That '70s Show s05e24 Episode Script

Okay, Eric.
Get a good look at me in my uniform.
Because today- It's my last day wearing it.
What? No.
No! Ah! We never got to do the trampoline thing.
Hey, I'm done with Catholic school.
And my dad fixed it so I can graduate at Point Place with you guys.
My best memories are under that skirt.
Hey, Mom? Where's Daddy? I need $20.
- For what? - In an effort to clean up my act I'm buying my own drinks now.
Well, he's not home.
When Eric told him about his little plan to move away with Donna after graduation your father went fishing.
- What? - No! What the big deal? You guys are really freakin' me out.
My dad only goes fishing when he's, like, super-pissed.
I think something about stabbing a worm over and over again with a hook is, like um, therapeutic for him.
Yeah.
He fished for three whole days when he found out about me and the mayor.
- What? - Eric's moving away! That's right.
And that's why your father's angry.
This is your way of acting grown up? Grown-ups don't just leave the comfort of their parents' home to- to move to a new city and start a life? Well, maybe not in the 1930s- '40s- God, you're so young.
Well, I think this is nuts.
Don't you just think this is nuts? - The whole thing is just-just nuts! - [Utensils Clattering.]
Mom, I kinda think you're the one who's being- Oh, if you say I'm nuts, you're going right through that sliding door.
I don't enjoy telling you this but you just wait until your father gets home.
All right.
I did enjoy that.
This is all your fault.
Yeah.
Hey, Laurie, uh, quick impression: Who am I? "Hey, Eric, why don't you tell Dad you're moving after graduation so he'll kill you and I can reclaim my rightful place as the chosen one?" [Mouths Word.]
Eric, you don't understand.
This time I actually meant well.
That's what you said at the county fair after you locked me in the Porta-Potty with a goat.
- He was friendly.
- He was horny! - Hey, Jackie.
- [Groans.]
- Michael, what do you want? - I think the question is, what do you want? And I'm pretty sure the answer is pink jelly beans.
Now, they used to be pink and white jelly beans, but I ate all the white ones 'cause I know you don't like things that taste white.
Okay.
Look.
Michael, just because Steven and I broke up does not mean I want you throwing yourself at me.
Whoa.
Jackie, this is the new and improved Michael.
Okay? I'm not throwing anything at you except for happy thoughts and jelly beans.
Like, sex is, like, the furthest thing from my mind.
So- [Sighs.]
It's really over between you two, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, I think it is.
- So why do we still have clothes on? - Oh, God.
Michael, get out! Oh, Jackie, I'm talking about our emotional clothes.
Okay, look, I know I've made mistakes in the past, okay? But I've changed, and I just want you to get to know the new me.
Yeah, the new you, huh? What does the new you cheat with- every skank who throws her fat, furry butt at you? Jackie, no one I ever cheated with had a fat, furry butt! If anything, it was one or the other.
But look, all that is over, okay? It's finito, the end-o.
- I don't believe you.
- Well, it's the truth.
Okay.
Fine.
Michael, whatever.
- Okay? Let's just see how things go from here.
- Great.
Let's get naked.
- Oh! Michael! - No, like, friendly naked- like two girls in a sauna.
[Chuckling.]
You are such a freak.
Okay, look, just-At least take a jelly bean? Okay? I bought 'em just for you.
Well, that was very sweet.
There you are.
Give me back my jelly beans, you son of a bitch! ## [Rock Group Singing.]
## [Ends.]
[Man Shouts Greeting.]
Okay, now cross and uncross your legs.
Um- Hmm- Hmm, okay, now make a face like- like, "Oops, did I do something bad?" [Shutter Clicking.]
Okay, now-now crawl to me.
Good.
Good.
Now crawl away from me.
Ooh, sexy.
Come on, Donna.
Throw him a bone, huh? There's only so much satisfaction the kid can get from the back of a panty hose package.
Yes, Donna.
I have a lot to do.
After this I have to get Lindsay Wolfe to sign my yearbook then show her that she's actually signed a pledge to do it with me three times.
Why three? Well, because the first time I'll be nervous and then the second time I'll have to please her because I got nervous.
But then the third time- the third time is when I get funky.
- Jackie- - No, no.
Steven, I'm not here to see you.
Okay? I'm just here to see Donna.
Look, I told you I'm sorry, and I made a mistake.
Can we just talk, please? Talk about what? You cheated on me.
Okay? It's over.
I feel nothing.
Ooh, bitchy.
You know what? Donna, I'll just see you next door.
- [Clatters.]
- Ouch! - Are you okay? Fez! Panties! Panties! - [Strains.]
- Ah.
The sacred senior prank where we vandalize the water tower.
