Teachers (2001) s02e10 Episode Script

(Susan) Shag, shag, shag. Can't we play
a game that's not about sex?
(Kurt) Like what?
(Susan) I don't know
- (Jenny) Top five Christmas films.
(Susan) Yes. Kurt.
(Kurt) Erm Number one, Great Escape.
(Jenny) Films about Christmas.
Oh, right. Number one,
Where Eagles Dare.
There's a lot of snow.
It's A Wonderful Life.
- What's that?
- It's the best Christmas film ever.
Never heard of it.
Number two, Godfather.
Brando gets shot on Christmas Eve.
- Three
- Let's play something else.
The new English teacher.
Fat, ugly lesbian
or thin, straight bloke with a beard?
Sorry - are we guessing
what the new English teacher looks like?
- No. Who would you rather have?
- You mean shag?
No, I mean as a colleague.
Who would you rather work with -
a fat, ugly lesbian
or a thin, straight bloke with a beard?
- He hasn't got a beard.
- It's a bloke?
- You've met him?
- Briefly. After his interview.
- What's he like?
- He's not Simon
- which is good.
- Is it?
Does he drink?
I'm not sure if he filled in that box
on his application.
- Does he smoke?
- Does he like girls?
Ask him yourself.
He's coming in tomorrow.
- What for?
- To take a look round the school.
- Meet the staff.
- You're not leaving.
No, I'm going to the bar for drinks but it's
cold up there so I thought I'd wrap up.
- Pint of lager, please.
- Mmm!
(Jenny) 41 hours, seven minutes
and 25 seconds till the end of term.
And only 24 hours till I have sex.
After the party,
I'll have sex with someone.
(Howling wind)
Everyone has sex after the party.
It's tradition. Like turkey and crackers
and The Great Escape.
I've never had sex
after a Christmas party.
Maybe you'll get lucky this year.
The lucky people will be all the ones
who don't have sex with you,
which includes me,
Jenny and, I imagine, Brian.
What?
(The Primitives: Way Behind Me)
I don't remember what you said
I'm gonna leave the past behind me
All those lies inside your head
Took my hand and led me blindly
I'm gonna try my best move
I'm gonna leave you way behind me
I'm gonna try my best move ♪
- So what do you think?
- About what?
- What I've done to the place.
- Wasn't it like this before?
It took me hours.
But why?
It's Christmas!
(With radio) So here it is,
merry Christmas
Everybody's having fun
Look to the future now
It's only just begun
Are you waiting for the family to arrive?
Are you sure you've got
the room to spare inside?
Does your granny always tell you
That the old songs are the best?
Then she's up
and rock and rolling with the rest
So here ♪
- But he stinks.
- He doesn't.
Have you ever stood really close to him?
Near enough to get your hands
round his neck
and squeeze the life out of the fucker?
No. Why are you
so anti-Rat Boy, anyway?
Cos he reeks of sulphur
and bromide and dog shit.
- So?
- So he's a smelly twat.
- You want Carol back.
- Fuck off.
- You do.
- Fuck off.
What's this intellectual discussion?
- Kurt still fancies Carol.
- Fuck off!
- You do.
- Fuck off.
(Clare) Good morning, everyone.
Just to let you know
that Mr Casey's replacement
is arriving at lunch time to look around.
He's called Matthew Harvey.
Please make him feel welcome.
It might be nice
if he came to the Christmas party.
He can see us off-duty as well as on.
Let's hope he doesn't
change his mind about the job.
Thank you.
- Shit.
- What's wrong?
This new bloke might get off with
the woman I'm supposed to have.
- That would be?
- Carol.
- Fuck off.
- You love her.
- Fuck off.
- This is where we came in.
- You do.
- Fuck off.
Fuck, not again. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Lunch is served from 12:30 to 1:15.
- I think today's menu is, er
- Turkey.
They're giving us turkey
every day of the week
in case we don't get enough
over Christmas.
Don't be put off
by Miss Gately's cynical outlook.
Not everyone's as lacking in enthusiasm.
