.
-Damn right!
-You got that right!
-No, Glenn! Six feet!
Oh, sorry.
We're limiting toilet paper
to one pack per household.
My kids have separate households.
[scoffs]
There's, like, no way
that baby has its own household.
This is so unfair!
I know, there's never any left for us
to buy at the end of the shift.
Bo and I have had
to start using newspaper.
The ink's starting to turn
our butts weird colors.
Which is cool, but probably not healthy.
What if we set a pack aside
somewhere, out of sight,
then at the end of the day, we split it?
Oh, man. We totally should.
And it's not like we're stealing.
We're still gonna pay for it.
-Of course.
-You know what?
Maybe we should also put aside
some Dinosaur mac and cheese.
Bo's really into science right now.
So, no returns on food, clothing,
or anything that looks open.
Oh, great, more reasons
for the wet-lips to yell at me.
Also, we're out of cleaning spray.
This is the only mask I could find.
-In the whole store?
-Yeah, I think we're sold out.
I mean, most of us are just improvising.
Sayid, I don't think
that's doing anything.
I know, but Nina and I got in a fight,
and she cut up all my masks.
-Damn.
-Okay.
[Amy sighs]
Ahh. Here.
-We'll just say that one was defected.
-Feels like you could have just untied it.
So, what are you gonna do
about everything else?
-[Mateo] You like leopard.
-[Jonah] Here you are.
Not technically gloves, but--
Found more! Here you go.
As long as it's over 60 percent alcohol,
it kills germs.
This is 95. Wow.
Is it even legal to sell this?
Here you go.
You right-handed, left-handed?
We should just send Justine home, right?
I can't handle a full afternoon
of her fake drunk voice.
[mimics Justine]
"You guys wanna see my boobs?"
[giggles]
"The only thing I like
more than beer… is twins."
Maybe it is time for humanity
to wrap it up.
Sorry, man. Looks like
you're gonna have to keep it.
Next.
-We're not heroes.
-Doing our jobs.
Hey, you know,
I was watching the news last night,
waiting to record a blooper for my tape,
and they did this segment
on "Heroes in Your Neighborhood."
And it made me think…
we could be next.
Oh, wow.
I mean, can you imagine?
Someone banging a pot for us?
-Or a pan?
-Ohh.
[sneezes]
[clatters]
Ow, that stings!
Isn't there a lighter setting?
Yeah, but we need to blast
this virus off ya, buddy.
Besides, I've had
this new nozzle for years,
and this is the first time
I've gotten to use it.
[Muzak playing]
[Sayid] Are you hiding those
until after close?
Sandra, you're supposed to be on lookout!
He came from the direction
that I wasn't looking in.
I won't say anything
if you store these for me.
Ugh, okay.
Sisters are doing it for themselves!
Okay! We only need, like, 30 more masks.
Jesus, Mateo.
You don't have to cut out
their eyeballs first.
Oh, I know. I just like it.
[scoffs]
[phone rings]
-That's your line.
-[beeps]
Amy Sosa's office.
[Dennis] Hi, this is Dennis Long
from Zephra.
[softly]
That's my new boss.
Hi, Dennis? Hi, it's Amy.
-Hi, uh, Amy here.
-Hey.
So we know you're
still managing your branch,
but we thought you could
hop on a Zoom call
to help ease you into your new position.
Oh, yeah! Of course. Sounds great.
Amazing. All right, I'll send you
the link, and you can jump on.
Oh, oh. You mean, like, now?
Like, you want me to ease on in now?
-Um…
-Yeah, is that okay?
-Yeah, great.
-Perfect. We'll see you in a sec.
[grunts]
Sorry, guys.
I mean, I should probably
get back to my office,
but I don't wanna just ditch you
for the new job.
Amy, it's fine. It's just a call.
We'll finish the bear massacre.
-[scissors click]
-Okay, thank you.
But, like, let me know
if anything big happens.
Like, bigger than the global pandemic?
I mean, I just saw something
about murder hornets.
So, who knows?
[quirky music]
So, new break room, aka warehouse.
Mixing it up, keeping it fresh.
But properly distanced,
so don't move your chairs.
-Whoo-hoo!
-Yeah, fun! Eh?
It's all so much fun. I'm not scared.
Yeah! Come on, yeah!
Whoo-hoo! I like it, I like it.
