That '80s Show (2002) s01e01 Episode Script
Eighties
1 Whoa! Hey, Sophia! Oh, wow, this is kind of awkward.
You're dancing with him, me dancing with her.
No, it isn't.
We broke up.
Oh.
Well, I wasn't really sure.
I mean, you know, when you said you wanted to see other people, I didn't know that meant not me.
I should have been more specific.
We're really not right for each other.
Sorry.
So, you must be the new guy, huh? What are you? A stockbroker? Drive a new Beamer? I'm a struggling musician who wrote 2 ballads about her last week.
Corey, he's not the new guy.
I just met him in the bathroom.
Look, what we had was nice, but it's over.
It's time to move on.
Fine.
Hey, great.
I am moving on! Good.
So we're crystal clear on this? We've broken up.
Hey, I'm not gonna say it again, Sophia.
It is over.
Great! Take care! I want my tapes back! Would you quit it? I hate dancing.
Hey, is my nose bleeding? Nah.
You're good.
Ok.
I've got bad news.
Sophia and I are finished.
Aw.
Yeah, I've got some bad news myself.
Kids, your mother and I split up.
That happened 2 years ago.
I know.
I just love saying it.
What is that smell? Now, that's the smell of my little entrepreneur.
That's right.
I'm making candles.
They smell like death.
Death? Or piÃÂÃ'a colada? Death.
Corey, Sophia wasn't right for you, what with her being a lesbian and all.
Katie, she's not a lesbian.
She's bisexual.
She's like a vegetarian who likes turkey every now and then.
That won't hold up in court, son.
Look, son, I know you feel lost.
You've got this worthless degree in philosophy.
That's your theory.
Your sister's a big wheel in the candle game.
Now you've gone and turned a perfectly good woman into a lady golfer.
But you need to get over it, get back in the game.
Let me fix you up with someone.
No.
Oh! My sophomore roommate from college! She's fun, tall, good-looking, straight.
How good-looking? Daddy, no.
You kids are so judgmental.
Oh, rt.
Hey, Roger.
Hey, glad you're here.
So, I know these are all power ties, but which one of these says, "I will crush you in a hostile takeover"? burgundy.
She's right.
I can't believe this is a conversation.
Come on.
I'm gonna be late for work.
Time is money, slacker.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
I'm embarrassed to be seen with you.
I'm embarrassed to be seen with you.
What happened to you? What happened to you? What happened to you? What happened to you? What happened to you? What happened to you? Best friends? Best friends.
Speaker: By making a change in your destiny, through positive affirmation, I deserve success.
I deserve success.
Personal power and growth are tools in my arsenal personal power and growth are tools-- aah! Please, god! No more! Hey! My car.
Mine.
âÃÂà  And you may find yourself âÃÂà  living in another part of the world âÃÂà  and you may find yourself âÃÂà  behind the wheel of a large automobile âÃÂà  I deserve a large automobile.
And you may find yourself with a beautiful house with a beautiful wife I deserve a beautiful wife.
With beautiful breasts.
Both: How did I get here? Letting the days go by Let the water hold me down letting the days go by Water flowing underground into the blue again after the money's gone Where's your Lionel Richie Section? Hmm.
Let me think.
"P," "Q," "R.
" Oh, yeah.
It's up my Butt.
Get out.
Hi, Margaret.
Sorry I'm late.
Late? I gotta get a clock in this place.
You mind if I put this on? Oh, the happy sound of black flag.
You have a bad day, baby? Well, I'm pretty sure my girlfriend dumped me for a woman.
Happens.
My music career is not a career.
Happens.
And my hip Dad wants me to "Get in the game.
" Yeah, my mom stopped telling me what to do when I was 17.
Of course, I was living with Jim Morrison.
Jim Morrison is a god.
A god who thought my breasts looked like mushrooms.
Beautiful mushrooms.
I just want to make music, you know? I'm 22 years old, for god's sake.
I'm not ready to do the corporate droid thing.
