Superstore (2015) s06e08 Episode Script

And finally, your name tag.
Now, the Cloud 9 manual says
that this is made out
of polyvinyl chloride,
but I say it's made out
of honesty, hard work,
those elderly shoppers' smiles--
Glenn, can we hurry this up?
Not to be rude,
but this means nothing to me.
Wow, my son, a Cloud 9 employee.
We're a dynasty like Billy Ray and Miley.
And he was my foster child.
It's like God's been engraving
this name tag for you
since the day you were born.
Dude, you just touched my nipple.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought I had more clearance,
but it is cold in here.
Oh, my God, showtime. Okay, go, go, go.
Excuse me, do you sell cat carriers?
-[Tony] Um…
-Mateo, get this.
[Glenn] It's Tony's first customer.
Ooh, maybe we can get one
where the customer's making a complaint,
and Tony's like, "Oh, brother."
Sorry, it's just that
my cat's in a duffel bag in the car.
Okay, I think we have enough photos.
Mateo, this is important.
It's Tony's first day.
I mean, what if he makes
a scrapbook for this job?
What's he gonna put on page one?
[customer] Seriously, I just need--
Sir, you are ruining this moment.
[upbeat music]
Thinking about getting into camping,
but possums kinda freak me out.
Dina and I almost kissed yesterday.
What?
I mean, nothing happened.
There was no lip collision.
But there was definitely
a swerve to miss situation.
Is she still with Brian?
Did something happen?
Are they having issues?
Wait, is she into you?
Oh, two questions per breath.
-I already told you, nothing happened.
-Then why did you bring it up?
-That's how conversation works.
-Hey, Jonah.
-You ready to start training, Tony?
-Sure am.
Sup, Tony?
-You excited to work at Cloud 9?
-Yeah, it's cool.
Uh, yeah, it's about to get real cool
like, uh, "Brr, grab some extra socks."
[Jonah chuckles]
We're, uh, restocking refrigerated items.
-Oh, do I need extra socks?
-No, it's not that bad.
Here, I made him a roast beef sandwich.
Mom, come on.
If he doesn't eat every 45 minutes,
he turns into a real grumpasaurus.
Oh, and you have my number
if you need it, right?
Yeah, or I could just wave over to you
since we work in the same store.
Sorry, just a little nervous.
Okay, I'm gonna go. Bye, Tony.
-Sure you're gonna be okay?
-Mom!
[Carol] I'm gonna play
both of my reversies,
and send it back to Sayid.
[all clamor]
[Cheyenne] Dang, that's cold.
Sayid, you're on bathroom duty,
unless you wanna use your Skip Stone,
but just remember,
you won't get another one
until next month.
Hey, Chey. Glen wants me
to decorate Tony's locker.
What are straight teenage boys into?
Paintball and body spray?
Just a second. I'm in the middle
of shift assignments. Sayid?
I'm using my stone, baby.
[all cheer]
Mateo, the locker is gonna have to wait.
I forgot my lunch,
so could you get me a tuna salad pita
but roll it up so that it looks
like an ice cream cone?
Uh, yep.
You see what I'm going for?
The tuna scoop is the ice cream.
I understand, and I am on it.
[Glenn] Okay.
-Because this is my job.
-Men, Women, and Children. Boom!
-Wait, wait, um--
-Sorry, Justine.
Isaac was able to name
more Timothée Chalamet movies,
so he's on Softlines.
Suck it, Justine. Call Me by Your Name.
All right. Great game, everybody.
Now go make that paper!
Hey, when you were floor supervisor,
did Elias always ask to work
in greeting cards?
Yeah. Don't let him.
He reads all the cards out loud,
and adds the words "in bed."
It literally never works.
Ugh. Okay, thanks.
Any other pro tips, let me know.
Oh, really? Well, happy to help.
I actually miss being floor supervisor.
Thanks to ICE, now the only job I can get
is making sure Glenn's healthy meals
look like ice cream.
Oh, that sucks.
-You know you can do that with sushi--
-A ball of crab on a hand roll.
Come on, give me some credit.
Oh, hey. Dina, what's up?
Uh, you see the moon last night?
I'm not sure what phase it was.
Probably like the middle or--
It was waning gibbous,
but can we talk about yesterday?
Yeah, totally. Um…
Hey, I'm, I'm really sorry about that.
It just doesn't make sense.
I mean, I'm crazy about Brian.
And I was up all night last night
thinking about it.
"Why did this happen? Am I a bad person?
Did Garrett use some kind
of seduction pheromones?"
And is that the one you landed on?
No, no. I finally realized,
I think this is because Brian
has been away a lot.