I've been waiting for this moment since well, the last time we vandalized the water tower.
So, Hyde gaveJackie some jelly beans today.
- Who cares? - Yeah, well, you should, because they were pink and that is the bean of love.
And I got her that particular bean because I never stopped loving her.
Yeah, well, you stopped long enough to cheat on her with Pam Macy, Laurie and Annette.
- Who else am I forgetting? - [Chortles.]
There were many others.
But you cheated on her with a nurse.
It was a misunderstanding that you caused.
- That's it.
Let's go.
- Oh, yeah? I'm ready.
I hope you got that nurse's number.
You're gonna need it when I'm done.
Hey, stop it.
Stop it.
You two need to grow up and start painting genitals on the water tower.
- Fine.
I'll be over here.
- Fine.
I'll be over here.
Well, since I have never seen another man's genitals, I'll have to paint my own.
In that case, I'll need more paint.
[Laughs.]
And a bigger tower.
[Laughs.]
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
- Kelso, what are you writing? - "Michael plus Jackie.
" - I'm kickin' your ass! Ah, you can't kick my ass from down there.
All you can do is punch my ass.
- Hey, get down! - Just face the fact, Hyde.
You're down there and I'm up here, and I am invincible.
[Branches Snapping.]
- [Body Crashes Into Shrubbery.]
- Kelso, are you okay? I think I fell! - I'm gonna go check on him.
- Okay.
Okay, I think he'll be fine.
Now, let's see.
Where do I begin? I want it to look like it's coming right at me.
[Siren Blares.]
[Man On P.
A.
.]
This is the Point Place Police Department.
You're under arrest! Um, I am a painter from a foreign country and this is my gift to America.
Get off the water tower! People of America I give you Genitals in the Sky.
[Vehicle Approaching.]
- [Brakes Squeak.]
- You hear that? - [Engine Stops.]
- Sounded like your dad's car.
- [Door Opens.]
- Run for it.
No, you don't.
You made your bed.
Now you have to lie in it.
Oh, who am I kidding? You never make your bed.
Eric, wait.
Listen.
If you leave now, you'll never get back in.
- That means good-bye to your clothes, your furniture- - [Gasps.]
My G.
I.
Joes.
We stay.
Everybody in the living room.
[Inhales, Singsongy.]
You're gonna get it.
You're gonna get it.
Lay it on him, Red.
[Sighs.]
While I was fishing, I had a lotta time to think.
- That's right.
- And all that thinking made me very angry.
Very angry.
And the fish that were unlucky enough to cross my path- Well, you know how they say that fish can't feel pain? That's a load of crap.
A big load.
And I finally came to a conclusion that someone in this room is not going to like.
That's you, porky mouth.
Eric - I'm proud of you.
- And that goes double for- What the hell did you say? I did everything I could to stop you from getting married but you stuck to your guns.
And I admire that you're willing to go out on your own.
You're a man now, and you have my blessing.
This is like The Godfather.
I think you have to kiss his ring.
How can you just give in and let Eric leave home? He has defied you over and over.
He's a- a lying, cheating, conniving liar and I won't let you send my precious baby boy away.
Kitty, my mind is made up.
And, Eric, we're gonna pay for your college too.
Really? Dad, l-I don't know what to say to you, except you're great! That's all right, Son.
We don't do that here.
Okay.
Well.
Well, this is nice.
Since we're all happy, Eric doesn't have to leave three months early.
He can go to school in the fall like everyone else.
We can take a pottery class! No, Kitty, he's leaving: No pottery class, no mother-son dancing lessons no trying out for Family Feud.
But this deal is only good if you stay focused.
If you do something stupid- like get Donna pregnant- you're on your own.
Then I guess this is a bad time to give you the news.
I'm kidding! I'm just so giddy! - So it's just a sprain, huh? - Yeah, it doesn't hurt too bad.
[Door Closes.]
I guess the best part is I've now fallen off the water tower in every grade.
That record will stand until your son goes to school.
- Thanks for drivin' me to the hospital, man.
- Oh, whatever.
No.
Not "whatever.
" I mean, look.
You drove me because we've been buds forever.
L- It's like, why are we fightin' over a girl, man? Remember in third grade when we were both in love with Miss Hamill and we fought over her? And then after you pulled my head out of the toilet, and I let go of your bean bags we made a pact to never fight over a girl again.
You know, you're right, man.
I mean, neither of us has a shot with Jackie anyway.
- So I'm steppin' back.
- No.
No, no.
You go for it.
I'll step back.
No, I'm serious.
Door's open for you.
No, I'm serious.
The door is open for you.
