Teachers (2001) s02e05 Episode Script

(Simon) So you're killing Carol,
shagging Penny
- and marrying Clare.
- Why the fuck would you marry Clare?
- Cos she earns more than me.
- Your turn. Oi!
Do you wanna play this or not?
- Sorry, is it my round?
- (Simon) Of the game.
How about Bob, JP and me?
- We have to do what, exactly?
- You don't have to do anything.
Jenny chooses who she'd shag,
who she'd kill, who she'd marry.
- Ah, I'm with you.
- (Simon) Too easy, this one.
- Bob, obviously, I'd kill.
- Obviously.
- And you can't shag JP, so
- (Jenny) Why not?
Cos he wouldn't like it
very much, would he?
He couldn't do it, not with a woman.
I'm sure he'd make an exception
in your case.
- (Giggling)
- Oi. Are you shagging me or JP?
Neither.
I'm going home to shag Alec.
Want to come with us in the car?
I might have one more.
I can give you a backie on my bike.
Well, maybe two or three.
- OK. See you later.
- Bye.
See ya.
Tell me I was never like that with Peter.
You were never like that with Peter.
- (Brian) Like what?
- Well
All over each other being, you know
- nauseating.
- Who's nauseating?
Alec is and Jenny's on her way.
It's one of the rules
of being in a relationship.
- What is?
- Turning into a tosser.
Unless you're a tosser to start off with.
It was great when
it was just me and Jenny.
So is it Alec you don't like,
or having to share the flat?
It's what he's doing to Jenny.
(Kurt) Shagging her.
Turning her into a twat.
She's not a twat.
Never has been, never will.
Wasn't when I shagged her.
You don't think that was
the twattiest thing she's ever done?
No.
Do what I want cos I can and if I don't
Because I wanna
Be ignored by the stiff and the bored
Because I'm gonna
Spit and retrieve cos I give and receive
Because I wanna
Gonna get through your head
what the mystery man said
Because I'm gonna
Hate to say I told you so
All right
Come on ♪
(Susan chuckles)
Anything on telly?
Mind if I watch something?
(Suspenseful music)
(Sirens wailing on TV)
(Gunfire)
Well, don't know about you
but I'm knackered.
Good night.
(Suspenseful music and sirens on TV)
You know what's wrong with Susan.
Thrush?
Antisocial.
She's fundamentally unsuited
to sharing a flat with anyone.
I'm not. I like it.
- So do I, mate.
- (Door closing)
Hey.
All right, mate?
Did you have a nice time?
Not bad. This is Vince.
- Brian, Kurt.
- All right?
- Do you fancy a drink?
- Sure.
I'll get you one.
Sorry, what would you like?
There's lager or
- what else?
- Just lager.
Just lager. Would you like some?
Yeah, thanks.
Oh, God, you probably
want to go to bed.
- No.
- I'll piss off and let you get on with it.
- Sorry, it's a bit warm.
- They're going to bed.
What?
We're not.
(Sighs) I think I'd better be going, eh?
- What have you done?
- Me?
You must've said something.
I didn't.
(Rattles doorknob)
- Morning!
- Hi.
- You OK?
- Fine.
Alec thought you might have felt
a bit excluded last night
- when we went off.
- No.
He thought he might have
upset you again.
- What do you mean, again?
- He's worried about you.
Well, he shouldn't be,
I'm none of his business.
- Don't get defensive.
- Who's defensive?
I'm just saying I'm happy. I'm fine.
- Don't I look very happy?
- (Flushing)
You go next.
I'm not going into work today.
Oh. Are you ill?
That's what I'm telling Clare.
Food poisoning, if she asks.
What's really wrong?
Alec's got the day off.
- He thought we could
- Spare me the details. Please.
(Giggles)
(Sighs)
I don't wanna look
at magazines for happiness
Feel a sudden itch
To make the stuff of dreams
Run away, pack it in
Run away, pack it in
Run away, pack it in
Run away, pack it in
Run and hide out from the sun
We can assume it's the start today
So see how good it runs
Please don't tell us that you look ♪
Whoa!