He's been helping out
at some understaffed animal sanctuaries,
so I think I've just been really lonely.
I get that.
I mean, I'm in a weird head space
these days too.
I mean, Zoom dating
is basically interviewing somebody
while judging their wall art.
Mm. I guess you gotta keep
your hands in frame, right?
Otherwise, the other person's gonna think
you're touching yourself.
What? No, I usually… I keep 'em…
-Are people thinking that?
-Oh, absolutely.
Anyway, what happened yesterday,
didn't mean anything.
It was just two old horndogs
lifting their leg at a familiar tree.
Not how I would've said it, but, yes.
I guess that's what it was. Case closed.
Okay.
So I'm just gonna call Brian,
and tell him everything.
What? Wait, no, you said case closed.
The, the case is closed.
You can't reopen the case.
-[clatters]
-Oh! Oh, oh, oh.
Okay, all right,
love the energy, great job,
but you actually have to
unwrap the plastic,
and separate the boxes
before you shelf them.
Oh. Then why'd you say "great job"?
I… don't know.
Um, also, there's an "F"
on the pallet here.
Do you know what that stands for?
Yeah.
[chuckles]
No. No, no, no, not that.
Um, mostly because why would it?
Uh, the "F" stands for "frozen",
so that means you gotta put those
in the freezer, not the refrigerator.
Whoa, Tony. Looks like
you got the cool teacher.
[chuckling]
Yeah, that's me.
Hey, kids.
Put your books down,
we're having class outside today.
[chuckles]
No, no, no, we, no,
we actually have to stock those.
All right, I'm gonna go
before you bust out the guitar.
-[chuckling]
-I'll see you at lunch.
All right, I'll see ya.
Dude, she wants your nuts.
-Sorry?
-She's totally into you.
Oh, no. She's just being friendly.
I mean, we talk politics at lunch,
but that's just mostly,
because she's the only person here
who doesn't get her news
from all-caps Facebook posts.
I'm telling you, she was thirsty for it.
You gotta quench.
Huh. Well, I guess
she could've been flirting with me,
and I didn't pick up on it.
Been a while since I've been single,
and these are new jeans.
-[clatters]
-[Tony] Oops.
Oh, well, five second rule, right?
Uh, no.
Everybody wants a cart,
but not me, I'm a basket guy.
Because you come up to a narrow space
with a cart, you're stuck.
But me? I'm just Neo from The Matrix,
and I'm just like, "Whoa,"
bullet time my way all the way through,
you know what I'm saying?
[Garrett] Yeah, but what if you can't fit
everything you need in a basket?
Oh, yeah. I thought about that.
Two baskets, oh.
[Garrett] Oh, Brian.
Oh, hey, Ken, uh, could you tell me more
about that two basket thing?
Dude, now everybody knows.
Can't tell you nothing.
Good day.
[Garrett] Brian, wow, cool.
Uh, have you talked to Dina yet?
I did talk to Dina, yes.
Brian, great! I'm so glad you're here.
-Garrett, we have big news.
-Oh.
Dina and I have talked,
and we've decided--
We're gonna have an open relationship!
What?
You're gonna be our side piece!
Yeah. Well, you know, technically,
I think he'd just be your side piece.
Well, what's my side piece
is your side piece.
-[Brian] Shut up.
-[Dina giggles]
[quirky music]
So I'll be going to a wildlife sanctuary
in Wisconsin for three months,
and that's a long time to go
without physical intimacy,
and I'm not a big fan of the Zoom sex.
He can never get the camera angle right.
It's always all forehead or foreskin.
Okay, I… I, I get it.
This is really the best solution for you?
Hey, it's new territory for me too,
but I've tried a lot
of new stuff because of Dina.
You know, before I met her,
I had never canned anything.
[scoffs]
And you just make sense
since we have history.
You've really thought this out.
Yeah, sure have.
And there's a lot of things
for us to go over with you,
but I wanna make sure it's clear.
I save the girlfriend stuff
for this guy, okay?
That means no sleepovers,
no non-sexual kissing,
and no stargazing
unless it's for navigational purposes.
Well, that's a lot of rules.
Feels like I'm buying a gremlin.
-[Garrett chuckles]
-I don't know what that means.
-I don't either.
-The car?
Uh, it sounds like a spam account,
so maybe wait until your lunch
to DM Prince Harry back.
You're right.
-I shouldn't seem so desperate.
-Mm-hm.
Another floor supervisor tip, we direct.
Don't use words like "maybe"
or "I think" with these peons.
-Okay.
-Before you speak, think,
"How would an evil queen decree this?"
Ooh, yeah.
And just a couple other things
I thought of.
Oh.
