Teachers (2001) s02e07 Episode Script

Ann Widdecombe or Thora Hird?
No contest. Thora Hird.
She's got that great automatic bed.
(Brian) Anne Widdecombe
or Mother Theresa?
What's he staring at?
He's probably trying to work out
whether you're Bill or Ben.
- He won't beat you up.
- (JP) At least you're his own size.
- Kids always stare at me.
- They sense you're a teacher.
They can't believe you're a teacher.
(Jenny) It's like this having tits
when you're around.
- What are you doing?
- (JP) People can still see you.
- Kids shouldn't be allowed in pubs.
- He's not harming you.
He keeps staring.
He's making me feel like I look weird.
He's turned you into
a retarded Marcel Marceau.
He's lowered the level of conversation.
I'd say peekaboo and working out
the ugliest person you'd shag
are pretty much on the same level.
I hate to say it but I agree with Kurt.
- Pub's not the place for kids.
- But where do you draw the line?
So long as they stump up
when it's their round.
- We were all children once.
- (Brian) But you like kids.
I like teaching them. That's different.
I don't want them wherever I go.
You need to be able
to get away from them sometimes.
(My Life Story: It's A Girl Thing)
It's a girl thing, it's a girl thing
Nah, nah, nah, nah, oh, it's a girl thing
It's a girl thing
She removed your name
from the speed-dialler screen
And now you don't exist,
yeah, cos it's a girl thing
In her arms or in her clutches
You might find out just what she thinks
Cos it's a girl thing
Hey
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, it's a girl thing
It's a girl thing ♪
(Baby cries)
It's a girl, girl thing
It's a gi-ir-irl thing ♪
Good morning. As you know,
this morning, year 9 tutor groups
are going to be
talking about contraception.
After speaking with Beverley Jarvis
I've decided that year 11 groups
should go over the subject again too.
Beverley feels that
she was underinformed
about the risks of pregnancy.
I've persuaded her
to give a lunch-time talk
about her own experiences
which I'd like all year 1 1s to attend,
along with their tutors.
It might be OK. They've had
two extra years to find the clitoris.
They're all at it like rabbits anyhow.
Maybe they should take it in turns
to teach the class.
If anything would make you
use contraception,
it's a roomful of kids.
You should be so lucky.
Sorry. They've run out of baby carrots.
(Liz) What are you doing?
You're not getting one.
Year 7s aren't doing contraception.
If I hear from Kayla that
you've mentioned anything
that goes on below the waist,
I'll be down on you like a ton of bricks.
And that's about
the size of it, so to speak.
So if none of you have any questions,
we'll move on to something more
Yes.
Why can't men sometimes get erections?
Erm sorry, I can't help you there.
(Laughter and cheering next door)
You forgot one. The best way not
to get pregnant is not to have sex.
I'm surprised you missed that one out.
But for that to work,
it helps if you're really short and ugly.
The sheep was introduced
to New Zealand
- by the Europeans.
- What, that one?
No. Obviously not this one.
Anyway, they introduced
quite a few of them.
And they reproduced and now
there are 14 million of them.
(Kayla) How did they reproduce?
Well in the same way
all animals reproduce.
You know, a a man sheep
meets a lady sheep
and they fall in love.
Sex is crap if you're wearing a condom.
That's not true if you're doing it right.
And can anyone tell me the risks
of not wearing a condom?
- AIDS, venereal disease, pregnancy.
- Not enjoying it so much.
You say that but you also
wouldn't enjoy it so much
if you had genital warts.
My class don't know the difference
between a coil and a Slinky.
They didn't take in a word of what I said.
Nor mine.
(Simon) They might have
found it a bit confusing.
Perhaps we've done the world a favour
by educating a generation
to have sex with vegetables.
Kurt, what are you doing?
Oh, you are disgusting!
I wasn't looking at Bev!
- I was just
- (Brian) Well, I think it's beautiful.
It's what women were designed for.
- It's a natural bodily function.
- So shouldn't she do it in the toilets?
No. This is the canteen.
This is where people eat.
- We'd better not be late.
- Can't we just skip it?
Seeing that's put me off having kids
for life. And white coffee.
