Teachers (2001) s02e06 Episode Script

(Kurt) Got it. I'd shag Penny and die.
Penny's not here so it doesn't count.
Only those who survived
the plane crash, i.e. us.
All right, then.
I'd eat Brian and shag Jenny.
You'd eat me? You git.
You either eat Jenny and live
or shag her and die.
- I'd shag her and die.
- I'd have to be in a coma to let you.
Whatever.
(Mobile)
Alec, hi.
- He's away for the week.
- Where to?
A course to find his inner self.
Probably naked.
Yeah, Kurt does that.
Only it's called wanking.
- (Brian) Whose go is it?
- JP's. What about Kurt?
I'd eat him, obviously.
Like eating that Fantasy Island midget.
- Wouldn't keep you going.
- Fuck off.
To survive a plane crash
you'd want a fat bastard like Bob.
- Keep you going for days.
- Forget the crash, I'd kill Bob anyway.
What's he done?
Just made my working life a misery.
He makes you work?
She's the one that takes the piss
out of me, not you.
I'm having a night off.
Maybe I should change my name
to Penny. It'd be easier.
You look like more of a Pauline.
I'd just stick my tits out
and I'd get away with anything.
That's unfair.
Penny's tits stick out by themselves.
- He's got a point.
- What did we used to talk about
- before Penny and her tits?
- Tits in general.
- There's more to her than her tits.
- Is there?
All I'm I look more like a Pauline?
She paints her nails
and she don't know
He's got her best friend
on the phone
She'll wash her hair
His dirty clothes
Are all he gives to her
And he's got posters on the wall
Of all the girls he wished she was
And he's everything to her
Her boyfriend, he don't know
Anything about her
He's too stoned
- Nintendo ♪
- Morning, Bob.
I wish that I could make her see
She's just the flavour of the weak
It's Friday night
and she's all alone ♪
- Good weekend?
- No.
Why? Were you missing me?
- Joke.
- Yeah. Good one.
Just to let you know,
we're up to chapter seven.
- Chapter seven of
- To Kill A Mockingbird.
Right. Well done.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Yeah.
- No.
- I'm Jenny this morning.
You're taking my class.
- I've got a free period.
- It was timetabled ages ago.
- Sorry, is this going to be a problem?
- No, it's absolutely fine.
Since when has this been here?
Since you started teaching here.
You've got to hand it to her. Ten to nine
Monday, she's started already.
Who's started what?
- She's just being friendly.
- Oh, Brian, you're so sweet.
False tits, false personality.
- See?
- She'd use anyone. Ask Carol.
- Doesn't Carol worship her?
- She does.
I'm trying to get her to say no to Penny
in a firm but polite way
that may probably include
the words "piss", "off",
"selfish" and "cow".
(Clare) Just some things
to update you with.
We have new stock coming in,
largely due to Jeremy Stevens
collecting 2,000 crisp packets
in the school equipment promotion.
Greedy fucker.
Next, in response to an issue raised
at the last PTA,
I've been looking to improve
pupil-teacher relations.
It struck me some pupils
may have a specific problem
they feel unable to go
to their personal tutor with.
Something they'd prefer
to talk over with another teacher.
Which is why
I'm introducing an open surgery,
or an open door policy
just for this week.
Pupils from any year can choose to see
any member of staff if they need to.
Sometimes you really feel
like she's on our side.
Unless anybody
has a problem with that.
No, it's a really good idea.
- Good.
- (JP) There was something, Clare.
When are we supposed to have
these open surgeries?
Break times, free periods, lunch hours.
Though I don't expect you
to give up all your free time.
That's a relief, then.
So, everyone happy?
Marvellous.
There's no point you giving me this now.
I needed it earlier.
Look, it's just not good enough.
- What's up?
- I forgot
(Sighs heavily)
Don't worry. Tell Clare
I'll cover lunchtime duty for Ken.
Thanks.
OK, chapters five and six.
Did you cover metaphorical intention?
Yes, but I'm not sure they took it in.
It's hard to cram everything
into one lesson.
Maybe it's your lesson plan.
Can I see it?
Sure.
God, there's so much junk in here.
Shit, I think I've left it in my drawer.
Sorry, Jenny. Can I give it to you later?
OK, let's move on to interpretation.
What did you do on how Scout compares
to other female protagonists?
I think I tackled the main points
but I wasn't sure whether to start
with 20th-century characters.