More fucking turkey?
Er great.
This is Matthew,
our new English teacher.
- Hi.
- Hi.
It's Matt, not Matthew.
I was hoping someone would show Matt
around the school.
- Perhaps Miss Neville could help out.
- Sorry?
Since you'll be handing classes over
to Matt, you can show him the ropes.
Can I get some lunch first?
- It's turkey.
- Let's go.
(The Electric Soft Parade:
There's A Silence)
I only ask myself, "Why is it there?"
And there's a silence
when you walk into the room
And I don't feel I'm in control
Oh no ♪
(Whistle)
When he's not pretending to be
a footballer he teaches geography.
(Students laughing)
What do you think you're doing,
you dopey twat?
Brian is living proof
that PE teachers are the missing link.
I taught a bit of PE at my last school.
- Coached a year 11 football team.
- Right.
So how were the English GCSE results?
- When?
- Last year.
- Wouldn't know.
- Didn't you have an Ofsted inspection?
- Did we?
- Mm. How did it go?
Don't ask me.
Are you sure you actually teach here?
- What are those?
- What?
- Those. Earrings.
- You're asking what these earrings are?
They're earrings.
(Giggling)
They're not allowed. Not in year 7.
- Who says?
- It's a school rule.
I've only just had my ears pierced.
I have to wear them.
I've seen you with earrings before.
Smaller ones but still rings in your ears.
You'd have told me to take them out
if you'd seen them before.
- I suppose so.
- Well, there you go.
But I'm telling you
to take them out now.
They'll go septic.
- Will they?
- If that's what you want
- Hang on
- I expect I'll have to take antibiotics.
Don't take them out, then.
Put them back in.
No, I'll do what you tell me.
But watch out for my mum.
I'm not worried about your mum.
Shouldn't you
be doing something, Errol?
No.
Liz, I need to speak to you.
Did someone turn this
into a common room without telling me?
(Muttering) He's just going.
- What?
- She said I'm just going.
- And are you?
- Yeah.
See you later, then.
Apart from fetching a bucket in which
to be sick, what can we do for you?
Actually, it was Liz I wanted a word with.
(Liz) Yes?
It'll keep. Sorry.
Is there a point
in asking what that was about?
- I could make something up.
- Please don't bother.
"Honour has come back
as a king to earth
"and paid his subjects
with a royal wage,
"and nobleness walks in our ways again
"and we have come into our heritage."
- Yes, Katherine.
- That last word, "heritage".
- Is that a link to the theme?
- In what way?
- Well, payment and reward.
- Right.
Is "heritage" a reference
back to the rich dead?
- Rich what?
- Dead.
(Boy) The soldiers he saw dying
weren't literally rich.
Some of them. Possibly.
Is Brooke being metaphorical or literal?
Maybe Brooke is saying something
about the dead becoming rich
because of the way
they were allowed to die.
You don't mind if I jump in, do you?
No. Feel free.
- Liz.
- Brian.
- What do you want?
- I want you
Can we go somewhere more private?
I don't want you to hear this
from anyone else but
Still here, Mr Steadman?
Er just going.
We need to talk.
I think we better.
(Jenny) How is this going
to be a party venue?
- Give it time.
- I could give it a year.
It'd still look like a school hall with tinsel.
- Can anyone give me a hand?
- What's he doing?
He's in charge of decorations.
- But he never volunteers.
- He loves Christmas.
- "It's fuckin' magic."
- (JP) Grab this ladder.
I haven't seen him this excited
since ever.
- Anyone?
- Who wants a bevvy?
Good idea. Sooner we get pissed, sooner
we can start shagging someone.
I can't wait to see who it's going to be.
But we'll only have Kurt's word for it
if anything does happen.
- I'll take photos if you like.
- A very good idea.
Women love being photographed
while having sex with a pervert.
- There will be someone.
- Not if Matt gets off with whoever she is.
- The woman who doesn't exist.
- Why would she want Matt?
- (Jenny) So many reasons.
- He's not good-looking, is he?
- Yes.
- Do you fancy him?