You know, as far as that corporate thing goes, I hear once you go dead inside, it's not so bad.
Yo.
Punk rock rooster.
12 O'clock.
Oh, Corey, that's the new-- did you just make some small-minded, middle-class comment about me, bud? It's about my hair, isn't it? No.
Ok.
So when you go to the barber, what do you ask for? ÃÂ The blue lagoon? What do you ask for? The stegosaurus? Oh, ow.
I'm so not going to the prom with you.
Tuesday, this is Corey.
Corey, tuesday.
Tuesday works here now.
Oh, great.
So we'll be working together.
You know, tuesday's kind of an interesting name.
Blah, blah, blah.
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, whoa, whoa we are strong no one can tell us we're wrong searching our hearts for so long both of us knowing âÃÂà  love is a battlefield âÃÂà  [DOORBELL RINGS.]
love really is a battlefield.
Sophia.
Hey.
Corey's not here.
That's ok.
I just wanted to Drop off his cassettes.
Great outfit.
For san Diego.
When it's in the low 90s.
I know.
I'm ready to pass out.
Could you Crank up the a.
C.
? sure.
Do you want a wine cooler? Mmm.
Don't you have to go to class? No.
I'm off this quarter.
My credits are all screwed up since usd went from quarters to semesters after I had mono.
And I only need, like, 6 more credits to graduate, But my French lit professor slipped into a diabetic coma, so wait.
You're not my parents.
I dropped out.
Are you bisexual? Or was that just some lame excuse to break up with my brother? Yes, I am, and, no, it wasn't an excuse.
Cool.
Peach or boysenberry? Peach.
You know, you were the first girl he ever dated that I didn't pretend to be on the phone when you guys walked into the room.
Actually, I was hoping maybe you and I could still be friends.
Well, of course we can still be friends.
Really? No.
Get out! You'll both meet somebody.
Actually, I did meet someone.
Really? Well, what's he like? He's like a she.
And she's great.
I can't stop thinking about her.
Oh, cool.
Well, I'm happy for you.
Whoa.
Wow.
Awkward.
Katie, I knew you were trouble the first time I laid eyes one you.
Ok.
Thanks for dropping by.
I'm just gonna let myself out.
Birth school hi.
I'm back from lunch.
Oh.
You were gone so long, why don't you just go ahead and have dinner, too? [FEIGNS LAUGHTER.]
All right, I'm not gonna be in a place full of tension.
I had enough of that when I was sleeping with creedence.
Now, either get along, or I'll fire you both.
Did you hear that? She's gonna fire you.
Not me.
I have seniority.
You.
Not me.
I don't wear a bra.
Boys like to shop at stores that have girls that don't wear bras.
I can find any record in this store.
Nipples! Excuse me.
I have a customer.
Oh, boy.
Wow.
How do you get it to stand up? How doÃÂ you get it to stand up? Dad, what are you doing here? This is your daddy? Love you onÃÂ miami vice.
Hey, honey, I make fun of his clothes.
Me, ok? Not you.
Uh, listen, son, I came up with a great idea.
I've decided to let you come and work for me.
All right! Wait, I don't want to work for you.
Look, I'm serious.
Now come on.
Marketing's exciting.
Now, we've got this new campaign for a great thing called the gut whacker.
Take the job, man.
You've gut whacker marketeer written all over you.
I'm sorry.
Could you go sweep out the storage room with your head? So I'm punk.
Deal with it.
You're not punk.
You're retro.
See, punk was out 6 years ago, and I would know.
I was at a sex pistols concert while you were listening to the bay city rollers in your Barbie jammies.
I'm going to lunch.
Pleasure.
I did like the bay city rollers.
Get out.
The empty-armed Madonna mourning the baby that she couldn't have and the baby that she almost got to adopt.
Katie, it'sÃÂ dynasty shots.
You only do a shot when someone gets slapped.
I know.
I was thirsty.
Oh, you miserable bitch.
Wait for it.
[SLAP.]
Now.
Man,ÃÂ dynasty represents everything that is good and pure and True about America.