- Or maybe that's too obvious.
- No, I don't think so.
It's just trying to approach it
in a way that gets them interested.
Is there a secret to it?
If there is, I haven't discovered it.
I wouldn't say that
from visiting your lessons.
Have you always been so confident?
No, I'm actually very timid.
You're trying to make me feel better.
Yes.
So how do I get to at least appear
as confident as you?
OK, let's think.
Frightening them to death
so they're in fear of you forever is good.
(Kids chattering)
Right, come on. Shut it!
Shh. OK.
Write down the answers
to the questions on the board
without talking.
It should take you
to the end of the lesson.
Have fun.
(Clears throat)
I don't think we've done this bit.
Maybe you were asleep
when Miss Neville did it.
No. She just told us to read stuff.
She didn't go through it with us.
But she set questions
for chapters five and six?
(All) No.
OK! Let's go back to chapter five.
- Jem and Dill.
- Which one's Jem?
That's very funny.
You weren't joking, were you?
(Bell)
- Cheers, sir, it wasn't bad.
- Thanks, Ricky.
I take it he was being sarcastic?
I've done some good stuff with them.
- And ruined the good stuff Penny did?
- What good stuff?
Are you being your usual childlike self
or making a point?
No, but now you mention it
I've taught them more in one lesson
than Penny has all term.
- Yeah, right.
- She's more crap than I thought.
- She's not that bad.
- She makes me look good.
- You're such a good role model.
- At least they're learning.
Penny's not covered half the stuff
she's supposed to have.
Yes, she has.
I'm her mentor. I should know.
Or are you trying to say
I can't do my job properly?
What's got into you?
- You're implying I've neglected her.
- I'm not.
But it can't be easy
keeping on top of everything,
doing your job, which you do well -
exceptionally well -
and being a mentor.
- So I'm incapable of doing two jobs?
- No!
- If she was behind, I'd have spotted it.
- OK.
If you think you've done
such a great job, I'll leave you to it.
- Penny.
- Hm.
You'd tell me if you had a problem
with your English class?
Yeah, of course. Why?
Simon got the impression
they were behind in their coursework.
I didn't realise an NQ
was meant to produce geniuses.
- Maybe I should apologise.
- He wasn't criticising you.
He was concerned,
which made me concerned.
I'm trying my best,
it's just not easy sometimes.
- One or two can be really disruptive.
- Who?
- Ricky Sharpe can be a nightmare.
- Can he?
Maybe he's just like that with me
because I'm new.
I'll let you get on.
Kurt can speak to him.
He's in his tutor group.
I don't want to make an issue of it.
He can't get away with it.
Leave it with me.
After you, Jason.
I suppose it comes down
to freedom of choice.
Though it's up to you if you want to buy
your own shin pads.
Was there anything else
apart from hockey
you wanted to ask me?
Why is the sky blue?
Good question, Wayne.
Ah, unfortunately, we're out of time.
(Feeder: High)
Guess I'm stuck in a dream ♪
Sorry, Kayla, bit pushed for time.
Can you see me tomorrow?
Why would I want to see you?
I'm seeing Mrs Gately.
Normally I wouldn't be arsed
but they're really starting
to get on my tits.
Right. (Sniffs)
Who are?
- My mum and dad.
- Right, yeah.
(Kurt) Oh, parents.
I could give you some advice
but I think you should speak
to someone else.
She's excellent with this sort of stuff.
- Thanks, Mrs Gately.
- That's OK, Kayla. Any time.
Bye, Miss.
I'm going out for a while ♪
(Sighs heavily) Excellent.
(Muffled) Fucking open fucking surgery.
Don't get time to eat.
Do you think we should get
Carol to translate?
JP's a crafty git,
volunteering to do lunch duty.
Fucking hell.
JP's volunteered to do something?
But he gets out of open surgery.
- And he gets paid for it.
- Oh, yeah.
- (Susan chuckles)
- Bastard!
Why do I always get the manic
depressive, suicidal little fuckers?
You're lucky.
Is it worth me
asking you to explain that?
Well, all I get is questions about
globes or atlases
or fucking shin pads.
I thought I'd get something a bit more
- you know, challenging.
- Aw.
I'm sure you'll get
a suicidal little freak soon.
I don't want to make
a mountain out of a molehill
but it did upset me a bit.
Yes, I'm sure.
It's just if Simon's going to say
something about my teaching,
I'd rather he said it to my face
than behind my back.
