Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987) s04e15 Episode Script
9061-016 - Raphael Knocks 'Em Dead
[THEME SONG.]
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Heroes in a half shell Turtle power They're the world's Most fearsome fighting team We're really hip.
They're heroes in the half shell And they're green Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Hey, get a grip! When the evil Shredder attacks These turtle boys don't cut him no slack Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Splinter taught them to be ninja teens He's a radical rat.
Leonardo leads Donatello does machines That's a fact, Jack.
Raphael is cool, but rude Gimme a break.
Michelangelo is a party dude Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Heroes in a half shell Turtle power How much longer is this gonna take, dude? I keep telling you, Michelangelo, you can't rush genius.
Especially such a humble one.
Just one final adjustment, and, voila, to choose from.
[RAPHAEL.]
Perfect picture, Donatello.
And just in time for my favorite program, Lifestyles of the Brilliant and Scholarly.
You gotta be kiddin'.
I'd rather watch a test pattern.
Get serious, dudes! The Banana Slug That Slimed Detroit is about to start! What? And miss the kickboxing tournament? Definitely.
My brain's dialed in for a truly bodacious flick.
Now, me? I'd rather have a few giggles.
I say we tune in to the Laugh Channel.
Guys, there's only one fair way to settle this.
We'll draw straws.
The short straw gets to watch his program.
Bummer.
All right! Here, Raphael.
Happy viewing.
Come on.
Aren't you guys gonna watch the Laugh Channel with me? They're doing a show from the House of Ha-Ha.
Are you kidding? I get my daily quota of bad jokes just hanging around you.
Anyone interested in some pizza? Totally triumphant suggestion, dude.
Sore losers! Now, to enjoy some heavy-duty yucks.
Speaking of girls, I once dated this girl who had a strange growth on her neck.
It was her head! It was her head! [LAUGHTER ON TV.]
That's not all.
She sprayed so much mousse in her hair, she grew antlers.
She grew antlers.
[LAUGHTER ON TV.]
Oh, man, I'd bet I could be a great stand-up comic, if I weren't so busy protecting the world from evildoers.
Speaking of my girlfriend, the other day she-- What the heck? [AUDIENCE BOOING ON TV.]
[CHUCKLES.]
That Joey, huh? Always leaves 'em wantin' more.
Well, that's weird.
No comic quits in the middle of a joke.
Not even a bad one.
[TRANSMITTER BEEPS.]
Raphael here.
Raphael, I got a report that something strange is going on at the House of Ha-Ha.
It seems that comedians are disappearing right in the middle of their act! I know, April.
I just saw it on the tube.
The club's just a few blocks from your lair.
Could you guys check it out for me? Well, I'm the only one here, but that's no problem.
If anyone can crash that club, it's yours truly.
[CROWD LAUGHING IN DISTANCE.]
That comedy club should be right around here someplace.
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
Aha! It's the Ha-Ha! [LOUNGE.]
What a sewer.
Then again, some of my best friends live in a sewer.
Hey, waiter! You in the green suit! Where's that pizza I ordered? Well, you said heavy on the anchovies.
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
I can watch what's going on from here without being seen.
Uh, you here for the tryouts? Uh, no, no, I'm one of the stage hands.
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
Oh, here's a man who looks like he's going places.
And the sooner the better.
[DRUM HIT.]
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
Lady, I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception.
[DRUM HIT.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, this guy is the pits.
Even I could do better than that.
Oh, when your parents had you, they sure hit the "jerkpot".
[SLIDE WHISTLE BLOWS, DRUM HIT.]
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
[MAN GRUNTS.]
[CROWD PROTESTING.]
[DRUMROLL.]
Okay, you're on next.
Now get out there quick! No way! It's one thing to die on stage.
It's another thing to disappear.
What am I gonna do now? This crowd is mean enough to riot, or worse yet, ask for their money back.
Oops.
Great! There's still one more comic left! All right, kid.
Now get out there and knock 'em dead.
Wait! I'm a turtle.
Now, that's okay.
Every comic's gotta have a gimmick.
But-- But-- I-- [COMIC FANFARE.]
Folks, our next performer is brand-new to the comedy game.
In fact, you might say he's totally green.
[DRUM HIT.]
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
All right, kid.
I warmed 'em up for you.
Now, break a leg! Whoa! Oh, boy.
Looks like I was saved by the shell.
[DRUM HIT.]
I, uh-- I just celebrated my birthday.