- Do you?
- Even if I did,
I wouldn't shag the new teacher
on his first day at school.
- Why not?
- You'd shag a new teacher?
- Yeah.
- Even though he's a bloke?
(Brian) Kurt's not that fussy.
(Jenny) Maybe Matt is.
- He looks like he's got standards.
- (Kurt) Matt wouldn't shag me?
- (Susan) Do you want him to?
- Yes. Er no.
- Pub?
- Oh, yes.
The French Connection. Gene Hackman
wears a Santa Claus suit at the start.
Number four, Die Hard.
Bruce Willis is trying to spend Christmas
with his wife.
Number five, Die Hard 2.
He's trying to spend another Christmas
with his wife.
You all know Matt.
- There you go, mate.
- Cheers.
- Anyone fancy a drink?
- I'm OK.
- I'll have the usual.
- What's that?
- A pint of lager.
- Matt?
No, if I start drinking now
I'll end up pissed.
Yeah
I don't want to make a bad impression
before I've started.
No one will remember what you do.
You could have sex with Kurt
on the dance floor
and we'd all forget by the morning.
- Not sure I would.
- Did you want a drink or not?
Go on, then.
I'll have a pint, please. Lager.
- Good man.
- Get us some crisps, too.
- Cheese and onion.
- And smoky bacon.
- I might need a hand.
- You'll be OK.
So, Matt, would you like a cigarette?
- Oh, cheers.
- Another smoker.
Excellent.
(Jimmy Eats World: A Praise Chorus)
- Thank you.
- I'm sure it'll get going in a minute.
Cheers.
Maybe we should make a move?
- Do you want to go to this party?
- Sorry?
Maybe we should go to the party now.
- Don't be stupid.
- Too early.
Matt. The weirdest place
you've ever had a shag.
Weirdest place would be
- In the staff toilets.
- Where, here?
Yeah. I had a quickie
with Clare after lunch.
No!
- No.
- At your last school?
I was joking.
- Who'd shag in a toilet?
- He dreams about it.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
Well, not for a while now.
You have to understand, Matt,
that Kurt is a very strange little man.
But don't let one small perv
put you off the rest of us.
I'll try not to.
- It's my round.
- But JP said 7:30.
- I'll have a pint.
- I'll have a Scotch and ginger.
I'll give you a hand.
(Susan) Your go.
(Brian) My go.
(Tight Fit: The Lion Sleeps Tonight)
In the jungle, the mighty jungle ♪
Hello. I don't think we've met, have we?
No. Are you Bob's wife?
Yvonne. And you are?
- I'm JP.
- JP JP
Oh. I've heard about you.
(Susan) Anyone off their face yet?
- It's too early.
- We should've stayed for another round.
- Bob's brought his wife.
- (Brian) Fuck. Keep her away from me.
Last time she tried
to stick her tongue down my throat.
- Nice image.
- Maybe that's your shag.
(Kurt) I'd rather top myself.
She's coming.
- You could always shag Jenny.
- Nah, she wouldn't let me.
- Would she?
- Of course she wouldn't!
(Bob) Don't let the bastards fool you.
I made the mistake of thinking
one or two were my friends
but they'll stab you in the back,
first opportunity.
- Really?
- Do you think I'm joking?
- No, I'm sure.
- I can give you examples.
- Do you want examples?
- No.
October 5, 1997.
Who, then? Who can I shag?
Why ask? It's obvious who you want.
Don't start about Carol again.
Beggars can't be choosers.
- I'm not that desperate.
- Yes, you are.
Do you want to have that word now?
- Sorry?
- You've been after me all day.
- I think I've worked out why.
- Have you?
- What are you doing?
- I'm waiting for you.
Can't you wait for me outside?
Not until you answer
one simple question.
Are you trying to get off with me?
Fuck, no!
I mean no, thank you.
- Were you gonna let me?
- I was thinking about it.
- I've had a lot to drink.
- I'm flattered, obviously,
- but I'd rather not.
- Why have you been after me?
Hasn't Kayla said anything?
- About what?