- I just closed the door for me! - Well, I'm closin' the door for me and I'm lockin' myself inside, and I'm swallowin' the key! Fine.
We're both done with her.
You're my bud.
You're my bud.
Aah! I was wondering if that would work, and it did.
- [Gasps.]
Steven! Are you okay? - Why? Well, I heard someone fell off the water tower, and I thought it could be you.
L- - No, it was Kelso.
- [Exhales.]
Wait.
You came down here, 'cause you were worried about me.
No, I didn't.
'Cause you still care about me.
Uh-uh.
- So I still have a shot with you.
- No.
No, you don't.
I mean, okay.
I don't know.
Steven, stop staring at me, or I'll kick you.
Ah! Jackie, hope you didn't come here to make love to me.
- No, Michael.
L- - 'Cause I'm fine.
All I need is my buddy Hyde.
And no chick is gonna come between us anymore.
- Right, Hyde? - Uh-h-h, yeah.
Yeah.
Let's go, buddy Hyde.
Aah! Look at all the apartments they have in Madison.
- This place even pays utilities.
- Oh, cool.
What are utilities? - I think it's, like, gas and water.
- Free water? Um, you know what that means? Free ice.
What are you two doing? Oh, we're lookin' for apartments in Madison.
I can't believe it.
It's like we leave in less than a week.
Are you trying to kill me? Because that's what you're doing.
You're killing your mother.
You only get one, ya know.
Eric, this place has a washer and dryer.
Wait.
A washer and free water? - Oh, my God, it's like there's no reason to ever come home.
- I know.
[Laughs, Stops.]
Excuse me.
Washer and dryer, Red.
They are going to have a washer and dryer.
That redheaded harlot is gonna be Shouting out my baby's grass stains! What about my last summer with my youngest child? I bet you weren't thinkin' about that when you went fishing.
I bought sparklers for the Fourth ofJuly.
He loves sparklers and now he's leaving, and what are we gonna do for the Fourth ofJuly? Uh-h-h, there's a car show in Kenosha.
A car show? I don't want to go to a- [Bleeps.]
car show in- [Bleeps.]
Kenosha.
I want three more- [Bleeps.]
months with my baby boy and now they're gone because of your bull- [Bleeps.]
Way to go, dumb-ass! Ah, it feels good to be back! Just Kelso and Hyde.
No chick can come between us.
All right.
So what do ya wanna do? We can play air hockey, give Fez a wedgie, uh- Oh, my brother just got a new stereo.
We can throw it off an overpass.
Actually, I changed my mind.
I'm gonna getJackie back.
What? No way.
What about our third-grade pact? We also made a pact to invent a formula for invisibility.
- Well, that fell through too.
- Well, because you gave up.
Look, Kelso.
I never felt this way about a girl before, okay? And that pretty much beats our third-grade pact.
I'm sorry, but I wanna be with her.
Well, at the hospital, you said that I could have her.
That was when I didn't think I still had a shot with her.
Your- For your information, I still have a shot with her.
She accepted my jelly beans.
I don't know what that means, but you can't have her.
You closed the door.
Yeah? Well, now I'm closin' the door on you, and once again, I'm swallowin' the key.
And you're locked inside, and I'm gettin'Jackie back.
Well, you're gonna lose.
Heh-heh.
Yeah? Well, if by "lose" you mean "win," then you're right.
I am gonna lose.
[Chortles.]
Well, thanks a lot for getting me at the police station, you two sons of two bitches! Fez, what happened? Well, I got arrested.
And they did a background check and found out that my student visa expires when I graduate from high school.
- What? - Yeah, and now I have to leave the country after graduation.
That's in a week.
And I have to relearn my native language.
- Good day.
- No, but Fez- [Speaking Foreign Language.]
Way to go.
If you hadn't fallen off the water tower, we could've helped him out.
Aah! Aa-aa-aah! They should've x-rayed your head at the hospital.
They did.
And for your information, they found nothing.
Hmm.
I can't believe our little Fez is gonna be deported.
God, I wish there was something we could do.
Maybe I could talk to the mayor.
He owes me one.
Eric, we can't let this happen.
If Fez goes back to his country with those pictures he took my panties are gonna end up on a stamp.
Pop-Tarts? Where's Mom? She went fishin'.
Shut up and eat.
Dear PresidentJimmy Carter.
The following is a list of reasons why I, Fez, should be allowed to stay in your great country.
Number one: I have never gone number one on your beautiful soil.
Number two: I have never gone number two on your- Wait.
Scratch that.
Number two: "Fez" is also a word for a hat.
Uncle Sam wears a hat.
Coincidence? [Chuckles.]
Yes.
Three, where else am I going to live? France? [Scoffs.]
[Bleeps.]
France.