I agree.
Guys, do you think I need shoulder Pads? [SLAP.]
Sophia stopped by today.
Oh, now that it's finally over, she's scared.
It's all sinking in, and she wants me back, right? Not exactly.
Oh, they're in the Fountain.
It's wetter and better.
I saw ass! She brought back your cassettes, but she kept the party mix tapes.
And that's hilarious because because she kissed me.
This is so hot.
Oh, my God.
Where did this happen? Were you guys in the shower? She kissed you? It was just a kiss.
Nothing happened besides the kiss.
Did you struggle at first knowing it was forbidden? Then tongues, right? Roger? If she's got the hots for you and all you do is make candles, I must really be a loser.
You're not a loser.
You're more of a non-Winner.
Yeah.
Well, rt offered me a job today.
And you took it, right? I just don't know if I'd be very good at it.
It's marketing.
You write slogans, which is like writing lyrics, except it's easier 'cause they don't have to rhyme.
Oh.
"Where's the beef?" Well, I-- you know what? I am tired of being broke.
Hell, I'm doing it.
Yes! Welcome to Reagan's America.
God bless you, Ronnie! Ok, no more for you.
So, listen, you just think up as many Good ideas as you can, and then we'll kick it around later, ok? Ok.
Will do.
I'm on it.
Good.
Gut whacker.
Gut whacker! Gut whacker.
How you doing, son? I got nothing! [POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
MAN: Guess where I am.
In a bar on a portable phone.
No, it's not a pay phone.
It's a portable phone! Hear the ice? My man, my man! How was the first day? Tell me all about it.
Well, I found my parking spot, and I met a couple of really nice people, and within 4 hours I was, uh, I was about ready to kill myself.
What was I thinking? Help! Ok, ok.
Let's regroup.
Focus on the chicks you're gonna get with that money.
You won't even need a good pickup line.
Look, there's Sophia.
Turn away.
She doesn't see us.
Sophia! We're over here! Roger: Hi, Sophia.
You know what? I think it's time I come clean with you.
I go both ways, too, so I understand your needs.
Eww.
So, you'll think about it? Unfortunately, Yes.
Hi, Corey.
How are you? Really.
Well, I'm-- hi, Katie.
I'm just gonna drink my scotch while you hit on my sister.
Look, Katie, I want to apologize.
I crossed a line, and I am truly, truly sorry.
Can we just go back to being friends? Sure.
All's forgiven.
Thanks.
Ok, copped a feel.
Unpleasant.
Hi, dad.
Would it be ok if I quit? Sure, son.
Sure.
I was gonna fire you, anyway.
Ok, good night.
Do you have any miles Davis? You're not ready.
Well, if it isn't my little corporate tool.
Yeah, Yeah.
I made a huge mistake.
Margaret, if you had a chance to go back and do it all again, would you do it any differently? I wouldn't change a thing, 'cause even if I'd have made it, I still would've been unhappy.
That's my nature.
Now take out the trash, flunky.
Mo, my, my, my, my, my, mo, my, mo Hey, get off that.
That's the owner's Harley.
Yeah, I know.
I work here.
I'm tuesday.
Oh.
Yeah, I took it down.
Nice suit, suit.
Yeah, ok.
I'm wearing a suit because-- you know, could you just admit that what I said made you take your hair down? Oh, like you're so important to me that one little cutting remark from you made me change my whole image, captain corporate.
Hey, good news.
I gave up corporate life to come back here, you know, work for minimum wage sell Dusty records, piss you off.
It is so funny that you think you have any effect on me whatsoever.
See? You're pissed.
Shut up! You know what? I think you wanna have coffee with me.
I was already gonna go get coffee, ok? So if you want to be pathetic and follow me, whatever.
Yeah, I feel like being pathetic.
Good, 'cause you are.
So what'd you use to get your hair down? Blowtorch? Why, yes, I did.
Hey, Margaret, we're leaving.
Why do they get to leave? Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Just like me they long to be close to you wah close to you all right, how much to get this noise out of my house? 50.
