Teachers (2001) s02e02 Episode Script

(Kurt) Top five female singers
in order of shaggability.
(Brian) Current or in their prime?
(Kurt) In their prime.
- Debbie Harry.
- (Simon) Madonna.
Celine.
It's like trying to work out
the top five shaggable men ever.
- It's impossible.
- You choose a category then.
What about the top five
members of staff?
Modesty prevents me from entering.
I said top five, not top 55.
- Top of the tree's Penny.
- What a surprise.
She's not emotionally unstable enough
for you, Kurt.
- (All laugh)
- Oh, fuck off.
Here, check out his mobile.
Yeah.
- 12 text messages.
- 43 the other evening.
"Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?"
It sounds like she wants to know why.
- Poor Carol.
- "Poor Carol"? What about me?
- I need help!
- If she's still chasing after you,
she needs the help.
Shag someone else,
she'd know there wasn't a chance.
- How's he gonna manage that?
- Good point.
- (Susan) Set up Carol with someone.
- Well, we'd need a really hopeless case.
- How about Simon?
- (Simon) What about JP?
You thought he was desperate enough
to go out with you.
JP and Carol, I don't think so.
But you think me and Carol's all right?
He'd be in my top five staff members.
Why?
He's good-looking,
intelligent, charming
He's OK in a handsome,
great fun, clichéd kind of way.
You don't find him a little bit irritating?
No. Why, do you?
No, I just threw it in there as a question.
(Slot machine bleeps and pays out)
(The Hives: Hate To Say I Told You So)
(Pedestrian crossing bleeps,
brakes screech)
See you there.
Do what I want cos I can and if I don't
- Because I wanna ♪
- (Horn pips)
- Be ignored by the stiff ♪
- (Mobile beeps)
- How many's that?
- Six, so far.
I don't understand
the fucking hysteria around the bloke.
- Who's getting hysterical?
- Well, you.
- Till he knocked you back.
- It was just a passing thing.
Look at that. See?
What about that lab assistant, Tricia?
The one who smells of sulphur? Ugh.
Occupational hazard.
You don't need to go out with someone.
You just need to look like
you're going out with someone.
Or if every time Carol's around,
she sees you with someone else,
laughing, chatting.
Eventually,
she'll put one and one together.
That is genius.
Penny's got no idea
what a sad little perv you are.
She's the only woman
who wouldn't run a mile
if you stood next to her
for more than 30 seconds.
(Kurt) Perfect.
Sit.
These are the amended schedules
and timetables, as promised.
Sorry they're late.
- Please get to know them.
- Hi.
Pupils gormlessly wandering
the corridors we can cope with
but I'd like to avoid staff doing the same.
I'm starting gate monitors
for the beginning and end of school.
Liz has very kindly drawn up a rota
and this week's winners are
Mr McKenna
and Mr Keating.
Oh, I'm sorry, I can't do it tonight, Clare.
(Low growl)
(Arctic wind whistling)
(Profound subterranean rumbling)
- Sorry?
- (Eruption crashes)
I'm expecting a delivery of videos
for the languages lab.
I don't want valuable resources
sitting around unattended.
Fine. Referring down
to the reserves. Simon.
I've got stuff on today, too.
- What, at the end of school?
- Could be.
(Clare) Put down Mr Casey.
Any more questions?
- (Kurt) Ahem!
- Yes, Mr McKenna.
You wanted to say something?
Er, no, just, er, looking forward to
monitoring the gate.
(Sighs) Thank you, everyone.
How the hell did JP
get out of monitoring?
- Dazzled Clare with his charm.
- We can all be charming.
Go on, then.
It's not something you can just turn on.
I thought that was exactly what it was.
- Clare?
- Problem?
No, I just
Keen as I am to be seen
as a responsible and
- reliable member of staff
- Your point?
I was wondering if I might
be excused monitoring today.
Why?
I had planned to talk
to a couple of my year 11s
straight after school
about their projected grades.
Talk to them tomorrow.
Plus, I'm not feeling 100%,
a touch of the stomach troubles
and I'd really appreciate
- You're not still pulling that one?