I doubt it was on purpose.
It was probably a casual remark.
That's not the impression I got.
I'm sure they're in breach of the NU
code of professional conduct.
Not that I'd tell my union rep.
No, I can understand you
not wanting to go down that route.
You'd still work together.
Not easy once a hostile atmosphere's
been created.
Do you think
I should've kept this to myself?
No, you did the right thing
in coming to see me
but we don't want to stir up animosity
so it'll be better if I just
have a quiet word with Simon.
I would've brought this up with Jenny
but she's been so busy
with open surgery.
I'm sure the last thing she needs
is being a mentor to me.
Well, if she can't see you,
I don't mind helping out.
- Just for this week.
- But you're busy.
No, I'm sure I can fit you in.
I've got to see Clare.
Let's make a time for tomorrow.
Thanks, Bob.
If you don't mind being stuck
with a boring old git like me.
You're not exactly
on a Zimmer frame.
It's a change to talk to someone
more mature than Brian, Kurt and Simon.
That's not too difficult, though, is it?
(Penny giggles)
(JP) If it bothers you so much,
you take over playground duty.
(Kurt) I will.
(Simon) So will I.
Plain or cheese and onion?
No complicated questions after today.
In fact, no one ask me anything again.
There you go. Decision made for you.
I wanted cheese and onion.
Your favourite pupil from year 7
has asked to see me
in open surgery tomorrow.
- Kayla.
- Why isn't she coming to me?
No idea.
Is there something wrong with me?
You don't want me to answer that.
I can talk about personal stuff.
I can be sympathetic.
I can be approachable.
(All) Whoa!
(El Hula: Planet Harlem)
I heard it on the radio
It's doing one-century time
Ask me
Is this planet a part I'm playing?
Is this planet a part of me? ♪
(Bell)
(Starsky And Hutch pastiche)
What the fuck?
- It can't be.
- No way.
- It fucking is.
- Bob!
(Brian) Where's Starsky?
(Kurt) The Singing Detective.
You don't think you've overdone it a bit
on the sun bed, Bob?
- No, it's my natural colouring.
- Oh.
Well, what's all this in aid of?
Nothing.
You you look great, Bob. Really.
I'll tell Clare you're covering again.
- Thanks, Liz.
- (Reception bell)
Too late. He's beaten you to it.
You can't do it again tomorrow.
- Why not?
- It's against the rules.
- The ones you've just made up?
- Yes.
Oh, fucking great,
the trampoline's broken!
I told Jeremy not to go on it -
the fat fuck!
Thanks.
Is there something I should know?
No.
(Bell)
I should let you know
I'm helping Penny today.
- With what?
- She knows how busy you are
so I'll help her
catch up on her coursework.
Just for this week.
I would've helped her
if she'd have come to me.
- Are you busy at lunchtime?
- Well, yes but
Well, there we are. Problem solved.
And I'd be careful what you say
about her behind her back.
I didn't.
I just mentioned to Jenny
she was behind on the coursework.
- What else did she say?
- Nothing. She was just upset.
Her confidence has been knocked
so it's up to us to support her.
Right. Shall we all wear
"Well done, Penny" badges?
If you could take something seriously
just for once.
For fuck's sake!
Is it "Have a go at Jenny" week?
- Why doesn't he just say it?
- What?
- He thinks I'm crap.
- Yeah. Probably.
Brian!
Brian.
Do you think I could do
with being fitter?
- What about a bit of toning?
- Huh. A bit?
Why do you want to get fit suddenly?
I've been thinking about it for a while.
I just want to feel better, look better.
But you'll still look like
you.
Look, would you help me
to get in shape?
Maybe you could be
my personal trainer?
- Is this a wind-up?
- No, I'm serious.
All right, then.
You can pay me in beer.
I've been asked
to have a word with you.
Stop pissing about
in Miss Neville's lessons.
- I haven't been.
- Bollocks.
I've checked your marks
and you're only down in English.
I know. I tried to tell you yesterday.
It's not my fault.
- Whose fault is it?
- Miss Neville's. She's shit!
You get stuck on something,
she either gives you a vague answer
or talks about personal stuff
till you forget what you asked.
Or she leans over
and shoves her tits in your face.
(Boing!)
What? She actually leans right in?
She does it to most of the lads.
At first it was a laugh
but you learn fuck all off her.
Now my parents are on my back about it.
And they're literally in your face?