I was born under the sign of Aquarium.
[DRUM HIT.]
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHTER ON TV.]
He'll be sorry he didn't come with us, Raphael.
You missed some stupenduloso pizza, dude.
Where is Raphael anyway? [LAUGHTER.]
I don't know, but he forgot to turn off the TV set.
I'll have to talk to him about it when he gets back.
Hey, you know what has a hard shell, green skin and purple feet? A turtle who makes his own grape juice! [DRUM HIT.]
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
[LEONARDO.]
Raphael? Doing stand-up? At a comedy club? [ALL.]
I don't believe it! Okay, you know what you get when you cross a turtle with a gorilla? I don't know, either, but you better get out of its way! [DRUMROLL.]
[CHUCKLES.]
It's Raphael! And he's really good! Oh, he's good all right at making a total fool of himself.
Why, Vernon, I think you're jealous.
Jealous? Me? [SCOFFS.]
I can make people laugh, too, you know.
Whoa! [SCREAMS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
You certainly can, Vernon.
[LAUGHING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Bear with me, folks.
I've got a frog in my throat, and I'm afraid I might croak! [DRUM HIT.]
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
Please, Mr.
McFingers, you gotta stop making my comics disappear like that.
It's ruining my business.
Yeah? That's too bad.
Please, if you want comedians, why not just call their agents? Are you asking me or telling me? I'm, uh begging you? Well, here's my answer.
Get him! You sure, Pinky? Yeah, I'm sure.
You're the boss.
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
But I just wanna say-- Oh! What happened to Raphael? I don't know.
He was in the middle of a joke when, all of a sudden, the lights went out.
[CROWD PROTESTING.]
That's it for tonight, folks! I'm glad you enjoyed the show.
[CROWD.]
Hey! Boo! [TRANSMITTER BEEPS.]
Yes, April.
Donatello, I'm worried about Raphael.
He's at the House of Ha-Ha, and he might be in trouble.
We saw his act on TV, April.
It wasn't that bad.
You guys better get over there on the double! Fellas, let's haul shell.
Come on.
Come on, you guys.
What's taking so long? This guy's putting up quite a struggle for a comic.
[MCFINGERS.]
Okay, head for the hideout.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[DONATELLO.]
Leonardo, are you sure you know where you're going? [LEONARDO.]
Just follow me.
I know this sewer system like the back of my hand.
The House of Ha-Ha is definitely this way.
[GRUNTS.]
Or is it that way? I've got a feeling we're in deep muck.
[APRIL.]
Please, Chief, you've just gotta let me cover these mysterious disappearances at the House of Ha-Ha.
Ha-ha, forget it, April.
Nobody cares about a bunch of third-rate comedians.
I'm assigning you to a really big story: an infestation of gypsy moths at the botanical gardens.
They're really playing heck with the azalea bushes.
Gypsy moths? Azalea bushes? I'm talking about people.
And I'm talking about your job! The real reason she's so anxious to cover this story is because her weird Turtle friends are involved.
The Turtles? Ooh! I'm still paying off bills from the last story involving those green menaces! Now, you and Vernon get over to the gardens, and that's an order.
Whatever you say, Boss.
Better take this insect repellant.
You never know what trouble you might run into.
[VERNON.]
April, you're driving in the wrong direction! The botanical gardens are that way! I know, but we're going to the House of Ha-Ha.
But Burne distinctly ordered you to stay away from that place.
Vernon, you're really starting to bug me.
Now, you can cover the botanical garden story [TIRES SCREECHING.]
by yourself.
In my book, turtles are a lot more important than a bunch of moths.
[RAPHAEL.]
How'd I get into this fix? My routine couldn't have been that bad.
Those goons may have taken away my dignity, but they didn't take away my sai.
[MCFINGERS.]
Get the funny man out of the trunk.
Uh, right, Boss.
Uh, it's empty.
Just like your heads! Haven't you guys heard? Give a turtle enough rope, [BLOWS LANDING.]
and he'll tie you up.
Hey, what do you think you're doing? A good boss ought to be close to his men.
Now, to see what these bozos are up to.
So this is where you guys disappeared to.
Oh, great.
Fabulous.
We're being rescued here by the Jolly Green Turtle.
Never mind him.
Just get us outta here.
I heard of a captive audience, but never a captive performer.
That's pretty funny.
Consider it stolen.
[MCFINGERS.]
You, in the turtle suit! I'll teach you to tie me up.