(Baby screams)
You start to swell up like some giant boil,
veins start appearing all over your body.
You get all hairy.
You have to start wearing
floral tents from Mothercare.
(Baby screams)
And then milk begins dripping out of you
and you smell like rotten cheese.
Then you have to give birth to it.
Get away from there. You're too young.
(Bev) ..right down the middle.
Then you think you're going
to shit yourself, and you do.
But you've still got hours to go.
And if you can't get it out yourself
then they cut you open
and stitch you back together again.
If you don't tear open, that is.
After that you feel like
every time you sneeze
your insides are going to drop out.
But the worst thing is
you've got a baby
that you've got to look after 24/7.
Your life is over.
So if you want to have sex
more than once in your life,
use contraception.
- Thank you.
- (Bell)
Now I know why men
sometimes can't get erections.
It's put me off sex for days.
No, it's put you off being
sexually frustrated for days.
What's your problem?
You'll never have to give birth.
What happened to you?
Are you all right?
(Bev) Miss?
Miss? Can I have my baby back?
Yeah. Of course. Sorry.
- She's lovely.
- He's lovely.
Yeah, he is, isn't he?
I didn't really mean all that stuff I said.
What stuff?
- Caesarean or natural birth?
- Caesarean.
They cut you open,
they drop instruments inside you.
You'll be searched in airports forever.
- I don't care.
- Susan?
Caesarean or natural childbirth?
- I don't mind.
- No, it's a game.
- What is?
- What's the matter with you?
I want to have a baby.
What? Can't you get the drinks in first?
- Christ, what brought this on?
- I don't know.
One minute I wanted to rap the baby's
head on a chair to stop it crying,
and the next I fell in love with it.
Didn't you see his tiny little hands?
Were those the tiny things
on the end of its tiny arms?
All I know is that holding Bev's baby
made me realise
that I want to have one too.
I think it's a great idea.
(Kurt) I thought you needed
to escape from kids.
If you have your own you never will.
They're worse than pot plants.
You'll go mad.
No, I won't. Even if your kids
turn out to be Tory politicians
you still like them, it's a fact of life,
like being embarrassed by your dad.
But you've still got to find a man first.
And that'll take
God knows how long that'll take.
I don't need a man. All I need
is the right genetic material.
You're too young to have a baby.
You heard Bev.
Have a baby and your life's over.
You'll never be able to I don't know
- bungee jump.
- I don't care.
Fucking hell. I never thought
I'd hear myself say this but
I want a baby.
(Lash: Beauty Queen)
You ain't a little angel no more
You turned into a stranger, what for?
Just how far can you go?
Well, who knows?
You think I'm entertainment, whoa
Can't you see I'm danger, oh-oh
You're on your way
You're going further every day
Now I've got to let you go
Whoa-whoa, whoa-wo-oh-oh
And I've got to let you know,
whoa-whoa, oh
There's a door you didn't see
Don't you know I'm a beauty queen?
Yeah
You say you want to make up, whoa-oh
But hey it's time to break up, oh-oh ♪
I've thought of lots of other reasons.
- For not having a baby yet?
- Oh.
You won't be able to go to
the cinema ever again for a start,
you won't be able to go to clubs,
you won't be able to go to the theatre,
you won't be able to go to the opera.
We don't do those things anyhow.
- We spend every night down the pub.
- You won't be able to do that either.
Maybe I can blackmail a couple
of year 7s into taking it home
as a school project sometimes.
Would that make me having a baby
easier for you?
It's you I'm worried about.
That's very sweet.
But there's no need to worry.
I'll still come to the pub
and help you find your bike.
Or go to the opera.
..queen, a beauty queen ♪
- So how's Susan?
- Hormonally unbalanced.
Is she still set on this baby thing?
She's too young.
I told her all the things
she'd be missing out on.
- Bungee jumping.
- All she wants is happiness.
You'd never get a man thinking like that.
So she's still on the hunt
for genetic material, then?
What's up with them?
They're worried about losing
their chief crisp purchaser.
I told them I wanted to have a baby.
I wish I could have seen their faces.
No, I meant it.
