Superstore (2015) s06e07 Episode Script

Now I know this is your first call
with someone from Zephra,
but don't be intimidated.
They're just regular folks like us
who make six times as much money.
Oh, I'm not nervous. I'm excited.
I'm finally getting my dope uncut
straight from the dealer.
-Ah, yeah.
-[chimes]
-Hey there.
-Warren, hi!
Dina Fox, co-manager.
Glad to be on the team.
We're gonna do great things.
Question for you.
That Zephra CEO, she in a sex cult?
-Dina.
-[Warren] That's okay.
I can't comment on any speculation
as to the personal lives
of Zephra executives.
Say no more.
Can we talk about Carol's lawsuit?
Yeah, what's the move here, Warren?
How are we gonna scrub the lice
out of our hair?
These tend to clean up easy.
You know, I mean,
unless Carol were able to make the case
that she were targeted,
if she were generally unliked,
if people avoided working with her,
that sort of thing.
Yeah, here's, uh,
here's what's fun about that,
Carol is a complete outcast.
But only because she has
such a bad personality.
Well, it really comes down
to what's on record,
so why don't you guys just go ahead,
and review the private messages
on the employee app?
Their private messages?
It's all legal.
All the employees agree
to the terms of service
in order to use the app.
And let's be honest,
keeping tabs on the employees
is the entire point of the app,
am I right?
It is one of many features.
Ah, I like you, Warren.
You're shady,
but in a way that feels legally vetted.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Now, uh, corporate's position
is that Carol hurt herself
due to her own negligence,
so if you all see
any other examples of that,
send them our way.
So, spying on their messages
and spying on Carol in person?
[laughs]
Okay.
Your words, Glenn, not Zephra's.
I gotta jump, guys. Talk soon.
Okay, so there are two of us,
and two tasks.
Both of them feel good to do.
[groans]
I'll take care of both
while you try and regain control
of your sphincter muscle.
I love it!
This is teamwork. We're on fire.
[upbeat music]
[Eric] We need to return this showerhead.
It didn't exactly
"transport us to the rainforest."
[Mateo] Well, most rainforests
aren't between a Guitar Center
and a dumpster full of glass
that gets emptied out twice a day.
-I hate our place.
-[Eric] Hey. I just love that it's ours.
Put it back in the box, still wet, I see.
-[Mateo] Yeah, sorry.
-[Jonah] Eric!
Long time, no chill, son.
What's up with that?
Yeah, I don't know.
Hey, let's get a hang on the books, okay?
Just because Amy's out of the picture
doesn't mean that the boys can't sesh.
Oh, speaking of, Amy wants me
to ship some of her wall art.
I think it's in the garage,
so if you're cool, give me your keys,
-I can head over to the house now.
-[Jonah] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, what's up with you two?
New showerhead, huh?
What's, what's the story there?
Hold on, why would Jonah
have the keys to Amy's house?
-[Jonah] Oh, uh…
-Because he lives there.
You're still living at Amy's?
You said you moved out.
I said I was ramping up to move out.
How long is the ramp?
I'm so sorry,
I didn't know it was a secret.
-It's fine.
-It's not a big deal.
He just didn't wanna tell anyone,
because it's so sad.
No, no, I pay rent, all right?
I'm only living there
because I didn't wanna deal
with moving right now.
And, and I didn't mention it,
because I didn't want any of this, okay?
Please tell me you don't take care
of all of her plants.
They're there, you know?
I'm not just gonna let them die.
Wow.
-Cheyenne.
-Oh, I've been meaning to ask.
I've been floor supervisor a while now,
but I'm still getting paid the same.
Zephra has the paperwork.
They're processing it,
it just takes a little time.
Right. But it's just--
Cheyenne, it's coming, okay?
Don't be greedy.
-That's how Steve Jobs died.
-Oh.
Now, I have a special assignment for you.
I need you to be with Carol all day.
Ew. Why?
It's for Zephra's legal defense.
They're looking to show
that Carol's careless,
and got herself zapped.
So if you see her making any mistakes,
I need you to write them down.
Carol's, like, scary.
I've seen her folding towels
and laughing to herself.
Like, what is that?
Well, listen, this job isn't always fun.
That's why you got that pay raise.