- Oh, shit.
Listen, Kayla's great,
don't get me wrong.
She's a smashing kid
but she's a bit rude sometimes.
- Rude? How?
- Like she thinks I'm a tosser.
Has she ever said
she thinks I'm a tosser?
- Not in so many words.
- I don't want blind obedience.
I just think I deserve
a bit of respect. Don't you?
No.
(S Russell: Touch The Sky)
23 years without
any kind of sexual activity.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Can you imagine the frustration?
I'm trying not to.
It's hot in here. Think someone could
open a window or a door?
Where is the nearest door,
out of interest?
- Should we break it up?
- Maybe.
- He's quite nice.
- You're not thinking of
Oh, please.
But it's the end of term,
I've had a bottle of wine, so
- So you'd like a shag.
- Wouldn't you?
It's the end of term,
I've had a bottle of wine
- She's found fresh meat. Look.
- Poor sod. We should do something.
Nah. Let's see how he copes.
What are they doing?
- Bailing him out.
- Why?
- Maybe they like him.
- You mean fancy him.
Oh, he's good-looking, isn't he?
Susan said.
You don't think he's good-looking?
How would I know? Blokes can't tell
if other blokes are good-looking.
- Bollocks.
- It's true.
You can't see that I'm good-looking?
I'm saying I wouldn't be able to tell
if women found you attractive or not
if I didn't know for a fact they don't.
(Brian) Phwoarr!
- What did you say?
- Just slipped out.
- About Carol?
- I didn't notice it was Carol.
I just saw her tits
and thought they looked nice.
Oh, they were.
They are.
(Yvonne) What does he think
he looks like?
At least he's not wearing leather.
I shouldn't say this but
I sometimes wonder
if I couldn't have done a little better.
- Surely not.
- (Coughs)
There have been days
I've thought of leaving.
If you walked out on Bob
there'd be a queue of women
waiting to take your place.
What?
Half the heads of department
fancy your husband.
You can see the head teacher's having
trouble keeping her hands to herself.
I had no idea!
Here.
Hang on!
(Bob breathing heavily)
Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
(Soft Cell: Tainted Love)
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could ♪
(Schmaltzy piano music)
(R Carter/C Brown: Obvious)
- Forget Carol.
- I can't.
She took her glasses off.
Why did she have to take them off?
You've never seen her
without her specs?
Course I have.
It's just I forgot what she looked like.
She's not gonna shag you.
- But I'll tell you who might.
- Who?
Liz.
- Liz?
- She's gagging for it.
I was first choice
but she might make do with you.
Fuck off.
It's the best chance you've got.
I think I might
- want someone else.
- Oh, let me guess.
Short, a bit squiffy-eyed,
humpy.
Nice tits, though.
How's it going?
I can't remember the last time
I had so much fun.
Is that cos you've got a bad memory?
No.
Is it because you've
never had so much fun?
Please don't feel you have to talk to me.
No one else does.
Why is that?
It's a long story.
Go on, then.
(Dirty Vegas: Alive)
Through these eyes I see
There's a place for me
And life is full of questions
that keep me alive ♪
Can I have a word?
In private.
A certain kind of thrill
And I'm flying in all directions ♪
Course, there's always Brian.
Once is enough with Brian.
- Twice might give him ideas.
- Like what?
Like I want him to be my boyfriend.
- Was he any good?
- Not bad.
Maybe you should give him a go.
He'd be thrilled.
- Me and Brian?
- Why not?
He's enthusiastic, full of energy,
not without imagination
and he'd be very, very grateful.
(ABC: Look Of Love)
I can't believe I'm going to ask you this,
I'll regret it for the rest of my life, but
would you like to sleep with me?
I don't know the answer
to that question ♪
- Is this a wind-up?
- No.
It's the act of a sexually frustrated,
drunk woman.
Shag? Yes or no.
Yes.
Please.
Thank you.
(Susan) I'll just get another drink.
Maybe quite a few.
(Alarm beeps)
- (Glass shatters)
- Whoops.
(Penny moans)
Oh. Yeah.