Why does everyone do that?
You don't even eat crisps.
But the only thing babies are good for
are making baby lotion out of,
and I quote.
Well, I've had a change of heart.
Why? I mean, what happened?
I suppose it's just one of those things
that happens to women.
One moment you think babies
are horrible pink grubs that cry
and the next you can't wait to have
a pink grub of your own.
Couldn't you make do
with an ant farm or a bowl of maggots?
Sorry, it's just a bit of a surprise.
What, and you think
it's not a surprise to me?
Have you thought about
who'll be the father?
No, I haven't worked things
through that far yet.
I'm struggling with
the idea of being its mother.
- Have you copied those notes?
- I've just got in.
I did ask for them on Friday.
But if you get them to me
by this afternoon that'll be fine.
If teaching doesn't work out,
she could get a job at Prontaprint.
- I thought you didn't care what she did.
- I don't.
As long as she doesn't break
the photocopier.
Well, it looks like your worries are over.
You don't just want a baby to have
someone to photocopy for you?
You could lure Carol away from Penny
with a few dog chews.
Too late. Classic case of imprinting.
Penny was the first person Carol saw
after Kurt dumped her.
There's no breaking that bond.
If Penny were to drop dead,
Mutley there would spend her life
growling on her gravestone.
(Bell)
- Susan, can I have a word?
- Can it wait?
No.
OK. Well, go on, then.
I'd like to be the father.
We wouldn't have to sleep together
or anything.
Well, if you wanted to, we could.
Or I could just you know.
- And I wouldn't want any rights.
- Brian
I'd just like to play football
with him sometimes
- and take him to home games.
- Brian.
I'm very flattered, of course,
but it's not going to happen.
Not in a million years. I'm sorry.
Can I ask you something?
- I warned you.
- What?
- Not to go there.
- Go where?
- Below the waist.
- I didn't.
That's not what Kayla says.
I talked about the breeding of livestock.
It's in the syllabus.
It says in the syllabus that
sheep only decide to have lambs
once they're in a tender,
loving relationship?
- No. I just thought
- What did you think?
That the boy sheep
had to ask permission
to marry the girl sheep?
- No, I
- They get married in white.
And then they go on honeymoon
to an exotic corner of their field.
All right?
Please, don't you offer
to father my child, too.
What are you talking about?
You didn't, did you?
Not you as well!
What happened to being too young?
About bungee jumping?
You were the one who brought that up.
Anyhow, I've done bungee jumping.
Only lasts a few seconds
then you feel sick.
What does that remind me of?
- I think I'd be a good dad.
- I think you would, too.
Thanks.
Well, you can all forget about it.
I wouldn't dip my toe
into this school's stagnant gene pool.
There are three billion men
out there to choose from,
and any one of them
would be preferable to one of you lot.
Whoever you choose,
you want to give them a thorough check.
Ginger people dye their hair
to lure the unsuspecting.
You want to find a man with small hips.
And big breasts.
What a pity you've ruled
everyone here out.
- Bob's your dream man.
- No, not Bob.
He's a Cancer.
The star sign.
You should find one of those men
who's genetically incapable
of growing facial hair.
- Clare wants to see you two.
- What about?
- How should I know?
- You know everything.
But the only fun thing
about knowing everything
is scaring the people
that don't know everything.
Ask God.
(Jenny) If you could have any of those,
which would you have?
How about Lee?
- Haven't you seen Alien?
- Wayne?
I'd have to sleep
with Quasimodo, wouldn't I?
Ed Smith's a nice boy.
You must remember his dad.
He used to teach biology.
- The Paul Newman lookalike?
- He was clever, too.
So what are you saying?
Who should I take my egg cup along to?
The 65-year-old or the 14-year-old?
Ed's older brother
is joining the school tomorrow.
Thank you for your concern
but I'm not that desperate.
I don't have to resort
to seducing schoolchildren yet.
No?
(Liz) He's coming to work here.
He's 25. His name is Errol.
(Buzzer)
I've had a letter
from Josh Atkinson's mother.
She's worried about
her son's academic progress.
- What progress?
- That's her point.
I'm sorry but he's impossible to teach.