Yeah, but again, I haven't actually--
Cheyenne, I gotta tell you,
this is an ugly color on you.
Pink?
Hey, Jonah, why don't you take a break?
I'll handle this.
Oh, I already took my break,
but thank you.
No, I insist.
Go get a snack or read or have a good cry.
What?
Hey, Jonah.
How you doing, bud?
I'm doing well, thank you, bud.
Um, by any chance,
did either of you hear about my home?
Uh, no.
What's the scoop? New sconces?
Okay, you know what? Look.
Guys, I'm fine, all right?
The breakup was for the best.
We realized we weren't on the same page,
so it was hard,
but we both moved on, okay?
Jonah, I want you to meet two friends
who have always been there for me.
Ben & Jerry.
[sighs]
-It's ice cream.
-I know what Ben & Jerry's is.
Everybody does, Glenn. Thank you.
Ugh, that should be us
living in Amy's place.
You're family, and she's obsessed with me.
She's not gonna kick him out.
They're being, like,
super civil and normal,
-and it's all very boring.
-That is so gross.
I bet he drove her to the airport.
Wouldn't surprise me.
[inhales]
Maybe I could inspire Jonah to move out.
[Eric] Isn't that, like,
kicking him while he's down?
Everyone kicks Jonah when he's down.
It's what we do.
You don't know, you're new.
["Devil's Haircut" by Beck playing]
Heads are hanging from the garbage… ♪
[Dina] I need your tech expertise.
Zephra gave me manager's access
to review employee messages on the app.
Can you hack me into it?
You mean log into the app?
Okay, don't big time me, RadioShack.
Here's my password. Just hack it in there.
[sighs]
Okay.
Oh, that's a cool pic.
Is that Brian on a mountain?
That is my man. He's actually on a hill.
Brian just brings that Kilimanjaro energy.
Nice, Brian.
Okay, there you go.
Didn't even need to hack the mainframe.
You're just gonna tap "employee messages."
"I have to stock grocery. FML."
"FML"?
Rick isn't on Family Medical Leave.
Oh, no, it's internet slang.
It means he doesn't like stocking grocery.
The internet has its own language now?
Okay, I'm gonna need you on this,
because you're gonna have
to translate for me.
-[Garrett] Oh.
-But before we do that,
I'm gonna need you
to hack me back into the app,
because I've somehow hacked
into my home screen.
Guys, seriously, I'm not depressed.
It's gonna be okay, Jonah.
You'll maybe find love again.
I don't know.
Who's gonna want him in this condition?
Okay, is anybody at checkout?
This can't be this interesting.
Actually, Jonah, I believe this will be
the hot juice of the day.
It's really not. It's not hot juice.
You guys talking about how sad
and broken Jonah is?
-Uh-huh.
-[Mateo] I think Amy's house
is Jonah subconsciously clinging
to the relationship.
Wow, that makes so much sense.
In my opinion, Jonah needs to move out
before the real work can begin.
I've already found a ton
of cute places on Zillow.
Will everyone just leave Jonah alone?
He seems happy to me.
Maybe the happiest he's ever been.
[Jonah] Okay, thanks, Marcus,
but I'm pretty sure
I can handle it myself.
[scoffs]
What was that about? We had a deal.
I'm sorry.
-[sighs]
-Wouldn't it make your life easier
if we just told people
I'm living there with you?
Then they'd know
you're not sad and lonely,
-'cause you got me.
-Right, yeah, no.
Obviously, that would make people
think I'm, I'm not sad,
but isn't nice to have a secret?
You know, it's like we're, we're spies.
Hard to argue with that.
Yeah, yeah, so let's keep this
between us, okay?
Copy that.
This message will self-destruct
-in ten, nine…
-Ah. All right.
…eight. Wait, Jonah!
I was gonna do something cool
when I got to zero!
[quirky music]
[Dina] Ugh, check this out.
"C-U-L-8-R,"
"at" symbol, "The Trough," winky face?
-It's incomprehensible.
-What is "The Trough"?
I keep seeing people talk about it.
Is it just, like,
a new spot to hang out, a bar?
Could be an actual trough
where you can watch pigs eat
for a nominal fee.
Could be that.
Just a lotta mentions, really.