Shit!
They've been talking about me.
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, thanks,
nothing broken.
Jenny and Alec talk about me,
about how I'm feeling. All the time.
Yeah, and you talk about them
all the time.
- I don't analyse them, I just
- Slag 'em off.
So did you go out at all?
(Whispers) Just pizza.
- A film?
- Pizza.
Who with?
Friend of mine. Well, it's
Not so much a friend.
Someone out of hospital.
Sounds great.
We should go there one night.
- Er
- Sorry?
I'd like that.
OK. Maybe next week.
Thanks for these.
(Tuts)
(Susan) You'd think I was invisible,
the way they groped each other.
(Kurt) You should've joined in.
(Brian) You know where
you're going wrong?
(Susan) Do tell me (!)
(Brian) Your attitude.
- You need your own space too much.
- Hang on, let me write this down.
You're always dishing it out
but you can't take it.
- Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.
- Go on, then.
- OK.
Look at me and Kurt.
We're much more relaxed than you.
- That's why we're happier.
- Our flat is an open house.
Er, open flat.
Last night, for instance -
JP turns up with some bloke,
- do we bat an eyelid?
- No.
Did they grope each other on the sofa?
They might have done,
if Kurt hadn't upset the boyfriend.
- I didn't upset anyone.
- Then why did he run away?
I told you, he just decided to go.
Must've been a reason.
He was tired.
- Could've kipped on the floor.
- He didn't want to.
Why not? That's my question.
Another thing, she's bunking off.
Jenny's pretending she's ill
so she can stay in bed with Alec.
- Nice.
- "Nice"?
Is that all you've got to say?
Yeah.
This isn't how Jenny behaves,
not the old Jenny.
- I never liked the old Jenny.
- You fancied her.
Yeah, but if the new Jenny's
got the old Jenny's arse
then I think I prefer the new Jenny.
- (Clapping)
- Morning, everyone!
Just one announcement today -
Miss Paige is off sick.
A cover plan has been drawn up
for the relevant staff to take on board.
We're under strength
so it's all hands on deck. Any questions?
- Looks good to me.
- Excellent! Thank you.
- Shit.
- Still prefer the new Jenny?
(Clare) Susan!
Jenny's food poisoning - is it very bad?
She didn't get much sleep.
I I could hear her all night.
Both ends, I think.
Poor Jenny.
Seen how many classes I'm doing
just so Alec can fuck her brains out?
- So crap at lying to Clare.
- Yeah, I'm really good.
- Should say something to Jenny.
- What about?
About how I feel about Alec.
I should tell her, I suppose.
Course you should.
When me and Kurt
have a problem, we talk about it.
- No, we don't.
- Yeah.
- Like that business with your duvet?
- What business?
When it started to stink,
I got you to sort it out.
- No.
- You took it down the cleaners.
- No, I didn't.
- (Bell)
Selfish bitch.
- What if this becomes a habit?
- It better not.
- I hate lying.
- I hate doing this much cover.
What if he moves in, pushes me out,
takes over the flat?
- He won't.
- Are you sure?
No.
Shit.
- Carol.
- (Clunk)
I've just checked my timetable
and my cover for Jenny is a bit tricky.
Can you ask Clare to find someone else?
You can ask her yourself.
She's in there, just waiting
for someone to spoil her day.
I haven't got time right now.
- Well, later then.
- I wish I could but
Thanks, Carol.
She's walking all over you.
- Don't mind.
- Well, you should mind.
- I wish you wouldn't do that.
- Sorry.
Message from Miss Neville.
Mmm. Says, erm,
she can't cover Miss Paige's class.
- Can you find somebody else?
- Course I can't. You tell Penny
(Shouts) She agreed to take the class
at the start of the day
and that's what she's going to do!
(Quietly) That's what she said.
Well, thanks very much.