Look, if I get bad marks this year,
it's because of her, right?
Right.
Er, that's it. See ya.
So what are you going to do about it?
Just leave it with me.
- Thanks, Miss Paige.
- Bye, Kayla.
Why did Kayla want to see you?
She just wanted to ask me
a couple of personal questions.
Oh, right. I wasn't being nosy,
I just wondered
if it may affect her coursework.
Not really.
Oh, right. Good.
(Panicked breathing)
(Breathes faster)
(Penguins chirping)
(Clare) It must be nice to be wanted.
(Mouths)
(JP) Ask her if it's true.
What am I meant to say?
"Please don't shove your tits
in Ricky's face. It's distracting."
It's straight to the point.
- You could mention it to her.
- Me?
You're gay. She won't mind
you mentioning her tits.
If I do it, she'll think I'm coming onto her.
I'm not doing it.
No!
See you in the staff room
for the five-minute lunch hour.
Can't, I'm doing
circuit training with Bob.
Am I the only one
who finds it disturbing?
(Kurt and Jenny) No.
It's almost - and I mean almost -
enough to make you
feel sorry for Penny.
- Is it?
- Would you want Bob lusting after you?
- Of course.
- Would you?
(Susan) All the classic signs
of a mid-life crisis.
(Kurt) Oh, fuck. He's not going to start
break-dancing, is he?
(Susan) What's so sad is
he probably believes Penny fancies him.
(Kurt) No wonder
he's giving her one-to-ones.
(Jenny) So while I thought
I was fucking up and he was helping her,
he actually only wants
to get into her knickers.
Stupid old twat.
(Panting)
I thought you said
we'd start with a gentle warm-up?
We are.
What?
(Sighs heavily)
- The trick is
- Shall I open a window?
You look a bit flushed.
No, I'm fine.
Erm, get them interested in it first.
Find something contentious.
Get a reaction from them.
Right. The thing is, whenever I do that,
they don't seem interested.
What makes you think that?
I don't know, they just have
these bored expressions.
Maybe I'm approaching it badly.
Too rambling.
I'm not as direct as Jenny.
You could say
she always gets straight to the point.
I'm glad you said that.
I was feeling paranoid.
Am I the only person in the school
who finds her a bit intimidating?
She can seem like that
if you don't know her.
- You don't find me intimidating?
- No.
But you're quite good at making people
feel at ease, aren't you?
Am I?
(Bell)
Anyway, erm the best plan would be
for you to write notes
on how you're going to tackle
your year 11 class tomorrow.
So that's the key elements
of Scout's emotional journey.
We'll go over it in the morning.
Fine. No problem.
Good.
- Can I have a word, Bob?
- Is it important?
I think it is, yes.
I appreciate you trying to help
but I should look after Penny.
- She's my responsibility.
- But you have no time for her.
If Penny feels she's behind,
she should come to me.
She told me she's not behind.
She will say that if you intimidate her.
- She said that?
- It was more implied.
I mean, you clearly
haven't got time to mentor her
- so I think I should do it.
- Fine.
I'm obviously incapable!
(Jenny) She's a duplicitous,
manipulative, twisted little cow.
Who the hell does she think she is,
saying I'm intimidating?
I have never intimidated her!
For fuck's sake!
Look what she's made me do!
At least you're not
letting her get to you.
Bob's only helping her
because he fancies her.
He'll probably let Clare know
and she'll want to know
why I didn't spot
that Penny was so far behind
in her work,
which won't reflect well on me!
So it's not Penny so much as being
accused of neglecting her
- and appearing unprofessional.
- Good idea if you don't say anything
- Right.
- ..ever.
I think what you should do
Can I just point out you're the 25th
person I've advised today?
Put all this in perspective.
You're getting wound up
about someone who thinks having
a boob job is a career advancement.
- In her case it is, though.
- Shut up.
Sooner or later,
she's going to get found out.
Until then, don't let her know
she's getting to you.
In fact, be nice to her.
It'll confuse her, trust me.
- Nice?
- It's when you're polite to someone,
pay them compliments
(Sighs heavily) OK.
Nice.
I can do nice.
- Go on, then.
- Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.
She's probably
got a lot on her mind
Go on!
Penny, I wanted a word.
- What about?
- It's about Ricky Sharpe.
Only it's a bit awkward.
Why?
It's just He came to see me.
Hm.
He thinks there's a couple of things
getting in the way
of his class work in English.