- Jenny?
- I agree with Susan.
He's a disruptive influence.
Have you got any suggestions
about how we could bring him
more into the fold?
I'll try and stall his mother
with a copy of the new school brochure.
In the meantime,
try and think of something we can do
to sort him out.
(Buzzer)
- How about Ritalin?
- Yeah. A couple of bottles should do it.
Still, it's a blow to the genes theory.
Josh Atkinson's mother can write.
She probably got her parole officer
to write it.
You know JP is a Pisces, don't you?
You're a Taurus. A Taurus and a Pisces
make the perfect parents.
And JP's gay, too.
Gay men make the best dads
but they can't have kids of their own.
Not even if one's a Taurus
and the other one's a Libra?
Plus, JP's a really nice guy,
which may make the baby less sarcastic.
All right, Claire Short
and the Queen Mother.
Ah, now you're asking.
I've got an even better one.
Ian Paisley or Michael Jackson?
- Well?
- Well?
- We're blokes. We wouldn't
- (Simon) Eugh.
I just closed my eyes
and saw Ian Paisley and Claire Short
shagging in the House of Commons.
Oh, Jesus.
I got Bob and Liz in the toilets.
- Oh, please.
- Imagine if they had a kid.
- It'd want to be breastfed by Penny.
- Can you breastfeed with false tits?
It just tastes like UHT.
It'd be too busy winding
people up to eat.
Did anyone invite Penny to the pub?
- Thank fuck for that.
- I've got an even worse one.
Imagine Kurt and Carol having a kid?
Had anyone ever seen Eraserhead?
I need a drink.
Anyone else want one?
- Oh!
- I'll go halves with you.
- I had a dream about you last night.
- Really?
- Sure it wasn't a nightmare?
- My baby looked like you.
(JP) It was a nightmare!
Really?
- So what did she say to you?
- What?
- Susan, when you offered to
- Oh.
Er not if I was the last man on earth.
- What did she say to you?
- Not in a million years.
What? You think
she's just stalling for time?
You're so deluded!
With "not if you were
the last man on earth"
there's a chance
of sex on another planet.
(The Daisycutters: Kiss Me Stupid)
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Get a move on!
I don't believe it.
Really Fuck!
Get in!
(Siren)
Hey!
Listen, I've been thinking
about your dream.
- Yes?
- If you want to, I'll do it.
You know, I'll be the father of your child.
Having a kid might help me
get things in perspective
and if, when I do that,
I find I don't want one,
then I've done you a favour anyhow.
Well, today's the day.
Paul Newman Junior day.
This is the morning when the bloke
who is going to shag you
and father your child
is arriving at the school.
(Clapping)
Morning, everyone.
Just a couple of things this morning.
Firstly, I'd like to remind you all
that trees on the school grounds
are out of bounds.
The school insurance policy
only covers injuries to children
caused by trees falling on top of them.
Secondly, I'd like
to take this opportunity
to introduce you to
our new lab technician, Errol Smith.
(Polite applause)
- You knew, didn't you?
- I know everything, me.
The look of love
Is in your eyes
The look
Your heart can't disguise ♪
(Jenny) Maybe if he took
his glasses off he'd be beautiful.
(Susan) Looks like doctor's orders.
He needs them to keep his eyes in.
(Brian) How can a Paul Newman
lookalike have him as a son?
(JP) Are you sure it wasn't
Gary Numan he looked like?
(Jenny) Fuck. It goes to show,
you can't rely on genes.
Someone could be good-looking
and still have children that look like Kurt.
Someone could be intelligent
and have children like Brian.
- (Brian) What?
- (JP) She's got a point.
There are so many ginger people
and ginger people never get laid.
(Kurt) Someone who's a nun
could still have kids
who are nymphomaniacs.
- So it's just luck?
- To start off with.
But how someone is brought up
is the important thing.
Even if they're ginger.
What is it with you and ginger people?
I used to share a bathroom with one.
They moult.
(Bell)
So what do you think about my offer?
I didn't want to say any more
in front of anyone.
What makes you think I would want you
to be the father of any kid of mine?
Well, your dream.
