That '70s Show s06e05 Episode Script
I'm Free
Laverne is so annoying, why does Shirley keep putting up with her crap? Well, she has to there in love Again, Kelso, Laverne and Shirley are not Lesbians trust me, there one bottle of wine away from making out just like you two! Kelso, dont you have something more important to talk about right now? If you got a topic more important than girl on girl action Id like to hear it How about the fact that Brookes got your feeble-minded bun in her oven Look, she cant be pregnant, okay? It just cant be true Michael, this is not something girls lie about, okay? I would know, Im an expert on girl lies Kelso, your gonna have to do something about this No, but doing something is not in my nature Ignore, Avoid, Run away, these words have been very good to me - Youre horrible - What a pig You know what? You girls dont even know what Im going through, you can have all the sex you want and you dont have to worry about gettinAnyone pregnant Laurie, try these banana walnut pancakes I know youve always had a thing for nuts Every man in town knows that What men? Oh, never mind! You guys an agent from immigration is coming to check on Fez and Lauries marriage and if he finds out its fake Fez could deported - But this marriage is based on love, right, honey? - dont touch me Fine, Ill give you 20 bucks to pretend to be my wife Thats gotta sound familiar Steven, If you keep doing that, its gonna be really hard for me to pretend I dont know what your talking about Then I should go because its just to easy Like Laurie.
When is this I.
N.
S man gonna be here? Uh, sometime this week, its a surprise visit So I have to stay here Stay here? With, Red? Oh, no, I cant allow that Why not? Red loves me Honey, you gave him a heart attack Maybe he just loves Fez so much That his heart exploded? Please, Miss Kitty.
Let me stay Mom, come on - Okay, you win - Oh, thank you! Uh, that was a sexy hug you really put some boom-boom into it, huh? That 70's show Season 6 Episode 5 I'm free Sir Martini "Row, row, row, your boat" "Gently down the stream" "Soapy, soapy, scrubby, scrubby" "Fez is nice and clean" What the hell! I dont know what you heard, but this show aint free! What is this doing her? Okay, Red he just has to stay here for a few days But Kitty,he was in my shower, he saw my legs - And he saw Pepé - Shut up Listen, Dad, the I.
N.
S is coming and if they found out this marriage is fake, Fez could get deported Well, thats Anwars problem Oh, but I cannot go back home, Im an American now Im lazy, fat and soft like you! Look, you deserve what you get! You tricked Laurie into this mess of a marriage shesinnocent andNaïve.
The only reason she got caught up in this is because she loves to much Well that last parts true Shoot! Its Brooke, hide me Hey! Im sorry Donna, squeezing your but gives me courage So Michael? You split pretty quick the other day Maybe we should talk or something? You got itOne sec Kelso! Aah! Donna, Let go of my leg! I swear I got no problem kickin a girl Look, youve done a lot of stupid crap over the years You stolemy panties, you tied my hamster to a bottle rocket And I dont know how many times Ive caught you peeking through my window Five Look, the point is, I let it all slide because underneath I knew you were a good guy, but if you bail on Brooke, I will never respect you again and neither will anybody else Look, I know, ok? I know.