40.
Wah All right, 50.
Here you go.
You're dancing with him, me dancing with her.
No, it isn't.
We broke up.
Oh.
Well, I wasn't really sure.
I mean, you know, when you said you wanted to see other people, I didn't know that meant not me.
I should have been more specific.
We're really not right for each other.
Sorry.
So, you must be the new guy, huh? What are you? A stockbroker? Drive a new Beamer? I'm a struggling musician who wrote 2 ballads about her last week.
Corey, he's not the new guy.
I just met him in the bathroom.
Look, what we had was nice, but it's over.
It's time to move on.
Fine.
Hey, great.
I am moving on! Good.
So we're crystal clear on this? We've broken up.
Hey, I'm not gonna say it again, Sophia.
It is over.
Great! Take care! I want my tapes back! Would you quit it? I hate dancing.
Hey, is my nose bleeding? Nah.
You're good.
Ok.
I've got bad news.
Sophia and I are finished.
Aw.
Yeah, I've got some bad news myself.
Kids, your mother and I split up.
That happened 2 years ago.
I know.
I just love saying it.
What is that smell? Now, that's the smell of my little entrepreneur.
That's right.
I'm making candles.
They smell like death.
Death? Or piÃÂÃ'a colada? Death.
Corey, Sophia wasn't right for you, what with her being a lesbian and all.
Katie, she's not a lesbian.
She's bisexual.
She's like a vegetarian who likes turkey every now and then.
That won't hold up in court, son.
Look, son, I know you feel lost.
You've got this worthless degree in philosophy.
That's your theory.
Your sister's a big wheel in the candle game.
Now you've gone and turned a perfectly good woman into a lady golfer.
But you need to get over it, get back in the game.
Let me fix you up with someone.
No.
Oh! My sophomore roommate from college! She's fun, tall, good-looking, straight.
How good-looking? Daddy, no.
You kids are so judgmental.
Oh, rt.
Hey, Roger.
Hey, glad you're here.
So, I know these are all power ties, but which one of these says, "I will crush you in a hostile takeover"? burgundy.
She's right.
I can't believe this is a conversation.
Come on.
I'm gonna be late for work.
Time is money, slacker.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
I'm embarrassed to be seen with you.
I'm embarrassed to be seen with you.
What happened to you? What happened to you? What happened to you? What happened to you? What happened to you? What happened to you? Best friends? Best friends.
Speaker: By making a change in your destiny, through positive affirmation, I deserve success.
I deserve success.
Personal power and growth are tools in my arsenal personal power and growth are tools-- aah! Please, god! No more! Hey! My car.
Mine.
âÃÂà  And you may find yourself âÃÂà  living in another part of the world âÃÂà  and you may find yourself âÃÂà  behind the wheel of a large automobile âÃÂà  I deserve a large automobile.
And you may find yourself with a beautiful house with a beautiful wife I deserve a beautiful wife.
With beautiful breasts.
Both: How did I get here? Letting the days go by Let the water hold me down letting the days go by Water flowing underground into the blue again after the money's gone Where's your Lionel Richie Section? Hmm.
Let me think.
"P," "Q," "R.
" Oh, yeah.
It's up my Butt.
Get out.
Hi, Margaret.
Sorry I'm late.
Late? I gotta get a clock in this place.
You mind if I put this on? Oh, the happy sound of black flag.
You have a bad day, baby? Well, I'm pretty sure my girlfriend dumped me for a woman.
Happens.
My music career is not a career.
Happens.
And my hip Dad wants me to "Get in the game.
" Yeah, my mom stopped telling me what to do when I was 17.
Of course, I was living with Jim Morrison.
Jim Morrison is a god.
A god who thought my breasts looked like mushrooms.
Beautiful mushrooms.
I just want to make music, you know? I'm 22 years old, for god's sake.
I'm not ready to do the corporate droid thing.
You know, as far as that corporate thing goes, I hear once you go dead inside, it's not so bad.
Yo.
Punk rock rooster.