- What?
"The tropical disease
I picked up in Malaysia" routine.
But I was doing all right until then, yeah?
Constant reinvention
is the key to a successful skive.
- Ask your pupils.
- (Buzz)
(Girl) A Marechal Niel?
(Boy) No, I'd sooner have a pink rose.
- Why?
- Because you are like a pink rose,
- Cousin Cicely.
- What's missing here?
Brandon sounds bored.
He should be more
- What? Charming?
- Yeah.
OK? And what is charm?
Being nice to someone.
Making them feel good and special.
But isn't it really being nice
to get what you want?
S'pose.
- And what does he want?
- Her.
So he's using it to get into her knickers.
- What does that tell you about charm?
- It's getting what you want.
That it's essentially fake.
(Laughter and talking outside)
Why does it work?
It works because people are suckers
for being told how great they are.
- (Laughing gets louder)
- What the hell's going on?!
Sorry, Mr Casey. We were trying to tell
jokes in French and we got carried away.
- It was just
- No, we were being disruptive.
Can't you lot be more like
Mr Casey's class? They're quiet.
- They were loud earlier.
- Sorry.
Don't worry about it.
Do you wanna go through?
Sorry.
Right where were we?
Charm works
because people are suckers.
(Kurt) Got to get
Carol and Penny in the same room,
then make it look like Penny's
interested in me. Not too difficult.
(Brian) Men have walked on the moon.
Pass it, you big twat!
(Boy) On the wing! Chris, he's out there!
Hey.
(Brian) Imagine the look
on my friends' faces
if I turned up with her on me arm.
I am your friends.
- You'd be surprised, wouldn't you?
- I'd be fucking amazed.
But you wouldn't ask her out,
would you? Seriously?
Nah.
I wouldn't go for Penny
under normal circumstances either.
- Lovely girl but it'd get too complicated.
- Exactly.
Best to keep it all
on a professional standing.
That way, you avoid hurting anyone.
(Brian) And making a tit of yourself.
Hey. (Hiccups)
- (Kurt) Where you going?
- Office.
(Hiccups)
Must be something I've eaten.
- Talk about Penny again.
- Why?
- Just talk about her again.
- Lovely tits.
- (Hiccups)
- Now something else.
Barnsley were robbed Saturday.
You only hiccup when it's to do with her.
- Bollocks.
- Must be a stress-related reflex.
It'll be that kebab I finished for breakfast.
- (Hiccups)
- Stop thinking about her.
- How's it going?
- Great.
If you're up for it tonight,
I'm going to this new bar.
Always ready to broaden our horizons.
You've had a lot of experience
with females, haven't you?
- You're asking for advice about women?
- We need help.
Well, I might not be
the authority you think I am.
You've got to be better than us.
Backs of the thighs are my favourite.
Are you coming for a drink?
Sorry, are you talking to me?
We thought
we'd try somewhere different.
- Who's we?
- JP suggested somewhere.
Won't I be in the way? If you're gonna
beg for a second chance
Shut up now.
How's that gonna work?
That's what I said.
If you have to do this, don't sneak
around like idiots, talk to Penny direct.
What are they talking about?
I'm only halfway through
my lip-reading course.
Who's on for tonight? Simon?
Hands up who remembers me
suggesting going
to another pub last week.
- You suggested a shithole.
- This place is all right.
- I think I'll go down the pub.
- Why?
- Because I like the pub.
- Let's go to the pub, then.
You don't have to go just cos I'm going.
- I like the pub, too.
- You don't have to.
- Yeah, I know.
- As long as we're clear.
That's settled then.
- You're going to the pub now?
- Looks like it.
What if I was looking forward
to a night away from you lot?
..folks who knew me well,
they'll say, nice boy
He's always been well behaved
Kind of strange ♪
Another day ends and the pub beckons.
Actually, I think I might
give it a miss tonight.
That's a turnaround, isn't it?
From social secretary to
antisocial secretary.
I just decided to have a night on me own.
It's women who are supposed
to have the mood swings.