Hangovers a few times.
Once when I couldn't be arsed.
- But never to stay at home and shag.
- I wish.
(Penny) Simon, could I ask a big favour?
I'm supposed to take
Jenny's sixth form group this afternoon.
- Any chance you could do it?
- I've got three of her lessons
plus gate monitoring.
- So that's a no.
- Sorry.
Don't worry about
the sixth form, piece of piss.
- But I don't know any of them.
- You must know Tanya.
First thing she says, disagree.
She'll kick off an argument,
the others'll join in.
(Doves: There Goes The Fear)
She was just sucking up
to get some photocopies.
- You're probably right.
- Of course I'm right.
And you warned her.
I am actually here.
We know you're here.
Don't talk about me, I'm in the room.
She doesn't want us talking
like she's not in the room.
Right.
You warned her about Penny
cos you didn't want her getting hurt?
Of course.
- What's wrong with Miss Paige?
- She's not here.
- Is she away all week?
- Do I look like a doctor?
Yes.
So have you read this book?
Well, it's shit, innit?
I wouldn't call it shit.
So you have read it?
A while ago.
You know Lockwood's dream?
Which one?
When the ghost comes back
to Wuthering Heights.
Yes.
What's that all about, then?
Can you open your books and read?
Miss Paige said Heathcliff's
a bit like Richard Ill.
- I can see that.
- Why?
Did Heathcliff have a hump as well?
(Tittering)
Just read the book.
(Simon) At least you'll
get a good night's sleep.
- Will I?
- They'll be shagged out by now.
They're never shagged out.
I think they're into Tantric sex.
- (Brian) When you piss on each other?
- No, you shag for hours without coming.
- What's the point of that?
- Sex becomes a sacrament of love.
- Oh?
- (Simon) Sting does it.
- I'm off. Want a backie?
- Please don't make me go home.
Why not?
Can't deal with the happy couple?
You haven't got a life
and nobody loves you?
Yes, it makes me feel exactly like you.
If you're that bothered, talk to Jenny.
Good idea. "Hello, Jenny,
could you chuck your boyfriend
"so I can get some sleep?"
That would go down well.
- Talk to Alec, then.
- "Evening, Alec,
"I think you're a tosser.
Piss off out of this flat."
Could be a bit more subtle.
You're about to tell me how to be subtle?
What's next? Is Kurt going
to give me tips on how to get laid?
- I was only trying to help.
- Well, you didn't.
- You can stay at ours.
- Can I?
- Can I?
- No chance.
Full up, mate.
Enter.
(Kurt) ..I wish.
- Hi.
- (Brian) Evenin'.
Hello.
Vince!
You came back.
Hiya, Vince. (Laughs)
This is Vince, JP's boyfriend!
- He's not my
- Vince, this is Susan.
- Susan's another teacher.
- Is she?
I hope you don't mind
if Vince stays the night.
Fantastic.
They're gonna have sex.
- (Gasps) Do you think so?
- Fucking nightmare.
I thought you loved
having people to stay.
Not when they shag outside my room.
- I'll go in your room.
- Will you?
Mm. I'm used to noisy neighbours.
Hang on, where are you gonna sleep?
Do you want the light off?
I'm OK.
Can you hear anything?
No.
Maybe they've gone to sleep.
Yeah, right.
Why don't you go and have a look?
You always used to
with Simon and Maggie.
She was a woman.
I'm not gonna go
and watch two blokes, am I?
- Aren't you?
- Do you think I'm some kind of pervert?
(Springs creaking faintly)
(Groaning)
(Moaning and creaking)
(Creaking and moaning continue)
(Heavy breathing)
(JP laughs)
- Brian.
- What the fuck?
- What did I do?
- Can I sleep here as well?
Here?
(Kurt) In this bed?
Hey-hey. My first threesome.
Mine too. I was hoping for two women.
What's wrong with my room? Too noisy?
You don't wanna know.
No, we don't.
Did you notice what they were doing?