12 O'clock.
Oh, Corey, that's the new-- did you just make some small-minded, middle-class comment about me, bud? It's about my hair, isn't it? No.
Ok.
So when you go to the barber, what do you ask for? ÃÂ The blue lagoon? What do you ask for? The stegosaurus? Oh, ow.
I'm so not going to the prom with you.
Tuesday, this is Corey.
Corey, tuesday.
Tuesday works here now.
Oh, great.
So we'll be working together.
You know, tuesday's kind of an interesting name.
Blah, blah, blah.
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, whoa, whoa we are strong no one can tell us we're wrong searching our hearts for so long both of us knowing âÃÂà  love is a battlefield âÃÂà  [DOORBELL RINGS.]
love really is a battlefield.
Sophia.
Hey.
Corey's not here.
That's ok.
I just wanted to Drop off his cassettes.
Great outfit.
For san Diego.
When it's in the low 90s.
I know.
I'm ready to pass out.
Could you Crank up the a.
C.
? sure.
Do you want a wine cooler? Mmm.
Don't you have to go to class? No.
I'm off this quarter.
My credits are all screwed up since usd went from quarters to semesters after I had mono.
And I only need, like, 6 more credits to graduate, But my French lit professor slipped into a diabetic coma, so wait.
You're not my parents.
I dropped out.
Are you bisexual? Or was that just some lame excuse to break up with my brother? Yes, I am, and, no, it wasn't an excuse.
Cool.
Peach or boysenberry? Peach.
You know, you were the first girl he ever dated that I didn't pretend to be on the phone when you guys walked into the room.
Actually, I was hoping maybe you and I could still be friends.
Well, of course we can still be friends.
Really? No.
Get out! You'll both meet somebody.
Actually, I did meet someone.
Really? Well, what's he like? He's like a she.
And she's great.
I can't stop thinking about her.
Oh, cool.
Well, I'm happy for you.
Whoa.
Wow.
Awkward.
Katie, I knew you were trouble the first time I laid eyes one you.
Ok.
Thanks for dropping by.
I'm just gonna let myself out.
Birth school hi.
I'm back from lunch.
Oh.
You were gone so long, why don't you just go ahead and have dinner, too? [FEIGNS LAUGHTER.]
All right, I'm not gonna be in a place full of tension.
I had enough of that when I was sleeping with creedence.
Now, either get along, or I'll fire you both.
Did you hear that? She's gonna fire you.
Not me.
I have seniority.
You.
Not me.
I don't wear a bra.
Boys like to shop at stores that have girls that don't wear bras.
I can find any record in this store.
Nipples! Excuse me.
I have a customer.
Oh, boy.
Wow.
How do you get it to stand up? How doÃÂ you get it to stand up? Dad, what are you doing here? This is your daddy? Love you onÃÂ miami vice.
Hey, honey, I make fun of his clothes.
Me, ok? Not you.
Uh, listen, son, I came up with a great idea.
I've decided to let you come and work for me.
All right! Wait, I don't want to work for you.
Look, I'm serious.
Now come on.
Marketing's exciting.
Now, we've got this new campaign for a great thing called the gut whacker.
Take the job, man.
You've gut whacker marketeer written all over you.
I'm sorry.
Could you go sweep out the storage room with your head? So I'm punk.
Deal with it.
You're not punk.
You're retro.
See, punk was out 6 years ago, and I would know.
I was at a sex pistols concert while you were listening to the bay city rollers in your Barbie jammies.
I'm going to lunch.
Pleasure.
I did like the bay city rollers.
Get out.
The empty-armed Madonna mourning the baby that she couldn't have and the baby that she almost got to adopt.
Katie, it'sÃÂ dynasty shots.
You only do a shot when someone gets slapped.
I know.
I was thirsty.
Oh, you miserable bitch.
Wait for it.
[SLAP.]
Now.
Man,ÃÂ dynasty represents everything that is good and pure and True about America.
I agree.
Guys, do you think I need shoulder Pads? [SLAP.]