- Are you coming in today?
- Just till lunch time.
About last night. I don't normally do that.
Which part do you not normally do?
All of it.
I don't normally jump into bed with a girl
the day I meet her.
I'm glad to hear it.
Do me a favour.
At school, keep your mouth shut.
You've seen what people think of me.
If they think I'm this easy,
their opinions wouldn't improve.
You're probably right.
I wouldn't look too good either, would I?
Turn up, say hello,
start shagging. Bit sleazy.
Very.
(Fonda 500: Betamax)
- No!
- (Woman) What's wrong?
- Were you having a nightmare?
- Hope I still am.
You were right. Energetic, enthusiastic,
very eager to please.
He let himself down on duration
but the second time was better.
Did he do that thing with his nose?
- What thing?
- Obviously not, then.
- Are we nearly there yet?
- No. Go to sleep.
I'll have orange juice, cereal and coffee.
There's no time.
No orgasm, no breakfast
Is this how you treat all your girlfriends?
You're not my
What do you mean no orgasm?
I heard you groaning.
With disappointment.
- Disappointment?
- Kurt, can I be honest?
- Can I stop you?
- Last night. It wasn't
- You weren't very good.
- I tried my best.
- That was your best? The first time
- That was an accident.
But after that couldn't you
try something interesting?
- Like what?
- Like foreplay for a start!
- There was foreplay!
- Groping me in the taxi?
- And on the stairs!
- Will you keep it down?
- I thought you'd gone.
- I can't make it in today.
You didn't hear what
she just said about the sex?
Yeah.
- Could you keep it to yourself?
- Yeah.
And you won't tell anyone. Will you?
As if I would.
You're a bum, you're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead
on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot,
you cheap, lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last ♪
Good morning! How are you?
Still singing Galway Bay
And the bells are ringing out
for Christmas Day ♪
Good morning!
Six hours, 27 minutes and 30 seconds
till the end of term.
What?
You don't fancy
doing that again, do you?
- You said he wouldn't ask.
- Brian, behave yourself.
What's wrong with asking?
Had a good time, didn't we?
I'd have to be very desperate and drunk
to have sex with you again.
So how about tonight, then?
Here. Cover plans for the lightweights
who couldn't drag
themselves in this morning.
Morning, everyone.
Mr Harvey. How are you today?
Great, thanks. Morning, all.
- What happened to you?
- Nothing. Why?
- Didn't see you leave.
- I disguised myself
as the Camp Commandant
and walked past the guards.
- Did I miss anything?
- You didn't miss a thing.
- How was your hotel?
- Fine.
- Anyone seen Bob?
- Yes. Over there.
- What's wrong with JP?
- A pretend migraine.
I gave him aspirins,
told him to be here by dinner.
When did you see JP?
This morning at your place.
I slept with Kurt last night.
He was terrible.
- How was Brian?
- Not bad. You slept with Kurt?
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
But he's got a very small penis.
Do you mean small
in proportion to the rest of him
or small compared to the average size?
I just mean small. Very small.
Morning.
- Are my flies open?
- No.
We were looking at you because Liz
says you have a very small penis.
(Bell)
Don't push. Keep the noise down.
That includes you, Kayla.
I am sick and tired of your attitude.
Your lack of respect.
It's got to stop, hasn't it?
I said, hasn't it?
Are you crying?
Come on.
- What have you done to her?
- I made her cry.
I made her cry.
- Result!
- It's terrible!
- It's what you wanted.
- No. I thought it was.
I feel like a bully.
- Did you find Errol?
- No.
- What's wrong? Hangover?
- Too much Liebfraumilch.
Did something happen
with Kurt last night?
- What do you mean?
- He wouldn't shut up
about you and your glasses.
He kept on and on
about you taking them off.
- When?
- Last night. After the party.
I went back to his place.
We slept together.
You don't have a problem with that?
No.
You're over Kurt, aren't you?
Anyway, you're better off with someone
whose willy you can actually see
with the naked eye.
I take it you did have sex with Kurt?
