Teachers (2001) s02e04 Episode Script

Blue-veined piccolo.
- Pork sword.
- Pink trombone.
- Mr Happy Helmet.
- Is that one?
- Definitely.
- Ten seconds.
- There can't be any more.
- Five, four, three, two, one. Out.
- There aren't any more!
- Bone phone,
- spam javelin, ham howitzer
- Fuck.
..mutton musket, the bald friar.
You are fucking impressive.
OK, my choice now. How about
- gay euphemisms?
- My round.
- Not for me, I've got to go.
- Lightweight.
Some of us have to focus on the future.
Clare's roped me in
to help organise Careers Week.
- Night, then.
- Poofter.
- Fag.
- Shirt-lifter.
- Beachcomber.
- Sausage smuggler.
- Fudge packer.
- Marmite miner.
- Erm
- Five, four, three, two, one. Out.
Oh, I had a good one.
- Mm, it's gone.
- Five, four, three, two, one.
Me and the champ. Turd burglar.
- Chocolate chimney sweep.
- Tail gunner.
Five, four, three, two, one. Yes!
Finally, the PE/Geography
teacher chalks up a victory!
But he has the grace and dignity
to shake the hand of the loser.
He's great, isn't he?
(Kurt) I'm sure he'll let you
hold it if you ask nicely.
I just mean he's a laugh.
Don't jump off any cliffs tonight
unless you want the northern retard
following you over.
Who wants a backie?
- After you, mate.
- You're all right.
- Go on. You know you want to.
- No. I'm fine.
I didn't wanna start an argument.
I'll walk with you, eh?
OK, forget the music, who would
you shag - Christina or Britney?
- Britney, definitely.
- Christina for me, body and soul.
You think she'd want either?
You blew Simon out of the water
in that cock round.
- Bit of a specialist subject.
- He was totally gutted.
You took it in the gay round.
Used to work in a factory
during school holidays.
You can't expect me to know
all the slang for being gay.
It's more the preserve
of you non-gay people, eh?
(Wind whistles)
(Snowblind: Fistful Of Dollars)
- (Boys cheer)
- (Horn honks)
(Simon) JP's gay?
(Kurt) Completely.
That explains why everyone's
so at ease with him.
Women. He poses no sexual threat.
You don't have to be gay
to get on with women.
- It helps!
- I always knew he was.
- No, you didn't.
- I did, though.
You knew?
- Ages ago.
- And you didn't tell us?
I thought it was obvious.
You were the one trying
to get into his trousers.
- I was in a vulnerable place.
- Bosnia?
Ha, ha.
Yeah, well, we all bark up the wrong tree
from time to time.
I thought you two were gay at first.
- Who?
- You and Brian.
Why?
Two single blokes living together,
PE and IT teachers.
What's that got to do with it?
A sporty one and a geek -
a classic combination.
- Fuck!
- What?
- It's falling into place.
- What is?
That's why he moved in,
why you wanted me out and JP in.
- Why?
- Because you wanted to check him out.
Taste the alternative lifestyle.
- Fuck off!
- (Kurt) Bollocks!
It's almost worth
living with my dad again
to know you're getting
a chance to express yourselves.
And that JP's there as your role model.
Mornin'.
- (All grunt)
- Everything all right?
I think it's fantastic - that you're gay.
I knew if I told Brian and Kurt
it'd save putting a notice up.
The next few days are our
Focus On The Future days.
Jenny here's in charge.
Have tutors got packs?
If they look in their pigeonholes.
(Clare) This is about giving students
guidance and support
and making the right decisions
for their futures.
So don't snigger
when they tell you what they want to be.
Kurt will have KUDOS
running shortly, yeah?
Familiarise yourself with
the software before using it.
We'll practise interview
techniques tomorrow
and the careers fair is on Thursday.
Let's approach this
with enthusiasm, please!
Any problems, pester Jenny, not me.
Your cooperation will be very welcome
over the next few days.
I can't be gay, I shagged Jenny.
A one-night stand doesn't count.
Carol and I had loads of sex!
Do you mind? I'm still eating!
Oh, by the way,
I've changed my mind about you.
What about me?
People will think we asked JP to stay
because we wanted him to.
We did.
I mean "wanted" him to stay.
- I blame you.
- Why?
- You always brown-nose him.
- Bollocks!
"You blew Simon out of
the water in the cock round."
- Course he fucking did!
- He said he'd shag Britney.
Given a choice between
her and Christina Aguilera.