Funnily enough, I didn't stop to watch.
Is this what it's like at your place,
having to listen to sex all night?
It's not just the nights,
it's every evening, every morning.
All day at the weekends.
- I feel a bit trapped.
- Get used to it.
If Vince is anything like Alec,
this is just the start.
Forget sleep, forget getting
into the bathroom when you want
and wave goodbye to your fruit and veg.
- You what?
- Sex toys.
If it's not overripe it's up for grabs.
If it's so bad at Jenny's,
why don't you move out?
It's not easy to find
the right person to share with.
There's other people apart from Simon.
It was working really well with Jenny
until Alec came along.
Do you think that
now Vince has come along
it'll stop working for us and JP?
I wouldn't be surprised.
(Distant siren)
- Where are you going?
- I need a piss.
You can't leave me alone here with him.
I'll be two minutes.
Hmm.
- Two minutes, eh?
- Don't even think about it.
Ahh.
Morning.
- Is Vince in the bathroom?
- No, he's gone.
Morning. Sleep well?
- Not bad. You?
- Hmm, not so good.
Coffee?
So, er, do you think you and Vince
Do you think?
Is he coming back tonight?
- Be very surprised.
- (Kurt) Did you have a row?
- No.
- So you'll be seeing him again.
- Nah.
- (Kurt) Why not?
- He's not really my type.
- But you shagged him.
Or he shagged you. We didn't see.
Sorry about the sleeping arrangements,
I didn't realise Susan was gonna be here.
We didn't know
Vince was gonna be here.
Maybe we should have a rule,
before we bring someone back
we should get the others' permission.
Fine by me. Banana?
- I won't, actually.
- Nah.
Look over there
Where?
There, here comes Jeanie
with her new boyfriend
(With radio) Is she really
going out with him?
Is she really gonna
take him home tonight?
Is she really going out with him?
Cos if my eyes don't deceive me
There's something going wrong
around here ♪
(Horn toots)
Around here ♪
- (Horn toots)
- (Kurt) Heeeey!
But if looks could kill
There's a man there
who's marked down as dead
Cos I've had my fill
Listen, you
Take your hands off her head
I get so mean around this scene ♪
- All right?
- Much better.
Mmm, I bet you are.
- Meaning?
- Oh, nothing.
I had food poisoning.
Didn't Susan tell you?
Yeah. No. Sorry.
She didn't come home last night.
- She stayed with us.
- In the same bed.
- Really?
- We didn't shag her.
No.
It was just cos the flat was a bit full.
It won't happen again
cos we've got a new rule.
If we want to bring someone back
we have to ask the other two first.
Maybe you should have a rule.
What for? It's my flat.
I don't need anyone's permission.
And I can't imagine you'll need
to ask permission very often.
- (Kurt) What do you mean?
- (Echoing laugh)
(Clare) Jenny!
You're back.
Sorry about yesterday. I think
it was some undercooked chicken.
With some people food poisoning
usually means hangover.
Not in your case, though.
Take it gently today.
You still look a bit peaky.
What?
Look, every department
has to do one assembly.
- But poetry?
- Have you got a better idea?
When do we organise it?
We're already overstretched.
If someone decides
to take the day off we're stuffed.
- How are you, by the way?
- Fine. Thank you.
You can walk
without too much discomfort?
- Wasn't it food poisoning?
- It was.
- And thank you for covering me.
- Pleasure.
Maybe you can leave some work
to hand out next time.
- I think I'd better.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.
- If you've something to say
- I wasn't talking about you.
- You were talking about me?
- What did I do wrong?
- Nothing, really. It's just
Some of the sixth form
are worried about Wuthering Heights.
They could've done with
a discussion about the text
rather than being told to read it again.
- They said that?
- I'm only
- This is so unfair.
- Not your fault she was in bed.
I had no time to prepare.
I was up to my neck
and I'm expected to look after kids
I don't even know.
- What was I supposed to do?
