Superstore (2015) s06e12 Episode Script

Produce shipment coming in at ten.
And also, we have a new district manager,
who is here and excited
to meet all of you.
He's not new. It's Jeff.
Oh, come on.
I had "Eye of the Tiger" queued up.
I was gonna do a whole thing.
You mean, run in
while "Eye of the Tiger" was playing?
Guess you'll never know.
Anyway, hey, team. Good to be back!
Wow, so congrats on your promotion.
Or… getting your job back.
Either way, you look…
-Welcome back.
-Thank you.
Yeah, I guess Zephra wanted
someone with experience.
They also wanted someone who could handle,
oh, I don't know, two districts.
Now, while I'm here, I wanna make sure
we're pushing our shoppers to fill out
their customer satisfaction surveys.
Sorry, what surveys?
The… link at the bottom of every receipt?
Huh. Is that new?
-No. Been there for years.
-[Dina] Nobody bothers with the surveys.
People only use receipts to spit out gum
and for murder alibis.
Okay, well, Zephra's looking
at the scores and the comments,
so it's important
that you get positive feedback.
Especially this store.
What's that supposed to mean?
There's been some chatter
that 1217 is a "problem child" store.
What?
I mean, you did damage
the store's servers,
there's the raccoon infestation,
there's Carol's lawsuit,
not to mention
the multiple attempts at unionizing.
Well, yeah, of course,
it's gonna sound bad
when you just rattle them off
in a row like that.
But if you interspersed them
with good things we've done or just,
you know, random trivia…
How do we get positive feedback?
Because after church and the bus,
this is the place
I get yelled at the most.
The key is a personal connection.
Customers eat that up, especially moms.
You guys get a mom, you send her my way.
I'm gonna get you
that positive feedback, guaranteed.
Ew. You're gonna sleep with all the moms
to get a good survey?
No! What?
Jonah, please. Let's keep it clean.
Glenn, we actually legally
can't tell Jonah who not to sleep with,
so if you're gonna have sex with the moms,
just do it on your break.
I'm not…
Fine.
[upbeat music]
Dang, you guys are probably thinking,
"Oh, man, if Zephra thinks
the store's a problem,
then they're gonna think we're a problem.
Then they're gonna fire us,
and then, we're never
gonna work in retail again."
-[gasps]
-Oh, my bad. Were you not thinking that?
Oh, my God. She's right.
Zephra just fired Gil Richelieu
from Kirkwood.
He was manager there for 15 years,
and then, one bad safety report,
and he's out.
He gives massages at the airport now.
Ew. Which terminal?
Two.
There is no way in hell
I am working at Terminal Two,
so we need to push these surveys hard.
Not one customer leaves
without taking one.
They'll die before I let them leave,
unless they really need to go,
in which case, I'll completely understand!
Cheyenne, you can monitor
the surveys on the app.
If one of our people gets
even one bad review,
I want you to pull them off the floor
as fast as you can.
-And shave them?
-What?
Like shave their head to shame them,
so they know they did something bad?
No, just reassign them to the back.
Oh, okay. Yeah, sorry.
It just wasn't clear.
-[beeping]
-[background chatter]
So you just go on your phone.
Uh, this survey's not on my phone.
Just open an internet browser.
No.
Okay, I guess I can, um,
what's your passcode?
Oh, it's my grandson's birthday.
Okay, so… October, or…
Excuse me, ma'am.
We're doing a customer survey.
-Do you have time to tell us--
-Time?
[scoffs]
I work two jobs
and have three little ones at home.
Do you think I have time?
Uh, no.
I do the shopping and the cleaning
and make dinner.
Tell me, do I have time to take a survey?
No! You're, you're so busy.
And do you think Richard notices?
No, he doesn't!
-[cell phone chimes]
-Oh, you're getting a call.
Oh, you can just answer it.
Okay.
Hello?
It's your dentist's office.
They wanna confirm for tomorrow.
Oh, tomorrow is no good.
Okay. Um, he'd like to reschedule.
Yeah, well, I'll send you some recipes.
Your grandma is gonna be changing her tune
about tahini in no time.
Oh, and if you don't mind,
fill out this survey
at the bottom of the receipt,
and let Cloud 9 know
about your experience.