If you'd thrown Ricky Martin in,
you'd have got a different response.
Every female that comes to work here's
gonna think like Penny.
- Are they?
- It's hard enough getting women.
He was only supposed to stay
on a temporary basis.
- So?
- So sound him out.
- Ask if he's looking for somewhere else.
- I can't. Why do I have to do it?
Penny's changed her mind about me.
I just wanted to say sorry about
telling people that you were - are -
you know
- Gay?
- Gay, yeah.
- Forget about it.
- It'll go no further.
Why?
Cos it could be embarrassing.
- Is it a problem for you?
- Me?
Cos loads of people turn into tossers
when they find out.
- Really?
- Like I'll want to jump on 'em.
They should be so lucky, eh?
I mean, I know you wouldn't.
Not with me. Or anyone.
- Nothing's changed.
- Right.
Except that now you know I'm gay.
And we're glad we know you
I mean, I'm glad you're
who you are and happy.
- And all that.
- I knew you'd be OK with it.
Of course I am, mate. No problem.
See you at home.
(Children yelling)
"Course I am, mate. No problem.
- "I love you, JP."
- Fuck off.
Curtis, who am I?
I have no problem
with dealing with numbers,
figures, charts, organisational skills.
I like maths, statistics, numeracy.
The job families I'm interested in
are working with figures,
solving mathematical problems.
(Sighs) My career choice -
anything to do with managing money.
Jesus.
My dad's a bank manager.
And you wanna be like your dad?
- Why not?
- Because he's your dad!
Work in insurance civil service
local council?
What is wrong with you lot?
They're all good jobs.
Yeah, but does no one wanna write
a novel, make a film, travel?
- You can do whatever you want!
- I really want to work in accounts.
(Typing)
- When's it my turn?
- Wait!
Jobs best suited for you
according to KUDOS -
are tree surgery or forestry.
I knew it, I should have
followed my boyhood dreams.
Fuck it.
Put in your name. It's B-R-I-A
Follow the questionnaire.
"Do you watch
factual programmes on TV?"
Have they not got porn down there?
Does it work?
Liz came out as an officer
in a correctional facility.
- Has he said anything to you?
- What about?
You blabbing his personal life
round the school.
- He seems pretty cool about it.
- And you?
- What about me?
- Are you "cool" with it?
Me? Of course!
It's Brian who's taken it like an insult.
Keeps on about getting JP out of the flat.
- Why?
- That's what I said. "Why?"
You know Brian, he's worried
it might reflect on him in some way.
- And you're not?
- I don't chase after JP, do I?
Aw!
It's quite funny though, isn't it?
I suppose it is.
Let's see, come on.
What's it say?
Hairdresser or flight attendant.
It's very perceptive.
- Let's have a look.
- Oh, gone. Sorry.
Here it is in black and white.
You can't fight it, Brian.
How come Kurt's off the hook?
Going out with Carol should've made
him more suspect.
He looks far more gay than me.
Maybe you don't question yourself
because you come over so straight.
- Not because I am straight?
- Only you know that.
- The computer never lies.
- One more word and I'll belt you.
No need to get
all aggressive and macho.
It proves nothing.
Be honest, have you ever
looked at me and thought,
"There goes a gay man"?
I never make assumptions
about people's sexuality.
I'm obsessed with Penny's tits!
Which are big, false, plastic ones.
How much gayer can you get?
Do you think people will think
I invited JP into the flat
for some other reason
than that he wanted a place to stay?
- Did you?
- No.
Are you sure?
It was before I knew he was gay,
for fuck's sake.
Maybe it was because subconsciously
you already knew that he was.
I know you've got your heart
set on beauty therapy, Gail,
but you'll never be
stuck for work as a plasterer.
How does aircraft maintenance
engineering sound, Graham?
Well, you've fallen a little short of that.
Top of the list - shop fitter.
I knew one of you
had to have a spark of creativity.
Best option -
performance-orientated work.
Actor, dancer, musician.
Curtis. You see, deep down
I knew there was a creative artist
screaming to be let out.
I did fancy the Young People's Theatre.
Fantastic! Why not try it this year?
What have you got to lose?
They don't need more admin staff.
(Bell)
JP! You're the man to help us.
Where are the local
pick-up joints for men?
You mean for gay men?
- We're just interested.
- More mildly curious.
For research purposes.
Mildly curious research?
We've got a friend
and he's having a tough time
coming to terms with
certain things about himself.
- He might be bent?