I dreamt I had a baby
that looked exactly like you.
So that means
you want to have my baby.
Or maybe, just maybe,
it means I think of you as a big baby.
Oh. So I'll take that as a no, then.
Take that as a never.
It wouldn't work out
if the father was from the school.
If we were friends
it'd mess the friendship up
and if we weren't then I'd have to try
and be friends with them,
so why weren't they my friends
in the first place?
Anyhow, it doesn't matter
who the father is.
The important thing
is how the baby's brought up.
How it's nurtured.
And that would all be down to me.
A few of you might have got hold
of the wrong end of the stick
after the other day's lesson.
Sheep don't really fall in love.
No. Normally with sheep,
one ram is used
to inseminate hundreds of ewes.
There's no time to develop
any kind of relationship.
He just gets in there and goes for it.
Josh, can I have a quick word?
I'm already booked up
for detentions this term.
I'm not going to give you a detention.
(Bob) Miss Neville. Miss Neville!
Can we have a word in private?
Penny!
- Bob, hi!
- I can't read these.
I'm sorry, would you like me
to enlarge them to A3 for you?
No, they're too faint. Look at them.
If you can't read them
I'll photocopy them again for you.
Carol?
Josh, I really want to try and help you
but you seem to have
some sort of problem with me.
Is everything all right at home?
Well, the TV's on the blink.
I meant more are you having
problems with your parents?
No. My mum's an alcoholic
and my dad's in prison.
I hardly ever see either of them,
which is fine by me.
I'm sorry. That must make
your home life very difficult.
Yeah. It is difficult.
But it's better than school.
Have you been encouraging casual sex?
What? No!
What's this, "Wham, bam,
thank you, ram" supposed to mean?
Keep your sordid stories
of animal orgies to yourself.
A nun couldn't really have children
who were nymphomaniacs.
What?
Well, nuns don't have sex
so they can't have children.
And if a nun did have sex,
well, as nuns never have sex,
she'd be a nymphomaniac anyhow
in nun terms
so it'd be what you'd expect.
Sometimes I really wish I smoked.
Why?
Then I could have a cigarette.
Liz is really winding me up.
Kayla's bad enough,
but the two of them
If you were brought up by Liz
you'd have to be a wind-up merchant
just to survive.
It's a craft. Been passed on
from generation to generation.
So you go along with
this upbringing thing?
Don't tell me.
You were brought up
by the authors of the Kamasutra.
What?
If it's all in the upbringing,
it doesn't matter who the father is.
Could be anyone.
(Simon) OK, Clare.
I wouldn't like to have been
brought up by her.
She probably files her kids away at night.
I wonder if she's got a come-in buzzer
outside her loo?
I wonder if she's got one
on her knickers?
- What if Bob was your dad?
- That's not funny.
Bob's got children.
Oh, no, not again.
She said it was how the kid
was brought up that was important.
- You did say that.
- I also said
I was never ever going to sleep
with anyone here about a million times.
Well, anyhow,
I'm not sure I agree
with this upbringing thing.
How do you know rat boy
isn't horrible as well as ugly?
(Susan) I haven't spoken to him yet.
But his father is nice so I assume
he brought him up to be nice.
- I don't like the look of him.
- That's my point.
- You can't judge by appearances.
- We've got nothing else to go on.
If he's so great,
why don't you go and talk to him?
OK. I will.
- Maybe later.
- That might be too late.
Carol might have eaten him by then.
I was wondering if you could do these
again for me, please?
Erm
- What?
- Ahem
- (Quietly) This afternoon.
- You'll have to speak up.
(Squeakily)
She's really busy this afternoon.
So what did she say to you?
"Fuck off and die."
"I'd rather have my eyes
eaten out by rats."
Penny thinks you and I
should have a baby together.
Don't worry. That wasn't a proposition.
Although our star signs
are ideally suited and you are gay
and gay men apparently can't have
children on their own.
Why do people assume
that gay people love children?
You might have become gay
because you hated children
and wouldn't want any.
Wow. There goes Freudian analysis.
I like children.
Of course What the fuck?
You little shit.
You were saying about liking children?
Well
Should feel sorry for him.