I just I dont know what to do Well, Kelso, you need to go talk to her Ok Touch Donna Pinciotties Panties for 5 bucks Call, Michael Kelso And that was the first time I ever tasted chocolate Thats a great story, man but, uh, its like 2 in the morning so we gotta go to sleep But I forgot my tape of my ocean sounds and I cannot fall asleep without it Can you make ocean sounds for me? Yeah, Im not doing that Okay, then let me tell you about the first time I ate a blow pop Lick number one: What a surprise! You are forgetting the whale songs? Listen, man, Ive only been to the ocean once and the closest thing I saw to a whale was some fat guy selling drugs Fine, lick number two still no gum?! What the hell are you doing to yourself?! Oh, great, Dad, you know what? You woke him up, you put him back to sleep! Hey! UhIts been pointed out to me that Ive been acting a little flaky about, um our situation I disagree, flakey means your not consistent, you run away every time you see me Anyway, I think we should talk about what were gonna do or Im sure your gonna want me to meet your parents and lucky for you I look good in a suit I look good in anything, But you already know that, so Actually, dont worry about it! as far as the baby and I are concerned your off the hook So your just letting me go? Yep, you dont have to think about this ever again And I wont! WOW! Your like the coolest girl I ever did it with at a concert! Oh, honey, you look terrible Oh, you dont look so hot yourself, sister I beg your pardon Red made me sleep in the basement and every time I started to fall asleep Hyde would put a popsicle on my neck Thats my daddys chair "Thats my daddys chair" Fez, look, man you gotta start kissing Reds butt a little or hes gonna make sure you get deported He should be kissing my butt for taking his trashy daughter off his hands Im not that trashy, I wont sleep with you Oh, zip it, jezebel Out of my chair, Tonto Oh, come on a chair is a chair, branch out a little try the piano bench What did you say?! - Laurie, go get a cup of milk - Why? Itll keep Fezs teeth alive until we get him to the dentist Hi, sir, Hal Armstrong from the immigration service, Im here to conduct some interviews What do you want to know, cause Ill tell you everything Is it-Is it to late to give you back your chair Oh, no dont get up this could be the last time you sit on furniture that you didnt build out of mud and twigs So, Agent Armstrong cant wait to tell you all about this marriage, you got handcuffs, right? Red, Red, why dont you help me in the kitchen, Laurie make our guest comfortable Hey, G-man Okay, Red, just because he sat in your chair is no reason to get the boy deported You dont like me because Im not from here This has nothing to do with you being a foreigner.
Its about you taking advantage of my daughter like a sneaky foreigner Oh, wait, dad, look, I stayed home from college to take care of you and mom in your hour of need, okay you owe me! That is just like a woman to bring that up You know, Laurie could get in a lot of trouble, too - What kinda trouble? - Big trouble, dad, she could go to jail or back to jail! Well, come on, Its like where has she been for the past two years All right, fine, I wont volunteer anything but if he asks me a direct question Im not lying - Oh, you wont have to.
Ill do all the talking for you - Well, youll be good at that! And I guess it might be fun to just sit back and watch Tarzan here crumble before the full force of the U.
S Government Okay, thats it.
Anwar I can deal with.
Tonto, in the ballpark, but TarzanTarzan is a white guy Dont sass me, Tarzan! Michael, there is no way Brooke said your off the hook, Okay, I bet she said Im gonna take every penny you have you irresponsible bastard because thats what I would say No, she definitely said Off the hook Man I am one tall, cute, lucky kid! So thats it, man? Its like this thing with You and Brooke never happened Yeahwell no, I mean, theres still gonna be a baby out there but my lifes back to normal sort a I mean, its kinda weird but Im not gonna think about it cause I dont need to you know I should be happy right now.
You know, I am happy, right now! Yeah, I think Yeah, think, feel, look deep inside like deep, deep inside almost to China Theres a good guy in there You know what? Dont lecture me, okay? I went to her and I tried to talk to her and she said it was cool which is awesome because this could, like, screw up my whole life! Yeah, man, you know you gotta stay focused if your gonna invent those quadruple Oreos Those are a secret, man No yeah, this is good.
Why put yourself out for some kid, children grow up without dads all the time - Right - Yeah, like Steven Well, I dont want him ending up like Hyde hair all frizzed out with angry thoughts And violent, too Kelso, you know what you should do? But you're not gonna do it because your to much of a tool You know what? Its real easy to talk about the right thing to do when its not your life Tool Oh, Steven your sensitive to this because your father ditched you, too That is so foxy Hey, why dont we go down to my room, tell you about the time my mom got so loaded on mouthwash, she lost our rent money at the track Okay, you two claim to be married and living here to verify this Im going to separate you all and ask you a series of questions about the couple.
- Let me remind you your all under oath - under oath? I mean under Oath, bravo! Okay, first question, What kind of toothpaste does Fez use? Um, I brush my teeth with Colgate it is the only thing that cuts through the, um, milk duds - Who the hell cares about toothpaste? This kid and my daughter are - Happy, happy, happy! Iwait, w-why am I under oath? cause if I say crest and the answer is minty crest I Mean, thats, like, uh, perjury, was-whats gonna happen to me? wha-Oh, my god why are you writing this down? How long did Fez and Laurie date before they got married? Who needs to date? I had her in the sack faster than you can say Corn on The cob.
.
Speaking of dates, I made an incredible date nut bread The secret is to oak the dates in some good, strong rum, which reminds me, who needs a drink?I know I do.
