Teachers (2001) s02e03 Episode Script

(Kurt) In a double bed,
silk sheets, candles, champagne,
- soft music, with Clare.
- (Brian) Or?
Or on the floor of
the staff toilet with Penny.
(Brian) Penny.
I'd settle for Clare
on the floor of the staff toilet now.
- I'm off. I'll see you.
- Nine weeks.
Nine fucking weeks
since I last had a shag. Unbelievable.
- You know
- Anyone fancy a drink?
- I'm OK.
- I'm fine.
I've got to get some sleep.
Bye-bye, children.
- (All) Bye.
- Can I ask a favour?
- Sure.
- Can I stay at yours tonight?
The family I'm lodging with
It's a long story.
But I've got to find somewhere else.
We're full up. Can't help you.
- There's the floor.
- Which floor?
In the living room.
My room? He can't stay there.
- Why not?
- I might
meet someone later
and she might wanna, you know
sleep with me.
Nah.
(Shutters clatter)
(Groans) God.
Morning.
Ugh!
(Music cue)
- Whoo, whoo
- Eight track
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
Whoo, whoo
Sound system
We've got an eight track
With it, we're trying to carry names
Turn up the sound, turn up the sound
Up the sound
Sound
Whoo, whoo
Whoo, whoo
Whoo, whoo
Whoo, whoo
Whoo, whoo ♪
- "..confusing personal issues
- La la la la la la!
- "with financial obligations."
- La la la la.
- You're Taurus, yeah?
- La la la la la.
- "With the sun influencing
- La la la la.
- La la
- Hang on. I wanna hear mine.
What for?
There might be something in it.
Can you tell us whether Simon's
gonna have sex before Christmas?
We all know the answer to that one.
(Chuckles) Fuck off.
How long's it been?
Erm
is that any of your business?
- (Kurt) Nine weeks.
- But multiply that by seven.
- What?
- It's like dog years.
So that means you've been celibate
for the equivalent of
- 63 weeks.
- What, you mean, no sex
Since Jenny?
She was the last person you shagged?
Does it really matter?
- It does to you.
- (Kurt) Nothing since Jenny.
Oh.
No wonder we run out of tissues.
Didn't you give Maggie one
before you dumped her?
- No.
- Prat.
Maybe this is the curse of Jenny.
Maybe every bloke she sleeps with
never has sex ever again.
I have. I've had plenty of sex
since Jenny.
Sex with yourself doesn't count.
Morning. A reminder that
it's uniform and facial hair week.
I don't want to see any students
wearing non-regulation
clothing or footwear.
Confiscate offending items
and bring them to my office.
Carol will show you where to put them.
Moustaches and beards
must be shaved off
and I will want students
who flout the rules
to be sent home to get rid of them.
Sideburns
I leave to your discretion. Thank you.
You know, I've never really
looked at Clare's arse before
Oh, shit, I've gotta find someone to shag.
Lee,
Martin,
Robin, Anna
- Brandon.
- Yeah.
- What's that?
- You tell me, sir.
- It's a moustache.
- Well done.
They're not allowed.
Is that why you haven't got one, sir?
I could grow a moustache.
(Bell)
(Banging)
OK, The Crucible.
- Let's start at the beginning.
- Is there any sex in it, sir?
- Is that important?
- You normally go on about it.
- That's That's not true.
- Yes, it is.
Not today.
Today, we're gonna talk about
What?
(Howling wind)
(Bell)
Sit down! Sit down.
- That can't be right.
- It's the fire alarm.
Is there supposed to be a drill?
We ought to evacuate, sir.
I know. I know.
Where do we go?
OK, come on, quickly. Move along.
(Kurt) You've seen me
with a moustache, haven't you?
(Brian) I've seen you with
some fluffy stuff round your chin.
On holiday I didn't shave
for a week, remember?
- No.
- I had a moustache and a beard.
I was going to keep a goatee
but you said it didn't suit me.
- (Siren)
- Are you sure?
I thought it looked really good.
No one looks good with a goatee.
That's what you said.
That's why I shaved it off.
I don't remember any of that.
I must've been pissed.
- For a whole week?
- Yeah.
Year 11's round the back.
You should know that.
Oh, I do, I just
- Kimberley Sutcliffe's 3-1.
- Sorry?
Kurt's taking bets
as to who's starting the fires.
- Kimberley's a firm favourite.