I mean, look, Elias, "Just clocked in.
Meet you at The Trough in two minutes."
Two minutes? With his knock knees?
Elias can't even make it
to the parking lot in two minutes.
That means The Trough
must be in the store.
Which also means
he's been slacking off on the job.
Hold up, there's a new secret spot
in the store to chill,
and nobody told me about it? I'm offended.
Uh, I think they're doing
a little bit more than chill there.
Taylor invited Sarah
for "another quickie,"
and he attached a dong pic.
Oh, my man!
What is with that camera angle?
Right down the barrel. Come on, bud.
And it's the employee app.
These people are depraved.
I mean, we used to hook up in the store,
-so you can't really judge.
-Uh, yes, I can.
I'm co-manager now,
and I am not gonna allow this store
to become a brothel on my watch.
We're not zoned for that!
Okay, Glenn, here's your DVD/VCR combo.
We haven't sold these in years,
so I had to go to Crestwood.
-Why do you need this?
-I don't.
This was a ruse to get you into my office.
Glenn, why didn't you… You're the boss.
You can just say, "Jonah, come in here."
What is happening?
Jonah, you need our help.
Right, Amy?
-Totally, dude.
-"Dude"?
She's in California now.
That's how people there talk.
It might help you to move on
if you can just get out
your repressed feelings.
[sighs]
Okay.
I do this all the time.
Jerusha winds up playing my mother a lot,
and she doesn't even need
the wig, because…
Huh.
Glenn, I don't need this,
because I don't have repressed feeling.
If you were aware of them,
then they wouldn't be repressed.
You have to dig from the top down.
You gotta say,
"Amy, it was sad when you left.
I felt like you abandoned me."
"I hear you, dude. My B."
After all I invested in you
as an employee, and a friend.
Oh, Amy, you felt like a daughter to me.
-Look, Glenn--
-I just miss her so much!
Clearly, you have some stuff to sort out.
I am going to sit in traffic
for 45 minutes and return this.
So it's come to this.
Everyone else refused to work with me,
so I guess the floor supervisor
has to do it.
Uh, yeah, that.
[Carol] Okay, top shelf.
[Carol] Whoops.
Almost forgot my safety belt.
Hmm, right. Would've sucked if you forgot.
Ugh, you know, they don't pay us enough
to deal with this crap.
Well, me. I guess you're making more now.
[Cheyenne] Nah, I actually haven't
gotten my pay raise yet.
Dina said something
about my paperwork still processing.
I guess it has something to do
with the economy being so bad,
or good, or whatever.
No, friend, you're getting screwed.
This is classic corporate.
We do all the work,
and they're the ones getting rich,
up in their fancy Zephra campus
with their free sushi
and daycare and covered parking.
What? They get free daycare?
Sometimes I have to leave Harmonica
zipped up in our trampoline with snacks.
That's why I'm suing.
I'm tired of waiting
for their crumbs to hit the floor.
I am taking a seat at the table,
and I'm gonna lick everybody's bread.
[Cheyenne] That is so gross and cool.
Thanks.
You know, I'm gonna win
this lawsuit for all of us,
and if I lose…
I'll burn down
that Zephra daycare for you.
Oh, my God.
All I can say is, wow!
And, um, please don't do that.
Oh, sorry I'm a little late.
Where do you want me?
Kelly, this is wonderful.
But what is it?
[Mateo clears throat]
Kelly came over from Fenton
to cover a shift.
Dina asked me to call her.
They're co-managers now.
Still working out the kinks.
Yes, no, I remember.
We had a shift that needed filling,
and we thought of you,
because you have a skill that we value.
Yes. Come on.
-I'll walk you.
-[Kelly] All right.
You guys will be working together.
Isn't that funny?
The two of you, who used to date,
and live together.
Life is so random.
I don't know what this is, but I'm sorry.
Am I dead?
Is that why I keep ending up here?
[quirky music]
Look at the connection
between Sarah and Taylor.
It is electric. How did I miss this?
I know. Be more obvious, guys.
-[Dina laughs]
-Oh, she's going for the bait.
[Dina] What'd you write on the note?
"Meet me at The Trough at 2:00 p.m."
-From?
-Anonymous.