No more campfire games with employees,
and no sparkly makeup.
Oh, and don't put unicorn stickers
on your clipboard.
They're unprofessional.
Uh, okay.
But otherwise, you are killing it, girl.
Thanks.
Oh, you should probably change your shoes.
I mean, they're fun,
but it looks like you skinned a Care Bear.
[Cheyenne scoffs]
Nia's just really cool, you know?
It's the first time
I've actually been kind of excited
about somebody since Amy.
But you do know that there are women
outside of the store, right?
[Jonah] We have the same break today.
I wonder if I should ask her out
to that the Szechuan place.
You know, maybe order
something adventurous,
like level ten mapo tofu.
-Have a new experience?
-Look, man.
I'd love to plan your imaginary date,
but, uh, Dina asked me
to be part of her open relationship.
What? Wow. An open relationship?
That's pretty cool, actually.
You know? It's very modern.
Trying to imagine if Nia and I
would ever be the kind of couple that--
Maybe see if she's up for dinner first.
Hey, Garrett.
Can we just keep rolling
through these guidelines?
Brian's got
a pug eyeball reinsertion at three.
Dina, I, I…
Sorry, I just gotta say,
the open relationship, I'm impressed.
You know, it's very progressive,
very European.
Oh, Jonah. This is awkward.
But we're at capacity,
so it's not gonna happen.
I'm so sorry.
That's not…
All right.
-Say that you love me ♪
-Say ♪
-Say that you need me ♪
-Say ♪
-Say that you want me ♪
-Say ♪
You wanna please… ♪
Oh, hey, Jonah.
I wanna get your thoughts
on that Planet Money
on the economy of sewage.
You heard it! Ah, that's great.
Yeah, totally. We're wrapping up here.
So we will jump
right into that sewage soon.
-Can't wait.
-[Jonah chuckles]
Uh…
Hey, buddy, can we, can we pick up
the pace just a little bit?
You know, shift into high gear
before this all melts?
-Totally.
-Great, thank you.
-[Jonah sighs]
-Hey, guys.
How are my chilly willies?
I was actually just telling Tony
that we need to speed up a little bit.
Oh, he's probably hungry again.
Here, go get a snack
from the vending machine.
Can I get Rolos?
Okay, but that's your sweet for the day.
Yeah, okay.
Uh, Sandra, we're,
we're actually very behind,
and Tony's having a lot
of trouble with pacing.
Do you think maybe you might be
coddling him just a little bit?
Oh… I see what this is.
Jonah, I still care about you too.
There is no need to be jealous.
Just because Tony's new,
and you don't have the best hair
in the store anymore--
Glenn, I'm not jealous, okay?
I, I just… I, I want him to learn his job,
so that his coworkers
don't have to micromanage him.
-Understood, you got it.
-Great.
-My special guy.
-[Jonah sighs]
-[Cheyenne] Looks so good.
-[Mateo] Hey.
I was walking by Women's Wear,
and I happened to see a couple of pieces
that would be perfect for you.
Wow, they're really… cute?
Uh, anyways, nice job
on this display, Don.
-You get a butterfly. Boop!
-Oh, hey. No biggie.
But when I mentioned no stickers
on your clipboard,
I meant, like, no stickers, period.
Look, I'm really sorry that
you had to stop being floor supervisor,
but I just need to do this
my own way, okay?
Okay.
[chuckles]
I just figured you'd want to do
the job well instead of, you know,
having Carol do the worm
to get out of go-backs.
Well, I actually think
I'm doing a really good job.
Yeah, the games and stuff are dorky,
but they help people forget
that their job sucks for a second.
I'm just saying you might wanna listen
to the gold standard floor supervisor.
You weren't even given the job.
You just started saying that you had it.
At least I was, like, chosen to do this.
Yeah, because I wasn't eligible.
Okay? If they could've had
a professional like me,
they wouldn't have put up with
your rainbow sparkle Hello Kitty crap.
Oh, okay. We're being honest now?
Well, this morning when you asked me
about your nose pores, I lied.
They are visible.
-You could dunk a basketball in them.
-[Mateo gasps]
Sorry about the long bathroom break.
I opened the Harper's app,
and you know how that story ends.
Oh, hey, Tony, bud, how come
the Fudge Pops are not in the freezer?
I told you they're melting.
I know, but there was no more room
in the freezer.
How could there not be enough room in the…
-To…
-[bottles shattering]
Why is there beer in the freezer?
There's not an "F" on the box.
Uh, ice cold beer? It's, like, a thing.
-[bottle shatters]
-[gasps]
This is a huge problem, Tony.
-I mean, it's just stuff.