Sophia stopped by today.
Oh, now that it's finally over, she's scared.
It's all sinking in, and she wants me back, right? Not exactly.
Oh, they're in the Fountain.
It's wetter and better.
I saw ass! She brought back your cassettes, but she kept the party mix tapes.
And that's hilarious because because she kissed me.
This is so hot.
Oh, my God.
Where did this happen? Were you guys in the shower? She kissed you? It was just a kiss.
Nothing happened besides the kiss.
Did you struggle at first knowing it was forbidden? Then tongues, right? Roger? If she's got the hots for you and all you do is make candles, I must really be a loser.
You're not a loser.
You're more of a non-Winner.
Yeah.
Well, rt offered me a job today.
And you took it, right? I just don't know if I'd be very good at it.
It's marketing.
You write slogans, which is like writing lyrics, except it's easier 'cause they don't have to rhyme.
Oh.
"Where's the beef?" Well, I-- you know what? I am tired of being broke.
Hell, I'm doing it.
Yes! Welcome to Reagan's America.
God bless you, Ronnie! Ok, no more for you.
So, listen, you just think up as many Good ideas as you can, and then we'll kick it around later, ok? Ok.
Will do.
I'm on it.
Good.
Gut whacker.
Gut whacker! Gut whacker.
How you doing, son? I got nothing! [POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
MAN: Guess where I am.
In a bar on a portable phone.
No, it's not a pay phone.
It's a portable phone! Hear the ice? My man, my man! How was the first day? Tell me all about it.
Well, I found my parking spot, and I met a couple of really nice people, and within 4 hours I was, uh, I was about ready to kill myself.
What was I thinking? Help! Ok, ok.
Let's regroup.
Focus on the chicks you're gonna get with that money.
You won't even need a good pickup line.
Look, there's Sophia.
Turn away.
She doesn't see us.
Sophia! We're over here! Roger: Hi, Sophia.
You know what? I think it's time I come clean with you.
I go both ways, too, so I understand your needs.
Eww.
So, you'll think about it? Unfortunately, Yes.
Hi, Corey.
How are you? Really.
Well, I'm-- hi, Katie.
I'm just gonna drink my scotch while you hit on my sister.
Look, Katie, I want to apologize.
I crossed a line, and I am truly, truly sorry.
Can we just go back to being friends? Sure.
All's forgiven.
Thanks.
Ok, copped a feel.
Unpleasant.
Hi, dad.
Would it be ok if I quit? Sure, son.
Sure.
I was gonna fire you, anyway.
Ok, good night.
Do you have any miles Davis? You're not ready.
Well, if it isn't my little corporate tool.
Yeah, Yeah.
I made a huge mistake.
Margaret, if you had a chance to go back and do it all again, would you do it any differently? I wouldn't change a thing, 'cause even if I'd have made it, I still would've been unhappy.
That's my nature.
Now take out the trash, flunky.
Mo, my, my, my, my, my, mo, my, mo Hey, get off that.
That's the owner's Harley.
Yeah, I know.
I work here.
I'm tuesday.
Oh.
Yeah, I took it down.
Nice suit, suit.
Yeah, ok.
I'm wearing a suit because-- you know, could you just admit that what I said made you take your hair down? Oh, like you're so important to me that one little cutting remark from you made me change my whole image, captain corporate.
Hey, good news.
I gave up corporate life to come back here, you know, work for minimum wage sell Dusty records, piss you off.
It is so funny that you think you have any effect on me whatsoever.
See? You're pissed.
Shut up! You know what? I think you wanna have coffee with me.
I was already gonna go get coffee, ok? So if you want to be pathetic and follow me, whatever.
Yeah, I feel like being pathetic.
Good, 'cause you are.
So what'd you use to get your hair down? Blowtorch? Why, yes, I did.
Hey, Margaret, we're leaving.
Why do they get to leave? Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Just like me they long to be close to you wah close to you all right, how much to get this noise out of my house? 50.
40.
Wah All right, 50.
Here you go.