- What things?
- Big things.
Huge.
You going to tell me what they are?
Yes, I am.
Carol, fancy a drink?
OK.
Er, probably best I tell you
when no one else is around.
See you later.
If I were you, I'd be relieved
you don't go out with Kurt any more.
You don't mind
Bob taking over from me?
No, not really.
Although if I'm being honest
(Sniggers)
- Wind.
- I'd rather have you.
I mean, Bob's lovely but a bit boring.
He'll say, "What are the key elements
of Scout's emotional journey?"
and you think about something else
until you reach a point
where you've forgotten
what those key elements are
and your notes make no sense.
- Do you know what I mean?
- Not really.
I mean, you've lost
your concentration so much
then he puts you on the spot.
So, say you're me.
He'd go, "What are the key elements?"
You say
Just say you need a bit more time
to think about it.
Erm can you carrying drinks?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
Does anyone have a clue
what she was talking about?
No idea.
Bob's asked her to do something,
she can't do it,
so she's trying to get us
to give her the answers.
Of course, it's obvious.
Is that why Jenny had to tell you?
- Where have you been?
- Doing circuits with Bob.
Do you lose your concentration
when Bob's talking to you?
No, just the will to live. Why?
It must just be me, then.
So, did you lose
your concentration so much
you couldn't answer it?
No, I did give him an answer.
I'm just not sure I gave enough emphasis
to some of the elements.
Which would you say were important?
Probably the same as you.
How about you, Jenny?
Some elements are more key than
others. But it's down to interpretation.
I mean, all interpretation
is ultimately subjective.
- True.
- I'm sure you got it right.
I'd better go.
I've got some things to do.
One of you can have this.
- See you tomorrow.
- (Simon and Jenny) Bye.
- What happened to being nice?
- We were being nice.
- By not helping her?
- But we did it in a nice way.
Did you tell her?
- Kind of.
- You didn't, did you?
- No.
- No.
Penny's been shoving her tits
in Ricky Sharpe's face.
Makes a change from Bob's face.
If one of us did what she's doing,
it'd be sexual harassment.
We haven't got tits.
Bob has.
I wonder if I'll have tits
when I'm Bob's age?
Did you ever make sense of your notes?
- Yes, I think so.
- Good.
What the
Morning!
Fucking hell.
It's Judith Chalmers.
(Starsky And Hutch pastiche)
If you need anything else,
you know where I am.
OK, bye.
Is everything OK, Kayla?
Yes, thanks.
You know, my door's always open
to anyone.
Hm, it's shut, actually.
You know what I mean.
- Did you give Penny work last night?
- Is that any of your business?
No, it's just she seemed
unsure about her notes.
- If so, she can ask me.
- We were just concerned about her.
- Did you give her some work?
- Yes
- Did she do it?
- She's finishing it off.
So she might still be
finishing it off next week then?
What's with this back-biting?
You, Penny. Penny, Jenny.
- Let's nip this in the bud.
- I'm not doing a group hug.
You two and Penny, my office, 1 pm.
- What about open surgery?
- Bollocks to open surgery.
(Idlewild: Rusty)
You look worn out
More and more each day
With every step
And every page
You look worn out
More and more each day
With every step
And every page
Your croft dated back
to the beginning ♪
(Strained breaths)
Bob, slow down.
I've got a meeting ten minutes.
Oh! Fucking hell.
..back to the beginning
of the century
It's the beginning
of the century
What are you looking for? ♪
If, as I suspect,
personal differences are overriding
your commitments as teachers,
I want to make it clear
that I won't tolerate it!
You're meant to offer support to NQTs,
not destroy their confidence.
I want this sorted out now.
I think you rely on other people
to help you out too much.
- I'm doing my best.
- Are you?
If that's how you feel,
I'd rather know the truth.
If other people think the same,
I'd sooner know.
I could ask around.
Jenny, is there anything
you'd like to say to Penny?
I wish you'd come to me
instead of going to Bob
and telling him I'm intimidating.
I think I've been
the exact opposite with you.
Maybe it's just your manner
or something.
Is that it?
Not quite.
I also want to say I've set aside
as much time as I could for you.
I know and I appreciate that.
I also appreciate that your time is limited.
I'm not trying to blame you.
I know you like to rush home
to Alec every night.
- What are you trying to imply?
- I'm not implying anything.
- Then why bring Alec into this?
- You're overreacting.