- 3-1.
Kayla, Kimberley.
(Bach: Toccata and Fugue in D minor)
OK
Kimberley, do you know who I am?
My name's Alec
and I'm here to try and help you.
I'm what we call
an educational psychologist.
All that means is you can talk to me
about anything you like
and I'll listen very carefully.
So, let's make a start, shall we?
You were happy at your previous school.
No problems there?
So what's changed?
Mr Steadman says you're always
getting into trouble these days.
I didn't say that exactly.
- Is Clare in there?
- (Sighs deeply)
Carol.
- This is pathetic.
- (Mumbles) ..pathetic.
What?
Jenny.
Oh, hi.
- Alec.
- Alec.
Of course.
(Moaning)
(Ecstatic moaning and groaning)
(Animalistic orgasmic cries)
(Climactic roaring)
- What noise?
- (Susan) I can't do it.
Was it like mmm-ha!
No.
A sort of moaning to begin with
like she was uncomfortable.
Mmm-hah!
No.
Just do it now quietly.
It was
Ah
I really can't.
Anyway, you must've heard it.
I'd have thought you'd remember
every detail of your last shag.
Well, there was plenty of noise,
lots of action.
All sorts of groaning and stuff.
Groaning. Mm.
You really must know
how to satisfy a woman.
Jenny seemed happy.
- Who was the bloke?
- Was it a bloke?
Sounded like a bloke.
Not that he said much.
- Anyone we know?
- I didn't see.
Didn't you stick your head
round the door?
Mm. What do you think?
- About what?
- My moustache.
Can you tell I haven't shaved?
- No.
- You didn't look.
(Spitting)
(Music cue)
People try to judge me
They remember the old me
Try to see within me
All I know is all I own
Everybody's moving
Get the feeling grooving
Got the rhythm through me
- What will be is what ♪
- (Screeching brakes)
(Kurt) A fiver says it's the piano tuner.
Who?
Jenny was talking to the bloke
who tunes the piano last week.
That'll be who she's shagging.
He's blind or deaf or something.
If he can't hear,
how does he tune a piano?
Blind, then.
Maybe that's why he's so good in bed.
- Who says he's good in bed?
- I think I can vouch for that.
That happens when you lose a sense.
Your other senses get better.
I don't think that applies
to sexual technique.
Might do. Your eyesight
and knob are connected.
- Do explain.
- Wanking makes you blind.
That's true. Er, Simon
how many fingers am I holding up?
Fuck off.
Er, can I ask you something?
There is nothing I can say
that's going to help you
grow a moustache.
Cheers.
(Laughs)
Have I missed something funny?
Simon was telling this joke.
It was fucking hilarious.
- He's over there now.
- Then I'll stay here.
Me too.
(Simon groans)
Ah, just ignore them.
You don't think I try?
Go and find a girl, talk to her,
shag her.
What, just like that?
Yeah.
OK, I'm a woman. You're a man.
We've just met in the bar.
What do you say?
Hello.
Excuse me. Would you like
to have a drink with me?
- No.
- Why not?
That "excuse me" was too creepy.
(Sighs heavily)
Hi.
Too cocky.
- I don't suppose
- Too nervous.
Get your coat, you've pulled.
Yeah. That's perfect.
What's happened to me?
- The curse of Jenny.
- Yeah, could be.
She's humping away every night
and I'm here talking shite.
Give it time. You just need
to sort out some opening lines.
And some follow-ups.
And then how
you're gonna take it from there.
I'm never gonna have sex again, am I?
You might. Just the once.
I want it more than that.
More than one person's going to fall
for your scabby old chat-up lines?
It's possible.
So what the fuck do I do, then?
I don't know.
Look, let's say you do find
some poor girl stupid enough or
drunk enough to get into bed with you
- Yeah.
- ..don't let her go.
How do you mean?
Well, if she's fallen for it once,
there's a fair chance
she'll fall for it again.
What, like a girlfriend?
Exactly.
- A girlfriend.
- Mm.
You know, that's not such a bad idea.
Even if I did pull,
where am I going to take a girl?
Back to the Bates Motel?
I thought you liked
living with Brian and Kurt.
Yeah, I did.
What are you going to do about it?
- Move out, I guess.
- And live where?
- Dunno.
- By yourself?
- Maybe.
- With your girlfriend?
Oh, no, I forgot!
You haven't got one.