You better just come along quietly.
Well, if it's all the same to you, I'd rather make a lot of noise.
Ha-ha! Woo-hoo! [RAPHAEL CACKLING.]
[CABLE SNAPPING.]
[SHOUTS.]
[MAN.]
I got you! For a guy who's supposed to be funny, you're in serious trouble.
Mr.
Bigelow? I'm April O'Neil from Channel Six News.
Beat it.
I don't need some nosey reporter snooping around here.
I want to talk to you about the comedians who've been disappearing.
Look, are you gonna walk out of here, or am I gonna throw you out? Don't be rude, dude.
That's no way to talk to a lady! You're the guy in the cheap turtle suit.
How'd you get away from Pinky McFingers and his goons? Cheap turtle suit? I resemble that remark.
Oh, now I get it.
You guys are an improv group.
Open auditions are on Wednesdays.
We're not here to audition.
We're here to find our friend.
And we've got a feeling you know something about how he disappeared.
Yeah, he did it like this.
[ELECTRONIC BEEPING.]
Now he's disappeared, too.
Mondo disaster, dudes! Now we'll never find out where Rafael is.
I don't know what you're up to, McFingers, but you won't get away with it.
You ought to be flattered.
You're gonna take part in a scientific experiment.
Ooh! Experiment? [RAPHAEL.]
Don't worry, Joey.
This guy doesn't look like a scientific genius to me.
I don't have to be.
I can buy brains.
Come on out, Professor.
[RAPHAEL.]
Baxter Stockman! What are you doing here? I am not Baxter! Baxter is my brother! I'm Barney Stockman! Barney! Well, that's incredible.
You look just like him.
I'm sick and tired of everyone telling me that.
I'm much better looking.
My brother botched an experiment and turned himself into a fly.
Tell me! Do I look like an insect to you? Do my eyes bug out? Can I walk on ceilings? I don't know.
I never seen your act.
Okay, Professor.
Cut the temper tantrum, and let's get on with it.
Uh, get on with what? Gentlemen! You are about to witness the effects of my latest invention, the gagamagnifier! Gagamagnifier? It increases the comedy power of jokes by 6,000 percent! Oh, I sure could have used this thing last night.
Yeah.
Where can I buy one? I'm hoping to have it in stores by Christmas.
Forget all that.
Tell them how it works.
We take a really funny comedian, hook him up to the gagamagnifier, and project his super-enhanced jokes throughout the city! Reducing the citizens to helpless hysteria! And while the poor jerks are rolling around on the ground laughing, me and the boys swipe whatever we want.
And now, to determine which of you three is the funniest.
I can't believe this is happening.
This is too bizarre even for a cartoon.
Aw, don't waste your time with a test.
Just hook me up.
You? You couldn't get a laugh out of a ticklish hyena.
Oh, yeah? Your jokes are so old they get on the bus for half fare.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen! We'll let the laugh meter decide who's the funniest.
Okay, you bozos, it's show time.
You, gagameister, make me laugh.
Okay, here it goes.
You know how to find a head on a worm? You tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
[ELECTRONIC WARBLING.]
That was a real groaner.
Okay, funny man, now it's your turn.
Wait'll you hear this one.
It'll kill ya.
I just met the meanest guy in the whole world.
He bought a homing pigeon, and then he moved! A giggle.
Close but no cigar.
Okay, Mr.
Greenjeans, your turn.
All right.
Here goes nothing.
And I do mean nothing.
You know the best place to raise turtles? In an elevator.
Bingo! We found our subject! Congratulations, kid.
You got the job.
Are you totally nuts? That's the worst joke I ever heard! I think you and your invention both have a couple of screws loose.
The machine works fine, and you're the one it picked.
Whoopee.
Lucky me.
Do you believe it? They actually picked that yo-yo in the turtle skin over me.
Or better yet, over me! I'm warning you, McFingers.
You can lead a turtle to a gagamagnifier, but you can't make him joke.
What exactly does that mean? It means I refuse to be part of your vicious scheme.
Oh, yeah? Professor? Show our little green friend what'll happen to his buddies if he don't cooperate.
With the greatest of pleasure.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
Okay.
Stop.
You win! I'll do it.
[MEN SCREAMING.]
[MACHINE POWERING DOWN.]
I knew you'd see it my way.
All right, young man.
It's show time.
You know what you get if you cross a turtle with a mousetrap? A snapping turtle.
You know why turtles can't become electricians? They get shell shocked.