- I'm sure you did your best.
- And Simon wouldn't help me.
- What?
What?
- I asked him to help me
- To take the class!
He told me to fuck off
and I tried to keep everyone happy.
- What are you playing at?
- I was covering other lessons!
You don't just let an NQ
fend for herself!
It's all right, it's OK, don't worry.
That's it. I'll talk to you later.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
If only you had tits like Penny,
you'd never get bollocked again.
I'm sorry you had so much cover.
I was really ill.
No, you weren't,
you were shagging Alec.
- Susan told you.
- Doesn't matter who told me,
I had to work my arse off while you
were in bed with your boyfriend.
Now I get bollocked by Bob but why
should you care, you had loads of sex!
- Still not getting any?
- That's not the point.
What is the point?
For once you had to make an effort?
- I'm not allowed to bunk off?
- No.
I preferred sex to English with Tanya.
Is that so strange?
In your case, yes.
- I'm sorry.
- What for?
Lying about what I said
or getting me bollocked by Bob?
- Both.
- Oh, that's OK, then.
- We can't leave it like this.
- Why not?
I can't bear it when someone hates me.
You should've thought of that before.
Please, Simon, I said I was sorry.
- (Sniffs)
- You're not crying, are you?
Oh, shit.
- I'm sorry.
- You too?
What?
- She's faking it.
- No, she was really crying,
- there was snot and everything.
- She's good.
I was pretty pissed off with her.
(Sighs) She's faking it.
- How can you tell?
- I can tell.
Couple of tears, men like you -
putty in her hands.
Those for me?
Guess how many people
have asked me that?
If I guess can I keep them?
Only if you're Miss Paige. Is she here?
- Nope.
- Are those for me?
It was seven, now it's nine.
- They're for Jenny.
- Who from?
Oh, there's a card in a sealed envelope.
However, as I was making
Pot Noodle at the time,
steam wafted towards the envelope
Alec?
There's no name,
just half a dozen kisses.
"Friday night, 7:30,
dinner at Berto's, red dress,
"no knickers."
He's very concise.
Is that what you call it?
I'd say overbearing.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Those for me?
Yes.
- No card?
- Not that I can see.
Oh. Aren't they lovely?
- Let's put them in water.
- Lovely.
Did you tell Simon that I wasn't really ill?
Shit. Sorry. It just slipped out.
- But Clare doesn't know.
- God, no.
I told her you were chucking up
all over the place.
The thing is, am I gonna
have to lie like that a lot?
- I don't mind now and again.
- Sorry. I know
I know it was a bit awkward for you
but Alec wanted the day off
and wanted to spend it with me.
He must have known you can't
drop everything when you want to.
He knew it was awkward
for a couple of people
but he thought it was worth it.
Yeah, but what if you'd said no?
What if you'd explained that
your colleagues would struggle
and you couldn't let THEM down
because HE wanted
to have sex with YOU?
Are you trying to make
some kind of point?
(Susan) He's a control freak.
(Simon) She is.
She used to be but he's taken over
and she can't see what he's doing.
And that's bad?
Of course it's bad.
I'm only looking out for my friend.
There's a fine line
between looking out for
and sticking your nose in
cos you don't like her boyfriend.
Jenny needs someone
to show her what's going on.
And that someone would be
Me.
How about I cook Sunday lunch?
- When?
- Erm, I was thinking Sunday.
- No, I mean which Sunday?
- You choose.
I'll have to ask Alec.
Why?
He might have plans.
But if you've got plans
then his plans will have to change.
- It doesn't work like that.
- Since when?
Sorry?
You used to decide things for yourself,
you didn't ask permission.
- It's not permission.
- Sounds like it to me.
How about a drink later?
Sure. Why not?
Do you want to check with Alec?
No.
He's staying up in London.
OK if I bring someone back tonight?
You only chucked Vince this morning.
- You can't chuck a one-night stand.
- It's happened to me a few times.
- So is that OK, then?
- I might get lucky this evening.