-Our whole job is stuff!
-Can't you just…
-[bottle shatters]
…listen and follow directions?
I swear, I, I just wanna be done
and, and go to lunch.
You know? I'm sick of it.
-Oh!
-[Jonah] Oh, oh.
-Oh, dude, you hit me.
-Oh, no.
You're okay, you're okay.
You're more surprised than hurt, right?
-Not really.
-Tony? What's wrong?
Is there something in your eye?
You want me to blow on it?
-[Jonah] No--
-Jonah hit me.
-No, no.
-[Sandra] What?
-How dare you hit my son?
-Sandra, I swear--
Does it make you feel like
a big man, hitting a kid?
[nervous laugh]
That's… All right, Sandra, joke's over.
Most of these people don't get it,
but I do, 'cause you're hilarious.
Do I look like I'm laughing?
[clears throat]
All right, Tony.
I'll, uh, I'll catch you on the flip.
Feel better, buddy.
You touch him again, I will destroy you.
[chuckles softly]
She's not…
It… We're, we're friends.
I, I threw her an engagement party.
Don't let Jonah throw you
a party, everyone.
Your kids will pay the price.
I know it's a lot,
but once we get it all sorted out,
I promise it will be fun.
-Will it?
-Yes!
All hangin' and bangin',
and none of that
annoying relationship stuff?
Think about it. If I get into a fight
with my stupid sister,
I'm not gonna bug you with that.
I'm gonna bring that to QB1 here.
That's right. And I'm gonna be all like,
"Dina, your sister's attachment issues
are not your problem."
Boom.
Okay.
Yeah, I guess.
Here, we got you something.
[Garrett] Wow.
Not sure what I'm supposed to do with this
since I'm a grown man.
Well, it's actually more
of a demonstration, you know?
We checked out a lot of websites,
and they said it's really important
to establish sexual boundaries,
so we will stick a thumbs-up sticker
everywhere you're allowed to touch Dina.
Now, the thumbs-up represents
a general green light,
but in some cases,
it's a little more literal.
We'll walk you through those
when we get there.
Yeah, no, no. Nope, not doing it.
I'm out. Nope, nope, nope.
Wait!
I was just gonna put stickers
on the bear's boobs.
You love those.
Yeah, I don't think we sell
anything specifically called fruit soup,
-but you could check produce.
-Okay.
Oh, here's a perfect place
to update shift assignments.
[Cheyenne] Hmm…
Isaac, you shall henceforth
be working on register four
to maximize efficiency
and expedite expenditure.
What's happening?
Why do you sound like Nurse Ratched
on the Netflix series Ratched?
Oh, I'm running this meeting like Mateo
in a very professional manner.
-Mm-hm.
-Okay, ha-ha, very funny.
But you know what?
Even this is way better than your usual
singles cruise director attitude.
[in British accent]
Oh, I doth agree,
because one should never have
a fun, cool attitude
when one can have a stick up their arse!
-[all laugh]
-[Carol] Oh, my God, that's so good.
You're tearing him apart. Do his walk.
[in normal accent]
Oh, yeah. Uh, uh, uh…
-[Mateo] That's not how I…
-[groaning]
[in British accent]
God, I dropped me cane!
-What cane? I don't have a cane!
-[all laugh]
Oh.
Did you see that? Dude, you…
This is all my fault.
Paying all that attention
to shiny, new Tony
while dusty, old Jonah sat on the shelf.
No, that's not it.
And we're not toys, Glenn.
Sandra, it was just an accident, I swear.
If it was such an accident,
then why were you yelling at him
-when it happened?
-I wasn't yelling!
Oh, God. He's doing it again.
I wasn't yelling at Tony.
It was more like lecturing.
He just… He wasn't listening.
Exactly. You had to make him listen.
That's not what I meant.
I think it's good that
the kid had some consequences.
Kids have it too easy these days.
Everybody gets a trophy.
You say that about everything.
Do you want us to give you a trophy?
If everyone's getting one.
Well, when I was a kid, we'd get hit,
but we never cried about it,
'cause then we'd get hit.
Okay, guys. Come on.
You know I'm not violent.
I don't even do the Super Bowl pool,
because I think football is barbaric.
I thought you didn't bet,
because you have a gambling addiction.
The… "Addiction" is a loaded word.
I don't know, Jonah.
You did hit Mateo for being undocumented.
-He did what?
-You also tried to wrestle me.
You challenged me.
True. And to be fair, you did stop
as soon as you got aroused.
No. That's… No…
That was the pants.
I took them out of rotation.
-[bell rings]
-[Mateo] Hey, everyone.
[imitates Cheyenne]
Did I miss a meeting?