I have a great memory.
You might say I have turtle recall.
[LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING.]
It's working.
It's working! Okay, let's get rolling.
Wait! If you're going out there, you'd better put on these gag masks.
They'll protect you against the effects of the joke waves.
Okay, guys, time to take advantage of a helpless population.
[RAPHAEL.]
Know what you call a turtle in a steam bath? A turtle neck sweater.
It's not easy for a turtle to get a job.
No one wants to shell out the money.
Attention, all citizens.
Be on the alert for an insidious joke wave that's approaching our city.
[RAPHAEL.]
I'm a turtle, and my doctor's a duck.
I'm beginning to think he's a real quack.
A real quack.
[LAUGHING.]
[RAPHAEL.]
I've never seen a man-eating shark, but I have seen a turtle eating pizza! Hey, Boss, I thought the Mona Lisa was supposed to be smiling not laughing.
[RAPHAEL.]
You know a turtle's favorite pasta? Turtlini! This is so frustrating.
We can hear Raphael, but we don't know where they've taken him.
Don't sweat, dudette.
We'll find him.
It's a lucky thing I installed a sound wave modifier in the Turtle van.
Without it, we'd all be helpless with laughter by now.
From Raphael's jokes? Gimme a break! They're not that funny.
I agree, but someone is magnifying their laughability factor.
That club owner mentioned a Pinky McFingers.
All we have to do is find him.
Lots of luck, Leonardo.
The police have been looking for his hideout for years.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Uh-oh, it's my boss.
Hi, Chief.
April, we go on the air in five minutes.
Where's that botanical gardens footage? I'm afraid I didn't get any, Mr.
Thompson.
I've been following an even bigger story.
You what? You deliberately disobeyed my orders? [RAPHAEL.]
Some people think turtles are poisonous.
I bite my nails all the time, and I'm fine.
Why I ought to-- to [CHUCKLES.]
assign you to writing [LAUGHS.]
cue cards for the weather man! [LAUGHING.]
Gosh, Chief, uh, I'm glad you're taking it so well.
Hold everything, gang.
I think I'm on to something.
[BEEPING.]
Well, like what, dude? Well, I matched an old voice print of Raphael's to this tracking device, and I'm getting a reading.
[BEEPING.]
[APRIL.]
Look, there he is! Hang tight, little green bud! We're on our way! Hey, everybody! It worked! My gagamagnifier is a success! It sure is, Professor.
Hey, Boss, what do we do with these priceless masterpieces? Toss them in the corner where they won't get damaged.
Right, Boss.
Okay, now that you've got what you've wanted, how about letting us go? No way.
Plundering the city was just small-time, local stuff.
Now we're going nationwide.
What are you talking about? You got 24 hours to come up with some brand-new jokes.
Tomorrow, we're gonna knock off the National Mint.
[DONATELLO.]
You'll have to get by us first! More turtle comedians! Go home, you guys.
This one's already got the job.
You guys must have gotten the real deal on those suits.
We're not comedians, but we always have the last laugh! Take care of these clowns.
No! Allow me! It's Baxter Stockman! The fly dude? What's buzzin', cousin? Aw, you shouldn't have said that, Michelangelo.
It really bugs him.
How many times must I tell people? I'm not Baxter! I'm Barney! What's happening? It's some sort of paralyzing ray.
Okay, now, take 'em.
[CHUCKLES.]
Looks like your pals are about to get roughed up by those gorillas.
There's still a chance.
Shecky, your jokes are the only thing that can save us now.
Uh-oh we're in big trouble.
My jokes? Save us? Trust me.
Just go into your act.
Yeah, yeah.
My brother broke his arm in two places.
If I were him, I'd stay out of those places.
Know why the ocean roars? You'd roar, too, if you had lobsters in your bed.
Speaking of fish, aren't sardines stupid? They lock themselves in the can, then they leave the key outside.
This is the hideout, Sergeant.
It's Pinky McFingers, all right.
We finally got him.
April! How'd you ever find this place? You might say we followed your laugh track.
[RAPHAEL.]
Okay, guys, you have to listen to the new routine I just wrote.
I open with this really dynamite joke.
You know what's green then yellow then green then yellow? A yellow-bellied turtle rolling down a hill! [TURTLES PROTESTING.]
Watch it, guys.
I can buy Stockman's gagamagnifier real cheap.
You do, and we'll buy the House of Ha-Ha's trapdoor.