He doesn't have much of a life.
His mum's a drunk
and his dad's in prison.
With his upbringing
we might all turn out to be little shits.
Think she's made a mistake?
She's blind as a bat.
Maybe she thinks it's Penny with piles.
No way. She relies almost
entirely on her sense of smell.
Imprinting is supposed to be for life
unless the object
of your affection rejects you.
Penny hates photocopying
too much for that.
- It's a miracle.
- (Screaming)
Baa.
- Did you hear that?
- What?
She baa-ed at me.
Maybe it's time you gave sheep farming
in New Zealand a rest.
There he is. Now's your chance
to make up for his upbringing.
Josh? Josh. I meant what I said.
If you want to talk to someone
you can always talk to me.
Or if you'd prefer to talk to a man
Mr Keating would be willing
to help you with any problems.
You don't want to end up like
your father. Or your mother.
Put your bike in the back
please, Josh. Josh!
Who are you?
I'm Susan Gately, Josh's form tutor.
Who are you?
I'm Anna. Josh's mother.
Oh, dear. What's he been telling you?
Nothing. It's just I was
surprised to see you driving,
- what with Josh cycling.
- Have you seen him cycle?
I told him he can't. He'll kill himself.
Got on his bike before I could stop him.
- Has he been behaving himself?
- Well
I knew I should have come in
instead of just writing.
If it's any consolation,
I have no control over him either.
Would you like a cup of tea?
No, thanks. I can't stay.
Perhaps something a little stronger?
What? No, thank you.
- What about his father?
- What about him?
What does he think about all this?
Does he have any influence on Josh?
He doesn't have a father.
Well, he's not an immaculate conception
but I wanted to have a child on my own.
His father's a teacher,
which might be part of the problem.
I must get back
before he trashes the house.
- Can I come in and see you?
- Sure.
Don't worry.
I'm not saying any of this is your fault.
Josh is just how he is.
I'm sure he'll grow out of it one day.
If he doesn't, well,
there's always death to look forward to.
Oh, my God.
She looks like me, she talks like me
(JP) At least she hasn't got
your drink problem.
I am Josh's mother.
OK, "Fuck off and die"
or "I'd rather have my eyes
eaten out by rats."
- What happened?
- She's found out she's Josh's mother.
(Sighs)
It was like seeing myself
with a really bad hangover.
If I have a kid it will be exactly like Josh.
Not if you brought him up.
You could teach him
how to take the piss out of me.
Everyone takes the piss out of you.
That's human.
No, it doesn't matter
how the fuck you bring them up.
It's just a giant game
of pin the tail on the donkey.
Oh, well. It was a nice idea while it lasted
but it's the right decision.
- Let me buy you a drink.
- I haven't changed my mind.
I'm pretty good at
pin the tail on the donkey.
(The Daisycutters:
Between The Buildings)
We live between the buildings,
my girl and me
Perpetual state of urgency
We'll see a film tonight then we'll rest
Then get another packet of cigarettes
I'll meet you in there, then I'll find
A written invitation that's got no style
I like to see you not doing much
Out of luck, not out of touch ♪
- Did Simon phone in sick?
- No, of course not.
Well, do you know where he is?
I know he's not in here.
- Have you seen Simon?
- No.
If I have to fill in for him again
- Have you seen Simon?
- Uh, no.
How are you feeling today?
Listen. I am never ever, ever,
ever, ever going to sleep with you.
OK?
And that goes for you, too.
Hello, Josh. It was interesting
meeting your mother yesterday.
Don't let her fool you.
She's not drunk all the time.
- She goes on benders.
- Who can blame her?
Did she tell you that crap
about my dad being a teacher?
No. But we're meeting up next week.
- What will you say to her?
- I don't know yet.
I was thinking of asking her
whether your aggressive attitude
is due to your insecurities
about your masculinity.
But I'm sure I'll think of something.
And if I don't
I'll make something up.
Shouldn't you be in class?
If you're still in your own half,
you can't be offside.
- Any questions?
- Yes, sir.
Ashleigh wants to know
what the facts of life are.
You know what? I'm not sure.
Sounds like you know, though.