No, but seriously.
Hiya. I just wondered if
No!
I was talking to Carol.
Any chance of
a couple of photocopies?
Of each page? There's only about 20.
(Mouths)
- What?
- You heard her!
Actually I didn't.
Maybe Carol didn't tell you,
or maybe you didn't hear her,
but we don't provide
a photocopying service for staff.
I don't have time to do this.
Do I look as if I care?
- Please, couldn't you
- No!
Oh, that's it. Blub, blub, blub.
Ah!
(Blows nose noisily)
OK, who's this?
Three years at Loughborough
and I still can't spell "physiotherapy".
- Is that me?
- "Is that me?"
- Is it?
- Course it is.
OK, who's this?
We've run out of tissues
cos I've been wanking all night.
- Nothing like me.
- You knew it was you.
- No.
- (Simon) Who's this?
Don't cry, Penny.
Just put your head on my shoulder
and your hand there. That's it.
- Just a bit lower.
- Why's everyone doing me?!
It was Bob.
Not bad.
You do someone. Not me!
Right.
Look at my massive cock.
I said not me!
(Susan) I'm a new man,
in touch with my feminine side.
I'm a sex god.
- It's Alec.
- I'm a control freak.
- Yep. I got it.
- I'm a big fucking
tosser.
Oh, dear. (Chuckles)
How about another drink. Hmm?
- I'll see what's in the fridge.
- Hi.
- (Jenny) What are you doing here?
- Got the last train after all.
(One Dimension: Simian)
I see the world in one dimension ♪
(JP) Everybody says it was the best.
You had to be there.
You're a woman.
Brian teaches PE.
(Brian) And geography.
Are you staying the night?
Would you mind?
Oh, I
I only see through my dementia
So, I
Oh, I ♪
- What?
- Can I sleep with you again?
Fuck off.
I can't stay in my room.
There's too much noise.
- What kind of noise?
- Giggling.
I think they're telling jokes.
Are they in bed?
Yeah. Think they're gonna have sex?
- How can they if he's gay?
- Maybe he's bisexual.
- Lucky bastard.
- How's that lucky?
He can shag anyone.
Oh.
Budge up.
- You set the alarm?
- Yeah.
(Kurt) Night, then.
(Brian) Night-night.
- She's gone.
- Can I ask you a personal question?
- What about?
- You and what's-her-name.
- Did you, er? You know.
- Shag her?
- Yes.
- What do you think?
I don't know, that's why I'm asking.
I'm bent.
Of course I didn't shag her.
OK. So you'd never shag a woman?
Even if she looked like a bloke?
Especially then. I'm not a lesbian.
No, I know you're not.
But if you were bisexual
- I did try and shag a woman once.
- Did you?
Would you like to talk about it?
- Would you?
- I've got time.
Nothing much to tell really. I was 15,
average age to lose your virginity.
- 15?
- I wouldn't admit I was gay then
so Sandra Pope
was my first proper girlfriend.
The only trouble was,
I couldn't, you know
Get it up.
- Enjoy myself.
- Oh.
While we were doing it
I felt like something was wrong
so after about 20 minutes I said,
"This isn't for me." So we stopped.
20 minutes.
(Door opening)
Morning.
Jenny
(Door slams)
I'm making scrambled eggs
if you're hungry.
Coffee's fine.
Sit down, I think we need to talk.
- Do we?
- Yes.
Please.
Sit.
This isn't easy, is it? Being here.
- At this table?
- In this flat.
I don't remember
the last time I had so much fun.
I'm trying to help.
Well, I wouldn't bother. Really.
I'd like to.
Hang on.
Did I book a therapy session
this morning? No.
Susan, please.
I don't understand why my being
with Jenny is such a problem.
Don't you? Oh, well.
Never mind.
Why can't you just deal with this?
I can.
By getting drunk and slagging me off?
- How will that solve anything?
- Getting drunk solves most things.
Why are you avoiding the issue?