[TURTLES LAUGHING.]
Close Captioned by
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Heroes in a half shell Turtle power They're the world's Most fearsome fighting team We're really hip.
They're heroes in the half shell And they're green Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Hey, get a grip! When the evil Shredder attacks These turtle boys don't cut him no slack Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Splinter taught them to be ninja teens He's a radical rat.
Leonardo leads Donatello does machines That's a fact, Jack.
Raphael is cool, but rude Gimme a break.
Michelangelo is a party dude Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Heroes in a half shell Turtle power How much longer is this gonna take, dude? I keep telling you, Michelangelo, you can't rush genius.
Especially such a humble one.
Just one final adjustment, and, voila, to choose from.
[RAPHAEL.]
Perfect picture, Donatello.
And just in time for my favorite program, Lifestyles of the Brilliant and Scholarly.
You gotta be kiddin'.
I'd rather watch a test pattern.
Get serious, dudes! The Banana Slug That Slimed Detroit is about to start! What? And miss the kickboxing tournament? Definitely.
My brain's dialed in for a truly bodacious flick.
Now, me? I'd rather have a few giggles.
I say we tune in to the Laugh Channel.
Guys, there's only one fair way to settle this.
We'll draw straws.
The short straw gets to watch his program.
Bummer.
All right! Here, Raphael.
Happy viewing.
Come on.
Aren't you guys gonna watch the Laugh Channel with me? They're doing a show from the House of Ha-Ha.
Are you kidding? I get my daily quota of bad jokes just hanging around you.
Anyone interested in some pizza? Totally triumphant suggestion, dude.
Sore losers! Now, to enjoy some heavy-duty yucks.
Speaking of girls, I once dated this girl who had a strange growth on her neck.
It was her head! It was her head! [LAUGHTER ON TV.]
That's not all.
She sprayed so much mousse in her hair, she grew antlers.
She grew antlers.
[LAUGHTER ON TV.]
Oh, man, I'd bet I could be a great stand-up comic, if I weren't so busy protecting the world from evildoers.
Speaking of my girlfriend, the other day she-- What the heck? [AUDIENCE BOOING ON TV.]
[CHUCKLES.]
That Joey, huh? Always leaves 'em wantin' more.
Well, that's weird.
No comic quits in the middle of a joke.
Not even a bad one.
[TRANSMITTER BEEPS.]
Raphael here.
Raphael, I got a report that something strange is going on at the House of Ha-Ha.
It seems that comedians are disappearing right in the middle of their act! I know, April.
I just saw it on the tube.
The club's just a few blocks from your lair.
Could you guys check it out for me? Well, I'm the only one here, but that's no problem.
If anyone can crash that club, it's yours truly.
[CROWD LAUGHING IN DISTANCE.]
That comedy club should be right around here someplace.
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
Aha! It's the Ha-Ha! [LOUNGE.]
What a sewer.
Then again, some of my best friends live in a sewer.
Hey, waiter! You in the green suit! Where's that pizza I ordered? Well, you said heavy on the anchovies.
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
I can watch what's going on from here without being seen.
Uh, you here for the tryouts? Uh, no, no, I'm one of the stage hands.
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
Oh, here's a man who looks like he's going places.
And the sooner the better.
[DRUM HIT.]
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
Lady, I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception.
[DRUM HIT.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, this guy is the pits.
Even I could do better than that.
Oh, when your parents had you, they sure hit the "jerkpot".
[SLIDE WHISTLE BLOWS, DRUM HIT.]
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
[MAN GRUNTS.]
[CROWD PROTESTING.]
[DRUMROLL.]
Okay, you're on next.
Now get out there quick! No way! It's one thing to die on stage.
It's another thing to disappear.
What am I gonna do now? This crowd is mean enough to riot, or worse yet, ask for their money back.
Oops.
Great! There's still one more comic left! All right, kid.
Now get out there and knock 'em dead.
Wait! I'm a turtle.
Now, that's okay.
Every comic's gotta have a gimmick.
But-- But-- I-- [COMIC FANFARE.]
Folks, our next performer is brand-new to the comedy game.
In fact, you might say he's totally green.
[DRUM HIT.]
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
All right, kid.
I warmed 'em up for you.
Now, break a leg! Whoa! Oh, boy.
Looks like I was saved by the shell.
[DRUM HIT.]
I, uh-- I just celebrated my birthday.
I was born under the sign of Aquarium.