You don't fancy sharing with me,
do you?
Susan?
Is that a no?
(Low conversation)
Will they talk about us
when we start shagging?
- That's not gonna happen.
- Not me and you.
I mean, if you get a girlfriend,
are they going to discuss it
as much as Jenny?
Yeah, if I get a girlfriend,
they may discuss it.
And if I get a boyfriend,
they'll try to guess who he is.
Unless it's one of them.
Especially if it's one of them.
Which one would it be?
If you had to shag one of that lot tonight,
who would it be?
If I had to
- Oh, God.
- What?
It's like we're playing one of their games.
We're turning into them.
(Door slams)
(Gasps)
Sorry. Didn't know you were here.
No, I'm sorry.
I didn't think anyone was
Er, sorry.
I'd better
(Groaning)
(Bed squeaks and groaning intensifies)
(Orgasmic groaning)
(Yelling and roaring)
- (Roaring echoes)
- Yes, I'll live with you.
- What?
- I'll move out and share a flat with you.
But there are rules.
One, no talking before or during
breakfast. Two, no talking about work.
Three, no talking if I don't want to talk.
Four, if you get on my nerve
you have to sit quietly in another room
until I tell you it's OK
to come out. All right?
- Yeah, yeah, I think so.
- Good.
(Clinking on cup)
Just to let you know
the person shagging Jenny is
Alec.
(Brian) The Ed Psych?
- He's only just got here.
- They met a while ago.
Some residential course in Snowdonia.
The words you're looking for
are, "Thank you".
Fucking hell!
(Alarm)
(Simon) Would you say
he was good-looking?
(Susan) Yeah. Why?
I wouldn't have thought
he was Jenny's type.
- Who says she's got a type?
- Everyone's got a type.
What's yours? Female with a pulse?
(Chuckles)
Here's one. "Two bedrooms,
living room, kitchen, diner."
- How big's the living room?
- It doesn't say.
We'll need one at least 15 foot by 12.
Well, that's massive.
- You can't share a room any smaller.
- Says who?
I've tried it. It doesn't work.
(Simon) OK, line up now! Single file.
You were gonna shave that off.
And you were gonna grow one.
Oh, hang on
Coming along nicely, sir.
- Only joking.
- (Kids laugh)
- It's Alec, isn't it?
- Yes.
I was just wondering
I think I need some help.
From me?
When I was their age,
I was too scared of my teachers to talk.
Now he's arrived, they all laugh at me.
At you or with you?
At me. Definitely.
- It's all down to Brandon.
- What's he done?
He
pretended he couldn't see
my moustache.
Is Brandon the only disruptive student?
He's the worst.
If he was in hospital ill,
that'd be all right
if he was off school for a while.
You'd like him to be in hospital?
Is that too much?
Well, I think you might have blown this
out of proportion just a tiny bit.
(Music cue)
Let me tell you 'bout
the end of the beginning ♪
OK.
Armchair number one
here
at right angles to armchair number two.
Not too close.
Not too far away.
You can pass a packet
of crisps without getting up.
- OK
- This is the sofa
facing armchair one.
Again
not too close and not too far away.
Right.
Do you think
I should rise above Brandon?
- Physically?
- Alec thinks I'm obsessing.
We got talking.
- When?
- This morning.
He made a lot of sense,
some good suggestions.
- Such as?
- Avoid confrontation.
(Giggles) It seems to me
you should show Brandon who's boss.
- Really?
- Hm.
I'll double-check with Alec
and see what he thinks.
Just a moment, Ricky.
Did you look in the mirror today?
- Yes.
- Good.
Then you must've seen
the bum fluff on your top lip.
Some people might think
it's a sign of maturity.
You and I both know
it just makes you look like a twat.
I'm not being funny, miss,
but you've got a bit of a tache yourself.
(Brian) So you're gonna live with Susan?
- Yeah.
- Like a couple?
- No.
- Think you'll see her naked?
- No.
- You might.
That's not why I'm doing this.
- Don't you fancy her?
- Don't think so.
- Why not? She's a woman.
- She's Susan.
It'd make a lot of sense if you did.
She'd be in your flat.
You could try and shag her.
- It's Susan.
- You are desperate.
- That's true.
- And she's pretty fit.
Even if you don't fancy her,
you could still shag her. I would.
- I won't have to chat her up.
- No need.