- So what do I do?
- Hide.
- Hide.
- You can't hide from Liz.
You can run but she'll hunt you down
and kill you like a dog.
(Bob) ..to be marked by the end
of the week preceding half term,
draft lesson plans every Friday afternoon
incorporating my notes
by the following Monday, OK?
- Fantastic.
- Excellent.
I'm just going to pop home
and shag my wife.
(Bob) See you next term.
- Bye.
- (Susan) Hello.
Have you heard about Brian?
He made a year 7 cry.
- (Jenny) A girl.
- I was trying to keep it quiet!
- What are we talking about?
- Nothing.
Right. I'm off now.
- You're not staying for lunch?
- Turkey? No, don't think so.
Who fancies a pint or three?
Or five. It's the last day of term. Fuck it.
Forgive me for butting in, Mr McKenna.
Matthew. The local rag.
Property pages at the back.
If your wife would like advice
on which areas to look at
- I'll tell her to call you.
- You're married?! Fuck!
You kept that quiet.
I had you down as one of us.
- Fucking hell.
- Have you got any kids?
Yeah, two.
- (Brian) Fucking hell!
- How lovely.
But when you come down the pub,
- you're not bringing them?
- Course not.
- You can bring the wife though.
- Only if she's fit.
- (Brian) Is she?
- Is she what?
- Fit.
- (Susan) He must think so.
(Jenny) Since she's unavailable,
it doesn't matter.
- (Brian) Who says?
- She's married.
(Kurt) Yeah, but is she fit?
- I'll catch you up.
- Where are you going?
I should say thanks to Penny
for showing me around.
- Don't ask her to the pub.
- God, no.
- She's got a face like a slapped arse.
- Don't even mention the pub.
- She'll turn up uninvited as usual.
- Seems you don't like her much.
- Really?
- I thought she was OK.
You're wrong. See you later.
I guess I owe you an apology.
I was going to tell you.
It just wasn't the right time.
You thought you'd wait
till after you shagged me.
- We were shagging each other.
- What's the difference?
What happened wasn't entirely my fault.
You don't think your wife
might blame you a bit?
- My wife won't find out.
- If you'd told me the truth
I could have made up my own mind
whether to sleep with you.
And would you have done?
- No.
- I don't believe you.
I thought we'd be friends.
Oh, grow up, for fuck's sake.
You're not a teenager. Neither am I.
We're a couple of adults who had sex
- when maybe we shouldn't.
- Maybe?
I'm going to the pub. See you next year.
Two hours, 23 minutes and 10 seconds.
Wouldn't you rather be down the pub?
- With Kurt and your boyfriend?
- Don't call him that!
- You love Brian, don't you?
- Fuck off.
- You want to marry him.
- Fuck off.
You want to have his babies
and grow old together in a bungalow.
- Fuck off.
- You do.
- (Matt) Same again?
- What's the hurry?
I said I'd be home for the kids' bedtime.
- Does it matter if you're not?
- No, but I like to be there.
- So just one more pint?
- Yeah.
Ah, fuck it. I'll say the train broke down
at Bracknell.
Your train goes nowhere near Bracknell.
I caught the wrong train. Even better.
Just popped home for half an hour.
I suggested oral sex.
I just mentioned it, you know, in passing.
Next thing I know, she's heading south.
This is after we've done it
doggie fashion on the landing.
I don't know what's got into her.
Apart from me.
Three times last night,
twice this lunch time.
No, all I'm saying is
she can do better for herself.
I could be head of IT in a few years.
What's Rat Boy ever gonna be?
Head of test tubes
with special responsibility
for Bunsen burners?
Tears were dripping down
her little cheeks.
It was like I'd molested her.
I felt like a paedophile.
I'm a fucking nonce!
Right, that's me. I'm off.
- Merry Christmas.
- Bye.
See you next term.
Shit, we're gonna be late.
Fuck it. I don't care.
Let's spend the rest of the day here.
No. I've got to see Kayla.
I've got to say sorry for making her cry.
- OK. Then I'll go and see Carol.