[DRUM HIT.]
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHTER ON TV.]
He'll be sorry he didn't come with us, Raphael.
You missed some stupenduloso pizza, dude.
Where is Raphael anyway? [LAUGHTER.]
I don't know, but he forgot to turn off the TV set.
I'll have to talk to him about it when he gets back.
Hey, you know what has a hard shell, green skin and purple feet? A turtle who makes his own grape juice! [DRUM HIT.]
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
[LEONARDO.]
Raphael? Doing stand-up? At a comedy club? [ALL.]
I don't believe it! Okay, you know what you get when you cross a turtle with a gorilla? I don't know, either, but you better get out of its way! [DRUMROLL.]
[CHUCKLES.]
It's Raphael! And he's really good! Oh, he's good all right at making a total fool of himself.
Why, Vernon, I think you're jealous.
Jealous? Me? [SCOFFS.]
I can make people laugh, too, you know.
Whoa! [SCREAMS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
You certainly can, Vernon.
[LAUGHING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Bear with me, folks.
I've got a frog in my throat, and I'm afraid I might croak! [DRUM HIT.]
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
Please, Mr.
McFingers, you gotta stop making my comics disappear like that.
It's ruining my business.
Yeah? That's too bad.
Please, if you want comedians, why not just call their agents? Are you asking me or telling me? I'm, uh begging you? Well, here's my answer.
Get him! You sure, Pinky? Yeah, I'm sure.
You're the boss.
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
But I just wanna say-- Oh! What happened to Raphael? I don't know.
He was in the middle of a joke when, all of a sudden, the lights went out.
[CROWD PROTESTING.]
That's it for tonight, folks! I'm glad you enjoyed the show.
[CROWD.]
Hey! Boo! [TRANSMITTER BEEPS.]
Yes, April.
Donatello, I'm worried about Raphael.
He's at the House of Ha-Ha, and he might be in trouble.
We saw his act on TV, April.
It wasn't that bad.
You guys better get over there on the double! Fellas, let's haul shell.
Come on.
Come on, you guys.
What's taking so long? This guy's putting up quite a struggle for a comic.
[MCFINGERS.]
Okay, head for the hideout.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[DONATELLO.]
Leonardo, are you sure you know where you're going? [LEONARDO.]
Just follow me.
I know this sewer system like the back of my hand.
The House of Ha-Ha is definitely this way.
[GRUNTS.]
Or is it that way? I've got a feeling we're in deep muck.
[APRIL.]
Please, Chief, you've just gotta let me cover these mysterious disappearances at the House of Ha-Ha.
Ha-ha, forget it, April.
Nobody cares about a bunch of third-rate comedians.
I'm assigning you to a really big story: an infestation of gypsy moths at the botanical gardens.
They're really playing heck with the azalea bushes.
Gypsy moths? Azalea bushes? I'm talking about people.
And I'm talking about your job! The real reason she's so anxious to cover this story is because her weird Turtle friends are involved.
The Turtles? Ooh! I'm still paying off bills from the last story involving those green menaces! Now, you and Vernon get over to the gardens, and that's an order.
Whatever you say, Boss.
Better take this insect repellant.
You never know what trouble you might run into.
[VERNON.]
April, you're driving in the wrong direction! The botanical gardens are that way! I know, but we're going to the House of Ha-Ha.
But Burne distinctly ordered you to stay away from that place.
Vernon, you're really starting to bug me.
Now, you can cover the botanical garden story [TIRES SCREECHING.]
by yourself.
In my book, turtles are a lot more important than a bunch of moths.
[RAPHAEL.]
How'd I get into this fix? My routine couldn't have been that bad.
Those goons may have taken away my dignity, but they didn't take away my sai.
[MCFINGERS.]
Get the funny man out of the trunk.
Uh, right, Boss.
Uh, it's empty.
Just like your heads! Haven't you guys heard? Give a turtle enough rope, [BLOWS LANDING.]
and he'll tie you up.
Hey, what do you think you're doing? A good boss ought to be close to his men.
Now, to see what these bozos are up to.
So this is where you guys disappeared to.
Oh, great.
Fabulous.
We're being rescued here by the Jolly Green Turtle.
Never mind him.
Just get us outta here.
I heard of a captive audience, but never a captive performer.
That's pretty funny.
Consider it stolen.
[MCFINGERS.]
You, in the turtle suit! I'll teach you to tie me up.
You better just come along quietly.