Maybe I could make myself fancy her
if I made an effort.
(Romantic waltz)
(Birdsong)
Do you think I've got a moustache?
Two bedrooms, living room, kitchen,
use of communal garden.
You can see it, can't you?
What's wrong?
You know in this light from here,
- you don't look too bad.
- I'm sorry?
I mean, you're not unattractive.
Objectively, you've got
all the bits in the right place,
and your face, well, it's OK, isn't it?
- Is it?
- Shiny hair, nose not too big,
lips
under the nose, and your eyes
bit bloodshot maybe
but nothing an early night couldn't fix.
Finished?
(Mouths)
Good.
So, how about this flat? Should we?
Wear skirts more often. They suit you.
My mum thinks Kimberley
should get an individual action plan.
Oh, really?
She thinks the system's
let her down - and you have.
I don't care what
your mum thinks about anything.
Good afternoon, Mr Steadman.
It would be tricky enough
if she was just another student
- but her mum works here
- Who are we talking about?
- Kayla.
- I haven't got time for this.
- You found time for Kurt.
- Kurt's got issues.
I've got issues! Well, one issue. Kayla.
A 12-year-old girl?
She might be 12 on paper.
It's like she's 25 in real life.
Why 25?
It's a bigger number than 12.
- So why pick on that age?
- It's just a random number.
The point is, Kayla's a little bastard
who's doing my head in.
No, the point is she's a schoolgirl
and you're a grown-up teacher.
Supposedly.
(Water pouring)
- Why doesn't he talk to me?
- He wants professional help.
- What am I?
- A teacher.
For God's sake, I'm going to bleach it.
- I wasn't
- Do you want to give me a complex?
No, I was just thinking.
About?
Whether I want a biscuit or not.
You will let me know, won't you?
Are you sure
they haven't shagged before?
- He says they didn't.
- They went to college together.
Maybe they tried but it didn't work out.
- Why not?
- Maybe she's deformed.
Maybe she's got a third nipple.
A big, fucking purple nodule
in the middle of her chest.
Simon couldn't even look at it
let alone touch it.
Yeah, that's possible.
Why don't you ask him?
No, he's probably spent years
trying to block it out.
Have you tried getting drunk with her?
I do that down the pub every night.
No, I mean just the two of you
across a table somewhere dark.
You drink lots of wine
and then stick your face close to hers.
She goes blurry
and your mind starts playing tricks -
she's the most beautiful woman
in the world.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
You won't even remember
about her deformities.
If she's got any.
Works every time.
Yeah, sounds good.
(Susan) Simon! Simon!
I found one. Ten minutes from school
big garden, not too expensive.
What do you think?
What do you think?
How big's the living room?
(Chuckling)
Can I, er
- come back to yours for a bit?
- What for?
I, er thought it might be nice
to have a chat.
A chat? About what?
- You think Alec will be there.
- Eh?
You want to hear them shagging
and hear Jenny make her noise.
Yeah, that's right.
- Pervert.
- Me?
You're the one who listens every night.
I don't go round impersonating Jenny.
- I won't stay for long.
- No.
- Half an hour.
- No.
Ten minutes.
Ten minutes?
No.
(Birdsong)
- What are you doing here?
- Eh?
I couldn't stay at my place
so I came round.
Fucking hell!
So what about me?
I can't take it
What I wanna be
I won't make it
What about me?
I can't take it
Hear me when I speak
I won't make it
But sometimes I feel it
You know how it is
You wake up in the morning
and everything fits
I'm still hoping tomorrow feels like this
My perfect day ♪
Alec, have you got five minutes?
- Now?
- Yeah.
OK.
(Alarm)
(Simon sighs)
(Simon) I can look at her
and I can see she's beautiful.
Objectively, there's no doubt about it.
She's gorgeous.
- (Siren)
- So how come I don't fancy her?
You tell me.
I can't, can I?
That's why I'm asking you.
You're asking me what exactly?
Why can't I fancy Susan?
I wanna
want her.
To be honest,
I don't think you've got a problem.
But I just told you. I can't
Make myself fancy Susan.
Yeah, you've said that.
Several times.
But how is that a problem?
Susan's not your wife or even your lover.
She's just a friend.
Do you think you should
fancy all your friends?
Do you think
there's something wrong with you
because you're not
physically aroused by someone
with whom you enjoy
a Platonic relationship?
You just don't get it, do you?