You only mentioned it
to suggest I put my personal life
- before my work life.
- No.
Bollocks! You've just tried to shift
the focus from you to me.
This is about your teaching
inadequacies, not mine.
- Don't snap at her.
- (Jenny) I wasn't!
Why does everybody
misinterpret what I say?
I'm just trying to be a good teacher.
Maybe you can't handle the job.
I wasn't saying you definitely can't.
For fuck's sake,
you're making it worse. Shut up.
Oh, jeez!
- Bob?
- Ow!
Oh, fuck!
(Bob screams)
Oh, fuck, I think it's his heart!
It's OK! Everything's under control.
I'll go with him to the hospital.
Poor Bob.
Fuck.
Sorry.
What exactly happened?
We were doing role-play,
trying to see things from
Penny's perspective as an NQ
and Penny was trying to see things
from the perspective of the mentor.
- Why was she crying?
- She gets very involved.
Until we hear from the hospital,
let's play this down a little.
It'll only cause disruption.
Poor old Bob.
I'll miss him having a go at me.
I'll miss his little orange face.
Murderer.
What? Don't blame me.
- You pushed him too hard.
- It's not my fault he overdid it.
If anyone's to blame, it's them.
We didn't know
he'd have a heart attack.
Maybe his jeans were too tight
and caused a build-up of pressure.
What a shame.
Died dressed like a twat.
(Mobile)
Hello?
Penny.
What?
He's sitting up in bed.
- Indigestion.
- The stupid bastard.
Fucking ponce!
I told him not to eat after exercising!
Thanks, Penny. Bye.
- Some good should come of this.
- Like what?
- The end of his mid-life crisis.
- How?
If he feels humiliated enough
maybe he'll start acting his age again.
(Starsky And Hutch pastiche)
- Bob. Feeling better?
- Fine.
You think he's been
on a day trip to Chernobyl?
Bob's OK.
I'm, er
just go to the loo.
Mm-hm.
(Sighs)
Bad news. Ken's back.
Yeah, but he's still fragile
so I said I'd help at lunchtime.
The stingy bastards.
(Penny) How are you, Bob?
(Bob) Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
Never better.
Have you finished
writing up your notes?
Nearly. I would've done them yesterday,
only what with being
all that time at the hospital
Yeah. Er end of the day?
No problem. Thanks, Bob.
- So much for your theory.
- We've got to tell him.
You're right. Off you go.
- Why should it be me?
- It was your idea.
- But he might be really hurt.
- Yeah, it's too cruel.
Someone's got to say something
to stop him going more orange.
- You're his personal trainer.
- I'm not doing it!
He might chin me.
You do it, JP.
Bob wouldn't hit you, you're gay.
Why do you assume I can sort things out
just because I'm gay?
- Does that mean you'll do it?
- No.
Abso-fucking-lutely not.
(Sighs heavily)
Only one thing for it, then.
(Simon) Oh, yes, baby.
(Susan) Oh, phew.
(All) Oh!
(Brian) Bastard!
- You fixed that!
- Bollocks I did!
(Simon) Did you?
(Kurt) Course I did!
(Simon) Nice.
(Bell)
(Bang)
Yours, I believe.
Enjoy your day.
Sorry, Bob, that's all I've got time for.
I've got open surgery.
- You can be a bit late.
- Not really.
Clare might be on the warpath.
All right, we'll jog on the way in.
I was thinking of, er joining a gym.
Bob
Look, I'm not very good
at this sort of thing.
I don't know how to say this
without hurting you.
But you're making a complete twat
of yourself, mate.
What do you mean?
All this getting fit and stuff.
Just cos I'm a bit older, it doesn't mean
I can't get myself in shape.
- No, I wasn't saying that.
- What were you saying, then?
(Sighs) Well, it's just more to do
with why you're doing this.
Well, I'm not with you.
Well say, for instance,
you were doing this
because you fancied someone.
Like who?
I dunno. Anyone.
Maybe someone a bit younger.
Maybe more than a bit younger,
quite a lot younger.
Why should I fancy anyone else?
I'm a happily married man.
Well, maybe not so much
you fancying them.
It could be you thinking
they might fancy you, for instance.
Yeah, well, I shouldn't think
anyone fancies me.
Yeah, well, you know
what some women are like.
They make you think they fancy you
so you let them get away with stuff.
But you know,
they actually think you're boring.
In fact, they might say that
behind your back.