- Exactly.
So the least we can do
is find out about the local gay scene.
Pick up some leaflets for him.
It's not an easy time.
He needs our support.
Yeah. As a matter of interest,
can you automatically tell
who's gay and who isn't?
Well, no, but if I look very deep
into someone's eyes
Really?
Susan!
- It isn't you, is it?
- No, it fucking isn't!
I'm 100% heterosexual, thank you.
No one's 100% heterosexual.
- I'm not a poof.
- You're not gay.
- I know.
- The word is gay, not poof.
All right, I'm not fucking gay.
- Why are you so scared?
- I'm not.
- Are you scared of JP?
- No.
- You like him?
- He's all right, yeah.
Of course, it could be that
it's only JP you're attracted to,
not the whole gay thing.
No one to admire, along comes
someone new and dynamic
- I do not fancy JP.
- People get crushes, Brian,
there's no law restricting them
to the opposite sex.
You must have had crushes
on blokes before, or idols?
No.
No admiration thing that tipped over
into something deeper?
Hm, maybe Bryan Robson at his peak.
There you go, then.
I didn't want to sleep with him!
Some things go deeper than sex, Brian.
How is he?
He's confused. Worried. Concerned.
Just where we want him.
You don't think we should lay off a bit?
(Both) Nah!
How you doing?
All right.
I've got to, er
What about your dinner?
(Sighs)
Well, if he's not hungry.
- We're eating.
- Great! I'm starving.
Let me get this straight,
people tell you you might be gay
and you just accept it.
Well
If I told you you were a mechanic,
would you fix my car?
I'd probably have a go, yeah.
Have you had confused feelings before?
- I like women.
- There you go. Case solved.
Gay men like women too.
I know you said one-night stands
don't count but
I mean, me and Jenny shagged
and there was no problem.
I mean, it was pretty good.
He didn't ask you to indulge
in any fantasy situations?
Paste-on moustache,
touch your toes and think of England?
We shagged and a gay man
wouldn't have done that.
You slept with him?
- Morning.
- Mornin'.
Did you get it sorted?
What?
You went round to see Susan, yeah?
How do you know?
Oh, lucky guess.
Come to any conclusions?
I'll be in the car.
(Radio static)
(Gloria Gaynor: I Am What I Am)
Yes!
I am what I am
I don't want praise
I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise,
I think it's pretty
And so what if I love
each bauble and each bangle
Why not try to see things
from a different angle?
Your life is a sham
Till you can shout out,
"I am what I am!" ♪
How's he doing?
Still on the endangered species list.
- Uncertain man.
- Found on Could-Be-A-Poof Mountain.
Thanks for last night.
Alec really needed to know about us.
It just came out. Sorry.
Next time you're worried
about something, keep it to yourself.
There's something quite boyish
about Jenny, isn't there?
Hang on, you slept with her too.
Just out of interest,
which of these does it for you?
How about this one -
he's more your type.
He's not unlike JP, actually.
Where?
Have you not got anything better to do?
- Let me think. No.
- No, no.
- If none of these appeal, we
- Will you fuck off?
We're only trying to help.
Coming to terms with a whole new
sexual identity can't be easy.
(Liz) Any problems?
- No.
- As school secretary,
I like to stay ahead of the game,
spot any crises.
Don't worry, we're on top of it.
The boss wants you to stay away
from the guest buffet tomorrow.
It's limited to senior staff,
organisers and guests.
What about hard-working
members of staff?
Bring sandwiches.
You keep this to have a look at.
Or put on your, er, locker door.
Show us your favourites later.
The JP lookalike's on page 22.
Blokes in thongs don't really do it for me.
Or me.
- Sir, do we have your lesson next?
- Oui.
- When's our assignment due?
- Vendredi.
- (Girl) Any chance of an extension?
- Non!
I'll be five minutes.
It's just that
recently I've been having
doubts about some stuff.
Can you be more specific?
Do you think it's possible
I mean, could somebody
spend most of their lives being
what they are
and suddenly one day think
maybe I'm not this thing at all?
Has this got something to do
with Simon and Kurt?
- What about them?
- Their friend in crisis.
Are you trying to say
you might be gay?
I
I'm not sure how I can help.
- You just have.
- When?
- He can't throw.
- Who can't?
- JP.
- So?
I can't fancy someone
who can't throw.
So you fuckers find someone else
to rip the piss out of.
You accepted a multitude
of flaws in your girlfriends.
Some of them had
few redeeming features at all.