I hope you don't mind
but I'm going to move out.
Oh.
I'm moving in with Simon.
And yes, I know what I'm doing.
And no, I can't think
of anyone else to share with.
How sad am I?
Don't be silly.
I'm sure it'll be an experience.
Thanks for letting me stay.
- I enjoyed it.
- So did I.
But it was only supposed
to be temporary.
- I guess so.
- And
Well, no, it doesn't matter.
- What doesn't matter?
- Not important.
- What?
- (Sighs heavily)
(Orgasmic groaning)
(Groaning intensifies)
(Animalistic cries)
(Machine clicks off)
Are you sure that's me?
It's not some wild animal that's dying
in pain or something?
That's you,
believe me.
(Photocopier churning)
I told Jenny.
She took it pretty well.
Oh, and I bleached my tache. Look.
(Gasps)
(Shuffling paper)
Are you OK?
- You're
- (Panting)
..clammy.
I think I, er
rode my bike a bit fast.
- Three hours ago.
- I'm out of condition.
That doesn't explain your behaviour,
which is strange, even for you.
- I'm excited.
- Sorry?
I'm excited by the
progress I'm making with my year 11s.
Very strange.
(Bell)
(Katherine) "I am innocent to a witch.
"I know not what a witch is."
(Curtis) "How do you know then
that you're not a witch?"
Is she a witch or not?
Hands up all those who think she is.
- There's no evidence yet.
- Exactly!
So let's focus on
the atmosphere in Salem
at the start of act three.
There's a witch hunt
in progress.
What's the big question
everyone has to answer?
The big question.
Do you now or have you
ever fancied Susan Gately?
(Panting)
It's a simple question, Mr Casey.
Yes or no, please?
Yes or no?
Yes!
(Jenny's groaning)
(Groaning intensifies)
(Orgasmic roaring)
(Tape clicks off)
Did you?
- Never.
- Me neither.
- Can I keep that?
- No.
Hmmm-aah!
Nothing like it.
What are you doing tonight?
Pub, I guess, unless I can think of
No. Pub.
How about a meal somewhere?
Just the two of us.
You've not rethinking the flat?
No, God, no.
Well, then, what?
I j
I just
I just wanna ask you something.
What are you up to?
- Nothing.
- I can always tell when you're lying.
Please, just come out with me. I'll pay.
For yourself?
Both of us.
Whatever you want from me
you're not going to get it.
But as long as we're clear about that
fine.
(Orgasmic groaning)
Rubbish.
It's
Hmm-aaa-aah!
What's wrong with you?
Did you have the fish cakes?
No.
Well, he did.
(Guttural groaning)
Who's better, me or Brian?
(Gentle moaning) Mmm-aaah!
Mm-mmm aah-aah!
- What's that supposed to be?
- Jenny.
- It sounds nothing like it.
- You try.
No, no, I've got too much to think about.
I really fancy Susan.
Since when?
This morning.
I was standing really close to her
and suddenly I felt
Her arse?
Excited.
She's lovely.
I can't believe I never saw it before.
She'd just be my perfect girlfriend.
- No.
- What?
No, he wasn't talking about you.
It's chatting up practice, isn't it?
- What?
- This evening.
You've learnt some new lines
and you want to try them on me.
- Maybe.
- Good. I can hardly wait.
I think you're gorgeous.
Way too slimy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Don't tell me you've been to see him?
Oh, I just asked
There was this problem.
He said he'd listen.
- I can listen.
- Alec talks a lot of sense.
And I don't?
He's a professional psychologist.
- I teach psychology.
- I teach gym,
doesn't make me a gymnast.
Thanks a lot.
With friends like you who needs
friends like you.
(Banging on door)
(Simon) Susan.
Sorry.
I talked to Alec cos it was something
I couldn't say to you.
Oh, yeah?
What?
I just said, I can't talk to you.
Fine. Keep it to yourself.
I don't want to keep it to myself.
- Sorry, Susan.
- Forget it.
I didn't think you'd want to
hear me banging on about Kayla.
- She doesn't.
- I know she's just a kid.
I shouldn't let her get to me.
I only talked to Alec
cos I thought you'd laugh at me.
- But Alec didn't?
- No, he did.
(Jingly Mediterranean music)
Can I have a bottle of house red?
- Yeah.
- Cheers.
Could you imagine them doing it?
Simon and Susan.