Well, I've had worse things
said about me.
Anyway, it's not like
it's ever going to happen.
There you go, then.
It's nothing to worry about.
Yeah, I'm feeling a bit of a twinge.
Yeah, perhaps I should take it easy
for a few days, yeah?
(Female teacher) Any time.
- Any time.
- OK. Bye-bye.
(Turin Brakes: Slack)
I've got a rifle on my back
Swinging past the birch trees ♪
I'm actually quite busy, Kurt.
Is this important?
Er well
Is this going to take
Ricky doesn't want you
to shove your tits in his face.
His parents are angry cos his grades
are low and he thinks you're crap!
No, I ain't slack ♪
(Knocking)
Erm, shall I come back later?
No. It's fine.
I, erm
I think I might've let this whole
Penny situation get out of hand.
Have you?
Well, it's obvious
that you're more than capable
of being Penny's mentor.
Thanks, Bob.
Having said that, I still think
it's best if I keep helping her.
It's not that I'm implying
that older is necessarily wiser
because sometimes it isn't.
In fact, older can sometimes mean
foolish
stupid, even.
It's just that, er
a more senior figure is expected
to exert more authority,
more discipline.
At least, that's the theory.
It's not always easy
to put it into practice.
It's sometimes easy to
be distracted and make a mistake.
Still, erm
there's always time to make amends.
I'm sure Penny will appreciate
what you're doing for her.
And so do I.
(Door closes)
(Weeping)
Why do you think
Kayla's been avoiding me?
Oh, it is just a hunch but maybe
she doesn't want to ask advice
from someone who's convinced
she's the daughter of Satan.
So if she was in trouble, serious trouble,
she'd never come to me.
Look, don't worry. It's fine.
Penny.
Er, departmental meeting,
my office, 9am tomorrow morning.
Er, I want the forecast grades in
for year 11 without excuses.
I've drawn up a timetable for you
so you know
when you can come and see me.
And don't worry, if you fall behind,
I've set some assignments
to help you.
(Bell)
Er, Kayla.
Er if something was wrong,
do you think
I'm someone you could come to?
- It depends what's wrong.
- Say it was something serious.
What I'm trying to say is,
why have you seen
every other member of staff
for open surgery except me?
I haven't seen everyone.
It's just your paranoia.
Well, quite a few
other members of staff.
Maybe I'd feel awkward talking to you.
But you can talk to me about anything.
- Anything?
- Absolutely.
OK, then.
I wasn't sure whether to use
sanitary towels or tampons
cos I only started my periods this week.
Then I wasn't sure whether
to get the winged sanitary towels.
Winged.
So why didn't you ask your mum?
Would you ask her if you were me?
Fair point.
Someone said if you've got a heavy flow
you could go on the pill.
But I think I'm too young.
What do you think?
Erm
Do you need a new atlas?
(Susan) Do you think Carol's
got a Penny shrine in her bedroom?
Probably filled with the photocopies
Penny made her do.
I can't believe
he gave her so much stuff to do.
Even you wouldn't be that cruel.
No, mainly because I'd have
to spend hours checking it
and Alec's back tomorrow.
- (Simon) Oh, fuck!
- What?
I think I'm starting to feel sorry for her.
Oh, no, it's OK. It's gone now.
(Thunder)
- Are you going to the pub?
- Yeah.
No, we can't.
We're doing something else.
Right.
What was all that about?
She can't come to the pub if Bob's there.
It might upset him.
- Bob's coming to the pub?
- Yeah, I've asked him.
Why? We never ask him.
I know but I feel sorry for him.
Poof.
He's asked Bob to the pub.
- Bob!
- Nice gesture.
- I thought so.
- Sorry, what I meant was
- Ow!
- You fucking prick!
Poor Bob, though. She's made him look
like a complete pillock.
Maybe we should make an effort.
Wear your Wonderbra tomorrow.
That'd cheer him up.
Two-faced cow. I'm not talking to her
unless I have to.
- Yeah, me too.
- You don't talk to her anyway,
- you just stare at her tits.
- Oh, yeah.
OK, from now on, I won't stare at her tits
unless I have to.
Or unless it's accidental.
Or unless she's wearing
a really low-cut top.
You know the pink one
she wears sometimes.
(Chuckles)
(Belle And Sebastian:
The Boy With The Arab Strap)
(Horn beeps)
(Horn beeps)
- What?
- It doesn't start.
(Jenny) OK!