I dont know how long they dated, I-oh, my God, Im going to prison arent I? Im gonna get shanked What is Fezs favorite T.
V show? Uh, well, it depends.
Basically I just flip until I see nipples Sometimes I feel like a loaf of bread, everyone keeps taking a slice of me until all thats left are two crusty pieces that nobody wants and I just want to scream Appreciate me, Damn it but I dont, why? Because my mother always told me that nice girls shouldnt make a fuss and now I am a flippin doormat Okay look, man.
Prison is not an option for me, okay? I cant pee in front of other people WellDespite a few interesting answers and one recipe My judgment is that your marriage is legitimate.
Congratulations! All right, Pepé and I are Americans No wonder this country is going in the toilet What was that, sir? Nothing, nothing he said he has to use the toilet, thats why hes been so quiet If your trying to protect your daughter, dont worry We never go after the bride especially such a pretty one If there was a crime committed, wed only be interested in this one, so if theres something you want to say, by all means, say it Fine, I will I just wanted to say these two kids are married and very much in love In fact, Ive never seen a love like this Thank you, Mr.
Red.
It means a lot Hey, what about thanking me his guy tried to break me but lucky for you double-O Forman is rock solid Wow, you really are pregnant They make them really tiny now quarter pound, my ass Hey! I need to talk to you Kelso, thats great! Here take my seat sit down Ill just be right over there Good for you! All rightAt first when you told me I was off the hook.
I was, like, totally psyched, right? But then I started to think about it and - I dont wanna be off the hook, I wanna be a part of this kids life - Michael, I didnt let you off the hook to be nice.
I just dont think you understand what I means to have a baby No but I doI means, taking him to teeball games, and teaching him how to ride a bike and taking him to the doctor when hes sick And what if its a girl? Uh, its not gonna be a girl we did it standing up! Uh-huh Okay, maybe this will change your mind I went and got some stuff today, this little sweater, to keep him warm andthis little hat, to keep the sun off of his face I got some pop rocks cause I always wanted to see a baby eat popRocks Michael, If you get involved, Im just gonna have two babies to take care of instead of one Look, you can try to get rid of me but Im not walkin away from this Im sorry, I just dont want you to be the father of my child This is all your fault, yeah! - Go talk to her an-and-and do the right thing - Kelso, Im so sorry, I wish there was something I could do Well, there isnt Okay fine Ill give you ten seconds to squeeze my ass as long as you want I never thought Id say this but theres some things that a girls ass can't fix Well, Fez, congratulations on your green card, but remember this is America and you still look foreign so dont expect to be treated equally Well, Im going to become Americas sexiest singing cowboy Howdy ladies, meet Pepé! You know, whats going on with Brooke really hurts but I think in a couple days when I start to heel, Im gonna be really psyched that Donna let me squeeze her ass.
I mean, even now Im reflecting upon on how soft it was So, what kind of chance do you think I have with the blonde?
When is this I.
N.
S man gonna be here? Uh, sometime this week, its a surprise visit So I have to stay here Stay here? With, Red? Oh, no, I cant allow that Why not? Red loves me Honey, you gave him a heart attack Maybe he just loves Fez so much That his heart exploded? Please, Miss Kitty.
Let me stay Mom, come on - Okay, you win - Oh, thank you! Uh, that was a sexy hug you really put some boom-boom into it, huh? That 70's show Season 6 Episode 5 I'm free Sir Martini "Row, row, row, your boat" "Gently down the stream" "Soapy, soapy, scrubby, scrubby" "Fez is nice and clean" What the hell! I dont know what you heard, but this show aint free! What is this doing her? Okay, Red he just has to stay here for a few days But Kitty,he was in my shower, he saw my legs - And he saw Pepé - Shut up Listen, Dad, the I.
N.
S is coming and if they found out this marriage is fake, Fez could get deported Well, thats Anwars problem Oh, but I cannot go back home, Im an American now Im lazy, fat and soft like you! Look, you deserve what you get! You tricked Laurie into this mess of a marriage shesinnocent andNaïve.
The only reason she got caught up in this is because she loves to much Well that last parts true Shoot! Its Brooke, hide me Hey! Im sorry Donna, squeezing your but gives me courage So Michael? You split pretty quick the other day Maybe we should talk or something? You got itOne sec Kelso! Aah! Donna, Let go of my leg! I swear I got no problem kickin a girl Look, youve done a lot of stupid crap over the years You stolemy panties, you tied my hamster to a bottle rocket And I dont know how many times Ive caught you peeking through my window Five Look, the point is, I let it all slide because underneath I knew you were a good guy, but if you bail on Brooke, I will never respect you again and neither will anybody else Look, I know, ok? I know.