Sorry. I was shotgunning code reds
with my party bus of a husband.
I don't care if it's unprofessional.
I just wanna have fun
and do molly with unicorns.
[Mateo] What?
[normal voice]
That was spot-on Cheyenne.
Oh, my God, Mateo. We can see your junk.
What?
-[laughter]
-Oh, my God.
-[Cheyenne] TMI!
-[Glenn] No, no.
-You're making it worse.
-[Dina] You're moving it around.
Well, then stop looking! God!
Wow, Mateo.
That was not okay.
What, are you gonna hit him too?
No, Sandra. We've moved on.
[quirky music sting]
Whoo! Well, that got
a little silly earlier, huh?
[laughs]
This group likes to spin a tale.
The, uh, the thing is,
a lot of them are pathological--
Oh, I don't think you hit Tony on purpose.
Good, good, yeah, no.
Just 'cause the case against me
was surprisingly compelling.
No, you don't seem like a brawler.
More like a library cards
in multiple cities kind of guy.
Chicago, Cincinnati, St. Louis.
[both chuckling]
Hey, so, uh, I was wondering
if you wanted to maybe get dinner
at this new Szechuan place.
Hold on. I'm a lesbian.
-Oh! Yeah. Right, yeah, duh.
-Yeah.
And not, not "duh"
like you're so obviously a lesbian.
Just "duh" on me for just assuming
you were straight.
-Oh, it's okay.
-No. No, no, no.
You were just being friendly,
and I'm, like, this heteronormative bull
in a lesbian china shop.
Yeah, kinda.
But it's not really your fault.
Your generation is a little more rigid
about gender and sexuality.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.
My, my generation separate from yours.
Well, okay. This… Yeah, good, so this…
-Yeah.
-This was, this was good.
[soft chuckle]
Those were SuperCloud leggings, huh?
They were.
Oh, yeah. They're crazy thin.
I wore a pair to Harmonica's
teacher conference one time,
but she got an A
on her macaroni project after that,
and it sucked.
[scoffs]
Eric's actually gonna be
picking me up soon,
so if you had anything else
you wanna say to me?
Like what?
Like, you know,
today's been a journey for you,
and I'm ready to accept your apology.
Are you being serious?
You expect me to apologize to you?
I have nothing to be sorry about.
I was giving you amazing advice,
and you mocked me,
and made me show my penis to the world.
The only reason that
you were giving me advice
was so that you could relive
your glory days
like Britney in Vegas.
Do not come for Britney like that!
She is a woman at the top of her game!
Denying that she needs help
is only hurting her more!
[Cheyenne scoffs]
It's, it's crazy.
She's, what, three,
four years younger than me?
Or ten. Something like that.
But, hey, at least you're getting yourself
back out there,
and you got your first rejection
out of the way.
So that's good,
'cause there's gonna be a lot.
Like, so many.
[chuckles]
Dating's fun.
Well, you were in an open relationship
for, like, three hours.
Yeah, you know what? Not for me.
Yeah, yeah, no. I mean, I get it.
When there's history
and feelings involved,
you don't wanna have to, like,
share her with some other dude.
[scoffs]
What? No, the…
-There's no feelings.
-Oh.
Well, then I'm surprised
you're not into it
if there's no emotional component.
No, it's just…
[exhales deeply]
-Let's do it.
-Oh, great.
I gotta say, you seemed like
a pretty hard no.
Oh, yeah, no, I mean, look.
It's casual, it's fun,
it's still mid-pando.
Why wouldn't I wanna do it?
Yes!
Seriously, Garrett,
this is gonna be awesome.
I'm gonna let the doctor know
you're back in.
Oh.
[chuckles]
By doctor, you mean Brian?
No, no, Dr. Hartshorn.
Yeah, I ordered you a physical
and full panel of STI tests.
-You can pay me back later.
-Uh…
Hey, Hartshorn. He's back in.
Yeah, you're gonna
have to fast on Tuesday.
What…
No, I'm excited too.
[Glenn] Jonah.
I just want you to know
that Tony will never replace you.
Glenn, really. I'm fine, okay?
Tony's a good kid. I like him.
Still, I told Jerusha no need to make
the hot dog casserole this Saturday,
because that's Jonah's special night.
So we can do whatever you wanna do.
-Glenn, no. That's not necessary.
-Oh, come on. What's hot?
Well, there is this Chinese place
that I've been wanting to try.
Absolutely.
They, they have plain white rice,
though, right?
-They do.
-Then absolutely!
Oh, and no big deal,
but you can't work with minors
for six weeks, okay?
-What?
-Yay, Jonah's special night!
[quirky music sting]