- What for?
I'm gonna tell her she shouldn't
waste her life with Rat Boy.
Good idea.
(Glass smashing)
Can I speak to Kayla, please?
- Jesus, how much have you had?
- Couple of pints.
Is she here?
I just wanted to say how sorry I am
about what happened.
- Eugh, you stink!
- Shh!
- If Mrs Hunter smells your breath
- I'm trying to apologise.
I'm really, really sorry I made you cry.
- It doesn't matter.
- Yes, it does.
- I did a very bad thing and I'm sorry.
- Yeah, all right.
(Haven: Beautiful Thing)
What I said was
unprofessional and cruel.
Just forget it.
- You forgive me?
- Whatever.
- You're pissed, aren't you?
- I had a beer with Mr McKenna.
He needed cheering up.
Your mum said some very cruel things.
- About Mr McKenna?
- Yeah.
She said he wasn't very big.
I mean, not tall. Short.
He's a very short bloke.
That's what she said.
- And he got upset?
- Well, he's not normal, is he?
(Kurt) I know I could have
handled it better.
I should have talked to you,
returned your calls
not run away and hidden quite so much.
I'm not saying I want you back,
I just don't want
to see you throwing your life away.
You could do better.
Maybe not a lot
- but better than Rat Boy.
- What did you call me?
Rat Boy! It's just a nickname.
(Bell)
- So that's it.
- Hm.
I thought that's what you wanted,
the end of term.
Yeah, but it's only 349 hours
till we're back.
Liz! Hang about.
I can't spend the holiday worrying
about seeing you again.
What's to worry about?
I made Kayla cry.
You can't imagine how bad
I feel right now.
Whatever you call me,
I've been calling myself worse.
I don't know how it happened.
Well, I do, cos I was there.
But I didn't mean to push her too far
but I must have.
For fuck's sake, Brian, do be quiet.
I know what happened
with you and Kayla.
- You know?
- She lied about the earrings.
She had her ears pierced
in the summer.
She didn't really cry.
I paid her ten quid.
- Hey?
- I felt sorry for you.
She's tricky so I asked her
to pretend to be afraid of you.
Just once. Before the end of term.
Why?
Christmas present. From me to you.
But I haven't got you anything.
- That's OK.
- I could shag you.
No. Really.
- You were gonna let me.
- Before I slept with Kurt.
I don't want to risk
any more disappointments this week.
I wouldn't be a disappointment.
Ask Susan what she thought.
Brian, I don't want sex.
I just want a drink.
(Chatting and laughter)
(Susan) That's not really a bruise.
Just looks like you're wearing make-up.
- Ah!
- What happened?
If you'd turned up today you'd know.
He caught you copping off with Carol?
No.
- I called him Rat Boy.
- But that's his name.
No, Brian, his name is Errol.
- Is it?
- (Liz) Carol!
Come and join us.
Is Errol not with you?
I told him to fuck off.
So he did.
Would you like a drink?
Yes. The usual.
Pint of lager and a Baileys chaser?
Coming right up.
(Brian) If you're going, I'll have another.
- A large Scotch.
- Make it two.
I'll give you a hand.
You don't think
they'll start shagging again?
That would be tricky,
given they've never shagged before.
Carol told me. When they went out,
they didn't have sex.
Maybe they did but she didn't realise.
- You said his willy's very small.
- No
- They only kissed.
- On the lips?
- Yes.
- Tongues?
- Sometimes.
- Is she a virgin?
- No!
- Did she and Rat Boy?
- I couldn't bring myself to ask.
- No.
He always banging on
about how much he'd shagged her.
- Male bravado.
- Lying bastard.
- They're coming.
- Not a word.
- I promised I wouldn't tell.
- You just told us.
- In confidence!
- So, Carol
I hear Kurt never shagged you.
- For fuck's sake.
- Yes, I did!
Kurt, tell me the truth.
Did you really shag Carol?
I didn't exactly shag her
in the normal sense of the word.
Why not? What's wrong with you?
We thought we'd
you know
save ourselves.