Buh-bye.
[chuckles]
Uh-oh! Two packs of Nutter Butters?
Someone's got a case of the nom-nom-noms.
[chuckling]
So again, it's out of five stars,
five meaning I helped you a lot today.
Are you sure you wanna go with two?
Let's go with one.
So we haven't set a specific timeline
on getting engaged,
but it's probably
gonna happen pretty soon.
I feel like you only asked me
how I'm doing
so you can talk
about your thing, but cool.
I just always pictured us
walking by a street performer,
and they'd stop us and say,
"You guys are the most beautiful couple
I've ever seen. Can I play for you?"
And we'd be like, "Oh, my God.
Are you Michael Bublé?"
And then, he'd play
while I got down on one knee, and…
[clicks tongue]
…but, you know, with COVID…
Yeah, I bet Bublé is bummed.
He can't be a part of that.
Well, still, it's gonna be, like,
the best proposal ever, so…
Proposal? Someone getting married?
Uh, yeah.
Uh, Garrett's proposing.
-To his girlfriend. Doreen.
-[Jeff] What?
Garrett, why didn't you call me, man?
[Garrett] Yeah, sorry.
Uh, probably 'cause
I've never called you before.
Yeah, I know. What's up with that?
Anyway, congrats! I have a jeweler
you should definitely talk to.
He hit me with his car,
so he owes me a favor.
Let me get you his business card.
It's in my attaché.
Hmm.
-Dude, what was that?
-Sorry.
But don't you remember when he found out
Eric and I were just dating?
He flipped out!
Also, I'm on a journey
of growth and maturity,
and I don't need to flaunt
my relationship in my ex's face.
-Yeah.
-Plus, in my mind, Doreen is super hot.
You should see what I'm picturing.
It's almost like,
"Is she too hot for Garrett?"
So we've gotten some customer reviews in,
and I just have to say,
everyone is doing an amazing job.
But also, some of you are not,
so I'll be pulling
some of you off the floor,
and putting you on a special assignment.
Like, just away from human interaction.
Uh, but again, amazing job, everyone.
Hootie-hoo!
So the people I'll be pulling
will be Justine,
Dan, Sandra, uh, Taylor, Earl, and Jonah.
And Jonah, what?
You, you started a new sentence
with, "And Jonah…"
Oh. Oh, no. Sorry.
I was just finishing my list
of the bad people.
No. What? No, that's… No.
Check the list again.
Well, she made the list,
so she probably knows who's on it.
Yeah, Jonah.
She's not gonna check it twice.
She's not Santa Claus.
[cackles]
Yeah, it's no big deal.
Some people just thought
that you talked too much.
Like, way too much, actually.
One lady said that you accused her
of having "nom-nom-noms."
Oof! They don't like it
when you comment on what they eat, bro.
I was being friendly. This is ridiculous.
I, I don't belong with this group.
I have people skills.
Not saying you guys don't, but… kinda.
How are we still only averaging two stars?
We've only got one five-star review.
"The store was completely
out of baby wipes,
but an employee ran to the back
and found the last box for me."
Elias. He's always hoarding wipes
in the back for himself.
I've begged his wife to get a bidet.
But don't you think it's weird
that he got five stars for that?
I guess it kind of makes sense.
I mean, the customer had an issue,
and the employee went above
and beyond to solve it.
I think that makes more of an impression
than when everything's just fine.
Huh.
We need to start making
problems for our customers.
What?
We cause the problems
so that we can swoop in,
solve them, and get a higher score.
'Cause problems for our customers?
Come on. Isn't that
how Stalin got his start?
Yeah, you're right.
We should probably just, take the L,
-let Jeff fire us in disgrace…
-[gasps]
…see if Hudson News has any openings.
[grunts]
All right. Let's do it.
I guess. I think.
[sighs]
So, you see all these boxes here?
We need you to move them over there.
Oh, man. I hope we can
get this done in time.
In time for what? This is just busy work.
It's not busy work.
It's work that this group of people
will excel at doing.
All right. So good luck!
Don't talk to anyone. Good luck!
[quirky music sting]
Wait, so what kind of problems
are we supposed to be making
for the customers?