I just I dont know what to do Well, Kelso, you need to go talk to her Ok Touch Donna Pinciotties Panties for 5 bucks Call, Michael Kelso And that was the first time I ever tasted chocolate Thats a great story, man but, uh, its like 2 in the morning so we gotta go to sleep But I forgot my tape of my ocean sounds and I cannot fall asleep without it Can you make ocean sounds for me? Yeah, Im not doing that Okay, then let me tell you about the first time I ate a blow pop Lick number one: What a surprise! You are forgetting the whale songs? Listen, man, Ive only been to the ocean once and the closest thing I saw to a whale was some fat guy selling drugs Fine, lick number two still no gum?! What the hell are you doing to yourself?! Oh, great, Dad, you know what? You woke him up, you put him back to sleep! Hey! UhIts been pointed out to me that Ive been acting a little flaky about, um our situation I disagree, flakey means your not consistent, you run away every time you see me Anyway, I think we should talk about what were gonna do or Im sure your gonna want me to meet your parents and lucky for you I look good in a suit I look good in anything, But you already know that, so Actually, dont worry about it! as far as the baby and I are concerned your off the hook So your just letting me go? Yep, you dont have to think about this ever again And I wont! WOW! Your like the coolest girl I ever did it with at a concert! Oh, honey, you look terrible Oh, you dont look so hot yourself, sister I beg your pardon Red made me sleep in the basement and every time I started to fall asleep Hyde would put a popsicle on my neck Thats my daddys chair "Thats my daddys chair" Fez, look, man you gotta start kissing Reds butt a little or hes gonna make sure you get deported He should be kissing my butt for taking his trashy daughter off his hands Im not that trashy, I wont sleep with you Oh, zip it, jezebel Out of my chair, Tonto Oh, come on a chair is a chair, branch out a little try the piano bench What did you say?! - Laurie, go get a cup of milk - Why? Itll keep Fezs teeth alive until we get him to the dentist Hi, sir, Hal Armstrong from the immigration service, Im here to conduct some interviews What do you want to know, cause Ill tell you everything Is it-Is it to late to give you back your chair Oh, no dont get up this could be the last time you sit on furniture that you didnt build out of mud and twigs So, Agent Armstrong cant wait to tell you all about this marriage, you got handcuffs, right? Red, Red, why dont you help me in the kitchen, Laurie make our guest comfortable Hey, G-man Okay, Red, just because he sat in your chair is no reason to get the boy deported You dont like me because Im not from here This has nothing to do with you being a foreigner.
Its about you taking advantage of my daughter like a sneaky foreigner Oh, wait, dad, look, I stayed home from college to take care of you and mom in your hour of need, okay you owe me! That is just like a woman to bring that up You know, Laurie could get in a lot of trouble, too - What kinda trouble? - Big trouble, dad, she could go to jail or back to jail! Well, come on, Its like where has she been for the past two years All right, fine, I wont volunteer anything but if he asks me a direct question Im not lying - Oh, you wont have to.
Ill do all the talking for you - Well, youll be good at that! And I guess it might be fun to just sit back and watch Tarzan here crumble before the full force of the U.
S Government Okay, thats it.
Anwar I can deal with.
Tonto, in the ballpark, but TarzanTarzan is a white guy Dont sass me, Tarzan! Michael, there is no way Brooke said your off the hook, Okay, I bet she said Im gonna take every penny you have you irresponsible bastard because thats what I would say No, she definitely said Off the hook Man I am one tall, cute, lucky kid! So thats it, man? Its like this thing with You and Brooke never happened Yeahwell no, I mean, theres still gonna be a baby out there but my lifes back to normal sort a I mean, its kinda weird but Im not gonna think about it cause I dont need to you know I should be happy right now.
You know, I am happy, right now! Yeah, I think Yeah, think, feel, look deep inside like deep, deep inside almost to China Theres a good guy in there You know what? Dont lecture me, okay? I went to her and I tried to talk to her and she said it was cool which is awesome because this could, like, screw up my whole life! Yeah, man, you know you gotta stay focused if your gonna invent those quadruple Oreos Those are a secret, man No yeah, this is good.