Why are you stopping me
from leaving the kitchen?
Me and Jenny, we're not gonna split up.
Oh.
Fuck off.
You're very hostile.
If he thinks that was hostile
he's in for a shock.
- He's not that bad.
- He's a total, utter wanker.
- But what you said in the pub.
- What?
You don't think maybe
you went a bit far?
You've got no idea, have you?
What it's like for me
living there with them.
Every night. The groping, the noise.
You've got no fucking idea!
See, I don't mind the kissing in public.
You wouldn't.
Why don't you just deal with it
like a grown-up?
- I'm sorry?
- Do what me and Brian did.
We had a problem with JP,
so we made up our rule.
And you think that's grown-up,
to make up some silly rule
about asking everyone
if it's OK to bring a little friend home?
You really think that's grown-up?
Yes.
(Scoffs)
Susan.
If it's so terrible living with me,
why don't you go?
Living with you isn't terrible.
What's so bad about Alec?
I wish you'd tell me.
It's not Alec as such, it's
what he does to you.
The way he makes you behave, it
What's the point?
It's not just the noise
of them banging away,
it's him in the bathroom all the time,
it's them taking over the lounge
and him cooking in the nude
Will you please just shut the fuck up?
Oh. Thanks very much
for your kind understanding.
You don't deserve
any kind understanding.
Yeah, give it a rest.
What about you? Had enough?
I'll have another pint, cheers.
You think I'm making a fuss
about nothing.
(Both) Yes.
(Susan) Right.
Get your coats on.
We're going back to my place.
- What for?
- (Brian) It's miles away.
The only way you'll believe me
is if you come and see for yourselves.
I can't be arsed.
- I'll buy you a kebab on the way.
- Not hungry.
If you stay long enough, they'll go to bed
and you will hear them shagging.
Drink up!
Very nice.
Come on.
(I Am Kloot: To You playing quietly)
Don't mind me.
Very nice.
I don't know what you're doing
There's no clear or present danger
That I see in any stranger
Someone ♪
This is a surprise.
Do you want some?
Thanks but no.
Won't hurry up or harry me
Will someone somewhere marry me?
To you ♪
What? Is there something?
Have I got? What?
Why are you staring?
- We're not.
- Yes, you are.
Just pretend we're not here.
To you
The line on the screen has broken
What once was asleep has woken
I cover your face in make-up
Praying you'll one day wake up
I've littered my life with magic ♪
What exactly are you doing?
- Eating.
- Relaxing.
Thinking.
Sorry, what was the question?
Someone, somewhere said to me ♪
- I'm off to bed.
- I'll be there in a minute.
Night, everyone.
(Both) Night.
..supposed to be
Will someone, somewhere marry me?
To you ♪
What?
If you'd have got here earlier
you'd have seen.
- They do it all the time.
- Yeah, right.
- Just not tonight, eh?
- Get some sleep.
Maybe you've been
overdoing it or something.
I'd always thought if we had a problem
we could talk about it.
Do I have to join in?
It might make it more of a conversation.
(Sighs)
Me and Alec. I realise we've been a bit
physical lately in front of you.
I know it's embarrassing
but in a new relationship
Please, don't.
I'm sorry I got them round here.
I wanted them to see what it was like.
Is it really that bad?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
(Sighs)
Not as much as me.
- I've been
- A cow?
Moody, I was going to say.
- Have I been a cow?
- A bit.
Fuck, why didn't I talk to you?
Everyone said I should.
You ignored the advice
of Simon, Brian and Kurt?
Once I got going I couldn't stop
and the more I was told
I was overreacting,
the more I overreacted.
I've been childish
but when someone tells you that you're
Stop now.
- You weren't that bad.
- Wasn't I?
- I wish you liked him.
- I still like you.
- If you hate my boyfriend
- I wouldn't say I hated him.
Despise, loathe, detest, maybe.
That makes me feel so much better.
Sorry.
Fancy a threesome?
Fuck off.