Like, "You guys are out
of cheese" problems,
or, "Oh, my God,
my baby was stolen" problems?
So we're supposed to stash
a bunch of stolen babies in the back?
Gross. Well, actually,
I don't think it's that gross.
Wait, do I want kids?
Isn't this a lot of work
for just a couple extra stars on a survey?
If we don't get our score up,
Glenn and I could be fired.
And then do you know
who's gonna be in charge of you guys?
Who's gonna be around all the time?
-Jeff.
-Yo, everyone, take this seriously,
'cause I'm not pretending
to have a fiancée for more than one day.
But messing up is against my nature.
I wouldn't even know where to start.
Well, we got the baby thing.
Oh, God, I wish I'd said no
to the baby thing earlier.
Now, it's getting so much traction.
Okay, guys, it's simple.
Hide popular items in the back.
Then, when people ask for them,
you can "find the last one."
Take away the shopping baskets,
but offer to carry their stuff for them.
Let's also shut down
the customer bathrooms.
We'll let them use the employee bathroom,
and they'll feel like kings.
Oh, I'll do it. Linchpin of the operation.
In your face, Garrett!
Oh, man. Really? No pizza?
-Yup, that's what we're saying.
-[sighs]
But can I offer you a free hot dog
as an apology?
Yeah, thank you. I really appreciate that.
-You do?
-Yeah, thanks so much.
That's great, 'cause we
really are out of pizza.
There's no dough, there's no sauce.
No Italians in sight.
Hey, don't forget to put that
on your customer survey!
Girl, it is your lucky day.
I had to dig and dig
through the back,
but I found the last one for you.
-Thanks.
-[sighs]
Oh, sorry. Bathroom's closed.
But you're gonna love
the employee bathroom.
Come on. I'll show ya.
I gotta dump one out too.
[clicks tongue]
Oh, so I'm digging and digging,
and then, all of a sudden,
the whole shelf falls.
And I'm like, "Not today, shelf."
And I dive out of the way.
[chuckles]
Anyway, I got you the very last one.
Wow! Shoot. I actually need two.
Oh, you know what?
I think I saw another one back there.
Say one too many things about tahini,
and you're just thrown back here
like you're nothing.
This wouldn't be happening
if the customers could see
my whole face, you know?
The top half raises questions,
but the bottom half answers them all.
Hey, don't get down on yourself.
So we got put in the back.
It doesn't mean we're worthless.
-No, I know. You're right. I just--
-It just means we're back of house people.
Strong, silent, shadow people.
The rejects. The freaks.
Well, I wouldn't say freaks specifically--
He's a super freak ♪
Super freak, he's super freaky ♪
Thank you.
Do, do-do-do, do-do, do-do ♪
Okay. Yeah. No, I know the song.
Hey, dude, I just got off
a 45-minute phone call
with Jeff and his jeweler,
and they were really judgmental
because I don't know the size
of Doreen's ring finger.
I'm sorry. It's just for one day.
Oh, and ring size is easy.
You just take a ring they already have,
and slip it on to a tapered candle--
She's not real! Can't you just come clean,
and get him off my back?
I wish I could,
but I think the mature, healthy thing
for me to do is to avoid him.
Hi. Can I, uh, help you with something?
[customer] Actually, yeah.
I'm trying to choose
between a ribeye and a sirloin steak.
I'm having dinner with my tree guy.
Any recommendations?
Well, you're gonna get a richer flavor
from the marbling on the ribeye,
so if it were me, I'd go with that.
Awesome. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, hey. Sorry. Uh, really quick.
Um, I wasn't too much just now, was I?
You know, like,
if you were writing a review,
you would say that I,
I belong around, uh, people?
Uh, I, uh…
-I don't, I don't know.
-Hey. No, no, no.
Hey. No, it's okay. Don't be weird, okay?
Just don't tell anybody about this, okay--
Jonah, you're not supposed
to be out here near the customers.
But I was good! I was so good
until the, the last part. Tell her.
I'm so sorry about him, sir.
I'll make sure
he doesn't get back out again.
-No, Cheyenne--
-I just wanted to buy a ribeye.