Well, if it's all the same to you, I'd rather make a lot of noise.
Ha-ha! Woo-hoo! [RAPHAEL CACKLING.]
[CABLE SNAPPING.]
[SHOUTS.]
[MAN.]
I got you! For a guy who's supposed to be funny, you're in serious trouble.
Mr.
Bigelow? I'm April O'Neil from Channel Six News.
Beat it.
I don't need some nosey reporter snooping around here.
I want to talk to you about the comedians who've been disappearing.
Look, are you gonna walk out of here, or am I gonna throw you out? Don't be rude, dude.
That's no way to talk to a lady! You're the guy in the cheap turtle suit.
How'd you get away from Pinky McFingers and his goons? Cheap turtle suit? I resemble that remark.
Oh, now I get it.
You guys are an improv group.
Open auditions are on Wednesdays.
We're not here to audition.
We're here to find our friend.
And we've got a feeling you know something about how he disappeared.
Yeah, he did it like this.
[ELECTRONIC BEEPING.]
Now he's disappeared, too.
Mondo disaster, dudes! Now we'll never find out where Rafael is.
I don't know what you're up to, McFingers, but you won't get away with it.
You ought to be flattered.
You're gonna take part in a scientific experiment.
Ooh! Experiment? [RAPHAEL.]
Don't worry, Joey.
This guy doesn't look like a scientific genius to me.
I don't have to be.
I can buy brains.
Come on out, Professor.
[RAPHAEL.]
Baxter Stockman! What are you doing here? I am not Baxter! Baxter is my brother! I'm Barney Stockman! Barney! Well, that's incredible.
You look just like him.
I'm sick and tired of everyone telling me that.
I'm much better looking.
My brother botched an experiment and turned himself into a fly.
Tell me! Do I look like an insect to you? Do my eyes bug out? Can I walk on ceilings? I don't know.
I never seen your act.
Okay, Professor.
Cut the temper tantrum, and let's get on with it.
Uh, get on with what? Gentlemen! You are about to witness the effects of my latest invention, the gagamagnifier! Gagamagnifier? It increases the comedy power of jokes by 6,000 percent! Oh, I sure could have used this thing last night.
Yeah.
Where can I buy one? I'm hoping to have it in stores by Christmas.
Forget all that.
Tell them how it works.
We take a really funny comedian, hook him up to the gagamagnifier, and project his super-enhanced jokes throughout the city! Reducing the citizens to helpless hysteria! And while the poor jerks are rolling around on the ground laughing, me and the boys swipe whatever we want.
And now, to determine which of you three is the funniest.
I can't believe this is happening.
This is too bizarre even for a cartoon.
Aw, don't waste your time with a test.
Just hook me up.
You? You couldn't get a laugh out of a ticklish hyena.
Oh, yeah? Your jokes are so old they get on the bus for half fare.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen! We'll let the laugh meter decide who's the funniest.
Okay, you bozos, it's show time.
You, gagameister, make me laugh.
Okay, here it goes.
You know how to find a head on a worm? You tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
[ELECTRONIC WARBLING.]
That was a real groaner.
Okay, funny man, now it's your turn.
Wait'll you hear this one.
It'll kill ya.
I just met the meanest guy in the whole world.
He bought a homing pigeon, and then he moved! A giggle.
Close but no cigar.
Okay, Mr.
Greenjeans, your turn.
All right.
Here goes nothing.
And I do mean nothing.
You know the best place to raise turtles? In an elevator.
Bingo! We found our subject! Congratulations, kid.
You got the job.
Are you totally nuts? That's the worst joke I ever heard! I think you and your invention both have a couple of screws loose.
The machine works fine, and you're the one it picked.
Whoopee.
Lucky me.
Do you believe it? They actually picked that yo-yo in the turtle skin over me.
Or better yet, over me! I'm warning you, McFingers.
You can lead a turtle to a gagamagnifier, but you can't make him joke.
What exactly does that mean? It means I refuse to be part of your vicious scheme.
Oh, yeah? Professor? Show our little green friend what'll happen to his buddies if he don't cooperate.
With the greatest of pleasure.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
Okay.
Stop.
You win! I'll do it.
[MEN SCREAMING.]
[MACHINE POWERING DOWN.]
I knew you'd see it my way.
All right, young man.
It's show time.
You know what you get if you cross a turtle with a mousetrap? A snapping turtle.
You know why turtles can't become electricians? They get shell shocked.
I have a great memory.