Why put yourself out for some kid, children grow up without dads all the time - Right - Yeah, like Steven Well, I dont want him ending up like Hyde hair all frizzed out with angry thoughts And violent, too Kelso, you know what you should do? But you're not gonna do it because your to much of a tool You know what? Its real easy to talk about the right thing to do when its not your life Tool Oh, Steven your sensitive to this because your father ditched you, too That is so foxy Hey, why dont we go down to my room, tell you about the time my mom got so loaded on mouthwash, she lost our rent money at the track Okay, you two claim to be married and living here to verify this Im going to separate you all and ask you a series of questions about the couple.
- Let me remind you your all under oath - under oath? I mean under Oath, bravo! Okay, first question, What kind of toothpaste does Fez use? Um, I brush my teeth with Colgate it is the only thing that cuts through the, um, milk duds - Who the hell cares about toothpaste? This kid and my daughter are - Happy, happy, happy! Iwait, w-why am I under oath? cause if I say crest and the answer is minty crest I Mean, thats, like, uh, perjury, was-whats gonna happen to me? wha-Oh, my god why are you writing this down? How long did Fez and Laurie date before they got married? Who needs to date? I had her in the sack faster than you can say Corn on The cob.
.
Speaking of dates, I made an incredible date nut bread The secret is to oak the dates in some good, strong rum, which reminds me, who needs a drink?I know I do.
I dont know how long they dated, I-oh, my God, Im going to prison arent I? Im gonna get shanked What is Fezs favorite T.
V show? Uh, well, it depends.
Basically I just flip until I see nipples Sometimes I feel like a loaf of bread, everyone keeps taking a slice of me until all thats left are two crusty pieces that nobody wants and I just want to scream Appreciate me, Damn it but I dont, why? Because my mother always told me that nice girls shouldnt make a fuss and now I am a flippin doormat Okay look, man.
Prison is not an option for me, okay? I cant pee in front of other people WellDespite a few interesting answers and one recipe My judgment is that your marriage is legitimate.
Congratulations! All right, Pepé and I are Americans No wonder this country is going in the toilet What was that, sir? Nothing, nothing he said he has to use the toilet, thats why hes been so quiet If your trying to protect your daughter, dont worry We never go after the bride especially such a pretty one If there was a crime committed, wed only be interested in this one, so if theres something you want to say, by all means, say it Fine, I will I just wanted to say these two kids are married and very much in love In fact, Ive never seen a love like this Thank you, Mr.
Red.
It means a lot Hey, what about thanking me his guy tried to break me but lucky for you double-O Forman is rock solid Wow, you really are pregnant They make them really tiny now quarter pound, my ass Hey! I need to talk to you Kelso, thats great! Here take my seat sit down Ill just be right over there Good for you! All rightAt first when you told me I was off the hook.
I was, like, totally psyched, right? But then I started to think about it and - I dont wanna be off the hook, I wanna be a part of this kids life - Michael, I didnt let you off the hook to be nice.
I just dont think you understand what I means to have a baby No but I doI means, taking him to teeball games, and teaching him how to ride a bike and taking him to the doctor when hes sick And what if its a girl? Uh, its not gonna be a girl we did it standing up! Uh-huh Okay, maybe this will change your mind I went and got some stuff today, this little sweater, to keep him warm andthis little hat, to keep the sun off of his face I got some pop rocks cause I always wanted to see a baby eat popRocks Michael, If you get involved, Im just gonna have two babies to take care of instead of one Look, you can try to get rid of me but Im not walkin away from this Im sorry, I just dont want you to be the father of my child This is all your fault, yeah! - Go talk to her an-and-and do the right thing - Kelso, Im so sorry, I wish there was something I could do Well, there isnt Okay fine Ill give you ten seconds to squeeze my ass as long as you want I never thought Id say this but theres some things that a girls ass can't fix Well, Fez, congratulations on your green card, but remember this is America and you still look foreign so dont expect to be treated equally Well, Im going to become Americas sexiest singing cowboy Howdy ladies, meet Pepé! You know, whats going on with Brooke really hurts but I think in a couple days when I start to heel, Im gonna be really psyched that Donna let me squeeze her ass.
I mean, even now Im reflecting upon on how soft it was So, what kind of chance do you think I have with the blonde?