Oh, come on! You didn't know
what you wanted until me!
You were lost! I'm fine…
Eeny, meeny, miney, mo,
which free hot dog gets to go?
What are you doing?
Picking which one to give out next.
You have to have a system.
[Jeff] Hey, I just checked the numbers.
Your score went up.
You're even beating Fenton.
Keep it up!
-We did it!
-[Glenn] You hear that?
-We frickin' did it.
-It worked!
Sorry, Fenton, guess you're gonna have
to stick to your other distinction,
most prostitutes killed
in your parking lot.
Yeah, they can't fire us now.
Dina, I got to admit, you were right.
[water running]
[quirky music sting]
I mean, he's the one buying steak
from a Cloud 9,
so he's the crazy one here.
He's the one who should be
in the back of… wherever he works.
Jonah, we're trying to work.
Why don't you sneak back on the floor
since you obviously think
you're better than this?
No, no. I don't think
I'm better than this, okay?
I think we all are.
You know, none of us are freaks,
or, or shadow people…
Jesus, Dan! How long were you…
My point is, our time and our skills
shouldn't be wasted.
In fact, let's get out of here.
Let's go outside and enjoy the day.
Let's value our own worth,
and take the day back!
You know what? You're right.
-I can do more than move boxes.
-Yes, Justine!
I can be the lead singer
of the coolest band there is,
and I'm the only white one,
and everyone else is Korean.
Yeah, so let's start with going outside,
and, and then, we'll see where we land.
[Justine] Okay.
You know, I bet
they officially congratulate us.
Maybe even something laminated.
Oh, that baby's going right on the wall,
next to asbestos warning, for sure.
-Yeah.
-[shoes squeak]
Whoops. There's a little spill.
[Dina] Huh.
What the hell did you do?
You said to shut down the bathrooms,
so I clogged the toilets with a bunch
of salami and shot glasses.
I meant, like,
hang an "out of order" sign on the door!
Okay, yeah, well, I wish
you would've just said that.
Oh, my God, is this pee-pee water?
Am I gonna get hepatitis?
I knew this was gonna come back
to pinch us in the butt.
Hold on. I think I can fix this.
-[water splashes]
-No. My bad. Made it worse.
Hey, guys. There's a bunch of water
in the hallway.
-Yeah, we're aware.
-It's pee-pee water!
-You could get hep!
-Oh, my God!
No one is going to get hepatitis.
I am… almost sure of it.
We got this.
We'll shut down the water,
and we just have to keep Jeff
from seeing this,
so someone needs to distract him.
Oh, I think Mateo's
the right man for the job.
No. My journey--
Mateo it is. Now, everybody go!
[all groaning]
Wait, let me just try one more thing.
Do not flush that toilet again.
Ah…
[customers murmuring]
[quirky music sting]
-[squeezes]
-Oh, if we could just find an opening,
I'm pretty sure
I could just suck out the clog.
"Super absorbent"? Yeah, right!
Okay, listen, we're gonna need
the big beach towels.
They're seasonal.
We don't get them till next month.
We can't let more water get out
on the floor.
-Move!
-Ugh! Ew! Ew! Ew!
-[splash]
-[yelping, gasps]
Glenn, don't get it in your mouth!
-Is it working?
-No, it's not working!
[whimpering]
[both scream]
Hey, Jeff.
[chuckles nervously]
I just realized we need to catch up.
So, how are you? How are things?
-How are the Subarus?
-Uh, good.
Really good. Everything's good.
I started a gratitude journal.
Oh, well, and, of course,
there's the new guy.
Oh, new guy.
Huh, look at you.
New guy.
[sighs]
Let's talk more about that.
Well, his name is Trevor,
and believe me, he lives up to it.
And let's just say, he likey the Jeff.
Check it out.
Oh, there he is.
Just in a towel.
[awkward chuckle]
You should buy him some clothes
if you like him so much.
[laughing]
No, I see it. Yeah.
Attention, shoppers,
we're aware of the water on the floor,
and it's being taken care of.
We apologize for any inconvenience,
and would like to offer you
a free hot dog…
not from the café,
but a pack from grocery.
They are technically cooked,
so you can just eat them
right out of the bag.