You might say I have turtle recall.
[LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING.]
It's working.
It's working! Okay, let's get rolling.
Wait! If you're going out there, you'd better put on these gag masks.
They'll protect you against the effects of the joke waves.
Okay, guys, time to take advantage of a helpless population.
[RAPHAEL.]
Know what you call a turtle in a steam bath? A turtle neck sweater.
It's not easy for a turtle to get a job.
No one wants to shell out the money.
Attention, all citizens.
Be on the alert for an insidious joke wave that's approaching our city.
[RAPHAEL.]
I'm a turtle, and my doctor's a duck.
I'm beginning to think he's a real quack.
A real quack.
[LAUGHING.]
[RAPHAEL.]
I've never seen a man-eating shark, but I have seen a turtle eating pizza! Hey, Boss, I thought the Mona Lisa was supposed to be smiling not laughing.
[RAPHAEL.]
You know a turtle's favorite pasta? Turtlini! This is so frustrating.
We can hear Raphael, but we don't know where they've taken him.
Don't sweat, dudette.
We'll find him.
It's a lucky thing I installed a sound wave modifier in the Turtle van.
Without it, we'd all be helpless with laughter by now.
From Raphael's jokes? Gimme a break! They're not that funny.
I agree, but someone is magnifying their laughability factor.
That club owner mentioned a Pinky McFingers.
All we have to do is find him.
Lots of luck, Leonardo.
The police have been looking for his hideout for years.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Uh-oh, it's my boss.
Hi, Chief.
April, we go on the air in five minutes.
Where's that botanical gardens footage? I'm afraid I didn't get any, Mr.
Thompson.
I've been following an even bigger story.
You what? You deliberately disobeyed my orders? [RAPHAEL.]
Some people think turtles are poisonous.
I bite my nails all the time, and I'm fine.
Why I ought to-- to [CHUCKLES.]
assign you to writing [LAUGHS.]
cue cards for the weather man! [LAUGHING.]
Gosh, Chief, uh, I'm glad you're taking it so well.
Hold everything, gang.
I think I'm on to something.
[BEEPING.]
Well, like what, dude? Well, I matched an old voice print of Raphael's to this tracking device, and I'm getting a reading.
[BEEPING.]
[APRIL.]
Look, there he is! Hang tight, little green bud! We're on our way! Hey, everybody! It worked! My gagamagnifier is a success! It sure is, Professor.
Hey, Boss, what do we do with these priceless masterpieces? Toss them in the corner where they won't get damaged.
Right, Boss.
Okay, now that you've got what you've wanted, how about letting us go? No way.
Plundering the city was just small-time, local stuff.
Now we're going nationwide.
What are you talking about? You got 24 hours to come up with some brand-new jokes.
Tomorrow, we're gonna knock off the National Mint.
[DONATELLO.]
You'll have to get by us first! More turtle comedians! Go home, you guys.
This one's already got the job.
You guys must have gotten the real deal on those suits.
We're not comedians, but we always have the last laugh! Take care of these clowns.
No! Allow me! It's Baxter Stockman! The fly dude? What's buzzin', cousin? Aw, you shouldn't have said that, Michelangelo.
It really bugs him.
How many times must I tell people? I'm not Baxter! I'm Barney! What's happening? It's some sort of paralyzing ray.
Okay, now, take 'em.
[CHUCKLES.]
Looks like your pals are about to get roughed up by those gorillas.
There's still a chance.
Shecky, your jokes are the only thing that can save us now.
Uh-oh we're in big trouble.
My jokes? Save us? Trust me.
Just go into your act.
Yeah, yeah.
My brother broke his arm in two places.
If I were him, I'd stay out of those places.
Know why the ocean roars? You'd roar, too, if you had lobsters in your bed.
Speaking of fish, aren't sardines stupid? They lock themselves in the can, then they leave the key outside.
This is the hideout, Sergeant.
It's Pinky McFingers, all right.
We finally got him.
April! How'd you ever find this place? You might say we followed your laugh track.
[RAPHAEL.]
Okay, guys, you have to listen to the new routine I just wrote.
I open with this really dynamite joke.
You know what's green then yellow then green then yellow? A yellow-bellied turtle rolling down a hill! [TURTLES PROTESTING.]
Watch it, guys.
I can buy Stockman's gagamagnifier real cheap.
You do, and we'll buy the House of Ha-Ha's trapdoor.
[TURTLES LAUGHING.]
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