Maybe you could let the rest of us in
on the secret.
(Class sniggering)
- Have you seen Simon?
- No, I fucking haven't.
- If you find him before I do
- Shit. Where the fuck is he, then?
Miss Gately, I've been having trouble
with our assignment.
Look at Skodak and Skeel's studies.
Are you sure?
I thought they'd been discredited.
- They haven't.
- My textbook says
For God's sake, do you have to question
everything I say?
Shit. Katherine,
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to
I've just got a lot on my mind.
- It's all right.
- No, it's not.
- I shouldn't have
- Don't worry about it.
I've just shouted at Katherine.
Good on you.
She's got too much respect for authority.
The speed she can shoot
her right arm into the air
has a touch of the Third Reich.
If I can't keep my temper
with the most mild-mannered girl here,
what kind of parent will I make?
What kind of teacher you are
has nothing to do with that.
Look at Kurt. He's a good teacher.
Statistically, people are far happier
if they don't have kids.
You sound like Simon.
- Has anyone seen Simon this morning?
- What's the matter?
I saw a horrible bike accident
on the way in.
(Kurt) It can't have been Simon.
He cycles on the pavement
cos he's scared of the traffic.
He might have collided
with a tartan shopping bag on wheels.
Those old ladies
can cut you up sometimes.
If it was him,
you would have heard already.
He doesn't carry anything with him
that says he's a teacher.
- It'd affect his pulling power.
- I'll try his mobile again.
He doesn't know how it works yet.
Thinks it's a GameBoy that rings.
- That's so mean.
- Shouldn't you have a mobile?
Yeah, carry on.
- Are you waiting for the phone?
- Yes, I am.
- Great.
- Er
(Cries)
Oh, no.
You haven't nicked one, have you?
Where the hell have you been?
At the dentist.
It was an emergency.
- Bollocks it was.
- You're upsetting the baby!
I don't care.
You could have at least phoned in.
- I did. Well, I was going to.
- I've been worried sick.
What are you so worked up about?
It was me having the filling.
I just think you could have told me.
Why? What's got into you?
- Thanks, Miss.
- Next time it goes in the bin.
Are you sure
you should be having a baby?
- I'm not having a baby.
- What do you mean?
I thought about having a baby
and I've decided not to for now.
- Really? Why?
- I've never bungee jumped, for a start.
- What are you smiling at?
- Nothing.
Kayla's been straightening me out
about the facts of life.
What did you tell him?
Nothing. What you told me.
We'll talk about this at home.
- What was that all about?
- You're too young.
I'm going to the pub now,
if that's all right by you.
- Have you done your homework?
- Yes and I've been to the loo
so we won't need to stop
in a lay-by on the way there.
- Are you coming?
- If you twist my arm.
Wait for me. I don't want you
accepting drinks from strangers.
It's not just the bungee jumping, is it?
You should have been a psychiatrist.
- You can tell me.
- If I got so fucking worked up
worrying about a waste of space like you
just cos you were late,
imagine how I'd be waiting
for someone I cared about.
- Stop it!
- Give 'em here!
Besides, I think I've got enough
children to worry about as it is.
We're still waiting.
For your answer.
Me, Simon or Brian?
None of you.
But the human race depends on it.
We're the last men on earth.
- Mankind's doomed anyhow, then.
- The apes will take over.
(Susan) You'll argue yourself
out of a shag.
Oh, shit. Nine o'clock.
To his left. Rat boy and Carol.
They've been here all night.
Poor bastard.
You know about spiders?
I hope they're gonna be careful.
Talking of which Me, Kurt or Brian?
I've gone off the idea of having kids.
What? Since when?
- Why?
- Why do you think?
Can't drink and smoke
when you're pregnant.
Besides, I might move in
next to a nuclear power station.
Property prices are really cheap.
Come on,
you've got to choose one of us.
- Or what?
- Or we'll take it in turns.
The human race
has to survive somehow.
You know, I had a dream
about you three.
- Did it involve sex?
- In a way.
- What were you doing?
- I wasn't in it.
It was just the three of you.
(Belle And Sebastian:
The Boy With The Arab Strap)