Maybe you're more picky with men.
- Of course.
- What?
Did you fancy every woman you saw?
- Most of them.
- But not all.
- No.
- Why should you fancy every bloke?
JP's just not your type.
You require someone
with a strong throwing arm.
That someone
might come along tomorrow.
(Simon) Or the day after that
or the day after that.
(Feeder: Standing On The Edge)
No.
There's a message on my bed ♪
No.
A new engraving
in my overloading head ♪
No.
Feel the walls are caving in ♪
No.
As the wire cuts into my butter skin ♪
Definitely not.
Not one bloke out of hundreds.
Could take longer than one morning.
As soon as you've finished
your teas and coffees
if we could make our way into the hall?
Tutors, make sure you turn up
at your allotted times.
Thank you.
You know you're one of only two people
who have the slightest interest in this?
While the other person's Clare,
I have to stand here like an idiot
trying to inject some
enthusiasm and sincerity.
As long as you know.
If I forget,
I've always got you to remind me.
- You've been summoned.
- Sorry?
Boss wants to see you after school.
So everyone here is completely
happy with where they're going?
Nothing I say
is gonna change your minds?
Then today's Careers Fair
is a complete waste of time?
Can we use the session
to do homework?
(Drops board rubber)
I let you skive off
and the best thing you can think of
to do is your homework?
Fantastic.
Not one of you has a clue
what they want to do?
(Sighs)
So apart from running
a lucrative protection racket,
- you two have no other career ideas?
- No.
No skills you've learnt
during your years at school
which could help you find a career?
Can you think of any?
If our paths should
ever cross in later life,
just remember
I was a really top bloke
and liked you very, very much.
(Feeder: Standing On The Edge)
And I've been waiting for you
For you to show me through
A gate that opens wide
Where the sun never dies ♪
- Come in.
- We just came to get some netballs.
..sun never dies
And this is my home
And this is my home
where the sun is shining ♪
- Why does she wanna see me?
- Zzz!
You can't give me one tiny clue?
It's nothing to do with
your masterly skills as a teacher.
Why can't anyone be straight here?
Oh, giving yourself your own clues now?
(Buzzer)
(Liz) Good luck.
I'm all for people
referring to their sexuality
to develop a more open,
honest relationship with colleagues
but not using school property
as a personal notice board.
Sorry?
Celebrate your sexuality, by all means
but don't alienate people
by ramming it down their throats.
So to speak.
(Buzzer)
For what it's worth,
we both admire what you're doing.
It can't be easy.
All power to you.
Are they in the staff room -
Simon and Kurt?
- Didn't see them. Why?
- Cos I'm gonna kill them.
- Brian wants you and he's pissed off.
- How pissed off?
- Says he's gonna kill you.
- That pissed off.
- Did we push him too far?
- Nah, he was loving it.
I think I'll head straight off.
Don't need anything
from the staff room?
Just a jacket. I can leave it till tomorrow.
No reason for me to go in there either.
- Cowards.
- You think we're scared of Brian?
The marking in my locker
can wait as well.
Can anyone explain why no one
turned up for the Careers Fair?
Not right now, no.
(Growling)
- Was Clare pissed off?
- No.
She took it as an indication
that we'd worked so hard with the kids
that most already had a clear idea
of what they wanted to do.
- You're joking?
- Yes.
She wants me to see everybody
after school tomorrow
to assess the whole
Focus On The Future fiasco.
So shall we say 3:45
for tomorrow's debrief?
I'd love to but I've got a dental thing.
Brian's planning a major breakdown
and I promised I'd be there.
- JP?
- No.
Why not?
It's extra-curricular
so I don't need an excuse.
Fine.
Erm, am I hearing things
or did you say "fine"?
It's extra-curricular,
I can't make him do it.
- I'm not doing it cos I don't want to.
- Nor me.
- OK.
- What, that's it?
I can only ask.
If you say "no" you say "no".
I don't give a toss. Don't let the hours
of extra work for me affect you.
Great.
Here they all are.
Planning more jokes to play on me?
- Sorry?
- The magazines were annoying.
Pictures in the locker
were going a bit far
but who the hell talked to Clare?
Does Clare know?
It's just a big laugh to you.
I'm a big laugh.
A big, useless lump to take
the piss out of whenever you want.
- "It's only Brian."
- We didn't mean to upset you.
- Well, I am upset. Fucking upset.
- Bri!
I'm trying to sort things out
and you just take the piss!