Yeah.
Susan's on top. She's got a tub
of ice cream, chocolate chip.
- She's tipping it
- Stop it.
It's like thinking of
your mum and dad having a shag.
Has she got blonde hair, your mum?
Yeah. Why?
I was trying to picture her
Stop it.
Oh. (Sniffs)
Your moustache looks good.
- Does it?
- Hm.
Thanks.
(Jingly Mediterranean music)
We could've done this at the pub.
With Brian and Kurt listening?
- You've hardly said a thing.
- I'm building up to it.
Creating the right atmosphere.
The right atmosphere.
For what exactly?
I can't believe I've never
I haven't really noticed how
pretty beautiful you are.
That's terrible.
I think you really are really
very
special.
- Pitiful.
- Please, Susan, let me finish.
I know in the past, up to now,
we've always been mates but
I want that to change.
I want us to be something more.
Different.
I really, really fancy you.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- I was kissing you.
Why?
Because it makes sense.
You and me, we're made for each other.
Plus I fancy you.
- That was for real?
- Yeah.
Is that so bad?
- Yes, it fucking well is!
- Why?
We're friends. Friends do not
suddenly get off with each other.
- It happens all the time.
- Not to us.
- Give me a reason why not.
- I don't fancy you.
- Don't you?
- No!
- Why not?
- I just don't.
But I'm good-looking, aren't I?
I suppose so, in a boyish, obvious way.
"Obvious"? What does that mean?
I am not having this conversation.
We've got to sort this out,
right here, tonight.
- You're not attracted
- I do not fancy you!
But you might - one day.
I never thought I'd want
to shag you but I worked on it.
Made a big effort to see you
in a new light and it worked.
This morning,
when I was looking at your lips
Stop it! You're scaring me now.
Why?
Because you're not Simon.
Yes, I am.
Oh, shit.
This isn't going the way I'd expected.
If I'd eased in
or given you more warning
I'm not sure any amount of warning
could've prepared me for this.
Have I really fucked things up?
It could be better.
Oh, I wish this evening hadn't happened.
Well, let's just decide it didn't.
Let's try and forget the whole thing.
We can still live with each other,
can't we?
- Are you trying to be funny?
- (Gulps)
(Bottles chinking)
Oh, hi. That was quick.
I wasn't hungry.
Alec, could you do me a favour?
- If it's about the noise
- No, no.
Erm, it's about me moving out.
Could you tell Jenny
I'd like to stay if that's OK with her?
And if you stop walking around
in the nude all the time.
Oh, and Alec
Brian and Kurt have always come to me
for advice in the past.
I like to think I've helped them fuck up
most of their sad little lives.
If you want them back,
you're more than welcome.
Thanks. But
you can talk to Simon,
naked, if you like.
Tell him to be a bit more normal.
I like him when he's normal.
OK?
- What did he do?
- The usual.
Tried to get off with me.
Told me he fancied me.
All that boring stuff.
And you told him?
To leave me alone.
Have you really never thought
you'd be good together?
I can't believe you
of all people saying that.
Don't just turn him down
because you think
I might laugh in your face.
Actually, on second thoughts,
maybe I would be better off
living with Simon.
Susan doesn't want to share
a flat with me so I'm staying.
- You can't. JP's moving in.
- When?
Tomorrow. For a month or so
till he finds somewhere else.
(Sighs heavily)
(Door buzzer)
(Gentle knocking)
- Did I wake you?
- Yeah.
Can I come in?
No.
- I'm sorry.
- You should be.
Well, I am.
(Sighs)
Forget what I said.
Just come and live with me.
- You're hopeless.
- That's why you love me.
- Go away.
- Secretly you do, don't you?
Yes, I secretly love
every psychotic man I've ever met.
- Including me?
- I'm not going to live with you.
(Sighs) If I promise never
to mention tonight ever again,
ever, ever, ever again,
will you change your mind?
- No.
- We'd have a laugh.
No, we would've had a laugh
if you hadn't gone mental.
There's no way
I could live with you now.
I'd be checking
my bedroom door was locked
and you'd be drilling holes
in the bathroom wall.
I wouldn't.
Well, just the one maybe.
(Sighs)
Are we friends again?
If you stay at least five feet
away from me at all times,
get me a coffee
first thing every morning
and two pints every night, perhaps.
- And no chance of a shag then?
- Good night, Simon.