- You're starting to sound like Simon.
- Is he all right?
Are you talking physically
or psychologically?
He seems pissed off about something.
He's always pissed off.
It's like I've done something
to wind him up.
Being a likeable, entertaining,
half-decent human being
who gets on with his friends
has something to do with it.
Plus the fact that most of the women
in the school fancy you.
Would it make a difference
if he knew I was gay?
You're male and under 25.
He's looking over his shoulder.
Don't worry. It's fun watching him
run around like a mental case,
trying to read you
and getting it so wrong.
- Excellent.
- (Susan laughs)
(Slot machine bleeps)
(Hiccups)
There's a quiz night here
on a Wednesday.
Really?
(Susan) Make a note in your diary.
(Simon) OK, top five
world leaders' wives.
Hillary Clinton,
- Mrs Gorbachev.
- Imelda Marcos.
Is this what you always do?
- (Simon) No.
- Yes it is.
It's only the categories that change.
I can't take any more stimulation.
I'm heading home.
Thank you for the recreation
of my Auntie Margaret's funeral.
(Penny) I've got a game,
if anyone fancies playing it.
(Susan) Anything.
What are you thinking right now?
- What?
- You say it, that's the game.
- That's not a game.
- It is, what were you thinking?
Fantastic tits. (Hiccups)
- What?
- Did I say that out loud?
Er, maybe it's not such a great game
to play in present company.
I can't take all the credit, actually.
- They're not real?
- Had them done three years ago.
- How could you afford that?
- On HP.
They're false?
They still look and feel like the real thing.
- Do they?
- Feel 'em.
Erm
Christ.
Oh, I thought they'd be hard.
No, you have to massage them
every day when they're first in.
- Keep them malleable.
- Don't they feel weird?
- You get used to it.
- And, er,
are the nipples still sensitive?
Very.
Congratulations. You're the first person
to have maintained their full attention
for, er, 30 seconds.
31 32
(Simon sighs)
Don't sit here all night. Cheers.
(Susan) See you tomorrow.
Same time, same place.
What did he mean by that?
He meant don't sit
in here drinking all night.
No, he meant don't sit in here too long
cos it's a shithole.
And cheers meant, "Thanks for
reinforcing my preconceptions
"about what this evening
was gonna be like."
Anything to be read into
the way he put on his jacket?
How does he manage to make
me feel like a complete wanker?
He doesn't have to work hard to do that.
- He shouldn't even be here.
- Why not?
Because he hasn't
been around long enough.
You wait to get invited in,
then you do the apprenticeship thing,
work your way up to acceptance
until you achieve inclusion.
Then, and only then, can you suggest
an alternative place to fucking drink.
You don't think
you're overreacting a little bit?
- No.
- It's totally understandable.
- What is?
- You feeling a bit resentful.
I do not feel resentful.
What then? Challenged, threatened?
Give me one good reason
why I should feel threatened.
He's new, therefore, novel.
He's young, smart, funny, charming,
enthusiastic, reliable, responsible,
gets on with the staff and the kids,
does his job well,
appeals to both women
and men,
has good taste, good teeth,
a good body
I only asked for one.
(Feeder: Turn)
See you there.
Seeing things, going places
Living out of suitcases
Every day's like a dream ♪
(Alarm bleeping)
I find myself talking to shadows ♪
Whoa!
- Watch it!
- Sorry, mate.
Taking the train of youth
back home again ♪
(Simon) Coming through!
Cos I
Don't want to be a hero
But I ♪
Whoa! Sorry, love.
Don't want to be a zero
And I don't want
to sit here wasting time
I just want a place
inside your mind ♪
How many?
- Eight. Got to talk to Penny.
- I'll talk to her, if you like.
You wouldn't get the words out,
you soppy git.
- I can't help it.
- False tits, though.
False leg, who gives a fuck?
What happens if she doesn't
keep up on the HP payments?
Do they come round
and take them back?
Hopefully, they go for
the television and video first.
(JP) Morning, lads.
(Kurt) Morning.
(Muttering)
Go for it.