- Why don't you sit down
- I don't wanna sit down.
From now on
you can all just fuck off.
(Susan) Hands up
who feels like a total shit.
I haven't done anything
but I don't want to feel left out.
I think you ought to go and talk to him.
Er, he'll be all right in the morning.
It's best to leave him when he's like this.
- (Knocks)
- Brian?
He's not here.
He really is pissed off.
Think we ought to look for him?
He left Marjorie. If it was serious,
he'd have taken his chicken.
(The Hives: Main Offender)
I'm on my way
Can't settle down
Stuck in ways of being an ass
I got a lotta nerve that I'm ready to pass
I'm on my way
Can't settle down
I'm stuck in ways of sadistic joy ♪
- (Simon) What's the tactic?
- We don't want to upset him again.
- So?
- We grovel?
We make it clear how bad we feel
about what's happened
and if there's any way
to make it up -
however humiliating - we will.
Grovel it is.
- Where the hell were you?
- What about crawling?
Fuck me, what have you done?
You weren't that desperate?
- I was shaving.
- With a hedge trimmer?
Scalpel from the biology lab.
- Anything could have happened!
- Like what?
You were emotional,
you were capable of anything.
Were you worried something had
happened or how you'd feel if it had?
You couldn't pick up a fucking phone?
What Kurt's trying to say
in his own caring way is are you OK?
What do you care?
You're still pissed off, fair enough.
It was a wind-up, that's all!
Really sensitively handled. Well done.
- Cup of coffee?
- I can do it.
No, let me.
- How's it going?
- Pretty good. You?
Great.
- What's happened to you?
- Blunt scalpel.
That'll do it.
Can I top you up?
- What's he doing?
- I don't know but it's frightening.
Thank you for all your efforts
over the last few days.
Those of you who have
put any effort in.
What's the schedule for today?
I had hoped to have a debrief session
but most of the tutors are unavailable.
They can't find five minutes
to benefit their students?
- Apparently not.
- Really?
I'd like to hear the reasons why.
- I can change my plans.
- Me too - not a problem.
I've already said I can't do it.
You can't cancel what you're doing?
Sorry.
Can you manage with who you have?
- I think so.
- Good.
You haven't heard the last
of Focus On The Future.
Carol will be handing out
questionnaires to all tutors
and I'll require reasons why
it wasn't all it should have been.
That goes for everyone.
(All exhale)
- Thanks for becoming available.
- Don't mention it.
(Women laughing)
Hang on a sec, mate!
(Brian) ..and we had a laugh
- How long will he keep this up?
- As long as it takes for him to work out
that we really do know
we went too far this time.
(Bell)
What's this, a delegation?
- (Kurt) It's Brian.
- What have you done to him now?
- He's really fucked off.
- Can you blame him?
- Will you have a word?
- Why can't you have a word?
He doesn't want anything to do with us.
This gay stuff's got him all confused.
It'd be better from a expert.
If you're prepared for the consequences.
What consequences?
If he's still confused,
there's one of two ways it can go.
It might not end
the way you want it to.
Four times in two weeks.
You're just not on there.
How many times do I have to tell you?
How many times?
- There's your target.
- Just get in there and sort him out.
- (Brian) Don't backchat me!
- Brian.
(Brian) If I catch you with this again,
I will confiscate it.
I've been thinking.
This gay thing with Brian
may not be so bad for you after all.
He may learn to cook or something.
Become a little more house-proud,
more sensitive, caring
Mmm!
I'm scared.
(JP) I've been thinking
about what you said earlier.
What?
Whether someone can live as one thing
and then find they're something else.
- It's all right now.
- It is?
- Yeah.
- No confusion?
You've been talking to those wankers,
haven't you?
- They're really upset.
- Good.
They're worried
you might still be mixed-up
and that you quite liked some things
about being different.
- There were a few.
- Like what?
Do you find, as a gay man,
you can talk to women a lot easier?
I suppose so.
Same here - it's a fucking revelation!
If I worry about my sexuality,
I have no trouble chatting to them!
- But you're not a gay man.
- Can you tell?
- I'll come to the point. Do you like men?
- Some.
- In a sexual way?
- Sorry?
- Do erect penises turn you on?
- You lot don't hang about!
Would you like one stuck up your arse
or to stick yours up someone's arse?
- Steady on!
- (Bell)
Graham.
Ignore what anyone, especially me,
tells you about your career choice.
I might be pushing you in
a direction you don't wanna go in.