-No, no. You're right. I mean, why not?
-[soft music playing]
You know, a year from now,
we're all gonna be on a cruise together.
We have to.
-Puerto Vallarta, baby.
-Alaska.
Aurora borealis. The colors just dance.
It's like the sky's painting you a poem.
Earl, that's beautiful.
See? We're good out here, guys.
Has anyone tried the orange flavor?
It's like nothing I could've imagined.
Ah, this is great.
[sighs]
I mean, why waste our day in there
when we're not even needed?
Over and over ♪
And over again, my friend ♪
Ah, you don't believe ♪
We're on the eve of… ♪
Well, Trevor is like…
Hmm, how can I put this,
so you'll understand?
It's like if you took
all the best traits of the Avengers,
and put them into one person.
I actually don't understand that,
because I don't watch nerd movies,
but congrats.
Yeah, I guess I'm just the happiest
I've ever been.
I mean, and I wish that for you,
you know I do.
Maybe you can get there one day.
I'm already there, okay?
You don't have to wish me anything,
because I'm the one proposing,
not Garrett.
Eric and I are happier
than you and Trevor.
I'm ahead. You're behind.
You're the one proposing?
Yeah, so we beat you and Trevor--
There is no me and Trevor, okay?
I went out with him once,
and he hasn't called me
in like five weeks!
-Oh, this makes sense now.
-I just wanted everybody
to think old Jeff has still got it,
you know?
I mean, I, I cannot believe I did this.
I, I am pathetic!
Just pathetic…
Wait. Hey. No.
You're not pathetic.
Who covers two districts, huh?
Not me. You have a lot to offer.
-You think so?
-Yeah.
I know things didn't work out between us,
but you were a really good boyfriend.
And honestly, I don't know anyone
who takes better care of their Subarus.
Thanks, Mateo.
What is that?
-Is that water?
-What?
Ugh! Is this working?
Of course not! Go faster!
What the… [bleep]?
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
I mean, what the [bleep]
is wrong with this [bleep] store?
Oh, my God! What happened here?
Jeff, did you do this?
[quirky music]
-The whole store was flooded?
-[Cheyenne] Yeah.
It was nuts, and, like,
a ton of used needles washed out
from under a shelf.
Something's been going down in Housewares.
Okay, well, we're back, and I'm ready,
so what else needs to be done?
Let's get this crew on it.
There's not really anything left to do.
Most of it's already been done.
I mean, I was calling you guys
for a while.
-Where were you?
-Uh, well, we…
We were on a break,
because we deserved one today.
Jonah made us go outside and relax.
We didn't wanna do it.
You came alive out there, Justine.
Don't lie.
Well, did you at least finish
the special assignment?
That was just a bunch of busy work.
Yeah, but if you didn't move
those boxes onto the shelves,
then they were probably damaged
in the flood.
And that was, like,
all new Zephra products,
-so that's, like, really bad.
-Damn it, Jonah!
I knew we should've finished the work,
but you led us astray
with your exotic flavored waters.
No, I just wanted you to understand
that we are all better--
That's the thing.
I'm not better than the work.
I'm a shadow person. And I like it!
Okay, yeah. No, yeah, I get it, so…
So, we'll, yeah, we'll get back there,
and, and assess the--
No. You know what?
You're not wanted in the back.
[fingers snap]
Oh, my God, did you see me
almost follow her?
Like, I literally took a step.
So the store will be closed for a few days
to repair all the water damage.
That's not good for quarterly numbers!
Not to mention all the customer complaints
we're getting about being splashed
with "pee-pee water."
And most are negative!
Some people were into it.
Mm. What a mess, huh?
We don't even really know what happened,
but it did start in the customer bathroom,
so talk to them about their diet, I guess?
So, I should tell corporate
that their plumbing got wrecked,
because a customer ate
and pooped out a whole salami,
and a complete set of shot glasses?
Hey, things can come out of your butt
that didn't start in your mouth.
Glenn, you backing this up?
Mm-hm. That's what I always say.
[scoffs]
Fine. Okay.
This store…
My boyfriend, Trevor,
is not gonna believe the day I've had.
-Fake boyfriend?
-Oh, 100%. Yeah.