[Dina cackles]
Guys, I'm gonna be
a little busy around 2:00 p.m.
Don't even ask me what I'm doing.
It's private.
I'll tell you after.
You guys are the worst.
Just so you know, I had no part in this.
Everybody thinks I'm still hung up on Amy.
Oh, no, thank you.
What?
I'm done getting tangled
in the crazy of you people.
So I'm keeping my head down
and getting through this shift,
because I am saving for a Roomba.
That's fair, but you should know--
Oh, no, no. No, thank you.
[Glenn] Hey, Sandra.
I'm a little embarrassed about earlier.
I did not know all that
was gonna come out.
-It's okay, Glenn.
-Okay, good.
I guess I just had so much to say to Amy.
Sure.
And it felt good to get it out, you know?
Like, healthy.
-You want me to put the wig back on?
-Yes, please.
And we have so much fun together,
but I can't tell you who it is,
'cause they wanna keep it a secret.
[Justine] I totally get it.
My boyfriend wants to stay anonymous,
and it's driving me crazy
because he's actually perfect.
Oh, my God, he sounds amazing.
Thank you.
[chuckles]
Yeah, and obviously,
I would like to know his name.
Like, that would be ideal,
but I have to remind myself,
"Don't get too needy, girl,
because he cares about you,
and that should be enough."
And when you think about it,
it's hard to keep a secret,
so if he's willing to do that,
that means he cares about you more.
-Totally.
-Justine,
-we're gonna have it all.
-[gasps]
You know what else I hate?
That we have to clock out
before we sanitize our stations.
That's still work.
I'm not disinfecting everything
for my health.
Well, I mean, yeah.
That's corporate for you.
They ride us till we drop,
and then immediately sell our ass meat.
[both laugh]
My God, you are so weird.
-You're so weird.
-[both laughing]
You're totally not weird.
You're gorgeous like a vodka girl.
I wish I could do my makeup like you.
Oh, it's so easy.
Honestly, all you need
is the right foundation.
Oh. Here.
You can have it.
I ganked it from the makeup counter.
[chuckles]
[gasps]
Oh, crap.
I forgot to spider wrap
that pallet of Zephra tablets.
Oh, right, that's, like,
a huge security risk.
[inhales, clicks tongue]
You know what, Carol?
[scoffs]
Don't worry about it.
Honestly, if they get jacked,
they get jacked.
Zephra can eat our ass meat.
[both laugh]
[Carol coughs]
Kell-bell, how's life down low?
Never liked that. Told you many times.
Did you know that
Kelly still lives in the same place
she and Jonah lived in
back when they were dating?
Isn't that so crazy and spacious?
That's cool.
I hear Jonah's really digging
his living situation too.
[Mateo] I mean, I guess.
Although if you're gonna live
at an ex's place,
it might as well be an ex
you still got a chance with.
Oh, I see.
That's why you're here
with your shoulders all shined up
and your hands all nice and small.
I'm just here for a Roomba.
I have wood floors. It gets dusty.
Hey, Marcus, you wanna show us
how fast you are?
Do a lap around the store. I'll time you.
Absolutely, but hold on.
Kelly, quick question.
How does Jonah like his peaches?
Starting the timer right now, buddy.
The answer is unripened. Loves the crunch.
Big texture guy.
I've been Jonah's roommate
for a split second, and I knew that.
I'm sorry. Roommate?
Yeah, okay, you heard me.
Jonah and I are roommates,
and it's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
-You're living with Marcus?
-[Marcus] Mm-hm.
Oh, I had no idea it was this bad.
It's not this bad. I'm, I'm fine.
Oh, Jonah, how did this happen?
No offense.
None taken.
You're asking, like, how did he hit
the frickin' jackpot of roommates?
So, tell them, Jonah.
Yeah, okay, yeah. I mean, that was… I, uh…
One night, I, uh, I had maybe one
too many glasses of orange wine,
and, and he texted me,
and I figured, you know, yeah,
I could use the help with the rent.
And so--
Wow, so you did it for the money?
I could not have been clearer
it was for the money.
[scoffs]
Ha. We found it.
We know all about The Trough,
and we are here to shut it down.
Man, I wish we had
some sunglasses right now.
You just pull those off.