Remember, it's pretend.
Hey!
(Sighs)
- He's blowing it.
- Get in there and help him.
(Loud hiccup)
You've still got them, then.
What? (Hiccups) What?
Hiccups.
Not really.
Erm
Kurt wants to know
if you'll help him with something.
Er, it's delicate.
Very delicate. (Hiccups)
Concerning a certain assistant
to a head teacher.
(Brian) Who wears glasses.
Carol's having trouble coming to terms
with her split from Kurt.
- Oh, no.
- He wants to make clear to her
that it's over without upsetting her again.
So he needs someone,
a new girlfriend, to be seen with.
You want me to go out with Kurt?
(Loudly) Pretend. It's only pretend.
- Why don't you talk to her?
- l-l can't.
She's hanging on, it's doing her no good.
She's making herself ill.
That's awful.
- I knew you'd understand.
- I meant for Carol.
Now you mention it, I did sense
a lot of negative energy in that office.
We need to let her down gently.
And you think this is the best
thing for both of you?
I just don't wanna rub salt in the wounds.
I've got a free period.
We can talk it through.
I've got a lesson now,
could we do it (hiccups) later?
Let's go.
In a dormant volcano,
the hump is more rounded.
Like a like a
Like a what, sir?
Er, (hiccups)
rounded thing.
I think Kurt's planning
to break our agreement.
What agreement?
That neither of us
is going to go after Penny.
That they're just gonna pretend
to be an item for Carol.
- This is JP's plan?
- It'll work if Kurt doesn't bollocks it.
Have you checked out
gate monitors for today?
- You're down to fill in for JP.
- He must be busy again.
Amazing how busy he keeps himself.
He must have another delivery.
- He really had one yesterday?
- If he says he did.
JP, Brian wants a quick word with you.
- Do I?
- He's, er,
he's got badminton after school.
Now he's covering for you,
he's got this gate monitor stuff on.
- Why didn't you say so?
- He is saying so now.
If it's a problem, I can do it.
No delivery today then?
Yeah, but if Brian can't cover
Busy department, languages.
Do they deliver one tape at a time?
They changed it last minute to today.
But if it's difficult, I'll do the monitoring.
- (Brian) Cheers, mate.
- Not a problem.
That's that sorted.
- He's cleverer than I thought.
- Is he?
He said "yes" cos he knew
I was testing him.
He didn't wanna look bad. You wait.
He'll be palming it off
onto someone else in five minutes.
(Bell)
After negotiation, emotional blackmail
and the odd white lie,
Penny agreed to help.
We liaise in the office in five minutes.
- What do you want me to do?
- Nothing.
- Penny and I can handle it.
- This is all as we discussed, right?
- What did we discuss?
- You know, about complications?
Kurt and a woman?
Complications come with the territory.
- I'm coming in.
- Fine.
- Ready?
- When you are.
(Hiccups)
- How's it going?
- All right.
- All right.
- How are you, er,
getting on with the new bloke?
Er, don't have him
but he seems all right.
You, er You, er like him?
Yeah, he's all right.
As all right as, say
me?
Yeah.
No
worse or better?
No.
You don't find him a bit too pushy?
No.
Not a bit too cheerful?
- I quite like that.
- Good, good.
Good.
- What was that all about?
- Fuck knows.
Hi. Is Carol around?
She's chasing up stationery supplies.
Will I not do?
- Not for this, no.
- Intriguing.
Penny, how are you?
- Good. Er, you?
- Yeah, very good.
Er, great to see you.
(Hiccups)
- Is Carol coming back soon?
- Why?
- No reason.
- Why do you want to see her?
I'll try again later.
- Erm, thanks, Liz.
- Er
Didn't you wanna get something
from the office, from Carol?
- Carol's not here.
- And I can't help, apparently.
So, I'm-I'm leaving.
(Hiccups)
- What were you doing?
- What?
- You know what.
- Give me a hint.
Your fucking arm around Penny.
- What about it?
- We had an agreement.
So?
This is a selfless act
Penny's performing, to help Carol.