Okay, we're gonna keep
this meeting short today,
because I have to jump on another call.
But look at what came today!
Safety supplies!
What is that?
Anti-looting procedures.
-Oh, wow.
-[Amy] Come on.
Of course, you see
what we did wrong, guys?
If you wanted to be protected
by corporate,
you should have been merchandise.
Hey, if the protests are gonna continue,
we need to protect the store from looters.
Oh, come on. The looting is overblown.
Ninety-nine percent of the protests
have been peaceful.
I'm just saying.
I got into a Best Buy through a window.
There are also these signs to put up.
"Zephra believes in the Black community"?
What are we, ghosts?
Yeah, we're not putting any of that up.
But if anybody asks, we put it all up.
Two kettlebells for Sarah,
almond milk for Preeti.
Janet asked for three cans of tuna,
but I think we should make it four.
It's the least we can do
for her these days, because of…
You know.
Racism?
Wow. That is a lot of orders today.
Yeah, well, ever since Sayid blabbed
his mouth to everyone about it,
they keep asking us
to hide things for them.
Okay, but big news of the day?
Just finished Tiger King episode three.
Carol Baskin? Come on, what a trip!
Definitely killed her husband.
-Let's get into it.
-[Cheyenne scoffs]
Yeah, sorry, that was,
like, early pandemic.
No one really cares anymore.
I think we're all embarrassed
we cared in the first place.
Seriously? Ugh! Stupid coronavirus.
I wish I never even went to the ICU.
[Amy] Am I still freezing?
I think the Wi-Fi's better out here.
Hey, Elias coughed,
so Heather locked him in a bathroom.
-Do you think--
-Yep, by the end of the week! Got it.
-Another Zephra call?
-It's nonstop.
I mean, these tech companies love
their presentations.
I've never seen people
so horny for presentations.
-Amy, I dropped my mask in the toilet.
-Justine, she's on--
I didn't pee yet,
but it's still toilet water.
-So is that okay?
-What? No, are you…
Yes, Dennis! I'm still here, hi.
Uh, Amy's on a call.
But if there's no pee--
-Amy, about the ventilation in my office?
-Yes, of course, Mateo.
I promise you we'll talk
about it, I just--
[Corey] Hey, Amy, can I--
Oh, my God, Corey! What?
I was gonna ask if I could clock out early
to go to the "Black Lives Matter" protest?
Um… Yes, I'm so sorry.
That… Of course. You should. Not "should."
I mean, like, you can. If you want.
Anyone who wants to, should. You know?
Whatever you're… Uh-huh!
Cindy, I'm gonna do that right now.
It's always times like these
When I think of you ♪
And I wonder if you ever think of me… ♪
-Ma'am, please.
-But I have a medical condition!
-Hey, what seems to be the problem here?
-This man is harassing me,
-telling me that I have to wear that mask.
-I am only trying to keep you safe.
Ma'am, listen.
You need to put on the mask
or you will be escorted out of the store.
This is America! Okay? I have rights.
You guys are working for Satan,
aren't you?
-Oh, no.
-Huh? yeah?
You're Satan workers!
-Satan?
-[Dina] Here we go.
-Yeah.
-He is the one person
that I would never work for!
Attention shoppers,
we're sorry to announce
we are out of paper towels,
pasta, flour, and--
[thudding]
So just…
-[Sandra] Our stuff!
-[Cheyenne] Hands off, employees only!
I need that pasta sauce.
I have a medical condition!
No, ma'am. Stop!
I'm gonna chase you,
I'm just waiting for six feet.
[quirky music sting]
What happened here?
Uh, if this is upsetting to you,
might I suggest you not look up
at the ceiling tonight?
-Okay. Will do looking up tomorrow.
-Mm-hm.
But, seriously,
why didn't anybody come get me?
Well, I tried,
but you were on another call.
I, I don't know how to be good at this.
I mean, I told everybody to come to me,
and I would take care of them,
but they have me on these calls
all day, every day!
Yeah, well, it's too much, Amy.
They're spreading you too thin.
I mean, we barely even see
each other anymore.
Right, and I'm a terrible girlfriend too.
And an awful mother!
I mean, I see Dennis' kids
more than I see my own.
That's, that's not what I meant.
You're just…
You're in an impossible situation.
We all are.
And, I don't know,
something has to change.
[sighs]
[gasps]
Oh, my God.