That would've been cool.
Just give me one hour in there, please.
We wrote the note.
We preyed upon your desperation,
and it worked like a charm.
It was you guys the whole time?
Yes, it was us the whole two hours ago.
I can't believe this. He was never real?
What am I gonna tell my parents?
[sighs]
Can I just ask, um,
what happened with Amy?
[sighs]
Um…
We, you know,
just weren't on the same page
about, uh, our future,
and so we decided to break up.
It was, uh… mutual.
I remember us using that word too.
Yeah, but that…
I think that people say
breakups are mutual,
because they wanna feel
like nobody's the bad guy,
but I mean, come on.
Usually, one person is hurting
more than the other.
[sighs deeply]
You know what? Uh, you're…
You're right. I'm sorry, Kelly. I…
Oh, no. I'm, I'm good now.
I had a lot of rebound sex,
and I went to Cabo with my mom.
So, I'm past it.
And, and it looks like
you're in a good place too now
with your, uh, situation.
Yeah, yeah, in my, uh,
my ex's house with Marcus.
-So you're good?
-Yeah!
-This is…
-[banging]
This is exactly what I was going for.
Oh, boy. It's coming out.
-[sighs]
-On the day I'm here. Good.
Here's an idea,
maybe if you're gonna have cold feet
about the future of your relationship,
you tell the guy who's got
your two-year-old drooling on his chest.
He's my little man, by the way,
and I love him to death.
But maybe, maybe you just give him
just an indication, you know,
that you're gonna pull the rug out
because let me tell you something,
he's very comfortable on that rug.
A lot of plans hinging on that rug
staying right where it is.
Yeah, we've "moved on." She's moved on!
She's living in California
in what I imagine is an infinity pool
while I am stuck here working
at her store,
living in her house,
dealing with her neighbor's tree
that's past the property line.
You deal with it, Amy!
It's your [bleep] problem.
Oh, hey, guys. What's, uh…
How long were you…
Just bringing back your keys.
[sighs]
Are you okay?
Yeah.
[sighs]
Yeah, I'm good.
And you know what, Eric?
You can keep the keys.
I'm moving out.
I'm obviously not moving out today,
so I need the key.
Yeah, thank you.
This is nice.
I mean, if we'd had this
when we were slamming it,
I wouldn't have had
to reinforce Glenn's desk.
[chuckles]
Oh, what's this guy do?
-[romantic music plays]
-Oh, okay.
Trough's got moves.
[chuckles]
All right, let's, uh,
let's turn those off.
Was it this?
No, it was this thing right here.
Baby, don't worry
You know that you got me ♪
-[Dina] I'm so sorry.
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm with Brian. I'm very happy with Brian.
No, I'm happy with Brian too.
I love Brian!
[Carol] Today was fun.
Sometimes I feel like
people think I'm a weirdo,
but you made me feel really cool today.
Aw, can I be real with you a sec?
Dina assigned me
to hang out with you today
to, like, write down any bad,
or crazy things you did.
She said corporate wanted it.
My lawyer warned me this might happen.
But don't worry,
I'm not gonna give them anything,
because, bottom of my heart,
you are, like, high-key fire.
Oh, well, thanks.
And I know you won't give them anything,
because I recorded your little confession.
How you stole that makeup?
So you screw with me, you get fired.
Carol, that is so savage.
I love you so much right now.
I know you do.
Bye, bitch.
Goodbye, bitch.
Hey.
So, uh, heard you're moving out.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry, Marcus.
I, I wanted to tell you.
I just want you to know
I'm not coming with you.
Yeah, no, yeah,
I, I thought that was to be assumed.
I just don't think you're ready
to have a roommate right now,
and I deserve one
who will shout it from the rooftops.
You know what? You do, Marcus.
You were never late on rent,
you always filled up the Brita.
You were a great roommate.
Wow.
[gulps]
That didn't suck to hear.
Um, hey, we should come up
with a new secret.
-Oh, I don't think we need to--
-Tonight, you and me, the quarry.
We'll definitely see something messed up,
and if it ever gets brought up,
deny, deny, deny.
Yeah, man. Let's, let's do it.
Do what?
[clicks tongue]
-[Marcus grunts]
-[quirky music]