You think so.
Who else would have agreed
to appear as your girlfriend?
- You tell me.
- No one.
Exactly. So why do you think she did?
- And don't say to help Carol.
- Why else?
- Maybe she enjoys it.
- Bollocks!
If she's willing to appear as my girlfriend,
maybe she fancies being my girlfriend.
And if she does, I'd be an idiot
to pass it up, wouldn't I? Eh?
I don't think I can stand
that pub for another night.
We're not going to the pub.
Aren't we?
There's a karaoke night on
at the bar JP was talking about.
I'd rather have my arms
hacked off with a rusty chisel.
- That can be arranged.
- I'm going to the pub.
I thought you couldn't stand
another night there.
- At least it'll be quiet.
- Because you'll be on your own.
- I do have other friends.
- Who?
I don't need fucking Jim-Bob
to organise my social life.
What are you scared of,
that it'll be a good night?
- I know it'll be a good night.
- So why not come?
Because I've got better things to do
than reinforce the false impression
that I don't have better things to do.
Are you feeling rejected
by your friends, ignored?
I feel like part of the fucking furniture.
There are no easy answers
to an identity crisis.
- This isn't an identity crisis.
- Classic case.
Are people finding me less interesting,
do I need to reinvent myself?
You can't suddenly
become what you're not.
You have your own peculiar appeal.
A kind of whingeing,
useless, moaning charm.
That's why I come to you. You always
make me feel so much better.
It's not a competition
between you and JP.
(Quiet humming)
(Quietly hums)
Something we can do for you?
No, I was just
just checking the new rota.
(Sighs)
Been a long day.
- Yep.
- (Carol continues humming)
Tired. Need to unwind.
Dry throat.
Is this list of mundane ailments
leading anywhere?
Oh, I was just thinking, you
You don't fancy a drink tonight, do you?
- Has everyone else died?
- No, I just
thought you might fancy
going for a drink.
- Where are the other two?
- I don't know and I don't care.
You've had a falling out
and you've got no one else to play with.
- Do you wanna go for a drink?
- Love to.
- Great.
- But unfortunately, I'm already busy.
(Carol continues humming)
How about you?
- She's busy, too.
- Thought I'd ask.
(Susan) Pretend I'm Penny. Talk to me.
(Brian) You look nothing like her.
- Better?
- (Hiccups)
Good. Go again.
- Une pipe.
- Une pipe.
(Laughing)
I, er, don't suppose you fancy
going out for a drink tonight.
- No, right. Stupid idea.
- Drink?
- Yeah, just a thought.
- Where, in a pub?
- That's the general idea.
- Yeah, I'd love to. Yeah.
Thanks for asking.
- Sort out Brian?
- If he stops hiccuping,
he starts belching.
We've stuck to the hiccups.
- Sorted out your evening?
- Yes.
I don't know why
you're letting this get to you.
I don't like that my friends
are suddenly his friends.
Maybe it's because you're similar.
You like the same people,
the same people like you.
Except they seem to like him more.
They just haven't found
his irritating bits yet.
I-I-I've got irritating bits?
Stunted emotions,
the need to be centre of attention,
the constant reassurance needed.
- Isn't, isn't that everyone?
- Only once you get to know them.
So, he's similar to me but newer?
- It's a theory.
- And, therefore, more
exciting and attractive?
- Well
- You're saying he's like me but better.
(Susan) Have you got homes to go to?
Thank you.
It's sabotage.
I did not nick your deodorant
or your hair gel. All right?
Look at me, for fuck's sake.
- You definitely not coming?
- How's it going with Kurt?
- OK.
- Why are you doing it?
Chasing after somebody
who's not interested is the worst thing.
- I've been there.
- You don't think it's unfair to her?
No more unfair than your plan was.
Can I ask you something?
When you look at me, what do you see?
I don't know. Erm, a teacher.
You see a teacher first?
Do I detect a crisis of identity here?
Oh, for fuck's sake, no.
I know all about identity crisises.
From the age of 13 to 19, I was invisible.
Literally?
- When were you born?