I'm sure there are many, many
semi-retarded aeronautic
engineers out there.
(Sighs)
I'm sure I already know the answer
to this but
how do you feel
the careers days went?
Anyone got anything to say at all?
- Curtis.
- I've been thinking about it.
- And?
- I told my dad I need to take a year out.
What did he say?
Nothing.
Well, that's good.
Then I mentioned the theatre thing.
- And?
- He's coming in to see you.
I never said you shouldn't
go into banking, did I?
Not in so many words,
but I knew what you meant.
I was making sure that the choice
you were making was the right one.
- In your case I think it is.
- Is it?
There's no need for your dad
to come here.
Tell him that your teacher
was just highlighting alternatives
so you'd be absolutely certain
that banking really was
the job for you, which it is.
Probably.
(Bell)
- Well, how'd it go?
- What did he say?
I've never seen Brian like that before.
- Like what?
- It's hard to explain.
- Is he still angry?
- Not really angry, more
resigned.
- Resigned to what?
- He wants to speak to you.
- Me?
- Why not me?
It's best to let her go on her own.
Brian still has
unresolved issues with you.
He's right.
You go on your own.
Yeah.
(Inaudible)
(Simon) What's he saying?
(Kurt) He said "bastard" again.
Maybe I should've talked to him.
Yeah
but he won't hit Susan.
(Mouths)
You all right?
Never better.
Not angry?
No.
Furious?
No.
What's that?
It's all about Section 28.
Did you know no law prevents a teacher
referring to his or her sexual orientation
if it's in the context of fostering
a relationship of honesty
between teacher and pupil?
Really?
But your sexual orientation's
obvious, isn't it?
Is it?
I need to talk to you.
Privately.
There's something you need to know.
Oh, shit.
Maybe we could go for a drink later?
We always go for a drink.
I mean, go for a drink.
It is important.
- He asked me out!
- I think it's quite sweet.
You are fucking joking?
It's only a drink.
You can say no at any time.
It's a first date, after all.
- This is not funny!
- I know.
What the fuck am I gonna do?
Go along with it
until it plays itself out.
What if it doesn't?
Ask JP what it was like
being gay in a straight flat.
It was fine.
Then being straight
in a gay flat should be fine.
Just get used to
listening to Barbra Streisand
and watching old Bette Davis movies.
- No JP?
- I asked him to explain to Brian
how to keep an alternative
lifestyle alternative.
They're probably down
the Pink Flamingo drinking daiquiris.
OK, I'm ready to hear your feeble
excuses for the Careers Fair.
Brian! Want a drink, mate?
Er, Bacardi and coke. Cheers.
- Bacardi and coke?
- With a twist of lemon.
Any chance of that word now?
Can't it wait?
No.
Shit.
(Penny) What's happening?
Brian's about to declare
his undying love.
Oh, sweet.
I really respect you.
And you mean a lot to me.
My feelings for you have grown
into something more than friendship.
It's only recently I've realised
how much you mean to me.
That's, er
But I've also realised it's not enough.
(Kurt) Isn't it?
You were right about me and JP.
I do have feelings for him.
Deep feelings.
Shit.
In fact, we want to live together.
- You already do.
- (Sighs)
I know how hard it would be for you,
seeing us every day
and I think it best for all of us
especially you, if you moved out.
You want me out of the flat?
Two's company and three's a crowd.
Especially if the third's not one of us.
- (Chokes)
- (Kurt) But you're not gay!
That's what I thought, too.
But everything you and Simon have said
suddenly made sense.
Everything you pointed out to me
proved to me I was wrong.
It was a wind-up, for fuck's sake!
Tell him it was!
I was making it up! I didn't mean it!
- All the evidence is there.
- No, it was a piss-take!
You want irrefutable evidence?
Show him.
- What's this?
- This is where the whole thing started.
I made it up about
hairdresser and flight attendant.
Your real result is fireman.
Police officer. Builder!
Fireman?
I'm sorry.
How sorry?
Really really sorry.
About fucking time!
- Take this back and get us a pint.
- (Laughter)
You are a conniving, piss-taking twat!
And you are a lying,
back-stabbing little shit.
That's cleared that up, then.
I have learnt one important
lesson from all this.
Humility?
Compassion? Understanding?
It's easier to get on with women
when you're a queen.
Next time I go on the pull
I'm going gay, no question.
(All jeer)
Fireman, policeman,
construction worker.
Isn't that three-fifths
of the Village People?
(All jeer loudly)