You said you wouldn't look up!
[Glenn] Okay, so no morning meeting today.
I'm just gonna hand out shift assignments,
'cause Amy's on another Zephra call.
Not just any call.
A big one. With the CEO.
[inhales]
I forwarded her the link.
Oh! Really? That's a big call.
I didn't know that.
I didn't even see her
before she left this morning.
Seems like Amy's always
on a Zephra call these days.
She's drawn to that new young job.
Old Cloud 9 can't please her
the way we used to
with our creaky joints
and our floppy junk.
[Glenn] Okay, hey. Come on.
Amy might have abandoned us a little,
but we're fine!
You know, everything's fine.
In fact, in my panic dream last night,
the person clubbing me to death
was Topher Grace.
So… little taste of Tinseltown for y'all.
And still, we've managed
to see a huge earning spike
from our Cloud 9 stores.
[Kira] It really speaks to how well
you guys are handling things.
Great job, guys! Way to slay!
[Kira clapping]
Okay, let's hear from marketing.
Oh, um, hey, hi! Hey, Kira. Hi, hey.
Amy Sosa here.
[nervous chuckle]
Um, actually, I just have
a, a little bit of a thing
to add to the Cloud 9 update?
Of course. What's up?
Um, so Cloud 9
isn't actually doing so well.
I mean, I mean that, sure,
the sales are up, but morale is way down.
Our employees aren't only scared,
but they're spending a lot
of their personal time and money
to protect themselves.
So, maybe if Zephra sent over some PPE,
they could focus on doing their jobs
instead of worrying so much
about their own health and safety.
Sorry, Amy.
You froze after, "Cloud 9 isn't"?
Um, I was just saying
that the employees need PPE,
and maybe some of the earnings spike
can go towards them.
Well, yeah. When you put it like that,
that's a really good point.
You know what? Uh.
Let's look into sending masks
and gloves to all our stores.
We gotta have your backs,
'cause you all have been slaying!
Yeah, wow! Great! That's great! Thank you!
You know, it's just so good to know
that you're all really taking care
of your people.
Sorry, Amy. We lost you again.
What'd you say?
Uh, nothing. Never mind.
Marketing, you're up. Slay!
Harmonica wants to play Suck and Blow
at her birthday party,
but I just don't know if it's safe.
Kids are missing out on so much right now.
-Yeah.
-Oh, the beer is for you guys.
Just a small thank you
for all you've been doing.
That's so nice!
We should all drink together after work.
Totally.
Do you think that guy
can get us some Ketamine?
Glenn? What are you doing?
Are you hiding back here?
What? Ha! No. I'm just…
counting the, the pots
on the shelves, you know,
to make sure that we have enough,
and not too many.
Yeah, well, we need your help
back in the store.
Okay, look, I really think the priorities
should be the pots right now.
Okay.
Yeah, you know, I've got to admit,
it's pretty nice back here.
It's kinda getting
a little scary in there.
I guess even us heroes
deserve a little break?
Yeah.
Well, I mean, if you're scared,
you could stay and count pots with me.
Sounds good.
[sighs]
To be clear, I didn't need a break.
I was pretending, because you're scared.
Don't even think for a second
I don't know how many pots are up there.
[Cheyenne] This is actually kinda nice.
It's been a long time
since I've been able to get drunk at work.
We've been so busy.
And you guys
are the only other people I see
besides Jerry and Tony.
But sometimes I wake up
in the middle of the night,
and I think I see my bus driver
lurking over our bed.
[scoffs]
It's probably nothing.
Well, the one good thing about
being relentlessly exposed to this virus
is that we're all doing it together.
No one tell Justine we're here.
Hey, uh…
I know you're probably busy,
but a customer just bought us some beer,
and we are celebrating.
Or numbing the pain.
I can't really tell which.
Well, um, I might actually
have some things to celebrate.
Oh?
First of all, I think I got Zephra
to send us some PPE.
Whoa, that's awesome.
And, um, that was Dennis.
He said that the offices are reopening,
and they're ready to fly me out.
-Shut up.
-I'm going to California.
-What… We're going to California!
-We're going to California!
-This is incredible!
-Yeah!
-You finally get to have one job.
-Thank God.
We can finally start our lives together.
-Yes.
-It's like, real! This is huge!
-So real!
-Ah!
It's… big!
[chuckles]
[somber music]