- January 28th 1974. Why?
Aquarius with Venus rising.
Is that is that good?
The water carrier, erm,
single-minded but neurotic,
prone to self-doubt and back problems.
If you give me the time of day
that you were born,
- I can do your chart.
- I don't need a chart.
That's what everybody
who needs a chart says.
What triggered this off?
Er, I I thought I knew who I was
but I'm not him, apparently,
but I'm still trying to be him
and not coming to terms
with who I really am
and now someone else is him
and I'm fuck knows.
Believe me, you need a chart.
- Get off.
- (Laughing)
You're sweating already.
Oh, shit.
Don't worry. Some women like that.
Some women like what?
Sweaty, smelly little blokes
with crap hair.
What's going on with you and Penny?
- Ah, you've noticed.
- She asked me about you.
About any previous sexual deviancy
I might be aware of.
This got anything to do
with you and Carol?
What, someone can't be
interested in me for me? Is that it?
It has to be part of some sordid little plan
cooked up to get Carol off my back?
Well, thanks very much.
I thought I was held
in a bit more esteem than that.
- What plan?
- Don't tell 'em.
I really should be holding you
Holding you, loving you
Loving you ♪
- What are we all having?
- Er, beer for me and, er
- Bacardi and coke for the lady.
- What are you doing?
- Just being friendly.
- Carol's not even here yet.
With no one beside you ♪
Right.
Does Penny know what she's taking on?
She's not remotely
fucking interested in Kurt.
I mean, does she know about
Carol's psychotic tendencies?
- We forgot to mention it.
- Shouldn't you?
We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
So he goes, "Let's all go to karaoke."
And immediately, everyone says,
"Karaoke, yeah!"
- We can go to karaoke
- I don't want to go to fucking karaoke!
I never wanted to go to karaoke.
- Your choice.
- And I chose to come here
with you.
If we're gonna start trading in self-pity,
I warn you now,
I'm gonna win hands down.
What can happen to you?
You don't get your coursework in
or Clare has a go
- Don't talk to me about Clare.
- You don't like Clare?
Clare is fine,
it's what she is that chokes me.
Three times I have applied
for the headship
and three times
I've been over-fucking-looked.
- Don't get me going on that.
- Fine.
No, no, it's too late.
I'm going to get another round.
Actually, I'm feeling pretty tired.
- I think I'll get my head down.
- Sit!
Don't go away.
Would you ever, in a million years,
shag either of these two?
- Never.
- And have you ever,
in any way, shape or form, fancied them?
- No.
- Clear things up?
Where does that leave the deal?
Deal's off.
Next time you manipulate someone
into participating in one
of your acts of gross stupidity,
at least have the courtesy
to warn them of the consequences.
If that's what you are
I'm moving on up ♪
(Brian) Bit harsh.
Penny was put in an impossible position.
How could she have said yes
to either of those questions?
True. But "never" and "no"
seem pretty conclusive.
(Kurt) Oh, fuck it, she's here.
(Brian) And looking particularly unstable.
They brag a man has walked in space
But you can't even find my place ♪
You've stopped hiccuping.
- Oh, yeah.
- Get us a drink, mate.
- It's your round.
- I can't go to the bar now.
(Sighs) Give me the money.
- Er, er
- Two bottles of lager, mate.
- Yeah.
- (Carol mutters, indistinct)
- No, you don't.
- Not a bad place.
No. Could have done
without hitting happy hour
- with human sponge, here.
- (Carol sighs)
Well, stay happy.
Things could be worse, I s'pose.
You know,
I, I haven't had
sex
since my last child was born.
How old are they?
(Blockbuster on Karaoke)
You look in his eyes
Don't be surprised
You'll never know what's going on
behind the disguise
Nobody knows
Where Buster goes
He'll steal your woman out ♪
(Liz) Uh-oh.
Carol.
Ca Carol!
..what to do ♪
(Feedback)
(Music stops)
- (Carol mumbles)
- What?
- Oh, what now?
- (Carol mumbles)
(Never Gonna Give You Up)
(Tuneless and quivering)
We're no strangers to love ♪
- Oh, fuck, no.
- You know the rules
And so do I
A full commitment's
what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this ♪
This is turning into
the worst night of my fucking life.
I just wanna tell you what I'm feeling
Never make you understand ♪
- Help. Anyone.
- Never gonna give you up
- Never gonna let you down ♪
- For God's sake.
..play around, desert you
Never gonna say goodbye ♪
(Feedback)
- Come on, Carol. Home time.
- (Carol sobs)
(Crowd applaud)
Fucking hell!
This will never, ever crop up
in a conversation between us again.
Understood? In fact,
you will erase it from your memory.
I've already forgotten it.
I'd obviously prefer
if you didn't talk to anybody
about, you know, what I told you tonight.
- Goes without saying.
- Cheers, mate.
- (Simon) Steady, eh?
- Yeah! Whoo!
(Simon laughs)
Here y'are, mate!
(TV) 'That capsule contained
the strongest soporifics we have.'
- (Door slams, clattering)
- 'A sleeping pill?'
'It induces a sleep so deep,
they might be taken for dead.'
You were missed.
- (Clattering)
- Shit.
'..suicides, that later turned up alive.'
Ta.
Someone said they saw you
going out with Bob.
Don't worry. I told them they
must have been hallucinating.
Ah, he needed someone to talk to.
You gave up a top evening out
to go for a drink with Bob?
There was stuff he needed
to get off his chest.
Yeah?
Of a highly confidential
and personal nature.
What?
He didn't get the headship
at the third attempt
and he hasn't had a shag in 23 years.
- Fucking hell.
- That's what I said.
So, how was, how was your evening?
We got knocked back by Penny.
You amaze me.
We didn't bank on Jenny
shoving her oar in.
So, the golden boy's plan failed.
(Stealin Beats: Kid Galahad)
Hey!
See you there!
Whoo!
Fat cats in fat slacks
King Kong silverback
Cuban silk cigars,
stretched decanter ♪
- Any messages?
- One.
- "Bye."
- That's it?
Yep.
You're in the clear, then.
Swingers sway to town ♪
I heard it was a bit
of a disappointing evening.
- It had its moments.
- So I hear.
Kurt said it was like being kissed
by a vacuum cleaner.
And how was Bob?
We've got a much better understanding
of each other now.
- Is that good or bad?
- It's gotta be good.
- Sorry about last night.
- What?
Well, I got the impression
it wasn't a great success.
- It was all right, wasn't it?
- (Both) Yeah.
(Mobile bleeps)
That's the third
text message this morning.
What does it say?
"I know where you live."
D'you get home all right?
Course.
You were out like a light
as soon as you hit the bus seat.
- Got those lesson plans for me?
- I'll get them to you.
- End of tomorrow, latest.
- Oh, I'll try.
- Don't just try, do it.
- What's wrong with you?
Just cos we go out for a drink,
it doesn't change anything here.
I still want those plans
and I want them on time. Understand?
Bob's even worse than he was before.
Course he is, he's opened up to you.
He's scared you're going to blab.
I wouldn't want anyone knowing
I hadn't had sex in 23 years
and I'd failed three times
to get the headship,
- so I'm not about to blab.
- You just have.
- Shit.
- He just needs reassuring.
Who fucking doesn't?
Still worried about becoming
part of the furniture?
Nah. Should I be?
No more than anyone else.
Just you're more Parker Knoll
than Terence Conran
steamed beechwood recliner.
- And JP's the recliner.
- For now.
- Well, what are you?
- I'm more your wood-frame wingback.
A common-sense buy
with added comfort.
And in cupboard terms?
You're a Welsh dresser
to his maple hi-fi unit.
Single file down the corridors.
Table?
Mahogany-effect nest to his
blond wood glass-topped occasional.
Shall I go on?
So I'm functional rather than exciting.
- Functional's good.
- But it's not dazzling.
- You'll have your moments.
- Yeah?
And I'd far rather sit on something
functional than dazzling.
Are we still talking furniture?
We are still talking furniture.